When Inspirational Material Triggers Self Blame

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Self Blame and recovery

I was watching a motivational video clip that someone shared from You Tube and something struck me “icky”. Something about it was just NOT motivational. It was near the beginning when the speaker said “but somewhere along the line, you changed. You stopped being you. You let people stick a finger in your face and tell you that you are no good. And when things got hard, you started looking for something to blame….. ” The speaker goes on to say “let me tell you something you already know. The world aint all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it.”  And the video goes on to inspire and motivate people to take their broken lives back.

Okay, this ticks me off. At first I wondered why it hit me so hard; I felt my heart react in the way it does when I hear abusive statements. The speaker is speaking in a similar way to the way that abusers speak, but that wasn’t what was triggering me.  This video really is intended to be inspirational. It is the famous speech from one of the Rocky movies and in some ways it really IS inspirational; The message on this video is that we were born to be great and that we can rise up and overcome anything that we have been through. That we can fight back, that we can “get over it” and that we can win at life and realize our full potential.

So why did it hit me like a punch in the gut? And how come only about 5% of people who hear this stuff can implement it into their own lives and benefit from it for more than a few minutes? Well here is what I think;

It is the language that the speaker is using that is all too familiar to me. After the intro about how you were born to be great, He jumps straight to “but something happened” “You changed

And this is the first problem; I didn’t change by choice. I HAD to change, I had to survive. I was a child! I stopped being me because NO ONE allowed me to be me in the first place. This began to happen to me when I was too young to have any opinion or understanding about it.

This is the same thing as people thinking that we grow up and suddenly we have a choice on how we live, because we are adults! But we were not equipped for life in the first place. We were not raised with the right understanding of self love, or any love at all.  There is a step missing between devalued, unloved and abused child, AND you are an adult and you have a choice.

This video reminds me that this was the way that I was brainwashed into believing that everything that ever happened to me was my own fault. It is that the speaker says that I LET this happen.  It isn’t that I LET someone tell me that I was no good. I didn’t LET that happen. I had no choice.

When self help books and motivational materials tell me that the problem started when I let someone tell me that I was useless, at some level I know that it means that this was a lie that I accepted about myself, but at another level, the deep down subconscious level where my belief system rules, I hear that IT IS MY OWN FAULT because I LET this person tell me that I didn’t count.

And again, the truth is that I never had a choice but to believe it, because I was way too young not to believe it. I was way too young to ignore it, or to refute it or reject that statement.  Just like in my forgiveness rant, when I said that there is a missing step in the whole forgiveness arena, this message also leaves out a very important step on the journey to taking our lives back. We have to validate how we lost them and validate to ourselves that it was not something we had any choice in, or something we LET happen. The reason that this video hit me like a punch to the guts is because I relived all those times that my spirit fell because I was told and I believed that I was really to blame for my situation.  And I was about 8 years old when I finally accepted that my lot in life was all my own fault. And I had no way to rearrange that belief into the truth.

Communication has so much to do with the way that we use our words, and the way that we perceive what is said to us. The reaction that I had was subconscious. It was that “feeling” that something wasn’t right. That familiar feeling that *I* could have prevented the abuse in the first place. This has so much to do with how our belief system has developed. I think that when inspirational material is presented like this, many people, especially victims like I was, hear it as permission to beat ourselves up again. Deep down I heard it as just another reminder that this is “my own fault” that I am the worthless one because I LET this happen.

Here is the link to the video that I am referring to. “Be Great ~ Powerful Beyond Measure”

Exposing Truth, one snapshot at a time;

Darlene Ouimet

The Emerging from Broken bookThe Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing” is ready for download! If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, get this book today! This 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to healing.  Get yours here through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

88 response to "When Inspirational Material Triggers Self Blame"

  1. By: Krissy Posted: 7th November

    Wow, I was just thinking about this over the last 2 days. These were the types of comments I would hear from family members when they found about that I was going to leave my abuser. Not surprisingly, I kept them out of the loop – didn’t need any more injury if I was to heal.

    I read a comment the other day about reclaiming your identity after abuse, and how one way would be to find out who you were before you met the abuser. I am too embarrassed to wonder how I could ever do that if my earliest memories of abuse is of the maid consistently ignoring my cries for milk and feeding me the last few drops after feeding my brother? I was still in a cot! You mean, I have to find out who I was in the womb??

    And before anyone thinks I am being facetious, I really mean that all of the experiences that should have been nourishing were abusive. I didn’t realise it at that time, of course, because my upbringing wasn’t too different from others around me – lack of affection, conditional and distant love, watching sibling abuse, neglect, etc. It did create an identity – that of a pleaser to avoid punishment and that was carried on in a marriage to an abuser. But honest to goodness, how can I ever find out who I was before the abuse started, or before I LET those people stick in a finger in my face.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 7th November

      Krissy
      Perhaps I should word “finding out who I was before the abuse”. It wasn’t that I knew or anything.. my first sexual abuse I was only two years old. What I mean by finding myself was the original me.. and that was something that happened as I grew stronger as a result of doing the work to realize how I got so beaten down etc. As I “found the original me and stepped into my own skin for the first time in my life, it was more like a feeling of coming home. It wasn’t that so much that I had been someone before the abuse started as much as a feeling that now I am who I was born to be. Some people were not abused from very young and they see it differently. Hope this makes sense.
      Hugs, Darlene

  2. By: Susan Posted: 5th November

    Thank you for that comment Patricia; that really rings true for me especially in the realm that I sought help from. I think if a therapy model isn’t working it may be viewed as something is wrong with us because they really don’t have a clue as to the kind of work that is required to actually heal from this stuff. In my own journey – after 17 years in the mental health system every time I attempted to bring up my abuse it was dismissed; they just sat there. I always felt guilty and ashamed as though I’d done something wrong again. I have found and use today many positive motivational speakers materials that in the past I’d tried to follow and just could not “get it” – until I did the emotional healing. Now I can apply “positive” but only after I acknowledged and experienced the past – not by pretending it didn’t happen.

  3. By: Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker Posted: 4th November

    A lot of people out there who were obviously never abused themselves or are in denial of their own abuse issues want you to believe that healing from abuse is so easy and it isn’t. I read just a few days ago that sexual abuse of a child, especially incest, is the worst form of abuse because of all of the additional issues with the parents. No matter how many times people tell you to just get over it, it isn’t possible. That is just another lie to add to the many that we heard growing up with our abusers.

  4. By: izzy Posted: 4th November

    no, i was simply saying that the reason we hear things that keep us in self blame is because they are also blaming us. its not just about our interpretation of the material.
    thanks again for taking the time to reply

    regards
    izzy

  5. By: izzy Posted: 4th November

    i appreciate you taking the time to reply to my post

    however, the clip is actively shaming

    placing the responsibility instead with the victim for how they ‘hear it’ is scapegoating them and not handing it back where it belongs

    thats what we had to do to ourselves as as children to deny our feelings of helplessness and survive,
    but it is not appropriate to carry on doing that to ourselves

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 4th November

      Izzy,
      I sincerely hope that you are not accusing me of placing the responsibility on the victim for how “they here it” If that is what you are doing, then you have misunderstood my entire intention for this post. I am saying that I had to come to realize that I did NOT let someone do this to me. The whole blog post is about how I thought “before when I was broken” that I had some responsibility in LETTING people do things to me and in my recovery, I came to realize that I did NOT LET anyone do anything to me.. that they just did it. THEN I was able to move forward with my healing.
      I hope this clarifies.

  6. By: izzy Posted: 4th November

    to me its really clear that the included ‘motivational material’ is toxic and abusive
    it is not just ‘presented in a way that can be misunderstood by people who are already shame based’
    it is in itself actively shaming, covertly or otherwise and the fact that it is ‘wrapped up’ as a motivational speech does not change this

    if this material were to be of any real value it would need to model compassion and empathy for the person in the story who has clearly been so traumatized by our society that they have not grown internal boundaries strong enough to keep out other peoples realities, abusive or otherwise.

    the material also ignores the fact that the reason the world is such an abusive place right now is that every single person alive today is carrying huge unprocessed grief about their childhoods and that instead of splitting from this and joining the’ battle’ what actually needs to happen is for everyone to connect with their vulnerability and grief

    the messages given in this speech are hugely damaging because they encourage an already delusional and dissociated society to go in the exact opposite direction from where they need to go

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 4th November

      Izzy,
      I am really glad that this is clear to you! I agree that this type of thing can not assist anyone to move forward.
      I hate to say it, but the original speech was really intended to be empowering in the context that it was delivered in. (I took the snip of this video out of it’s original context (because I didn’t actually KNOW the original context at the time) to write my post and having said that ~ it doesn’t change the post content at all…because THIS is what victims hear subconsciously or consciously, when we hear speeches like this. I would have liked to stand up and shout “HEYYYYYYYY I did NOT Let anyone do this to me… they just went ahead and did it. I just heard the LET word and recognized the things that I heard when I listened to speeches like this one.) but I just want to say that I don’t think this video clip is at all intended to be actively shaming. Next time I will use a better example. (not a piece out of a movie I know nothing about) I was trying to shed more light (from a different angle) on how we hear things that keep us in self blame.

      Having said all that I totally agree with the last part of your comments!!!! I just don’t want anyone to get the message that this post was about the video. I am only concerned with our reactions (as survivors) to these kinds of videos. when I hear things like this video now, I know right away that I don’t apply that kind of language to myself anymore because NOW I am aware of it.

      Thanks so much for your contribution! Hugs, Darlene
      p.s. I have also found excellent motivational material that does not place any blame of the listener for the emotional state they are in.

  7. By: Fi MacLeod exNicholson Posted: 2nd November

    Hi Darlene, your comment about “processing my feelings through the grid of “what a good Christian should feel” made a lot of sense to me.

    There is a lot of pressure to conform to what is perceived to be the Christian way of doing things, which actually can really skew what the bible really says. I’ve felt that pressure a lot over the years, and was one reason why I could not continue going to church and conforming whilst being denied the reality of my own experiences, feelings and thoughts processes.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 2nd November

      Hi Fi,
      I think that along with all the “definitions” of things that I had wrong, I had a lot of GRIDS that I looked through that were messed up too. Getting down to the truth in all these areas was really all part of my process. I thought I knew what a good Christian was… but it was just what I was told /taught/ trained/ manipulated about what it was. I had to read the bible several times for myself before I realize that what I was TAUGHT it said, isn’t what it actually said! I was taught by many people ~ some of them teaching me what they were taught, and the false teaching is about…… guess what??……. the misuse of power and control! It is everywhere. I am not brainwashed by that stuff anymore, I am free to find and follow the truth now.
      Hugs, Darlene

  8. By: Paulette Posted: 2nd November

    Your post of today at 7:41am … I have to agree with you there, Darlene. It makes a lot of sense. As a Christian, if we have false teaching that is part of our core beliefs, it can very much set us into a tailspin. One thing I have learned is that God is not a God of confusion or chaos. So if our belief or belief system causes confusion, chances are it just might be ‘off.’ And then that is when we go searching for the truth of whatever we are dealing with.

  9. By: Kathy Posted: 2nd November

    Darlene,

    I alway’s wandered why my parent’s would make me believe it was all in my head then turn around tell me I have to forgive my brother. You’re right, why would they even say that….sounds like denial on there part to me. No suprise to me at all, I just realized this. Also, my sick mother had NO RIGHT to tell me it was all in my head and to forgive my brother when she was sexually and physically abusing me herself. This really MAKES ME MAD!

  10. By: hannahphoenix Posted: 2nd November

    ah thanks darlene

    glad to have found this blog

    i too have some audiobooks which aren’t toxic and i think they are great
    again i m careful about which ones i listen to

    i look forward to reading more from you

    thanks lisa too for your comment!

    hannah

  11. By: Lisa Posted: 2nd November

    Hannah,

    I love that phrase, “getting on my side” about what happened. Every time I find myself defending the child me, the adult me comes in with a combination of the old abusive tapes and the newer, “supportive,” motivational tapes, both of which invalidate the child. It’s a vicious cycle for me, and I find myself still stuck in it. Telling myself things like, “after all the money and time you’ve spent in therapy and in self-help and in motivational trainings, you should be better by now. If you’re not, it’s your own fault and you just want to wallow in your misery.” Even if true, certainly not helpful.

    Anyway, thanks everyone for this great discussion. There have been some great insights here.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 2nd November

      Hannah,
      Great to have you here, welcome!
      I love what you wrote, so much great info here, very thoughtful and insightful. Thank you for sharing and highlighting my blog post in the the kind of depth you write in!

      In my own experience with motivational materials (since I replaced all those head chatter lies with truth), is that I love most of it and find it works very well. I am careful which kinds of it I use, but I have several authors that I love and many audios! But I had tried it for over 20 years before that when it added to my burden!
      Thanks for being here!
      Darlene
      Oh and I agree with Lisa, I love the phrase “getting on my side” THAT says it very well!

  12. By: hannahphoenix Posted: 2nd November

    actually having just posted and re read my last comment i want to add that there is a distinction for me between ‘supportive speeches’ that acknowledge vulnerability and humanity and connection

    and

    shaming speeches which deny this vulnerability and instead encourage us to split off from it into a state of driven and combative dissociation

    thanks

    hannah

  13. By: hannahphoenix Posted: 2nd November

    hi everyone.

    glad to have found this page!

    here is what i believe and i have crystallised for myself after reading the comments and the initial blog so thanks-

    there is a missing and important step in being able to assert as an adult, after having been invaded as a child

    as victims of child abuse, we were set up to be easy targets, unable to assert and protect ourselves for the rest of our lives because we were programmed this way at a time when our brains were still forming.
    in addition to this hardwiring, we now have flashbacks when any remotely similar incident occurs in adulthood

    For me, these flashbacks are debilitating. Physiologically, they actually freeze my autonomic nervous system so that I am literally unable to respond in the present and assert as an adult.
    This is a physiological disability, not a lack of effort or will

    My experience in recovery has taught me that there is a way out of this .
    it involves getting on my side about what happened to me, embodying how I really felt throughout my childhood. feeling the feelings of helplessness and defenceless
    As well as my autonomic nervous system healing this way, my psyche also learns that I am not a shameful object, but a very hurt human being who has the right to be treated with love.

    an organic outcome of this feeling and healing process has been a growing assertiveness.
    the more i heal at a cellular level, the more i naturally, instinctively thrive and unfold organically as a citizen of the planet
    funnily enough its much easier to stay solid when you are not having terrifying flashbacks every five minutes!!!

    but sadly i have also learned during my recovery, that the society i live in is actively invested in keeping me out of my authentic suffering.
    i believe this active investment in my denial is for the following reasons…

    if society buys into a story about victims ‘letting things happen to them’ abusers can continue blaming their victims instead of looking at themselves, bystanders can absolve themselves of their responsibility to both protect the victim and to stand up to the perpetrator, and also the bystander, (who will be traumatised to some degree living in our abusive society, ) will have had times when they were helpless and things were beyond their control. they can stay dissociated from those experiences by siding against other victims

    its clear to me now that many of the ‘stories’ from motivational speaking and all of the new age belief systems serve one purpose. they create the illusion of control….. ‘at some level there is something i can do to change this situation. it is within my power’
    but you can only buy into this illusion if you also buy into self blame and shame….
    its still happening now because i am ‘letting it’ i am weak i am not trying hard enough

    so the victims get abandoned, shamed and blamed by society and as a result it is much much harder for them to get inside their own skin and no longer be under the spell of their attackers

    however
    my truth is that i was a defenceless child and that there was nothing i could have done to reason with or reach, or change the people who were invading me at a time when i was defenseless.

    its a sick society indeed that would try to stop me feeling the pain that would let me heal my wounds, whilst at the same time judging me for still being disabled by them

    Last I want to say that the 5 percent of people who can carry out motivational instructions are probably much less wounded than me and so can drive themselves in this way and somehow keep going
    . But they must still be traumatised to quite a degree to need to drive themselves like this because if someone is not traumatised they naturally thrive in the world

    these five percent may carry on for the rest of their lives, dissociated from their true selves in this way because they probably wont reach a rock bottom and eventually have to address their childhoods. But this means they will never have the chance of a truly meaningful life.

  14. By: Paulette Posted: 1st November

    So true Fi … I feel exactly the same as you. As Christians we have it drilled into us not to hate people, but to hate sin, and to love our enemies … loving our enemies … that can be such a tough one when we’ve been abused, especially by our mothers – our mothers were supposed to be the ones who loved us no matter what. I think that being abused by a parent is the worst kind of betrayal and hurt and pain there is!! Because its our parent, it goes down into the depths of our souls that we are not worth anything … only to find out that once we get out from underneath their thumb, if we ever do, that we eventually find out we are loveable and worthy and strong.

    It is hard to process those feelings. And its so great having a safe place to vent – to get angry – I often still have days where I just want to scream at her for what she did. I HATE what was done to me. It took a long time for me to reach that place of feeling indifference for her.

  15. By: Fi MacLeod exNicholson Posted: 1st November

    When it comes to my mother I have nothing but HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE for what she did to me.

    She should never have the title “mother”, she should never have been allowed to have children.

    To think that she replicated in precise detail down to the tiniest detail what happened to her in her abuse and torture of me is SICK SICK SICK SICK SICK SICK SICK. She never had anything in her heart for me but hatred, despising and destroying the very person that I was.

    It’s really hard being a Christian and trying to process such strong feelings. And it’s so good to admit to having such strong feelings in this environment. Knowing it is safe and no-one is going to judge me or put me down.

  16. By: Paulette Posted: 1st November

    Splinteredones … that would have made me incredibly angry too. Psychic-mediums … I know they like to say their gift is from God, but it isn’t – but from the devil – if you believe in that sort of thing, which I do. I used to see psychics, palm-readers and the like when I was a young woman and all they did was make my life WORSE – they are liars!! So, yeah, when it tells you to just stop being a victim – I think I would have been infuriated too. GRRRRR! Victims are not who we chose to be – it is what had happened to us!! Evil likes us to bury or hide it’s evil in attempt to appear ‘good.’ Just like abusers do – they appear ‘good’ to everyone else, while in secret they are evil and nasty.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 2nd November

      Hi Splinty;
      Thanks for your comments ~ it’s true, people really say careless things without giving any thought to what they are saying. I often wonder if they really are so clueless that they do not realize that it isn’t that easy, OR if they just don’t understand in the first place. I have met MANY people that I KNOW don’t mean to cause any extra harm with these kinds of comments. I am not as concerned with these kinds of comments as I am with how we process them. Staying in the fog about them, (feeling uncomfortable or even angry) doesn’t get us anywhere. Realizing how devaluing they are is only useful in order for us to realize that statements like “stop being a victim” are not coming from a helpful place of truth. They do not get us where we want to go. So awareness of them is really about combating the statements for ourselves. Not about the people who say them. Sorry I missed answering this comment yesterday!
      Hugs, Darlene

      Fi and Paulette
      ~ This may not relate to what you are talking about , but it came to my mind so I thought I would share it.

      I was constantly going into this spin of processing my feelings through the grid of “what a good Christian should feel”. Finally I just gave that up. One of the things that I learned to do is to question myself when my thoughts started to spin into confusing areas. I would ask myself “is this line of thinking getting me any closer to where I want to go?” well I asked that question about almost everything under the sun, (and still need to stop and do that often) and one of the areas that it really paid off for me was in the area of the Christian teaching stuff. I had a lot of false teaching absorbed by the time I went through this healing process. In the end I just decided that when ever I thought about it, I would choose NOT to think about it. Eventually, the real teachings about love and grace, overpowered the teachings about guilt and shame.. and I was able to sort out my strong feelings against my parents. Sometimes I just had to put things aside in order to get some perspective. It was hard to UN learn the false teachings that I had learned, because like in so many other areas, I did not know they were false. Later on, I had to take a closer look at my definition of “Christian” and that is where I found a lot of the problem.

      Hugs, Darlene

  17. By: Paulette Posted: 1st November

    Darlene – In regards to your reply on my previous post … so true. Abusers have such control over us – and they are genius at it. They know how to keep us under, to keep us from recognizing the wrong done to us. How evil does this kind of thinking have to be???

    Kathy – I wish I could hug ya! I don’t know exactly what abuse you have been through, but I can honestly say that I used to feel the same about my mother, ‘HATE, HATE, HATE’ for what she did to me. Sometimes hatred still surfaces in regards to the abuse – and so far, my husband’s ear has always been close by, allowing me to vent! It’s been 10 years since she’s been in my life, and I can honestly say, that I still hate that I was abused, but my feeling toward her as a person is nothing but indifference. I have no real feelings for her at all – I don’t think – well, not a loving feeling anyway.

    And even though I am a Christian, it is absurd to think that God would inflict pain on us for His purpose and glory. I agree that He hates what was done to us and hates that our abusers are unrepentant with seemingly seared consciences. But He can change anything crappy into good. For years I never thought I deserved a wonderful husband (because she told me no good man would ever want me – that I was ruined.) She painted my future as being dismal and hard and that I would never ‘get ahead’ in life. God showed me I could have those things – and He has given me more than what I even thought possible. Point is, I learned there is hope – that our lives can be what we desire them to be. God hated that this was done to me (any anyone else who was abused) – I know this full well. But His graciousness took me out of that and placed me into a more blessed life. It doesn’t mean life is easy – it doesn’t mean I have everything I ever wanted. What it means is that I am NOW surrounded by people who truly love me (who are NOT my family), I have great friends, a wonderful husband, blessed with kids … but the most precious thing I have been given is rich contentment. I am so thankful that abuse does not define us.

    Samantha – I don’t think you needed to explain the video you posted. Of course many wouldn’t be offended by it and I am sure it was not intended against those who have been abused. But I love how it made me think. It gave me a glimpse as to how I think an abuser would or could overpower someone. It gave me more understanding in the fact that being abused WAS NOT MY FAULT.

  18. By: The Maggie Posted: 1st November

    i’ve recently started attending al-anon meetings and find myself feeling really hostile when people say things like “i can choose to be happy” or “choose to let that go” or even “you can choose not to think like a victim” i don’t think LIKE a victim, i WAS a victim.

    so i have to fight everyday against the first messages i ever got in this world: that i am worthless. it doesn’t seem to matter what i accomplish or how far i’ve come, it is still there, this core belief that i am a waste of flesh.

    and statements that say i choose to stay depressed or whatever ARE inaccurate, but it does trigger that feeling you are talking about. how one of my abusers used to say i was just doing everything for attention, even being sick. so i couldn’t be sick or sad or hurt without being ridiculed for it….

    i’ve tried to “get over it” and “let it go”…god knows i’ve tried. i’vbe also lived in shame that i couldn’t do it for a long time. im still there really, convinced i SHOULD be stronger/able to move on..like those things that say that we all have to stop blaming our parents and take responsibility for our own lives…well, i’ve been doing that for the last 15 years, taking responsibility, trying to get better…what happened did happen in the past but it shapes my present more than anything else really.

    im rambling but i wanted to say thank you for posting this.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 1st November

      Hi Maggie,
      Welcome! Your journey sounds similar to mine. On your journey, have you ever spent any length of time living with the validation that YOU WERE actually a victim? That is what changed things for me. (Lots of blog posts on this in this blog) I was in my forties when I finally really looked at things from the perspective of having been a victim. Finally, I validated myself as someone that had been unfairly treated, a child who had been violated, an innocent person that had been taken advantage of. I stayed there looking at it and validating myself long enough for me to be ABLE to move on. I have found this to be true for others as well. (and yes there are times that I felt guilty and full of shame for allowing myself to indulge in feeling sad for myself and the life that I had lost because of this, but I kept going; it was what I had to do ~ validate myself and the trauma that I went through. ) This was a key part of the journey to wholeness for me. I tried to get over it and let go of it for over 20 years… but until I faced it, relived it and validated that it happened, it was WRONG and it was not my fault etc… I didn’t seem to be able to move forward with my real life.
      So glad that you are here.
      Hugs, Darlene

  19. By: Fi MacLeod exNicholson Posted: 1st November

    Sorry you’ve having such a shit day Kathy. My day aint been much good either – was supposed to be seeing my worker this afternoon and she cancelled this morning and said she’d phone to rearrange, heard nothing from her. Been dissociating really bad and got so much rage I don’t know what to do with it. Really shit when that happens.

    It too find that the more I write and the more I share the more I believe there’s a way through all this stuff and the more it validates my feelings and thought processes.#

  20. By: Kathy Posted: 1st November

    Oh, I could not agree more Fi! It seems to me that it’s abusive to say such things like these. These people have NO idea what it is like to come from a traumatic childhood…and to have to face it later in life and re-parent yourself. I’m learning, struggling (very much today)so I won’t say anymore. But I will say, today has been a very difficult day for me. Flashbacks, triggers, lies I was told and convinced to believe…it is all boiling out! It hurts so bad…I have cried till my eyes are swollen. Just one of those days! The messages that I was taught, brainwashed to believe are coming to the surface and I’m re-training my brain the truth but I tell you it is exhausting! I have to write in my journal (once I see the truth) over and over the correct thing. It’s like write off’s. The more I write it the more I believe it and it erases the old message. I wish I knew other ways to do this. Something for me to ask my therapist.

  21. By: Fi MacLeod exNicholson Posted: 1st November

    Oh yeah Kathy I had that bullshit from so many Christians that God let this happen so HIS healing power and strength could be seen through me and my strength and determination to survive. It is total bullshit!! God hated what was done to me and never wanted that for me and HE hates that my abusers are so unrepentant and defiant. It just makes me so angry when people say this (your past of abuse) is your cross to carry and so on.

  22. By: Kathy Posted: 1st November

    It really makes me angry to hear people say crap like, this too shall pass, forgive and forget. My parents said to me, “it’s all in your head, you need to forgive your brother and move on, you are Letting something so stupid bother you for nothing. Oh, does that hit a button for me! FUCK THEM! I DID NOT ASK TO BE ABUSED! I DID NOT HAVE A CHOICE IN THE MATTER, I WAS A CHILD, A INNOCENT TEEAGER WHO WAS BRAINWASHED SO BADLY I DIDN’T REALIZE HOW BAD TIL MUCH LATER. Oh, This makes me so angry! I believed all these lies for so long and would punish myself because I could NOT find within me to do as they said, feel the same way they do. I once had a pastor tell me that God made this happen to me to make me a strong person. BULLSHIT! That’s bullshit!

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 1st November

      Kathy, about your message about your parents: I just wanted to point out one thing here Kathy, and this is VERY typical too.. Your parents told you that it was all in your head. (this is very very common for abusers to do) but then they also said that you need to forgive your brother. If it was all in your head then why do you need to forgive anyone?? These kinds of revelations helped me to move forward. The abusers contradicted themselves all the time.

      Kathy and Fi,
      What you say is very true, the more you EXPOSE it, the more you actually believe it. (because we are taught NOT to believe it even happened in some instances like the one Kathy described today. ) And like in your case Fi ~ same thing.. we are taught to doubt. So keep writing, keep sharing, keep doing the things that work.
      Thank you both for being here!

  23. By: splinteredones Posted: 1st November

    Hi Darlene — Saturday night I was at a show held by a famous psychic medium. He was taking questions from the crowd and one woman was talking about what was obviously a dissociated state (which she had apparently never heard of). The medium asks if this was during a traumatic experience, affirmative.

    Then the guy says this: “Stop being a victim. That’s it, it’s really that simple folks. Just stop being a victim”. I of course heard get your shit together. Don’t be sad, or mad, or crazy, or drift off, or have any response to what happened to you, Splint. Just pull yourself up by the bootstraps.

    As you can imagine, I was furious. There were hundreds of people there but we had snagged a seat third row center. I wanted to yell at him, tell him to go fuck off etc. etc. to not say such dangerous things when he obviously has no training in trauma psychology. I am assuming he got the message, being a psychic and all.

    This video, which I’m afraid will set me off, sounds like that guy. Something somewhere I changed? You bet your ass. I was not making a choice to be in those circumstances and neither did I choose my brain’s/body’s reactions. I want to scream DON’T INVALIDATE ME DAMMIT! I was invalidated pretty much my entire life. I blabbed what was happening to me and nobody, not a teacher mother aunt grandma sister NOBODY validated what was happening to me. And so the abuse went on and on and on and got more and more sadistic.

    It is so important for us to point out this dangerous frame of mind whenever we find it. For all of those who can’t. Silence is permission. I so often feel that I am banging my head against a wall for my (I’ve been told) “extreme” position that awareness needs to be made, that little girls need to be saved. That it is not tolerable, NOT OKAY ever, to make jokes about luring behaviors, to not listen to children, to not be proactive about changing what is in the US such a common phenom that it’s just plain frightening. I mean, 1/3 of all girls will have to deal with sexual abuse by age 18. One. Third. Come on. Come fucking on.

    I have a dream of winning the lottery and on one single day sue a hundred people like this guy who do damage by opening their mouths and retraumatizing so many. I’m not a litigious person, but somebody needs to go on the offense to Mainstream America. It’s great that there is a community gaining strength every day, but as long as people like this dickhead remain unchallenged they get stronger as well.

    Thanks for your voice.

  24. By: Kathy Posted: 1st November

    I met with my therapist this afternoon and talked with her about this video and the subject on this blog. She wasn’t too interested in the topic of the blog but more interested in knowing why I got so triggered and couldn’t finish watching it.

    It was a very hard therapy session! I forced myself to talk about it and I did. What this triggers in me is my own abuse. I can NOT watch violent movies or anything with someone getting hurt or a dog dying. It triggers the physical abuse my mother did to me and the sexual abuse she did to me after the physical abuse (to make me feel better.)

    Just in that sentence you can only imagine how many feelings are here! Anger,confused,disgusted,hurt,sadness,shame,guilt,ect…When I was 13 my childhood dog Penny who was my best friend…my mother killed her when I was at school one day. I would have rather taken another bloody beaten from her then for her to kill my dog! I was so heartbroken!
    She is the cruelest person EVER! She is a psycho sick bitch that deserves to be dead! I hate her, I hate her, I hate her, I hate her , I hate her, I hate her, I hate her, I hate her, I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER

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