The Motivation Behind Freedom ROCKS by Mimi

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emerging from broken and Freedom ROCKS
Freedom ROCKS

Our survivor and EFB global community event “Freedom ROCKS” will this coming weekend on May 12th and 13th.  Today I am happy to have Mimi share her story about what Freedom ROCKS represents to her. I hope you will consider sharing this no cost virtual event with others. For information on how you can get involved see the Freedom ROCKS about page here. ~ Darlene

 The Motivation Behind Freedom ROCKS! By Mimi

Hello Everyone! My name is Mimi, and I am excited and honored to celebrate “Freedom ROCKS”.  For me this event will represent taking my life and power back, once and for all. I am 43 years old, and for the majority of my life, I’ve been in the shadow of my abuser; under her thumb. I have continually tried to fit into the perfect little box she designed. The box had very rigid walls and came with fine lines and stringent expectations. Nearly every decision or thought of my own has been run through my internal filter that separated out ideas or actions that would be viewed as impressive, acceptable, weak, wealthy, good enough, strong, mentally ill, poor, unacceptable, trashy, classy, lazy, smart, foolish, stupid, entitled, guilty, judged, loathed, an embarrassment, dependent. The list goes on.

There has been a black cloud over my head that enveloped all these implications and consequences for as far back as I can remember. The cloud has prevented me from living a life of independence, self love, self acceptance, self esteem, affection, freedom, equal value, and that list goes on as well. It meticulously dictated a life of anxiety, fear, depression, self hatred, self injury, rage, mental illness, addictions, withdrawal, social fears, phobias, uncontrollable emotions, and an overall sense of being caged up. I’ve carried this baggage along in life and it has affected every close relationship I’ve had, my professional life, my decisions, and my education.

I was not the same as my siblings. They somehow managed to stay within the lines most of the time. They were high achievers. I was a disappointment in every way I can imagine. I consistently made poor decisions according to my abuser. I was bullied, verbally, and emotionally abused, and neglected because I couldn’t measure up. There were a few times I was physically abused as well, but for me, that didn’t leave the marks on my soul quite like not being good enough, or loved and accepted for the person I am. I was the scapegoat. I was brainwashed to believe that my abuser came before me. Her emotions and her pain were more important than mine. I had no value. I was to put everything aside to attend to how things affected her, even when it came to my own illness. My thoughts and feelings meant nothing, and I was trained to believe that. Until last year, I did believe it.

The rigid rules were established to maintain appearances, at all costs. If we were well dressed and closed mouthed, all was well. It was called tough love by my abuser. The mixed message was, there was no “love” in it; only “tough”. My life has been absent of affection, words of love or encouragement, support, and acceptance by my abuser. If child rearing and/or tough love means providing a roof, food, and clothing, then my parents did a stellar job. (my father was a raging alcoholic who left when I was 11. His only representation in the family dynamic was one of alcohol and violence). Affection, human touch, acceptance, and loving words and hugs were replaced by insults, demeaning insinuations, lies, gossip, manipulation, triangulation, projection, brutal consequences, and confirmation that I was a big nothing on a direct flight to loserville. In the secret dialogue within the walls of our home, my abuser convinced me that she was all I had, that her opinion of me was accurate, and that all of my family, extended and immediate, agreed with her. I had no one to turn to who would believe MY story. I have finally learned that the only person who needs to believe my story is me.

The key attached to my freedom rock represents a locked door. Behind that door is a closet that holds all of the insults, manipulation, lies, gossip, abuse, powerlessness, false beliefs, pain, and every self abusive thought or action they represent. Attaching the key to a rock means it can never resurface. It will sit at the bottom of the lake drowning out all the whispers of disapproval, lack of acceptance and love, and it will drag the black cloud down with it.

Please join me and others in the event that will symbolize our freedom. Knowing we’re all doing it together forms a network of strength and support for each other. Together we can celebrate freedom, because FREEDOM ROCKS!!

With Hope,

Mimi

As always please feel free to share your comments with Mimi and I and the other readers here. Think about what Freedom ROCKS could mean to you.  For more information about Freedom ROCKS and how you can participate see the Freedom ROCKS “about page” here. Stay tuned for more posts and info. You may want to sign up for updates in the right side bar. (look for the confirmation email when you sign up)  There will also be updates on the Facebook Page for Emerging from Broken ~ Darlene Ouimet, founder of Emerging from Broken.

Related posts ~ Going forward; Looking back ~ the process of emotional healing

Not being Heard and finding my Voice

145 response to "The Motivation Behind Freedom ROCKS by Mimi"

  1. By: Mimi Posted: 17th May

    Carole,
    You’ve been through a lot these past few days. I understand wanting feelings to go away. Wanting pain to go away. I agree things do hurt so much. I had a very good feeling about you meeting with the girl. I didn’t have time to write it that day, but I felt it was going to be a positive thing. I’m happy for everyone involved, that it went well, that they were grateful parents. What a roller coaster of emotions you’ve been through this week. I hope you have some time to rest and process.
    Thanks for coming back to share.
    Peace and hope to you,
    Mimi

  2. By: changesandnewbeginnings Posted: 17th May

    Darlene, (comments 106-108)
    I think I understand the difference now!
    Approval seeking is more of looking for acceptance rather than a validation of emotion. So I’m not approval seeking it’s the seeking of validation from so many yrs of invalidation!

    Mimi 🙂 is all good, I love what you call rambling, it helps me to know that I’m not alone! I would have to say I was more confused by the apology.

    Just a ‘personal’ thought or reflection with what Carole is discussing with the young girl and the pain that has arisen being a validation for both, that the pain is real, and both will benefit in the long run knowing that it’s ok to acknowledge these emotions. It is very difficult and very real! It’s in the weakness that we gain strength, knowledge, compassion, etc.,etc.?!
    Once again I stress this is: a ‘personal’ thought or reflection!
    I’m always thinking and sorting! I haven’t read the book but have always like the title, “Battlefield of the Mind” by Joyce Meyer.

    Hugs

  3. By: Carole Posted: 16th May

    I’m going to see my psychologist twice a week…going back tomorrow night. Why would this not be about me??? Because SHE wanted to see me and I’m supposed to be strong and I’m not supposed to feel my feelings of 2 yrs ago. I’m working on my feelings with my psychologist for about 2 months now. Started with writing a letter to my dad but I didn’t give it to him but since then I’ve been…I don’t know… confused at times and tonight wasn’t about me but I let myself feel that ugly pain again from being in the hospital for over 6 months 2 yrs ago. I remember what happened but I never dealt with my feelings and now it’s coming out but at the wrong time…ughhh It hurts so much ;( I want those feelings to go away..grrrr

  4. By: Carole Posted: 16th May

    It went well… I’m overwhelmed right now… I feel numb in my thinking. does that make any sense? Her parents were there and when I was introduced to them by her they hugged me and started crying and told me THANK YOU. They told me that i saved their daughter. I just don’t know how to feel right now.

    I see myself in her place….why am I hurting right now. I feel like I’m there again…I can’t explain it…it’s weird. I saw and felt when I had that piece of glass in my hand and they negotiated with me for a few hours before I let it go and this was in the hospital and when I was tied up… everything I went through… shit I’m feeling back those feelings like if it was yesterday. It hurts to think about my past… I was there for her but I was feeling her hurt… it stur up some feelings really bad I don’t want to feel that hurt again but I know this time I have to and deal with them. shit it hurts. I really don’t know how I feel right now…so confusing. It’s not supposed to be about me… I didn’t tell her how seeing her was making me feel…I tried to be there for her the best I could. I’m so overwhelmed and confused

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 16th May

      Wow Carole,
      That is great that they are showed such appreciation! It isn’t so great that you are so triggered by the whole event. There must be something still to deal with. Perhaps you can talk to your psychologist again? Don’t sit with these feelings too long. I totally understand your confusion! Why would this not be about you??
      Hugs, Darlene

  5. By: SMD Posted: 16th May

    Carole,
    Hope your visit goes well. If you feel up to it, keep us posted on the outcome. No doubt, that listening & being there for her shows you care. Sending Positive Vibes!
    Hugs, Sonia

  6. By: Carole Posted: 16th May

    Thanks Sonia and Darlene. I did call her back and we talked a bit and I decided to go see her tonight. still have anxiety about it and trying to think positive about it. I just thought after Monday night that I wouldn’t see any of those girls again.

    I want to be there for this girl. I know she has so much pain as last Monday she was the one that ran out of the room at one point. It’s just that I’ve been in her state of mind 2 yrs ago and sometimes even if someone tells you that they love you, or understands, or anything positive you don’t always see it or feel it. When the hurt is overwhelming and that’s all you feel… you can put a million dollars infront of that person and it won’t mean anything to them. I’m scared to say the wrong thing. But refusing to see her might hurt her very much too.

    My psychologist doesn’t know why she wants to see me and she thinks it’s positive.

    oh and by the way thanks for the hugs 🙂 xoxox

  7. By: SMD Posted: 16th May

    Carole,
    OMG…No wonder why you feel anxious about visiting this girl. It brings up your own trauma. My heart goes out to you. You did not deserve to be treated terribly by your friends mother, during a traumatic time, for both of you. It was so cruel for them to have blamed you! Then, banning you from the funeral was Wrong! When I think about this, it seems like the family projected their guilt & anger onto you, instead of taking responsibility for their behavior & where they messed up with their daughter. To depend on you to have taken care of their child’s needs is messed up!…I’m angry for you.

    It’s your choose to visit this girl, however, it will be painful. Sounds like you want to be there for her, however, be there for yourself. You can always send a card with a written message of hope & peace. It’s a hard call. Just remember, you are not responsible for her. You are Not a failure. Keep your head up & hope you feel better soon. Take Care of You.
    Hugs,
    Sonia

  8. By: Carole Posted: 16th May

    Thanks everyone, I got a call from my psychologist today telling me that this young girl was out of ICU. Also this young girl asked to see me. My anxiety is off the roof now and I’m so confused to what to do. I’m scared… I don’t want to say the wrong things again if I go. Why would she want to see me again after I gave her the last push to end her life. Are her parents going to be there? Are they blaming me?
    When I was 14yrs I met this girl…she bullied me at first but then got to be very good friends. I had told her that i would be there for her ALWAYS…she was on drugs and was in a bad situation but even if I wasn’t taking drugs we understood each other because both our dads were abusive and we trusted each other to share our pain. One night she called me and asked for me to come over, that she needed me. I couldn’t go right away and told her that. When I was able to go I got to her place and her mom said that she wasn’t home. I went to look for her and couldn’t find her. Her mom would always say that I was a blessing to her daughter as i was always there for her and she was glad that we were friends. The next day at school her mom came to see me and told me that they had found her daughter dead. She had committed suicide and then she started yelling at me telling me that it was all my fault. I had promised her that I would ALWAYS be there for her and I had failed. I was told that I wasn’t invited to the funeral home nor the funeral…I never had a chance to say goodbye to her (shit, this is still so hard)
    Well, what happened on Monday night reminded me of that day and I can’t go through that again. I had failed that night and I failed on Monday night too. Now this young lady wants to see me…why? she’s so better without seeing me again. I just don’t want to screw up again.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 16th May

      Hi Carole
      If your psychologist is the one who is relaying the message, I would think it will not be a repeat of the past. Perhaps the girl wants to know more details about HOW you overcame your obstacles. I also strongly suggest that you call your pshychologist back and tell him or her exactly what you have shrared here. This will give you the reassurance that you should go see the girl or not from someone who is familiar with both situations.

      Thank you for sharing the story of your past. Those people were very unfair to you. You did not fail anyone. What a horrible thing to get blamed for! I understand your fear of this new young girl and her situation.
      Hugs, Darlene

  9. By: Mimi Posted: 16th May

    Darlene,
    Thank you for clarifying.

    Changesandnewbeginnings,
    I’m sorry if I said so much I confused you!! I don’t want to add to the confusion of the process. It’s confusing enough!! I was just rambling really!! 🙂

    Love,
    Mimi

  10. By: changesandnewbeginnings Posted: 16th May

    Darlene & Mimi,

    It just dawned on me in re-reading your responses to me and the feeling I feel getting that response! I thought I was over that approval seeking, ha, guess not! Also in realization… I have been finding validation in the writings for emotional things that I have felt, thought, and ah ha I’ve said that before! Yes, ah ha, Thank you 🙂

    Lots of loving hugs on/for this journey of changes and new beginnings!

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 16th May

      Changesandnewbeginnings
      There is nothing wrong with that feeling. I don’t think it is really the same as “approval seeking” ~ I think it comes from having been invalidated for so long that we don’t trust ourselves or our own judgments anymore. I think it is really much more about seeking self empowerment and self healing through affirmation from each other.
      Validation is something that I was starved for, and could never admit it because it just felt so hopeless.
      Thanks for sharing!
      Hugs, Darlene

  11. By: Mimi Posted: 16th May

    Carole,
    I’m so sorry to hear about your second talk. It may seem earth shattering; but it’s no fault of your own. Help and change are often born from tragic events it seems. This girl really needed help and not because of the words you spoke. She clearly has very deep injuries ~ not caused by you. I hope there is consolation in knowing that, although it’s a tragic event, she’s likely being heard now. And, that’s probably what she needed all along. Someone is guilty, but it’s not you. I hope you know that.

    Drained,
    I understand the need to step back too. Sometimes the stuff that comes up in revelations is overwhelming and so painful for me. When I have a new revelation or a setback, I can be nearly disabled and wondering if I’ll bounce back. When it finally passes, I’m a little stronger and more aware. I guess there is beauty in a setback, but it sure is hard to see that at the time. Hope you’re doing well.

    Changesandnewbeginnings,
    Wow, I’m really sorry this happened to you with your uncle. I know how literally debilitating it would be for me when my mom would dole out poison about me. How I’m so crazy or hot tempered, or difficult, or just like my dad, etc. Some of the most damaging and painful memories I have, are from my mother brainwashing my family to believe I was useless. And, I knew they felt that way. It’s hard to hide looking down your nose at someone. That feeling that there is no one, you have no one to turn to. Darlene had said a few weeks ago that it is a very lonely process. I agree. But, somehow, I’ve started to rely on my own instincts and disregard the approval of others. Just recently I’ve realized this is my own battle, and I’m doing it alone, I’ve since felt a little empowered ~ some measure of independence that I’ve never felt before. I didn’t know I could make my own decision and feel okay with it, without running it through the filter of others. With each independent step I take, I feel like I’m on more stable ground. Like, it really is okay to do my own thing. I don’t need approval, because I approve. That is an immeasurable freedom I never thought I would know. I have thought a lot lately about who the crazy ones are, and their judgment of me. My mom raised my siblings and I differently. People have said here that they’ve experienced that too, and that being angry or not coping well, or having anxiety or depression….. it’s a natural response to the way we were treated. A natural human response….. so, I’m just reacting to something the REAL crazy person did, yet she made it out to be me. And, unfortunately, everyone bought into it. It doesn’t matter to me now. The truth is, denial is a comfortable place to be for some. It wasn’t working for me. I was dying and I knew it. Now, I’m in the process of saving my own life, of finding my own value, despite the crap my mom has said. Some of the very worst days of my life have occurred over the last year. I was looking closely at a full bottle of xanax on occasion. My mother planted all the little seeds in my head that would come to grow into all out self hatred. At 43, I was running in circles, trying to find why I wasn’t content. That’s not living, and I wanted to LIVE!! I’m so familiar with that very painful feeling of rejection from family. Know you are not alone. You won’t be silenced or hung up on here. You will be cared for, and I hope you keep coming back. 🙂
    Peace and Hope,
    Mimi

  12. By: Drained Posted: 15th May

    Thank you, Mimi (comment 80), you’re kind to say that. Not feeling too chatty here lately. Extra down in the dumps due to mother’s day, and other unrelated crap I’m dealing with right now. All the revelations and reading I’m doing is giving me emotional overload and have to take a break sometimes. The healing certainly doesn’t happen over night, and there are always setbacks, but all part of the process, I guess.

    Keep healing, everyone.

  13. By: SMD Posted: 15th May

    Carole,
    P.S. I was insightful & aware of my own problems, that I was able to help many sick people in the last 20 years. Despite my own trauma, I had the empathy, education & skills to help others who were disabled, mentally ill & developmentally disabled. I look back & wonder how did I do it. Well, I had the desire & tenacity to make a difference. I had to work through my feelings of shame & guilt, when I decided to leave my work. I dealt with feelings of inadequency that I wasn’t strong enough, however, I did it even with my own problems & traumas. That speaks from an inner strength or spirit, which you seem to possess!
    Peace,
    Sonia

  14. By: SMD Posted: 15th May

    Carole,
    I’m sorry to hear your talk didn’t go well. Your so brave to face & talk about the abuse to other abused teens. I can only imagine that would be hard to do. I know I wouldn’t be strong enough…I’d break down in tears. It wasn’t until recently, that I was able to talk about my abuse here & with my counselor without falling apart. There are so many variables that could trigger past feelings & flashbacks.

    Just want to say, You are not responsible for another person’s actions. I had to learn this too. The shame or guilt is not ours to carry. It’s seems like this girl was not ready emotionally to face the truth. It is anxiety provoking for a victim to even acknowledge the damage. Denial is an effective defense for all the pain. It’s not coping but it serves to protect. Sorry about the rambling…I tend to analyze too much. Don’t throw the towel in yet. You are doing Good Work & it will help others!
    Keep your head up & your heart open,
    Sonia

  15. By: changesandnewbeginnings Posted: 15th May

    Carole,
    I also wanted to welcome you here took me awhile of reading before saying boo/hi! Your story resonates well! I went inpatient at a M.I.C.A (mentaly ill chemical abuser)unit back in Aug.1995 I couldn’t take the suicidal thoughts anymore, I was a danger to myself & my children! I have had to fight a lot of suicidal ideation since then but keep reminding myself that would be letting the world win & I have come to far in this battle to turn back now!

    Loving hugs, keep fighting & never give up!

  16. By: changesandnewbeginnings Posted: 15th May

    A confession:
    Mothers day, the day I chose to do my freedom rock(s), I was suppose to return to my mother a few of her bird’s. Knowing that I have done nothing but upset the apple cart by backing off from the family and it being a mothers day 3 day family reunion I decided I couldn’t take her these birds! So I very nervously (actually shacking) called her. My step-dad answered the phone, that didn’t help, next thing I knew my uncle was on the phone (I idolized my uncle as a child). So I said hi sorry I missed seeing you he said he really wanted to see me but was about to head back to Ohio. So I proceeded to v. nervously tell him I loved him & to have a safe trip home, but as I said I love the line went dead, so I called back, he answered, I proceeded to tell him same & line went dead! Now my mind rationalized that it was my cell dropping the call. I didn’t try to call back just figured he would try calling me back, Nope! Looking at my phone I had 3 antenna bars, at this point I realize it’s not my phone I’m being hung up on!!!
    I had a feeling this was the way it was gonna be that’s why I was so nervous calling to begin with and didn’t want to return the birds!
    Now I have been struggling (very mentally) with the fact that I have all these relatives & people associated with my family as friends on my facebook profile page.
    I feel hurt & just want to unfriend them all even if they haven’t said anything or just because they haven’t! Back in Oct. 2011 I had sent a few of them (friends&relatives) the article where my step-dad had new charges pending on him… Not a single response received!!!

    When I threw my freedom rock(s) it felt great but now I feel as though I may have to throw them many times over!
    It’s my natural reaction not to want to post this because I still hear all the dysfunctional voices in my head to why it isn’t important & why it shouldn’t be about me!

    Loving hugs to all… I know how hard it is to except the fact that someone might truly care & that we aren’t just out there having our own pity party with the world’s smallest violin!

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 15th May

      Hi Changesandnewbeginnings
      I am sorry this happened to you. I came to understand how many “punishments” there were in my family when I didn’t do what was expected of me. I drew my boundary and decided that I would no longer accept those punishments. That is a process though.
      The rock is only a symbol of the decison. We have to continue to do the work around healing the damage. This IS about you and sometimes feeling sorry for ourselves is a necessary part of self validation! It was a huge thing for me to learn to validate myself; I was addicted to believing that my family had to do it, and I kept seeking them out for that but it was when I validated ME that I healed.
      Hang in there!
      Hugs, Darlene

  17. By: Carole Posted: 15th May

    Thanks Mimi for being so kind and loving. After last night I won’t be sharing much of my abuse anymore. I was invited for the second time to talk to a group of teens that had been abused and it didn’t go well. I lost it and cried and anxiety kicked in and one of the girls after the session tried to end her life because she didn’t want to feel the pain I was living with. I was invited to talk and give them hope but instead she tried to end her life. People told me so many times that I will be good talking about my past because I’ve been through so much and how I’m still alive today…but I have to accept that I’m not that good of a speaker. I have to accept that it’s not for me. All I wanted to show them was …there’s hope and they can conquer it. I think that it’s about time that my story shuts down. If sharing makes people worst it’s not worth it.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 15th May

      Hi Carole,
      I am so sorry that this happened but please know it wasn’t your fault that it went this way. Sometimes it is overwhelming for people to hear how hard it is to recover and to get to the place of peace. The journey is very tough, and some people are not willing to face it. If it were easy the world would not be so messed up and we would have nothing to share with each other here. You are right; there IS hope and they CAN conquer it. Just keep going, keep striving with your own healing.
      Hugs, Darlene

  18. By: SMD Posted: 14th May

    Mimi,
    Thanks for your kind words & support. My mom rubbed me the wrong way, but it certainly did not crush me. I still had an awesome Mother’s Day! My dtr didn’t seemed fazed at all by her grandma… but she doesn’t get it yet & I’m not going to bring it up about her rude grandma. If she ever brings up how grandma hurts her feelings, I will validate her feelings and not cover for my mom’s behavior. Yes it would be Nice to choose our families. Like the saying goes, “We can’t choose our family but we can choose our friends”…We can also pick & choose what family members we associate with & how much contact we want to go. Limits & Boundaries that’s what I live by. There are good friends of mine, that I would choose as family in a heart beat! LOL
    Peace,
    Sonia

  19. By: Mimi Posted: 14th May

    Carole,
    You’re very welcome. Thank you for sharing your rock story and sharing the details of the pain you’ve endured. It’s hard to put it out there among people we don’t know. But, in a strange sort of way, it’s easier than telling people we do know. I’m happy you’re a survivor and you’ve decided to join in the conversations. It means so much to everyone (in my opinion) to be able to share the pain and experience. It gives me hope, and it gives others hope too, I believe. Thank you for putting your very personal story out for me/us to read. I hope you keep commenting and reading.

    SMD,
    I am so sorry that happened at your mom’s house the day before Mother’s Day. How cruel to not even look at the artwork of her granddaughter. That art from young ages is an expression of who they are at the time. And, time goes so fast, the art is a sweet memento from different times in their life. That was truly mean.

    My mom has a granddaughter that’s never really fit into her “box” that I described in my post. She’s grown now and in college. She’s a sweet, humble, fun, incredibly SMART, and honest girl. She’s very accepting of others ~ flaws and all. My mom just has a disdain for her. She has always lived about 4 hours away. For years now, each time my mom would see her, at events or whatever, she would come home and tell me how “BIG” she has gotten. Her favorite line I’ve heard so many times is, “So and So just gets bigger every time I see her”!! I could puke!! She’s never been able to acknowledge her beautiful attributes. It’s always been about her appearance. GRRRRRR!!! Anyhow, I’m sorry for your disappointment and I hope it didn’t ruin your Mother’s day or hurt the feelings of your children. That would be a real tragedy. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could choose our earthly family?? There are so many people here I would choose!! Haha!!

    Darlene,
    Heading up to copy and paste now.
    Blessings to everyone,
    Mimi

  20. By: Carole Posted: 14th May

    Mimi, thanks for your comment and welcoming me. I’ve been a silent reader here and never posted… but this Freedom Rock..really rocks 🙂

  21. By: Carole Posted: 14th May

    Thanks Darlene, I’ve been reading your posts and never commented on anything…I was just a quiet reader 🙂 I’ve been through hell and back and dealing with so much stuff in the last 2 yrs. I have support from super good people and I finally found what love is. Well not 100% but I’m working hard on it and trusting. I’ve been encouraged by this one person for 2 yrs now that has changed my life around. I was alone before and tried to end my life 2 yrs ago…when I didn’t succeed my whole life changed. I just want to share a little about me… I hit rock bottom 2 yrs ago and since then I have come up so high…but I still have a long ways to go. I went to talk to a group of teens that where sexually abused last Monday and they were so touched that they have insisted that I go back tonight. These teens have been through hell also and I’m there telling them that there’s hope. After having 10 different people sexually abused me in my 44 yrs of life…I’m able to let them know that there’s hope and support out there. I know you don’t know everything about me..you don’t know my past but hitting rock bottom 2 yrs ago and didn’t succeed to end my life…instead I needed to learn to walk, talk and love again. I felt so much alone and no one was understanding what I was going through…One person stuck with me and never lost hope in me… she’s been by my side since then and still is… she’s my earth guardian angel. NO ONE has ever stood by my side like she has. I am bless to have her in my life today. She went through hell with me but she believed that I was going to be ok. I was holding by a thread many times and she never lost hope on me. When I was in the hospital she was miles and miles away but I was allowed to have a laptop so I could communicate with her by chat. That saved me so many times. My dr was awesome to have let me have a laptop to chat with her as my family wasn’t allowed to come see me neither my husband… I was only allowed 1 person to come and see me and the laptop with just certain people that I could chat with as the dr felt the need to protect me from being hurt again and be upset. From June to Dec I was in the hospital…it was hard because after I was ok physically after my accident I was put in the psychoward as they figured out that I didn’t have an accident…it was on purpose. So doing this Freedom Rock this weekend was a good thing for me because I need to let go of the hurt and especially the anger inside. After my accident I started opening up a lot about my abuses and remembered things that was pushed down so far. Remembering more hurt was not something I wanted…but now in the last few months I’m seeing big changes for me and some much needed healing. Going to talk to a group of teen tonight again for the second time as they wanted to know more about me last week and we didn’t have the time. I told them about my gang rape but didn’t go into details but tonight I will be sharing a lot more…yes I’m scared but if I can give them hope and if they can see that I’m getting better and there is support out there and they are willing to give it a try it will be all worth sharing my hurt and anger with them and make them see that I’m surviving this and I will be ok. I’m in deep therapy at the moment…twice a week because I’m working on the feelings now…got the events out of my system but now I have to deal with the feelings and that is super hard. So doing the rock throwing yesterday DID make me feel better and released some hurt that I don’t want to have anymore. I’m glad that I read your post again and decided to participate. Thanks for inviting me to participate. Love to all xoxo

  22. By: SMD Posted: 14th May

    Mimi,
    I appreciate you for explaining your comment. I know it wasn’t directed towards me and you do share so much about your mom here. I love your insights & consider you a friend. Sorry how I came across. I was feeling sensitive in regards to dear old mom. I took my kids with me to see her the day before Mother’s Day. I wanted to enjoy Mother’s Day with my kids. My daughter made a card for her grandma, and my son & I picked out cards and a pretty Mum plant. All she said was, “You got me a plant?”…All surprised & sarcastic. There was no thank you to my kids. I didn’t expect a thank you towards me, but damn her for not doing that for my kids! She didn’t even look at my dtr’s card, which she made for her. It was a strange visit and my son commented afterwards, that if a neighbor had not stopped in to visit, we would have nothing to say to each other. That’s the truth! I’m feeling nauseous thinking about it. Other than that strange visit, I had a wonderful Mother’s Day!
    Love,
    Sonia

  23. By: Carole Posted: 14th May

    Hi Darlene, this is the first time that I was throwing a rock to symbolize freedom. I have wrote letters and burned it but nothing like this. Yesterday, at Mother’s Day, I got up and went for a drive. Went to my parents cottage to take a rock from there as for me it meant it was a specific rock from where some of the hurt occured in my past. I drew on it there but took it to another place to throw it in the ocean. I drew a black door and a black broken heart and put (=)and then drew a white light and sun. To me that’s what my black door and black broken heart ended up with all the work I’ve been doing come up to a white light and sun. I also wrote (depression, hurt, anger, dad (as he was my first sexual abuser), husband and then I also put others as I have 10 different sexual abusers that hurt me in my whole life. I took a pic of the rock and a pic of when the rock hit the ocean at the peer. I also took a pic of the rock at the bottom of the water as where it dropped it wasn’t that deep but enough for it to not float up again 😉 I took some pics of the ocean where I was also as it was beautiful seeing all this water. NEVER I thought that I would reach this point in my life where I could feel actually some hope. I’m glad that I took the time to do this with so many on this special weekend. I didn’t feel alone.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 14th May

      Hi Carole,
      Thank you for sharing your freedom rocks story on BOTH my freedom rocks post and on Mimi’s post. I hope everyone will feel free to share it in both places.
      Hugs, Darlene

      SMD and Mimi
      The artist that you are speaking of is Leona Lewis. I have that song on one of my work out tapes.

      Mimi
      Please copy and paste your rock story into my post too! Thanks!
      Hugs, Darlene

      Everyone ~ I am getting rock stories from everywhere. In facebook, in email, lots of people took part in this! I am really pleased with the event!
      I posted a video on you tube of my rock throwing too! The first part the audio is messed up from the wind, but it gets better!
      Here is the link:
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rAGYznr8it8

  24. By: Mimi Posted: 14th May

    SMD,
    I am still LC with my mom too. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel stupid AT ALL!! You know that I’m very much in the process too, and focusing on healing. It’s our MOTHER’s we’re talking about. Really, there is no greater bond than that when we’re growing up. It’s incredibly hard to let that go. I cried for months when I realized who she is. I would never want to make anyone feel stupid in this process. It’s VERY painful and confusing.

    Someone had mentioned somewhere that it’s the most abused family members that are the healthiest because they end up doing the work, seeking the truth, making changes, etc. As opposed to brushing it under the rug. Anyone who is struggling to let go of pain and abuse in their life and going through the process of total healing has my respect. It’s a lot of work and facing reality is ugly and painful. I would never disrespect you for the work you do in your own life and wherever you are in your process. I hope you understand that. Again, I’m really sorry if I hurt your feelings. I would never want to do that,
    With love,
    Mimi

  25. By: Mimi Posted: 13th May

    SMD,
    Omg, please understand I didn’t mean that toward you or anyone here. Only toward my mother. 🙁 I hope you didn’t take it that way. I fully understand each persons story is their own, and each person must do what works in the midst of their own family dynamics. It’s often so deep and twisted ~ I wouldn’t presume to know what works for others. My comment was just for my own momster.
    Love,
    Mimi

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