The Purpose of facing the Past and Childhood History

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abusive family In my blog post “Take the good with the Bad or the Bad with the Good?” I talked about my feelings regarding not sharing anything positive about my childhood. The post itself was inspired by a reader on facebook who commented that the conversation was too negative and that I/we should be able to say something good, specifically about my father.

It got me to thinking about what emerging from broken is all about.  EFB is about emotional healing from the damage caused by people who did not have my best interests at heart. This site is about facing the truth that we have never been allowed to face, such as childhood history; how we were discounted, mistreated, devalued and not heard and the problems that manifested because of those things.   Emerging from broken is about the process I went through as an adult. It’s about how I found my voice and took my life back. It isn’t really a place to come and get your warm fuzzies however there is a ton of love, acceptance and support here so maybe there are some warm fuzzies after all.

My emotional healing is not about my parents. It doesn’t matter how messed up they were by their own pasts, it is about the damage that was caused to me regardless of how messed up they were. My emotional healing is all about me and I finally believed that I deserved to have it. But first I had to realize that the beginning of emotional healing was about understanding what happened TO ME.

I had to tell someone what happened to me, so that I could acknowledge to myself that I had been abused, that I had been unprotected that I had not been loved in the true definition of the word “love”. I had to set aside my loyalty issues, stop worrying about the ways that others would react if I faced this stuff, I finally realized that it was self valuing to do this work after a life time of agreeing with my oppressors that I had no value because I was treated as though I had none.  Because my value was not shown to me or taught to me, I believed that I must not have any.

I had been defined by the ways that others treated me. I believed that I didn’t deserve more then what I received and that it was because I wasn’t enough. When my mother disciplined me because she was in a bad mood, I believed that I had caused the bad mood. Therefore I concluded that I was bad. I believed that I upset people.  Everyone else’s reactions and attitudes “defined me” as “the problem” and I had to realize that these definitions about myself were not true. They were all lies tightly woven into the very fabric of my belief system and they all started in childhood. My teacher picked on me, and when no one listened to me about it (and combined with other things that were also going on in my life, and other incidents where I had been dismissed) I believed that I was an irritation to her and that the problem had something to do with me. Those were all the conclusions that I had come to in my young life. And it carried on from there; even when my boyfriend cheated on me, I believed it was because I was not “enough” for him.  After years of being defined as the problem, it didn’t take much for me to accept that it was always “me” who needed to try harder. But that was a lie and I had to take a look at that lie through a new lens.

I was so sick and life was so worthless that I got to the point (in recovery) where it didn’t matter what anyone said or thought about me anymore. I didn’t care about who believed me or didn’t believe me anymore.  I knew the basic truth and I had to give myself credibility in order to begin the healing process. I HAD to stop protecting the people who discounted me all along.  In doing that was I was able to face and embrace the rest of the truth. This was not my shame, and what happened to me was NOT my responsibility, but that it was my responsibility to face it and heal.

Emotional healing isn’t about forgiveness, although self forgiveness played a big part, and forgiveness of others came as a result. It was more like I had to just “transcend” the whole forgiveness issue while I concentrated on the actual facts about myself. Emotional healing isn’t about blame, although putting the responsibility back where it belonged was necessary. I give examples of just how my self esteem was torn down.  I give examples of the ways that caused me to think and believe that I was not important and that I was not worthy, in order to show how getting broken in the first place occurs.  I had to see how I got broken in the first place in order to heal.  That was how it worked for me so that is what I talk about. I share what worked for me after so many years of trying things that didn’t work for me.

All my life I beat myself up for being unhappy and ungrateful. I tried every single method out there for positive thinking and attitude change. I ignored the past, and pretended that I was so lucky to have the parents that I had. I had a “privileged upbringing”, but I didn’t face that it never once helped me! I stole my clothes when I was a teenager because my mother wouldn’t give me money for them while she bought herself glamorous evening gowns and told me she was broke.  I created a fantasy about my childhood reality and I believed it. I pretended for years that I loved everyone and everyone loved me, but my depressions only got worse.  It was when I started to look at the truth, that my depressions came from “somewhere” and that things were not so great, that my parents “status” never benefited me and that in truth they didn’t actually “bother” with me. I faced the truth that I had in fact never been treated in a way that would have caused me to grow and flourish with self worth and self respect. And THEN I began to heal.

Emerging from Broken is about the process of recovery. It is about a method of emotional healing that works. It is about facing the past instead of trying to block it out and avoid thinking about it.  It is not about sweeping things under the carpet to protect the reputations or the feelings of the very people that did so much damage in the first place.

It turns out that the key to positive thinking and high self esteem is in facing the lies and realizing the truth.

Please share your thoughts;

The truth set me free;

Darlene Ouimet

The Emerging from Broken book is ready for download! If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, get this book today! This 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to healing.  Get yours here through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

 

 

 

140 response to "The Purpose of facing the Past and Childhood History"

  1. By: Jenny Posted: 12th July

    Darlene,

    Fabulous points….no one could say it any better!!! Facing the truth is truly the road less traveled in my family of origin….it is so difficult to be one of only two people who are fighting to make it out of the dysfunction. It is like being the captain of a ship without ever having one sailing lesson…sometimes very lonely and sometimes very rewarding….hugs…

  2. By: carol Posted: 12th July

    my mother and i swapped letters about 15yrs ago, and it resulted in me not speaking ot her for 5 years. we started speaking and got on fine at first, but over the years the old emotional abuse and controlling ways started to surface. unfortunately fo rher i had grown beyond her total control and did not allow her to get away with her comments and actions, pointing out calmly and not so calmly that i was an adult and as such ahd the right to live my life how i want and not as she wants. i mean, look at the success you made of that mother. ooo she didnt like the truth as i now see it. she surely didnt like my accusation that she was more like her own mother than she realised, but that was met with disbelief because she had lent us kids money. mmm i really did not know what to say to that one, but i found my voice very quickily to tell her that if i was a total stranger i would get more respect and support than i do as her daughter, just like her mother had done to us. her inability to love 3 children equally and consistently has put all of us through the mangle many a time, yet we always went back. now i choose not to see her, i communicate so that my child can carry one her relationship, which is not as bad as mine, and be polite if i run into to her by accident. just like i would a stranger. i still get the gut wrenching spasms when i run into her and i hope that jolt will fade but as long as it is there it is better for us to be strangers rather than parent-child.

  3. By: Kate Posted: 12th July

    yeah, I got one together for my dad last night, don’t know if I’ll write or send:

    Dear Dad,
    Remember that junior high friend you wouldn’t allow me to have anymore because she used profanity? So the only friends I could have from that point on were church friends and church activities, where the real idol God talk happened…church college, a real hiding ground for abuse, and after twenty years of marriage to one of these Christian graduates, and marriage to the “church” and to your admonitions, dad, to not get divorced, to stay and do what’s best for the children, and to not worry about his spending, just be a godly wife (PEEEEEUUUUUKKKEE) you, my dad, tell me that I have to admit MY part in staying with the ex for so long and going along with his spending problems, etc,…and when my old friend from junior high heard about my ex-husband after all these years, she says, “random game player..” SO quick to point it out and so accurate, but because I was hiding in the church, for MANY years, had NOBODY that could give me that kind of feedback. You know, dad, it would have been a whole lot better for me if you would have said that you prefer I don’t use profanity, and asked me what I liked about this girl in junior high, and I could have told you…but you didn’t ask, and I could have stayed friends with her, a stronger person, and we both could have benefitted, and our families would have benefitted, but no, because she was a catholic, and not a protestant, it was all too easy to just write her off…

  4. By: Kim Posted: 12th July

    Lynda~ Yay to the letter. Yay for you feeling lighter!
    Kim

    Thank you to Susan KS- your post was helpful to me.

    Kim

  5. By: Pinky Posted: 12th July

    @Lynda, I am so very happy for you! It is an accomplishment for us tall too in the sense of all of us being survivors. I am so glad you were able to do it while she is still alive!
    You write so well that I knew it would flow once you made up your mind! Doing the happy dance! I also posted your quote on both of my pages!

  6. By: carol Posted: 12th July

    wow what a discussion,
    vicki, i have found that i have the same problem you have, connecting the intellectual to the emotional sides of my being. this is because i though if i could understanf why and how it happened, that logically i would be healed, didquite work that way.
    i was 17 when i fisrt started to realise my chhildhood was different to others, and i am now 43 and stil in the healing process. i have dealt with smaller issues as they became crisises and yet still find i cannot join the dots to make me whole.
    healing is a long road for some people and a short one for others, it usually depends on how easy it is to change how you think and behave. for rme my coping skills kept me going around in circles. knowing what i wanted to do but not being able to se how it got done in reality, and i still struggle with this. probably i will have some kind of struggle my whole life as new memories rise to the surface as the old ones lose their weight and pain.

  7. By: Risé Posted: 12th July

    Lynda! I rejoice with you, girl! Emancipation tastes sweet doesn’t it?! It’s amazing how just writing can do that … even when I wrote the letter to my family last summer – granted it was about 16 pages – but the freedom that came from that is INDESCRIBABLE!! I didn’t realize how much in bondage I was until I confronted my family in a letter, taking the risk of being rejected. And now, I can live in freedom because truth was revealed. Great big fat HUGS to you, Lynda!

  8. By: Kate Posted: 12th July

    Lynda,
    YAY for enough!

  9. By: Lynda ~ Out Of The cRaZy Closet Posted: 12th July

    PS~ I thought I had to write about E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G that my mother had ever said or done or failed to do, that HURT me. To write every single thing, WOULD have filled it at LEAST 100 pages. To remember, and laboriously spell out, in detail, EVERY ABUSE, would most certainly have taken me many HARD MONTHS to write.

    But what I found out, once I started writing, was that I don’t NEED to spell out EVERYTHING. All I needed to do, was write ENOUGH. I wrote ENOUGH.

    I’m so psyched~ I feel like a TEN TONS have been lifted off my back.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 12th July

      Lynda
      This is great news! I am so happy for you! I totally understand the liberation you feel and I too didn’t need to say “everything” just enough. I am publishing a blog post tomorrow about my own exp. of drawing a verbal boundary with my mother. I only mentioned 3 things, (and none of it was about the past, just the present) but it was enough for me to realize that I had VALIDATED ME. I stood up for me. I did for myself what she never did. If my mother sent me a letter like your mother did, I would have more to say; I would like to say a few things about the past, but for now it is enough.
      Thank you for sharing your amazing victory with us!
      Hugs, Darlene

  10. By: Lynda ~ Out Of The cRaZy Closet Posted: 12th July

    OH MY GOSH,… I DID IT! I wrote the WHOLE letter! I said everything that I needed to say to my mother, everything I needed to say, FOR ME, for my own well-being. I wrote and I rewrote and I wrote some more, for HOURS, after reading Susan’s awesome comment #94, which gave me the KEY that finally UNLOCKED my many months of Writer’s Block.

    I thought that once I finally got going, it would take me days, weeks, and maybe months, to write everything that’s been bottled up inside me for most of my 58 years. I thought that my answer to my mother’s recent 62-page hate letter, and to her other book-long hate letters that she has sent me, UNprovoked, over the years, would fill at least 100 pages…

    BUT ~ GUESS WHAT?! Not only have I finished the letter in less than one day ~ when I wrote my final draft in my word program using regular Times Roman size 12 font, my letter to my mother that says every single thing I feel I really need to say, FOR MY INNER HEALING and PEACE OF MIND, came to only: 2 and 1/3 pages!! WOW!

    I then increased the font size to 14, to make it easier for older eyes to read, and now my letter is exactly 3 pages long. And that’s it. That’s all. Three pages of enlarged print, and I am finally DONE.

    I feel as stunned and relieved as I did when I reached “The End” of the first novel I wrote. I mean, I am DONE. THE END. HALLELUIA!

    Susan and Darlene and Pinky and Risé and Vicki and Patricia and Pam and Joy and EVERYBODY who reads and comments on Emerging From Broken:

    THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!! (((((BIG-HUGS)))))

    Lynda ~ waaaaay OUT of the CrAzY Closet!!

  11. By: Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker Posted: 11th July

    Healing means looking at the past and seeing the patterns and the lies that you believed about yourself and changing those beliefs. It means learning to love yourself and to know that you have value just because you exist. Your true value comes from inside yourself, not from others as we believe in childhood. Acknowledging that some patterns of behavior are no longer helpful and letting them go is important to healing. As Darlene has said many times, our healing isn’t about our parents. Healing is about us. As a child, I wasn’t responsible for my abuse. As an adult, I have a responsibility to change the beliefs that kept me trapped in the abuse and to change patterns of behavior that I am allowing to continue to hurt me or other people.

    When I am upset with someone, I look to see what about me is reacting. Is it a childhood pattern? Is it a childhood fear? Am I being abused again? Does the person intend to hurt me? Am I understanding and seeing the whole picture. Am I overreacting? I can only change my part if I am aware of it. All of this comes from the process of changing my belief system about who I am. I am not the lies about me by my abusers.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 11th July

      Hi Patricia,
      Really great comments! Thank you for sharing the way you look at it, the way that you process being upset. I ask myself some very similar questions too.
      Hugs, Darlene

  12. By: Pinky Posted: 11th July

    @Vicky, I am sorry for your pain and thanks for sharing. I can totally relate to the medical proof part. My doctor found out kind of by accident that I have proof all these years later that i was raped and after being called a liar so many years now I have medical proof that I was raped. Though I have no contact at all with my abusers or family at all I have to deal with them from time to time on a legal level ,long story they insinuated themselves into my life legally.
    So now I can take this proof to court! I know the way you feel about this!

  13. By: vicki Posted: 11th July

    Well, since a few comments have been about mothers, I just got an official second opinion of the beating our heads against walls being linked to possible seizure activity. Now I have two medical reports that corroborate my statement that she banged our heads against walls, or at least mine [but she did to Kathy, Cindy and Tom too.]
    It may not matter to anybody else that I have physical proof and two medical doctors’ opinions of the matter but it does to me b/c David, my brother who thinks both our parents’ assholes are lined with pure morality, told me I was lying about it. I had no doctors opinions when I mentioned it, just scars that he insisted came about through some other means.
    But every last one of them insist on calling us the names we were given by the same mother who only through luck didn’t kill some of us.
    Yeah, that’s right. B/c she’s such a victim that they have to deMAND that we use the names she gave us.
    If it didn’t annoy me so much it would make me vastly physically sick. It thoroughly disgusts the hell out of me. Being party to all their stupid gd games.
    Well, even if I’m not a party to it, I will be, b/c they call me the name SHE gave me whether I like it or not. And, if that doesn’t prove they never loved me at all, nothing will.
    That’s how I feel today.

  14. By: Risé Posted: 11th July

    Darlene ~ post #97 – my thoughts exactly … I too feel as though I was ‘brainwashed’ … my mother used guilt to manipulate, but also taught me that its not okay to be angry, like you, even if it was justified. I’m learning that this has no truth to it. It’s okay to have righteous anger and express it in a constructive way.

    Lynda – confessing truth of any kind sets us free – like Pinky said. I confronted my mother (via letter because it was safest) several times and I never got a response or an explanation and certainly not an apology!! I’m done writing her – I’ve confronted her about it, but in her head she’s done nothing wrong to me and so I choose to never have a relationship with her again. I have since ‘given’ her to the Lord to deal with – I am finally so done with her and my family who has obviously sided with her.

  15. By: Lynda ~ Out Of The cRaZy Closet Posted: 11th July

    WOW~ SusanKS, Darlene, and Pinky,
    Since I posted my last comment #96, I finally started writing my long overdue letter to my mother! I’ve been trying to write it for months, and I thought I was almost ready to start, when her latest unprovoked hate letter of 62 pages came a few weeks ago… and even tho my loving husband protected me from reading it, I felt so horribly emotionally BLUDGEONED by my mother, all over again. But now, today, I logged on and read Susan’s comment, and it all just CLICKED, and I am now up to the top of page 4 on my divorce letter to my mother.

    Wow… already I can feel the weights lifting.

    Going to take a break now, and get some lunch.

    I LOVE EMERGING FROM BROKEN!!!!!!!!!!!

    LYNDA

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 11th July

      That is really great Lynda!
      Thanks for the update! I am going at breakneck speed writing a blog post about confronting my own mother. (I hope to publish it wednesday!)

  16. By: Pinky Posted: 11th July

    @Lynda happy for you! I did it when I was 28 I am 48 now. Once I did it I cant tell you how many things fell together into my life relationships and friendships and ministry and carer and on and on. I still have huge challenges but I know there is no legal or spiritual requirement of me to put up with any form of abuse ever so I dont. I think once I realized that it all clicked. Also my brother who was the first to sexually abuse me raped and broke his 2 year old daughters legs that made me realize I needed to speak up. Once you do you will find even more freedom I believe ! I am really happy for you!

  17. By: Lynda ~ Out Of The cRaZy Closet Posted: 11th July

    ANGER…. all my life I have feared ANGER. I have been afraid of other people’s anger, and I have been afraid of my own anger.

    I’ve said it before, but in all the pain of this new abuse by my mother, I have forgotten it: ANGER, like PAIN, is a God-given sign that something is WRONG and needs to be corrected.

    I’ve been in PAIN, for years, over my mother’s abuses. I’ve been ANGRY, for years, over my mother’s abuses. I am in PAIN because my mother has hurt me all of my life, and she continues to hurt me. I am ANGRY because my basic, inherent, human RIGHTS have been violated by my mother all of my life, and she is continuing to violate my rights to this day.

    I need to STAND UP, SPEAK UP, and STOP my mother’s violation and abuse of me, and I need to do it NOW.

    For ME, not for her~

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 11th July

      Lynda,
      YAY. This really is the process. We have to go through all that rough stuff, all the sharing and working it out and going back and forth in order to get that kind of clarity that you are sharing today. When I look back on my life, I realize that I was SO totally brainwashed that it is no wonder it took me a few years to come back to the truth and to see things clearly. The way that I was rasied was wrong. I was taught to feel guilty for any emotions including anger at anyone even if it was justified anger. And we learn to FEAR anger in all forms becasue of the ways that we have paid for anger. (both our own anger and the anger of others)
      These comments from you are amazing today!
      Hugs, Darlene

  18. By: Lynda ~ Out Of The cRaZy Closet Posted: 11th July

    SusanKS!!! WOW!!! THAT’S IT ~ that’s my answer to what I need to do about the multiple abuses my mother has done to me… starting from my earliest childhood memories, to the latest hate letter, this one 62 pages long, that she sent to me, and a copy to my aunt, a few weeks ago.

    I have been ATTACKED, I have been viciously HURT, I have been treated with CONTEMPT and HATE, all my life, by my mother, when I should have been treated with LOVE and RESPECT. What I need to do isn’t about HER, what’s WRONG with her, does she not KNOW any better, is there something fundamental that’s missing in her head or her heart or her soul or her metabolism, or WHATEVER…. I need to stop worrying about whether my response to my mother’s latest, and lifetime, of attacks, is hurtful or hateful or non-Christian or whatever. I need to do what you said, Susan. You said:

    ” When I finally began to find the light part of it was because I’d made the shift from first focussing on my hatred of those who had hurt me to minimizing and denying what they had done to me to finally being able to focus on the reality of what had happened to me, what I had lost, what had been taken and what I will never have because of what was done to me. It was about feeling the feelings and expressing the anger at being violated, the tears at the losses and grief and finally being able to make sense out of what makes no sense. It was in learning to feel my feelings and go through the full range of emotions that I found freedom. Trying to put bandaids on and cope with “symptoms” only made it worse as the wound festered and poisoned me from the inside out. It was in facing my reality and having it validated as worthy of being recognized by another that I found freedom from the prison that had was my mind.”

    This, most of all: “It was about feeling the feelings and expressing the anger at being violated……”

    I see it now. I SEE it!!!!!!!!

    WOW I love you Susan.

    Lynda

  19. By: Susan Kingsley-Smith Posted: 10th July

    Darlene; you had said:

    “My emotional healing is not about my parents. It doesn’t matter how messed up they were by their own pasts, it is about the damage that was caused to me regardless of how messed up they were. My emotional healing is all about me and I finally believed that I deserved to have it. But first I had to realize that the beginning of emotional healing was about understanding what happened TO ME.”

    Absolutely! When I finally began to find the light part of it was because I’d made the shift from first focussing on my hatred of those who had hurt me to minimizing and denying what they had done to me to finally being able to focus on the reality of what had happened to me, what I had lost, what had been taken and what I will never have because of what was done to me. It was about feeling the feelings and expressing the anger at being violated, the tears at the losses and grief and finally being able to make sense out of what makes no sense. It was in learning to feel my feelings and go through the full range of emotions that I found freedom. Trying to put bandaids on and cope with “symptoms” only made it worse as the wound festered and poisoned me from the inside out. It was in facing my reality and having it validated as worthy of being recognized by another that I found freedom from the prison that had was my mind.

    Once again – I am eternally grateful for this space and community.

    Susanks

  20. By: Lynda ~ Out Of The cRaZy Closet Posted: 8th July

    Pam ~ wow. What you said: “If people poke their fingers into a wound, they should expect some screaming.” Well, OK, then! I like that.

    Dear Vicki ~ I hear you loud and clear, and I’m SO in your corner, about the person who was so RUDE to you. People have such a low tolerance of other people having a different OPINION about something. Nations go to WAR over differing opinions. People KILL people just for having a different religion or political belief or sexual preference or whatever. It’s ridiculous.

    Also, Vicki, I appreciate what you said about not wanting to be disrespectful in expressing your opinion of my mother. The thing is… *I* don’t even know, fully, what my opinion is of my mother. There is still a certain amount of what Darlene calls a “fog” in that area of my thinking. All I know for sure is that SOMETHING is RELLY WRONG with her. But what that something is, I don’t know. I also know I can’t fix it, and I can’t and won’t tolerate her continued abuse in my life, regardless of what her problem or excuse is for treating me the way she does.

  21. By: pam Posted: 8th July

    Lynda,
    Don’t feel too bad. I think you were just protecting yourself from another asault. When we’ve been abused, we don’t need anyone to play devil’s advocate. If people poke their fingers into a wound, they should expect some screaming.

    Pam

  22. By: Vicki Posted: 8th July

    I would say a lot more but, for some reason, I feel like it would be rude to be disrespectful about other people’s abusers, especially when said abuser is a parent of theirs. Like I could say a lot more about what I think about Lynda’s mom and her letter, but I’m afraid it would sound disrespectful of her mom, and I was raised to believe you don’t say ANYthing disrespectful about another person’s parents.
    Especially since, most of the time, a small part of the person still has feelings for the parent however large or small or moderate-sized they be.
    IDK Since I got in trouble, by opening my mouth on another site, I feel it would be best if I were frugal with my comments.
    But for the record, I responded to his telling me to “shove it.” Just b/c I disagree with a book review and, AS USUAL, I wasn’t even freakin’ TALKING to him, so of course he just had to answer or die from keeping quiet; just b/c I disagree with him he feels it necessary to say “shove it.”
    I won’t repeat what I said to him, but it’s the last thing I’m ever saying to him. I just wish I could have learned beFORE I made the mistake. Like he’s so not worth talking to it’s not even funny, but I caved in today.
    I’m really tired of this online mental illness being played out on a daily basis. I mean who the hell gets that goddam upset at somebody they’ve 1) never met and 2) most likely never will meet. What the freakin’ hell is going on with people. I know I may be more upset b/c I’ve been up since 4 am, but I seriously believe adults should have a right to report abuse. Except, every time I’ve tried in the past, nobody listens b/c I’m an adult. So I guess with the privilege of being an adult comes the “right to suffer through shitloads of verbal GARBAGE.”
    The way I feel now, I’d rather be a kid.
    Sorry. End of rant. Sometimes getting it out DOES work.

  23. By: Lynda ~ Out Of The cRaZy Closet Posted: 8th July

    Joy, I think your way is better, not forcing yourself when it is too painful. I need to be kinder to myself, I think.

    I, too, am frustrated with the process… how long it took me to go for help, how long it took me to find GOOD help, and how long it’s taking me to heal. I like what Darlene said in comment #87: “Things changed when I finally gave up being upset with myself all together.”

    That’s what I need to do, I am still beating myself up for inappropriately blowing up at someone on a facebook post because she didn’t express any empathy for my trauma that I had told in some detail, she kept playing the “devil’s advocate” as she called it, and I felt so triggered… this was about 2 and 1/2 weeks after my cousin drowned, and my Grief and Pain and Survivor’s Guilt was overwhelming me, and I just verbally BLASTED the poor woman. Now I feel SO ASHAMED. I don’t know how to stop being mad at myself. I NEVER want to HURT someone, verbally or otherwise, I NEVER want to be like my abusers!!

    I am thankful that I have a good new therapist to help me work through this self-anger, and my inappropriate trauma-triggered rage.

  24. By: Vicki Posted: 8th July

    If I go by what I feel (and know too), I’ve been in the process since the night I saw the woman who had abused her kids, killing all but one of them, who was trying to convince the police that “they deserved it” and that she was not in the least “bad for doing it.”
    It was then that I KNEW the truth. I didn’t feel it but I knew it. It doesn’t really make sense, and I don’t completely understand it myself. But it feels like the emotional part is never going to come.
    Incidentally that incident occurred in 1995, but I’d seen other people who had the same attitude as that woman did. It was a collection of abusive people who never once–or so they acted–thought they were wrong in any possible way for doing it. Some even openly blamed the child for what happened. I thought they were some kind of mutants acting that way, but it helped me see that my family is generally the same way. Making excuses, saying “He was sick, you’re a bad person for being intolerant of what a sick person does.” Referring to what our dad did, she blamed it on alcoholism and accused us of being heartless or soulless when nobody was more of either one of those things than SHE was. This was the person who threw me out of the house and made me sit in freezing winter weather w/out a coat, who banged my head into walls and who fried an egg while totally ignoring my crying from blood running down the walls.
    But WERE the ones, according to her, who are ‘intolerant and just plain mean.’
    If I had never seen the life squad incidents, I believe I still wouldn’t know it’s wrong to do it to me, personally. I ALWAYS thought it was wrong to do it to OTHER people. Something about the intensity of the scenes and their absolute disregard for anyone but their gd selves just hocked me off. Especially after seeing it 50,000 times over.
    There really is way too many of these scenes (of child abuse and domestic abuse), and it’s plain to see that the people doing it expect to be treated just like ANY normal person. When they’re not.
    I believe what happened to me is wrong, but I still don’t feel like it is, and that’s the part that gets hard to explain.
    I’d like to someday FEEL like its wrong, but I’m concerned that day is never going to arrive.
    I’d also like to know why reading certain posts creates pain in me while everyone else appears to feel hope and other types of positive feelings. Hardly anyone says that a post feels painful, which is why I thought it was wrong to say so in the first place. It GIVES me hope, but it feels painful too. But if nobody concentrates on the painful part, I assume I shouldn’t either.
    Somebody I know told me to say how I REALLY feel; he never thinks I already DO say how I really feel. In fact, he told me he thinks I don’t. Well, in some cases he’s right, but it’s only b/c I thought we were supposed to be concentrating on the POSITIVE side of healing, not the painful one. And I’ve NEVER been a fan of being the only one who’s doing something while everyone else is doing something else.
    That’s also related to abuse, but at least THAT abuse wasn’t physical. I’ve had all three: physical, mental and spiritual abuse. If I had to pick only one, I’d say I would rather be mentally abused than physically. That’s just my opinion, so I hope it doesn’t offend anyone.

  25. By: joy Posted: 8th July

    Thanks Darlene for understanding..

    Sometimes i get what i want to say and what I actually write jumbled and i wouldnt want the wrong thing implied..I tell myself that but sometimes i forget to believe myself when i am telling myself that its not my fault..thank you for all our encouraging words . i so appreciate it.

    hugs:

    Joy

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