When Bad Thoughts Wreck Good Feelings


Have you ever had thoughts like these break into your conscious mind?

~Why can’t I do this right?

~Oh I knew I couldn’t do it;

~I will never get this right; I will never be able to do this,

~ Who do I think I am? Nobody likes me. I am useless.

~What makes me think that anyone wants to hear me speak, or read my writing?

~What makes me think I deserve freedom and recovery?

Where do you think those thoughts come from?

I used to honestly believe that those thoughts came from humility, that they were positive. I was not conceited, I was humble. I didn’t want to have “pride” because that could lead to something worse. I was taught that “pride goeth before a fall” and I was so fallen already that I didn’t think I could risk falling much farther down.

But where did they really come from?

They were these nagging questions that presented themselves whenever I tried something new, whenever I felt happy and thought maybe I could do something good with my life. They were the roadblocks that got in the way when I thought I could accomplish something cool. (as I mentioned in another post, I used to have a blog that I was afraid someone might read)

They came when I excitedly told my mother that I had an exhilarating new opportunity, and she responded with “why you? Why did they pick you”? I never thought that maybe something was wrong with her response; I just felt my heart sink and mentally agreed with her……. ya come to think of it….. why me?

Eventually those negative thoughts came to me whenever I felt happy or excited about pretty much anything. I didn’t know the difference between excitement and anxiety.

I was aware of those thoughts long before I emerged from my brokenness. I remember telling my therapist that I had an “imposter issue” and I remember explaining to him that I was sure that if anyone found out who I “really was” that I would be rejected, laughed at or dismissed. I felt invalid.

So who did I think “I really was”? As self aware as I have always been, I didn’t think about who I really was, I was just pretty sure that it wasn’t good. Maybe I was afraid of what or who I would see if I looked too closely. I had kind of a below the surface knowledge. But I can’t stress enough that since I was defined by abuse, opinion and false teaching, I was filled with guilt and shame and feelings of darkness and uselessness. At the same time, I got so angry with myself when I had these negative thoughts! (why can’t I feel better about myself? What the heck is wrong with me?) Round and round it went until I got deep into my truth and sorted this out.

Today I live in light and the truth has set me free. The sun shines on me and on my life. I do new and wonderful things all the time. My wings are strong and I am soaring; I have transcended that old belief system……. and now my life-song sings.   

Come fly with me……. Darlene Ouimet

Speaking of new and wonderful things, Emerging from Broken now has a “fan page” on Facebook! We have a button to the right of this screen, and we would love to connect with you over there too. 

7 response to "When Bad Thoughts Wreck Good Feelings"

  1. By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 23rd March

    Exactly Patricia!

    Re-Wireing my belief system has been the most rewarding thing that I have ever done too! Thanks so much for your comments and great to see you here again!

    Love Darlene

  2. By: Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker Posted: 23rd March

    Darlene, those negative messages start out coming from our parents, our abusers, whatever authority figures are in our lives. Then we take it to the next level and internalize those messages with our own inner critical voice. Then we don’t need anyone else to tell us those negative messages because we do it to ourselves.

    Learning to love myself and stop those critical voices inside my head has been the most rewarding thing that I have done for myself. We don’t know what love is until we learn to love ourselves.

  3. By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 23rd March

    Hi Mark,

    YES Mark; this is pretty much the foundation of my message. That we become so comfortable with the illusion that we never question it’s truth. For me I had to really search for truth in order to become aware. I like how you say “in order to remember who we are”, because somewhere that knowledge is there within us. I found it eventually. =)

    Thanks so much for your insightful comment Mark. Carla talks about your blog, and I am going to spend some time there now too.

    Have a great day! Darlene Ouimet

  4. By: Mark Posted: 23rd March

    It is interesting how buried our authentic self can become. We become so steeped in illusion that we accept the illusion as truth. It is through our awareness that we remember who we are.

  5. By: Carla Posted: 22nd March

    This post is awesome Darlene. It reminds me of something I learned while accompanying for ballet exams last weekend- the examiner told me that in Russia there’s a ballet company that has such a small stage to practice on, when they travel to other places to perform you can actually see that they don’t have the freedom to dance higher or really use all of the space the bigger stage offers them. They have been “programmed” to only jump so high or so wide… Your description of learning to dampen your own excitement reminded me of that.

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