When Mothers Blame Others for their own Disgraceful Behavior

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Blog pic 1My Mother Blamed Me for her Disgraceful Behavior

I was lying in bed the other morning and this phrase “when mothers blame others” kept running through my mind as though some unknown source was whispering at me to write about it. I agreed that it would make a catchy title but I questioned why it was running through my head in the first place.

And then I laughed!

This idea is so prevalent that it’s a wonder it isn’t in my head all the time. Survivors of dysfunctional mother daughter relationships can’t escape the constant reminder that some mothers will blame anyone and everyone as long as they don’t have to look at their own actions. It is still frustrating to me that no matter what proof I had, no matter how many times I tried to explain the situation, no matter how much I defended myself, my mother blamed me OR she blamed something or someone else for HER decisions and behavior.

And although this problem is more widely discussed when it is the adult daughter who is targeted and blamed, this happens very often with adults sons as well. This isn’t exclusive to mothers who blame daughters, but very often fathers blame daughters and or sons as well. Sometimes ALL the children in the family are blamed and defined as “the problem” and sometimes only one or two of them are singled out and blamed and defined as “the problem” in the family.

Many adult children of Narcissistic mothers know this all too well and although my mother is not a true narcissist (because she has total control over her actions), she fits the narcissistic mother pattern of not taking responsibility for her own actions that have ultimately led to the failure of our relationship. Most importantly for the purpose of this article is the fact that the results have been the same with my mother and I as they are with others who do have more typically narcissistic mothers.

When children (of any age) are blamed and labeled as the problem, a burden or “less important’ than the parents, the damage to the self-esteem and overall emotional wellbeing of the child is substantial!

And the treatment and tactics used by the parents are so typical that it is almost as though there is secret manual that these mothers (parents) subscribe to. A manual endorsing that parents have the right to do this stuff and act this way with their children without any consequences to themselves! 

The children of these mothers, MEN and WOMAN who have been blamed as children for the ways in which we have been treated, are blamed as adults as well;

Our mother’s (and fathers) will defend themselves over and over again pointing fingers and spewing the venom that we have had to cope with for most of our lives that for some reason we are responsible for the way that they regard us.  And if ever you succeed in presenting so much truth that they can’t wiggle out of it, (which happens rarely) then suddenly the focus will switch and everyone else is responsible for the way that they treat us. Mothers will blame someone else but we are never allowed to place blame on anyone but ourselves. We are told to be accountable for the results in our lives without ever having been heard, helped or validated for the emotional difficulties that we have had and very often these emotional difficulties have been at the hands of our own parents.

I have been told of countless mothers who openly blame their children for ruining their lives just by being born. These children have been blamed for failed marriages and relationships between mothers and fathers, mothers and boyfriends, mothers and their sisters and mothers and their other children! These children have been blamed for headaches, bad moods, not enough money (because of YOU) and children who have been blamed for the emotional state of their mothers. And these children have grown up feeling guilty, feeling ashamed of themselves, feeling that they are not good enough, and not worthy of happiness ~ all because they have been blamed so much for the results in their mothers lives. They have been blamed so much and learned to try so hard that they don’t know the truth anymore. They have been steeped in lies; brainwashed to believe that the root of the problem is in them.

It’s like an epidemic in this world. ‘Mothers who Blame Others’ could be the name of a 12 step group ~ but sadly, not many mothers are interested in getting support for themselves AS a mother who blames her children ~ they are far more interested in garnering support from people who AGREE with them that their children are ungrateful, selfish etc. 

Looking at ourselves as the cause of the difficulties in our relationships with our mothers is the way we are groomed to stay in the ever dizzying constant spin designed to ensure that we NEVER look at them. Because after all, if we look at them, if we come out of that spin long enough to EVER see them and the way that THEY are, they know we might see the truth.

And the truth is that most of them know that they blame others and they know that they are mean and unfair, or they know that they are needy and that they are wrong but they can’t stand to see it, so they spend their time getting others to agree with them that someone else is the problem. They know, and the proof of that is in their actions; it is in the way we are raised not to tell, in the way that they act differently in front of different people and in the way that they lie when they are afraid to get caught.

If they didn’t KNOW, they wouldn’t act differently in front of certain people, they would not teach children to cover up for them and they certainly wouldn’t have to lie. 

Deep down they know that they are pathetic. But as long as YOU don’t notice that, they feel safe. The more people that they can get to go against their target, (which in this case is you) the more they feel worth; it’s not REAL worth and it doesn’t actually make them feel better for long because it isn’t actually proof that they have worth. Deep down they KNOW that they are pathetic, but when mothers blame others, they can get their little fix with the drug of self-worth. If they can make you take the blame, then they believe that the blame belongs to you, or to the person they are blaming thus absolving them from having to carry it.

This is the cycle of abuse. Perhaps mothers who blame others have never been validated as having had worth. I more than suspect that their own mothers made them prove their worth and usually they were raised in the same dysfunctional family pecking order system BUT that doesn’t change or excuse the damage caused to the children born and raised by these mothers with low self-esteem and damaged self-worth, who blame their own children for the failure of the mother daughter or mother /son relationship.  I had to do the work to restore my self-esteem so that I could break this cycle of abuse in my own family. I did not require my children to prove my worth using these sick methods and my mother had the same choices I did.

Although there might be a personality disorder or psychosis behind the reason that causes mothers to blame others and to act in such mean and unloving ways, knowing that is only information. It may help us understand the why, and it may be comforting but it doesn’t help with the healing process. And there is never any excuse to have to put up with abuse. If a violent person has a true mental disorder or chemical imbalance, that person is not permitted to run around in society. The laws still apply to genuinely sick people.

These mothers might be seriously emotionally damaged themselves; most of them come from the same cycle of abuse that they inflicted on us, but that knowledge doesn’t stop the cycle of abuse. The cycle of abuse will only stop when we stand up to it. I feel sad for my mother because I know she learned this dysfunctional behavior and I know that she lives in a system where parents are ‘entitled’ to dish out whatever they wish to their kids but I had to draw a line and say enough is enough. Feeling sad for her was killing me. Always trying to make her feel better taught my kids to put up with mistreatment because they saw the way I put up with her treatment. And it also sent a strong message to my children about how I was willing to be treated!

When I dared to voice an objection, my mother would blame the fact that she was a single mother. (my parents separated just before I turned 13.) She justified her choices when it came to me with the fact that she didn’t ‘want’ to be a single mother and that she never expected to be a single mother and by the way, about that, as with everything else there is a truth leak there too; she had an affair after I was born ~ what did she think was going to happen? Whose fault was it that she became a single mother? Why did she constantly SAY things like that as though the fact that she was a single mother justified her actions and treatment of her children. 

So in order to take my life back, I embraced the truth; my mother blamed me instead of looking at HER own dysfunctional upbringing and working through it. My mother blamed me instead of looking at her own actions against me. My mother expected ME to save her, instead of making the decision to save herself.

Please share your thoughts.

Exposing Truth; one snapshot at a time

Darlene Ouimet

The Emerging from Broken bookThe Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing” is ready for download! If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, get this book today! This 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to healing.  Get yours here through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

 See coloured links in bold print for related articles.

Other Related Articles ~ “Is there such a thing as Justifiable Anger for Victims of Child Abuse?”  

 

714 response to "When Mothers Blame Others for their own Disgraceful Behavior"

  1. By: Hayley Posted: 11th March

    Just to let you know I am a daughter from a mother who has NPD. The amount of abuse and damage this lady has done to me for all me life is disgusting. How can a mother treat their daughter like this, degrading, picking on them, what to do, what to say, what to where. The negative attitude and over friendly happy personality they show to the public leaves many people not realising what sort of person is beneath the mask. t

    Still to this day my mum takes no blame for her mistakes and horrible remarks and abuse. It is always someones elses fault. Never is she at fault. No reasoning can be done to make them see that they are the problem noone else. Making me feel bad for everything I do. Watching my every move them telling me off as it is not correctly done.

    OMG So frustrating that many daughters are treated like this from when they are born. My mum knows what she does. Yet she still continues to treat and talk to me like shit. The trouble is these people are so damn good at manipulating and denying and twisting your words to cause drama and arguments constantly, this only makes you look like the crazy one when you are going off at her.

    Only until the other year did I realise or come to terms with this abuse, is because someone else brought to my attention that this is not how a daugher is treated from her mum. Over a life time of this you begin to think that this is normal for me.

    I do not hate my mum. But I do not want nothing to do with her. Dad wants to leave her finally after 40+ years of marriage. Howvever mum is making life hell for my poor dad who is feeling bad because mum is depressed and suicidal and not coping because now its coming to a end.

    36 years of age, wish I realised sooner that this is not love this is not how mums and daughter relationships are. Your mum is supposed to love, care, support you. Instead she blames you for everything . Everything you do is wrong and you are worthless,dumb and fat she tells you daily.

    Then you become the broken one. Who has to try and realise what my mum is. How she will never change. Accept her for who she is. But walk out and not talk to her again is the best thing to do for recovery and healing.

  2. By: Cici Posted: 26th February

    I’ve always felt like my mother hates me or is secretly jealous of me. She constantly blames me (and my older sister now that we’re adults as well) for all her problems in life, even her addiction to alcohol and pain pills. She’s called me crazy, delusional, said I should be committed and told me to kill myself and that she wishes she never had me multiple times. She has always sided with my younger siblings over me, even when they hurt me and I did nothing wrong. She tries to pit others like my father against me and accuses him of being weak when he won’t attack me as well.
    I’ve struggled with weight issues most of my life since I have a medical issue that makes me never feel full and, instead of being happy for me for maintaining a healthy weight for so long, she calls me anorexic and tries to get me to eat junk food because I’m too skinny to her, even though she was much thinner most of her life.
    Her mother was a cold unloving person so it’s no surprise the way she is. But, she recognizes that and makes no effort to change. She has her nice moments where she will praise me and act like I’m so wonderful, so I’ll feel guilty for hating her, but, soon enough she goes backs to treating me like trash. I know I should cut her out of my life but, I just don’t understand why she’s always treated me differently. What did I do to be the scapegoat? My older sister also was not treated poorly by her until adulthood, it was just me throughout my childhood.

  3. By: F Posted: 18th February

    I’m not sure how I should even feel, I mean I feel bad even for my mom’s blames. Like I want to protect her but I also want to stand up for my own. She blames me constantly for the things happening to her and the our family, even though things just turn out that way. I cant help getting angry for this. and I would fight back and say the same hurtful things, but in the end I have this guilt that if I forgive her she would do it all over again. And my dad is worst, he has the worst tendency of rude side comments. I know he tries to show much of his ”love care” but it turns the opposite. By screaming, cursing my mom in public for almost hurting her to get his way. and then blame me for being born and making his life a miserable hell., My parents are both religious people, and I try not to be part of it. I dont know I want to protect and respect them, but lately now I feel like I’m suffocating under their mind control and self blame. towards me. I felt almost depressed. I wanted to have better future but they would shut it down by saying stay put and dont do this or that. I know they try to let me go but they try these mind control things, I just dont know what to say anymore. Sometimes I just wanted to die, so maybe they wont have to suffer so much for me being born.

  4. By: Marion Posted: 7th February

    Hello,
    “Feeling sad for her was killing me”…. I stood up to my mother last year; the result is her not talking to me anymore, blaming me for everything, etc. Feeling sorry for her is still a part of me today after 6 months, but at least today I know that I have done the right thing by myself and my children. I am in the process of liberating myself from her so I can finally start healing.
    I have sent a letter to her explaining how I feel because on the phone I never got a word in, or she constantly justified herself. I told her that I loved her very much and I truly wanted her to be a part of my life. On the other hand, I also let her know that I will not answer the phone anymore, because I am tired of her verbal abuse. If she wanted to be a part of my life, than she could start by sending me a letter (she doesn’t email) exlaining how she feels and what she is prepared to do to mend our broken relationship. We could go from there…
    One might think living 12,000,000km apart would make it any easier… the truth is far from that. I have decided that this year I will travel to Europe (I live in Australia) and will not even go close to where my Mum lives. I will visit France and Spain and England, I will finally have a holdiay without soul destroying arguments with my mother. I have to do this because it marks my liberation from my self-imposed obligation to make my mother happy! Everytime I visited Europe, it was because of her, and I tried to fit in my friends wherever I could. I didn’t mind that, but often I felt guilty seeing a friend because she complained I didn’t make enough time for her.
    I don’t know whether this helps anybody, but maybe also you could make a point by getting on with your life, doing things you like doing, and stop worrying about yur mum – or the effect she has on you.
    There is no easy way to deal with that, or a general prescription. All I can think of is… living a happy life, the way I feel like, with people who like me for who I am and have only their best interest in their heart for me.
    Thank you Darlene for this inspiring post. Your story has kept me sane and given me confidence knowing I am not the only one who is dealing with such strange phenomena.
    Marion

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 8th February

      Hi Marion
      Yay for a holiday that doesn’t include ‘soul destroying’. Thanks for sharing!
      hugs, Darlene

  5. By: T Posted: 25th October

    I love this article as it could’ve been written by me. But one thing i have found lacking in the article is advice on how to handle this type of mother. So she is narcissistic and treats you badly then blames you if you dare say she has done anything wrong so she talks badly about you to your entire family for years to paint you as some ungrateful pos child and they took her word as gospel. What do you do then? This has happened all my life and i cannot possibly undo all the damage done now people view me as i was paint and the treatment has NOT stopped.
    And i am tired of taking her verbal and mental abuse.
    Today she argued with me via text like one of my friends would have in high school.
    Egging me on and twisting me words around and when i would defend myself she then would make it out like i was saying I am the only person that matters and relentlessly said nasty things to me.
    At the end of it it reminded me of how girls treated me in high school like bullying.
    She has always treated me this way since i was little and i accept that i was not lucky enough to have a loving caring mother she is a nasty immature and self absorbed self involved selfish mother and she truly does not care about how she treats me. But what do i do to combat this to stop allowing it to happen?
    I would love to see you write more advice based articles.
    Thank you so much for talking about this subject which has plagued my life since birth and i always felt alone and now i see that i am not and that in itself makes me feel better!

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 27th October

      Hi T.
      Welcome to Emerging from Broken. There are 450 articles on this site all with discussions and my e-book as well if you would like more information. I don’t write ‘advised based articles’ ~ I prefer to offer insight. What I found is that I had been told all my life what to do and at the age of 44 years old I realized that I had never been empowered to think for myself so when I started this website I decided to write in a way that would expose the truth via my telling how I came out of the fog and into understanding; I tell my story and I have written comprehensively about all the ways that I overcame this dysfunction.
      I am glad you found us!!
      Hugs, Darlene

  6. By: indiglo Posted: 18th September

    I know all to well how a mother can blame a child for what they could never be to blame for. My father abused me and my mother used it against me all my life in one way or another to make me feel as if I allowed him to do it. She turned both my brothers and my little sister against me even though they knew that she was doing it. I was always there for my younger brother and sister as if I was their mother. But, when I needed their help it was as if I was asking them to cut their arm off!! Now my father is setting things up to move back into the area after being gone for 40 yrs. and he acts like he’s just fine and I’m the one who did something wrong. I’m now disabled with fibromyalgia, in pain all the time, living with my exes father trying to find an apartment and my younger sister and brother are both married with children (female) allowing my father around yet no one even calls to see how I’m doing. Sorry, everybody. I’m pretty low right now. Ironic as it may seem the only person who actually helps in anyway is my mom. She gives me rides when she can to the apartments when I think there might be one I might get into. I really didn’t know how much it would hurt to be ignored by my father AND my siblings when he came to town. (tears in eyes now in fact)

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 21st September

      Hi Indiglo
      I am sorry that you are going through this (horror) and you are certainly not alone.
      Thank you for sharing, glad you are here!
      hugs, Darlene

  7. By: Jules Posted: 1st March

    I can’t believe I just discovered your site only just recently. I’m so glad that I did. Growing up in a dysfunctional family, like so many of us here, and as you’ve shared your story, hits so close to home. Especially this post. My mother was absolutely the “entitled” mother, really mom and dad were the “entitled” parental unit where their needs came first, and, oh by the way, there were two kids around. Dad was the angry man who drank too much, and who would fly off the handle in a rage at any moment. Mom was the passive, and sometimes aggressive, codependent. We as kids were often told “do as I say,” “children are to be seen and not heard,” “what the hell is the matter with you,” and the classic, “that’s just too God damn bad!” Feelings? What are those? Stuff ’em. “Do it for me” mom would say, just to keep the peace. It’s strange now as I’m in my 50’s that after decades of better relationships, (and dad stopped drinking in 1979), that now that my folks are getting on in years and are having troubles (dad dementia) and need more care (by me since my brother died in 1981), that those “old behaviors” are coming back to the surface. Things literally erupted when mom and dad had a fire at their house which brought to the forefront the fact that living in their house is really becoming a challenge for them and despite my desire to want to talk about it with them, they don’t want to. Mom? A stonewaller. “I don”t want to talk about it, another day.”

    Now I see so clearly that all this time, through all these decades, that mom was never really able to feel her own feelings, so she certainly can’t feel mine. Instead, she just projects what she feels is happening to her on to me and makes it my fault. But does she tell me directly? Oh, no way! She talks in code sharing stories about other people and their relationships, which look exactly like ours, to get her point across. “Well so and so and blah blah blah…..” and you get my drift. And when I assert my own needs, and feelings, I’m met with “I can’t take it any more,” “Kids nowadays blame their parents for everything, they should just be grateful,” “you should be grateful you still have a mother,” ” I’m feeling too excited, I am not going to talk about it,” and most recently, when I shared how her behaviors made me feel, a cold and icy “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

    Blameshift, projection, denial, inability to feel, whatever you call it, it was way back when my fault, and is still my fault. I’m tired of stuffing my feelings, and over the past four months since the fire I’ve been expressing them. 80+ year old parents don’t like it one bit. But as I read somewhere else on the internet, boundaries are good for people, they teach people what their forebears never taught them, the need to respect somebody’s “no.”

    Now that the assertiveness door has opened for me, and I have decided to take responsibility for myself, my own feelings, and my actions and behaviors, without needing mom or dad to agree with me, or behave a certain way for me to be happy, I find myself saying things like “I don’t need you to agree with me, this is simply how I feel about it.” “I want to continue to help you, and in order to do that I need us to come up with a mutual plan we discuss….and if you don’t want that, I’d be happy to respect your choice to have someone else in the family look after your needs and wishes.” “I’m taking responsibility for myself, and it’s with full acceptance I let you take responsibility for yourself and your feelings…if there is something we need to discuss I’m willing to listen and share.”

    After 50+ years of being a doormat, I can’t believe these words are coming out of my mouth. And my mother especially can’t believe it either. I can tell just by looking at her she’s pissed, and missing her “entitled, ‘do it for me’ responses,” but at some point I had to wake up and see how I was contributing here, and that’s what I’ve done.

    It is with utmost compassion that I have for her especially that she and her sister were abandoned by their father when their mother died (mom was around 11 or so) and that they had to go and live with their grandparents who already had 10 children. They had to none, and more than likely had to stuff their feelings too. But, even my mother had choices to learn and grow, just like I do now, and she chose not to. Maybe she can’t, or won’t, or doesn’t know how. Who knows. All I know is that her submission to my father, and expecting me to do it too, after all these years of having no voice myself, took an unbelievable toll on me. Especially when it comes to never having a voice in the family, and feeling completely and utterly unheard for decades.

    My brother died in 1981. My mom and dad disposed of all his belongings but did they ask me if I wanted to keep anything? No. We had a neighbor cat that I so dearly loved. An alley cat that was so friendly. They sent it away one day with a cousin because they didn’t like it in the backyard. Discuss college? Nope. “You’re on your own, whatever you decide to do you can pay for it, we’re not.” No planning, nothing. Moved to California when I was early in my career. Everyone else out there had back east relatives coming to visit. Did my parents? No. It’s not something we really want to do. We won’t be visiting. Come for dinner (I’m a gourmet cook) and what do they say? “Boy this was a nice dinner, but it would really be good if….” Try to talk to my parents when I was scared and afraid as a little girl? Nope. Go back to bed. In fact, I remember I fell out of bed once and hit my head on the hardwood floors, and I heard my mother’s voice from their bedroom say “go back to bed.” That’s it. I also used to hide in the closet and under my bed to avoid the wrath of dad, you never knew what kind of mood he’d be in. Oh, and here’s a good one. He’d come and get me about 7 o’clock at night and tell me let’s jump in the car and where would we go? Off to the liquor store to buy another fifth of booze and back. And he’d already had several shots of whiskey and a couple of beers. And yet, he’d drag me along, and hold my hand as we went in the store and walked out with the brown paper bag.

    Talk about feeling alone and lonely. It was like I grew up in a home with concierge services for children, but no emotional support at all. Three meals a day, a roof over your head, a pool, some toys. But hugs? No. Support? No. Wipe my tears? No. Acknowledge my feelings? No. Let’s just turn that around and blame me for having made THEM feel bad. And “wait till your father comes home…..” My mother to this day doesn’t know I had to explain a bruise to my 5th grade teach once that I got from my dad beating me with his belt and his hands. And I once went to bed at night with my dad’s hand print on my right hip. Turned into a bruise the same shape. Did I mention I was a little girl then, and my dad was a hulking 6′ 5″ 245 pounds.

    Oh, and I don’t even remember my mom or dad telling me their loved me when I was little; it wasn’t until the last few years I told them I needed to hear it that they now say it. And I know they mean it. But still I just don’t know how to “feel” it.

    The holes in my heart are so deep, and I’ve begun healing them with therapy about 5 years ago or so, and I’m making progress. Obviously, this post really struck a nerve with me and I just felt that this could have been my story.

    The saddest part of all is that I really did feel like everything was my fault, that I was bad, there was something wrong with me (heard it all the time), and that if it was just beat out of me maybe one day I’d be ok. These days, my dad and I have actually repaired so much of our relationship. I admire him for having the courage to face his demons and make changes because he wanted to do it for himself, and we all benefited. My mom? Well, that’s another story.

    I told my mother when I was about 10 years old I was never going to marry and have children like she did. Don’t ask me why, but somehow I just knew that would never be in the cards for me. Fear? Shame? Unloveable? Yes, and yes, and yes. Faulty programming for decade upon decade, reinforced at every turn. During a heated discussion at mom and dad’s house recently, when my mom was unhappy I wouldn’t “comply” with one of her emotive requests to just do it for her, I finally let my mother know the reason why I never married, and never had kids, and why she wasn’t a grandmother. Now that I’m in my mid 50’s it’s simply too late for all of that. And yet, I let her know it was never too late for me to finally take responsibility for my own happiness, despite the dysfunction, and that’s exactly what I was doing now. And things would be different. And that she didn’t have to agree with me, or like what I did, or event “get” me. I told her “I get me, and that’s enough.”

  8. By: Troy Posted: 22nd January

    I feel like I’m stuck in hell with two insane psychopaths as parents and trapped to repeat the same abusive nightmare everyday. Sometimes I think about ending my life just to escape this cycle of abuse. I spent my childhood daydreaming about the day I would become old enough to escape from their clutches, but just as that day neared I suffered an accident which left me disabled. And with that unfortunate event my fate became sealed and I was now left at the mercy of these two lunatics to endure my life long sentence of daily torment. They chip away at my emotions as if to try and break me and transform me into an unstable dysfunctional creature like themselves. I however continued to resist as I had already made a vow during my childhood that I would no longer play along with all the lies and feed the delusions he often fabricated as an excuse to blame, accuse and beat me. He even seems to take pleasure out of hurting me and somedays he seemed to do it out of boredom.

    As I write this I feel sick at having to use the term refering to him as “dad” , as that evil malicious creature has been anything but a father…

    The vile creature that’s supposed to be my dad is a patholigical compolsive lying, violent, narcissistic, two faced hypocritical sociopath that suffers from bi-polar. Just as second-hand passive smoke involuntarily affects bystanders, we all developed second-hand bipolar as a result of my dads mood swing which would shift and set the mood for the entire household.

    If I woke up in a cheerful mood and my dad was having a bad day or an episode we were all expected to take on a serious expression or else he would become paranoid and escalate to having psychotic outbursts. And after having shifted us into a bad mood he would then suddenly become hyper and cheerful and then complain that we werent smiling along with him. It was disturbing and exhausting mirroring his rapid fluctuations not to mention how forced and fake it felt. If I ever mentioned any of his negative behaviours or pointed out he had falsely accused me he would go into a rage. We were never allowed to use the word “lie” to express that he had lied. He had no shame blatantly spewing his pathological lies directly to our face even when we all knew the lies were bizarely obvious, but as long as we never speak of it and pretended he is always right we got off lightly. But when we fail to appease him or conform to all his wishes within his personal set timeframe he physically assaulted me, threatened, punished and destroyed my property. On countless occasions he abuses me even without proper cause or for the most absurd reason such as my dog peeing in the backyard lawn or for failing to hear his call from the other side of the house while Im in my bedroom with the door closed and watching tv, or for asking a question he doesent like, or for responding to him in a voice that he finds to be too loud…

    Once I became an adult and outgrew his physical beatings he resorted to other forms of abuse such as continuing to kick and break my personal items, banning me from using his car and the house phone, washing machine and constantly reminding me that it was all his property and I have nothing significant of my own. On a number of ocassions he tried to evict me out of the house during the most inappropriate hours of the night and continues to threaten to leave me homeless. When I decided that I would be much better off moving out and facing the challanges of living with a disability all by myself, I began to make preparations and bought new furniture for the move. But the next morning he smashed all my furniture and threw it in the bin and then told me he did it to get the me the hell out of his house quicker as I had taken too long. Since then he continues to threaten me with damaging the remainder of my belongings. And during our last altercation I caught him once again throwing my items into the bin and as I tried to stop him he pushed me and caused me to twist my ankle.

    Following the recent escalation I had a nervous breakdown last week. My emotions are frayed and I find myself crying at the most inaproriate times like when I was at the doctors clinic. I have become a complete mess while that evil man remains unphased and continues with his regular inspection and patrol of my movement in the house monitoring my every step waiting for an opportunity to attack me. Everything I do is a potential excuse and target for him, he follows behind me around the house looking to see if my sandals have left any footprints on his floorboards, when i open the fridge he times me and attacks me if I dont close the fridge door quickly enough while trying to get food or drinks, he constantly checks to see whether he can find little droplets of water that may have splashed on the bathroom mirror while I was washing my face or hands, After I shower he turns the lights on and inspects my pathway to look for any drops of water that might have dripped on the floor as I was walking to my bedroom. There are so many more, some which are too horrible to mention. And my mums position in all of this has been most disgusting, fuelled by her own fear of this vile man she has become submissive to him and chosen to become traitourous of her role as a mother and parent to us. For the sake of her own immunity from his wrath she plays various roles by excusing his behaviour, defending him, tolerating, supporting his abuse or turning a blind eye, deluding herself that the abuse never happened and even forcing herself to forget the incidence by completely erasing all trace of it from her memory. Which seems to be one of the vile mans favourite choice. But the one I hate most is when my mum bears false witness to whatever lies that demonic creature can think of. And thats when you feel a complete sense of injustice, betrayal and isolation as you face blame for an event that was either their own behaviour or entirely fabricated. I cant imagine that a worst enemy would be treat me more badly than my own parents.

    • By: Warrior4life Posted: 8th September

      My goodness. It sounds like we have the same parents.. except mine are 66 and 69!

  9. By: Jessica Posted: 13th January

    Hi Kris,

    Yes it does help. I don’t miss her however I feel that I am suffering PTSD of some sort. When I turn the corner on the street to my home I find myself looking to see if her car is there. When I get up in the morning I always look to the door of her bedroom to see if she is in there. She always kept her door shut…we specifically leave it open now to remind us she is gone.

    I am still feeling hate at certain times. I am still angry and I don’t want to live with that. I am not a hateful person and I don’t want anger in my daily life. Then I start feeling guilty sometimes for hating her and being angry. It’s like a vicious cycle. I know it will get better with time and work. Having someone truly understand where you come from is such a relief. If I talk about my situation with a friend who has good or great parents they can hardly believe what I am saying. They don’t accuse me of exaggerating or being dishonest but they are stunned.

    And you are right about something. She did this. Not me. I am the youngest of 4 children and always had been the “closest” to her, or so I thought. My oldest brother is the golden boy and he is the one who molested me when I was a kid. I finally told her about it when I was about 21 and she didn’t believe me of course. He could do no wrong. But is he the one who took care of her when she was diagnosed with congestive heart failure and renal failure?? No. As a matter of fact we had a meeting, my husband laughingly refers to it as the “summit” when 3 of the 4 siblings were at our home with their significant others as well as my adult son (her once upon a time favorite grandson) and when my husband said we would take her in my brother just lit up and said thank you, thank you. He lives about 1500 miles away from us and it is just a joke. My sister, who I haven’t spoken to since June of 2013, lived about 5 miles away from our home, actually MAILED Christmas gifts, Mothers Day and Birthday gifts to my Mother rather then bringing them herself. She just couldn’t stand being in our home. She and I have always had issues from the very beginning. Gee, I wonder why? We found out in August of last year that she actually moved. Our Mother is 87, dying a slow death and her other daughter moves from about 5 miles away to over 100 miles away. I guess my sisters promise to help us with my mothers care didn’t really mean anything to her. My other brother is as sick if not sicker then the other 2. He is a drug addict in Florida and has been in and out of serious trouble his entire life. My Mother can’t even talk to him on the phone. She just avoids answering the phone 99% of the time. So here I was. The only one left. The only one willing to take her in in her time of need. Boy have I learned my lesson.

    I always respected my Mother. Yes, I was her servant in more ways then I can count. All starting from about the age of 12 when she and my father got divorced. I finally understand the true reason of why he left her. And all this time she implied it was because he didn’t want a family, can’t stand children, moved half way across country “the day after she brought me home from the hospital”. Well damn it, why have 4 kids if you don’t want them? Why subject them to your sick actions? She should have stopped with one, her golden boy. Then maybe she would have saved us all the pain she has created. Can you tell I am still angry? ARGH! Anyway, it feels good to vent. I know this will not beat me. I have overcome abandonment by my father (and the entire rest of my FOO), sexual abuse by my brother, physical, verbal and mental abuse by my first husband and I will be damned if I let someone like her bring me down. This too will be overcome.

    Thanks for reading and for sharing your story. This really does feel like a home. It feels like something I have longed for. Someone who understands it better than I do myself and can help me learn to see through the fog.

    Thanks for listening.
    Jessica

  10. By: Kris Posted: 12th January

    Hi Jessica,

    You talked about how your mother pinned you against your siblings and your father. There was that sick dynamic in our house too and I think one of the reasons why my mother did this to us was so she could feel safe. That way she knew that we would all come to her with whatever was going on in our lives which made her feel needed and secure. My mother used me to validate her very existence and in the process she destroyed what should have been a close relationship between my brother and me. She used my brother as her surrogate husband due to my father being an alcoholic and she used me as her scape goat when she didn’t get the validation that she thought she deserved from him because in essence he was the exact same way as my father without the booze!! My brother is 51 years old and still lives in that home. There is that sick enmeshment that develops in this kind of toxic environment where you believe that you can’t survive unless you are attached at the hip with them!!! I remember when I separated my self from my FOO how difficult it was. I had so much fear and anxiety. I had to get Ativan to help with all of my panic attacks. I thought I was loosing my mind. There is a real withdrawal overcoming this sick enmeshment but a necessary step if you want to be free.

    Your mother demonstrated all the sick qualities of someone who is abusive. She expected you to be loyal to her but she never had to do the same thing for you and that is exactly what my mother was pulling on me when she would tell the whole wide world that I was going through some “change of life” as the reason why I don’t see her anymore when she knows just exactly what’s going on here because I out and out told her. She never has my best interest at heart. She operates out of her own fears and insecurities that never have any consideration for me and my feelings. You extracting that toxicity out of your home was the best thing you could have done. You just saved your own children a world full of more pain having to witness her treating their own mother like crap. You don’t deserve that. None of us do. Keep working on your self. All the answers are inside of ourselves and do whatever you have to do to become free. You are on the right path and after time you will see just how less chaotic your life really is now that you got that toxic element out of your house and soon you will be saying why didn’t I do it sooner!!! lol

    I don’t know if this will help you or not but I don’t miss my mother anymore. I don’t hate her. I am not angry at her and I have forgiven her for what she has done to me which was a process in and of itself and one that I will have to continue to work through as more things come to surface. She made things this way by not owning her own junk. By not facing the truth. By not being there for me in any sense of the word. By not being willing to show me the respect that I deserve. She did this. Not me and now I know this in my heart. Once I found my own self worth she didn’t look so good to me anymore because then I saw the real truth about who she was and how she treated me all of these years and I didn’t like what I saw one bit and I still don’t.

    Hugs & Peace,
    Kris

  11. By: Jessica Posted: 12th January

    Thank you Darlene, I appreciate your well wishes and the work you are doing. I certainly will keep reading. And actually I am meeting a friend for coffee who has a very difficult relationship with her mother (and sometimes her father) and I am going to tell her about your website.

    I really feel that telling my mother that she was no longer welcome in our home was a kind of tough love for myself. 52 years old and I have never really liked myself. I have felt a lot of guilt and shame for no particular reason. With counseling I have started to realize that it is important to love yourself so that you can love others. I have a terrific husband of 20 years and 3 tremendous children. It is because of them that I am alive.

    I have already started thinking about the things my mother told us growing up (truth and/or lies) and I am going to start replacing them ASAP. She has always pitted us 4 kids against each other and against my father and the end result is none of us speak to any other of us. Why would a mother do that to her family? I just don’t understand. Is she that sick? She has 4 offspring and she is going to die alone. It is very sad. I just don’t understand.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 14th January

      Hi Jessica
      I don’t understand it either; I think it is because they would rather be ‘right’ than have to admit that they are wrong. My mother would have to be accountable for some big damage and apparently doesn’t want to face it. That is her decision and that is about her, not about me. I made new choices for me and I found freedom as a result of those choices. 🙂
      hugs, Darlene

  12. By: Jessica Arango Posted: 11th January

    I am so thankful Christmas is over, it really is a troubling time. I feel like I am just starting on my journey, I just found this site today. I have read your conversation Joanne and Kris and I am already thankful for hearing your stories. I am 52, my mother is 87. She has lived in our home for the past 3 years and my husband and I couldn’t take it any more. She tried every way possible to come between us, ruin our happiness, degrade me by “Mom to the rescue” several times as well as telling me I would still be in the gutter if it weren’t for her. All the while my 3 siblings have virtually nothing to do with her but the occasional monthly phone call.

    December 20th she moved out. I really should say we told her to find another place to live after overhearing a conversation she was having with my older brother who sexually molested me until I was age 9. She had the nerve to bad mouth me, my husband and my children to my abuser and after 3 years of caring for her in my home.

    I have been in and out of counseling for years and years. Antidepressants are a must in my life for the last 9 years. I tried to get off them about two years ago and found myself in such a dark place I decided to go back on them. We are definitely at the NC point in our relationship, I have not spoken to her or heard from her since she left. Evidently my children are guilty by association also because she has completely written them off also.

    Please wish me luck on this journey. I have overcome so much in my life and am determined not to let this bring me to an end.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 12th January

      Hi Jessica
      Welcome to EFB ~ Good for you for standing up to abuse and doing what is love for you and your whole family. I wish you all the best going forward and I hope you keep reading! There is so much here in the articles about navigating through all of this!
      hugs, Darlene

  13. By: Kris Posted: 24th December

    Joanne,

    My mother pulling this one on me is just the push that I needed to let her know that I am done with this now. I left things in limbo for the last 3 years because at the time that is what I could handle. I wasn’t at a place in my recovery where I could handle her totally rejecting me but now I am. Now I am sending her an email telling her that either she chooses to get help so we do have the possibility of developing a mutually respectful mother daughter relationship because that is the only way that I know for this to be able to happen or she chooses to not see me at all. The choice is up to her but I am done with all of this sick crap because now I know that I don’t need her anymore in order for me to survive. I no longer carry around all that guilt and shame that she taught me to feel whenever I didn’t do what she wanted me to do and now I am at a place where I can stand up on my own two feet. I feel relieved is the truth. No more just sitting in limbo after 3 years of doing it. WOW!!!

    Thanks for your support. I was hoping that you would respond because the whole thing really did shock me when it first happened but now I am more then alright. It just didn’t hurt me that badly compared to all the other betrayals she did to me. Sad but true!!!

    Merry Christmas to you!!

    Kris

  14. By: Joanne Posted: 24th December

    Hi Kris, What your mother did sending the gift back is blatently hurtful. Strange how so much thought goes on about being careful with their tender feelings, whereas from their side it is “fair” to attack us with whatever amunition they can get hold of as if we are made of stone. I am so open about myself with my mother, while she hardly says a thing about her inner life, keeping her cards close to her chest, that she always has amunition ready to throw at me if I ever complain, such as pointing out what I told her an ex-boyfriend said about me one time and saying she now sees that it’s true, or making comments that between the lines say “You’re life is a ruin anyway and I’m only doing this because you need me”. If I hadn’t seen her for 3 years, then she’d have so little amunition that she’d use whatever gift I got her to say there was a problem too. If your mum is like mine, you will be waiting a bit too long for that apology.

    It has all come together for me today – having no other close relationships I am her prime target – the only “mirror” she has to reflect back love, appreciation and need and to accept the burning hot-coal blame she has for not being happy with anything. Horrible as that is, it makes sense. I posted her presents – it is what she asked for so she can’t complain about that.

    A very happy Christmas to all.

  15. By: Kris Posted: 23rd December

    Joanne,

    Everything you wrote resonated with me. I believe it is our inner child as well begging us not to subject them to anymore of this toxicity. I mailed my mother our Christmas gift which was a gift card to a restaurant that they like just like I said I would do in my email and today I got it back in the mail in a Christmas card from her saying to me: “We want you to enjoy this gift as it brings us very little joy” and then people wonder why we struggle through the holidays!!! Lol A part of me was mad, another part of me said “we will eat good that night” and another part of me said this has got to be the beginning of the end of all of this madness because I am not going to put my self through one more Christmas like this one because this is year #3 of this bullcrap.

    I told my self she is not going to ruin me going to church on Christmas Eve. She’s not going to ruin me spending the day with Jesus on Christmas day and she isn’t going to ruin me going out and having fun with my friends. Now I am done with this madness. She waited until the very last minute to send me this thing back knowing full well what she was doing making me wait and wonder by never responding to my email like an adult would. If she wasn’t happy about what I had to say instead of sending me those stupid little emails filled with innuendos about how I am being a bad daughter… just like you get!! …knowing full well that she was planning to pull this crap as a way to teach me a lesson about “how you don’t go against what momma wants to do!!” then that is on her and she can spend whatever Christmases that she has left all alone with my wonderful father and 51 year old brother who still lives off of them!! lol I just have to laugh to my self because it is all so sick.

    What she doesn’t realize is this is the final push that I was looking for to end this whole darn thing. I thought to my self I don’t miss her. I am no longer angry at her and there isn’t anything that she could give me that I would want other then a big fat apology for the pain that she caused me and I know that that day will never come and now I am ok with that too!!!

    Now she can sit and wait and wonder what I am going to do next just like she did to me because I don’t intend to do one more thing when it comes down to her anymore. Thank you Jesus!!! It really is a Merry Christmas. I just feel relieved. No more of this bullcrap. It has to be me ending it. There is no other way out of this. Believe me I looked!!!!

  16. By: Joanne Posted: 23rd December

    Hi Kris,

    Your mother sounds just like mine – that attitude of “come on now, can’t you try to be reasonable like everyone else” as if they are a perfect, patient and long-suffering mother talking down to a difficult child. By the way, days ago when I read your post about your mother’s email saying the most important thing you can do “while you are still alive” is give your time to your family, it sounded like my mother too, with guilt-inducing tones I read of “I won’t be here for ever ” in there; also a suggestion that you aren’t of value (all you should be doing is giving to me) – the “to your family” bit sounded to me like it meant “to me”.

    I got a phone message from my mother last night. I didn’t want to listen to it. So this time, I got a notepad and pen, and put the message on while writing down the exact points that hit me and what she actually meant by them, rather than just listening to the words (with the guilt-inducing tones and deeper meaning just going into my subconscious). This was so useful as it was like dissecting the message and it was clear what she was saying – “come to me. Bring my granddaughter before me. Sit and look overjoyed at the (not really all that good – really quite mean) presents I give, delight in anything I give you and inflate my narcissistic bubble. If you don’t then you’re a bad daughter and a bad mother not thinking of other people before your self.”
    I then had like a de ja vu moment this morning – going up the stairs folding a towel and that sick, sinking feeling. I had just been thinking, would it be so bad to pop round and see my mother for Christmas? Wouldn’t it make people happy? (Next year I will arrange to go elsewhere even though it will hurt my mother as we’ll go to see other relatives who want nothing to do with her). So although I thought her message had not affected me, the guilt had been there in the background eating away, and the better and freer I felt, the more it felt like going to see my mother was not such a problem – but that’s how it happens ever time and I get sucked back in and before I know it I’m acting in this play that is written by and all about her and all I am is a supporting character in her life, with mine fading away and was never worth anything anyway apparently.

    I think that sinking feeling is the “inner child” – as if there are two of us (with the pain for children of narcissists that makes you want to split into pieces mentally just to survive) – there is the adult, reasonable one of us – and there is the “inner child”still frozen at the times of traumas. I healed to some extent from my sexual abuse after having worked for a therapist and learning all about effects of sexual abuse from that. One day (after reading loads and loads) I had a vivid (lucid?) memory – the memory I had always had of being a child being abused, but this time suddenly the perspective switched from seeing things from the perspective of that child, to being above the child and paedo, on the ceiling, looking down at her and the paedophile, and seeing everything from the perspective of the adult I now was – the mole/wart on his face that had no conscious memory of but was now reminded had been there – seeing the look on his face so clearly – the reading of his intentions the way a child could not have read – the fact that he knew, he was making a child do things using disapproval and other tactics which the child had been taught to be affected by – a sitting duck left vulnerable– it was so easy for him – and I saw, that was an innocent child! I wept. I had never really understood what was meant before when people say “it’s never the child’s fault”, I just thought I did; but now I got it. I wanted to kill that disgusting old paedo. So now the inner child is in there, crying out to be kept safe again – this time from my mother – “Don’t let her get at me – Don’t let her hurt me anymore. Please!” But I keep not listening, and doing what my mother wants instead of valuing that child!!!! I think the sick feeling is the inner child crying and wanting to die again, because she knows that rather than protect her, I’m going to drag her back there to endure more of that woman’s reminding her again and again that she’s nothing, like I’m still a child, chatting happily about something I did and suddenly getting a a cup of tea over my head to bring me back down to earth and humility (though she strangely has no memory of that these days of course). As if a few presents could be worth accepting that kind of behaviour towards any child, though forgiven for years, it metaphorically continues – who does she think she is to treat another soul like that? The moment I decide I’m not going to betray that inner child, that I’ll do anything to avoid being manipulated anymore by that woman, I feel myself come alive – the creativity and health and joy of life in me is that inner child and she deserves my protection and concern, whereas my mother unfortunately does not.
    So I’m not going to mother’s for Christmas. 🙂

  17. By: Kris Posted: 22nd December

    Hi Joanne,

    I got an email from my mother too asking if she could see me for just a short time and then she told me how they all have waited so patiently and I had that same sick feeling in my stomach as well and I knew in my heart that there was no way that I was going to be able to suck it up like I did for the last umpteen years without there being some kind of conversation about the damage that they did to me. We are talking about 3 years of virtually NC now and she thinks that we are just going to sit down at Christmastime and act as if the last 3 years never happened and have fun!! It is almost unbelievable except for the fact that I was one of them just 3 years ago my self. I too would have swept those 3 years under the rug and never looked back but this time it’s not going to work. I read behind the lines on her email too. How THEY have been the one’s waiting so patiently. I almost replied back waiting for what!!

  18. By: Joanne Posted: 21st December

    My mother is back, days before Christmas after weeks of silence waiting for me to apologise (?), with an email saying how much she’s hoping to see us. She’s all sweetness and light, explaining sweetly her limits in preparing food for us as she’s on treatment for a stomach ulcer, though will try her best. I was expecting a guilt trip revolving around my toddler, but she knows how to play me better. I’ve read so much about manipulation lately I see through her – between the lines her email is need, demand and guilt trips and control. It seems drastic to do no contact/limited contact but the thought of being in her presence again getting hooked in to her game feels like sticking my head in a hole in the ground and giving up. I couldn’t bear this sort of situation when my daughter is old enough to understand and be affected by her games and part of the guilt card – I’d have been under pressure to crack weeks ago and grovel at her feet so my daughter could be sure of a family Christmas. I’ve noticed bizarre behaviour already – treating me as if she’s my daughter’s mother and I’m a naughty sibling, and playing the saviour grandmother – and my daughter’s not even 2. Reading on this site I think I’m going to have to get me and my toddler well out of this trap probably by moving to the other side of the country. Off to read Darlene’s article!

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 21st December

      Hi Joanne
      Isn’t it crazy how they can just reappear and act as if nothing ever happened? Isn’t it amazing when we begin to see things through the truth about how they actually are? Thanks for sharing.
      hugs, Darlene

  19. By: Kris Posted: 18th December

    S1988

    I wasn’t aware that I was abused until I was 46 years old. You are aware of it now. If you work on yourself you won’t be in the same situation as me. Once you figure this junk out it doesn’t affect you the same way as it used to. For me if it does then I know that I need to do more work in that area that keeps on bothering me so I can be free from it once and for all. I believe there will always be things to work on with inside of my self due to the level of damage that was done to me and for the length of time that I was stuck in these sick mind sets but my life is already massive amounts better then from just 3 years ago when I first started my recovery so I know that it will only keep on getting better. Once you know what you know there is no wanting to go back to the way that you used to live because then you see just how sick and toxic it really was and you would be a fool to want to go back to that way of living again!!! That is my experience anyway. I hope that eases your mind.

  20. By: Light Posted: 18th December

    P.S. Darlene and anyone

    I’m not convinced that my mother thinks that what I experienced was sexual abuse. For a long time I thought not (“you’re father always denied it”), then it sounded like she did via a letter she wrote at my request and in a phone call to me, but then in the last year or so she said things counter to this and took it away….

    Now I am pretty sure that what she did was a lot of fancy footwork with her words to make it seem like she was appeasing me, but she really wasn’t. But I may never really know because I’m getting a lot of under-responsiveness, indirectness and smoke and mirrors.

    At our very first meeting with a therapist my mother talked about when the sexual abuse came to light and how other people approached her with their “stories” (I think they fall under the “covert” category). You’d think the therapist would pick up on that word and want to delve into what my mother thought, but no, no she didn’t. My mother clearly questioned the truth of the “stories”, and seemingly decided she couldn’t believe it.

    That therapist was my last life line to possibly working things out with my mother and it was a fail. What a disappointment.

  21. By: S1988 Posted: 18th December

    Kris

    “What other crime can you commit where the victim does 50+ years and the abuser gets off scot free?”

    I can’t relate to this yet since I won’t be 50 for about another 22 years. But, I wonder if by the time I reach that age, the chaos will still continue and I’ll still be tending to my emotional scars.

    Light

    That’s a tough situation to deal with. My mother is 65, and can manage for now, but what about in the next 10-20 years? I may be in that situation in the future. My older brother is a nurse, but when 10-20 years pass, he’ll be a senior, too, since there’s a 20-year gap between them. I’m not sure if he would be able to do it. Maybe my older sister could step in, or someone else? Something to look forward to, I suppose.

  22. By: Light Posted: 17th December

    Darlene, Kris, Hobie, and S1988 (and anyone else):

    Thank you for responding to my comments from early December on the Christmas post (it’s in the “Family” section above). Since new comments are now closed there, I wanted to thank you here. I so appreciate your words of strength – they help keep me strong.

    Darlene thank you for getting indignant right along with me. It’s terrible about my mother saying my sister’s abuse was “more serious” than mine. While my sister’s abuse was overt, and mine was covert (like my father flashing me, or sticking his hand down his pants, or “accidentally” walking in on me in the bathroom) it was still very damaging and my mother refuses to recognize that. When I attempted to describe overt vs. covert to my mother she acted like she didn’t get it and this woman has an advanced degree. Willful ignorance.

    My new dilemma du jour: My mother is very elderly now, and there is an upcoming family meeting of the siblings to talk about her care and delegate her care. The dysfunction ripples through the family (i.e. they blame me), and I no longer want to be involved in her care though it will be expected of me.

    I went to see my doctor today and t/a this and she said something like “well, it’s not like you’re not willing to do anything” and I didn’t have the guts to tell her yes that’s exactly what I’m saying. I was fearful that in her eyes she would think I’m not being a good daughter; I also was surprised because I’ve told her the details about how my family blames me and doesn’t support me and she seemed to be on a track of me helping my mother somewhat.

    Kris your sentence “What other crime can you commit where the victim does 50+ years and the abuser gets off scot free” really resonated with me. So very true and I hadn’t thought of it that way.

  23. By: Kris Posted: 16th December

    S1988,

    I know what you are saying about Bill Clinton. He is a sex addict. That was his way of coping with being abused. I doubt that my mother made the connection. She always taught me that all men cheat on you anyway in order to make her own self feel better due to my father cheating on her all the time so that is probably the perspective that she was coming from when she decided to use Bill Clinton as her defense mechanism!!! Lol

    I found out the same thing that you did regarding my own family. There is no way to reconcile with someone who doesn’t want to admit the truth because it always comes at the expense of you and your own self worth. I just re- read the post from Pam Witzemann here on efb https://emergingfrombroken.com/my-reckoning-journey-on-the-path-to-forgiving-my-parents-by-pam-witzemann/#more-4606. I found comfort in reading this post. It was what I needed to hear after being able to set up my own boundary regarding not seeing my mother at Christmastime like she wanted me to. Just a month ago I almost invited her over to see my Christmas tree. I was still operating out of her sick mind set that taught me that somehow this mess was all my fault and it is up to me to make things work out that always involves being at the expense of me and my self worth. By the grace of God someone on this site said hey what about you!!! Thank you to that person because you saved me a world full of more pain. Now it finally sunk in. When my mother can own up to what she did to me then maybe we will have a chance at reconciliation but until that time those days are gone because it just isn’t fair to me.

    Last week I sent her an email explaining why I didn’t think it was a good idea for us to see each other at Christmas and today I finally got her response back to me. One of her cutesy emails passed on from one of her cohorts lecturing me on how the most important thing you can do “while you are still alive” is give your time to your family trying to guilt trip me into seeing her which isn’t going to work anymore.

    She doesn’t have a clue how stupid she sounds while I am sitting here still trying to overcome Dissociative Identity Disorder that her and my father’s abuse caused me to develop at a very young age. What other crime can you commit where the victim gets to do 50+ years while the abuser gets off scot free? They should count their lucky stars instead of lecturing me but I get it. Sorry you have to go through this bullcrap too. I rather have no family than a toxic one too.

  24. By: S1988 Posted: 16th December

    Kris,

    Was your mother aware of the scandal Clinton got involved in during his presidency? Healthy adults don’t engage in affairs.

    After giving my family a second chance, I realized I could never have a healthy relationship with them since they hide behind excuses while blaming me, and yet they expect me to be with them. I’m also fed up with family dysfunction.

    I hardly hear from them, but I do get occasional updates from my “neutral” sister. I read the emails, but don’t respond.

    It’s less painful now since this is estrangement #2. I rather have no family than a toxic one.

  25. By: Kris Posted: 16th December

    Hi Joanne,

    It was hard for me too when I realized the level of manipulation that my mother did to me masked behind so- called kind deeds that were really ways for her to fill that empty void inside of her self using me as her scape goat to be able to do it with. They know. They know what they are doing is wrong yet they do it to us anyway and they do it in such a way that you can’t even tell that they are really abusing us and that is why it hurts so much in the end because we never even saw it coming.

    I haven’t had a conversation with my mother since 3 years ago when I told her that the reason why I am having so many difficulties in my adulthood was from being abused when I was a child and her response to me was if Bill Clinton can be the president of the United States having an alcoholic father then what is wrong with me and then after 3 years of virtually NC she emails me wanting to visit with me at Christmastime as if the last 3 years of NC never even happened and forget about the reason why!!!! NUTS to say the least and before therapy I would have been right along with her as sick as that is.

    I emailed my mother back telling her that I didn’t think it would be a good idea for us to meet because I wanted to enjoy my holiday just as I was sure she did too and it took a lot for me to be able to set up my own boundaries with her and tell her no. I have decided that there needs to be a real conversation before we meet again. One that involves telling the truth and I know that that day will never come for her and I am ok with that now because the truth is my life is so much better without her in it but it took me having the courage to separate my self away from her long enough to finally be able to see the truth. I feel for your situation too.

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