The Problem with the Saying “Love and You will be Loved”

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the problem with the saying love and you will be loved
Photo by Journi Roe Photography

This week I came across the expression “love and you will be loved” several times and it got me thinking about how in theory it can and does work but the problem is what it infers. Depending on what you have already learned about “love” different messages are received through this saying. This phrase is so often said as a solution for everything just like with other sayings such as; Love heals all wounds; Love is the answer; if you are lonely then simply Love someone. It implies that if you “are not loving” then you will not be loved and the message that I “heard” is that I was not loved because I was not loving enough which led to me trying harder in impossible and abusive situations. This directive “love and you will be loved” seems to imply that we are all able to love as though love is something we just “know” how to do.  Are we born knowing how to love or do we learn how to love by first being loved.

“Love and you will be loved” is often said as a reprimand. That phrase has some baggage that goes along with it. It decides that you will only be loved IF you love and that is fine. I am not disagreeing with that concept. It is the way that it is applied that I have an issue with.  In our society, it seems to be applied to the victim in any given situation. The statement seems to infer that if you are struggling then it must be YOUR fault. If you are lonely, it is YOUR fault. If you are oppressed, what did you do to cause it? If you are being abused, or if you were mistreated (in any way) in the past, what did you do bring that on to yourself?

 What if the saying “love and you shall be loved” was applied to the adults FIRST before it is applied to their children. What if we lived in a world where everyone said to parents with regards to their children “you reap what you sow” instead of these sayings always being directed to the children? What if the saying “love and you shall be loved” was aimed at my mother and father in regards to the way that they treated me? Perhaps that is why I am not the “loving and devoted” daughter they “expected” me to be. They didn’t teach me to love. They didn’t model love. They didn’t love. There was no action behind the words “love”.   

“The world” looks at me as an ungrateful child who has disrespected my parents with my blog. I am harshly judged for writing the truth as well as for standing up to them. The “world” thinks that I am the one with the problem. What is wrong with that picture?

Where did you learn to love? How did you learn what “love” was? What do you think “love” is? These were the kinds of questions that helped me sort things out.  These are the kinds of questions that led me to become an independent and LOVING individual with a full and happy life and with wonderful loving children. Answering these questions has saved my marriage and helped us to break the cycle of dysfunctional family systems within our marriage and with our children.

The following poem/quote by Dorothy Law Nolte is shared virally on facebook.

“If a child lives with criticism, they learn to condemn.

If a child lives with hostility, they learn to fight.

If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive,

If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves,

If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.

But do not despair …

If a child lives with tolerance, they learn to be patient.

If a child lives with encouragement, they learn confidence.

If a child lives with praise, they learn to appreciate.

If a child lives with fairness, they live with justice.

If a child lives with security, they live to have faith.

If a child lives with approval, they learn to like himself.

If a child lives with acceptance and friendship they learn to find love in the world.”

Dorothy Law Nolte 

Please see the complete version here: Dorothy Law Nolte Poem

Everyone loves to share beautiful stuff like this but articles such as the ones that I write about the reality of children who have NOT been raised this way are not shared nearly as much. The reality of child abuse and child neglect that so many adults share is not nearly as popular as this wisdom and truth in Dorothy’s quote. Her words are truth and they are the ideal but it is frowned upon in polite society if we have discussions about the way kids turn out if we ARE NOT raised with all this love and nurturing because it points the finger at the parents and there is some sort of huge taboo about doing that.  

We are not going to solve the problem of child abuse without discussing the pain of being those children. It is the adult children who are IN so much pain who are raising the future generations and it will only be by facing ALL the truth that will lead to global change. If the cycle of child abuse (emotional abuse, domestic violence, sexual abuse or spiritual abuse) and neglect is going to be broken, the painful details that involve dysfunctional families have to be talked about too.

Please share your thoughts about this topic. I look forward to the discussion.

Exposing Truth; one snapshot at a time

Darlene Ouimet

The Emerging from Broken book is ready for download! If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, get this book today! This 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to healing.  Get yours here through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

Related Posts: “When Children are not regarded as Actual People”

181 response to "The Problem with the Saying “Love and You will be Loved”"

  1. By: Mimi Posted: 4th August

    SMD,
    Me again!! Haha! I don’t know what button I hit, but my post went without my permission. I wasn’t finished yet….. 🙂

    Anyhow, after a few days of feeling hungover, then I can get into the mental rehearsals. Thankfully, I’ve been so busy, I haven’t had the mental space to waste on mother and her husband.

    Interesting, I haven’t heard a word from her or Mr. BadA$$ since I sent the email to him directly that reminded him I’m keeping his secrets. Hahahahaha… I get a nice smile out of that!! They haven’t even produced the “list of lies” they said I told that took them only 30 minutes to compile. I feel satisfied that I turned the tables on their game.

    At the same time Sonia, when thoughts of them have come up over the past week, I’ve also wondered if I went to extremes. Should I have accepted her apology? Should I have let the lies slide ~ am I being too critical and demanding, unapproachable? Too big of a bitch, frankly. I’m ever so slightly on the fence. I feel good about what took place. I feel empowered. But, at the same time, there’s a hint of wonder if I went too far. I say that, but, in the midst of the drama, there wasn’t any fiber of my being that felt okay letting her slide with the lies. I felt sickened by the idea. So, I guess I’ve answered my own questions. My choices were to be sickened and accept half her accountability, or feel the freedom my gut was urging me to seek at the time.

    You mentioned being pissed and for me, I think I had to have a healthy dose of anger in the mix of emotions, in order to carry out the accountability. I was the poster child for anger issues according to mother. So, I kind of fear being angry due to the fallout of it in the past. I have been so shamed by the thought that I’m such an angry and unreasonable person. That element of shame tends to hold on for dear life. I did everything I could in the correspondence to not appear angry. Yet, since I held them accountable, that was still one of their weapons of choice. That alone makes me a little angry.

    I’m happy to hear you’re getting some relief from being no cantact for the week. (Just now read that part). It amazes me that people actually think we would make this kind of crap up. As if we want to be in the pain it causes. I’ve also wondered what “they” would do ~ take care of themselves if they were at the bottom of the barrel like I was, or continue to sink until death.

    Pam,
    I agree…. it is so so hard to articulate emotional abuse. Especially if you don’t even know that it IS abuse, or that other people don’t necessarily operate in this unhealthy fashion. I felt like a monster too. They made me out to be a monster. It will forever be my branding among my family’s opinion. I’m certain this what my mother is talking about right this minute. How angry I am because I’ve withdrawn and held her accountable without wavering. I’m okay if people believe it now. The people who do believe it don’t hold much space in my heart anyway. Every few months, just when I’m getting settled and feeling more secure and trusting of myself, my mother comes back with an axe in her hand. It’s so coincidental that she ALWAYS claimed that was my dad’s way. She said he would just let things barely die down, and he’d come storming back, stir up crap, then run. I think it sounds much more like her than my dad. In fact, my dad’s never done that to me as an adult. He doesn’t stir up crap at all in my presence. He doesn’t even badmouth my mother. He might be a drunk, but, at least he has the sense not to throw my other bio parent under the bus. My mom has never ever honored my sisters and I in that way.

    Love to everyone,
    Mimi
    ps – Pam, thank you for your supportive comments. It means a lot to me!!
    pps – Sonia, I’m pulling for you!!

  2. By: Aurele Posted: 4th August

    Thanks Pam for your answer.
    In fact my self defense system is always activated I always fear of an attack, a rejection, a bad judgement on me.

    I have a huge fear in me.

  3. By: Miralina Posted: 4th August

    Actually, I’m not sure it matters that much. I need to be connected to my anger. I’ve spent so much time trying to understand. Whatever happened, it surely wasn’t my fault, but I had to pay for it. Still, if you have any thoughts…

  4. By: Miralina Posted: 4th August

    Does any of you know how our mothers become this way?
    I mean, for me, my mother is a neglectful, ignoring, false self human being, with no capacity for a real connection. She regarded children as something that existed for HER sake. Her children should cater to her needs. From my research into this she’s basically a narcissistic mother of the ignoring type, but switching to being engulfing occasionally. Bottom line, I’ve never felt as if I could connect with a real person under all that surface stuff.

    But my maternal grandmother, was my best friend as a child. She was incredibly loving, caring, strong, genuine, funny, playful, supportive, taught me so much.

    So I’m left wondering how this can be, what could have possibly happened for my mother to turn out this way. If there had been abuse in the family I would be able to understand this. But I just don’t understand.
    Thank you all.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 4th August

      Hi Miralina
      I smiled when you came back and answered your own question: “how our mothers become this way?” with “I’m not sure it matters that much. I need to be connected to my anger. I’ve spent so much time trying to understand. Whatever happened, it surely wasn’t my fault, but I had to pay for it”.
      It was very very important for me to connect to the damage and the anger and stop trying to understand my parents and other abusers. I had to look at the truth about what happened to me, without excusing the people who did it. As the fog cleared I realized the ways that they tried to cover it up, proving that they knew it was wrong.
      About your mothers family history, we don’t always know what happens in the life of someone else. Everyone thought my father was mr. perfect. I even agreed with that for years. We don’t always see the truth about someone if they don’t show it to us. Abusers hide in many ways, again proving that they know right from wrong treatment. Concentrate on you for now. I was amazed at how so many of my own questions were answered as I grew in clarity.
      Hugs, Darlene

  5. By: Mimi Posted: 4th August

    SMD,
    I’m sorry you’re having a tough time. I haven’t been able to comment for a few days, just busier than normal, and that’s been good for me. I hope you’ve found the strength to stick to your boundary of no contact for the week. It is a welcome relief for me ~ no contact. Isn’t it sickening the power they have to make us miserable. Then people want to suggest we’re selfish for staying away and/or “punishing” them. GRRRRR!!

    I’ve had bad dreams about my mom for years, although I haven’t for several months now. I have imagined telling her about the dreams and her saying, “pft, whatever!!” behind a muffled laugh. Even so, I know it’s part of the PROOF of my reality. I did tell her counselor if I remember correctly. She blew it off. Two can play that game. She no longer gets my money, haha!!

    My emotional hangover isn’t exactly like being in the emotional whirlwind. I don’t seem to have a lot of emotion, just no energy. Like I’m completely zapped. Then I can get into ruminating a few days down the road. Right at first it just seems like I’m disabled.

  6. By: SMD Posted: 3rd August

    Pam,
    Thanks so much for your comment #156!…Yes, I’ve been feeling Sick, since my last family contact. It’s like Close Encounter’s of the Third Kind…my mom, sister & me (triangulation)…Feeling better today can joke a little… I have no doubt, that my family is Controlling & that I’ve been Beaten Down Emotionally by them too, my whole life. Despite my set backs & I have them after family drama & stress, my eyes are wide open. I’ll be making some life changing decisions soon re: family. The Sweet/Mean Cycle of abuse is Sickening! I’m Hanging in There!! I feel more grounded now, after no contact. Yay!
    Sonia

  7. By: Pam Posted: 3rd August

    SMD, My family makes me sick that way too.This last year without them makes this so clear to me. It’s wonderful not to have that cloud of disaproval hanging over my head all of the time. It hurt to make the break from them but I feel so happy and free now. I feel whole and now I know I’ve always been the person I am not but I used to see myself through their eyes and their vision of me is warped.Hang in there.

    Pam

  8. By: Pam Posted: 3rd August

    Aurele, It makes me sad that you were treated that way. My parents didn’t physically beat me. I got constant emotional and psychological beatings. It was hard for me to define what was wrong and when I’d try to talk to other kids about it, I made up stories about my parents beating me. I shouldn’t have told lies like that but now I know that I felt as though I was being beaten. Some abusers are very good at getting the gratification they seek without leaving bruises even though, the wounds they leave are near to being mortal.–My anger became managable when I connected it to the events that hurt me and turned it outward rather than turning it on myself or trying to keep it stuffed down. When I was younger, I would get triggered and rage.It was awful and it made me feel like some kind of monster. “Be angry and sin not” is a Bible verse that has my teeth marks all through it but I did accomplish that by learning how to use my anger for what it is designed for, self defense. When I was able to use my anger apropriately, my other emotions became more appropriate, as well. I struggled with it all for a long time though…

    Love,
    Pam

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 3rd August

      Hi Pam
      This is an important fact too that you have brought up here; that some of us exagarated the truth or lied about how it really was and then THAT is used as proof that we are liars or that we are “crazy”. (like my cupcake story) They point to it as the proof and we so often hang our heads and accpet that “yes, it must be me”. But the truth is that you WERE beaten emotionally and that the emotional abuse was still abuse! Abuse is abuse and that is what we are sorting out!
      Thanks for sharing,
      Hugs, Darlene

  9. By: SMD Posted: 1st August

    Mimi,
    You bring up some great points!…First of all, you mentioned “false support”, which so validates what I’m seeing in my family. The painful truth is they aren’t there for me & then, they will randomly throw a compliment or money my way. It’s hard to believe they really care because of their many betrayals. It’s sad to say that, yet I’m sticking to my truth.

    Also, I have been distressed with my recent family interaction. They do not have the power to destroy me, but they can stir me up & trigger me!….I had a so-called “emotional hangover” afterwards too & isolated myself over the weekend. I know that’s not healthy coping, but old coping mechanisms kick in, when it comes to family drama & stress. When I say emotional hangover- it’s like shell shock (PTSD) & past pain comes up for me. It’s distress intolerance with increase irritability, anxiety & weepiness. I keep the emotions at bay, but by pretending I’m ok, does not work. What I resist, persists! I just made a call to a DBT Program for a much needed Tune-UP!…Wish I was feeling better, but the reality is I’m distressed & pissed! I’m sticking to my personal boundary of No Contact with Family this week! I’m grateful for the support here & my counselor. I’m staying a float for now & may feel the need to reach out more, in the days to come. Last night, I dreamed of a family member yelling at me & I felt like I was jumping out of my skin! That reaction reminded me of childhood, when I felt helpless and scared. My parents would say, “You overreact” & “shut up!” They were the ones out of control & I was the scapegoat for their anger!….I’m being flooded at times, with emotions & memory flashes. I continue to believe My triggers are my teachers to my pain/trauma. I want to face this myself, however, I’m needing more support these past few weeks. Please Bear with me…I’m feeling a bit Raw today….
    Sonia

  10. By: Aurele Posted: 1st August

    Sorry for my english, I wanted to say “He wasn’t there for me either” instead of ” I wasn’t there for me either”.

  11. By: Aurele Posted: 1st August

    My father spent his life to blame me.

    I have bad results at school, I had pannic attack, I was bullied by my schoolmates.

    My “father”‘s attitude, made me sad so I told him. He said that I deserved everything. It was because I was rebellious that he was obliged to treat me that way. In other words if I would like he changed his attitdue and be more nice with me, I had to be more nice, more nice with him.

    I tried to do that, I was more compliant, I tried to please him again but it was betraying myself and it was killing myself and I have no benefice from him either. I wasn’t there for me either.
    And what his demands, his expectations were too heavy for me.
    I had to deny myself to please him.

    Pff. My rebellion put me in danger but it was more sane for me.

    He made me responsible for the nighmare I was living.
    He said that I deserve to be bullied, he didn’t help me at all.

    For him, I was too a part of himself, an object. So sick.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 1st August

      Hi Aurele,
      Great work! These are the painful truths that I had to face in order to put the puzzle (that was me and my life) back together. Not being protected amounts to being discounted, dismissed and invalidated. Seeing these things in my own life gave me the answers about how to move forward and away from those messages. I learned to love and validate myself.
      Hugs, Darlene

  12. By: Aurele Posted: 1st August

    Hi Pam,

    I like your post espacially “They used it as a weapon against me. They do all they can to make me angry and then they make my anger the issue rather than whatever they did to me or someone I love.”

    For me it was the same. I was the “rebellious”, the “difficult” teenager, the bad seed. I received so many violence because of that excuse.
    So horrible. And the beatings I received were justified by this excuse.

    And I ended up believing they were right I was the problem. I have so much guilty inside me today.
    Now I am afraid of my inner-anger.

  13. By: Mimi Posted: 1st August

    Hi All,
    A brief update…. I haven’t heard a word from my momster, or her husband. YaY!! I DID have an impact…. for now anyway!!
    xoxo,
    Mimi

  14. By: Mimi Posted: 1st August

    Janie,
    #125 ~ I did wonder who my mother was for the longest time. All that took place when I was in the mourning phase last year. I still don’t know because she’s many people in one body it seems. I don’t even think she knows who she is. Fortunately, it’s less and less my problem all the time. I don’t care to figure her out. It would be an endless task.

    SMD,
    I’m sorry for your recent familial encounter. It just makes life uneasy doesn’t it? So confusing when you do have to read between the lines. Maybe that’s a part of an abusers “bag of tricks”. I was thinking recently about something my mother said a few years ago. I was diagnosed with diabetes and I modified my diet and got to the point that it was reversed. In the process, I lost some weight too, although I still wasn’t where the American Medical Assn says I should be for my height. My mother told me one of her friends said she didn’t think I needed to lose anymore weight. I think I see the truth of that statement now. It was my mom injecting her “secret hope” that I didn’t reach my ideal weight, because for whatever twisted reason, that would be a threat to her. She wrapped it in a compliment, so I’d never see through it. I have known she somehow “accepted” my failures (only since I’ve been married) fairly easily compared to the way she used to use them against me. I see now that, since I have a husband, she lost some power to blatantly insult me or somehow control me with my failures. She, in this and other failed endeavors, has been surprisingly “understanding” since I’ve been married and independent. I see that false support for what it is. The hope I continue to fail. It’s so disgusting ~ if you don’t know her intricate, insidious motives, you’d never suspect the true masterminding behind it all. Instead, I appear paranoid, searching for “dirt” on her, etc. In my heart of hearts, I believe this is what’s behind her “compliments”. She hopes to keep me in failure. It serves her well. YUCK!!

    I hope you’re finding solace in the midst of the turmoil. It’s tough to do that when you’re right in the middle of an upset. I know for myself, I’m thinking a lot about my stepdad and mother since our exchanges over the weekend. I can look at past issues with them and realize that I’ve made progress in that they have lost a lot of the power to upset me. I might have been disabled before, at the recent exchanges with them. I’m not disabled at all. I did have what felt like an emotional hangover the first 36 hours (give or take). I was basically a slug. No energy. Emotionally drained I suppose. But, it’s lifted. Also, with each new level of desperation my mother reaches, I feel a bit of a relief as well. I guess it’s because with each new event, comes a level of truth ~ that I’m not crazy, and she really does have huge issues. I suppose in a strange way, that in itself is validation. Hugs to you Sonia!!

    Melody,
    Agree!! I was a nice person!! (WAS, haha). My mom has done her level best to sculpt me into an angry and insane freak of nature. I followed along for 43 years ~ as if there were a ring in my nose. Not today!!

    Darlene and Pam,
    Thanks for your wisdom, always!!

    Peace and love,
    Mimi

  15. By: SMD Posted: 30th July

    Mimi,
    I admire you for standing up to your step dad! He has taken over where your mom left off. They are bullies! Yay for courage & strength!!

    To all,
    I’ve been holding back from talking about my recent visit with mommy dearest, because it was quite mind boggling & also involved my sister too. She was being the family voice box & it was all intense & dramatic!…Basically, I observed her ranting & raving about Family being her “Core” & viewing her new tat of her kids’ names in a heart on her back. BTW, her husband has a matching one on his arm. I’m not against tats at all…it’s just another example of family being life’s blood. Anyway, my point is that she said a lot about family: the good, the bad & the ugly. I’m purposely staying away from the content, since it was intended to confuse me. I’m seeing through the fog & it’s unpleasant! I’ve been in distress about this visit & it has opened my eyes to their controlling ways. When my sister made the comment, “My family is my “core”….I said, “Myself is my Core”…with my mom sitting right next to me. My sister encouraged me to open up in front of my mom, like she was baiting me. Then interrupted me too many times, so I couldn’t finish what I was saying. I did say, “Let me talk & listen”, but she kept changing the subject. Deflecting from my issues. She also brought up a lie my s-i-l told her about a past incident, & I set her straight by telling her the truth. My s-i-l was gas lighting her & then my sister turns it on me by saying, you didn’t tell me what happened. Yes, I did try to tell her after the incident happened and again I was cut off from telling my side. My own mother didn’t believe me & I felt Betrayed. I told my sister all of this and then she goes, “Oh now I get it!”….Then she compliments me with “Your Brillant & Very Smart”, while walking away. What???!! I’ve never heard her say that ever!! My mom tells me that she was always jealous of how smart I was. Whether they are just sayin that or not, my family has not been there for me & that’s the bottom line!….My mom actually kissed my cheek before I left. I’m Mad, I’m Sad & I’m Distressed by this interaction …I have not returned to visit. I got that book, “The Betrayal Bond”, which talks about “Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships”…It’s Time to Start Reading!…The main thought that was going through my mind after leaving them, was “What a Web of Lies”!….If I’m missing something here, please let me know?? My family is so indirect that I have to read between the lines. Just felt the need to Vent!…Thanks for listening…..
    Sonia

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 31st July

      Hi Sonia
      When I first started to change I noticed that people would treat me differently, like finally say something nice or whatever and I was hopeful that they were finally going to hear me. Sometimes that was exactly what was happening! Some people really do want to have a “real relationship”. And other people change their tactics and it gets really confusing. It IS really confusing. Hang in there!
      Another thing that I notice looking back is that the minute someone was nice to me, I thought I had to give up my right to be mad at all the other times they devalued and dismissed me! And that simply is not true!
      Hugs, Darlene

  16. By: Melody Posted: 30th July

    Mimi and all,
    If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it’s a duck. Regarding telling lies. We see it, hear it, and feel it and express it to them and all they can do is deny, deny, deny yet again. (Or perhaps tell another lie to cover up the first.) Absolutely mindnumbing. I feel for you and all of us. Since having my eyes open to the fact that there are people out there just like me, it has helped tremendously. But it doesn’t stop the process of what the dysfunctional group chooses to do and say to the Scapegoat. Looking at many of the posts on this site I can assume that most of us are scapegoats in the family. In a funny way we need to realize the abusers actually raised very nice people! We on this site are so supportive and nice to others that are going through what we are going through.We wouldn’t think to behaving so badly and treating people that way they treat us. So bravo to us that somehow we are normal people and have eachother to lean on. It isn’t us and we are not crazy! I wish everyone well as we move forward….

  17. By: Pam Posted: 30th July

    Mimi, My rebellion as a teenager was blown out of porportion too. There was a lot my parents could have done to help me but they either didn’t want to bother or they think their responsibility toward me ended with telling me not to do something. I bought their version of how ‘bad’ I was until I raised teenagers. They’re always telling me that others had it worse than me well, other people have had a much more difficult teenager than me to raise and they didn’t give up and abandon them. I’m branded as ‘angry’ too, Mimi. They used it as a weapon against me. They do all they can to make me angry and then they make my anger the issue rather than whatever they did to me or someone I love.

    I think manipulators lose their soul through objectification. They have to objectify their victim in order to abuse them. Then they have to objectify themselves in order to live with what they’ve done to other people.

    Hang in there, sweetie.

    Love,
    Pam

  18. By: Mimi Posted: 30th July

    Diane,
    Thank you for your comment. I’m not sure if one way has any advantage over another. Silence vs holding them accountable. I wish I could be silent. I wish I was a person who let things roll off and didn’t say a word. For many years I was that person in my mother’s presence. She would have me backed down until I was invisible, unheard, ashamed, guilty, and believing I had no one. Inside I was angry at that. It would come out at other times and it would sometimes be inappropriate for the occasion. I learned early not to let it show with mother. No anger, or defense. The times I did speak up, the repercussions were beyond what I could handle.

    The difference now is, I’m no longer afraid to tell the truth. I believe with all my heart that the truth WILL set me free. I’m not afraid to make sense of nonsense that was designed to completely confuse me. I tell ya Diane, it has been a LONG time coming. Lots of shame filled my days. Ashamed of my very existence. When I learned it was HER that was lying, twisting things all up, gaslighting, triangulating, manipulating…. it was sooooo not going to end well for her. I’ve carried along this stifled energy for years. Now that I know for sure I was right, my instincts were not faulty, she created confusion, etc…. I was ready to let this energy go back where it belongs. Her destroying my character through slander is always her way. I would be broken hearted at that. I would cry and lose days of thought on it. It took a heck of a lot to get me to the point that I understand the dynamics enough that it no longer matters what she says to people. I have no compassion left for her. I have no tolerance left.

    I mourned losing her last year. For months (about 3) I cried every day. I went through a period where I was incapacitated by the discovery of her lack of love. I was blessed to have that time to get it all out. Since that time, it really is like she died and all that’s left is a shell of a person whom I don’t know.

    Anyhow, thanks for your support and virtual hugs, etc. It means a lot!!

    Darlene,
    I woke up this morning thinking of an example of what you explained above. I remember in my youth when my mom would say I lied about something, I didn’t DARE “twist it all around” and say she called me a liar. There was a huge difference according to her. And she would get irate if I said she’d called me a liar. She’d say, “Oh no I did not…. I said you lied”! Is there a difference?

    For the record, I have never, in all this correspondence with her, called her a liar. But, now that the tables are turned, and she’s the accused, it’s OKAY for her to say I called her a liar. It’s one of those things I was raised to believe so I don’t know what’s right really. I can see it’s a double standard though. I said she lied, I never called her a liar. Now, her and her husband both come at me saying I’ve called her a liar and I have some huge list of lies I’ve been talking about. A “huge list” never came out of my mouth either. They just made that up, for dramatic effect I guess, who knows.

    Anyhow, I see clearly what you mean about how rules are different depending on what role they’re playing, plaintiff vs defendent. It just proves more and more how rules are different for her. How she’s a princess and not to be disturbed. I have plenty of my dad’s blood in me and that’s never really jived with her. I’m fine with that today. I’m becoming more accepting of the blood that courses through my veins. I don’t have to be like her, or anyone else. I’m finally starting to see it’s okay to be just who I am. So liberating!!
    Thanks Darlene,
    Mimi

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 30th July

      Hi Mimi
      You have shared a great example of the spin and the fog storm with your comments about being called a liar. If someone says that you lied, then they are in fact calling you a liar! And your mother IS a liar so what is the big deal if you call it what it is? Just as you pointed out, There IS no difference between the two! (oh and Yes this is also a great example of how the rules are different for them)
      Hugs, Darlene

  19. By: diane Posted: 29th July

    Mimi, I just read your comments….I cannot believe your courage and boldness! I was amazed at how you worded everything to your stepdad. He definitely sounds like he has taken on himself FAR TOO MUCH control and gotten involved in things that quite frankly, were none of his business to begin with since he is not your real father, and it seems that these things have always been more about the relationship you have with your mother. I have already said adios to my family, so there isnt any going back for me (a good thing!), but sometimes I wonder what it would have felt like to confront my parents like that! I never did out of fear, but I used to think about it sometimes. I think you are more honest than I was with your parents by telling them exactly how you feel and getting your points across and not stuffing it all down inside like I did. I somehow think I have been dishonest because I didnt. I was too chicken and that might be the one thing I dont feel comfortable about because when I cut them off, I really didnt do any real explaining. So…I admire your courage and bluntness and boldness! 🙂

  20. By: Mimi Posted: 29th July

    Truthbtold,
    Thank you for your support. I don’t know if it’s really strength as much as it is fed up, mixed with a little dose of anger. After 43 years of not being able to make sense of myself or her, I am clear now. I know without a doubt it’s her with the problem. I was just a sponge, soaking up all the things that never made sense, yet angry at the craziness and the way I felt inside. Anger at her, and myself. It hasn’t been in upheaval since I last saw you here. I’ve had quiet times too. Seems like about every 2-3 months, my mom comes back with some other, more extreme measure and stirs things up. This has just begun recently. It started with what seemed like a genuine apology from her to my sisters and I. She still failed to address some lies I had pointed out, so I pressed in and pointed that out. WHOA, the firestorm began!! Also, she sent the apology at the same time she was doing her dirty work behind the curtain. PFT!! I really had no idea how totally controlling they both were until my stepdad starting telling me what I would and wouldn’t do. I have to laugh at that!! He should know by now that when someone says I can’t, I set out to prove I can. Sometimes that’s a help, and sometimes a hindrance.

    Darlene,
    Thank you for reading and responding. I wanted to try to stay focused on the real issues, without anger seeping in, and without doing what he did with the deflection. I have plenty enough I could write pages back. But, it would be going off topic and I think I lose credibility when that happens. I know his credibility is in the dumpster with him trying to point out I had lied. PFT. I am so happy that I can say with complete confidence that his claims about me lying made NO impact because I do live a life of honesty as best I can. I’m not stirring crap, manipulating, dragging in distant relatives, etc. It made me feel really good about ME, that my integrity is intact and he can’t touch that. I have nothing to hide and no lies to cover. And, that feels good!!

    The part I’m not really sure about is, bringing up his secrets that I’ve kept for a year….. from my mom. I’m not convinced it was the right thing to do to hold that over his head. I guess because it is likely something either of them would do out of desperation. I wanted to not go there, but like I said, my monster rose up and I could NOT seem to resist. He wasn’t smart enough to withhold his attacks on someone who is keeping his secret. I suppose that’s his fault.

    Anyhow, thanks for your input as always!!
    xoxo,
    Mimi

  21. By: truthbtold Posted: 29th July

    Oh Mimi!!! I had no idea you were going through your own personal bs with your family currently, as well! I HEAR YOU LOUD AND CLEAR! I know I haven’t been on lately, but I didn’t realize you were posting on this threat until now. Wow, those letters are just… horrible. I’m glad my stepdad stays out of things for the most part. I am so proud of you! I think I would have just blocked the email address! You are a very strong person.

    Please take care of yourself. You don’t need this. Their lives are miserable and full of drama, and personally, they seem to enjoy it!

    Take care,

    -truthbtold

  22. By: Mimi Posted: 29th July

    Hi Everyone!!

    Here is the response I typed to my stepdad at my mom’s email address. This is in response to the one “he” sent above from her email addy. I took a few days to think about it. In the meantime, he created his OWN email account (apparently) and while I was typing this message to them below, he was also typing one to me from HIS email account. That email is following this one.

    Stepdad,

    I have already pointed out the lies several times because “your wife” keeps asking. I’m not providing it again.

    Blaming me for your wife’s words about DCFS doesn’t make sense. Blaming me because she didn’t come up off an extra buck at the dollar store for gifts for all the kids makes no sense either. Nor, does her decision NOT to come to the field trip. I haven’t kept you from my Godchild. Your wife did that all by herself.

    The story about $10,000 means nothing. I didn’t offer your money to Godchild’s mom. I told her YOU offered it. And, it wasn’t when I turned XXXXX in to DCFS, it was when Godchilds mom moved 4 hours away. Get your facts straight. No one ever saw a dime of your money, it was only words. Godchild’s mom or I neither one owe you anything for your words.

    If you didn’t want to babysit Godchild, you shouldn’t have.

    Any time or money you spent to “rescue” me from my “many problems” was not an outstanding heroic act. Humane people WANT to help their kids, out of love. It’s the way my uncle, my aunt, my siblings, including step, and MANY other people operate with their kids. EXPECTING to be repaid for letting me move home when I was sick or being abused is an incredible truth leak about YOUR character, and your wife’s, and says volumes about how much either of you truly wanted to help, out of goodness and love instead of a resentful parental responsibility. It sounds like you did it because you’d look like horrible parents if you didn’t. And how much money DID you give me anyway?? “After all I’ve done for you” isn’t the way love works. It’s a sick, distorted, and false definition of love. I’ve lined your pockets pretty well with my real estate transactions, and renting your condo, and I’ve repaid every dime you LOANED me. Is there something else you think I OWE you? Nothing you or her have ever done FOR me, gives you a free pass to lie, manipulate and slander me. There IS no excuse for that.

    A few months ago, my (bio) dad sent me $xx,xxx. It was a free gift. I don’t have to repay it, I didn’t have to sign a ridiculous contract, and I wasn’t told what to do with it. It was given freely. That blows a big fat hole in your wife’s claims that my dad doesn’t love me, never has, and never will and I’m stupid if I believe he does. If I should ever have a need for anything in the future, you’re completely off the hook. Again, don’t blame me for HER words.

    I said I surrender. You are both free to talk as much crap as you want. You need never “rescue” me again, which is a laugh since I have a husband, an uncle, two sisters, a biological father, a paternal aunt, etc. You can both rest easy knowing I won’t come to you. This includes whatever inheritance you love to talk about. I doubt there is any, and if there is, I don’t need it, or want it.

    I will regard the list of lies or promises you’ve compiled as crap, since you didn’t produce it. Claiming I’ve lied because I said your wife did, is called deflection, diversion, or projection, and it’s designed to take the focus off of her guilt. It doesn’t work!!
    Sincerely,
    Mimi

    Below is the email from my stepdad’s OWN email addy, with my response. Since I am to assume I’m dealing solely with him now, I sent him a gentle reminder that I have kept his secrets for over a year. Maybe not the best idea, but, I haven’t heard a word from either of them since. I did succeed in shutting his dumbA$$ up!! I felt like I had a third eye in the middle of my forehead or something when he mentioned my “many problems”. As if he’s so above me!! GRRRRR!! Truth is, he’s trash. Here it is…….

    Stepdad again, you just told another mistruth ,(lie), why would your mother embarss you , her and me by telling the her brother in law about the names and accusations you have made towards her. This is nothing to be proud of. It has been 3 days and I haven’t received your huge list of lies that your mother has told. Do you need more time to come up with supposed lies . It only took me about 30 minutes to come up with your list!!!!

    I think the best way to settle this is to meet with your minister and ask him how Jesus talked to his mother. What happened to honor thy father and mother? Maybe your minister can explain this to us and you need to be sure to fact check your list of tales as I will be checking them. I am willing to go at any time with your minister, call me at XXX-XXXX and don’t bother your mother any more with all this bullshit!! You are dealing with me now not her.

    And remember I am a Gemini , they always win, remember you said that.
    Stepdad

    My reply because I could NOT keep my mouth shut……

    Stepdad,
    So pathetic that you actually do think this is about winning. You failed to read the part I wrote about surrendering. I already surrendered. You have no other reason to contact me.

    I just sent an email to your wife’s address. READ IT!!!! Her brother in law has said that MOTHER went to him saying she knew nothing about me being paid to help grandma!! Who’s lying about that??? Brother in law, or your wife???

    I have already SPELLED out what lies I want accountability for. If YOUR WIFE hasn’t shared that with you, it’s not my problem. I am not obligated to YOU to spell it out YET AGAIN! Get it from your wife!!!! I’ve already spelled it out at and I have all those emails!!! If you want answers, speak to HER!!!

    You need to check how much YOU are being deceived as well before you start attacking me!!

    You have asked me to keep your secrets and I have done that. Your angry verbal attacks are making me want to REALLY tell your wife…. and I DO have them on recording!

    I live a life of honesty. I have no reason to believe you have a list. You keep talking, but your not producing.

    There it is folks…. nothing at all since then (last night). He’s not so bright to bully and attack someone who has dirt on him. Haha!! I just feel satisfied to bring that up to him. The evil in me rose to the surface!! Anyhow, I plan to block him now since I’ve had a chance to respond and defend myself. My points have been clearly made and that’s what I wanted. Being silent (I feared) would allow them to fill in the blanks and make up all kinds of crap about how they cornered me and I had no response. I didn’t want that. I suppose never getting to defend myself has created a monster in me. I am learning though, and thankful for that.

    Peace to all,
    Mimi

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 29th July

      MIMI !!!
      WOW! Your communication to your step father is clear and fantastic. It is straightforward with NO rabbit trails and no loopholes! It is THE TRUTH! Good for you. I am so proud to read all of your words. Your step dad is a bully and a pretty confident one too! I don’t think he is going to know what hit him! YAY you!

      Having said that, I want to point something out about what you say in your last paragraph to US here; Watch out for your “self talk”; you say that the “evil in you” rose to the surface. ???? Why is anything you said evil? and you also say “never getting to defend myself has created a monster in me”. A really smart and lovable self loving and empowered monster I hope! Those are the little things that can drag us back down into the spin of “was it me?”

      Hugs and Love,
      Darlene

  23. By: Mimi Posted: 29th July

    Pam,
    Your statement, “He abandoned me because I was out of control and in order to help me, he would have to take some of the responsibility for the condition I was in.” I can’t tell you how much this statement has clarified things for me. I was a little out of control too. I’m not sure it was as bad as my mother made it seem, but I was not a perfect teen for sure. She liked to pretend I was a felon. Cry and create drama because of things like a speeding ticket. Oh, that just destroyed her world and she was at a total loss as to what to do with me. And, those were her words.

    I have really taken so much from all the comments about my stepdad. The drama has continued and I failed to not defend myself. I think it comes from never being able to for so many years. Mother would back me into a corner at home, where no one else could hear, and tell me how horrible I was and the family agreed. I think a result of that is that I have a burning need to defend myself. I haven’t quite learned the ever valuable lesson that it just feeds the monster. BUT, I have said enough now. I feel relief and that I won’t need to engage any further. My husband and a friend have both said (as well as people here), it just keeps me stirred up. The best thing is to route those emails to spam. That way, I don’t even see it. I do want to post the recent correspondence. Mostly because I’m not sure if I handled it with dignity. They’re famous claim is that I’m angry, so I tried to write without any anger whatsoever. My stepdad, however, got increasingly angry and that is evident.

    Love to all,
    Mimi

  24. By: Mimi Posted: 29th July

    Pam,
    Your statement, “He abandoned me because I was out of control and in order to help me, he would have to take some of the responsibility for the condition I was in.” I can’t tell you how much this statement has clarified things for me. I was a little out of control too. I’m not sure it was as bad as my mother made it seem, but I was not a perfect teen for sure. She liked to pretend I was a felon. Cry and create drama because of things like a speeding ticket. Oh, that just destroyed her world and she was at a total loss as to what to do with me. And, those were her words.

    I have really taken so much from all the comments about my stepdad. The drama has continued and I failed to not defend myself. I think it comes from never being able to for so many years. Mother would back me into a corner at home, where no one else could hear, and tell me how horrible I was and the family agreed. I think a result of that is that I have a burning need to defend myself. I haven’t quite learned the ever valuable lesson that it just feeds the monster. BUT, I have said enough now. I feel relief and that I won’t need to engage any further. My husband and a friend have both said (as well as people here), it just keeps me stirred up. The best thing is to route those emails to spam. That way, I don’t even see it. I do want to post the recent correspondence. Mostly because I’m not sure if I handled it with dignity. They’re famous claim is that I’m angry, so I tried to write without any anger whatsoever. My stepdad, however, got increasingly angry and that is evident.

    Love to all,
    Mimi

  25. By: Mimi Posted: 29th July

    Hi Gifted,
    These people are all cut from the same mold it seems. I have gotten even more crap from him since the letter above. I will paste it here in a few minutes. I know when I’m being blatantly offended, but I still can’t always read between the lines. I can’t see some of the hidden messages and I have trouble knowing what some statements are designed to do. So, I’ve shared them here to help decipher. He really started bullying me in the last 24 hours. I kept my cool. I haven’t told anyone to EFF off!! And, here is where my progress is evident. I didn’t cry. I have spent some mind space on it, which is what they want, I’m sure. But, hubby got some movies last night and we did a little marathon. That helped keep my mind off of it. Sometimes, it seems like they live there rent free. I am now in a place where I’m ready to block emails and move on. It’s not rent free anymore and they just stir me up. My mother’s counselor just compounds the problem. Fortunately, after living with this kind of manipulation for a lifetime, I have insight and forethought that they never imagined they instilled in me. They never think someone will outsmart them. But, I have in some ways. EFB has really helped me know what is acceptable and what isn’t. I’m sorry you’re going through this too. I does prove we aren’t alone though.
    Hugs and Peace,
    Mimi

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