“YOU’RE NOTHING BUT TROUBLE” by Fi Macleod

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I am pleased and excited today to welcome my friend Fi Macleod. Fi is a fellow blogger and an amazing survivor of horrific abuse. Fi has a passion for writing and the subject of spiritual abuse is close to her heart. Please help me welcome Fi and her with her second guest post on Emerging from Broken! As always, please we invite you to post your comments and participate in the discussion. ~ Darlene Ouimet ~ founder of Emerging from Broken

child sexual abuse in families“YOU’RE NOTHING BUT TROUBLE! YOU DESERVE EVERYTHING YOU GET” by Fi Macleod

This statement was used many times during my childhood. As a result I developed deep self-blame. I bore responsibility for things which were actually nothing to do with me. The self-blame is combined with deep shame and guilt. The self-blame came through a combination of verbal and non-verbal messages from my abusers and messages from the abuse itself.

 “You’re nothing but trouble, you deserve everything that happens”

“You deserve it because you’re a girl, we didn’t want a girl”

“You deserve it because you’re evil”

“You deserve it because the bible tells us you deserve it”

“You deserve it because….”

 “You deserve it just because we say you deserve it

I never knew when they’d decide I “deserved” a beating, or I “deserved” to be thrown across the room or I “deserved” to be starved or I “deserved” locked in my room or I “deserved” whatever they chose. It was very oppressive. I asked myself many times “what it is about me that is so horrible, that makes me so bad that it doesn’t matter what I do or say, it’s always bad and deserves punishment?” The abuse was “all about me” because my abusers made it all about me. I was taught grown-ups were always right. There was no-one to tell me otherwise. I had no way of knowing anything else.

As a result, the word “deserve” is a loaded word for me. I’m in a place now where there are people in my life supporting and working with me on my healing journey. I hear from them “you deserve to heal”, “you deserve good things”, “you deserve to be happy”, and many other positive “you deserve…” statements.

But whenever I hear the words “you deserve” I hear them through a negative filter. I hear the words “you deserve” spoken severely and feel really bad. I start getting ready to flinch. I have to take a very deep breath, deliberately stop and examine what actually happened. I’ve been able start to do that only very recently. Each time it happens I stop and examine what the person actually said, and more importantly, how they said it. I then filter their statement through a more positive filter of “hang on, wait a minute, I’m not sure but I think they may have meant that positively, they weren’t sounding mean or nasty, so I guess they were actually saying I deserve positive things in my life”. I may not actually believe I deserve positive stuff in my life but a seed was sown.

It helped me immensely to begin to take things apart and look at what actually happened in my childhood. In so doing I am on a journey back to my childhood, back to me as a child, back to what I felt and thought. I’m beginning to look at it from an adult’s perspective and to see things from a different angle. I’m able to start to see events differently and come to different conclusions. As I do that I’m informing the child me of what I’m seeing and learning and helping her realise it wasn’t all about her, there was other stuff going on and there are other ways of seeing and understanding what went on.

It was a HUGE step for me when I began to realise the abuse was not really about me but about my abusers and the abuse says more about my abusers than it does about me. That was a massive shift in my thinking and began to turn the self-blame around.

It’s was hard to look deeper than the bigger picture, partly because the big picture was so horrible and painful. There was a part of me which didn’t want to zoom in to look at the detail. But it helped me a lot to begin to look at specific incidents I remember which helped cement my deep self-blame. From very early childhood from birth I was abused in every way by my grandparents, their paedophile friends and other relatives including my parents and brother. There was no respite from the abuse, it was everywhere in my childhood. My life was full of abuse, confusion and mixed messages.

Here are a few incidents I recall which helped to develop self-blame in my child’s mind.

–          I remember being called in from the garden because “grandpa wanted to play with me”. “Play” was a pseudonym for sexual abuse. I didn’t want to “play”. I wanted to stay in the garden chasing butterflies and hunting for ladybirds. I was 3 the first time I remember this. I was called into the house by my mother. My mother set me up to be abused so it couldn’t have been wrong then? I went into the room where my grandparents and mother were. There were two paedophile friends in the room with them. There were 5 grownups in that room – my grandparents, mother and two paedophile friends of the family. None of those 5 grownups saw anything being wrong. Instead the impression was what was happening was ‘normal’, nothing was wrong, except for me, everything about me was “wrong” or so I was told often enough. So if I was surrounded by grownups who all thought nothing was wrong then I must be wrong to think it’s wrong. I knew it was wrong in my gut. It felt all wrong and I didn’t like it at all. I seemed to be the only person to think and feel that so I must be wrong. But I knew I was right and it all felt wrong, very wrong! I messed about on my grandfather’s knee, making it obvious I didn’t want to be there and didn’t want to play grandpa’s “games”. Eventually my grandmother said very severely, “stop this nonsense, be a good little girl and do what grandpa wants”. Woah, did she just say that? I’d had it drummed into me that the abuse happened because I was bad and deserved it all. I was being told to be a good little girl and comply but if I did bad, painful, horrible things would happen. So if I was bad the abuse happened, if I was good the abuse happened. That was so confusing.

–           

–          My godfather dropped dead from a heart attack when I was 10. After that it was forbidden to mention his name and there was no contact with my godmother or her 3 children. I was never told what happened to any of them. I was not even told he was dead. They just disappeared, vanished out of the life of my family. I thought it was my fault because I got on really well with two of my godparents’ children. My godfather sexually abused me and his daughter, together with my father. I wondered if someone other than my father and godfather found out and I was being punished. It was my fault my godfather abused me because he said, “he really liked me and found me attractive and I was good at it”.            

–          A few months later my grandfather had his first heart attack. We had to visit him in hospital as a family. I didn’t want to go and communicated that every way I could. I didn’t care he was in hospital and maybe dying. My grandfather had done terrible things to me and I hated him but we had to go see him. Right up to going in that hospital room I made it clear I didn’t want to go. I don’t know what happened at the hospital or if anyone witnessed my reluctance to be there and my parents’ response to that but after leaving I was told by my mother “never ever speak outside the family of what goes on in the family.” I’m not aware of having spoken to anyone, I was scared silent, but her words sowed a seed of doubt in me. I don’t know what happened in that hospital, maybe people saw stuff and realised what was happening? I really don’t know. After that I never saw my grandparents again. I never saw or heard from any relatives again. I don’t know why that split in the family happened but felt it was “my fault”. I must have said something to someone and was being punished.

Believing all the things that happened in my childhood were my fault coupled with the belief that no-one would believe me kept me silent for many years. Only through finally breaking the silence did something wonderful happen. I was believed which was powerful! I began to realise how much my belief that I wouldn’t be believed was built on my abusers lies. I then began to think “well, if they were wrong about that, then what else were they wrong about?”

That was the beginning of me starting to look at the beliefs about me and my life and realising it is possible to begin to believe other things.

In so doing, without realising it, I began to validate myself, my memories and my feelings, and my gut intuition. I began to stop feeling bad about the way I am, think, feel, or react.

That I guess is the start of the end of self-blame.

Fi MacLeod

Another Post by Fi MacLeod ~ Spiritual Abuse ~ The confusion of False Teaching

Fi’s blog ~ You can fly with Broken Wings

BIO:- Fi Macleod is 45. She lives alone in a seaside town in Devon, in the South West of England. Fi is a survivor of severe ritual abuse and incest by all family members during the first 20 years of her life. She was also abused as part of a paedophile ring run in her grandparents’ house from birth to age 8. It took 25 years for Fi to break silence and report her abusers. There was a police investigation in 2010 which ended with all charges being dropped against her abusers. Fi blogs about aspects of the abuse she endured and her healing journey. Fi has been building trust with a support worker in her local Community Mental Health Team since October 2010 and is just beginning to talk about the sexual abuse within that therapeutic relationship. She is also being supported by a mental health recovery worker and a counsellor. Fi is on a waiting list for specialist group therapy .

74 response to "“YOU’RE NOTHING BUT TROUBLE” by Fi Macleod"

  1. By: Fi MacLeod Posted: 1st November

    Hi Darlene

    It’s great to have you back and to hear what a fab time you had in Mexico! It was a pleasure to guest post while you were away, thanks for asking me!

  2. By: Fi MacLeod Posted: 1st November

    Hi Evie

    Yes it is really hard. I’ve lived my entire life in isolation until the last 18 months or so. I’ve done life alone until I got to the point where I needed external input and support. It was a massive turning point for me to actually discover that I was able to let anyone close enough to me to know the truth about my life and how the abuse has affected me. I’ve discovered so much about trust through this process.

    The main thing I’ve learned is that the bottom line of healing is that the only person who can do the work is ME alone – you alone – but it makes such a difference to have others supporting and inputting to that process, or at least it has for me.

    I realise no-one else will ever be as committed to my healing as I am because it is my healing journey. But it doesn’t help when people you thought were committed, especially professionals, turn out to be not so committed as they made out to be.

  3. By: joy Posted: 1st November

    Hi Darlene

    you were missed .. I have been half in and out.. as I am trying to fight my first bug for the year.. I even went to bed early last night which is not normal for me. So so glad you’re back but your guest posters were super.. have a nice day.

    JOy

  4. By: Evie Posted: 1st November

    I agree, Fi; Its very difficult when you feel no one is supportive and committed to your healing but you. I have often thought my issues made others uncomfortable, and so they distanced themselves. At least it seemed so to me.

    I have had this problem for several years- trying to find the support I needed in situations; and all along the was was advised to ‘get lots of support!’ What did they think I was doing? lol. I can’t tell you the number of people- counsellors as well as lay people, who said tat to me. I WAS trying to get help and support.

    I can count on one hand the number of people who actually DID hear me, support me, and validate me: actually about 2 people- and they were charging money to see me. Both quit their practice along the way.:)I do have a couple people now-I can count on to be honest and supportive, but I don’t want to overwhelm or bug them. I do appreciate them enormously though.

    Bottom line is, I don’t expect much anymore from others.

    I’m either going to make it, or I’m not- I don’t have the time, OR the inclination to beg people to be supportive. I have learned I have to do this basically on my own.

  5. By: Fi MacLeod Posted: 30th October

    Hi Vicki

    What an awful way to speak to you. I can only imagine how that has felt to you. But he was wrong and extremely abusive to speak to you in that way. I hope you’re able to get the help you need to get past those words! It makes me so angry!

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 1st November

      Hi Everyone!
      I am back from Vacation ~ thank you again Fi, for guest posting while I was away.
      I had a great time and I have published a new blog post about how I vowed to never be like my mother.

      Everyone can read the post here: I vowed I would NEVER be like my Selfish, Unloving Mother
      and how this vow backfired on me a little bit. This post takes a look at how because of my belief system about what was wrong with the way my mom treated me, I would never be like her, and since she was selfish etc… I would NEVER put myself first. I look forward to the discussion there!

      Hugs, Darlene

  6. By: Vicki Posted: 30th October

    Judge Huff said I’m “nothing but trouble.” He even called me incorrigible, unable to ever change from what I am, and I was only 15.
    I don’t know what else to say, but at least I was brief.

  7. By: Fi MacLeod Posted: 30th October

    Hi MZC

    Thank you for your comment. I am healing with each day that goes by. I’m healing every time I speak and write of what happened to me. I think I’ll be dealing with this to one extent or another for the rest of my life. But I think it’s possible to get to a point where I can begin to live not just merely exist and survive for the sake of surviving. I’ve got a long way to go but I’ve also come a very long way during the past year. I don’t see healing as a destination but rather a continuum of getting more and more healed till I’m able to function better and better and be negatively affected by it all less and less.

  8. By: MZC Posted: 30th October

    Fi, I hope you reach healing.

  9. By: Fi MacLeod Posted: 29th October

    Hi Karen B

    I couldn’t agree with you more. It is appalling how little support and understanding there is out there of the reality of the effects of abuse upon children and adults who experienced it in childhood. And it is appalling and disgusting how impotent the police, courts and judicial system are!! It is total bull, absolutely! I wish you well with your MA and hope you are eventually able to be in a place where you are able to make the difference you want to be able to make.

  10. By: Fi MacLeod Posted: 29th October

    Hi J

    Yes, I was feeling exactly that just a couple of weeks ago – that every source of support I had was disappearing one by one. It’s been very hard to deal with and I’m finding the changes very hard to accept. It’s very trying and frustrating and has put my healing on hold. I seem to be the only person who’s committed to my healing. But I’m very glad for the counsellor I’m seeing privately through a local charity so it doesn’t cost me a fortune. She’s very good, very understanding and compassionate. Without her support all this would have been so much harder!! My sleep pattern is totally messed up too. When I do sleep I have very vivid graphic dreams. I am totally exhausted and drained.

    I think the abuse does condition us to blame ourselves for everything regardless of whether we are really to blame or not. That’s just all part of the conditioning. And it’s very hard to break that. I have very strong gut intuition so I do notice and pick up on warning signs. But I can understand that being dulled. It’s easy to ignore but I’ve found that my intuition is ALWAYS right when I listen to it and take notice.

    I hope you do manage to get better support from good solid compassionate professionals. I know my CPN is as frustrated by the funding and other changes as I am. She does not want to stop working with me but has no choice. Knowing that has made it a little easier for me.

  11. By: Fi MacLeod Posted: 29th October

    Hi Faith

    Thanks for your lovely comment. I just have incredible inbuilt strength, resilience and determination to survive and make it through. Probably because I’ve simply had to. I’ve had to survive my entire life alone. No-one was there for me as a kid and as an adult I’ve been very isolated. It’s only during the last year or so that I’ve begun to get support after 25 years of banging my head on solid walls trying to get help. I’ve been fortunate that I have been fully believed by those supporting me. That makes such a difference. Even with the support I have, it has it’s own problems which makes things very hard. And it’s down to me to do the work and do what’s needed for me to move forward and heal. I’m very good at surviving, no matter what, that’s what I do well.

    I’m sorry you haven’t been believed and have been abused further. I hope that you do eventually come across a professional who does believe you and support you. I think part of the problem is that people, even the professionals, do not want to believe that abuse happens in the system, so it’s easier to blame the victim rather than believe them and face the truth and change the system.

    My experience of the mental health system is it’s very hard to get help and even when you do get help you have to accept what’s offered, regardless of whether it’s what you really need, because otherwise you get removed from the system. Yes, I think it is possible to get help. But whether it’s the help we need or deserve? Well, I’m not that sure of that!!

    But I do you do get help, and support and most of all, are believed, so that you can start to heal.

  12. By: Karen B Posted: 28th October

    I’ve been thinking about working toward an MA in Counselling and seeking work as an advocate for abuse victims – kids and adults, but it is really discouraging just how broken the mental health and legal systems are. In a newspaper article I read recently, in response to a case in the courts right now in Alberta where a foster parent (a 26 year old untreated abuse survivor who was given custody of her drug-addicted brother’s 6 young children but not given any follow up support by any child services agency despite her repeated requests for help…) who lost in one night and beat her 4 year old neice who died from her injuries, a government official was saying basically that the decision to put these kids into “kin care” was because “even a family situation that’s not ideal is better than losing the kids into the foster system.” (I am paraphrasing) So, the government knows that the foster system sucks and is perhaps even less safe for at-risk kids than their own abusive homes? I am just left shaking my head. And when I hear how many of you have been treated by police and the mental health system, it’s just so disheartening. We tell kids to tell a trusted adult if they are being hurt etc., but what happens if they do? Does the trusted adult believe them? Do they help them find prompt help and support? Do they pass the buck and say, “I’m sorry, that’s not my juristiction…” Unfortunately I don’t think our governments and policing systems etc. have the supports truly in place to immediately protect and provide healing support to kids in trouble, or to adults who are recovering themselves from their lifetimes of abuse. And when you hear the ridiculously light sentences offenders get for abusing and even killing children – it’s such Bull S&*T! Sorry to rant about this, it just pains me so much to read what Fi (and others) have endured as kids, then when you try to get help you get the run-around because of a flawed legal system and mental health budget cuts or funding changes or you get therapists who do more harm than good. It shouldn’t be this way. Children should matter more to our society, including adults whose childhoods were stolen by abuse. Hugs to all of you, you inspire me to overcome my own challenges and try to get in a position where I can (hopefully) help abuse survivors someday.

  13. By: J Posted: 28th October

    Fi,

    I can fully relate to feeling lost in the mental health system. (Actually, pretty much abandoned by it is probably more accurate). I’ve had the unfortunate knack of finding (sometimes I think “attracting”) supposed professionals who f**k with me and make me feel even worse quite a few times over the journey so far, and always have huge amounts of doubt/guilt even when the workers/other people that I trust are telling me that what they do is wrong (just can’t seem to find the confidence to trust my own feelings).

    I used the word “attracting” before because I sometimes wonder if being raised to blame myself for both my own and other’s faults/problems has led me to believe that blaming myself is normal, so I therefore either don’t see the warning signs from dodgy professionals, or actually subconsciously seek out such people because that’s what I’m used to.

    Not sure if I’m expressing myself very clearly. My sleep pattern’s so messed up lately, and I usually find even when I do get sleep, I wake up feeling just as lethargic (sometimes worse) which is soooooooo damn frustrating. Been trying to catch up on sleep today but can’t. Blaaahh. >:( (grumpy face)

    I just found out yesterday that my psych can’t see me any more this year becuase the governemnt just changed the funding in some way so I’m out of appointments. My GP’s on leave for a month, the counsellor I had trusted and been seeing weekly I had to stop (she turned out to be harming rather than helping). So annoying; just feels like every damn support I had is disappearing one by one.

    Feeling very pessimistic today but I can have hope for you (and everyone else) — it’s always so much easier for me to feel positive for others than myself! So I really hope you can find good, professional (in action rather than title), and helpful people who will treat you better than you deserve through this process and really get whatever help you need to find as much peace and happiness as you possibly can.

    And thank you very much for your comment about moving out. I can tell that you understand, and that means a lot to me.

    Hope everyone is doing well!

  14. By: Fi MacLeod Posted: 27th October

    Hi J

    I meant to wish you well in your search for somewhere independent to live. It is a HUGE step to take. And yes you’re gonna need to be MEGA gentle on yourself. I hope and pray it works out for you and is the new start that you need to move on and feel less stuck and stagnated!!

  15. By: Fi MacLeod Posted: 27th October

    Hi Pam

    Thanks, I really appreciated you saying that. It makes me sick too! I would add that we have a legal system which has become too weighted in the favour of criminals while victims of crime get lost in the process and have no say and no right of appeal. My thoughts about a certain over-paid smart arsed lawyer are not printable!!

  16. By: Pam Posted: 27th October

    Fi, It makes me sick that you didn’t get justice. It is another reminder to me that we don’t have a justice system, we have a legal system. Often, it seems like it is the smart crooks who are part of the system alligned with the dumb crooks against innocent, good people. Sorry, that was just a small rant…

    Pam

  17. By: Fi MacLeod Posted: 27th October

    Hi Karen B

    It didn’t even get to trial. The police arrested them and wanted to charge them but they lied and denied everything and played games with the police. So the police had to consult the CPS. Lawyers from the CPS decided there was insufficient evidence to charge them with anything and they were freed from bail. They were protected by the system and not exposed. It remains on their record that serious allegations were made against them and if new evidence comes to light the case can be re-opened. New evidence is coming to light now and I do not believe the police have a leg to stand on if they refuse to re-open the investigation. The original decision was mind boggling in the extreme and there is no defense for such an appalling decision. What was the worst thing about it was the message it sent to my abusers that they were right when they told me when I was a child that if I ever said anything no-one would believe me and no-one would do anything about them. And that proved to be the case. The police believed me and there were witnesses too but an over paid smart arsed lawyer believed their lies and actually said there was “no evidence” of child sexual abuse or child cruelty. Unbelievable given the evidence available!! The whole thing stank!!

  18. By: Karen B Posted: 27th October

    Fi, I was also wondering how the court decision to drop charges had affected you – I’m so sorry that after what must have been an excruciating process of bringing these charges forward and to trial that you didn’t get a more just outcome. It is appalling that there is often nowhere for abused children to turn when the courts and judicial systems and police and social services continually fail them. Hopefully we can all do whatever we can do to make a difference, wherever we are. Many prayers that your continuing efforts with the police will not be in vain.

    Sophia,
    I can relate to what you describe, of going along doing pretty good and then being taken down with an intense return of negative feelings and thoughts that seems to come out of nowhere. I’m not exactly sure why that happens, but I have a few ideas and am trying to figure it out, because I believe it’s a stage or a step in our healing process that is important. I suspect that as we do therapy and life coaching and whatever else we do to deal with our pasts and seek healing, as we get stronger, we gain the strength to cope with even harder stuff that we couldn’t handle facing before, so as we reach a new level of strength and perspective, our consciousness lets us become aware of more stuff – perhaps older, deeper, or more intense feeling of our past pain/issues – so that we can process and heal it with our new skills, or seek out new help and ideas if necessary.

    It has helped me to see these painful moments of what feels like regression into stuff I thought I had dealt with or handled as just another stage in the healing process. I have learned, slowly, to try not to panic that I’m feeling this stuff again (after going through a year of frequent panic attacks…I had to learn this!)and to instead take a step back from the feelings and ask myself, “Why am I feeling all this again?” and try to work with it rather than let myself get caught up in the negative feelings and messages that are churning around inside me. I try to just be with the feelings and learn what I can about why I think/feel this way and try to create some new tapes of how I want to think about myself, rather than give these old messages any more strength by listening to them or getting emotionally caught up in their hatefullness, if that makes any sense.

    This garbage surfaces and re-surfaces so we can throw it away, which we do as long as we can resist the old tendency to believe the lies and re-ingest the toxicity, if that makes any sense. I have found help in Buddhism, meditation, a modality called Body Talk, in Eckhart Tolle’s writing, and many other sources over the years. I don’t know if it’s acceptable to share the things we’ve tried and found success with here, but if I can recommend any “alternative” healing modality as really effective for helping heal PTSD and emotional trauma, it’s been Body Talk for me. If anyone wants any more information let me know.

    Anyway, my point is that I have experienced what you describe, and hope that you will see this as evidence of healing rather than as some kind of failure/regression on your part. And I understand how awful it feels!!! Even when I try to stay calm and not go under the wave of intense feelings and talk myself through it etc. etc., it still feels VERY awful and it’s hard not to get taken down by these feelings. So hang in there.

  19. By: Fi MacLeod Posted: 27th October

    Hi J

    You wouldn’t be the first to make a pun about stereos lol but actually, just for the record my name is pronounced “Fee” rather than the 2nd part of hi-fi!

    It’s very hard having my workers changed, it’s taken me a year to really trust and feel safe with my CPN and comfortable enough with her to start talking about the abuse. And then to have her changed so suddenly at just that point is really hard. And to have her changed just for the sake of change, for the sake of the system makes it worse. This is the 2nd time in 4 months that decisions about my care have been taken which have negatively affected me and my healing progress without consulting me and without taking into account what I need and what is best for me. It’s annoying to put it mildly. I kind of feel lost in the mental health system.

    My other worker is my mental health recovery worker who has had to stop work because of illness. I’ve only been working with her since June, our relationship was still rather superficial and I was still in the process of building trust and rapport with her. And now I have to start that process all over again with someone new.

    It’s so draining, it takes so long to build trust and takes so much out of me to do so. What’s been particularly hard is to have both happen at exactly the same time. That’s been virtually too much to bear.

    I’m still in the process of change and I doubt if things are really going to start to settle for me until into next year.

    It has left me feeling dazed, bewildered, betrayed, let down and fearful. But I keep telling myself I’ve been through worse and gotten through but I could do without all the tough changes! Thanks for raising the issue!

  20. By: Fi MacLeod Posted: 27th October

    Hi Sophia

    How fantastic that you encountered such amazing people when you had to go out yesterday!

    Yes, when the charges were dropped it ripped my life apart and I haven’t recovered or gotten over it. It was deeply shocking and traumatising. I’ve not really been able to live with that decision and have been making a pain of myself with the police during the last year. The good news is the police are currently reviewing my case. Whether that’s going to lead to anything or not is another question. I can’t even hope for justice now, not after what happened last year, I was so hurt! But it would be so good if they could find a way to make charges stick this time around. Every time a child abuse case going through the courts hits the press I am reminded and I find that virtually impossible to deal with. It hurts beyond anything I have words for.

  21. By: J Posted: 27th October

    Hi Fi,

    (I just looked at what I typed, and now I have to restrain myself from trying to make a bad pun about stereos) 🙂

    It’s very late, but I haven’t been on here for a few days (it feels like a lot longer for some reason) and wanted to write something quickly.

    That’s so hard with workers changing; I really hope you catch a break with your new ones! I’ve had several changes in the various therapists I’ve been trying recently. It can leave you feeling pretty dazed and confused, I find.

    My big news is I’m starting the process of trying to find a place to live! Gonna have to be SUPER gentle on myself through it (having believed since I was a kid that I’d never be able to support myself or move out of home alone, I’m scared s**tless even thinking about it) but at least I’m trying something. Felt so stuck & stagnant lately.

    Hope everyone is doing well! (Have to leave the other new comments for another time to read I think)

    PS – Fi I wish you (and all of us here!) all the strength and support you need to work through all the darkness to find peace.

  22. By: Faith Posted: 27th October

    Whow, my heart goes out to Fi and others who are being abused or have been. It gives me strength and courage to see that it is possible to speak up about ones’ abusers. I am sorry that the abuse charges were dropped against her abusers, though. Fi must have some awesome counselors and support systems to be able to survive all of what has happened to her. I can hardly imagine the horrors she has been through, let alone fathom how she survived it all.

    I’ve had my own abuses throughout my lifetime; but nothing as horrific as what she has seen and been through. Her story gives me some hope that maybe one day someone will believe in my story and help me.

    My problems didn’t really bad until I became an older woman and now I appear vunerable so the professionals I talk to are not as helpful to me as I need them to be. They use the psychological tactics that it has been my own choices that have caused me to be abused; but I never asked to be abused. I never asked to be raped, set-up to be raped or to be mistreated by the Veterans Administration while housed in their Domicilary. I’ve heard of some patients being raped in hospitals; but I was just awaiting housing. The Social Workers have been mean to me even though I have never abused drugs, alcohol and do not have any police records. I’m still feeling lonely, fearful and lost because of what some of the therapists, Social Workers, doctors have put me through. I know, it is hard to believe a patient when they “claim” they are being mistreated; but I have been receiving mental/emotional abuse by some of the professionals I have had to deal with.

    I hope the FI and others like her are able to receive the help they so deserve.

  23. By: Sophia Posted: 27th October

    Thanks. Yesterday I had to go out and function, even though my guts were churning with anxiety. Amazingly, the entire day I kept encountering great kindness from people, even total strangers. Fi, I am so disturbed to hear that all charges were dropped against your abusers. I would have found that particularly difficult to endure.

  24. By: Pam Posted: 26th October

    Fi,Yes,it is worth the price.:0)

    Pam

  25. By: Fi MacLeod Posted: 26th October

    Yes, there is indeed a price to be paid for healing, but even in the relatively short time I’ve been healing I can see it being worth it!

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