I am pleased and excited today to welcome my friend Fi Macleod. Fi is a fellow blogger and an amazing survivor of horrific abuse. Fi has a passion for writing and the subject of spiritual abuse is close to her heart. Please help me welcome Fi and her with her second guest post on Emerging from Broken! As always, please we invite you to post your comments and participate in the discussion. ~ Darlene Ouimet ~ founder of Emerging from Broken

child sexual abuse in families“YOU’RE NOTHING BUT TROUBLE! YOU DESERVE EVERYTHING YOU GET” by Fi Macleod

This statement was used many times during my childhood. As a result I developed deep self-blame. I bore responsibility for things which were actually nothing to do with me. The self-blame is combined with deep shame and guilt. The self-blame came through a combination of verbal and non-verbal messages from my abusers and messages from the abuse itself.

 “You’re nothing but trouble, you deserve everything that happens”

“You deserve it because you’re a girl, we didn’t want a girl”

“You deserve it because you’re evil”

“You deserve it because the bible tells us you deserve it”

“You deserve it because….”

 “You deserve it just because we say you deserve it

I never knew when they’d decide I “deserved” a beating, or I “deserved” to be thrown across the room or I “deserved” to be starved or I “deserved” locked in my room or I “deserved” whatever they chose. It was very oppressive. I asked myself many times “what it is about me that is so horrible, that makes me so bad that it doesn’t matter what I do or say, it’s always bad and deserves punishment?” The abuse was “all about me” because my abusers made it all about me. I was taught grown-ups were always right. There was no-one to tell me otherwise. I had no way of knowing anything else.

As a result, the word “deserve” is a loaded word for me. I’m in a place now where there are people in my life supporting and working with me on my healing journey. I hear from them “you deserve to heal”, “you deserve good things”, “you deserve to be happy”, and many other positive “you deserve…” statements.

But whenever I hear the words “you deserve” I hear them through a negative filter. I hear the words “you deserve” spoken severely and feel really bad. I start getting ready to flinch. I have to take a very deep breath, deliberately stop and examine what actually happened. I’ve been able start to do that only very recently. Each time it happens I stop and examine what the person actually said, and more importantly, how they said it. I then filter their statement through a more positive filter of “hang on, wait a minute, I’m not sure but I think they may have meant that positively, they weren’t sounding mean or nasty, so I guess they were actually saying I deserve positive things in my life”. I may not actually believe I deserve positive stuff in my life but a seed was sown.

It helped me immensely to begin to take things apart and look at what actually happened in my childhood. In so doing I am on a journey back to my childhood, back to me as a child, back to what I felt and thought. I’m beginning to look at it from an adult’s perspective and to see things from a different angle. I’m able to start to see events differently and come to different conclusions. As I do that I’m informing the child me of what I’m seeing and learning and helping her realise it wasn’t all about her, there was other stuff going on and there are other ways of seeing and understanding what went on.

It was a HUGE step for me when I began to realise the abuse was not really about me but about my abusers and the abuse says more about my abusers than it does about me. That was a massive shift in my thinking and began to turn the self-blame around.

It’s was hard to look deeper than the bigger picture, partly because the big picture was so horrible and painful. There was a part of me which didn’t want to zoom in to look at the detail. But it helped me a lot to begin to look at specific incidents I remember which helped cement my deep self-blame. From very early childhood from birth I was abused in every way by my grandparents, their paedophile friends and other relatives including my parents and brother. There was no respite from the abuse, it was everywhere in my childhood. My life was full of abuse, confusion and mixed messages.

Here are a few incidents I recall which helped to develop self-blame in my child’s mind.

–          I remember being called in from the garden because “grandpa wanted to play with me”. “Play” was a pseudonym for sexual abuse. I didn’t want to “play”. I wanted to stay in the garden chasing butterflies and hunting for ladybirds. I was 3 the first time I remember this. I was called into the house by my mother. My mother set me up to be abused so it couldn’t have been wrong then? I went into the room where my grandparents and mother were. There were two paedophile friends in the room with them. There were 5 grownups in that room – my grandparents, mother and two paedophile friends of the family. None of those 5 grownups saw anything being wrong. Instead the impression was what was happening was ‘normal’, nothing was wrong, except for me, everything about me was “wrong” or so I was told often enough. So if I was surrounded by grownups who all thought nothing was wrong then I must be wrong to think it’s wrong. I knew it was wrong in my gut. It felt all wrong and I didn’t like it at all. I seemed to be the only person to think and feel that so I must be wrong. But I knew I was right and it all felt wrong, very wrong! I messed about on my grandfather’s knee, making it obvious I didn’t want to be there and didn’t want to play grandpa’s “games”. Eventually my grandmother said very severely, “stop this nonsense, be a good little girl and do what grandpa wants”. Woah, did she just say that? I’d had it drummed into me that the abuse happened because I was bad and deserved it all. I was being told to be a good little girl and comply but if I did bad, painful, horrible things would happen. So if I was bad the abuse happened, if I was good the abuse happened. That was so confusing.


–          My godfather dropped dead from a heart attack when I was 10. After that it was forbidden to mention his name and there was no contact with my godmother or her 3 children. I was never told what happened to any of them. I was not even told he was dead. They just disappeared, vanished out of the life of my family. I thought it was my fault because I got on really well with two of my godparents’ children. My godfather sexually abused me and his daughter, together with my father. I wondered if someone other than my father and godfather found out and I was being punished. It was my fault my godfather abused me because he said, “he really liked me and found me attractive and I was good at it”.            

–          A few months later my grandfather had his first heart attack. We had to visit him in hospital as a family. I didn’t want to go and communicated that every way I could. I didn’t care he was in hospital and maybe dying. My grandfather had done terrible things to me and I hated him but we had to go see him. Right up to going in that hospital room I made it clear I didn’t want to go. I don’t know what happened at the hospital or if anyone witnessed my reluctance to be there and my parents’ response to that but after leaving I was told by my mother “never ever speak outside the family of what goes on in the family.” I’m not aware of having spoken to anyone, I was scared silent, but her words sowed a seed of doubt in me. I don’t know what happened in that hospital, maybe people saw stuff and realised what was happening? I really don’t know. After that I never saw my grandparents again. I never saw or heard from any relatives again. I don’t know why that split in the family happened but felt it was “my fault”. I must have said something to someone and was being punished.

Believing all the things that happened in my childhood were my fault coupled with the belief that no-one would believe me kept me silent for many years. Only through finally breaking the silence did something wonderful happen. I was believed which was powerful! I began to realise how much my belief that I wouldn’t be believed was built on my abusers lies. I then began to think “well, if they were wrong about that, then what else were they wrong about?”

That was the beginning of me starting to look at the beliefs about me and my life and realising it is possible to begin to believe other things.

In so doing, without realising it, I began to validate myself, my memories and my feelings, and my gut intuition. I began to stop feeling bad about the way I am, think, feel, or react.

That I guess is the start of the end of self-blame.

Fi MacLeod

Another Post by Fi MacLeod ~ Spiritual Abuse ~ The confusion of False Teaching

Fi’s blog ~ You can fly with Broken Wings

BIO:- Fi Macleod is 45. She lives alone in a seaside town in Devon, in the South West of England. Fi is a survivor of severe ritual abuse and incest by all family members during the first 20 years of her life. She was also abused as part of a paedophile ring run in her grandparents’ house from birth to age 8. It took 25 years for Fi to break silence and report her abusers. There was a police investigation in 2010 which ended with all charges being dropped against her abusers. Fi blogs about aspects of the abuse she endured and her healing journey. Fi has been building trust with a support worker in her local Community Mental Health Team since October 2010 and is just beginning to talk about the sexual abuse within that therapeutic relationship. She is also being supported by a mental health recovery worker and a counsellor. Fi is on a waiting list for specialist group therapy .

74 response to "“YOU’RE NOTHING BUT TROUBLE” by Fi Macleod"

  1. By: Fi MacLeod Posted: 28th September

    Hi Alex, yes getting past self-blame is a very hard process.Sometimes realising other people have experienced similar situations can help and move us forward. The powerlessness of the abuse experience is also very hard. Powerlessness dynamics are still very dangerous for me, there are so many triggers around being powerless. And yes, there is nothing any of us could have done that could have made a difference then. What’s lovely now is that the healing journey gives us space to explore that and also how we can make a difference now to ourselves and those around us. I’m glad you this article helped you.

  2. By: alex Posted: 26th September

    thx for sharing

    heard too that we deserved it as we ruined the life of the mother by being born so we had to pay back – and it seemed neverending –

    as long as we believed we could stop the abuse by paying back nothing changed however

    the end of selfblame is still hard

    reading this does help

    in the end I think nothing I could ve done would have made a difference.

  3. By: Diane Posted: 7th May

    Fi…..I totally get the whole denial thing…I got to witness that up close and see how crazy it all got to be! I do believe that you must be extraordinarily intelligent for you to have reached the point in your life to realize that you are NOT the crazy one…that they are! I hope I don’t sound like I am a know-it-all here, but I truly admire you for all the work you are doing to work through the lies of brainwashing. That is exactly what it was! My heart goes out to you and I don’t know if you have discovered real joy for yourself in things you like to do or watch or places you like to go….things that YOU love, but i wish them for you very soon all along this new journey you are taking! More hugs and comfort to you!

  4. By: Fi MacLeod Posted: 7th May

    Thanks Diane, I so appreciate your comment. Yes, the secrets in families like these are totally disgusting and are complete lies. It’s very hard to break free from the lies and the brain-washing. Although I broke silence they still deny anything never happened and that nothing is or ever was wrong in the family. If anything or anyone is wrong then it is me – of course! It’s very tough, very tough indeed!!! But bravo to everyone who breaks silence and breaks free!!!

  5. By: diane Posted: 7th May

    Fi…I cant say that I understand what you suffered…but I feel like telling you that I am so very sorry! I think you have been extremely brave to share! I grew up in a “family” where my dad remarried a woman who had two other sisters …all of them abused by their father who was a dirty old man. He used to tell filthy jokes and noone stopped him either. That family kept its secrets…and the biggest one being that he was very abusive in that way to the youngest daughter from birth to 18 yrs. She is one of the sweetest people you would ever meet and so it makes me angry when I hear of your story because I know you too are probably one of the sweetest! The secrets in a “family” unit like yours are disgusting and lies and I feel very proud of you for telling! For getting away…and for being so brave that you would even seek treatment and write about it to share. My “mom” ended up being the one to break the silence…which everyone denied everything because they were still under that terror reign of their father and mother, but they did end up moving out of state to get away from the things they refused to admit and face up to and be accountable for. “Mom” was very abusive to me while I grew up , only not in THAT way. I learned that in order to keep the secret the adults will emotionally, physically, mentally torment and abuse..and even neglect and torture to keep the child from talking…whatever it takes so they can remain perverted and get away with it. They KNOW it is wrong so they controlled “mom”s family of kids forever until the days that they both died. Hang in there and I truly admire your courage! peace and hugs to you!

  6. By: SMD Posted: 4th March

    Hi Fi,

    Thanks for commenting back. Perhaps, I did use the wrong word “healed”. I agree, it’s a journey to get there. I so admire how far you have come! You are a survivor with your innate inner strength to rise above, those evil family members, and continue pressing forward with your life!
    Best Wishes to you too!

  7. By: Fi MacLeod Posted: 4th March

    Hi SMD

    Many thanks for your comment. I’m still only at the beginning of my healing journey, I have a tremendous way to go and am a very long way off from being healing.

    Yes it is that very “inner strength and fortitude” which keeps me going along with inbuilt resilience and determination.

    What was seen negatively by my abusers when I was a child and called “being bloody minded” or “stubborn” are those very things which have meant I survived and keep on surviving and have now begun my healing journey!

    I’ve not healed my pain, nowhere near it, but I’m accepting it and understanding it now, which is a HUGE step forward.

    All the best to you!

  8. By: SMD Posted: 3rd March

    Hi Fi,
    This is the first time I’ve read your post. How horrific to hear about the extent of your abuse & incest from your own family. My heart goes out to you & what you’ve survived. I can relate to the incest part, since my grandfather was a incestuous pedofile, molester & abuser!…He had sex with his daughters & sons. It breaks my heart, how anyone can be so evil…My grandfather could be very charming to other people outside the family. So, he was capable of turning his behavior on & off.

    Luckily, for me he lived in another state. My mom moved away at 18 to get out of the house. I believe she saw my dad as her knight in shining armor, although he was damaged also,from family abuse & addiction. I did know my grandfather from visiting him as a child. I don’t understand why my mom would even want to see him ever again. I believe she was brainwashed by him, on so many levels. I just remember feeling very anxious being in my grandfather’s house and I don’t remember anything harmful happening to me, but I’ve been emotionally abused & neglected, by my parents.

    I’m now suspecting, my sister was sexually abused…this creates such anxiety in me. My dad would close her door and yell in her face, when she was a teenager. He called her a whore & made comments about her body in front of me & my brother. I’m forty three and remembering these specific incidents. Anyway, my stomach hurts and i’m getting a headache thinking about this. I’m glad that you were able to heal your pain. Your have inner strength and fortitude!….Take care, SMD

  9. By: J Posted: 30th November


    That’s really fantastic news about your sexual abuse therapist! So glad to hear it! I imagine that this area would be such a vulnerable & sensitive topic to discuss, so I’m really glad that it’s turning out well for you so far.

    Sorry to hear about your experience with the psychiatrists. Unfortunately I relate all too well to it. I can’t remember a positive experience with psychiatrists in my life (admittedly, there haven’t been that many, but it’s a pretty dismal strike rate)

    I like your recovery worker already!! 🙂 (for her getting angry about the psych’s)

    “Gently” sounds like a very good way to be! I often get frustrated at myself for needing to (or just push myself anyway). I hope being gentle is working for you! I can also relate to this time of year being difficult. Wishing you all the best for your navigating!!

    Thanks for your wishes. In writing that last paragraph, I became aware that I’m pushing myself pretty relentlessly at the moment (in terms of stressing myself out with lots of appointments, phone calls etc in relation to welfare & housing — as well as just the pretty intense fears related to both of these issues).

    But for an extremely welcome spot of good news, I just found out today I’ve been backpaid for several months of welfare, so my bank account has gone from basically empty, to having three “zero’s” at the end of it! (Still in shock, to be honest….)

    Very late….. brain’s slowing down fast.

    Once again, so glad to hear there’s some positives happening for you! Thanks for the reply! 🙂

    (Got a hint of tears in my eyes again. Not even sure why really. I think there’s at least a degree of happiness in them though. Maybe it’s just the feeling of connection.)

    Take care Fi!

  10. By: Fi MacLeod Posted: 29th November

    Hi J

    Great to hear from you.

    I’ve had 2 appointments with my sexual abuse therapist now. She’s good, really good and I feel I will be able to grow a working relationship with her.

    The meeting with the psychiatrists left me feeling very depressed. I learned nothing I didn’t know already and they told me it will get worse before it gets better, which wasn’t constructive at all and I didn’t need to hear that. They had nothing constructive or helpful to say during the meeting. I await their letter which may or may not tell me anything new.

    Still no named replacement for my CPN so still with her for now, I see her on Friday.

    I’m developing a good rapport with my new mental health recovery worker and she was very angry about what happened during the meeting with the psychiatrists.

    I’m having to take life very gently with all the changes and also all the anniversaries I have to navigate this time of year.

    Hope things settle down for you!!

  11. By: J Posted: 29th November

    Just wanted to say hello Fi & hope you’re doing well! How did your appointments go? (if you’re happy to share of course).

    Not sure how my experiment is going. Had an absolute shocker last night; but it’s so hard to tell if it’s due to reduced meds, birthday blues, extra stress of trying to get welfare/housing etc — or something else entirely.

    Take care!

  12. By: Fi MacLeod Posted: 21st November

    Hi J

    Yes, it is HUGE, really HUGE for me! Thanks for making that point. I’m very good at understating things!!

    I hope that your experiment with reducing/coming off your meds works out for you. All the best!

  13. By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 21st November

    Emerging from Broken has been having technical difficulties this past 18 hours and no comments have been allowed through. This problem has been resolved now; please try to post comments again. (I got notices about the posts people were trying to comment on)

  14. By: J Posted: 20th November

    That sounds like some really positive stuff Fi – esp. getting the experienced sexual abuse psych! Really hope that she can help make a huge positive influence with you! Thanks so much for sharing your news!

    And may I say, seeing major change as positive for the first time in your life is not just “something” in my view — that’s HUGE!!! 🙂

    Thanks so much also for your kindness & encouragement! There’s a part of me that can see the positive side of basically all my professional supports disappearing / seeming negative at the same time (GP was just on holidays at least and is back now, and psych is only temporarily unavailable due to government funding changes) cause at least I know I can get through that happening. (Losing my supports was something I worried about quite a lot).

    I’ve actually decided to go the other way re meds — I’m currently cutting back on them very gradually (with dr’s knowledge, I should add). About the worst I ever remember feeling was coming off one anti-depressant (to try going on a different one) couple of years back — I just felt like the walking dead coming off them. Scared the s**t out of me, quite frankly, so I’m being taking it VERY slowly this time (very scared of that happening again).

    Basically I decided to try coming off anti-depressants altogether just to see what happens. (That sounds pretty stupid when I say it like that). To elaborate, GP says there’s a fair chance stopping the meds will help with my sweating (which is just totally out of control in the last… ?? year or 2 I think??) which is a big problem for me (I try to always wear black so it doesn’t show up so much, but still often feel very self-conscious when I’m plastered with sweat…. especially when it’s not even hot & I haven’t been doing anything remotely physical). Also (and probably the main reason), they don’t seem to be doing anything…. or at least, they’re not preventing me getting worse.

    So we’ll see what happens. So much huge change going on in my life at the moment. Arguably, it’s not very sensible to try stopping meds altogether given this fact, but what the hell. I can always go back on them if it seems like I get worse from stopping them. And maybe it will help. I think I also want to find out if other symptoms (like lack of energy, mental haze, memory problems etc) are connected to, or caused by, the meds.

    All the best for your continued progress as well Fi! Thanks again so much for sharing 🙂

  15. By: Fi MacLeod Posted: 18th November

    Hi J

    Thanks for your comment. I really appreciate you checking out how things are working out for me.

    For many years I thought the only option I had was to live with the dysfunction, trauma and damage in my life. I didn’t think there was anything me or anyone else could do about it and I didn’t think I’d be believed anyway. I was diagnosed with depression over 25 years ago by a Dr and have been on various anti-depressants over the years with mixed results. It was only when I got to a point in myself where I realised I couldn’t continue as I was and something had to change that I discovered something could be done about it. I’ve come along way during the past year although I know I have a very long way to go yet. The difference speaking out and getting good support has made to me.

    Things are beginning to settle now and I’m beginning to feel more positive about all the changes to my support workers.

    I’ve gotten used to losing my original mental health recovery worker and I’m slowly beginning to like the replacement worker and to feel I will be able to work with her. My CPN and I are working towards ending and starting with a new worker but without a named replacement we are indefinitely meeting while being aware it will end but with no definite timetable, which is helping me get used to the idea but is hard too. I know it will hurt when it happens and am not looking forward to it actually happening. Because there is no guarantee that K’s replacement will be able to do sexual abuse work I’ve been given a highly experienced sexual abuse psychologist. I had my first session with her next week which went well. So I have got an extra worker out of this change which is a positive thing.

    It is the first time in my life that I have gone through major change and been able to see it as positive rather than just negative which is something.

    The last few weeks have taken a lot out of me and it’s been really hard but I’ve realised a lot about how far I’ve come as a result of it all.

    I have an appointment with 2 psychiatrists on Tuesday, one a consultant and one a registrar to discuss my mental health, care plan and medication. After a quarter of a century of believing living with depression was my lot in life I am finally going to have a proper conversation about my mental health, I never ever thought that could ever happen for me.

    I understand completely what you say about just getting through hoping for small improvements over time. For so many years life was like that for me. I didn’t even dare to hope for small improvements, I was just getting through. But it is possible for things to be different given the right people, and it is hard when those involved in your care don’t get it or really know what’s wrong or what to do about it.

    I hope that you have some people come into your life who do know and can help and make a difference for you and with you.

  16. By: J Posted: 18th November

    I was just re-reading the comments here, and your comment Fi (#45) really stood out to me. Particularly the parts about “living, rather than just existing” and healing as a continuum of “getting more and more healed, functioning better, and being negatively affected less and less”.

    Also noticed our earlier discussion of supports being whittled away. I hope things have picked up for you on that front. For myself, it got me thinking about my supports and what they do for me / what I would like done for me in a perfect world etc.

    My GP has been incredibly generous with his time and not charging for long appointments etc for many years now. But sometimes I wonder if I’m “trapping” myself in a way by continuing to see him when I seem to be getting worse, not better. (My recent clarity regarding my abusive upbringing is progress from blindness, but in terms of “right now”, it’s only made things much worse).

    I can be quite a hypochondriac at times (spelling?!?). Didn’t really realize this until fairly recently. Growing up I was variously convinced I was going to die of a heart attack (used to get what I thought were chest pains. Not really sure what it was, but I’m still here, so obviously wasn’t a heart attack brewing like I thouoght). Thought I had testicular cancer for years (but was too afraid/ashamed to have it checked out for years. Turned out to be nothing). Probably other things I’ve forgotten as well.

    Lately, I often find symptom lists of mental disorders online, and have had a fair few where I feel like almost all apply to me. But then I forget which ones I’ve asked my GP about and which ones I haven’t etc. (Things like borderline personality disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, mild obsessive compulsive disorder etc etc etc).

    I usually convince myself (or at least, beat myself up mentally) for being a worrier etc. But sometimes I think it’s not that at all, and that I really need someone to help me figure out what actually applies to me and what doesn’t, and what that means in terms of treatment etc.

    I think the main reason for this is that several of the disorders I’ve got symptoms for are listed as often being mis-diagnosed as depression, and from memory many of the treatments are listed as being counter-productive for depression (and vice versa). And because I’ve been on anti-depressants (quite a few different types, as well) for the last 6 years but haven’t really had any signifcant or lasting improvement, it seems quite possible that something like that might be going on here. It’s all very confusing.

    And then I think of the headaches I’ve been getting lately that feel like a crushing pressure against my skull. I asked my GP if they’re different to “normal” headaches (as in, they feel different to me — I think of them as coming from having too many thoughts in my head). He said he thought they might be anxiety related. I sometimes suspect I haven’t really made enough of a fuss about all the symptoms I get becuase I’m so used to them (or perhaps because I think I deserve them all).

    And I guess when I say “fuss”, I really just mean that I want to know what’s going on, and why, and what can be done about it. But when the doctors don’t even know, I guess there’s not much you can really do, except just keep on getting through, and hoping for small improvements over time.

    Sorry if that sounds depressing. It actually feels kind of inspiring, or maybe even positive to me at the second.

    Hope everybody’s doing well!

  17. By: Fi MacLeod Posted: 15th November

    Hi Laramar

    Thanks very much for your comment, you make good points.

    For now I cringe every time someone says “you’re so strong” “you’re so brave” “you’re so courageous” “you’re such a hero” “you’re so amazing” and similar things. I have a lot of baggage around that stuff and a lot to work through until I can stop cringing and celebrate it. For now I’m aware of the issue and thanks for picking up on it. I am sure that as I heal and progress I will eventually accept my strength, courage etc.

  18. By: Laramar Posted: 13th November

    And thank you Darlene as ever for your kind, caring, nurturing of this sacred space to testify.

  19. By: Laramar Posted: 13th November

    I always have to revert to a perhaps naive idea that there is a greater hand behind things, and that some of us come here with a much more intense journey of awakening to our power than others. You were not institutionalized because, despite all the pressure and brainwashing to the contrary, you are in fact a very powerful human being, or you would not have survived to tell us so cogently of the abuses you suffered.

    The biggest lie molesters perpetuate is that we, their victims, are powerless. To me, one of the more intense wow moments was understanding how strong I must have been, even as a very young child, to have gotten through any of this, much less all of it. I feel that your greatest journey now is not just acknowledging and processing the degree of horrific abuse you suffered, but also learning to accept that you are a very extraordinary survivor, who not only made it through, but have not harmed anyone else, and are helping us to heal by telling your story so articulately.

    Please allow yourself, and that poor abused inner little girl, the dignity of eventually accepting the heroism inherent in your soul. It is an amazing thing for us to read of, but it would be even more amazing to know that you gave yourself that honoring.

    Blessings – Laramar

  20. By: Fi MacLeod Posted: 11th November

    Hi Laramar

    Thanks for your comment. “A factory of child abuse” is a really good way to describe it all.

    I’m currently going through major changes to 2 of my support workers, starting with new ones, plus an extra very specialised worker coming into my support network too. It’s a very painful and difficult time although I can also see positives coming out of this too.

    It took me a while to reply to your comment because I was trying to take a day off from thinking about the abuse, but I guess it never really goes away and I thought it better to reply before I head to bed.

    There were many aspects of my abuse that were deliberately planned out to the tiniest detail and I find that very hard.

    I think it’s a major miracle that I’ve not been instutionalised by the effects of the abuse upon me.

  21. By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 11th November

    This is a powerful way to talk about this subject; like a factory of child abuse. YES that is exactly what how it is.
    loved your comments!
    Hugs, Darlene

  22. By: Laramar Posted: 11th November

    Fi –
    What I keep coming back to in all this is how INSTITUTIONALIZED these abuse cases seem to be! You not only had the team effort to force you into this as a child, but you had the team effort to keep your case from being tried with any justice in the court system. It’s almost like you were part of a factory of child abuse! It is exactly what my late husband experienced in his satanic family.

    I had an interesting conversation with a caseworker where I live, and I was trying to explain as a victim how eerie it is that the Catholic Church, once you strip away its ornate trappings, is one of the most effective factories for the manufacture of pedophiles and their victims of any organization on the planet. How handy to have the pro-life stance of the mostly male Catholic Church, and how oddly convenient that thousands of unwanted children will be born into desperate circumstances every day, and will inevitably be vulnerable to and end up unable to defend themselves against a predator in clergy robes.

    One of the things I realized about my father, abused by priests as a child and then a child abuser himself, was that his sickness had a cut-off date – there was a certain age at which myself and his other child victims were just too old to be sexually attractive. He always needed fresher, younger prey. How handy for him that the Catholic Church with their pro-life policies kept pedophiles like him in fresh stock of new prey.

    I have no polite or diplomatic way of talking about this – it feels like the reason the child abuse issue seems to be epidemic is because we have powerful, institutionalized organizations that are perfectly designed to create and sustain the ideal environment for abusive predator/prey relations well into the foreseeable future. Witness the institutionalized failure of Penn State to effectively defend those poor young boys, sports being another powerful institution that seems perfectly designed to keep powerful pedophiles very happy.

    I wish you had more closure with this Fi, but most of us will never see justice with our abuser in our lifetimes. What we will see is more and more public outrage (the Penn State scandal) that tilts the scales of justice in our favor in the courts, and in the court of public opinion. Also, speaking from personal experience, the times I have lost what I thought were great therapists, I have been blessed with even better replacements than I even imagined were possible, so I ask you to be open to the possibility that a more benevolent path is opening to you that you wouldn’t have been able to discover on your own.

    When you take your healing into your own hands as you so valiantly have, miracles really do happen!

    Blessings on your amazing journey – Laramar

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