Verbal Theatre; A Lecture from an Abusive Parent

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helpless like a fish on a hook...
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This week I got an amazing comment on the post “The Grooming Process of Discrediting Children and the Cycle of Abuse” that caused my mouth to drop open. I said to my husband Jim “listen to this!!” and I read the comment out loud to him. As I read it, I looked up and saw his eyes open wider and I knew that he heard exactly what I had heard and that he was having the same reaction to it that I had had. This comment is so typical of the types of verbal abuse that children hear that it could have been from the verbally abusive parents play book.  It was almost painful to read it. When I was finished, Jim said “holy shit… I can HEAR it, I have heard it…I have been there.”

I read it over again and I knew that I wanted to share it with a larger audience so I have asked Tim for his permission to share it as a main article. I am thrilled that he has given me his permission along with his blessing! So many adult children of abusive parents don’t realize how common this type of ‘lecture’ is and don’t realize how many others have experienced so much of the same type of tearing down. This verbal battering goes on and on and the reader who has been there or has ever witnessed it can HEAR it in the writing.

I had the urge to highlight certain parts, make other parts bold and do a little editing, however (aside from adding a few periods and questions marks) I decided to let the reader have their own interpretation and reaction to it without my emphasis.  I am really looking forward to the comments on this one. ~ Darlene

Here is what Tim wrote;

Here is the sort of verbal theatre dis-played by my parents showing a mark getting made;

“Don’t do that, it’s horrible, you don’t do that, why did you do that? don’t pretend you don’t know, excuse me, how dare you I won’t let you try to begin telling me you don’t even know what you’ve done, because you do, don’t you, of course you do we’ve all told you about this before, haven’t we, in fact too many times, isn’t that right? How many times do I have to tell you people don’t do that, do they, how many people have you seen, none, that’s right so why do you keep doing it ~ other peoples children wouldn’t they would never do anything like it would they, no, so why do you why do you always do it you’re the only one at school like this they tell me they do, your school unless, that friend of yours…. maybe that’s where you pick it all this up from is it, it is, is it? why do you hang around people like that you know other people have been asking me why you decide to behave like this, you know that right so what are we meant to do say what do we tell them, when you won’t tell us that’s a horrible thing to do there concerned, were all concerned about you and we don’t know what to do if you won’t tell us what the problem is are you going to say something now, well, we’re waiting you know by not telling us your lying to us how could you be so selfish, my own child, lies to everybody’s face only a horrible child does that I didn’t raise any horrible children did I, no, that’s right, so why do you do it? Everyone is sick of it, we have all had enough and the lying, how could you, my child my own child lies to my face, I thought only a horrible child would do that, why do you do it? You know better, I taught you, didn’t I, so then why do you always do this? no, its past time you explained yourself people have had enough, and don’t you dare think you can stand here and lie to my face as well, no more, I just don’t know what to do with you I taught you better than this, why do you go on doing this is the sort of thing I don’t understand it you refuse to help me there’s too much going on in my life to put up with it anymore to be honest I always expected this from your sister, not you, never from you, you know better, so why do you keep putting me in this position, I raised you better, and this is how you repay me, behaving like your just some horrible child, everyone will be so disappointed, they will, remember last time, everyone was so… they were all so proud of you, weren’t they everyone was so impressed with you last time they were, and now, they’ll be so upset think about all your cousins they couldn’t wait to see you again, now do you even think about them what will they think when they find out what there cousin does we have to tell them, of course we do I won’t lie to anyone for you that’s a horrible thing to say why would you say that you do to know why,.. yes you do know why, we know you do, don’t we, yes we do, of course we do, we all know, everyone people always know why we do the things we do, don’t we but you already knew that don’t you, so you obviously do it all on purpose because there’s no other reason, is there…. you never think about anyone but yourself do you that’s your problem you’re a horrible little child aren’t you  don’t say that about yourself why would you think that about yourself how could you think that we never said that, we don’t say that, ever, do we? No we didn’t, we just don’t say those things, ..ohh its all forgotten if we said something it’s in the past and all forgotten about, forget about it, people always forget, and it doesn’t mean anything anyway, does it, anyway you know what it meant when I said it, so just give it a rest, for once in your life would you, for me, good thought I would never hear the end of it your problems, who do you think you are everyone has problems, no one complains .. but you. I’m weak, everybody leaves I obviously failed you in some way for you to need to hurt people they left us, you know that don’t you they left me with you because of what yo……. you do it all just to hurt me don’t you, we both know you do, why are you so horrible?”

 – and this goes on and on round and round until your left confused, exhausted and afraid, knowing this attack came with consequences dis-respectfully talking or not talking back afterwards any and all actions are seen as equally punishable offences.

Tim”

 

Thank you Tim for your willingness to share your comment with everyone.

Exposing Truth, One snapshot at a time;

Darlene Ouimet

The Emerging from Broken bookThe Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing” is ready for download! If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, get this book today! This 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to healing.  Get yours here through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

139 response to "Verbal Theatre; A Lecture from an Abusive Parent"

  1. By: Please help me change!! Posted: 9th May 2014

    I have read some of these posts and I am a mother that has talked down to everyone in my house and I feel awful. I was not raised this way and I do not want to be this person anymore… I go to counseling but it does not help. I try everyday not to be so negative but I say bad stuff like “what are you stupid?” or retarded. NO ONE deserves this and I know but it just comes out. Please don’t yell at me but help me while my kids are still young. I do not want to damage them any more then I already have. Some of you may think it is just a matter of not saying something and it is not. It is harder then that and I realize it is a big deal for me to acknowledge this but I do want to change be more positive and make my kids feel better about themselves.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 9th May 2014

      Hi Please Help me Change
      Welcome to EFB
      I admire your courage in admitting that you are one of these moms! The first step to change is always to realize that there is a problem and then the desire to change. There is always a root to this stuff. If you were not raised that way, you might have to look a little deeper for where your reactions come from, but perhaps this website and the articles here may shed some light on that for you. I’m glad you are here!
      Thanks for sharing,
      hugs, Darlene

  2. By: kelly Posted: 12th May 2014

    Please help me change!!
    May 9th, 2014 at 7:56 am
    post 117
    Hi PHMC
    Please read the articles on being your own mother, excellent reading. If you can grab on to one thing it would be to step back take a deep breath then consider what you would want you (as your own mother) to do in each and every situation with your child/ren. They need to be heard and validated and Loved… Please Break the cycle, you can do it!
    Keep on with the reading, too, very important for your well being!
    kelly

  3. By: Gin Posted: 17th June 2014

    What shocked me is that I’ve heard it for as long as I can remember and that, even as an adult, I still am told these things by my parents. I still struggle to understand. I still get lost not knowing what is a thought or a feeling and how to react to either. I can’t believe I’m still hearing it. And I can’t believe I’ve heard it said to other kids, which is infuriating, but I still try to buff it away somehow, or explain it away, or just get away from it while taking it when it has to do with me.

  4. By: kelly Posted: 17th June 2014

    Hi Gin
    Hit the link on 113 it’s all about child abuse, the invisible kind which is probably applicable to your situation. Find out in that website what kind(s) of abuse you might have been subjected to when you were younger then you can start there with rebuilding a Free Life full of Wonder and Excitement. My most favorite saying out of my MNDP’s trap was “You need to see a shrink”, well I am completely happy to say that I was never the one who needed the shrink, she did, then, now, and always. When I had a mental breakdown I did what I was supposed to do for Myself, see a medical expert. Get Help, I did! And that all happened after a very abusive marriage, totally dysfunctional upbringing, and having my daughter separate from me at age 15, she hasn’t come back it’s been almost 15yrs, I love her but it seems as though she got the NDP gene and I can’t help her. I had to NC her a couple of months ago, right after the birth of her second daughter…
    I’m starting to experience a lot of really nice feelings some I didn’t even know what they were, like the butterflies in your tummy feeling, these butterflies represent feelings and when they all get together they cause the tummy feeling…

  5. By: Nancy T Posted: 17th June 2014

    I love that link on 113. If that page was pounded into the heads of every parent alive, and legally enforced, the world would change dramatically for the better.

  6. By: BeAnn Posted: 23rd July 2014

    In one way or another, abusers often isolate their victims, and the victims don’t get enough experiences to learn how to be normal. It is possible to become relatively free, but it takes a lot of worthwhile work inside us. I would disassociate or be in a state of confusion or depression. Exceptions were when something happened to lift my spirits, then they would soar. I was probably mildly bi-polar. Now, I am an old woman and financially strapped to a verbally abusive man. Once I said to myself, “This is chronic abuse and nobody earns abuse,” I began to learn how to be real and like myself enough. I now withhold abuse ammunition by not talking much–not providing much bait. I recognize abuse while it is occurring and am careful not to play the victim’s role–not to even be available unless it’s clearly not practical to get away physically. I couldn’t leave him without suffering for material needs, but I get better and better at preventing his abuse from making me unhappy for very long. Something to keep in mind: It may get a lot worse before it gets better but you have to keep going and not turn back once you decide it is time, at least emotionally, to stop being a willing partner in a very sick game that somebody else controls.

  7. By: Leslie Posted: 28th July 2014

    Thank you for your post Tim.
    I too was under the tyranny of an abusive mother. Her lectures always ended with, “who have you been talking to? That’s not from you, someone has brainwashed you.” Any time that I bucked her it was someone else talking, not me. I wasn’t smart enough to think it up on my own. And when her anger raged, she beat me. So I received both verbal and physical abuse and was emotionally held hostage.

  8. By: Michele Posted: 28th July 2014

    My mother was adopted as an infant. I know she did not have an easy childhood, however she will never say she was abused as she is too proud to admit it. My father left us when I was three and when I was five she married my step-father. He was pretty much hands-off except for the times he would drink and try to intimidate me. Her normal disposition was distant and moody. Her anger would show up out of the blue and I was the one she would take it out on. Now, when I look back at my childhood, all I can remember are the abusive things she did to me. It is extremely difficult as she now acts like it did not happen and puts up the façade of being a “nice” person. The issue is that the same angry person still resides underneath, no matter how much she tries to cover it up.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 29th July 2014

      Hi Leslie
      Welcome to EFB ~ I forgot all about that line “who have you been talking to??”
      Isn’t it interesting how we are groomed to believe that we can’t think on our own, and also that if we DARE to think on our own there WiLL be consequences.
      Thanks for sharing, glad you are here,
      hugs, Darlene

      Hi Michele
      Welcome to Emerging from Broken
      I wish that more parents would be willing to talk to their children (even adult children). Saying it didn’t happen or acting like it never happened, doesn’t mean it never happened!
      Thanks for sharing,
      hugs, Darlene

  9. By: Come On Posted: 29th July 2014

    That is the biggest obstacle to bettering our world; acknowledging and exposing child abuse/neglect. It is taught to us and has become instinctive for us all to ignore every mistake that our parents made and to “respect our parents” at all cost, which is ridiculously counterproductive and harmful. It is a rare occasion when someone actually even acknowledges that they have problems and issues in adulthood that were caused/created from poor parenting or a dysfunctional, abusive, or neglectful upbringing/childhood. Most adults right now are living with unresolved childhood trauma that they blame themselves for. When a child acts out because of the pain of their daily life, they are drugged because the parents ALWAYS blame the child and never look at themselves. It takes immense strength and courage for someone to take a stand against abuse, neglect, and dysfunction. Most mental illness/dysfunctions are very easily passed on from generation to generation because it is impossible for a child to fight against it. Parents have way too much power and children have way too few rights. Not only that but society had conditioned people to be silent about child abuse/neglect and those who speak about it are further mistreated and abused, and usually ostracized. It’s so very clear to those who have identified it but the majority of those in our society are ignorant, blind, and outright corrupt about child abuse/neglect, especially sexual abuse.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 29th July 2014

      Hi “come on”
      Good points! That is the thing that strikes me as so profound ~ the point you make about how very clear it is to those of us who have identified the problem. It is actually LOGICAL when the fog clears and then the key becomes rejecting the reactions of outraged society when we are actually speaking this truth. (that part took me the longest!)
      Thanks for sharing,
      hugs, Darlene

  10. By: Come On Posted: 29th July 2014

    Darlene, I have found that “rejecting the reactions of society” is nearly impossible, but it is totally necessary in order to help abused and neglected children. It is sad how corrupt we all really are when I see how entire communities and families stand behind offenders every single day simply because of fear of being ostracized or condemned. Our world is full of followers, not leaders. Families, society, our community, and our peers are powerful when they stand together and once they turn on you it is almost a lost cause at that point. Abusers know how to easily discredit and defame someone who may try to expose them, and then everyone ostracizes the strong one who stood up to the abuser. Abusers easily create environments where nobody believes anything that the person trying to expose the abuse says. There is power in numbers and abusers know that and pedophiles depend on that. That is why they know how to manipulate our society, the legal system, law enforcement, and social services. There are so many people right now who are being silent about their suspicions of child abuse and/or neglect and that is exactly like participating in the abuse/neglect. Silence is participation and silence is embedded into society therefore our entire society is guilty of enabling and even fueling child abuse/neglect. Law enforcement is ignorant, the courts are ignorant and corrupt and would rather look away than face the child abuse epidemic, and society is conditioned to believe the offender over the victim all day long.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 29th July 2014

      Hi “come on”
      Yes, again, very good comments!
      Yes abusers know how to easily discredit but I know the truth about that too. They hate me for it and I don’t care. I no longer need to be believed by others, (this took a long time!~ I had a huge “proof issue” where I tried endlessly to reason with people who refused to hear the truth and one day I just stopped trying to be heard by the wrong people. I have a saying “they will say what they say, and they will believe what they believe and do what they do” Today I have built a great network of people who ARE interested in the truth and some of them are even trying to stand up for it!
      Please keep speaking the way YOU are speaking! Your comments, points are excellent and insightful!
      Hugs, Darlene

  11. By: Come On Posted: 29th July 2014

    You are wonderful Darlene. I am thinking that one important point that we advocates need to try to start making is the fact that speaking up about child abuse/neglect will entice backlash, anger, abuse, and mistreatment. We were shocked to see how victims and reporters of child abuse/neglect are treated by EVERYONE when they speak out about it. When my sister realized what sexual abuse was she wanted to save the world from it and she tried to speak out and force change, but she was abused and mistreated by everyone, even her own family. She then gave up and is now silent again simply because she was beat into silence by the “wrong people.” There are too many “wrong people” who are running the show and that applies to everything, including politics and our government. The meek and mild mannered follow and are obedient and they become some of our biggest hurdles simply because of that. I have noticed that in dysfunctional families there is sometimes a strong link, someone who cannot take the abuse or dysfunction anymore and stands up and exposes it and fights for their right to a healthy environment. In return they are ostracized and condemned by the rest of the family and by their peers. Most of the time it is not even worth it because of the harm and damage that can come to someone who tries to fight for what is right. But most families don’t have a strong link and the parents run the show and control everyone in it. Unless the cycle is stopped by a strong link in the chain, the mental illness continues. Parents are the ones who are keeping the secrets safe. I feel that parenting is exactly like “grooming”.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 29th July 2014

      Hi Come on,
      It isn’t just ‘like grooming’ It IS grooming! I think that something I had to realize in my healing process was that “they” the parents had a choice if I chose either ‘love, equal value and respect”, OR goodbye that they also could say “goodbye” (and they did) and in my case the cycle has stopped, at least in my little family, the one I have with my husband and our three children. It seems to be that choice, the choice the parents have that keeps so many adult children from standing up to them. The fear of rejection is huge because in childhood, rejection is equal to death. So it is a childhood survival system mode to be afraid to stand up to our parents. I had to do a lot of work on changing that belief before I drew the whole solid boundary in my family of origin.
      I love your posts.
      hugs, Darlene

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 29th July 2014

      p.s. to “come on”
      and YES this problem is a world problem at the level of government, etc. In a nut shell it is the misuse of power that is the problem but here is what I think ~ if the majority are the ones being abused and mistreated, then eventually, the more people who take their power back from the power mongers, and use it correctly, (the proper use of power is to empower) the more people will be empowered to find and use their voices against the misuse of power… ahhh that is my dream anyway! 🙂

  12. By: kelly Posted: 29th July 2014

    http://www.parentalalienation.org/articles/types-alienators.html
    This is also about another kind of abuse that my mnpd has developed while losing part of her supply.
    My mnpd is an “Obsessed alienators have a fervent cause to destroy the targeted parent.” I am now that target and mnpd is using my child & grand children in her circus (with my ex)and bad mouthing me all over again.
    This is a new approach that has been employed by the mnpd as insidious abuse, nobody knows, not even the monkeys in her circus…

  13. By: Anonymous Posted: 12th March 2016

    I’m glad you published this. It brought back so many memories of being in the “crazy house”. I lived through it, plus physical abuse, and left home at 17.

    God was merciful to me in that I found a 12 Step program to help me learn how to cope with life. I learned to set boundaries with my parents. Daddy (an alcoholic) accepted them, but it took him a long time. I was persistent. Adult Children of Alcoholics helped me so much, and I was determined to break those generational curses and hoped to have a happy family one day. It never happened because Mama wouldn’t accept the boundaries. She was nice to the grandkids, but still verbally abused me if we were alone. I learned to never be alone with her.

    Daddy died, and Mama eventually went into a nursing home near me. I visited her faithfully 2-3 times a week, was her advocate, and did my duty as an only child to care for her. She had dementia, and a multitude of physical & mental problems, was blind and deaf. Every time I visited her, she browbeat me, accused me, and cursed me, just like she did for the 17 years I lived at home. I sat with her and listened for ten or fifteen minutes. Then, I would see to her needs, gather her laundry, wash her false teeth, and see that she was being taken care of physically.

    She couldn’t see or hear by then, so she was in her own little, hate-filled world. It was sad to watch and hear. I forgave her every time, because holding onto hate and unforgiveness would hurt me — not her.

    I never was unkind to her. I never argued with her. I watched her reap what she’d sown for the 3 1/2 long, hate-filled, bitter years that she lived in the nursing home.

    When she died, I didn’t cry, and I didn’t for Daddy either. I grieved for their wasted lives, and that they’d never known peace and real love. Long ago, I came to grips with the fact that they couldn’t give what they didn’t have.

    I’ve worked hard to think different, act different, and I believe those evil, twisted ways are dead, along with them.

    I’m thankful that I have a whole new kind of family – all because of God showing me a new way to live. It could have turned out very different.

    • By: Bruised not bleeding Posted: 12th March 2016

      Thank you. I’m so moved by what you shared.

  14. By: Maribeth Posted: 15th March 2016

    Mind boggling! Couldn’t even read it all it made my head spin so bad! Wow!

  15. By: Christie Posted: 8th March 2017

    Replying to the last post by anonmyus. I think being a sinngle child of a N parent is a special hell. I lived alone with my narcissistic foster mom for 3 three yrs. No foster dad or siblings means no witnesses and really adds to u thinking ur nut as no onre ever knows. (forgive my typows, i am physically disabled)

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