To Confront or not to Confront; that is the Question

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to confront or not to confrontThere have been some interesting discussions here in the comments this week on EFB about whether or not to confront abusers.  There are a lot of factors to consider. Confronting an abuser isn’t an easy decision. Many people think that this should be easy but there are dynamics that most people don’t consider. When a family member is the abuser, it may be even harder.

People wonder why survivors of abuse are concerned with “hurting” the abuser. I think that the history of the relationship has to be considered in order to understand that fear. As children we were taught to submit to adults, and to always consider their feelings and never consider our own. We carry this training/grooming with us as we grow up.

My motive for any type of confrontation is for self healing. MINE. But there was a lot of fear. I had to really look at why I was afraid to hurt their feelings and I had to figure out why I was afraid to say anything. Did I feel the need to protect “them”?  Why was I so concerned with the reactions of everyone else?

~I realized that I was raised to consider everyone but me.

~I was so afraid of my mother that I never considered confronting her all those years before I finally did. (I was in my early forties). And it is important to mention that I was not aware that I was afraid of her. In fact, I was shocked to realize that I was deathly afraid of her.

~I was also convinced that the things I was upset about were not valid things for me to be upset about and that I didn’t have any “right” to be upset.  This was especially true when it came to emotional abuse. As a child I believed that my life was not my own. As an adult it had not yet become my own.

~ I didn’t have all of my memories yet either (still don’t have them all) so I questioned myself AND I felt like I was “accusing” with the memories that I did have. All my life I had been told that I made up stories and exaggerated. I wasn’t sure if that was a truth about me, or not. I had a LOT of self doubt to work through before I was ready to stand up for myself. I had to believe my own memories. My mind wanted to deny the memories. They hurt.

~My mother also controlled me with her fragile state of mental health for years. She constantly warned me not to “upset” her. She told me all the time that she “couldn’t take it”. I thought I might send her to the hospital if I said certain things. So as you can see by these points, it gets complicated.

The first thing that I did to draw any kind of a boundary was that I cancelled a family reunion that I had agreed to host here at our farm/ranch. I cancelled it because I found out that the whole family was discussing my right to talk about my childhood with everyone in the world except ME. And for about 8 months straight, they had all been talking behind my back because of something I said to my sister in law.  My brother had phoned everyone to see if I had said anything about him. If he was innocent, what was he afraid I might have said? My mother had already threatened to sue me if I wrote a book.  I wonder what she was so afraid of too.

I felt SO bad about cancelling the reunion. I pride myself on never breaking my agreements and on being a very “nice person”. What would they think? What price would I pay for doing that? I was afraid in the same way that I was always afraid as a child. Afraid of rejection, anger and retaliation, but really, I suffered those consequences all my life when I complied!  What would change if I made them angry?  And I had been treating myself like crap forever but I never considered that cancelling meant that I was taking care of myself for once.

I was afraid that the abuser would be protected and I would be discounted.  We all know where THAT fear came from. That was my reality for years.

A long time went by without contact and then mom phoned me by accident. She told me that she pressed the wrong speed dial button and then she asked if I was willing to talk.  She wanted to work things out by putting them behind us. I said no; that if we were going to have any relationship that we had to talk about a few things first. (I wanted some new ground rules)

I told my mother just three things she had continued to do and say to me that were abusive, disrespectful, degrading and devaluing. I was well along in my emotional healing process when I finally had the courage to say those things.  I am really glad that I got to say them. I said them for me. I said them to HER out loud and with conviction. All three things were present tense things she was doing. The biggest and scariest thing I said to her was that she was no longer allowed to say “well Darlene, you did have a crush on him” in relation to her boyfriend coming into my room when I was a young teen and inferring that I had asked for it. I was shaking like a leaf, but it needed to be said. FOR ME. Today I wonder WHY on earth I was afraid to say that? WHY on earth was she still throwing that in my face?? And if she really believes that I enticed her boyfriend into my bedroom why would I want to be in a relationship with her when that is how she defines me, and regards me??

I had to consider that my mother never thought about anything that she did or how that impacted me. She put herself first at my expense. I am no longer afraid of the consequences of taking care of myself and I am willing to do whatever I need to do to maintain my emotional health. If that includes setting new ground rules or if that includes telling someone why they are no longer welcome in my life, then so be it.  And if that includes walking away without giving an explanation, then that is fine too. This is MY life now.

I did not confront anyone in an abusive way. I might be angry but I know that anger and abuse are not one and the same.  This is a very important point for survivors to hear; Confrontation does not make me abusive! I was so afraid that I would be “just like her” if I expressed my hurt and anger. Because she constantly expressed her hurt and anger towards me.

My mother’s reaction to whatever I say is not my problem. All my life I worried about her fragile mental health while she destroyed mine. Now I take care of me and doing so has been a huge part of my recovery. I don’t feel that I should have to worry about the effect of anything I do will have on her. I would not abuse her in anyway. But today I don’t think that saying those things is wrong. I don’t think that it is love towards her to pretend it didn’t happen and let her stay in her denial.  I think that if my mother actually faced her part in my life that she might also be able to face her own childhood history and emerge from broken. I honestly wish that she would find the same freedom that I have found by facing her own truth.

As time went on I felt better and better that I had finally stuck up for myself. I spoke the truth. What could possibly be wrong with that? All my life my mother had this whole song and dance routine about how I am this “ungrateful daughter”. That she did her best; that she “never wanted to be a single parent” as though that was the whole problem and that as though that statement explained and excused her from all accountability. What about BEFORE she became a single parent?  I finally said “whatever” I am not buying it anymore.  I finally stopped drinking the poison kool-aid!

And one last note; Abusers are not the ones with the blocked out memories about what they did.  Although most of the time they deny it, they KNOW what they did. All I am doing in confronting them is telling them that I know what they did too. I am making a statement; “what you did was wrong. I didn’t deserve it.”  I felt so alone with my secrets. I had been wronged and when I said those few things to my mother that day, I finally felt like she had to live with it too now. She could not stay in the same denial anymore, believing that she had a “right” to do whatever she wanted or treat me however she chose to.

Please share your thoughts;

Darlene Ouimet

The Emerging from Broken book is ready for download! If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, get this book today! This 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to healing.  Get yours here through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

~ More related posts ~ my coping method failed and depression increased

~Standing up to dysfunctional Relationship

 

 

 

178 response to "To Confront or not to Confront; that is the Question"

  1. By: Ambika Nag Posted: 21st November

    Dear Darlene,
    your post resonated so deeply with my own feelings right now. At 42, I have now entered therapy following the utter disregard and minimizing by my family of my sexual abuse by my brother. Through therapy I am realizing how much my NPD mother controls my emotions – I suffer from low self esteem, am not in touch with my emotions, which have been manipulated beyond belief by my family. I have been asked to keep quiet about the abuse (I told my parents 6years ago and sent an email to my brother). I feel horrible for having to protect the abuser this way, as this would hurt him and his family!! There is no thought for me – this is my own hell. Your post gives a lot of relief – that I am not the only one made to feel crazy by their family. With help from my therapist, I am slowly taking baby steps to reclaim who I really am !!

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 25th November

      Hi Ambika
      Welcome to EFB!! It is so discounting when the people who are supposed to love us put the protection on the abuser! It is so painful.
      Thanks you for sharing and yay for taking those steps to reclaim who you really are!
      Hugs, Darlene

  2. By: Maria Posted: 19th July

    Dear Darlene,

    I was finally coming out of the fog, and finally could verbalize one of the heaviest burdens I had carried around for 35 years, which was being blamed for being the cause of my mother’s suicide attempt. (Nobody else knows that she blamed me one day, in fact very few people are aware (incl my two brothers) that she attempted to take her own life (or set it up to look so, which is bad enough). I have very little contact with her now, but we do sometimes send Private messages via FB. I finally had the courage to bring it up with her. My heart was pounding and all the blood drained from my face, when I hit the send button on the message about that terribly heavy burden. I was afraid of all the usual reasons. But I also felt a huge relief. I HAD VERBALIZED to my abuser, what her abuse had left in me, her only daughter. I was afraid she would rail against me, afraid she would deny things, afraid she would ignore my message; but I did not expect her response: ” I don’t recall anything from that time, so I can’t help you!”………..Nothing about being sorry for all that pain it seemed to have caused me (no need for her to have a memory of it, as I just told her, what it did to me….she didn’t take my truth as truth for me…she had to remember in order to be able to validate my feelings, not that that would ever happen!!) It was degrading , dismissive, devaluing……so deeply disappointing. I did not expect an apology, but I did expect some sort of ….I don’t know….i just didn’t expect that reaction, or lack thereof. I had been thinking about, if there was ONE thing I would chose to bring up with her while she is still alive….and I had picked that. I was very brave to tell her; but the story ended on a flat note (again, again, again) confirming and reconfirming her complete disinterest or lack of interest…..sad! Thank you dearly for all you do, your posts keep me going.

  3. By: mitra Posted: 18th July

    Thank you so so much love you.

  4. By: mitra Posted: 18th July

    What would you say if you were molested by your sister at the age 3-4. For over 50 years she did all kinds of nasty talk about you but you would still close your mouth. Once after 50 years she would decide to prove to her husband how crazy you are so she would call you ( having her husband next to her)and tell you the whole world knows how crazy and dirty you are because you told everybody that you were raped by your father. So you would say my father never touched me. She would ask in a rude manner that who then did any thing to you and you would say YOU DID. What was the reply then OH YOU HAVE A GOOD DAY. She then hanged up the phone.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 18th July

      Hi Mitra
      I personally would say that your sister is abusive and sick. I would say that it is really important for you to reject the ways that she has defined you.
      Welcome to Emerging from Broken ~ I hope you will read more of this website. (there are 450 articles and my e-book that will help you to move forward by seeing the truth.
      Hugs, Darlene

  5. By: Scott Posted: 1st August

    Long story short,my mother got upset that I was moving out of her and my stepdads (a-hole) house,and yelled”I Never wanted YOU,your father raped me!” I was NUMB. Didnt know how to respond. Just kept packing and never looked back. My sister was living in LA at the time and ran me down to see how” i was doing?” What do you say to that? She said mom called me and told me what she said.I was 22 at the time,I am now 48 and it still makes me hurt inside,knowing that the ONE person on this earth that would always be there for you wants nothing to do with you.I have been with the same women since I was 21 I am a father to a now 19 year old boy. He has never seen us fight ,be abusive,or drink,we dont smoke or do drugs of any kind. When he sees his friends parents “act out” he cant believe people actually live like that. Dont get me wrong were not perfect,we are however Catholics (raised) but dont practice. That was my moms response to not aborting, Catholicism,and it was the mid 60’s blah,blah,blah. I have NEVER and would NEVER say something that hurtful to anybody!She and my step father and sister and her 16 year old daughter live in Vegas they support them because shes divorced and stepdads well to do. So I get to hear ALL the stories through family how shes got a BENZ,doesnt work,bought grand daughter a horse and keeps it at a stable,private school,etc. Which angers my wife to no end, when we both work 60+ a wk. we recently lost my mother- in -law to a heart attack, as I was telling my father in law that I was closer to them than my own parents and started to cry,he said ” I love you as if you were MY own son”. Months later we talked about the night she passed,he said “dont feel bad for me,I got the perfect ,wife ,mother,partner,for almost 44 years,thats pretty good!” “I feel bad for you!” I asked why .I didnt know my wife had told them after it happened,and my mother in law cried throughout the night.He said “I feel worse for you, to have a “religious” mother, to sat that to her only son, is unforgivable”! Hes old school Mexican,strong willed,tough exterior,gruff,but an old -softy,he started to “tear-up” and walked away. He came back a little later and just hugged me and sobbed! He said ” I wish I could hug your pain away mijo”! And just held me , this coming from a 68 year old vietnam vet,who is not my blood but loves me as if i was.I dont understand how my own flesh and blood could say and do the things they do and be ok with their actions and the go to church. Frosty ( mother) likes to call to hear how were struggling and say “K GOTTA GO !” Were meeting people at the club for dinner. Then I hear through family shes told what we discussed,THEY show concern and offer help but I wont give Frosty the satisfaction. Isnt that SICK! To relish in your own childs struggles/hardships. Just like to hear from some REAL MOMS. HURT TIL IM IN THE DIRT IN MONTANA.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 2nd August

      Hi Scott
      Welcome to EFB
      I hear you! So much of your story sounds so familiar! This entire site is about how I took my life back and healed.
      you are not alone! Thank you for sharing,
      hugs, Darlene

    • By: Christian B. Posted: 21st August

      I understand a lot if your pain. My mother claimed my father raped her. Now I honestly find my father to be one of the best people I know. I can’t say if he did or didn’t and I can’t say he wasn’t worse back then and had a change that changed him for the rest of his life. All I do know is when they were married he had plenty of health problems cause by the anxiety my mom gave him and the brainwashing she did. She even tried to make me believe my father touched me even though I have no memories of this and I also feel happier and more comfortable around him than her. I know he never did anything to me. I love my mother but she nearly mentally ruined me by telling me she “could have aborted me”. I retorted instantly “why didn’t you”. I was finally angry because I had done everything she had ever asked of me and I would get crapped on in return. It was one of the first times I realized my mom wasn’t the person she made herself out to be. I still have her voice in my head telling me I’m useless and worthless etc. Its a difficult thing to change.

  6. By: CMS Posted: 22nd April

    My sister stole my sons big screen TV along with my sound system that just happens to be connected to it. She has a long standing history of taking whatever she wants and getting my parents to go along with her. We have been asking for our property since January and at first she agreed, then gradually became more difficult and then accusatory and abusive. With each of our request for our property, my life long abusers were called by her repeatedly. She began accusing my son of theft (because that is what SHE DOES and is DOING) in entrapping others into her lies gave her more ammunition and power. Now ALL the family is believing her lies and the accusations, gossip goes on and on. My son finally gave her what she wanted- his TV. SHE WON AGAIN.
    I know he was trying to just end all the abuse screaming lies and grief (he saw me enduring – all this had gone on for years in my adult life- they have all been stealing from me. And I have been the scapegoat – the BAD one- the difficult child- and NO ONE likes me- and now they think my son is bad.) because they find it easier to believe the lies about me so why not my children too? It is so hard for me to see him give in and be afraid to confront- but WHY- when the is what I have done also- but as I begin to come out of the fog I find myself wanting to protect him from them- I don’t want my children to have to go through most of their lives to see these truths and break free. My mom is a master at dividing..my sister and brother are very abusive people. My dad is too. My mom enables their abuse as does my dad. They have my daughters fooled. They buy gifts and put on their lying faces and just don’t get it. My own daughters are not treating me well. My sister has been a big part in dividing and conquering and taking what is mine- my ideas, friends, children, property. I am so sick of my birth family. I want my children to stand up and see the truth.
    I so wish we could all move far away from my birth family. I pray my childrens eyes are opened sooner rather than later. My abusive parents and siblings have done enough to try and ruin my family…

  7. By: Donna Posted: 13th February

    Hi, this is kind of late, but my mother died, and finally realized that she was a narcasttic. my mother cut me and my sister out of the will. I want to confront the golden boy about this, he thinks he deserved everything, because we disconnected a few years back, never mind the fact we put up with her abuse for years, that he has forgotten. I swear my mom’s soul is inside his body. I don’t want the money, I knew I was out of the will years ago, she loved to tell me that. However there were some things from the house I would like, like some pictures, and some things my children express interest in, nothing of value, something to remember my dad mostly. Mostly though I want to tell him I am sick of the way he is treating us, but if I do that, surely I will get nothing. Double edged sword, and I can’t do both. sometimes I feel like I should just drop it. What do you think I should do?

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 14th February

      Hi Donna
      Sometimes we have to fight for what is right and sometimes we are not strong enough, only you know. I can’t make any decisions for you about this but I wish you strength for doing what will be the most supportive of your needs and feelings here.
      Hugs, Darlene

  8. By: trave Posted: 21st October

    My therapist says there was abuse (psychological) throughout my childhood. My sibling disagree. I an sure there was even though i do not remeber much ( or the worst of it) I need to confront my dad this week since i have dbeen putting it off for the last 5 weeks due to huge amounts of fear. fear due to him possibly telling my mum and she telling my 2 bros and all denying and she retaliating. she is the poblem i an scared of her even though i always feel huge guilt to think badly about her.
    She causes huge hassles between me and my wife since she manages to twist me against her.
    My wife isnt easy either but she tries so hard to make things work. her mum is much much much worse than mine but at the moment i am the one in therapy. So we are woking on me. She is next since our kids need non toxic parents. It is so difficult. i wish and cry that finally I can break out of this toxic circle.

    You people are so brave. Thanks for this blog which has helped me immensely.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 21st October

      Hi Trave
      Welcome to emerging from broken
      It doesn’t matter who agrees or disagrees with you if you were abused. It only matters what YOU think. And I didn’t have many memories when I started and when I realized just how much I HAD been abused and neglected.
      She causes problems between you and your wife… that is enough for you to know something. Keep reading here. There are tons of insights and answers to HOW I healed from all this stuff.
      Hugs, Darlene

  9. By: Rose Posted: 6th July

    I haven’t confronted my mother about her abuse because she’s flat out crazy and it’d be a heck of a lot like picking on the mentally handicapped. It might make me feel better for a moment, but she’d be absolutely devastated and would just not understand my feelings. I think in some cases the abuser needs to be confronted and action taken. Were I in this state of mind as a child I would have called DCF and documented the abuse, but now that her previous actions don’t haunt anyone but her I’m letting it go. I ended up on this site trying to find a way to discuss with her why I am refusing to marry in the church, and after reading all these posts I’m reminded that it really doesn’t matter what she thinks, I’ll just tell her I don’t want to be married and left the man in question and she can then choose whether or not to accept it. Either way it isn’t going to be any skin off my nose and I don’t want to confront her when it wouldn’t do a damn thing for me but cause a crapstorm (sorry for the language) in our very large, very *outspoken* family.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 6th July

      Hi Rose
      It has been so important for me to validate the damage that was caused to me and to heal from that damage. It doesn’t matter if she understands or not ~ OR if she is handicapped or not. I had to learn to be there for me however that looks.
      You are right, it doesn’t matter what she thinks, it is your life. I had to find a way to take my life back.
      Hugs, Darlene

  10. By: Mitzi Posted: 4th January

    Well once again Darlene you spoke as if you were telling my story! When I finally quit allowing the family member that had sexually abused me in my life there were so many different feelings that came along with it, but all in all, after 2 years have passed now, I know I did the right thing. I quit allowing him in my life which meant, I quit allowing him to think that it was okay for what he did to me. In the process, I lost ever single family member. I was even told by my own mother that I was just trying to destroy his marriage. His youngest sister said that she knew I was lying, and remembered how often I had commented on how handsome he was. My very best friend, his other sister didn’t admit for over a year that she knew it had happened. But without saying it out loud, I know she blames me. She actually convinced me, for the sake of his marriage, to call his wife and tell her I made it all up, which I did. So now, the whole family who didn’t believe me in the first place has been given complete validation by my own words. It just made me sick. I feel sick just writing this, knowing that once again I was manipulated to excuse his behavior. I can’t even write any more..this is bringing me to tears.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 4th January

      Hi Mitzi
      Well you are not alone with this either. I am heartsick for what you have been through and for what you were forced to do; all of it was abuse and the misuse of power. Being called a liar is a re abuse. Being convinced to take your accusation back is yet another re abuse. You have been abused all the way around. It makes me sick too, but it isn’t your fault. Time for you to validate you Mitzi. You can get past this. All these people live in and support a sick system. The very one that we are leaving behind because we know there is a better way now.
      Thank you for being here. Thank you for sharing that. I know this is extremely painful and hard.
      Love Darlene

  11. By: Martha Posted: 25th July

    Kellie.

    I can relate to everything you are saying.

    No.We don’t have to give them closure; play the games, go through the triangulation with them and other people, where one day you think people have one stance, and the next they switch their opinions and actions. One thing I have discovered when dealing with some people; with the best of intentions, I sometimes wind up being the ‘villain’ of the piece, and don’t know how I got there.

    WE get to do closure in our time and our way. If other people want to play games, they can go for it. For me, as healthy as I believe it is to be transparent with people; I have decided only with a very few I trust will I do that anymore. For those who have not been open or transparent with me, while saying they were, I owe them nothing.

  12. By: Kellie Posted: 25th July

    Dealing with this today as I received a text yesterday from the offending person — am I EVER going to talk to her again. “Please, just put my mind at ease with a yes or a no.”

    I have been studying on this all evening and all this morning. My first thought is, “how has 7 months of complete silence escaped your notice?”

    My second thought is, “You said you were ‘done’ with me, now just do what you said and leave me the *&^% alone!”

    My third thought is, “Why is it MY job to put YOUR mind at ease?” and this is where I settle. This person left my life in a huff and made sure that any mutual acquaintances would have nothing more to do with me by telling a vicious lie about the situation. I was content to rest with the person finally away from me and had no need or desire to set her house on fire the way she did mine. Besides that, she told me all the reasons I was a bad person and said she was, literally, done with me. So, here she is, back again, begging for my attention and all I want to do is be finished with the whole situation. It isn’t the first time she has hurt me deeply, lied about me or to me, and/or falsely accused me of wrongdoing toward her. Well, I guess it would help to know that this is my mother we are talking about. Years and years and years of inappropriate behaviors, lying, manipulation, and finally, the last straw and she was done with me! Haha. It sounds a little funny when I think about it. She was driving me crazy! And she was done with me. Well, I am satisfied with that conclusion. But, now the childish behaviors — texting me and calling my house and trying to force me to talk to her again. What for?! So she can set me on fire one more time? (I do not mean a literal fire.) So she can introduce me to more nice people only to later tell them what a toad I am and how mean and cruel and heartless I am. I feel like I’m being used to garner some form of bizarre sympathy from people outside our family (pretty sure our own family is onto her). Sympathy for what? She talks about having the “perfect childhood”. What in the world does she need me for? I’m sick of it! I just want to be left alone.

    I didn’t respond to the text, and this morning, I blocked her number (again — she had cleverly switched cell phones with my dad a few months ago and it took me a few texts to realize that it wasn’t him any more). I don’t know why a parent feels it is their child’s responsibility to make them feel good about themselves. It isn’t. The Lord did not put me on this earth to make a hero out of my mom (and believe me, she’s no hero). I just have no words for the level of frustration that I feel and also I hate that I feel a little dirty for not wanting to talk to my own mom. I think that’s just a result of years of conditioning. But, I am determined to stand my ground. I’ve already lost so much to her — why should I risk more? Nothing that she brought to my life made having her in it worthwhile. I hate to say that, and I hate that the world at large would condemn me for it, but it’s the truth and I have to put it down somewhere besides my own private journal.

    Darlene, you talk about apologies that don’t really say I’m sorry. This is a twisted one indeed. For all the years of being used and sometimes abused, and then she’s done with me, and now she just can’t have peace of mind unless I say out loud, “I don’t want to talk to you any more.” Bull spit! I am so angry!

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 25th July

      Hi Kellie
      Well GOOD FOR YOU! In most cases it is just best not to engage! I agree. You don’t have to let her off the hook about any of it. You don’t have to give HER closure.
      Thank you for sharing. I consider this to be a victory post!
      Hugs, Darlene

  13. By: Susan Kingsley-Smith Posted: 22nd July

    Darlene; I’ve followed this situation from a distance and don’t have all the details…and all I can say is I appreciate your consciousness of safety issues here while still respecting everyones right to self expression. I think the lines get blurry once we move from self expression to telling others what to do, think or say. Name calling is definitely not helpful and blaming others by justifying and explaining ones own actions is never helpful. It is never the place of another to speak their truth at the expense of another. Advice unasked for is not advice and is most often unhelpful. And that is the main thing I appreciate about EFB – that we can share our stories without being questioned, minimized or doubted. We don’t have to defend ourselves or explain anything. We are valued and validated. We are trusted to find our own way, we learn from sharing our stories of pain and of our hope. I know this situation has been uncomfortable and I certainly wish everyone concerned the best and that we can each see the truth within ourselves and let others see and find their own within themselves.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 23rd July

      Hi Susan
      Thanks for your support and for all the wonderful things you have said here about my intentions, my blog, my work and my heart. I feel understood and supported 🙂
      Hugs, Darlene

  14. By: Joy Posted: 22nd July

    Dear Darlene
    You know your heart, Darlene, you only are wanting to do for all us, the best you can; and even when we try to do our best things happen. I feel in your writing the difficulty and am sorry you have to go through it but I know you can because you have been through so much more. I am so inspired by you; and what you wrote to apologize: shows such a greatness about you . .you are so so good. am so honored to know you. I You have done all you can in this . situation . you are so so good

    joy

  15. By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 22nd July

    Thank you Joy
    This situation has been very difficult.
    Hugs, Darlene

  16. By: joy Posted: 21st July

    Darlene
    What a wonderful example of leadership you are. What wonderful example you are. ..It takes a very great person to say when a mistake has been made. You never cease to edify and inspire me .Thank you for continuing to light the way. We all make mistakes but to admit it on notice of the mistake is nobility of spirit.

    Love you
    Hugs

    Joy

  17. By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 21st July

    Regarding my comment #136 ~I just put this PS in it for all those following this thread. I am talking about the situation where one of the readers here was accused of “blasting” other readers here on Emerging from Broken ~

    I am very sorry, I made a mistake with this whole thing. I finally found the comments that were in question and I was wrong. The person who was sharing on Lynn Tolson’s guest post was NOT repeating or blasting anyone about the situation on Facebook ~ she was in fact sharing her distress over what SHE had done on facebook. I am so sorry to that person for NOT going and finding those comments BEFORE I wrote comment #139. I have hurt her deeply by missing the truth here; She admits her involvement with the FB situation and regrets it too, but she did not do anything mean or even revealing against other people on this blog. I am so sorry that I messed this whole thing up. I will try harder in the future to keep this blog a safer place for everyone.

    If anyone wants to read the comments that I am talking about ~ they are on Lynn Tolsons Guest Post, comments #56, # 57, #58 and #60 ~ you are welcome to read them and form your own opinion. Everyone involved in this has corresponded with me privately, so please, if you don’t know what I am talking about, rest assured it isn’t about you.
    Again, to all those involved, (or anyone who has followed this situation) I am deeply sorry for my mistake. I dropped the ball here, which has caused harm to a few people, and there is NOTHING that I try harder NOT to do then to try NOT to cause harm to my readers.

    With Love and respect to all of you,
    Darlene

  18. By: joy Posted: 20th July

    @Pinky:

    So true.. there was nothing healthy about my pasts and am grateful for the healthy support and lessons in truth I get here..

    joy

  19. By: Pinky Posted: 20th July

    @Joy that is one reason why this blog is so healthy. There are many in our pasts who are so unhealthy and opposed to growth and truth! It is nice to get support for truth when we are seeking and living it!

  20. By: joy Posted: 20th July

    pinky

    THanks for your kindly words…and sorry for your pains and continued.. sufferings.. I feel deeply your hurt.. One of my abusers also was in jail for sexual crimes but is now out.

    My criminal abuser is praised by my other abuser . my mom… He is hailed a saint and recipient of all my other abuser’s love ( mom’s love) It makes me confused how she can put me down the way she does while praising him as one of the best children.

    It makes me feel awful. that my dysfunctional family sees immorality as good while a life lived doing good things as bad..

    I am going through some hard times right now.
    .

  21. By: Pinky Posted: 20th July

    @Joy I did not read this whole thread but just read what was addressed to me and the sadness on your birthday so sorry to hear it! tears and hugs I thought I saw something addressed to me from Lynda but now I cant find it.
    I actually signed on because I wanted to vent. Besides abusers and their enablers, there are so many “well meaning” people who are not directly involved but who cant think outside the box. I have shared before I had 2 abusers (sexually) my mom abused me but not sexually so I dont get into that here much but anyway one of my abusers made a carer out of sex crimes and went to jail not for raping me but others and he is out. His control tactic that he uses to control out mutual friends is she is still mad at me living in the past if she really moved on then we could be friends and people fall for it. Not wanting a rapist in my life does not mean I am living in the past but they all believe that. He is not a family member and we were never close. He just happens to be a popular guy and uses that against me. IT is beyond me why anyone would want to be friends with a rapist. Nothing I say to them gets through because they are so programmed to think like that. So I have to cut contact.

  22. By: dave bockman Posted: 19th July

    What an unbelievably thoughtful & helpful article– thank you so much for sharing your path towards healing from trauma.

    Dave

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 20th July

      Hi Dave,
      Thank you for your compliment. I am glad that you like this post.
      Hugs, Darlene

  23. By: joy Posted: 17th July

    Patricia

    I try not to; but you know a man i cared for took his life and he was buried on my birthday and john denver my favorite singer died on my birthday.. .. many bad things have happend on most my birthdays..coincidences?

    Joy

  24. By: Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker Posted: 17th July

    Joy, your mother was very wrong in the things that she said to you. You bring light to everywhere that you go. Your poetry brings healing to all who read it. Please don’t believe what she said to you.

  25. By: joy Posted: 17th July

    Patricia

    Mom used to say where ever I was bad luck followed nothing good would come to a place that had me around. .:( I know am not responsible for all the worlds problems but many times if there are problems . and I hear of it I begin to get very afraid. Every time there was something wrong I got beat. even if I wasnt around to do it . I was to blame I am bad . am black sheep . .. so she said.

    joy

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