Have you ever had thoughts like these break into your conscious mind?
~Why can’t I do this right?
~Oh I knew I couldn’t do it;
~I will never get this right; I will never be able to do this,
~ Who do I think I am? Nobody likes me. I am useless.
~What makes me think that anyone wants to hear me speak, or read my writing?
~What makes me think I deserve freedom and recovery?
Where do you think those thoughts come from?
I used to honestly believe that those thoughts came from humility, that they were positive. I was not conceited, I was humble. I didn’t want to have “pride” because that could lead to something worse. I was taught that “pride goeth before a fall” and I was so fallen already that I didn’t think I could risk falling much farther down.
But where did they really come from?
They were these nagging questions that presented themselves whenever I tried something new, whenever I felt happy and thought maybe I could do something good with my life. They were the roadblocks that got in the way when I thought I could accomplish something cool. (as I mentioned in another post, I used to have a blog that I was afraid someone might read)
They came when I excitedly told my mother that I had an exhilarating new opportunity, and she responded with “why you? Why did they pick you”? I never thought that maybe something was wrong with her response; I just felt my heart sink and mentally agreed with her……. ya come to think of it….. why me?
Eventually those negative thoughts came to me whenever I felt happy or excited about pretty much anything. I didn’t know the difference between excitement and anxiety.
I was aware of those thoughts long before I emerged from my brokenness. I remember telling my therapist that I had an “imposter issue” and I remember explaining to him that I was sure that if anyone found out who I “really was” that I would be rejected, laughed at or dismissed. I felt invalid.
So who did I think “I really was”? As self aware as I have always been, I didn’t think about who I really was, I was just pretty sure that it wasn’t good. Maybe I was afraid of what or who I would see if I looked too closely. I had kind of a below the surface knowledge. But I can’t stress enough that since I was defined by abuse, opinion and false teaching, I was filled with guilt and shame and feelings of darkness and uselessness. At the same time, I got so angry with myself when I had these negative thoughts! (why can’t I feel better about myself? What the heck is wrong with me?) Round and round it went until I got deep into my truth and sorted this out.
Today I live in light and the truth has set me free. The sun shines on me and on my life. I do new and wonderful things all the time. My wings are strong and I am soaring; I have transcended that old belief system……. and now my life-song sings.
Come fly with me……. Darlene Ouimet
Speaking of new and wonderful things, Emerging from Broken now has a “fan page” on Facebook! We have a button to the right of this screen, and we would love to connect with you over there too.