When Society Defends Abuse and Abusers instead of the Abused Child

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EFB blog butterflyMany of you have heard about the 5 year old little girl Alexa Linboom who was disciplined for drinking her step mothers grape soda without permission and as a punishment her father and step-mother forced her to drink 2.4 litres of water and several cans of grape soda which caused her to die. “Both parents were charged with first-degree murder, aggravated child abuse and two counts of aggravated child neglect.” (court date for this trial is Scheduled for October 2014)

Here is a summary paragraph, but if you are interested in the whole story follow the highlighted sentences and links at the end of the post. “The Vaughns disciplined Alexa by forcing her to drink about 2.4 liters of fluid, including several 12-ounce cans of grape soda, in a span of one to two hours, according to an autopsy report prepared by the Quillen College of Medicine at East Tennessee State University. She was bruised throughout her body and had cuts on her face, the report states.”

In an effort to show what children and adult survivors of child abuse are up against with the way society views child abuse, I am writing about the commenters who STUCK UP for the parents in this situation, saying that the punishment (charged with murder) they received for their actions which ultimately caused this little girl’s DEATH, was too harsh.

Too harsh?

The autopsy report and even the charges state that there were signs of ongoing abuse and neglect but some people commenting still defend the abusive parents.

It has been my experience that sticking up for abusive parents is about parental entitlement; if anything threatens the ‘rights’ of the parents, some people will freak out and defend parents; even parents who caused the death of their child. Adults posted on this article that their parents disciplined them in a similar way and they ‘turned out fine’. Some defended the parents saying that it wasn’t ‘that much liquid’ and they go down the rabbit trail leading nowhere defending that this little girl ‘should have been able to drink that much liquid’… As though the specialists who performed the autopsy must have made a mistake, but the bottom line is that there are people who are completely willing to ignore the DEATH of this child that directly resulted from the punishment she was given because validating that the child DIED as a result of the punishment, threatens the ‘rights’ of parents. There can be no other reason for their defensiveness.

I am using this example because it is extreme enough to get my point across. A child is dead and instead of reading the entire article and realizing that a horrific crime had in fact been committed, some people wrote in defence of the abusive parents who KILLED that child.

In order to support their claims that these parents should not be convicted, several people posted that “the death was an accident.” So does that mean that the punishment wasn’t fitting because the parents didn’t know it might kill her? Does that mean that the evidence of ongoing physical abuse and neglect should not be brought up as evidence against the parents?  And in reference to the actual event ~ If my husband throws me down the stairs, should he be excused because he didn’t realize that action would break my legs? And if I went into a coma and died, should he be let off because he didn’t intend to kill me, he just wanted to ‘teach me a lesson’? Does that make the death an accident?

If a woman is threatening her child by hanging her over the side of a bridge by one leg and the mother loses her grip which results in the child falling to her death, does that excuse the fact that she dropped her child off a bridge. Can we really call that an accident?

Here is a visual for you; Imagine that I am sitting at a table with friends and I reach over and grab my friends glass of soda pop without asking, and I drink it. What would the other people say or do if she started forcing me to drink liquid until I passed out? Imagine me sitting in a restaurant, choking and sputtering while my friend forces me to keep drinking as punishment for taking her soda. And then if it went to court, and my abuser was convicted of wrongful death, and it was posted in the news, how many people do you think would DEFEND the person who forced me to drink until I died?

Why does so much of society view the way that an adult treats a child any differently?

I watched a video of an abusive father whose daughter set up her webcam to capture her father beating her with a belt. The video is over 7 years old, and it if you watch it I will warn you it is very graphic and really hard to watch. Again, it is the comments from some of the commenters that got to me the most. Even though this video went viral, and there was a public outcry against the abusive father who also happened to be a Judge in the State of Texas, people were defending him. People called the daughter all kinds of names and made all kinds of judgments indicating that these parents were within their rights and that the daughter deserved whatever treatment they dished out AND some commenters posted their opinions about the daughter as though they ‘knew’ all about her and why she deserved the beating. The video showed an abusive father, beating his daughter with a belt and swearing at her saying things like “bend over or I’ll spank your f-ing face” for almost 7 minutes straight (well he leaves the room once and comes back and starts over) and people didn’t take that recorded evidence at face value, but instead justified the fathers behavior with all kinds of judgments such as ‘she was so ungrateful and spoiled and posted all types of reasons as proof of WHY the daughter DESERVED the beating and verbal abuse.

What gets me is that the commenters who post in favor of the parents’ rights to beat their children so often refer to the children as though they are NOT actually “people” with basic human rights. This is also where we find the root of the problem; so many people view children as NOT quite people yet and some commenters will even refer to themselves as children who ‘deserved’ to be hit in this way justifying that it didn’t “hurt them”. I find myself wondering if those same people beat their own children or plan to and therefore must agree that what their parents did to them was ‘not abuse.’

But there is a true truth;

When an adult hits another adult it is called assault. And assault is illegal. If an adult hits me, I am going to charge that adult with assault. If forcing a child to drink fluid until she passes out, goes into a comma and dies isn’t murder, than what the heck is it? It can’t be called an accident. Why would people give exceptions to parents? Why would the death be excused as an accident? Why is beating a child ever viewed differently than beating and assaulting and adult?

I chose this topic for my content today because I want to expose the way people think and how we have been brainwashed to think in dysfunctional families which causes us to question the definition of “abuse” and “assault”. If people would defend parents who forced a child to drink grape soda and fluids until she passed out, how much more would people defend parents who verbally abused their children? How much more would society defend parents who used a belt, hair brush, shoe or other object to discipline their children? And how much more would people defend neglect and disregard children who have grown up with the emotional pain of being treated in these ways? Just because those treatments are widely accepted and even supported doesn’t make them ‘right’ treatments. People defending parents’ rights do not make those abusive treatments correct or even legal! It isn’t LOVE to treat children this way. Parents do not have those kinds of ‘rights’.

Parents are NOT above the law when it comes to their children and although many parents act as though and believe that they are entitled to do, say, behave however they wish towards their child, that doesn’t mean that they ARE entitled.

Here is the KEY message I am trying to communicate: The next time you tell yourself something must be wrong with you because you have been discounted, rejected, abused, devalued, ignored, dismissed and broken and everyone has convinced you that the problem is ‘you’ remember that just because “everybody” says “it’s you”, doesn’t mean they are right. And just because people agree with certain practices in dysfunctional families, doesn’t mean those practices are right either.

It was when I stopped fighting to prove that I was right and just believed that I was right, that the healing really began. It was when I saw the truth through the grid of love that I realized that love doesn’t harm. It was when I stopped trying to get the abusive people in my life and the people who supported them and their practices to HEAR me, and listened to myself instead, that my world began to look brighter.

Please share your thoughts about this with me. I look forward to hearing your views!

Exposing the Truth; one snapshot at a time

Darlene Ouimet

Are you aware my of my e-book “Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing”? If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you and you would like to find out “HOW” I broke out of the oppression I lived in, this 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to busting out of the fog and to healing. I’ve received hundreds of thank you notes from people that have bought my book. Get yours here for 9.97 through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

My Article on the guy who shot his daughter’s laptop ~ “Facebook Parenting for the Troubled Teen”

Links to the News Stories and Videos: Grape Soda Story  ~

 More on Alexa Linboom~ Alexa Linboom  Autopsy Report 

Judge Adams story of abusive father ~ VIDEO (is graphic)

 

 

 

208 response to "When Society Defends Abuse and Abusers instead of the Abused Child"

  1. By: Katherine Posted: 25th January

    It’s a war . Targeted children never really live , no matter how old they get or if they die at a young age. No, they don’t get help. People in the upper class of society don’t want them in the world in the first place. Lower class society has become a breeding world for the most sadistic and heartless. Middle class society is crazy.They’re the blind ones! They actually think that as long as they live a descent healthy life that their future generations will thrive forever. Did I mention it’s a war . “We don’t want any of you here and sooner or later you’ll die out .” A sadist is a very sick person . There isn’t a cure . You should see the disease for what it is . It’s in every part of society. You will yell at your children when you have no way out and no help. You might not ever beat them or even leave a mark on them,but you will at the very least yell at them . When your spouse has your children to mock you , call you names ,and even pull a knife out on you , no matter how good natured you are you will say or do something that you swore you would never do . Forcing a child to consume something is not what I’m talking about . That IS the evil brain disease . Planned assault. I don’t care how it appears to be spontaneous IT WAS NOT! If your married to the devil you already lost your children . If you are the target they are weapons. You can spend fifteen years or more trying to
    be a good parent . You cannot ask how their day was , you get hateful responses just for asking . That’s what it is like for one of the targeted when they are all grown up . Their parents , siblings , extended family members and all of their friends ( you never really have any) and then your very own children and then grandchildren if you don’t become a hermit or die.

  2. By: Anne Posted: 27th December

    Those last two paragraphs…YES! thank you for this blog!

  3. By: Kaycee Posted: 19th December

    There is a recent story about a Mother who killed her learning disabled son and his infant daughter. It is do disturbing and it looks like it was all about her thinking she had the right at this man’s mother to control his life or even take it if she deemed he would be better off dead. It is very sad that people like this don’t have their ideas about their rights as a parent challenged before they go this far.

    http://www.freep.com/story/news/local/michigan/oakland/2014/12/15/records-show-sylvia-majewska-accomplished-artist-controlling-mother/20415819/

  4. By: Kaycee Posted: 20th November

    Hi Alaina, did you see Darlene left you a post on the blog in question explaining the glitch for your post? All is well, great post you wrote over there btw! Thanks for sharing!

  5. By: Hobie Posted: 20th November

    Alaina Adams aka @LadyQuixote,

    Darlene is away for a week. Pam W is moderating the blog while she is gone, if I understand & remember correctly.

    I don’t know if you have had difficulty on this blog before, but my best guess is that Pam is being cautious. I don’t know how it is determined which posts are held for moderation, but I’m also guessing that there is software involved that scans for trigger words or something.

    I can understand how you feel if you’ve been mistreated as most of us here have been. I hope you come back at least long enough to see if there is an explanation for the delay in your posts.

    Hobie

  6. By: Alaina Adams aka @LadyQuixote Posted: 19th November

    The comment I wrote 2 and a half days ago, comment number 202 posted on November 17 at 3:48 pm, posted immediately. But the comment I just tried to post on Pam W’s new post, is apparently being held for moderation. I think holding comments for moderation is an excellent idea. I just don’t understand why my comment here posted right away, and not my comment on the newest blog is not? I had told myself that I was silly to feel unwelcome on Darlene’s blog. Maybe I wasn’t so silly after all? Or maybe new comments on a brand new blog only are held for moderation? I will find out when I hit “submit comment.” If this comment does not post, if the comment count stays at 202, then I will know. And I won’t be back.

    If that sounds paranoid, that’s just because you haven’t lived my life.

  7. By: Lady Quixote Posted: 17th November

    Wow, Darlene, how your site has grown in the two or more years since I was last here. And now I see that you have a book coming out soon — awesome! Congratulations!

    I am horrified beyond belief that there are people who defend murdering parents. My mind can’t even fathom that.

    When I was 12 my mother told me she needed to get something off her chest that was bothering her. She said she had decided to make me her confessor, because if she confessed to an adult, they might call the police and have her arrested and she would spend the rest of her life in prison. Then the five of us kids would probably go to five separate foster homes and never see each other again, she warned, because “no foster home will take all five of you in. So, if you don’t want that to happen, you must promise to never tell another soul what I am about to tell you.”

    My little sisters and brothers meant the world to me and my mother knew this. She knew my silence would be guaranteed by her warning.

    After I gave my solemn promise never to tell anyone what she was about to say, my mother then calmly and matter-of-factly told me how she had been trying to gas us all to death, all those nights when the central heat had stopped coming on and the house had gotten so cold and I had gotten out of bed to go turn the thermostat up, only to discover it was already turned up as high as it would go. On each of those occassions, I had then gone to check the furnace and had found the gas pilot light was out… so then I would go wake my mother and she would light the pilot and then set the thermostat back down to normal while the house filled with heat.

    I had assumed that the furnace was faulty, although I had briefly wondered how the thermostat kept getting turned all the way up each time the “faulty” pilot light went out. Maybe, I had thought, one of my preschool siblings was turning it up when the house got cold? Although I had also wondered how any of them could reach that high, or how they could go out into the hall and turn up the thermostat without me seeing or hearing them.

    But now my mother was telling me that she had been putting out the pilot light on purpose and then turning the thermostat up as high as it would go, in an attempt to fill the house with gas so that we would all die in our sleep.

    “I brought the five of you kids into the world, so I have the right to take you kids out of the world,” my mother said. “And since life is so hard, I think I would be doing all of you a favor. But apparently this new furnace has a safety shut-off valve built into it. I have been trying to override it and the last time, I thought for sure I had it figured out. But it still didn’t work, so then my plan was to drive us all off a cliff. That’s why I told you to get everyone dressed and out into the car the other day, so we could go for a ride. But I changed my mind at the last minute, because I thought that would be a painful way to die, and anyway, I can’t think of any high enough cliffs around here…”

    I felt like a big part of my soul died when my mother confessed that she had tried, multiple times, to kill us all! I have had a lot of therapy over the years and I’ve done a tremendous amount of healing. But there is still a part of me that feels permanently scarred. At 61, I am afraid I will never completely get rid of the wound of knowing that my own mother actually tried to kill me, and my siblings.

    After my mother told me her terrible confession, she waited with an expectant look on her face for me to respond. I knew from 12 years of experience that I needed to say exactly the right words, in exactly the right way, and with exactly the right tone of voice, or else she might slap me, or worse. But… what is a 12-year-old supposed to SAY to something like that?

    As my numb, shocked, terrified little-girl brain scrambled for the “right” response, the only thing that came to my mind was a form of denial — although I didn’t know anything about denial, way back then. I was brought up in church, so a Biblically-based response is what came to my mind. This is what I said, “But Mother, you know how it says in the Bible that Christ was tempted in all ways, but without ever committing a sin? That means it isn’t a sin to be tempted to do something bad, it is only a sin if you actually do it. You did not really kill us…. so that means you did not sin!”

    I was wrong, of course. My mother did in fact sin very grievously, as it was only the safety valve on the furnace that had kept us all from being killed! But bear in mind that I was only 12 and I had just heard one of the worst things a child could ever hear. I wanted it to Not Be True. I wanted my mother to NOT REALLY have tried to KILL us! But the fact is, she was no less guilty of murdering all of us than she would have been if there were no safety shut off valve and we had all died.

    Here is something else that seemed really bizarre to me at the time. When I told my mother that she was not guilty of sinning, because we were still alive, I expected her to be happy to hear that. She had started off the conversation by saying she needed to get something off her chest that was bothering. So if it was really bothering her — if she was feeling guilty, in other words — shouldn’t my words have made her feel better about herself?

    But rather than being pleased by my answer, my mother was FURIOUS! She looked at me with PURE HATRED in her eyes, and she has treated me as though she hates my guts, ever since.

    It wasn’t until very recently that I finally figured out WHY my mother HATED my response to her confession of multiple attempted murder. Actually, my therapist came up with a possible reason for her furious reaction, and as soon as he suggested it, I knew he was right. He said that my mother must have wanted me to agree that she had the right to take us all out of the world, since she had brought us into it! She wanted me to say something like: Oh, yes, Mother, you are right, and I am sure we would all be better off dead, like you wish!

    Weirdest of all, my mother has complained many times over the years about the mean things her own mother did to her. Yet the things her mother did to her were nothing by comparison. I’m talking about stupid petty complaints, like her mother trying to make her eat foods that she disliked. HELLO — if a mother has the right to kill her children by virtue of the fact that she brought into the world, doesn’t it stand to reason that her own mother had the right to feed her child garbage, if she so desired?

    In the Malignant Narcissist’s world, No One but the MN has any rights. Not even the right to LIVE, if the MN decides they should die.

  8. By: Missy Posted: 10th October

    Darlene, I’ve been enjoying your site very much! I am no contact with my siblings who’ve been abusive in ways I won’t go into here because of their length, but I am still struggling with the loss of a family who doesn’t want to know my side of things; this has left me feeling even more vulnerable and I’m finding it still a challenge to stand up for myself in some situations. Someone simply walked up to me and give me a look that said ‘move over’ I want to sit there, and I just got up and complied! This sort of thing makes me wonder if I will ever ‘get it’ that I have the right to say ‘no’; or at least say ‘sit over there’. So simple, but it doesn’t occur to me until afterwards, much later. Something is trying to yet tell me I don’t matter, even though my family is nowhere around.
    I read the following article, which came across as advice, but only made me feel worse about myself. I think you are an example of someone who has shown courage, so your family probably leaves you alone (?) about your blog and statements. I wonder if this is just what I need to do, gain courage to let people not like me if that’s what they’re going to do–but on the other hand it often seems better to just leave situations where regular contact with them is bound, inevitably, to go the wrong way.Here’s the article:

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/06/21/stand-up-for-yourself-pushover_n_3443039.html

  9. By: marquis (female) Posted: 11th September

    Ooh, a new blog. can’t wait to read it will do that when I get off of work later.

    “I couldn’t even watch the video. Poor child. Makes me wonder if the sperm donor (he doesn’t deserve the title “father”) is some kind of pervert who got sexual pleasure from this and putting it on the internet for the pleasure of other perverts! I have noticed how people tend to always take the side of parents. For instance my parents were pretty controlling even when I reached adulthood and my friends know this yet when I mentioned that to one friend she said “they were just trying to help you” which hurt as she seemed to be implying that my parents were right. I have also noticed that parents, albeit not all of them, often tend to side with other parents. Maybe it is because I never had children that I always tend to naturally empathise with the child.”

    Agreed. I had friends who took my parents’ side knowing it was “sad to see the way I was being treated.” I felt like they didn’t have a mind of their own and my ex-therapist said ‘oh, they didn’t understand. How could you expect them to understand abuse?’ I said ‘Listen to someone’s story and truly understand where they are coming from, there are books and videos on abuse, etc there’s no excuse like you tell me!’ Yea, she didn’t like that comment at all.

    I had a friend long ago who was being abused as she never really said it but I could tell by the way how her mom would treat her. I would never side with a friend’s parents or whoever was abusing them and one day she didn’t like the suggestion I gave her about her mom saying ‘that’s my mom, how dare you say something like that. I could never do that regardless of what she is doing to me.’ Oh boy, saw denial on her part and felt like why did she bother to ask? I’ve had very few parents who sided with me while the rest bashed me and had this “parental arrogance,” their bruised egos being threaten.

    According to people, I will always be wrong why do they bother to ask me anything about myself? Like I have a gazillion people against me out there telling me I am wrong and they are right. Like I have said in a lot of Darlene’s blogs that there’s no balance between parents and children.

  10. By: anna Posted: 11th September

    Hello everyone,

    What I reallt hate is when you tell someone something that your family did to you that us so horrific and abusive, and they try to say something nice about them like “well they did take you on vacations every year” or some other crap that couod not possibly make up for the bullshit they were putting you through.

    My son’s father who is abusive does all sorts if wonderful things for him. They go to the zoo and movies and parties and signs him up for sports. Is that really a good thing when he does it to compete with me and could not care less what his son actually wants to do, besides yelling at me in front of him and telling him lies and treating his mother (me) like total crap?

    God it pisses me off. Its like being discredited all over again.

  11. By: Jackie Posted: 22nd August

    I couldn’t even watch the video. Poor child. Makes me wonder if the sperm donor (he doesn’t deserve the title “father”) is some kind of pervert who got sexual pleasure from this and putting it on the internet for the pleasure of other perverts! I have noticed how people tend to always take the side of parents. For instance my parents were pretty controlling even when I reached adulthood and my friends know this yet when I mentioned that to one friend she said “they were just trying to help you” which hurt as she seemed to be implying that my parents were right. I have also noticed that parents, albeit not all of them, often tend to side with other parents. Maybe it is because I never had children that I always tend to naturally empathise with the child.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 24th August

      Hi Jackie
      Welcome to EFB ~ Yes, that is what this site is about ~ getting to the truth of the whole thing and the entitlement issue is huge. I say to people when they say “they were only trying to help you” I respond “how do you know what they were trying to do??” and then I say “what do you know about my situation? or about my parents?” There is a real bottom line truth and that is what we are getting at.
      hugs, Darlene

  12. By: Taz Posted: 5th August

    I am currently in a situation trying to free my two teenage cousins from the evil of their mother. Our system only creates more tragedy and heartache for the rest of the family. Her endless acts prove time and time again to be exhausting! We have been to every authority figure with no avail, this is a true crime that is unpublishable to our justice system.

  13. By: marquis (female) Posted: 31st July

    I agree about education is the only way, the problem is people have to WANT it and the way I see it out there is most want to stay stupid and believe anything some other fool says!

  14. By: Jenny Posted: 31st July

    We very specifically teach our EMT students how to identify child abuse and how to report it. EMT’s are state mandated reporters. We take this very seriously. What bothers me the most about articles regarding child abuse and borderline child abuse, or any physical harm to the child, is that I mostly see people sticking up for the parents, making excuses for them. If anyone speaks out against it, their comments get attacked and buried. I will never understand what it is about this world that leads people to jump so quickly to hurting children. We soon intend to offer babysitting courses both online and in person, targeting teens, in attempt to change this view on harming children by rolling parenting skills into the curriculum. That way, way when these teens have kids of their own, they will be better educated parents. Education is the only way to stop it.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 1st August

      Hi Jenny
      That is great that you teach this way.
      Our society follows a pecking order and it’s all about power and control. Children are the weakest on the totem pole and that is why they are so targeted. (people have ‘power’ mixed up with love)
      I think that education is part of the answer; I think another part of the answer is for adult survivors of this stuff to find and take their voices back~ the more people who are empowered to stand up to this stuff, the less controlling people, will get away with it.

      Hugs, Darlene

  15. By: marquis (female) Posted: 28th July

    Hi Sadie,

    I used to think that adoptive parents were better than real parents as adoptive parents have “more love” to give to chiuldren. LIke you said, abuse is everywhere and adoptive parents can be abusive too. I have read stories on slate.msn.com on this woman who adopted a child in China and talked about the child like a dog how she and the young girl didn’t bond at all and said ‘I was glad to send that little brat/bitch back to China where she belongs!’ Why did you adopt her in the first place? I believe if people are gonna adopt kids, they need to 1st bond with the child(ren) both sides need to bond because why adopt and the kids will never bond?

    Anyway, I have read more and more stories of adoptive parents being abusive and it isn’t all that cracked up to be. I always thought ‘gosh, do these kids have hope? They hope the adoptive parents love them (some do and some don’t) and want to be loved.’ I also read how these adoptive parents are adopting kids either in the States or overseas for the wrong reasons no different than actual birth parents giving birth to kids for the wrong reasons. Nobody in the media thought to feel sorry for the Chinese girl and people pretty much sided with the American mom saying “she couldn’t handle raising a foreign girl as the girl is too difficult to raise.” Here’s an idea: If your gonna adopt kids from overseas, learn their culture/language that way the kids can have something to celebrate. These nations I heard were saying how Americans are adopting kids for the wrong reasons like adopting Asian children because they want “very smart children,” is the wrong reason to have kids.

    I read another story of a woman who’s adoptive parents were sorry the adoptive mom told her ‘you should be grateful that somebody took the time to adopt you at least I saved you.’ Should be grateful and at least I saved you?! I never asked you to adopt me is what I would say! What is with these guilt trips and shaming towards adoptive children too? These parents, biological or adoptive, what’s with this ‘you owe me attitude?’

    Yep, so even adoptive parents are protected too by society. It’s like everybody out there is saving someone else’s ass instead of exposing the truth for what it really is!

  16. By: Sadie Rone Posted: 27th July

    Thank you for your words!!!

    I was adopted….raised for almost 15yrs as my adopters child. Four brothers and a sister, mom, dad, grandma, grandpa on both sides, aunts, uncles, cousins etc.
    I was told I was chosen…I was told I was special…I was told I was loved and I believed I was.
    When I was 15 I was told I’d be going to a ranch in ?missouri…I was born and raised in Riverside CA.
    I was told they would come and visit….it was for me to become a better person.
    I had just turned 15 two weeks prior.
    I was young and naive.
    I’d never had sex, done drugs or been a bad kid.

    I went to the ranch.
    I stayed at the ranch for six months with no visit and barely 2 calls from my family.
    I tried to kill myself….still…no calls…no one came…
    Six months later the ranch was closed for “abuse.”

    I’ve literally been on my own every since.
    I have been through more than I’ve ever seen in 5 lifetime movies.

    I tried telling on my adoptive dad for coming in my room at night
    …but I was TOLD nothing happened.

    My family had brainwashed me, abused me and left me for dead.
    They told me my birth mom was dead and always wanted an abortion anyway.

    Somehow I made it.
    I made it to raise 3 children…even got married a little while ago.

    Abusive parents are everywhere.
    They are put on a pedi stool because they adopt.

    When I was about 30yr I suddenly found my real mom.
    I found out she was looking for me my whole life.
    She knew I had kids.
    She knew I had kids????……how???

    My adoptive family told her I was happily living down the street and hated her for giving me up.

    My mom died looking at a picture if my two boys…she died thinking I hated her. She left me her wedding ring. She had no other children…

    She died six months before I found her.

    Adoptive parents are put upon pedi stools simply because they adopt.

    Please please take a second look when you see another child adopted.

    Abuse happens everywhere.

    I am not ok but I am finding my voice.

    My voice will set me free.

    My name is Sadie.

    Society defends abuse and abusers more than you know…

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 28th July

      hi Sadie
      Welcome to Emerging from Broken! You are not alone as an adopted child who was abused. There are many others here as well. You are certainly right about the fact that abuse happens everywhere AND that society defends abuse and abusers. I think you have found the right website!
      Thanks for sharing your story. I am so sorry that you didn’t find your birth mother before she died.
      hugs, Darlene

  17. By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 23rd July

    Hi Everyone!
    I just found out yesterday that the sign up for the free download “guide to getting unstuck” booklet has not been working properly for weeks now! It has been fixed, so if you didn’t get your copy, please get one. (See the form on the Upper Right Side bar here)

    This will also add you to the my email list and you will be notified when I have important news such as when the E-Book “The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing” will be available.. and it is in the process of being formatted and should be available by the end of next week!

    Hugs, Darlene

  18. By: marquis (female) Posted: 22nd July

    Alice,

    Agreed. I always wondered where it came from too…

  19. By: Alice Posted: 21st July

    Marquis, to me that sounds a bit like “Children should know their place” and I wonder where did this idea come from? Could one imagine a child as one’s equal (albeit a younger one that needs help, care and protection as they go about their growing?)

  20. By: marquis (female) Posted: 20th July

    Alice,

    My mom has some fucked up sayings that don’t make any sense! She told me children are just children and should stay that way, wow, some parent! My parents have the same mindset children should obey, sorry, are they pets?!? That’s how people seem to treat them! Children should listen to parents, yes, but to obey and do as I say, hell no! I believe a lot of children could do way more like you said if we weren’t told for generations to sit down and shut up somewhere.

    I haven’t watched Dr. Phil in a long time and notice any time a parent/child comes up, nothing about the kids’ feelings always gotta be the parents’ feelings. Some things he said made sense the rest I wanted to question because the suggestions/advice isn’t a “one-size fits all” as people like to sit there and believe and people think with my situation if it fit them then it will fit me – really?!?

  21. By: Alice Posted: 20th July

    Marquis, my mother had a saying about “Children and animals shouldn’t see something half-done”. And I have no idea what she meant but it sounded like she meant that kids and animals were similarly impaired when it came to understanding the ways of grown ups.

    My mother did not listen to me as far as anything important went. I think in her mindset, children were to obey and follow their parents’ wishes and smile while doing it thank you very much. To do otherwise was “talking back” and punishable. Even the not smiling part!

    The more this process continues to unfold for me, the more I think that kids should be way better considered for their abilities as well as their inabilities to understand things at the different stages of their development.

    If that seems like a huge indulgence (I caught myself thinking it right there) then perhaps one should rethink allowing themselves the actions that bring another person into the world in the first place.

    A person’s reaction to that idea of a child as “another person” will be illustrative of many things.

    I think that my mother saw explaining things to me as “justification” and from the arguments I had with her, she preferred a retreat into her authority as “mother” to providing a clear and honest explanation. I don’t think she felt I was worth one.

    I don’t watch those TV circuses like “Dr Phil” because for the most part they only serve to highlight the status quo when it comes to parent/child relationships. I don’t see any benefit.

    I enjoy reading RD Laing on the family. He gets much more into the actual experience of family life than anything that is portrayed or we expect it to be. My family ruined the word “mother” for me. They ruined the word “love” and they ruined the word “family”.

  22. By: marquis (female) Posted: 19th July

    Hi Alice,

    I agree about the parents should be engaged and active listening to their kids. I took a communication class back in college and my ex-instructor, who is a parent, said ‘ever heard of because I said so? What does that mean? Those who are parents, we use that on our children. We always wonder why kids’ challenge that meaningless statement, so therefore, we need to explain to children and to others why we say no and why the kids can’t do this or that.’ He also said how ‘because I said so’ is just an abuse of power which it is.

    Of course, my mom completely disagrees with “explaining anything to children.” She said children should understand simple as that, there’s no such thing as explaining anything to children. I saw a month ago a heated debate between Hannity and some female guest on his show about explaining stuff to children. Hannity said ‘I don’t have to explain shit to my parents and no means no!’ The guest said ‘I explain to my children why I can’t do xyz….’ She disagreed with Hannity on explaining things to children, I wonder if that’s a grey area parents struggle with?

    You always see on TV how kids don’t listen to the parents and vice versa, somebody should say ‘both sides aren’t listening to each other! It takes two people to listen to one another’ I remember a woman in the audience on a talk show I was watching long ago told a teen girl that ‘her parents didn’t HAVE to listen to her because they are the PARENTS,’ the teen said ‘then, I don’t have to listen either. I have feelings too you know? My parents need to listen too if they expect me to listen.’ You’d think the host would have something intelligent to say, nope, he sided with the parents! They tried to use a psychiatrist to help and it didn’t do much, the girl said she has every right to be heard as a human being and her being 16 has nothing to do with her.

    I agree with her you want kids to listen then the parents need to stfu and listen! She was full of anger and I understood all of these adults sitting there not giving a damn about her needs (sounds like the children are seen and not heard). The idiot psychiatrist didn’t help, funny, on these talk shows a lot of these therapists/psychiatrists don’t seem to help at all just make shit worse for the kids better for the parents!

    Anyway, the entire mental health system needs fixing – remember Obama talking about it and hasn’t said a word since! You got a system claiming they are helping people, in what way? By giving doping them up with pills and telling them to come back later? I told this to my ex-therapist saying ‘you are no different than a doctor!’ Ohh, she was hot when I said that! How are they helping people yet I hear people who have been to many different MHPs and a lot of them just abused them instead of helping them? Asked my ex-therapist that and never got an answer. A lady I saw on a blog similar to this one said she went through 10 different MHPs and said they were all terrible made her feel even worse and refused to go back and see them. She said how she was working her issues on her own and read other stories where people had tried suicide attempts or were still stuck in their situations.

  23. By: Alice Posted: 19th July

    Marquis, “Agreed! If they truly want to help people, they need it to see their clients’ perspectives from their own eyes not what their textbooks from college says or the entire systems tells me what to do! Listening to someone isn’t about how “the world thinks you should do/see it/things” it’s about being an active listener to the client.”

    I so agree with this. It’s also how parents should engage with their kids too. I’m hopeful that both of these things are being done by some very good therapists and some savvy parents.

    However, if the actual rôle of therapists is to get people to fit a bit less awkwardly into a sick system (I mean by that a system that produces so many negative effects on people, I don’t mean in some 1960’s barely understood “political” way) then we’re not going to get very far very fast.
    And of course I can hear the objections to this idea ringing in my ears. “But but what about social order? What about hierarchy? What about “discipline”?” And you know I think we probably just have to have faith at that point and understand that if what we’ve been doing so far has been making us sick and leading to too many undesireable consequences then we have to try something else.
    And stop with the outdated religion that says we are born bad and need to be bullied into goodness from the start.

  24. By: laura Posted: 19th July

    Hi Light#176,
    To those sadistic ill people who say that abuse made you a better person,i would make a passive-agressive remark:”I’m so sorry you didn’t get the chance to experience what i went through!You missed such an enlightement!Pain really elevates your spirit.Now i understand why i’m a better person than you.” That’ll teach them!!!!!

  25. By: marquis (female) Posted: 18th July

    Alice,

    I agree. I told my ex-therapist and others ‘so, this is positive? really? They said ‘at least you weren’t killed by your parents or put out in the streets,’ and ‘that’s suppose to make it all better and go away?’ Yea, they got irate when I said that lol. I don’t see anything positive about my situation didn’t know I am suppose to “enjoy it” like other people have told me in the past.

    I told my ex-therapist ‘wow, boost my confidence and kill it by telling me at least they didn’t throw you out. Interesting, that’s what you call “trying to build my self-esteem?’ Oh, she was mad! Always mad funny how she called me an angry person lol look who is calling the pot called the kettle black!

    “You know, my current conclusion is that therapists are a mostly a lame bunch of parasites making bank off the pain of their “patients’” inability to fit into a world in which abusive parenting is still to a large extent the norm. It’s like asking someone who is asleep to help you.”

    Agreed! If they truly want to help people, they need it to see their clients’ perspectives from their own eyes not what their textbooks from college says or the entire systems tells me what to do! Listening to someone isn’t about how “the world thinks you should do/see it/things” it’s about being an active listener to the client. My ex-therapist said ‘well, nobody really listens these days,’ and said to her ‘gee, I wonder why! You just proved my point!’

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