The Motivation Behind Freedom ROCKS by Mimi

emerging from broken and Freedom ROCKS
Freedom ROCKS

Our survivor and EFB global community event “Freedom ROCKS” will this coming weekend on May 12th and 13th.  Today I am happy to have Mimi share her story about what Freedom ROCKS represents to her. I hope you will consider sharing this no cost virtual event with others. For information on how you can get involved see the Freedom ROCKS about page here. ~ Darlene

 The Motivation Behind Freedom ROCKS! By Mimi

Hello Everyone! My name is Mimi, and I am excited and honored to celebrate “Freedom ROCKS”.  For me this event will represent taking my life and power back, once and for all. I am 43 years old, and for the majority of my life, I’ve been in the shadow of my abuser; under her thumb. I have continually tried to fit into the perfect little box she designed. The box had very rigid walls and came with fine lines and stringent expectations. Nearly every decision or thought of my own has been run through my internal filter that separated out ideas or actions that would be viewed as impressive, acceptable, weak, wealthy, good enough, strong, mentally ill, poor, unacceptable, trashy, classy, lazy, smart, foolish, stupid, entitled, guilty, judged, loathed, an embarrassment, dependent. The list goes on.

There has been a black cloud over my head that enveloped all these implications and consequences for as far back as I can remember. The cloud has prevented me from living a life of independence, self love, self acceptance, self esteem, affection, freedom, equal value, and that list goes on as well. It meticulously dictated a life of anxiety, fear, depression, self hatred, self injury, rage, mental illness, addictions, withdrawal, social fears, phobias, uncontrollable emotions, and an overall sense of being caged up. I’ve carried this baggage along in life and it has affected every close relationship I’ve had, my professional life, my decisions, and my education.

I was not the same as my siblings. They somehow managed to stay within the lines most of the time. They were high achievers. I was a disappointment in every way I can imagine. I consistently made poor decisions according to my abuser. I was bullied, verbally, and emotionally abused, and neglected because I couldn’t measure up. There were a few times I was physically abused as well, but for me, that didn’t leave the marks on my soul quite like not being good enough, or loved and accepted for the person I am. I was the scapegoat. I was brainwashed to believe that my abuser came before me. Her emotions and her pain were more important than mine. I had no value. I was to put everything aside to attend to how things affected her, even when it came to my own illness. My thoughts and feelings meant nothing, and I was trained to believe that. Until last year, I did believe it.

The rigid rules were established to maintain appearances, at all costs. If we were well dressed and closed mouthed, all was well. It was called tough love by my abuser. The mixed message was, there was no “love” in it; only “tough”. My life has been absent of affection, words of love or encouragement, support, and acceptance by my abuser. If child rearing and/or tough love means providing a roof, food, and clothing, then my parents did a stellar job. (my father was a raging alcoholic who left when I was 11. His only representation in the family dynamic was one of alcohol and violence). Affection, human touch, acceptance, and loving words and hugs were replaced by insults, demeaning insinuations, lies, gossip, manipulation, triangulation, projection, brutal consequences, and confirmation that I was a big nothing on a direct flight to loserville. In the secret dialogue within the walls of our home, my abuser convinced me that she was all I had, that her opinion of me was accurate, and that all of my family, extended and immediate, agreed with her. I had no one to turn to who would believe MY story. I have finally learned that the only person who needs to believe my story is me.

The key attached to my freedom rock represents a locked door. Behind that door is a closet that holds all of the insults, manipulation, lies, gossip, abuse, powerlessness, false beliefs, pain, and every self abusive thought or action they represent. Attaching the key to a rock means it can never resurface. It will sit at the bottom of the lake drowning out all the whispers of disapproval, lack of acceptance and love, and it will drag the black cloud down with it.

Please join me and others in the event that will symbolize our freedom. Knowing we’re all doing it together forms a network of strength and support for each other. Together we can celebrate freedom, because FREEDOM ROCKS!!

With Hope,


As always please feel free to share your comments with Mimi and I and the other readers here. Think about what Freedom ROCKS could mean to you.  For more information about Freedom ROCKS and how you can participate see the Freedom ROCKS “about page” here. Stay tuned for more posts and info. You may want to sign up for updates in the right side bar. (look for the confirmation email when you sign up)  There will also be updates on the Facebook Page for Emerging from Broken ~ Darlene Ouimet, founder of Emerging from Broken.

Related posts ~ Going forward; Looking back ~ the process of emotional healing

Not being Heard and finding my Voice

Categories : Freedom Rocks



Thanks for sharing! FREEDOM ROCKS!


This is a great post Mimi~ Thanks so much for writing it!

I am having a great response to this already. Emails are pouring in and people are sharing this on facebook. Someone wrote “drop the rock” and it reminded me of “drop the dead weight”. People are signing up for updates and getting excited! I am really excited by the response today! I will keep everyone posted!



Rock On!!


Thanks for this post! You got me motivated for Freedom Rocks this weekend. I needed to see this post, since I’m slipping back today, with the realization that my controlling husband is a Bully- emotionally & verbally! I’m looking forward to this weekend, where I can release my guilt & shame from all the abuse!…I’m weepy today, thinking about this…I deserve to be free of the baggage I’ve been carrying for 43 years just like you. I can so relate to your comments about your family. Your a sweet person & deserve better too!
Your friend,


P.S. Are you on face book?


We are almost there everyone, He mimi, what day again? Actual Mother’s day?? haaha let me know, I want to do it the same day and remember it forever. Great post Mimi, Peace hugs, love and FREEDOM to all of you,

Lauralee xoxo


I can never thank you enough for the work you do and this opportunity to speak out and reach hurting people. I am hoping with Lauralee’s AMAZING idea, we will all be united this weekend…. all across the planet!!
Love to you!!

I am thinking Mother’s day at noon will be my day/time. I’ll meet you there!! :o) Thanks to you too for this awesome idea.

Now, we’re both crying!! Haha!! Your post made me teary for sure!! I’m sorry you’re in a “place”. Realizations are so hurtful. I have realized my husband is representative of my mother in some ways. It’s painful. I wonder if I should be in my marriage at times. But, for now, handling my family is all I can take. When I feel like I’m moving along well in that area, maybe I’ll get to him…… maybe I won’t. I don’t know if it helps, but I can at least say that realizations, no matter how painful they’ve been, have always brought me further along and when the sting and shock wear off, I’m in a better place. I have more clarity and feel a tiny bit more free. I hope you feel better very soon. I’m happy to share the FREEDOM ROCKS event with you. Yes, I am on Facebook. I am anonymous here though. Maybe Darlene can send you my email and we can then hook up on facebook?? I dont know how else to do it and remain anonymous. Truly this is my safe place and I don’t even really want my friends to see my soul typed out on these pages. Darlene, are you able to connect me with Sonia via email?? I would really appreciate. I’d love to be your friend on FB Sonia!!
Blessings and hope,


Mimi and SMD
I sent your email address (mimi) to Sonia.


Mimi, It was so great to see the title of this post with your name as the writer! I’m so proud of you. I know it has been tough but it is really great to hear you be so strong. You’re a fighter. That’s the thing with us scapegoats, we’ve carried so much weight that never belonged to us but when we get out from under that weight, it is amazing how strong we are! What was meant to hurt us and keep us down built some incredibly strong emotional muslces! You go girl!



Hi Everyone
I just got back in the house from “rock hunting” and I found my rock! It was easy since I had only to walk in the pasture for 10 minutes, but it was really cool to have picked the ROCK!

Update! ~ the freedom rocks about page has been read by 700 people already! (I get stats in the back end of the blog) and that is unique people! (not spam or robots)

This is catching on mostly through facebook shares I think! Other advocacy groups are sharing this exciting event with their networks!

Hugs, Darlene


Thank you, Mimi, for doing this, and thank you Darlene again for the site you have here. I sat in my car at lunch while ago reading Mimi’s article above, and then I read it again, and again, and again, each time I was thinking more and more of what my rock will be like and sobbing more and more as I did. I’m not sure why, but the thought of this has had a much more visceral effect on me than anything in a long time. Thank you again.


There is something really deep about doing something, taking the action of doing something like this; I get emotional thinking about it too. I have overcome so much and yet there is still more I can put on my rock. There is still things that I want to declare my freedom about! I am going to host this event twice a year! (nice to hear from you Eddie!)
Hugs, Darlene


P.S everyone!!
My husband came in just now and I updated him on how many emails and comments that I am getting and the site is getting from people who are going to throw a freedom rock and he said he is going to do one too!
Hugs, Darlene


I’m happy for you Darlene, you’ll remember it forever!!!!!
Peace, hugs, and love, and freedom most of all,

Lauralee xoxo


You are such an inspiration Darlene!! When i found your Facebook page, i felt like i found a sister, one that actually wants to show the world that we can do anything, and always have grace and be proud of our success!!You have empowered so so so many souls that have broke free from the abusers or are breaking free. I am 57 and found my wings last year!!My Rock and key are ready to throw into the ocean!! Blessings


wow, this has sure taken off, well done you all.
today is the start of my next chapter, as i finish uni and await my results in july. reading the post made me think about how long i had struggled not to take the blame for what a train wreck my childhood was, hell she had other options and didnt take them, not my fault. and i can say that and truely belive it. that is something i wouldnt have been able to do 2 n 1/2 yrs ago when i came across this site. oh my gosh angels do truely get put into place in weird places. you gave the the insight that i needed because you had already gotten past where i was and had a knack of posting just what i needed as i needed it. a knack you havent lost by the way darlene.
so i thank you once again for helping my release some of the weight that bogged me down.


Hi Debbie
Thank you! I would love to throw my rock in the ocean and I think I am going to arrange to have the event when I am near the ocean maybe next year!
Yay for finding your wings! Great to hear that you are joing the freedom rocks event!!!
Welcome to EFB ~ hugs, Darlene


Welcome Debbie,

I sure am glad you found us and that you will be participating in Freedom Rocks, good for you. Be pround of who you are, remember, when the student is ready the teachers will come. This site is amazing, so much support here, and love, unconditional love, and people listen AND hear what you have to say and feel.
I wish you all the happiness, love, hugs, peace and Freedom that life can possibly offer you. Angels do work in funny ways, you know that if you tell God your plans he just laughs at you. Throw your rock and get rid of that negative weight you’ve been carrying from place to place, you’ll feel so liberated!!
Good luck,



I so believe our abusers have to be related. I feel like taking your “key tied to a rock” quite literally and throwing into the nearest lake and or pond to drowned out all the negative voices. I have drawn a boundry across my heart, but sometimes snide remarks and abusive stuff still filters through. I think chuking my “Freedon Rock” into the lake will be a big step in my healing because its something I can physically do and see. Although I think I’ll need a Freedom Boulder, I want to do this so much. So Sunday at noon my Boulder and I will head to the lake, and I’ll watch it and all the mental and physical abuse, and neglect sink and quite possibly feel like I can breathe again. Like I can be me, or actually find “me.” I know I’m in here somewhere and Emerging from Broken, Freedom Rocks, my husband and counselor are helping me find a little more me everyday, And helping me realize that I am not alone in this others have gone through the same things and lived to tell the tale. And lived to tell the truth I should say.


Darlene, Mimi, I’ve been struggling with “Freedom Rocks” because it comes at a time when a whole new layer of abuse has emerged for me to deal with and after having fought so long, thinking I was to the bottom of it, and then finding I’ve still a lot of work to do, I’m just not feeling that free at present. Then I read your post again, Mimi and I realized that what people say about an abusive childhood isn’t true. The abuse doesn’t end when an abused child reaches adulthoood, it continues until all parties are dead unless the abused person stands up for themselves and stops the abuse. So right now, I’m feeling like I may never be free and will be doing some sort of inner healing workd for the rest of my life but I can celebrate the fact that I finally, stood up to the abuse and stopped it. I don’t know if my past will ever be done with me but my past is no longer repeating itself in my present. No more manipulation, crtisism, put downs, lies, inuendos, scapegoating, shame-casting, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, no more being treated as defective. I’m not completely healed, yet but I am finally, free to heal. Thanks Darlene and Mimi and everyone else who contributes by sharing their struggle here. You have encouraged me to change my world.



I just found this site and I can’t stop crying, but I’m so happy too. I am so excited to participate in the Freedom Rocks event. My healing has been a long process and this is just the most PERFECT action I could do before my birthday the end of this month. Thank you to all that are involved in this.



I’m sorry to hear about your recent discoveries. I’m not doing as well as I’d like to be either. I don’t want to downplay the advances I’ve experienced. I don’t cry every day. I don’t cry often. It just feels like my life has no sparkle anymore. I’m existing, not thriving and really enjoying the things I used to get so much enjoyment from. I can’t figure out where that zest went. I have taken a few steps back in that I have forgotten to remind myself that I was the CHILD, the responsibility lies with the parents. My sisters are aloof, which I’ve recently mentioned. I had a moment where I realized this and it was terribly painful. Now, I see that I was doing all the work in keeping the relationships alive. I gave up that work and now there’s nothing. I’m doing fairly well accepting that. The hangup I have is a nagging sensation that somehow it IS me. With fewer and fewer people advocating, the feeling I’m defective has started to creep back in. I’m not sure how to shake it. I suppose just constant reminders to myself. I wonder if I’ll ever be free too Pam.


Hi everyone,
I haven’t been getting the updates here so I’m thrilled to see so people are joining us. I’m sorry for what it’s taken each person to get here though.

Love and hope and FREEDOM to each of you, myself included 🙂


Hi MayLadybug62
And it is exciting to have you “join us” for the freedom rocks event to!!!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi shary
Welcome to emerging from broken
That is what I thought when Lauralee first shared that she was going to do this; I saw it as something symbolic that others could do to feel as though they were “taking action” .
I found myself on this journey. There is so much hope for that. It was one of the greatest gifts born out of doing the work. I am glad you are here.
Hugs, Darlene


Hi Pam
Just wanted to say that there were many stages and levels that I went through before I knew my past was finally not getting in my way anymore. There are still little things, but they are so minor now and they take minutes to resolve.
I am glad that you are here too!
Hugs, Darlene


Mimi, I guess you and I will have to remind ourselves to look at how far we’ve come whenever it seems we still have so far to go. You’ve been through a lot the last few years and me too. Some days, I’m just plain tired but tomorrow, I’ll get up and fight again. I’m not a quitter and I don’t think you are either.



Thanks everyone for welcoming me aboard!1 I too am so sorry we all meet due to our “pasts” BUT, in writing that outloud, i realize, WE are the lucky ones! WE REALLY ARE! We are so blessed to accept the truth of the toxic abuse, and strive to reach that other end of the tunnel, you know, the bright white light one? !! lol!! i wear my shades often, even sometimes at night i grab them and say, My future is sooo bright, that my now is requiring shades!!My journey has been such a long one. And at 57, I can honestly say, I am blessed to know how much Grace I have. How much truth i own, How what an incredible woman i am becoming! I cry for all the years i wasted trying to feel love, feel part of the family. Why, i kept asking, did i want that after i became an adult? I got married at 16 just to escape from the sexual abuse and The emotional and mental destruction of me.But finally at age 56,i spoke up, and i became present in my own life, and decided, not to waste one more minute on this downward path. I immediately was guided to train in grief coaching. I realized each day, more and more, i was healing myself, with all these tears! I started my own cleansing rituals, along with meditation, and i was determined to start healing all the rips in my soul energy. I soon realized, that i no longer had to speak loudly to be heard. I found that i was grateful every day. Then took down my vision board, and the wall where it hung, became my vision wall!! I made a decision, that I was the most important person in my life. My very life depended on me getting back to good! PERIOD! When i finally started releasing the years of sexual abuse i was so angry, it was like a poltergiest, seriously, it scared me. I was releasing it so much every day that it was like i was releasing demons,..well i was i guess..but was such a miracle, i woke up one morning, and i was saying my morning blessing ball and i KNEW the demon was gone. I got my hubby off to work, and i went to meditate, and seriously, that anger, that insane energy was gone..and now, i cannot even feel it. i asked for this release so strongly and cried so so so many days out loud! and now..i know that part is gone!I am sharing this success, because i was told i never celebrate my success and that i tend to play down how far i have come. I believe we all do that. That is that part of the conditioning, that we all need to cut the cord on! I think its that residue of “not good enough” energy vibrations! so this month that is exactly what my goal is. To release that energy. To cut that cord and BE GOOD ENOUGH!I am so honored to be a part of this fantastic site and to connect with such fantastic women. Thank you for allowing my words today. Peace


Thank you for your comment. I’m not a quitter, you’re right. You were also right about being the scapegoat and how that forms a little fighter in us somehow. On some things, I’m as weak as a kitten. On others, I’m the biggest figher in the room. I’m usually a pretty good advocate for the underdog. I think because I’ve been there myself for so long. I have learned a bit about that too in the past several years. Most recently, with my sisters. People will often talk the talk, but, when it comes time to walk it, their knees buckle. I’m left standing, holding a torch that screams “look at all the crap I can stir”. Waaaaaay more often than not, people have backed out at the last minute. I try to be oh so careful on that now. I learned the hard way in a work environment. Not an easy experience.

I just read somewhere today, and I’ve read so much I can’t remember where, Darlene had a memory of an event at a very young age, I want to say around 2 yrs old or something. I’m so baffled by that. I don’t think I have any memories of anything before age 10 to speak of. I have little “event” memories, say of a birthday or a christmas that stands out. I remember some particularly terrifying events with my dad when he was drunk. To have memories of what day to day life was like, I have none. I wonder if there will be things surfacing in the future. Maybe I’m looking for more ~ more of a reason to justify being this screwed up. I suppose it will come in time, if there is more.

Speaking of tired, I took a nap today. Just tired. My mind has to rest I think. I’m a little overwhelmed ~ I’ve been working some now. I hadn’t for a year. Getting back to life is a little overwhelming, but, I had to sometime.
Strength for tomorrow’s fight!! 🙂


It’s funny how you remember my comment; I don’t have any regular memories either, but in the event that you are talking about (that I recently wrote about) it was a memory of me being sexually abused by a babysitter. Not a regular memory. It is those trauma memories (like the memory of your dad being drunk) that I started with. The earliest trauma memory. I didn’t have to process very many of them before I realized what my belief system was. That is why I say that all the memories are not necessary. I am not sure what you mean by looking for “more” Sounds like you had quite enough to cause being messed up just from what you just shared.
Hugs, Darlene


You have inspired me with your words, and I’m happy you’re here. Success stories are sometimes what keep me going in the fight. I’m still in a limbo phase with my family. Sort of waiting it out until after Memorial day. Then, I’ll launch “THE” letter to my mother. The one that will determine my future with her. It feels like being held under water, this waiting. I feel immobilized for some reason while I wait. I think because it’s similar to having to keep my mouth shut for so long, never speaking truth, or showing anger or real feelings. That stifling feeling…. it hangs over my days it seems. Until the day I send the letter. I imagine such freedom and peace within ~ for getting it ALL off my chest and putting it where it belongs. And, for letting mother know that even if she denies, lies, disagrees, gossips, it’s okay. I finally got to speak. Right now, that’s all I want. I want her to know that her secret isn’t safe with me anymore. That I’m on to her.

Well, I’ve rambled again. All to say thank you for your inspiring post!! 🙂
Peace and hugs,


Thank you Darlene!! I see what you mean now about it being a specific trauma memory. I suppose if there is something from two years old, it would have surfaced by now?? I’m a little scared I guess. Afraid that this isn’t it, there will be more debilitating blows. As it seems to be for many writers here, I want to be at the end of the process, and there’s just no rushing it. I’ve learned that, but sometimes I still long to be at the other end of it. To have my passion back. Or, will I ever? I know this feeling of lifelessness is part of processing the recent revelation I had about my sisters. It’s sad to think about a future without them. A dream I lived about the three of us always being so close, living near one another in old age and being very best of friends, reliving old fun times, and making new ones. It still saddens me if I think about it. They were my heart. I’m still mourning the loss of that dream I guess. I can tell by the tears rolling down my face. I lived in a fantasy that I meant as much to them, as they have always meant to me. Just sad.
Love and peace,


Thank you for your kindness. I can remember the day that I wrote the “letter” to my toxic mother. But, BEFORE the letter, i just spoke my truth to her. I just simply stated, with trembling voice, i will not allow you to treat me and my feelings this way anymore. She hung up on me. I then wrote the LETTER! oh, it stated quite frankly and honestly, how shameful she was acting. How hurt I was, and how aweful the whole mess was. Anyway Mimi, bottom line, at the end of the letter, i gathered my thoughts, meditated for 2 days, and finished the letter like this. Mother, i forgive you from this day forward. I am thankful that i know my worth. I am blessed to be able to start a fresh new life, and it is with all blessings of love and light that i release you to live your own journey, walk your own path. Those were my healing words. I truely only want positive thoughts and actions so i choose only to give positive words and actions. People that no longer serve my higher purpose, no longer are on my life path. It really is that simple. I took control of my life.
I sent that letter in the mail. Not email. I got no phone calls, no letter written back to me, no knock on my door. So after 30 days, i changed my phone number. I am going as far as letting my home forclose, and moving away from this town, in which we moved to, to be with my abusive step father and with my mother, during his terminal illness. We moved here from Las Vegas in 2005, he died oct 2006, and i stayed and bought a home to be close to take care of my mother! i was able to hold my stepfathers hand as he passed away. This was the person that sexually abused me from the time i was 6 till i was 16. My toxic mother allowed all this along with the beatings with razor straps and belts and anything that really hurt, to the soul. I look at that, and am just in awe of the grace i exhibited. I now have no feelings of that time, i can just know it happened. Thats how it is Mimi, when YOU are ready to take the steps you will be able to release all of it too. Just always remember, the past can no longer control you or hurt you. And yes, it was all fantasy..i wanted to be loved, so i twisted it to truth, i loved them, and pretended that they loved me back..thats what a child does in that situation. That situation no longer exisits, and you are no longer that child. YOUR intentions are all that matter. And when you speak your truth, and your voice is shakey, and your body trembles, just know, that is the way you learn to fly! The birdcage door is open, and you found out you have wings! it feels exactly like that!! I LOVE THE BIRD I HAVE BECOME!! Blessings for being less broken today! PEACE


Found my rock today! It is oblong, tan and brown, looks like a potato! which is why it caught my eye!!I have a key right here in front of me, its an old key and has H 32 on it!! this is the key that will be tied to the rock!! I AM SOOO EXCITED FOR SUNDAY!! It goes into the river then!!


Thank you for your kind and uplifting words. I’m happy you found a perfect rock to toss. I still haven’t done that. I should be outside doing it right now!! I think I will. See you all here after the event. I hope you are all inspired to share what it means to you!!
Peace and Love,


Mimi, I don’t think what is happening with me will necessarily happen with you. Something has surfaced that makes me see everything differently especially, my early childhood. I’ve also, had one of those trauma memories that Darlene just wrote about. I always accepted the explanation for it that I was given but now I question that. I can’t find information to help me clarify it and I’m frustrated. I have very fragmented memory about a lot of things and some of that is trying to come to the surface, I think. I’m having a lot of tactal flash backs that are hard to deal with and I’m not sure what to do with them. Again, it’s frustrating and I wish I could get my family to open up but if what I suspect happened really did happen then it really explains why my family won’t engage with me on the subject of my childhood. It explains a lot of things but I don’t have enough to go on to be certain. I hate being stuck. Half of me wants to push into the memories and half of me wants to leave it forgotton. I’m not sure of the road I should take now. It seems like I’ve spent my whole life feeling my way through the dark.

I don’t cry much either, Mimi. Sometimes, I wish I could just have a good cry and get all the bad feelings out but I usually can’t. Then when I do, I can’t stop. I’m sad about my siblings too and I still harbour some hope that someday, they’ll have a change of heart.I have good days and bad days. I rely on my faith and I keep putting one foot in front of the other. I just want to get to the day when I don’t think about any of it any more.



Dear Pam,
welcome to EFB. I can relate to your story, I waited 10 years wishing, hoping, waiting, wanting my mother and siblings to call and say I love you and I want to see you again. It never happened. Then, 10 whole years later of me thinking of them EVERY DAY, and going over the same broken record in my head I got a call. October 31st, 2011. My only closest brother had suddenly passed away. My aunt called at first, then hours passed and my mom and sister called. I was estatic, they did love me, I was over joyed. Then the funeral came and I was shoved back into the “mother” role I always had to take on. I had to pay for the whole funeral, stand there alone to greet the guests, say the Eulogy by myself and when it was over I was left carrying EVERYTHING including the urn out of the church. I went to my mother’s, moved her, spent a month looking after her and then it all started again. Her and my sister, and I was back where I started. They really used me, and it was at that point I said to God, thank you. Not for the death of my brother because I miss him to death, but thank you for letting me open my eyes. It was at this time I realized that for 10 years I had been hoping for something that just didn’t exist. I felt like I was free. I broke all contact with the lunatics and never felt so liberated. If my brother would not have died I would still be hoping and waiting, but for what??? I can’t change them, I can’t make them love me. I deserve love and if their not ready to get I am sure as hell gonna get from the people who do really love me unconditionally. People who I have to do nothing for in order for them to love me, they just do. I know one day you’ll get there, it took me so long, but I did it. I cry, but don’t have much “water” left I think, I hurt, but it’s a different kind. I hurt for the “little” Lauralee. I wish you peace, happiness, love, hugs and most of all Freedom from your dark prison. You will get alot of support on this site, I’ve had so many aha moments, I do hope you come back Pam,
God bless you and keep you happy, Lauralee


After I said I don’t cry much anymore, I cried. Sheesh, unpredictable too. It sometimes just runs down my face with no control. It is volumes better than it was last year though, so I want to make sure I acknowledge that. I cried every day last year for 3 months straight. I had no idea if it would ever stop and I had no idea I could produce so many tears. I’m largely free of that now. An occasional cry is about all. It is freeing and I usually feel better after I cry. I don’t fight it at all…. I would be defeated for one thing. It’s almost like vomiting… when it’s coming it’s coming, like it or not!! Haha!!

I want to get to that day too; where I don’t think of it anymore. I know it’s possible. I cried so much when my oldest sister moved away last year. I never knew I could miss someone so much. I missed her horribly. I don’t think about her nearly that much now, so I know there is hope for the day I don’t think about all of it anymore.


Thank you so much for post #9. I appreciate your support and I appreciate you.
Peace and love,


Lauralee, Thank you for your post and the reality check. I know if I got involved with my family again that they would just use me again. They don’t know anything else. I guess I hold out hope that someday, my siblings will try for something better. I know there isn’t much hope of that and I’m much better being free. There are so many things I don’t miss at all and am much happier without. I’ve been hanging out here for awhile and I have found a lot of support here that I needed to make tough decisions. What I’m dealing with now is a hidden layer of abuse that I’ve kind of been blind sided by. I know I’ll get through it. If my family also, wanted to heal and were open about things it would make it much easier to access my history.I’m frustrated about that.

Thanks for caring, Mimi. I can cry for everyone but me. I still have a hard time crying for myself. I agree, it is like vomiting out all the bad stuff! I wish I could talk more openly about what is going on with me right now but I can’t yet. I think I’m just causing confusion. I’m going to be okay and I will figure it out. Thanks again for caring.



Good morning everyone!!

Pam: You know, nobody said we were not aloud to still hurt and feel. The layers are like onions, and need to be peeled back and dealt with in order for us to heal. Some are harder to get past than others, after I finally would get over a layer I would always say “ok, well that wasn’t taht bad, I’m still here” The betrayal and abuse is so hard to forget, at least with me it was, it was like beating my head against a wall for 3 straight years every second weekend. But it made me a part of what and who I am today, I’m a surivor, and I am very proud of that. I took my father to court years later where he plead guilty, and now I walk with my head high. I certainly don’t blame myself, and regardless I still deserve to be loved.
This road to recovery is not an easy one, lets just say it’s like the road less travelled, but I promise you that along the way, you are always going to find someone who is going to listen on this site, even if you need a venting day, I’m glad your back,

Mimi: Not sure if you found me or not, still looking??????lol

Peace, happiness, hugs, love and Freedom


Hi Everyone
I published my mothers day post! I did it early because of the freedom ROCKS event this weekend!
This post is about how my relationship with my daughter made me sink into a deeper understanding of my non relationship with my mother…
You can read it here:
Hugs, Darlene


Healing happens in small steps, which we are not often aware of. As one heals, so does another. When healing occurs in community, like EFB, then a collective consciousness of large leaps toward transformation emerges! I’m going to write the word “unworthy” on my rock and release it to the universe. The abusers made me feel so devalued, undeserving, and unworthy of L-O-V-E. I am sick and tired of feeling not good enough, inadequate, and lacking in achievement. These feelings are not authentic to the self I was born to be; I believe we are born to give and receive love and we are all worthy of that love. I want to reclaim my right to feeling worthy. How dare abusers try to determine my value by judging me “less-than”! That is not for them to decide! It’s up to me to choose to feel my intrinsic value. “You are a child of God, no less than the trees and the stars.” (Desiradata) I want to be free of those negative judgements placed upon me.


I’m glad you’re joining us. I feel the same way about my value and having it stolen from me. I wish you healing in your FREEDOM ROCKS event.
With hope,
p.s. – thanks for your comments. You are right, this place of massive awareness is bound to spread. It already reaches so many, and for that I’m so thankful.


Great post from Mimi. I think I am going to draw the box on the rock; the box that was supposed to contain and control me … and throw that box away.


love that Lynn, its so true, the “unworthy” clutter that keeps coming back in thoughts, but leave quicker now than before. I have a list of words i am writting on my rock, it is empowering. Peace


You all have such great ideas for writing on your rocks. I want to use a bit of each idea. My rock will not have a bare spot anywhere! I’m so happy that we are doing this together. My hope is that it somehow reaches the desperate. I was there not that long ago. I was desperate for something to save my life. It’s those deeply hurting and desperate people I hope will somehow find themselves here ~ getting the same support I’ve found here at EFB.
Peace and hope,


That’s another thing that’s so beautiful about coming here. Free to share if you want, and free to keep quiet. I wish you peace in the quiet. I believe better days are coming.
Love to you,


love that Mimi! i have bought colored chalk and my potato rock is turning into a hippie potato rock!! i am so blessed to have found EFB. I am very thankfulfor the support i am receiving and so so grateful for any support that i can give. I pray for all to be healed of this toxic disease. Blessings


That’s funny! Never thought about colored chalk. I am gonna try to reach really deep within and get to the very roots. I want to take my time and think it over, be with my rock and bond for a while before I write. 😉

I am so tempted lately to go public on my Facebook page. I’m totally anonymous here, but I’ve been feeling the urge to break out for a few days now. Then I think about the shame. I think about how people simply vanish when this kind of thing is brought up. It blows my mind the lack of support that the very people who claim to love, would just pretend they didn’t even see it. 🙂


i know exactly what you mean Mimi. Its shameful , thje reactions people get when they uncover the truth. You know, some people are just not ready to deal with it in their own lives, so they avoid those of us who are gaining strength and releasing the scapegoat in us. And then others just never have had to deal with it, so they run. Well, i see it like this. It has been part of MY healing to be public with it. To voice it, and then release it. iF PEOPLE SCATTER, I ENJOYED THEIR VISIT WHILE THEY WERE HERE. i am meeting such awesome truthful people everyday. I am honored for the conversations on this page. I am blessed to be able to share here. I am more blessed to be trusted with EVERYONES truth, as well as my own. This is quite sacred to me, and one trust i do not take litely in giving or receiving. I send blessings of love and light, joy and peace to all always


Great comments everyone! I am frantically trying to read everything! The blog has generated well over 200 comments this past 3 days!
The freedom ROCKS thing has brought some excitement and some new readers!

~ Kim ~ I love the box idea. I have sharpies and chaulk. I am going to put a box on my rock too! An EMPTY box! One that I will NEVER get back into again! Love that idea!

Mimi and anyone else who wonders. Very few people comment on this blog in relation to how many visitors it gets. I get statistics in the back end. There are an average of 1500 readers a day and that is legit readers, not spam or robot readers trying to spam and that is not “HITS” (there are hundreds of thousands of hits) but real readers. In the monthh of Mahy alone (so in the past 10 days) 380 people have spent more than an hour on the blog and around the same number (each IP is only counted once) have spent 30 min to an hour. And only about 1000 comments per month, some of which are mine! SO I think it is reaching lots of people.

I have been getting private email through the contact form too from people who are going to toss a rock but don’t want to comment! It is really cool how this thing is being taken!

Hugs, Darlene


Darlene, those are awesome numbers! This is such a great site..a saving grace!! You are so inspiring and i thank you sincerely for the work you do, and the powerful woman you are!! Blessings! Oh i love love love the box idea!!


Mimi, I wrote some things on my blog and it feels good. My sister and I had many common aquaintances and I know what happened between us was being gossiped about. My family didn’t think I’d ever say what it was all about and people were getting a distorted, one-sided view of things so I wrote about it. I know some people were shocked but I don’t care anymore. It’s what my life has been and I’m tired of pretending otherwise. I’m tired of being ashamed of things that were done to me. I should only have to feel shame for wrongs I’ve committed. People who don’t understand that weren’t genuine anyway, so I’m better off knowing who they are. It is so much better having it out in the open.



I’m happy you were able to release it and feel some relief and freedom in doing so. I’m still chicken. cluck cluck! I sort of want my sisters to feel the cold withdrawal I’ve felt from them in the recent past. If I talk, or go public with my involvement here, etc. I think somehow they wouldn’t have the benefit of feeling my cold shoulder. I don’t know if that makes sense, but, that’s where I am with the two of them. I just want to drop out. Like they have done.


Hey everyone!!
I just went outside and found my rock. Actually, it’s a piece of cement. I figure if it’s a solid rock, that represents more integrity than mother has. If it’s a piece of cement, it better represents the many fragments of her personality. I have to admit that having two really flat sides to write on was a pretty good motivator also. 🙂

I am pondering writing freedom rocks on one side and taking a pic, uploading it to my facebook page, and writing “google it” below. This way, no one would suspect I have any connection whatsoever. Open to responses on this, or any thing I didn’t think of, ie any way I could be associated, etc.
Peace and hope,


Wow Mimi!..That would be a big step to post your rock on facebook. I for one would love to see it! Is your mom & siblings on fb? That sounds like a wonderful idea! It would keep the family guessing & blind side them too lol. If you decide to do this, I’ll join you in posting a pic of my rock also! BTW, I’m not able to friend you on fb. Still trying to find a way. P.S. My pic is of me & my kids standing by the water, on a beach in Florida. Hope your weekend Rocks!


I will try to friend you on FB again. My whole family is on facebook. I am hardly on there anymore. A part of the process of forgetting I suppose. And, a need to be withdrawn or out of sight.

I think my excitement for the success of FREEDOM ROCKS is something I would get joy from sharing there. The reality is, people don’t like to get involved and support each other in such sensitive and somewhat private things such as this. I might still post a pic. I haven’t decided.

I have a friend who I shared the link with. She is estranged from her mother. She lives in freedom. I knew she would understand, so I shared it with her. She was ecstatic.

I am going to FB now to see if I can summon your friendship again. 🙂
With love,
ps – I hope you’re feeling better.


I went to FB and found you. The only option was to “subscribe”. Have they eliminated the “add friend” option or something?? Who knows, FB is constantly changing things. Anyhow, I am subscribed. Perhaps you can friend me from that??
Peace and hugs,


Hi everyone I figured that one rock won’t be enough so I’ve decided to have two – one to represent the past and the other to represent the present/future. The ‘past’ one I’ll do on Saturday and the ‘present/future’ on Sunday. Hopefully that will get things out of my system and draw a line.


Hey, a few months ago I decided to try and get my friend to do this and chuck some stones into a river. I said I would do the same as i thought it would encourage her. However, I realised as I was doing it, that I couldn’t actually let go, and I was just clinging on.

Any advice?



Hi Jo
Welcome to EFB
It is funny you mention this this morning; I had this visual of people having trouble letting go and following their rock into the river! It is totally understandable if you are not ready to “let go” it just means that there are still things yet to be understood about your belief system. Remember that some of this stuff is what we always believed would keep us safe; it is our survivor mode left over from childhood. In my victim mentality I believed with all my heart that compliance and obedience would keep me safe and maybe even get me loved. It didn’t but it was the best option when I was a kid. Changing that belief is what set me free.
Stick around and read more in this site. Most of my 300+ articles are about “how” I overcame.
Hugs, Darlene


Hi All
My freedom ROCKS post has just been published!
You can read it here ~ My post has a focus on a new level of self care and self love. I am going to be throwing a freedom rock letting go of “putting the needs of others before my own”.
Hope to hear from you there!
Hugs, Darlene


Thanks, I think you are so right there in the fact that we feel safe if we keep it, and its fear of the unknown if we decide to let go.
Thanks for this blog too! Sometimes it can be so much of a taboo subject, but there are so many people that need support from others so thanks

hugs back



Just been and found my rock a big shiny black one so I can paint a pictue that represents somethig big for me as i have no words for things at the moment and throw it into the depths of ullwater lake x


Hi everyone!
For whatever reason, I keep going over a memory that came to me a while back. Today particularly, I keep thinking it over. I was 12 years old. I had gone to a friends birthday party and there were a lot of kids there. It was at her house, and of course her parents were there. I think my mom dropped me off and picked me up from the party.

The next day, my mom lit into me for what seems like a couple hours, trying to get me to admit to having sex. I don’t remember what I was like at 12 years old. I know had no clue about sex though. The only measure I have really, is to look at my niece who’s 10 and imagine in her innocence, going through that kind of interrogation two years from now. I can’t even wrap my mind around it. My mom badgered and badgered and no matter what, she wouldn’t believe I was telling her the truth. I was a virgin. My only knowledge of sex was from hearing her and her pig boyfriend doing it. She knew I heard them. She found some writing I did about it. It was so sickening, and I wrote about it. I wonder now, was that interrogation all a result of her own guilt for being heard? It angers me now. Particularly if it was all a result of her guilt. She told me at the time that someone had come to her and told her I’d had sex at that party. Knowing what I know now, I don’t believe that’s true at all. She had absolutely nothing ~ no evidence…. yet, I had to repeat and repeat that it didn’t happen. I felt so much guilt for something I didn’t even do. I almost wanted to say yes just to get her to back off.

All that to say, I totally don’t have room for this on my rock, but today, for whatever reason, I realize how damaging it was. I hurt for that poor girl my mom beat down and badgered. I was innocent. My own mother didn’t believe me.

Two years later, age 14, she told me I would be pregnant by age 16. Some of you have read this story before, so forgive the repeat. I didn’t even have a boyfriend or date at age 14. That all came from left field. I have no idea what prompted that comment. I was a virgin. She thought I was a whore, and for no reason I can think of.

Sorry, off on a tangent. Thanks for listening!!
Peace, hope and FREEDOM to everyone,


Hi Mimi, did you find Lauralee 🙂 🙂

I’m in wow with everything! My Heart is with everyone on this huge journey and the representation of “Freedom Rock!” How meaningful and immense!

All my relatives are up for Mothers day family reunion(a 3 day wk-end)… This Is my first year not attending…
As time closes in every feeling, emotion, etc., is stirring like crazy! I have a lot Freedom Rocks to throw… should of made this a camping trip!!!

Hugs to all


Jo and Darlene,
I’m glad for your comment, Jo, about not being able to let go. I am so there. Found myself in therapy yesterday unable/unwilling to access my emotions and how I felt about something significant and I’m still bothered by it today. I knew it was something I wanted and needed to talk about, but I couldn’t because it would stir up too much pain. It is almost like “terror” – to FEEL something in the presence of another. To not just TALK about it and think about it and analyze it. It is so much easier for me to reflect and think later about how I felt, and write about it and then maybe share it. But to risk feeling something at the present moment is just way too risky and vulnerable. And interestingly, at some point yesterday my therapist said something about my fear of dark, deep metaphorical water and the unknown of it and hanging back. I wasn’t thinking of this Freedom Rock in relation to that until just now, but it sure fits.

But I’m not ready to throw anything yet. In a sense, I’m just now beginning to realize how tightly I’m holding onto that rock and how scared to death I am of throwing it anywhere. I hope you’ll have a Part 2 or second chance or another round or something, someday for people who are still more terrified of letting go than they are weary of hanging on. I am going to be thinking of you all throwing those rocks, though. Wishing I felt a rush of excitement at the thought like I hear so many express – but it’s nothing like that at all. Trying to stay with it, though … maybe eventually?


Darlene, I’ve been working on getting healthier for a while now. These past few months have been more positive for me as different wonderful things are happening in my life. I saw the post about the rock maybe a month ago. I read it and didn’t think that it would be for me…but today I read it again and now it feels right to do something. Tomorrow is Mother’s Day and what a more wonderful day to go and get that freedom. I know exactly the place that I want to throw my rock. It’s going to be in the ocean where all the hurt will drown and I can start feeling worthy of myself. I live in Canada and it’s so awesome to see that a lot of people around the world is doing this. Thank you so much. xoxox


I can understand you stepping out of the family gathering this year. There have been a lot of firsts for me in the last year too. I didn’t go to my mother’s family gathering at Thanksgiving or Christmas last year. I had a fantastic Christmas with my husband and his kids. I stayed home for the whole holiday and was able to start what I hope will be a tradition with my stepkids. We have always gotten together for Christmas (with my stepkids), but it was usually arranged around my mother’s gathering. Last year I got to cook and be a true stepmom. It was free of stress and the best Christmas I’ve had in years.

For I’d say 20 years now, I’ve come to dislike Christmas. I had no idea why. I chalked it up to just a feeling of unrest because my dad ruined some Christmases when I was a kid. It wasn’t that at all. It was the dread of going to be with my stepdad, my stepbrother, pretending life is wonderful, the stress of getting a gift that was “good enough”, etc. I’m thrilled those days are over. After branching out on my own, I don’t see myself ever going to that dysfunctional gathering again. It was too peaceful at my own home. I’m actually looking forward to Christmas this year. With my little family. And, I am free to set traditions of my own. Like celebrating the real reason of Christmas rather than celebrating the ridiculous expectations that came with gift giving. I’m looking forward to that.

I wish you peace and comfort during this time when your family is near. There truly is freedom with hanging back and letting the dysfunction and drama continue on its way. There was absolutely no regret for me. I hope when the weekend closes, and in the coming days, you’ll find the appreciation I did last Christmas. I missed nothing. I bet you won’t either.


Hi Carole,
I know your comment was to Darlene. I just want to say I’m happy you decided to join us. There will be something very powerful about people around the world joining hearts. I’m happy you’ll be a part of that.
With hope,


Hi “I Garden Too”
Freedom ROCKS is going to be a bi anual event! There will be another one in the fall.
Just the fact that you KNOW you are clinging to the rock is excellent information for you to go forward with!
Staying with it is what worked for me. I was persistent and it paid off.
Hugs, Darlene

Really great discussion going on here everyone!
Hugs, Darlene


Hi Carole
Welcome to Emerging from Broken!
I live in Canada too! I love your Rock idea!! I am looking forward to hearing the story of “how it feels” when you release it!
Hugs, Darlene


Thank you Mimi, your response means a lot to me!!!
It saddens my heart in many ways to be stepping back, but at the same time it’s for the best, I have always felt as though I’m just the show piece! If I was there everything is/was in its place just the way they like it!

My realizations started coming to me in Oct. 2011 when my step-dad was arrested for a sexual offence, no charges came of it, it put me back in a state of regression. The blinders had to come off nothing was ever going to be the way I wanted them to be, this hope I had was a lost cause. I should have realized this a long time ago but foolish me thought it was part of forgiveness!

Like so many others here on Emerging from Broken everyday is a new discovery! I’m just very happy to have Darlene and others, like yourself, in this world that we may spiritually be walking hand-in-hand helping each other!

I will be throwing my rocks on mothers day… it seems most fitting!

Hugs from the heart to all!


You’re welcome. I understand also how the whole forgiveness thing gets entangled with a lot of other beliefs, both true ones, and false ones. Forgiveness is a tough one to pin down honestly. It is spoken about by so many people from all different circles and perspectives. Seems like there is constantly a new way to define it. Who knows what to believe.

I have adopted the mindset that it’s between me and God. It’s really no one else’s business. I feel like I was backed into a corner about forgiveness so this is what resulted. It’s MY definition, no one elses. And, for me, it in no way equates to allowing people to walk on me or treat me as a less than. And, like you, it also doesn’t hang on false hope that these people will somehow see who I am, and love me despite my flaws…. someday! That hope is more wasted time and energy and space in my heart. It leads to defeat and continued let downs. I believe there are great things to hope for, and I believe we must have hope to live fully. Hope that my mother will see the truth is not one of them. It is what it is, and accepting that is liberating. I don’t even pray for her to see the light anymore. Mostly because I know that no matter how much I pray, she still has free will, and she insists on following her own will. God doesn’t have much to work with there.

I am looking forward to reading your after story. I hope you’re inclined to share.
ps ~ your other point about believing that loving them will somehow move them to love you is so true as well. It’s like being in hamster wheel. 😉


Hi Everyone
I have decided to throw my rock at 2:00 Estern Standard Time tomorrow (Sunday) if anyone wants to throw at the same time, knowing that at least one other person is doing it then. If you want to know what time that is where you live, just check the world time clock here:
Hugs, Darlene


I have thrown my rock./ It had a lock drawn on it, a key attached to it with a string wrapped arounf the rock and key. I release ALL past hurt, negative vibrations, release every family member, and gave my rock blessings to travel deep to the depths of the ocean, where the tides will forever cleanse my soul, and carry the hurt and memories away forever. I performed my mantra for 11 minutes, then i threw the rock, i closed my eyes, and invisioned a giant fish, carrying my rock on the river waves, to the sea. Peace to all of you today. I thank you for this wonderful ritual. It was very cleansing, very emotional, i was so happy, and i will remain happy and positive for today and enjoy my hubbys bar b que, and work in the yard together. I love Freedom Day, as it will always be FREEDOM DAY from now on, each year. This was very powerful for me. Blessings to all.


Lots of thoughts have been swimming through my head, especially on the forgiveness thing because of what my step-father had said “I wish she would just forgive me!” To me that was just a serious wow! How could he say such a thing after me letting “dead dogs lie” for 16 yrs. until his arrest in Oct. last yr. and even then I didn’t say anything about the past except I’m not coming over any more it’s time for me to move on. For me it was just an acknowledgement that as long as I kept hoping for something that truly didn’t exist I wasn’t giving my children or myself what we truly deserve.

I will share soon what came from my “Freedom Rock(s)”


Well, I threw my Freedom Rocks at 2 p.m. Eastern time (Darlene, I thought about you 🙂 )! I chose to walk to the spot thinking the fresh air and exercise would be added cleansing. Took photos of the water. The rocks didn’t go very far out due to a bad shoulder, grrr, but, at least they made a satisfying PLOP when they hit the water and sank. 4 mini-rocks with names on them. Before throwing each one, I spoke softly and said good-bye to the power these Narcissists had over me and good-bye to the pain they caused.

Interestingly, the spot I chose to throw the rocks had a pile of rocks, bricks and broken cement nearby. I chose a pretty rock to bring back as a souvenir of my ceremony and will write “Freedom Rocks, 2012? on it and keep it at my desk as a reminder of sending their Narcissist power away forever.

Hope everyone has sent their rocks away and taken another step towards healing.


My “Freedom Rock(s),” what it means to me, with much deliberation:

Taking off the backpack of rocks, that never belonged to me in the first place, and throwing the rocks one by one into the lake and naming them…
“Guilt!”, “Shame!”, “Fault!”

Freedom to walk away, reclaiming self: throwing away “guilt!”
Freedom to let them live the way they want: throwing away “shame!”
Freedom to let them own the responsibility: throwing away “fault!”

Relief, Empowerment, Validation, and Liberation!!!


Thank you so much for coming back to share your event. It is in sharing that others find support. I have thrived on what others share for months and months now.

About forgiving your step-father; you did way better than I could have, I’m sure of it. He should be thanking his lucky stars he wasn’t in prison long ago. And again, I believe your forgiveness is YOURS, no one else has a right to dictate or insinuate or suggest, etc. I believe mine is mine too. It’s one of the things I call my own now. I have rarely had thoughts all on my own. I didn’t even know that until well into this process. My seeking of approval didn’t stop with my mother in adulthood. It painfully extended to everyone I met. One particular thing I can think of is having people come to my house. I absolutely would go into a tailspin. Didn’t matter who it was. Recently, we were about to have people over and my kitchen table had renovation materials on it. My husband, in keeping up with tradition, said, “what are we going to do with this stuff??” I said, “leave it there, I’m letting go of perfectionism.” He was thrilled! Anyhow, thanks for sharing your event and much peace to you!!

Thank you for sharing your event also. I’m so happy you joined in the celebration of freedom today. I have found much comfort and wisdom in your posts on EFB and I’m thankful for you.
Peace and love,


Hi everyone!!
I am so happy to share that as I was finishing up my rock this morning, my husband asked what time I was going outside. I told him. 20 minutes before I went, he asked again how much time until I went outside.

I went to get my shoes and walked back through the kitchen and there he sat with a piece of cement and a red and black sharpie. Tears in his eyes. I am so proud of him. I really thought this was an event he would think he was “above”. It wasn’t that way at all. We went together.

It is such a beautiful day here, and I’m doing yard work and hanging out with my husband and animals in the yard. I will come in later today and post my full story.
Peace and Love and SHARING,


I can’t help but say… awe, your hubby was so sweet and thoughtful. What a beautiful precious moment!!!

yard work is what I was doing yesterday while thinking about rocks:)

Now I’m off to dinner with my fiance’ and his mother in celebration of his birthday, mothers day, and my letting go day!
lol, What A Day!!!

*** Hugs to All ***


Hi Changesandnewbeginnings,
It was a sweet moment because I knew he had incredibly deep wounds to get rid of as well. I just didn’t expect him to do it. I didn’t expect to see tears either. It was nice to share it with him.

Have a fantastic dinner with your fiance’ and soon to be MIL.

My day has been super wonderful. Better than I could have ever imagined. I’ll be back later….. although it seems as though I can’t really pull myself totally away now!! Haha!
Love to all,


Hi Everyone!
Thank you for posting your very personal stories of Freedom! It is an inspiration to so many hurting people.

I got my cement rock prepared by writing in red on one side, “mama, I no longer believe”. When I was very young, I called her mama. I had such deep love for her. I couldn’t stand to see her cry. It hurt my whole being. So, I chose to address her as mama, because that person whom I loved so much, is who I wanted to speak to. Beside it in black, I drew a sheep, to represent myself of course. And, a broken heart in red.

On the other side, I wrote “I am healed” with a cross beside it. I wrote those words in blue.

I tied a black ribbon around one end and tied a key to the black ribbon. I knotted it all so it can’t come undone and resurface. On the other end I tied a blue ribbon in a bow. Blue is the color of the sky and sea and is associated with depth and stability. It symbolizes trust, loyalty, wisdom, confidence, intelligence, faith, truth, and heaven. I tied it in a bow so it can come undone naturally and release in me all the things blue stands for. It’s also why I wrote the healing words in blue. Black signifies death and evil which is why I tied the black ribbon in knots with the key ~ so it can’t come undone. Red is associated with fire and blood. I wrote the words to my mama in red. It’s a symbol of my once bleeding heart and the fire I have inside to heal. The little black sheep?? Drowning!!

I prayed for myself and everyone here. I took some time to appreciate what each of the things on my rock meant. I had trouble throwing it in when the time came. I finally did and it felt like burial. It was good.

Afterward I came back to the house and listened to a podcast from a local church on the wonder of water. It was a nice way to rap it up.

The weather here was stunning. I really enjoyed my day and aside from throwing my rock, I had amazingly few thoughts of my mother ~ on Mother’s day. It was awesome!
Peace, love, gratitude, and FREEDOM to all,


You had me moved to tears…When you said, “I had such deep love for her”. I’ve felt the same way & have said to myself, “I keep keep bleeding Love”, which comes from a song. Can’t remember the artist right now, but it rang true for me at the time. Not certain I love her anymore though. I do believe she loves me in her way, but it’s not the kind of Love that I needed. I realize the only way to have any kind of relationship would be limited & not to expect my needs to get meant. I know this in my heart! I’m done carrying the pain!….My Rock was thrown & I’m feeling Hope & Peace!!

It was a Beautiful, Sunny day in CT too. My day was spent with my kids & hubby. My dtr in all her sweetness, said to me, “Your a Sweet mama”…Then she later said, I’m going to call you “Mother” not “Mama” anymore. Think she got that one from spending “Mother’s Day” with me!…I got a pretty white & pink carnation at Applebee’s & she said, “I wanted you to have white”. That reminded me of your “White Sheep” analogy LOL!


I know exactly what song you’re thinking of. I don’t know the artist but I recognized the song immediately. I feel like you in that I’m not sure I love my mom anymore either. It’s really hard to love someone like her. Not so long ago I felt such guilt and shame at the thought of that. But, the truth is, I’ve been in abusive romantic relationships too and by the time I got out, there wasn’t any love left. You can only have your heart stomped on so many times before the love fades. Because she gave birth to me, does not cause me to love her. Like any other abuse, you eventually want out. In my opinion it’s MORE crazy to keep going back for more, than to eliminate it. Can I get a collective “DUH” on that one?? Haha! 43 years is long enough! I want to live!!

I read your post about freedom rocks. You said I hope I’m not getting too deep. I thought, uh oh, if yours is deep, I’m in real trouble! ;). Mines pretty graphic too. I felt inclined so I wrote it all. Part of the beauty of EFB for me. Freedom to spill!!!

I’m sorry for the little girl in you who loved her mama so deeply. It is sad that an adult can ruthlessly stomp on that innocent child like true love. I remember hurting so deeply for my mom when she and my dad would fight. I’m sorry for my little self too. I hope to God I never injure a child in that way.

Thanks for sharing and connecting hearts with me. It’s meant so much!!
Happy mothers day to you – funny ur little girl is all grown up – she calls you mother now! Haha!
Much love to you Sonia!


DUH!… I hear you when you say, “It is crazy to keep going back for more!..I feel stupid for saying, I’m not quite there yet. Still have LC with mom…Focusing on my healing right now and enjoying my kids. I’m ok being in the process….


Omg, please understand I didn’t mean that toward you or anyone here. Only toward my mother. 🙁 I hope you didn’t take it that way. I fully understand each persons story is their own, and each person must do what works in the midst of their own family dynamics. It’s often so deep and twisted ~ I wouldn’t presume to know what works for others. My comment was just for my own momster.


I am still LC with my mom too. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel stupid AT ALL!! You know that I’m very much in the process too, and focusing on healing. It’s our MOTHER’s we’re talking about. Really, there is no greater bond than that when we’re growing up. It’s incredibly hard to let that go. I cried for months when I realized who she is. I would never want to make anyone feel stupid in this process. It’s VERY painful and confusing.

Someone had mentioned somewhere that it’s the most abused family members that are the healthiest because they end up doing the work, seeking the truth, making changes, etc. As opposed to brushing it under the rug. Anyone who is struggling to let go of pain and abuse in their life and going through the process of total healing has my respect. It’s a lot of work and facing reality is ugly and painful. I would never disrespect you for the work you do in your own life and wherever you are in your process. I hope you understand that. Again, I’m really sorry if I hurt your feelings. I would never want to do that,
With love,


Hi Darlene, this is the first time that I was throwing a rock to symbolize freedom. I have wrote letters and burned it but nothing like this. Yesterday, at Mother’s Day, I got up and went for a drive. Went to my parents cottage to take a rock from there as for me it meant it was a specific rock from where some of the hurt occured in my past. I drew on it there but took it to another place to throw it in the ocean. I drew a black door and a black broken heart and put (=)and then drew a white light and sun. To me that’s what my black door and black broken heart ended up with all the work I’ve been doing come up to a white light and sun. I also wrote (depression, hurt, anger, dad (as he was my first sexual abuser), husband and then I also put others as I have 10 different sexual abusers that hurt me in my whole life. I took a pic of the rock and a pic of when the rock hit the ocean at the peer. I also took a pic of the rock at the bottom of the water as where it dropped it wasn’t that deep but enough for it to not float up again 😉 I took some pics of the ocean where I was also as it was beautiful seeing all this water. NEVER I thought that I would reach this point in my life where I could feel actually some hope. I’m glad that I took the time to do this with so many on this special weekend. I didn’t feel alone.


I appreciate you for explaining your comment. I know it wasn’t directed towards me and you do share so much about your mom here. I love your insights & consider you a friend. Sorry how I came across. I was feeling sensitive in regards to dear old mom. I took my kids with me to see her the day before Mother’s Day. I wanted to enjoy Mother’s Day with my kids. My daughter made a card for her grandma, and my son & I picked out cards and a pretty Mum plant. All she said was, “You got me a plant?”…All surprised & sarcastic. There was no thank you to my kids. I didn’t expect a thank you towards me, but damn her for not doing that for my kids! She didn’t even look at my dtr’s card, which she made for her. It was a strange visit and my son commented afterwards, that if a neighbor had not stopped in to visit, we would have nothing to say to each other. That’s the truth! I’m feeling nauseous thinking about it. Other than that strange visit, I had a wonderful Mother’s Day!


Hi Carole,
Thank you for sharing your freedom rocks story on BOTH my freedom rocks post and on Mimi’s post. I hope everyone will feel free to share it in both places.
Hugs, Darlene

SMD and Mimi
The artist that you are speaking of is Leona Lewis. I have that song on one of my work out tapes.

Please copy and paste your rock story into my post too! Thanks!
Hugs, Darlene

Everyone ~ I am getting rock stories from everywhere. In facebook, in email, lots of people took part in this! I am really pleased with the event!
I posted a video on you tube of my rock throwing too! The first part the audio is messed up from the wind, but it gets better!
Here is the link:


Thanks Darlene, I’ve been reading your posts and never commented on anything…I was just a quiet reader 🙂 I’ve been through hell and back and dealing with so much stuff in the last 2 yrs. I have support from super good people and I finally found what love is. Well not 100% but I’m working hard on it and trusting. I’ve been encouraged by this one person for 2 yrs now that has changed my life around. I was alone before and tried to end my life 2 yrs ago…when I didn’t succeed my whole life changed. I just want to share a little about me… I hit rock bottom 2 yrs ago and since then I have come up so high…but I still have a long ways to go. I went to talk to a group of teens that where sexually abused last Monday and they were so touched that they have insisted that I go back tonight. These teens have been through hell also and I’m there telling them that there’s hope. After having 10 different people sexually abused me in my 44 yrs of life…I’m able to let them know that there’s hope and support out there. I know you don’t know everything about don’t know my past but hitting rock bottom 2 yrs ago and didn’t succeed to end my life…instead I needed to learn to walk, talk and love again. I felt so much alone and no one was understanding what I was going through…One person stuck with me and never lost hope in me… she’s been by my side since then and still is… she’s my earth guardian angel. NO ONE has ever stood by my side like she has. I am bless to have her in my life today. She went through hell with me but she believed that I was going to be ok. I was holding by a thread many times and she never lost hope on me. When I was in the hospital she was miles and miles away but I was allowed to have a laptop so I could communicate with her by chat. That saved me so many times. My dr was awesome to have let me have a laptop to chat with her as my family wasn’t allowed to come see me neither my husband… I was only allowed 1 person to come and see me and the laptop with just certain people that I could chat with as the dr felt the need to protect me from being hurt again and be upset. From June to Dec I was in the hospital…it was hard because after I was ok physically after my accident I was put in the psychoward as they figured out that I didn’t have an accident…it was on purpose. So doing this Freedom Rock this weekend was a good thing for me because I need to let go of the hurt and especially the anger inside. After my accident I started opening up a lot about my abuses and remembered things that was pushed down so far. Remembering more hurt was not something I wanted…but now in the last few months I’m seeing big changes for me and some much needed healing. Going to talk to a group of teen tonight again for the second time as they wanted to know more about me last week and we didn’t have the time. I told them about my gang rape but didn’t go into details but tonight I will be sharing a lot more…yes I’m scared but if I can give them hope and if they can see that I’m getting better and there is support out there and they are willing to give it a try it will be all worth sharing my hurt and anger with them and make them see that I’m surviving this and I will be ok. I’m in deep therapy at the moment…twice a week because I’m working on the feelings now…got the events out of my system but now I have to deal with the feelings and that is super hard. So doing the rock throwing yesterday DID make me feel better and released some hurt that I don’t want to have anymore. I’m glad that I read your post again and decided to participate. Thanks for inviting me to participate. Love to all xoxo


Mimi, thanks for your comment and welcoming me. I’ve been a silent reader here and never posted… but this Freedom Rock..really rocks 🙂


You’re very welcome. Thank you for sharing your rock story and sharing the details of the pain you’ve endured. It’s hard to put it out there among people we don’t know. But, in a strange sort of way, it’s easier than telling people we do know. I’m happy you’re a survivor and you’ve decided to join in the conversations. It means so much to everyone (in my opinion) to be able to share the pain and experience. It gives me hope, and it gives others hope too, I believe. Thank you for putting your very personal story out for me/us to read. I hope you keep commenting and reading.

I am so sorry that happened at your mom’s house the day before Mother’s Day. How cruel to not even look at the artwork of her granddaughter. That art from young ages is an expression of who they are at the time. And, time goes so fast, the art is a sweet memento from different times in their life. That was truly mean.

My mom has a granddaughter that’s never really fit into her “box” that I described in my post. She’s grown now and in college. She’s a sweet, humble, fun, incredibly SMART, and honest girl. She’s very accepting of others ~ flaws and all. My mom just has a disdain for her. She has always lived about 4 hours away. For years now, each time my mom would see her, at events or whatever, she would come home and tell me how “BIG” she has gotten. Her favorite line I’ve heard so many times is, “So and So just gets bigger every time I see her”!! I could puke!! She’s never been able to acknowledge her beautiful attributes. It’s always been about her appearance. GRRRRRR!!! Anyhow, I’m sorry for your disappointment and I hope it didn’t ruin your Mother’s day or hurt the feelings of your children. That would be a real tragedy. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could choose our earthly family?? There are so many people here I would choose!! Haha!!

Heading up to copy and paste now.
Blessings to everyone,


Thanks for your kind words & support. My mom rubbed me the wrong way, but it certainly did not crush me. I still had an awesome Mother’s Day! My dtr didn’t seemed fazed at all by her grandma… but she doesn’t get it yet & I’m not going to bring it up about her rude grandma. If she ever brings up how grandma hurts her feelings, I will validate her feelings and not cover for my mom’s behavior. Yes it would be Nice to choose our families. Like the saying goes, “We can’t choose our family but we can choose our friends”…We can also pick & choose what family members we associate with & how much contact we want to go. Limits & Boundaries that’s what I live by. There are good friends of mine, that I would choose as family in a heart beat! LOL


Thanks Mimi for being so kind and loving. After last night I won’t be sharing much of my abuse anymore. I was invited for the second time to talk to a group of teens that had been abused and it didn’t go well. I lost it and cried and anxiety kicked in and one of the girls after the session tried to end her life because she didn’t want to feel the pain I was living with. I was invited to talk and give them hope but instead she tried to end her life. People told me so many times that I will be good talking about my past because I’ve been through so much and how I’m still alive today…but I have to accept that I’m not that good of a speaker. I have to accept that it’s not for me. All I wanted to show them was …there’s hope and they can conquer it. I think that it’s about time that my story shuts down. If sharing makes people worst it’s not worth it.


A confession:
Mothers day, the day I chose to do my freedom rock(s), I was suppose to return to my mother a few of her bird’s. Knowing that I have done nothing but upset the apple cart by backing off from the family and it being a mothers day 3 day family reunion I decided I couldn’t take her these birds! So I very nervously (actually shacking) called her. My step-dad answered the phone, that didn’t help, next thing I knew my uncle was on the phone (I idolized my uncle as a child). So I said hi sorry I missed seeing you he said he really wanted to see me but was about to head back to Ohio. So I proceeded to v. nervously tell him I loved him & to have a safe trip home, but as I said I love the line went dead, so I called back, he answered, I proceeded to tell him same & line went dead! Now my mind rationalized that it was my cell dropping the call. I didn’t try to call back just figured he would try calling me back, Nope! Looking at my phone I had 3 antenna bars, at this point I realize it’s not my phone I’m being hung up on!!!
I had a feeling this was the way it was gonna be that’s why I was so nervous calling to begin with and didn’t want to return the birds!
Now I have been struggling (very mentally) with the fact that I have all these relatives & people associated with my family as friends on my facebook profile page.
I feel hurt & just want to unfriend them all even if they haven’t said anything or just because they haven’t! Back in Oct. 2011 I had sent a few of them (friends&relatives) the article where my step-dad had new charges pending on him… Not a single response received!!!

When I threw my freedom rock(s) it felt great but now I feel as though I may have to throw them many times over!
It’s my natural reaction not to want to post this because I still hear all the dysfunctional voices in my head to why it isn’t important & why it shouldn’t be about me!

Loving hugs to all… I know how hard it is to except the fact that someone might truly care & that we aren’t just out there having our own pity party with the world’s smallest violin!


Hi Carole,
I am so sorry that this happened but please know it wasn’t your fault that it went this way. Sometimes it is overwhelming for people to hear how hard it is to recover and to get to the place of peace. The journey is very tough, and some people are not willing to face it. If it were easy the world would not be so messed up and we would have nothing to share with each other here. You are right; there IS hope and they CAN conquer it. Just keep going, keep striving with your own healing.
Hugs, Darlene


Hi Changesandnewbeginnings
I am sorry this happened to you. I came to understand how many “punishments” there were in my family when I didn’t do what was expected of me. I drew my boundary and decided that I would no longer accept those punishments. That is a process though.
The rock is only a symbol of the decison. We have to continue to do the work around healing the damage. This IS about you and sometimes feeling sorry for ourselves is a necessary part of self validation! It was a huge thing for me to learn to validate myself; I was addicted to believing that my family had to do it, and I kept seeking them out for that but it was when I validated ME that I healed.
Hang in there!
Hugs, Darlene


I also wanted to welcome you here took me awhile of reading before saying boo/hi! Your story resonates well! I went inpatient at a M.I.C.A (mentaly ill chemical abuser)unit back in Aug.1995 I couldn’t take the suicidal thoughts anymore, I was a danger to myself & my children! I have had to fight a lot of suicidal ideation since then but keep reminding myself that would be letting the world win & I have come to far in this battle to turn back now!

Loving hugs, keep fighting & never give up!


I’m sorry to hear your talk didn’t go well. Your so brave to face & talk about the abuse to other abused teens. I can only imagine that would be hard to do. I know I wouldn’t be strong enough…I’d break down in tears. It wasn’t until recently, that I was able to talk about my abuse here & with my counselor without falling apart. There are so many variables that could trigger past feelings & flashbacks.

Just want to say, You are not responsible for another person’s actions. I had to learn this too. The shame or guilt is not ours to carry. It’s seems like this girl was not ready emotionally to face the truth. It is anxiety provoking for a victim to even acknowledge the damage. Denial is an effective defense for all the pain. It’s not coping but it serves to protect. Sorry about the rambling…I tend to analyze too much. Don’t throw the towel in yet. You are doing Good Work & it will help others!
Keep your head up & your heart open,


P.S. I was insightful & aware of my own problems, that I was able to help many sick people in the last 20 years. Despite my own trauma, I had the empathy, education & skills to help others who were disabled, mentally ill & developmentally disabled. I look back & wonder how did I do it. Well, I had the desire & tenacity to make a difference. I had to work through my feelings of shame & guilt, when I decided to leave my work. I dealt with feelings of inadequency that I wasn’t strong enough, however, I did it even with my own problems & traumas. That speaks from an inner strength or spirit, which you seem to possess!


Thank you, Mimi (comment 80), you’re kind to say that. Not feeling too chatty here lately. Extra down in the dumps due to mother’s day, and other unrelated crap I’m dealing with right now. All the revelations and reading I’m doing is giving me emotional overload and have to take a break sometimes. The healing certainly doesn’t happen over night, and there are always setbacks, but all part of the process, I guess.

Keep healing, everyone.


I’m so sorry to hear about your second talk. It may seem earth shattering; but it’s no fault of your own. Help and change are often born from tragic events it seems. This girl really needed help and not because of the words you spoke. She clearly has very deep injuries ~ not caused by you. I hope there is consolation in knowing that, although it’s a tragic event, she’s likely being heard now. And, that’s probably what she needed all along. Someone is guilty, but it’s not you. I hope you know that.

I understand the need to step back too. Sometimes the stuff that comes up in revelations is overwhelming and so painful for me. When I have a new revelation or a setback, I can be nearly disabled and wondering if I’ll bounce back. When it finally passes, I’m a little stronger and more aware. I guess there is beauty in a setback, but it sure is hard to see that at the time. Hope you’re doing well.

Wow, I’m really sorry this happened to you with your uncle. I know how literally debilitating it would be for me when my mom would dole out poison about me. How I’m so crazy or hot tempered, or difficult, or just like my dad, etc. Some of the most damaging and painful memories I have, are from my mother brainwashing my family to believe I was useless. And, I knew they felt that way. It’s hard to hide looking down your nose at someone. That feeling that there is no one, you have no one to turn to. Darlene had said a few weeks ago that it is a very lonely process. I agree. But, somehow, I’ve started to rely on my own instincts and disregard the approval of others. Just recently I’ve realized this is my own battle, and I’m doing it alone, I’ve since felt a little empowered ~ some measure of independence that I’ve never felt before. I didn’t know I could make my own decision and feel okay with it, without running it through the filter of others. With each independent step I take, I feel like I’m on more stable ground. Like, it really is okay to do my own thing. I don’t need approval, because I approve. That is an immeasurable freedom I never thought I would know. I have thought a lot lately about who the crazy ones are, and their judgment of me. My mom raised my siblings and I differently. People have said here that they’ve experienced that too, and that being angry or not coping well, or having anxiety or depression….. it’s a natural response to the way we were treated. A natural human response….. so, I’m just reacting to something the REAL crazy person did, yet she made it out to be me. And, unfortunately, everyone bought into it. It doesn’t matter to me now. The truth is, denial is a comfortable place to be for some. It wasn’t working for me. I was dying and I knew it. Now, I’m in the process of saving my own life, of finding my own value, despite the crap my mom has said. Some of the very worst days of my life have occurred over the last year. I was looking closely at a full bottle of xanax on occasion. My mother planted all the little seeds in my head that would come to grow into all out self hatred. At 43, I was running in circles, trying to find why I wasn’t content. That’s not living, and I wanted to LIVE!! I’m so familiar with that very painful feeling of rejection from family. Know you are not alone. You won’t be silenced or hung up on here. You will be cared for, and I hope you keep coming back. 🙂
Peace and Hope,


Darlene & Mimi,

It just dawned on me in re-reading your responses to me and the feeling I feel getting that response! I thought I was over that approval seeking, ha, guess not! Also in realization… I have been finding validation in the writings for emotional things that I have felt, thought, and ah ha I’ve said that before! Yes, ah ha, Thank you 🙂

Lots of loving hugs on/for this journey of changes and new beginnings!


There is nothing wrong with that feeling. I don’t think it is really the same as “approval seeking” ~ I think it comes from having been invalidated for so long that we don’t trust ourselves or our own judgments anymore. I think it is really much more about seeking self empowerment and self healing through affirmation from each other.
Validation is something that I was starved for, and could never admit it because it just felt so hopeless.
Thanks for sharing!
Hugs, Darlene


Thank you for clarifying.

I’m sorry if I said so much I confused you!! I don’t want to add to the confusion of the process. It’s confusing enough!! I was just rambling really!! 🙂



Thanks everyone, I got a call from my psychologist today telling me that this young girl was out of ICU. Also this young girl asked to see me. My anxiety is off the roof now and I’m so confused to what to do. I’m scared… I don’t want to say the wrong things again if I go. Why would she want to see me again after I gave her the last push to end her life. Are her parents going to be there? Are they blaming me?
When I was 14yrs I met this girl…she bullied me at first but then got to be very good friends. I had told her that i would be there for her ALWAYS…she was on drugs and was in a bad situation but even if I wasn’t taking drugs we understood each other because both our dads were abusive and we trusted each other to share our pain. One night she called me and asked for me to come over, that she needed me. I couldn’t go right away and told her that. When I was able to go I got to her place and her mom said that she wasn’t home. I went to look for her and couldn’t find her. Her mom would always say that I was a blessing to her daughter as i was always there for her and she was glad that we were friends. The next day at school her mom came to see me and told me that they had found her daughter dead. She had committed suicide and then she started yelling at me telling me that it was all my fault. I had promised her that I would ALWAYS be there for her and I had failed. I was told that I wasn’t invited to the funeral home nor the funeral…I never had a chance to say goodbye to her (shit, this is still so hard)
Well, what happened on Monday night reminded me of that day and I can’t go through that again. I had failed that night and I failed on Monday night too. Now this young lady wants to see me…why? she’s so better without seeing me again. I just don’t want to screw up again.


OMG…No wonder why you feel anxious about visiting this girl. It brings up your own trauma. My heart goes out to you. You did not deserve to be treated terribly by your friends mother, during a traumatic time, for both of you. It was so cruel for them to have blamed you! Then, banning you from the funeral was Wrong! When I think about this, it seems like the family projected their guilt & anger onto you, instead of taking responsibility for their behavior & where they messed up with their daughter. To depend on you to have taken care of their child’s needs is messed up!…I’m angry for you.

It’s your choose to visit this girl, however, it will be painful. Sounds like you want to be there for her, however, be there for yourself. You can always send a card with a written message of hope & peace. It’s a hard call. Just remember, you are not responsible for her. You are Not a failure. Keep your head up & hope you feel better soon. Take Care of You.


Hi Carole
If your psychologist is the one who is relaying the message, I would think it will not be a repeat of the past. Perhaps the girl wants to know more details about HOW you overcame your obstacles. I also strongly suggest that you call your pshychologist back and tell him or her exactly what you have shrared here. This will give you the reassurance that you should go see the girl or not from someone who is familiar with both situations.

Thank you for sharing the story of your past. Those people were very unfair to you. You did not fail anyone. What a horrible thing to get blamed for! I understand your fear of this new young girl and her situation.
Hugs, Darlene


Thanks Sonia and Darlene. I did call her back and we talked a bit and I decided to go see her tonight. still have anxiety about it and trying to think positive about it. I just thought after Monday night that I wouldn’t see any of those girls again.

I want to be there for this girl. I know she has so much pain as last Monday she was the one that ran out of the room at one point. It’s just that I’ve been in her state of mind 2 yrs ago and sometimes even if someone tells you that they love you, or understands, or anything positive you don’t always see it or feel it. When the hurt is overwhelming and that’s all you feel… you can put a million dollars infront of that person and it won’t mean anything to them. I’m scared to say the wrong thing. But refusing to see her might hurt her very much too.

My psychologist doesn’t know why she wants to see me and she thinks it’s positive.

oh and by the way thanks for the hugs 🙂 xoxox


Hope your visit goes well. If you feel up to it, keep us posted on the outcome. No doubt, that listening & being there for her shows you care. Sending Positive Vibes!
Hugs, Sonia


It went well… I’m overwhelmed right now… I feel numb in my thinking. does that make any sense? Her parents were there and when I was introduced to them by her they hugged me and started crying and told me THANK YOU. They told me that i saved their daughter. I just don’t know how to feel right now.

I see myself in her place….why am I hurting right now. I feel like I’m there again…I can’t explain it…it’s weird. I saw and felt when I had that piece of glass in my hand and they negotiated with me for a few hours before I let it go and this was in the hospital and when I was tied up… everything I went through… shit I’m feeling back those feelings like if it was yesterday. It hurts to think about my past… I was there for her but I was feeling her hurt… it stur up some feelings really bad I don’t want to feel that hurt again but I know this time I have to and deal with them. shit it hurts. I really don’t know how I feel right now…so confusing. It’s not supposed to be about me… I didn’t tell her how seeing her was making me feel…I tried to be there for her the best I could. I’m so overwhelmed and confused


Wow Carole,
That is great that they are showed such appreciation! It isn’t so great that you are so triggered by the whole event. There must be something still to deal with. Perhaps you can talk to your psychologist again? Don’t sit with these feelings too long. I totally understand your confusion! Why would this not be about you??
Hugs, Darlene


I’m going to see my psychologist twice a week…going back tomorrow night. Why would this not be about me??? Because SHE wanted to see me and I’m supposed to be strong and I’m not supposed to feel my feelings of 2 yrs ago. I’m working on my feelings with my psychologist for about 2 months now. Started with writing a letter to my dad but I didn’t give it to him but since then I’ve been…I don’t know… confused at times and tonight wasn’t about me but I let myself feel that ugly pain again from being in the hospital for over 6 months 2 yrs ago. I remember what happened but I never dealt with my feelings and now it’s coming out but at the wrong time…ughhh It hurts so much ;( I want those feelings to go away..grrrr


Darlene, (comments 106-108)
I think I understand the difference now!
Approval seeking is more of looking for acceptance rather than a validation of emotion. So I’m not approval seeking it’s the seeking of validation from so many yrs of invalidation!

Mimi 🙂 is all good, I love what you call rambling, it helps me to know that I’m not alone! I would have to say I was more confused by the apology.

Just a ‘personal’ thought or reflection with what Carole is discussing with the young girl and the pain that has arisen being a validation for both, that the pain is real, and both will benefit in the long run knowing that it’s ok to acknowledge these emotions. It is very difficult and very real! It’s in the weakness that we gain strength, knowledge, compassion, etc.,etc.?!
Once again I stress this is: a ‘personal’ thought or reflection!
I’m always thinking and sorting! I haven’t read the book but have always like the title, “Battlefield of the Mind” by Joyce Meyer.



You’ve been through a lot these past few days. I understand wanting feelings to go away. Wanting pain to go away. I agree things do hurt so much. I had a very good feeling about you meeting with the girl. I didn’t have time to write it that day, but I felt it was going to be a positive thing. I’m happy for everyone involved, that it went well, that they were grateful parents. What a roller coaster of emotions you’ve been through this week. I hope you have some time to rest and process.
Thanks for coming back to share.
Peace and hope to you,


it’s been a real roller coaster this week… since my attempt to end my life 2 yrs ago has been a roller coater to get well…before that I just had no hope and was just there..not really living. I still have so MANY feelings to process about my past. I know everything I went through is for a reason…just trying to figure out some of them. When I tried to end my life 2 yrs ago..I was in chemo sessions so that was hard for me to get heal physically and emotionally at the hospital. I don’t remember all of what happened as I know I was heavily drugged too because of my injuries. I know if it wouldn’t be for my meds that I’m taking now..I wouldn’t have to will power to fight to be healthy…sometimes it’s hard because I feel that I’m getting better but is it all the meds that are bandages the hurt and I’m not really getting better. People tell me no, no you are stronger and better but if I would stop taking my meds would I be this strong still??? Makes me feel that I’m fake sometimes… but I do have a great support friends that believes in me and I don’t want to let them down but I still wonder at times and that makes me have mixed feelings about how stronger I am really. Not sure if this made any sense…I’ve always told myself that being french is not always easy to express myself in english. BUT… thanks for your support as well.

Scapegoat No Longer
May 28th, 2012 at 3:52 am


Thank you for posting your very insightful, courageous messages here. Please know that you also help others so much because you bravely share how you have come to terms with and are rising above the painful abuse you had to confront in your life. Because of amazing, wonderful people like you, Darlene and others here, I find such incredible support as I deal with the fact that I am an adult survivor of child abuse (physical and verbal/emotional, with the verbal abuse extending my entire life) and the scapegoat daughter of a narcissistic mother.

Nothing I did for my family over the decades was ever appreciated. Whatever accomplishments I made were belittled and ridiculed. My cousins (my real family now) noticed these sick dynamics and if it were not for them and my loyal friends, I would be totally alone today. After my mother’s death last year, decades of brainwashing and abusive treatment by her and my siblings just exploded in me. I realize now that the reason I never married (dated, but never even had a boyfriend) was due to the low self-esteem that my mother brainwashed into me from the time I was a toddler (“you’re selfish, ugly, lazy, a failure, unstable, no man will ever want you…”). My maternal grandparents and siblings were her enablers. My late father was a passive enabler who buried himself in his work and if he tried to defend me, my mother constantly sneered in front of my siblings that I was “Daddy’s little favorite.”

My mother tried to murder my soul. She WANTED me to be a failure. She did not want me to have the basic joys that others experience with a happy family life of one’s own. I still pray that it is never too late to meet a kind man, even though I am in my late 50s. This website is like a wonderful sanctuary where I can come for spiritual sustenance while I heal myself and move forward and away from a very sick, evil, dysfunctional family that used me for decades while also treating me like a punching bag. A few months before my mother died, my brother-in-law assaulted me in front of my mother, sister and teenaged niece. (I realize now that they wanted me out of the house so they could go in and grab everything, which my siblings did after my mother’s death, and I got nothing.) After he beat me, three generations of women in my family – including my niece who called me her “other mother” when she was a little girl – all sneered at me and shouted that I “asked for and deserved it.” There is so much more I could say, but I will leave it at that.

My cousins tell me that whenever they came to visit during my childhood, “you were a ray of sunshine – kind and generous – while your sisters and brother were mean, vicious and greedy like your mother.” I am so lucky to have these precious cousins who care so deeply, when it would have been so much easier for them to just pull back instead of reach out so lovingly.

I was loyal to my wretched family because they were the only family I knew. It has taken me the past year since my mother’s death to process the evil caused by my own “flesh and blood” that nearly destroyed my health. My maternal grandmother years ago had excused my mother’s scapegoating of me by claiming that my mother “had to be harder on you since you’re a blue-eyed blonde and she knew life would be easier for you.” SICK.

I share my experiences here because, while I am relating my pain, I also want others to know that it is NEVER too late to reclaim one’s life and move forward with joy. I am trying to do that. It is an uphill struggle but I get stronger each day, thanks in part to the wonderful strength I get from everyone who posts on this website.

To all of you who read this, you are NOT alone in your suffering. The best thing that has helped me is to avoid my siblings completely and only exchange brief emails with them. Eventually “no contact” will be the ultimate goal. When family members use and abuse you, and could care less if you die in a gutter tomorrow, they do not DESERVE to have you in their lives! And just remember that, while there are many of us in the same boat with horribly dysfunctional families, we’ll rise above their evil and thrive!

Scapegoat No Longer
May 28th, 2012 at 4:26 am


I just want to clarify some things I wrote about in my previous post. I quit my job to serve as my mother’s unappreciated caregiver in the year and a half before she died. (My late father, who died when I was 30, said he knew that I would be the child who would be there for my mother in her final years and I promised him I would be.) While I was taking care of my mother and keeping up her house, she would tell me how much she needed my help, yet at the same time get on the phone and smear me to my siblings, telling them that I was lazy and leeching off of her! (Even though I was using my own savings for all of my personal expenses, as I was not paid any sort of allowance to take care of her.)

My mother’s neighbors said I did an excellent job of taking care of her. It was a hellish time serving as my mother’s caregiver because I got nothing but constant verbal abuse. I told my mother in the hospital before she died that “all I ever wanted was for you to love me.” How pathetic to be a single woman in her late 50s who was STILL seeking her mother’s approval and thinking that “if I just did this, or if I just did that, maybe she will finally realize my value.” Pathetic. But she never did because she was a selfish narcissist and I was the irrational target of all her anger and hatred about being stuck in a small town that she never wanted to be in.

Mimi, it’s true that they say the scapegoated child is always the strongest and most vulnerable in the dysfunctional family. But – for all our suffering – we are still the most emotionally healthy because we don’t use and abuse other people the way our abusers do. And it is only natural that this hatred would cause us pain. Who wouldn’t get depressed after having to endure such hateful families? But out of that pain and depression a stronger person arises. We no longer live in repression and denial about the truth of our families. And we move forward in life surrounded only by the people who value us for our kindness and compassion – not whether we have buckets of money or high-society status.


Scapegoat No Longer,
Thank you for coming here to share your painful story. I can relate to nearly everything you wrote. It is so painful to realize our parents’ selfishness that extends so far, they would prefer we fail. I am happy that the light has come on for you and you are processing the abuse. It’s an incredibly painful journey, but I believe it leads to freedom like we’ve never known before.

You mentioned something I’ve pondered lately. (as part of being IN the process, there are constantly new revelations and insights for me). You said you were the only blue eyed blonde. I too am the only blue eyed blonde of three daughters, and the youngest. My middle sister was the invisible child, according to her, and I believe she’s correct. She has invalidated my feelings at times (perhaps unknowingly) because she took backseat ~ I was a trophy child when I was an infant and toddler. This is the way she describes our young childhood. Of course, I have no memory of it. I take her word for it, and I imagine it to be true because my mother is always drawn to the most successful, most powerful, or most thin and beautiful people. If you’re not any one of those, you’re nothing in her eyes. My sister fails to realize that the dynamics changed ENTIRELY throughout the years of my upbringing. I believe my mother needed me to be a failure as well. She did and said whatever it took to beat me down and keep me there. If ever I was a trophy child, it didn’t last long. It swiftly turned into what felt like hatred from my mother. As I look back over the years under her roof that I DO remember, it seems like my mother may have been jealous of me. That would feed into her need to stifle me and keep me under her thumb. When I finally did succeed in getting a nursing education, she pretended SHE was the one who produced the drive in me to do it. She was proud, although she did nothing to facilitate it. She even negated it all along the way. I did have to move back home in order to go back to school. For that she would say, “after all I’ve done for you”!! It was HELL living there again. I remember toward the end of my stay there, and the end of my education, I was drinking vodka straight from the bottle at times. I binged on hardcore drugs as well. Anything to escape her. I worked full time, and went to school full time, and it still wasn’t enough for her. I believe she envied my drive to succeed because that meant she failed at beating me down. She felt me slip from her grasp in that I was finally making a way for myself ~ to be independent. She hated it, and she hated me. It’s all VERY twisted and insidious. When I was finally done with school and started my first job as a nurse, she told me it was time to get out. She was generous in giving me 30 days. I remember as I made trips to my car with all my belongings, she sat on the sofa and watched with contempt. When I got into my new apartment, I wrote her a card that said I knew we didn’t always see eye to eye, but that I missed her. She never acknowledged it. She would never have me think she missed ME!! All that has changed now. I don’t miss her at all. In fact part of me hopes to never see her again.

It’s great that you have the support of your cousins. It’s so helpful to have someone in your corner who knows or has seen the abuse for what it is. I understand what you mean about low self esteem and value. For years I attracted abusive men. You are better off alone, than getting involved in an abusive relationship. I spent several years alone after I graduated from nursing school. It was a great time of self discovery, and I gave up on ever having a rewarding relationship. Then, along came my husband. To this day don’t know if I made a mistake in marrying him. We will be married 10 years this year. Until he had an affair last year, I thought we had a great marriage. Now, I wonder if I’ll ever REALLY know him. I fantasize about getting all this family stuff ironed out in my head, and then leaving him. I don’t know if that will happen. Just something I think about. In some ways he mimics my mother. And, that sickens me!!

Anyhow, I didn’t mean to write a book, but it’s been a few days since I’ve written. I can usually count on a LOT coming out if I haven’t written in a while.

Thank you again for sharing, and I hope you come back and continue reading and growing. I believe there is hope for love in your life. I don’t think it’s EVER too late to fall in love!! 🙂
With hope,


Scapegoat No Longer,
We must have been typing at the same time. My response above was to your first entry.

I have pondered what you wrote about taking care of your mother in her final days. I wonder how that will play out in my life. My mother is 70 and healthy as a horse. She is healthier than me I believe. I hope to be 2,000 miles away when she is faced with failing health. My husband and I have discussed a few different retirement destinations FAR away from here. At this point, I think I won’t have anything to do with her decisions, or financial discussions, nursing home, funeral home, burial, etc. My plan is to tell her in no uncertain terms, that she should have all this on paper before the time comes, because I’m not making any decisions on her behalf. Either she will have to do it, or my sisters will. I’m out. Another thing she’s always referring to is my inheritance, which I’m sure there will be none. There is literally NOTHING she has that I want. I would take the diamond ring she got from my father, but I’m sure not going to fight over it. I don’t want to go to her house and sift through crap that brings back painful memories. Everyone else can fight over it (I have two step siblings), and I’ll be happy as heck in my own home, surrounded by PEACE, and hopefully, like I said, 2,000 miles away!!

I’m sorry you went through that assault at the hands of your brother in law. Families can be so brutal when someone dies. It’s a good opportunity to see what they’re made of.

Your last paragraph ~ I have heard this about scapegoats more and more as I read and research. That we are the healthier ones because we have faced the REALITY and processed etc. I never thought of myself as a strong person emotionally. I have been plagued by anxiety much of my life, and depression as well at times. I have accepted that I have mental illness rather than the truth being, I was simply reacting to being shunned by my mother and other family members. She was always good at swaying people to the degree that they never even considered if she had some fault in it. It was always MY fault, no matter what. And, it was always evident that I had no one to turn to by the way I was treated at family affairs. I was just a less than, and it wasn’t hard to see that. I still am a less than. But, I’m emerging, and being a less than or being treated disrespectfully is no longer acceptable to me.

I had a realization about my siblings about 6 weeks ago. It just hit me like a pie in my face one day, out of nowhere. I woke up, and there it was, staring me in the face. I have spoken with my middle sister about the abuse quite a bit over the last 6 months. She has often negated it almost to the point of saying it’s not true based on the fact I was a blue eyed blonde. I believe in infancy that could have been true. It was not true for long though. I have had many discussions with my siblings about my mother’s deceitful, back stabbing, lying ways. They agree. My middle sister has invalidated my feelings quite a lot though. I know it’s all part of our “training”, but, that doesn’t make me feel better. I have sent out heartfelt emails about seeking truth to my mother and both sisters. I got no response, or a single line or two. It hit me that silence is just another form of rejection back when I realized the truth about my sisters. I have emailed apologies that went unacknowledged. I have spilled my guts sometimes in emails. All of those efforts were like sending them to outer space. No one cares what is going on or if I’m sorry, or if I’m planning a new approach, or if I’m in pain, etc. I was the only one drafting such emails, laying out truth, apologies, plans of action, etc. In a family that claims to be able to talk things out and be honest about our feelings, etc….. there sure is a LOT of silence! I have accepted it now. I’m still moving forward. I don’t run my feelings or plans by them anymore. They aren’t engaged, why should I be? I’m learning self reliance, and I run things through my own filters now. It does get easier, glory to God. I stopped all effort with my middle sister, and what I predicted would happen sure did come to fruition. I haven’t heard a word from her. It proves to me that it was ME holding up the relationship, doing all the work to hold it together. Not any longer. I feel s****y enough without another slap in the face. I seek out reciprocating relationships now. If my family walks away, so be it. I’ve accepted that I lived in a fantasy about my relationships with all of them. The fantasy was so painful to shatter, but, I can’t be held down long. 🙂

The beauty of seeking and living in truth IS emerging from broken. It’s like I’ve been in an egg state all my life, and now I’m cracking at the shell, ready to emerge like a fuzzy little chick…. with all things new. Although it’s painful, I see the rewards as well. I look forward to moving along in the process now. I can see life and thriving at times, rather than just breathing to stay alive. I want to LIVE, not just survive. I wish that for you too. I wish it for all the readers here. There are too many broken people in the world. EFB sheds so much light into the darkness.

One last thought, which you may have seen here already. One of the posts has a quote in it that I often remind myself of ~ “I’ll leave the past alone, when it leaves me alone”!!! This is another thing my sister has said, that it was so long ago, let it go, etc. I don’t buy into that. I believe with all my heart that the only way to the other side is through it, not around it. I refuse to listen to excuses that make no sense, and that one makes no sense. It’s just society’s training, quit reliving it, leave it alone, it was so long ago, why bring up the past, etc, etc, etc. To all of that I say the quote above!!

Much clarity and hope sent your way!! Thank you again for sharing. It’s important to everyone here!!
With Peace and Hope,


Hi Mimi,

Something you said about really struck me:

“It proves to me that it was ME holding up the relationship, doing all the work to hold it together.”

I can so very relate to that statement. Back before my eyes were opened by a complete breakdown, I used to be that person in that family that was trying to hold everyone together. My mother would complain to me about my two older brothers, how they did this or that, blah, blah. It never occurred to me to tell her “Well, have you talked with them about it?” That would have been unheard of.

When I was talking with a counselor about this dysfunctional mess, I was telling him about always being the one in the middle of the crap, and then I told him about my oldest brother who never wants to be around the family. His simple response was “Why would he want to?” That stopped me dead and really made me realize for the first time what a freak show this family is and as much as I wanted to try and make it a “normal” family, it was never going to be that. Immediately my view of my older brother and my mother changed – he was no the bad one for avoiding the family; and she was no longer the innocent victim of all those around her. Finally, I began to see these people as they were. He couldn’t take the crap any longer and walked away from it, and she was the sick one, thinking the world revolved around her. That was a true watershed moment when my thinking about the people in this family shifted 180 degrees.

The counselor next told me “And that ‘holding your family together thing’….that’s not your job.” Another truth. It’s not my job to see that everyone in this circus is happy.


I too tried to hold it all together, as appointed by the weight the scapegoat often carries. For whatever reason, that’s what it turns into. The abuse somehow becomes a huge weight we carry and a responsibility to cause people to get along or love each other, etc.

I remember when I started seeing clearly last year, about my mother. I cried so much over her and the confusion, etc. I remember often thinking, “I just want my family back together”!! That painful thought included EVERYone!! Even my mother’s brother who hasn’t spoken to her for 10 years. I mourned that too!! Unfortunately, I seemed to be the only person wishing our family hadn’t crumbled. I can’t say I know what everyone else was thinking, but, I know how they were acting. Silence!! I would reminisce about old fun times we’d had, when everyone seemed to be getting along, thinking I had this bond with my mom and sisters that would never be broken. Then I would mourn the loss of future fun times. It was heartbreaking, but thankfully, like having your appendix removed, you only have to do it once!

My mother didn’t necessarily only put ME in the middle. She’s put everyone in the middle at different times. It just depended on who she was miffed at. For many many years though, I occupied the hotseat and she gabbed to everyone else about me. Now, I look at her with great disrespect and sometimes pity at how broken she really is. How miserable she must be to harbor such anger, hatred, envy, low self esteem, etc, such that she needs to suck people in and bleed them dry. She IS a life sucking force, and she nearly sucked the life right out of me. Perhaps my own suicide would have made her happy?? She holds no power over me like that now!! It’s a very liberating feeling.

So funny how you said, it’s not your job to see that everyone in the circus is happy!! I sooo agree!! Good for you on the revelations ~ even if water was shed, you are aware, and awareness = life to me!!
Love and peace,

Scapegoat No Longer
May 28th, 2012 at 10:27 am

Hi Mimi,

Thank you for your thoughtful, insightful reply. I read Eddie’s comments too and he made some excellent points. I finally saw how I was always the one trying to be there for my family, doing whatever I could for them yet NEVER getting any appreciation or anything in return. All of my siblings were like my mother: reel me in with some shreds of kindness to get me to do something and then follow it up with more abuse later.

In my case, it was the concept of family loyalty instilled by my father and paternal grandparents. My paternal grandmother was the only loving force during my childhood and my mother did her best to keep us from seeing too much of each other. My paternal grandmother had suffered verbal abuse and ostracism from her older half-brothers during her childhood on a farm. And it was made worse because her father (the second husband who had married a widow) deserted his wife and all of her children on her family farm when Grandma was a six-month-old baby. She was afraid to stand up to my mother out of fear that she would be denied access to us grandchildren. So she would tell me to take things like “a duck lapping water off its back.” But she had no idea about all the beatings I endured (never told her because I thought this was normal, including the terrifying time at age four my mom stuck a running garden hose down my throat while clamping my arms behind my back and I gagged and squirmed while choking on the water until I turned purple and almost passed out – that is when she FINALLY released me).

Grandma also did not realize how relentless and destructive my mother’s verbal abuse was on a daily basis – especially when my mother would gleefully allow my siblings to join up with her against me. When I cried out against their taunts, my mother would say with fake, simpering piety, “Just ignore them,” without telling them to stop ganging up on me. Plus I would get punished and beaten for things my younger sister did and she would believe my younger sister’s lies that I had done it. Once my cousin was at the house visiting and defended me to my mother. She said that my mother responded with irritation that I was ultimately responsible for everything that went wrong in that house, no matter what. My cousin said that is when she knew my mom “had a screw loose,” not to mention the fact that she was always afraid to spend much time in our house due to all the fighting, yelling and screaming that constantly erupted, especially when my father would come home and my mother would scream at him. My Dad was a WWII veteran and he kept his emotions all bottled up. He died at 65 from a miserable marriage that he stayed in only for the sake of his children.

My family constantly implied that I was unstable and mentally ill. Mentally ill compared to what?! I would never presume to advise you what to do, but I will tell you that the absolute key to my ability to move forward in my life is to keep as active as possible and surround myself with loving, compassionate friends and cousins and avoid at ALL costs the siblings who only wanted to use and abuse me when it was convenient or beneficial to them. Everything in their world (and my late mother’s) is about money, power and social status. The fact that they totally denied me any of the household material possessions speaks volumes about the way they see me as “half a person.” (Two of my three siblings are attorneys, so there is no way I could have fought them on this.) But ultimately, you are right when you mentioned that the material possessions would just serve as painful reminders of the past.

Mimi, I have gotten the “silent treatment” from my siblings, too. That is because they do not want to face the truth about their boorish, selfish behavior and the fact that our family was based on dysfunctional lies. What is helping me heal most is to keep as far away from this fake of a family as possible and maintain only minimal contact as needed, while nurturing my relationship with my wonderful cousins who share the same beloved late Grandma with me.

I loved your analogy of “cracking out of the shell.” I admire your beautiful attitude and perseverance so much. (I think both of our mothers were jealous of our inner strength because – tried as they did to bring us down – they did not succeed!!) You have no idea how much your very perceptive writings have helped me (and others, too, for sure) to develop a better perspective on my own situation.

Many Thanks,


I had a revelation this weekend about my mom & dad. They are both emotionally unhealthy and abusive, however, it’s really been my mother who “nearly sucked the live out of me”, as Mimi said. Like previous posts, I’ve shared that my mom is in chronic physical pain recently, and how I’ve had to really limit my contact & exposure to her. I’m so glad I’ve been doing that! I realized that I could get sucked into her pain & misery. I’m an empathetic person- a blessing & a curse. I’m taking care of me & my family and that feels so healthy. I had a good drama free weekend with my kids & husband.

I did go to my default mode of feeling down about not being with my whole family of origin, over the Holiday Weekend, but I turned it around by saying that I would feel miserable in my mom’s & brother’s presence. It’s like you said Mimi, “I’ve accepted that I lived in a fantasy about my relationships with all of them”. I’ve worked for years to get along, hold the one-sided relationships together and tried harder to please to get approval. Well, it wasn’t worth the effort in many ways. I was the scapegoat also, and my feelings were dismissed.

I have realized in these last 4-5 years, that I can not get my needs meant from them. I’m on my own emotionally. I knew that, but it didn’t really sink in, until this past year, when I could filter the dysfunctional crap, though my own Truth Filter. I’m grateful for my truth & ability to see them for who they are. Although, I’m second guessing my dad’s motives, regarding him attending the Memorial Day parade for my son. I was shocked that he came. I figured I’ll invite him, since he mentioned that he wanted to see his grandson play trumpet. Well, I figured I’ll invite him & he won’t come. He couldn’t say that I didn’t invite him, like my mom has said to me over the years. I did like the fact that my father was direct, in a nice way, about wanting to see my son. I don’t remember a time my mom came out & said she wants to see my kids or that she misses them! She usually points the finger at me for not seeing them! I do limit contact and I think that has made her furious that I’m not appeasing her. I visit, when I want to or feel up to it. Anyway, my point is that my dad was nice and we had a good time. He seemed genuinely pleased to see his grandchildren.

However, I found myself second guessing his motives and thinking about what is in it for him. Well, I concluded that he does better without my mommy dearest around. He is different, when he is alone- more at ease. He actually told me that she doesn’t want him to go anywhere, since she’s been physically sick. Then when the parade was over, he called me to say that my mom & him, Wish me a Happy Wedding Anniversary and he had a good time at the parade. I was in more shock!…He’s never done that before!…I started to think what does he want & when is the other shoe going to drop???…It’s sad I have to second guess & doubt his & my mom’s motives. It’s hard for me to take their behavior at face value. I know where this comes from & is this part of their brainwashing to get to me through my kids and how long is this going to last??? It’s been one-sided for so long…I’m confused. This was also the first time my husband & dad saw each other in years, and they were cordial to each other. I think what helped is that my b-i-l, who is genuinely a good & kind hearted guy was there too. He conversed with my husband and served as a buffer.

I’m not too quick to think that my parents have changed their abusive ways but my heart wants to believe, that it could be possible. There goes my bleeding heart again! Don’t want to live in a Fantasy World LOL… I’m not going to do anything different in terms of lifting my boundaries. I’ll continue to do LC. I’m afraid to get sucked in. I know I sound paranoid about their intentions, but I have good reasons to believe that it isn’t about love but control. I can’t stand saying that, but the truth hurts, when it comes to my family! I’d appreciate any supportive feedback or similar stories.
Thanks, Hope everyone had a good weekend!


I agree. It’s so hard to know the intentions. My dad doesn’t really come into the picture when I think on those terms. He lives in another state, and there is no pretending with him. He’s a really bad alcoholic. He’s just drinking and waiting to die, IMO.

My mom, whoa…. in my case SMD, you’d have to be an airhead to miss my mom’s intentions. The last several months have gone down like this…

~ I sent mother and sisters an email, holding her accountable for recent lies.
~ She ignored the email and failed to address her responsibility.
~ She began sending me mushy texts, cards in the mail, and other correspondence.
~ Two months later, my sister invited her to visit in another state.
~ Three days after that invitation, she responded to the original accountability email, refusing responsibility. (she had someone else, she could toss me aside).
~ As of today, since going to my sisters (about 2 months ago, give or take), all the mushy stuff has stopped, as predicted.

I think, how heinous to mess with your own child’s emotions like that. And, then pretend I’M the crazy one!! For 43 years!!! Who does that??? It’s not new behavior. This kind of divide and conquer tactic has been going on for as long as I can remember. I just lived in that fantasy; I turned my head. It doesn’t hurt anymore to realize she doesn’t love me. She loves the way she loves, and that isn’t love. I was so blessed to have the time last year to process her crap and mourn EVERYthing. I think that really helped me a lot. I wasn’t sure I’d live through it, but, I came out the other side ~ more healthy in terms of mother.

All that said, I do know what you mean about questioning intentions. It’s hard not to when your heart has been stomped on. I think it’s great that your dad came to watch your son. Would he have made the effort if his motives were impure? (With my mother, I almost always know what she’s up to now). Is there something your dad could gain from going to the parade? I don’t know him of course, but, for him to go and be with your husband (some tension I suppose) and put himself in that place of potential discomfort, I would guess his motives are pure. Was he trying to earn points with your son? I don’t know, it seems like he was just doing what was in his heart, but it’s hard to know from an outsider’s perspective. The fact he called afterward seems like he was making a sincere effort with you. I HOPE he was making a sincere effort. Isn’t it crazy we have to guess our own parents’ motives and be on the edge of our seat wondering, is this sincere, or is this self service? I actually know parents who aren’t like this. They do exist, and if I use them as a measuring stick against my own mother, OMG, she truly failed. She kept us alive, but, that’s about it!! Haha! (she should have gotten a plant).

Maybe your mom has him under her thumb….. he has to perform in her presence to keep peace in their house??? Maybe he sees her failing health and realizes time is short, he better step up to the plate?? The only man I can compare to is my maternal grandfather. He was never ever abusive to anyone in our family, but I can imagine him being quiet or pacifying my grandma to keep peace in their house. I think there could be a lot of husbands out there like that.

Anyhow, SMD, I hope like heck it was a good deed on his part and not something to gain leverage. BTW, you don’t sound paranoid at all. You sound like someone who’s been deeply wounded and it’s a natural reaction to guard our hearts. I’m sorry you were down about not being with your family. But, I celebrate your ability to turn that around in your mind and realize some truth. I didn’t know it, but, for years I had this feeling of ‘not looking forward’ to family gatherings. I would have fun it seemed, so I couldn’t figure out why I could have easily skipped it. I have been skipping them (thanksgiving and xmas last year) and I was very blessed to be free of stress and meeting expectations. I had no idea I was still striving to “fit in”. Now, I choose to surround myself with people who don’t treat me as a less than ~ who haven’t been brainwashed by my mother. She’s trained EVERYone, even great aunts and EVEN my dad’s sister (albeit maybe only halfway successfully with her). I don’t have to put myself in that situation anymore. We all deserve to be respected and treated as an equal SMD. I know you know that, but, just to reiterate ~ I bet you didn’t miss much this weekend, and perhaps you even avoided something ugly. 🙂 I hope you keep the strength to stick to your boundaries and allow your dad to prove himself to you, and even more, I hope he does!!
With love,


Scapegoat No Longer,
Thank you for your very kind words!! You brought a smile to my heart!!

Putting a running garden hose down your throat is BRUTAL!! I can’t believe some of the things I read on here, how people survived, and even thrive. How crushing to have your mother punish you in that way.

The worst my mother did was whip me with a flyswatter on my bare legs. It left welts, but she denies that. Even so, it doesn’t matter now. I believe MYSELF. I don’t have to believe the lies she’s force fed me for years, that I somehow remember wrong, or that I didn’t see with my own eyes, the welts on my legs. Like overhearing her when she would bash on me to my family. FAR more painful than any flyswatter, but she’d try to lie and say I did’t hear what I heard, WITH MY OWN EARS!! Once I caught her badmouthing me to my sister, I confronted her, right when it happened. She lied right then and there, looking me straight in the face. She managed to slice me down to nothing at that time, to shut me up. In the middle of the night that night, I woke up and was so anxious about the whole thing, I went into her bedroom and woke her up and told her I was sorry. With hate in her eyes, she said, “you should be!!” With that she rolled over and went back to sleep. To think about those occasions now, where she squished me, lied, and manipulated me, I can feel heat rise up. The pain of hearing my mother say horrible things about me…. a very deep wound!!! It’s followed me everywhere, and created such deep self loathing that I barely functioned at times. On the flipside of it, she brainwashed me to believe she was all I would ever have. Wow, double whammy that played out in my mind like this ~ the only person I’ll ever be able to count on, and she hates me. Very alone in the world.

You mentioned being taught loyalty by your paternal family. I don’t think we were really taught loyalty. My mother is ANYthing but loyal. ESPECIALLY to her kids. It’s nothing for her to stab any one of us in the back, repeatedly, to anyone who will listen. It’s baffling that she “loves children”, but, she doesn’t love her own. Actually, it’s not baffling ~ I don’t put energy into trying to figure out the many facets of mother dear anymore. A waste of time, love, energy, head space, etc.

Onward and upward my friend!! 🙂
Peace and love,


Wow, Mimi, that breaks my heart to read that cold-hearted reaction your NM had to your apology. I guess it reminds me of the same type reactions I got when I apologized to my NM. She NEVER apologized. She wanted me to feel bad. It was always that angry “You should be!” and the icy “We will not discuss it.” And I still kick myself for apologizing to a person like this.

The fly-swatter beatings remind me of of my mother-in-law’s stories. She and her sisters were swatted on the bare legs with those fly-swatters. Yet, due to their southern baptist upbringing, they don’t dare find fault with their NM and continue to cater to her and try to win her approval well into their middle-age (yet, have made some not-so-kind remarks about her behind her back).

I have found that the people I’ve had the most difficulties with (in-laws, family members, co-workers, bosses, etc.) were those with the N traits that I could never deal with in my mother. The superior, smug attitude, the put downs, the controlling and manipulating, the lying… It stirs up so many resentments, hatred, feelings of inadequacy, that I over-react to them, which they love! Ugh. There’s so many of them out there! No wonder I’m so anti-social!


You took the words right out of my mouth. I have had the same trouble in life. People who touch that wound my mother dug out in my soul (with what felt like a pick axe) ~ wow, the reactions, heartache, humiliation, and inability to cope is mindboggling. I understand the antisocial attitude too. I have some really great friends from childhood who have kept me going at times. Outside of that, I don’t have much desire to meet new “friends”. My friends know me well, and accept me for who I am. No judging, triangulation, or being treated as a less than. I’m an equal in that circle, and they’re loyal to me. I’m thankful for them!!!

I wonder if you’ve found any new ways of coping with or handling people who cause that resentment for your mother to flare up?? I have been withdrawn from life for almost 18 months. I just started working again in a very low key, private setting. I haven’t branched out into the REAL world so to speak. Not sure if I’ve healed enough to be able to turn my back on the people who like to pick, lie, keep things stirred up, etc. (in the workplace) If you have some insight, I sure am open to it! 🙂
Hope things are well with you!
PS – my mother apologized to me one time. ONLY because there were so many people around when she badmouthed me that she couldn’t possibly lie out of it, although she did try. She tried hard. She did eventually apologize, but other than that time, NEVER!! She’s so above that!! And, when I woke her up that night, I was upset and crying. Sort of blows a big FAT hole in that whole claim, “when my kids hurt, I hurt!” That is laughable!! I’ve learned about apologies in this process. If people say they’re sorry, but don’t change the behavior, or do anything to make it up to you, or make things right, it doesn’t hold any water. I have redefined both love and apologies in my process. They’re words, anyone can say them. It takes a truly caring and noble person to be able to act them out. The age old adage really is true ~ actions speak louder than words!!

Wow, long PS!! 🙂


Thanks for your spot on feedback & support!…You asked a good pointed question, when you said, “Is there something your dad could gain from going to the parade?” Yes, it’s to be closer to his grand kids but also it may be his way of getting support for my mom. I think he is aware of how serious her health problems are and he may need me to help out. It’s very likely that, “my mom does have him under her thumb”. She is manipulative & more needy than ever. I actually feel bad for my dad and believe he is waking up to her ways. In my experience, she is more difficult to deal with, when she is physically sick. It’s not even the physical part that I’m talking about LOL….she is like a damaged bird…it’s pathetic! I won’t walk away but I’m sure as hell not going to be there emotionally. I don’t even think she would ask. It would be my dad who would ask or tell me that I need to be there for her. Anyway, I need to be prepared & keep strong with my boundaries. I don’t want or need to be sucked into the pain & dysfunction.

After reflecting on yesterday’s events, I do believe my dad was genuine in his feelings toward me & my kids. He did make an effort to be there and he’s never done that before!…My kids do like him & they are more guarded around my mom, if that’s not telling. Thanks for saying, that I didn’t miss much with my whole family this weekend, I definitely don’t miss the drama & tension, particularly from you know who. I also like your comment about “keeping my strength to allow my dad to prove himself.” I will give him the benefit of the doubt & see where his heart is. I do hope it’s not to manipulate, so I’m going to keep my eyes open. I guess the saying goes, “I’ll play my cards close to my chest”, on this one. Thanks so much for understanding & being your kind self. You have a real knack for this..I really appreciate your insight!


Drained & Mimi,
I can relate to both of you on Narc personalities. They rub me the wrong way & get under my skin. That has happened with Narc bosses, friends & family. They are pathetic & they are the ones that need to do some Soul searching if they have one LOL….My ex-boss comes to mind on that one! Bully Bosses should be banned from positions of power. Narc personalities thrive on power, so being in a position of power is their bread & butter!

@ Mimi, I hear you when you say that you’ve been withdrawn from life for almost 18 months. Isn’t that ironic! I’ve been out of the rat race too, since Sept 2010, which is about 20 months now. Wow! Another thing we have in common & I’m beginning to think this is not a coincidence, that we have connected on EFB, at this time in our lives! I’m considering getting a low key part time job but do not want to get wrapped up in taking care of anyone, so social service is out. I’m sort of stuck on what to do out of the house. I’ve been a seller on e-bay but that has been more of a side job for pocket money & extras. I sort of feel like I’m in a mid life crisis but I’m not panicked just uncertain what to do about work outside the house. I’ve invested in items to sell on my E-Bay site and taking a chance that I’ll make some money & profit. I hope it pans out & if not then I’ll put myself out there again. I fear getting knocked down & crushed. I can’t stand feeling that fear, it’s so unproductive!…I’ve been working on building myself up, so I can handle the work stress. Anyway, won’t really know that, until I’m out there again. Have you had any run ins with difficult & unreasonable people in the work place?…I recently sold something to a lady on E-bay and she was difficult by demanding a full refund, which I have posted I don’t give, however, my motto is customer satisfaction. I know it wasn’t my fault that the item got there damaged. I believe the post office mishandled that one and I mentioned that to this lady. She came back blaming how I packaged the item & said, “it was substandard at best”…Well, I didn’t argue but diplomatically stated that it was bubble wrapped more than once & put in a tight box as to not bounce around, while being shipped. Anyway, I did give her money back & she left me with Neutral feedback on my site. I was not pleased but it wasn’t negative feedback. My track record has been 100% positive feedback since I started about 8 months ago, so that is not bad!…Mistakes happen! Sorry about rambling on but you know me by now, when I get talking, I start going LOL


Mimi, the only way I deal with these clueless people and their comments that make my mother-resentment flare up is to NOT REACT. I have to restrain my knee-jerk, defensive reactions. They always make things worse. I have to use great restraint and keep calm and remind myself that they don’t know any better, they don’t know the whole story, and my mother can put on a great facade. It’s what’s she’s done for over 80 years!!! Basically, while I’m rationalizing to myself and calming myself down, I’m forcing myself to look these people in the eye. I’ve always had a hard time doing that, usually looking away or at the floor, which immediately takes away my authority or any credibility. But this all takes lots of practice.
Which is hard because I prefer to NOT be around people LOL. When I’m around people I feel like I’m walking a tightrope, and when I get home, it’s like I’ve reached the ground (safety).

Your comment “actions speak louder than words” rang so true. What made this toxic N Mother relationship so confusing was that she’d often say things but her actions never backed it up. Always keeping me in this state of confusion and insecurity with those mixed messages, doubting my perceptions, wondering if I was that stupid or crazy. Now I know… all part of that tangled, dysfunctional Narcissistic Mother vs Scapegoat Daughter dynamic.


SMD and Drained,
SMD, thank you for your kind words… they warm my heart!! I don’t think it’s coincidence that I’ve found you and other friends here either. I believe in my heart that God knew I was going down. I credit EFB and the compassionate people here for saving my life. That confusion and total insecurity that Drained mentioned above…. that’s where I was. I literally was spending my days wandering around the house with my head spinning, couldn’t make decisions on when or how to do laundry, I was so confused. I remember wanting to pack up my car and just drive and start over somewhere else. That desire nearly came to fruition many times. The counselor I saw at the time said it would all follow me. I thought, like hell it will. If I drive across the country and change my phone number, how will ANYone follow me. I know I can’t change the past but I sure can change what’s going on right here and now! That desire to flee and get away from everyone was overwhelming.

SMD, I had that same thing happen on Ebay once. The package arrived damaged. I shipped it USPS and if I remember right, I had insured it. USPS refunded me the value of the item. Have you tried that route? I think the buyer has to mail it back, if I’m not mistaken. It’s been a long time ago, so these details may not be correct. Just a thought.

Yes, I’ve had incidents in the work environment where I KNOW now that it was someone digging at unresolved issues with my mother. A coworker once claimed I hadn’t gone to a fire alarm in a different building. She was in the building at the time and didn’t see me, so in her mind, I didn’t go. Mind you, it’s a two story building that houses about 75 apartments. She started to spread that lie and went to administration with it. A meeting was called with my immediate supervisor, the liar, administration, and myself. I was soooooo burning up inside I could barely contain it. By the time the meeting was over, the liar was crying, and she cried all day. I didn’t raise my voice, but, I did in very clear terms reassure her that I wouldn’t take it lying down. Not responding to a fire alarm is a very serious claim. And, I have a license to protect. I wasn’t going down that time. I wish I hadn’t felt so much boiling anger inside though. She did what my mother has done all my life. My anger was twofold…. at her, and at my mother since I’d never processed the crap with my mother. My hope is that in the future, this kind of stuff will roll right off my back. I was desperate to prove myself, and that desperation comes from years of being stifled and unable to prove I’m good to anyone ~ because my mother got to them first, and she convinced me I wasn’t good, that I had no voice and if I did speak, no one would believe me. All that came flooding back. It was a horrible reminder of being lied about, gossiped about, not having a voice, and the desperate need to prove myself; that I’d done the right thing. I was FURIOUS!! At the time, I had no idea there was a connection between the incident and my mother. I hope that being armed with that knowledge will help in terms of letting it stir up so much anger that I thought I would explode. I HOPE I’m done with that because there are people like that everywhere. I didn’t have trouble looking at her, I didn’t have trouble standing up for myself. The trouble I had was I was boiling inside, and I let it spill over into my home life and emotional life, for quite some time. I felt hatred and unforgiveness toward her. I soooo want to be done with all that crap!! At the same time, not sure how to stop it. I hope just having the knowledge will help in the future.

SMD, you’re so right about bully bosses and Narc personalities in positions of power. In the medical field, that stuff is rampant. Especially with doctors floating around pretending they’ve just saved the planet. LOL!! I recently read something on FB I think, “the definition of character is how you treat people who can do nothing for you”. So true!! Unfortunately, treating people as if they’re beneath you, brings such satisfaction and soothing to so many people who can’t draw from their own security and self esteem ~ because they’re absent of it. Truly unhappy people.

I hope your dad comes through for you, and his desire to see you and your kids doesn’t play out in a manipulation to get help with your mom. I admire your ability to stick to your guns. If I was put in a place where I had to care for my mom, I’m afraid she might get back what she’s always given me. If she’s old and hunched over, I could tell her to stop standing like that, it makes her look fat!! Haha!! (her words to me, age 8 I believe)

Thanks for the insights and caring correspondence ~ both of you!!
Love and peaceful days,


Hello Everyone,

Just finsished watching a Dr. Wayne Dyer show, he’s a motivational speaker, and here is one of the things he said. People were given 5 pieces of cardboard and were asked to write down 5 chapters of their lives. Here is what one lady wrote: CHAPTER 1: I walked down a street, there is a big hole, I fall in, I’m stuck and it takes hours to get out, who put this here, how can they be so dumb? CHAPTER 2: I walk down the street, there is a big hole and I fall in, here I am again, stuck in this dark hole, I can’t belive it’s still here, it takes forever to get out. CHAPTER 3: I walk down the street, there is a big hole, I fall in again, it’s my fault! I knew this hole was here, I get out right away. CHAPTER 4: I walk down the street, there is a big hole, I see it and walk around it. CHAPTER 5: I WALK DOWN A NEW STREET!
I just love this, hope you all enjoy it as well, and I hope it gets ya thinking, wishing you all a wonderful rest of your day,
Peace, love, hugs, happiness and Freedom
Lauralee xoxo

Scapegoat No Longer
May 30th, 2012 at 2:12 pm


After doing lots of temp work, I will be starting a new job soon (am a nervous wreck!) so I may not get to view EFB as often as I would like – but I wanted to alert you to two psychologists who have written extensively on the narcissistic mother/scapegoat daughter: Dr. Karyl McBride and Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi. You can easily find them via an internet search. They both have been fabulous sources of information for me as I come to terms with the fact that I had a mother who NEVER loved me and brainwashed my siblings to treat me like dirt. That brainwashing has already passed on to the next generation. My nieces and nephews don’t appreciate anything I ever did for them and they treat me like dirt, too.

The bottom line is, I will not waste the rest of my life on these nasty “family” members. From now on, I surround myself with KIND, decent friends and cousins who treat me with respect and value my loyalty and friendship. I also have ended contact with “friends” who treated me in the same disgusting pattern as my late mother and siblings have always done. Life is too short!

I see the way you are generously helping out not only me, but many others on this board with your insightful, wise comments. Mimi, you are one amazing, strong and articulate lady with a very bright future ahead of you! Remember that you are not alone. We at EFB are all in this together as we try to make sense of the horrible, dysfunctional families with – in our case – mothers who fed us lies that affected not only our early years, but our entire lives. We must start listening to the voices of the people who REALLY love us and want only the best in life and happiness for us!

All the best,


Scapegoat No Longer,
CONGRATULATIONS on your new job!! I’d be a nervous wreck too, but, I think everything will be okay!! 🙂 YaY for YOU!!!

Thank you for the resources. I have a McBride book, “Will I Ever Be Good Enough”. It was a great resource for me in the beginning when I first started to suspect my mother is a nutcase, lol!! That was early last year. I should go back and read it again, I’m sure I could gain new insight since a year has passed. I haven’t heard of the other author but I will google it. Thanks!!

I am curious how you handle nieces and nephews who have followed along in the silent training by your mother/siblings?? Are they still children?? Did you cut all contact with them too??

I was able to observe my grandmother very closely earlier in the year. She became very ill, and I took care of her for a while. It’s painful to admit that even though she’s always been good to me, I saw my mother in her. I haven’t really talked about it here. Only with my husband. I could see the patterns repeat. It seems to follow along with firstborns. I know my mother was always in the shadow of her sister, who was the oldest. Her sister was just more respected and highly regarded than my mom. She was the golden child among my mom and her siblings. The same happened in my FOO. My oldest sister occupied the pedestal for many many years. I was often asked why I couldn’t do “such and such”, like my sister. Why weren’t my decisions as good as hers. She was the oldest, and the golden child. The pattern repeated from my mom’s siblings, to her children. She failed to stop the pattern. I don’t excuse her because she was a “less than” in her family. I believe she had kids to fill a void. I have read that the anger that comes out toward the scapegoat, is misdirected anger that’s been bottled up. It’s actually anger toward the PARENT, that is inflicted on the child. So, it plays out like this ~ my mom had deep anger toward her mother and an unmet need, a void. She took that anger out on me, the scapegoat, rather than directing it to the responsible person. Although that makes sense, I still don’t excuse it. She had a choice, exactly like I do. It’s not my fault she chose to repeat the pattern and live a facade. She should have sought out truth and healing before she ever had children. Now, it has spiraled completely out of control, and much to my chagrin, she really did teach people how to treat me, even encouraged disrespect. That’s been a painful reality to face. But, it is what it is!

I love the writings of Alice Miller. She wrote some very good stuff in “The Drama of the Gifted Child”. It spells out the pressure and expectations that go with being the golden child. They are programmed, groomed from infancy to perform. It’s sad…. as sad as being the invisible one, or the scapegoat. She also wrote a book called “The Body Never Lies” which I found so interesting because I did an experiment with a counselor that proved the body can’t lie. Very intriguing. I knew when knots developed in my stomach when reading about NM’s, that my body wasn’t lying. It was all there in black and white, and it made me physically ill. I think that is where the physical symptoms of anxiety are rooted. That adrenaline and need to flee….. my body is telling me something’s up. I had no idea my mom was at the root of my anxiety until last year. No idea I feared her at all.

I didn’t send my mom a gift for mother’s day. It’s easy to predict she would EXPECT one. I haven’t heard a word from her since that day. I have figured out how to get her to leave me alone….. buck the expectations of gift giving. She’s quickly figuring out it’s MY decision who I spend MY money on. She’s held that power for 43 years and that’s way too long!!

So is my post!!! Thanks for your input and very kind words. Even despite your new job (YAY), I hope you get to come back and keep us posted and share your insights. They are valuable to me and others. Thanks for sharing and very best of everything at your new job!!
With peace and hope,

Scapegoat No Longer
May 31st, 2012 at 3:54 am

Hi Mimi,

Thank you for your best wishes about my new job! I’m glad you know about Alice Miller because she was an incredible writer with brilliant analysis. I’ve read summaries of her books and intend to read them soon. Here is one other very important link:

This entire website is fabulous and when I first read the above web page after my mother’s death last year, I could barely sleep for several nights because it so completely and accurately defined the sick, bizarre role I had been irrationally forced to play in my family all my life. My Mom & siblings always viewed and treated me as a weird failure to be held up to ridicule. But my friends, cousins and nice coworkers, for example, genuinely liked and respected me. They could not understand why I always had such low self-confidence and low self-esteem because they saw the good, capable person in me that my family refused to see.

Nasty coworkers who operated like my mom & siblings easily detected my vulnerability and would walk all over me. I can remember once complaining to my mother about a mean coworker and her regular attitude was that it was always MY fault because I could not get along with anyone!! (Fortunately I always had good friends at whatever job I had and we would “watch each others’ backs” when dealing with these backstabbing coworkers.)

There is another point that I want to stress. Like you, I suffered from knots in my stomach due to anxiety and now realize that it was the direct result of child abuse. Thank God for all the psychology artices posted on the internet, because they literally saved my life last year when the realization exploded in me that I am an adult survivor of child abuse along with being my narcissistic mother’s scapegoat daughter. They say that, until the adult survivor comes to terms with the fact that they were genuinely abused, he or she carries a sense of inexplicable emptiness and inability to put down roots their entire life. That was me! I carried that emptiness and moved from place to place over the years, always wondering what was wrong with me that I felt so alone and out of place everywhere. For years, I was scared to death to attract a decent man into my life because I worried that, once he knew the “real insecure me,” he would reject me as a fraud. In other words, I subconciously took it to heart when my mother would grind into me repeatedly — all my life from the time I was an innocent little girl — that “no man will ever want you…”

No longer. Now I can move forward, thanks to my new insight and also the support I get from EFB. I have wonderful friends who grew up in loving families and they have been so kind to me. However, I crave and appreciate the contact with people here at EFB because only you and everyone else here fully understand and share the same pain as we process the lies and cruelty of our dysfunctional families and move BEYOND that pain to the happier lives that we fully deserve. (Hope I’m making sense here, as I do not mean to criticize my friends.)

It is interesting to hear from you how the dysfunctional dynamics are at play over several generations in your family, because it is exactly the same with mine. However, my mother was a very spoiled only child and could do no wrong in her parents’ eyes. My maternal grandparents were enablers. They saw my mother verbally abuse me constantly and literally try to eviscerate my soul. They never interceded on my behalf and would always act afterwards as if nothing at all had ever even happened. So when you have your own grandparents acting as if such vicious behavior is entirely normal, it just contributes that much more to the “brainwashing.” My mother’s parents put her on a pedestal. She could do no wrong. My late dad once recalled going with my mom to see her parents. When they walked in the front door, her parents reacted to her entry as if she were “Jesus walking across the water,” my dad said.

In regard to my nieces & nephews, they are all young adults except for my niece who witnessed the assault. She is still in her teens. I haven’t had to really cut them off because they have not bothered to initiate any contact with me at all since my mother’s death. My cousins think they are self-centered users just like their parents and saw how they ridiculed me behind my back at family gatherings where I was not present. (My cousins, bless them, have cut off contact with my siblings & their kids because they are disgusted with the way they treated me. Besides, as one of my cousins told me, “they are only interested in us if we can give them expensive graduation or wedding gifts. Otherwise, we don’t exist for them.”) I realize now what a one-sided relationship it always was with these kids. I was the one who put in all the effort to maintain contact and be there for them whenever they needed me. No longer.

Mimi, I believe that we at EFB tend to be the “givers” and our dysfunctional family members are the “users” or “takers.” We could give them the clothes off our backs and it would still NEVER be enough! Ultimately we have to create new families (friends, cousins, etc.) for ourselves – families that are loving, supportive and givers like us.

Yes, I’ll keep up with EFB no matter what. I want to keep up with all the news on how you and others are progressing as we all move onward and upward! It took me until my late 50s to WAKE UP to my dysfunctional family. (Thank God for the internet!) Yes, my siblings & their kids may be well-educated and financially successful. But they are also vicious, greedy people who are out of touch with their own emotions and use other people like toilet paper if they have something to gain or benefit from them.

In my opinion, the REAL success stories are right here at EFB. Decent, kind people who seek to live full, rewarding lives WITHOUT abusing and mistreating others in the process. And we are regarded by our selfish, nutcase family members as the unstable losers? I think not.

Many thanks again for your inspiring posts,


That’s it…. that is EXACTLY IT!! Nasty people detect vulnerability, and they move in like a hand grenade and explode in your face. That happened to me recently with a teacher. She was so nasty. I sat in the front row and she would talk to me (just short of yelling), so the whole class heard her belittle and talk down to me ~ act like I was an idiot and stupid. She refused to answer my questions. Her response would often be, “well, what did I say to do with your specimen”, etc. Well, if I KNEW that I wouldn’t have asked the question!!! I was also in the honors progam and had to do a project to meet honors requirements. I had to run ideas by her for approval. She shot every one of them down. I was left standing there with my proposal in hand, looking at her, and feeling like a complete moron. She never offered suggestions, just shot my ideas down and then stared at me. It was a microbiology class and it was my worst educational experience ever. I turned her in to the dean, and I tried to drop out. The dean talked me out of it, he was a nice guy. He allowed me to finish the course without ever stepping foot back in the classroom. I got recordings and notes from other students, and finished with my first ever “B” grade. I had a 4.0 until that crazy old woman came along!!! I just heard she retired, I’d say she was close to mid-late 70s. I’m not sure she retired, I think they may have helped her with that decision. We got to review her after the class was over, TWICE! I know her reviews were poor based on the chatter among students. She tells people she retired. I’m not certain that’s the case though. None the less, she’s GONE!! I might take it over so I can replace that B. Grrrrrr!!! All this happened during the time my foundation was crumbling because I was just discovering the crap about my mom. Okay, enough of that painful memory!! UGH!

My dad is an alcoholic and he left our home when I was 11. I was estranged from my paternal family until just a few years ago. I understand from what the family says, that he too walked on water. He was the only male of 5 kids, and of course the only one to carry on the family name. I don’t know what the truth is for sure about those dynamics. I know his parents discounted him on several money making deals and wouldn’t allow him to buy out part of the business they owned. It was probably like everyone here…. we love you to the outside world, but inside, we don’t want you.

You spoke about family loyalty. I think that’s the heart of the dysfunction in my immediate family. Silent teachings that people subconsciously follow along with. Denial and/or sweeping it under the rug is the way things are handled. I’ve tried to keep communication going about the deeper “stuff”. I’ve sent several emails to that end this year. I got nothing back, or a sentence or two. This is what support looks like?? Both my sisters have been through a lot of personal stuff this year. They both have kids too. I too have been through a lot with my husband since learning of his affair a year ago. My middle sister didn’t reach out to me one time after I told her of the affair. I could have divorced and moved across the planet and she would have never known. My mom didn’t reach out. I can’t imagine if one of my sisters or my mom were facing a possible divorce, that my heart wouldn’t be breaking for them. My oldest sister did reach out often. She was my support during that time. She moved 500 miles away about 6 months later. Her family was upside down, I understand she had to put her energy into keeping her own family together. My mother visited them a few months ago. My sister said all three of her kids ran to hug her when she arrived. My middle sister and I visited them in September of last year. When we arrived, we met them at a HS football game which was already in progress. We walked up the bleachers and my oldest niece who had just started college there, was sitting with two of her college friends. I don’t even think she said “Hi” to us. If she did, it was hushed. When I think of that non-welcome, and how she RAN to my mother when she visited them, I wonder, where the heck did I fail as her aunt?? I have searched my heart for an answer, and tried to be totally objective and honest with myself. I’ve failed to come up with an answer. Now, I give up. Wasted heart and mind space.

I believe you’re right on the giver statement. My friends see that in me. They often make sweet statements about me and I think, “where did that come from?” I suppose because no one else sees it. I bought my oldest sister a plaque for her birthday when I was on vacation last year. It’s called soul sisters. It says, “Because you see me clearly, and I see you. Because you inspire me to love deeply. Because you celebrate my courage, yet nurture my tender heart pieces. Because you are my memories. Because you always know what to say, and when to simply listen. Because you know my heart. Because I know yours. Because we are side by side, heart to heart, in this life journey. Because I count my lucky stars for you every single day.”

I can’t tell you how much of my heart was in that plaque. I wished someone would give me one deep down. I bought my middle sister one on ebay later on, and was going to give it to her for her birthday this year. I decided to give it to myself instead. I look at it and pretend it came from an imaginary person who feels this way about me. I also imagine that my oldest sister has hers face down in a drawer somewhere. It’s okay…. I have my own, and my heart is in it ~ To me, from me!!

Thank you so much for your insight, support, and correspondence. You’re right about the decent people here. People who have been squished know all too well what the pain of it feels like. I hope like heck I never ever inflict it on others. It’s having to experience it ourselves that gives us compassion and empathy for others. Thank you for your compassion!!
Much love and peace,

Scapegoat No Longer
June 1st, 2012 at 1:08 pm


It sounds to me like the only thing you are “guilty” of is having a much bigger heart than your mother or siblings, and that is certainly nothing to be ashamed of! You just need to surround yourself with people who appreciate your big, kind heart and nurture you in return.

The teacher you described was a nasty piece of work. It really hit me because I had an arrogant English composition professor who similarly ruined my GPA. He just relished tearing me apart in the classroom. This man could see that I was insecure about my writing ability. He was a bully, plain and simple, who thrived on picking on the woman whom he perceived to be the “weakest link” in the class. Don’t let such teachers pull you down. Mimi, just concentrate on all those wonderful teachers who recognized your talent and gave you that 4.0 GPA!

And in regard to that non-welcome – “been there, done that” with my own nieces and nephews. We NEVER failed as aunts to our nieces and nephews. It’s like my cousin’s wife (who is now very much my cousin, too) says, “your nieces and nephews were taught by example to disrespect you. They saw how their parents treated you over the years, and think it is perfectly normal to treat you the same nasty way.” In my sickly competitive mother’s case, she did not even want her young grandchildren to like me (the pathetic old-maid aunt) more than they liked her, so she always did her best to trash me in front of them behind my back and NEVER stood up for me later on in life when my siblings and their grown kids would denigrate and humiliate me in her presence. After all, they learned to do that from HER in the first place. And I “turned the other cheek” for decades because this was the only family I knew AND this was the regular style of family communication that I had known ever since I was a toddler!

The very moment my mother died, I stopped living in denial about all this scapegoating and quit repressing it. I went into a deep depression and got horrible anxiety. I got terrible insomnia. Plus I could barely eat for months and lost too much weight. It nearly destroyed my health and totally sapped my energy to the point where I could barely walk up flights of stairs. I am still trying to get my health back on track today and feel like I aged a decade overnight. (But the good news is that I overcame the depression and anxiety. Yes, I have my low moments, but I get stronger each day.) And all of this caused by my OWN “flesh and blood!” Without going into all the details of why I sank so low, I can just tell you that my cousins saved my life and expected nothing in return except for me to heal and thrive.

I cry as I write this, but the pain subsides a lot more quickly now. It’s as if one builds an emotional callus or scar tissue. It still hurts, but WHY do I allow it to hurt me when I now realize how truly disgusting and selfish my “family” is and that they are NOT worth the tears, as my friends and cousins stress to me. I guess it’s like one cousin gently told me, “The past year you have been mourning and grieving the family you never had. You deserved a loving, supportive family and you got stuck with these hateful users instead.”

Please check out this blog by Dr. Martinez-Lewi:

This psychologist nails it in her posts about the blood suckers in our own “families” who seek to unbalance us and bring out the worst in us, as opposed to our REAL friends who want us to thrive and always seek to bring out the best in us.

A big hug back to you and love,


Wow, that website is powerful. Great and valuable information there. I had done a lot of research on Narc’s last year, but I never came across this one. Really good stuff. The other one you posted, Light’s House, I have been there before. Good stuff there too. The internet is a VALUAble resource!

On Dr. Martinez’s website I read some stuff about bad psychiatrists. I had that experience last year. The counselor I was seeing was also seeing my mother separately. I gave up it up finally. She doesn’t want to see my mom for who she is. I pointed out a lot of stuff, she downplayed it, said I hadn’t forgiven and I’d never find peace until I did, etc. I realized she was only perpetuating MY problems. And, simultaneously feeding into my mom’s craziness. I don’t know if my mom sees her still. She sure did have her buffaloed though. I look back at that and laugh a little inside because the one with the big “degree” didn’t have a clue!! And, she wasn’t at all teachable!! Haha!!

Thanks for sharing the dynamics of your family. There is much wisdom in your words. It’s great that you have your cousins’ support! That means so much. I have found support in some family members who I never ever dreamed would be my allies. They see the truth of it all, and that’s been a great blessing to me. Sometimes, outsiders see things so much more clearly than the ones who are staring it in the face… like ME for 43 years. They have really blessed me, and I’m so thankful to have their presence in my life.

Thank you as always for sharing your wisdom!!
Much love and peace to you!


Hi everyone,
I was going back over the comments just now, and I saw that on May 9th, I wrote that my passion seemed to have vanished. I felt no sparkle left in my life.

I’m only writing an update to offer hope to others. Seems like it’s been a long time coming, but, I’m fascinated by the natural progression of things. My passion is returning. I thought I may never be passionate about anything ever again. The sparkle I mentioned is returning. I am feeling genuine happiness and freedom like I’ve not known before. I want to emphasize that it’s not my intention to boast ~ only to offer hope to the hurting.

Throughout this process that began over a year ago, I wondered if I would survive. The pain was excruciating. The realizations about the lack of love and loyalty in my family really tore me apart inside. I think I’m finally approaching the place where the payoff is coming to fruition. Even if it’s only a little peek at the payoff some days, I still see it.

My mother has chosen (thus far) to alienate me altogether since I asked her to explain what mistakes she’s willing to talk about, and to explain in detail how my correspondence with her was “angry and childish”. Those were things she projected onto me in an email. I am very capable of having a conversation without become angry. She has everyone around me thinking I have anger issues, and I bought into that just as they have. It’s true I’ve been very angry at times, years ago. I’m not that person anymore. And, it was righteous, justified anger at being attacked. She still tries to play that anger card with me. It soothes her.

I recently learned that she has dragged even more people into her web of lies. Lies about me. I have learned such a tough lesson over the past year that, it doesn’t matter. If literally ANYone listens to her and believes her, that is their choice. The result of that however is, I lose respect for them, and their presence in my life matters even less than it did before. I struggle not to proudly think, “well, you poor suckers”!! I try instead, to focus on the truth, the grand prize. I try to embrace the truth, no matter how painful.

So much confusion and pain settles in the soul in the midst of the process. I wondered if I would ever have empathy for people again. I wondered if I would turn out to be some hardened bitter being, without compassion for people. I was afraid of that. I was afraid that the “me” I knew, would be lost forever. I was afraid of being like HER!!

The truth of all that is, I have returned by tiny bits. My empathy and compassion are still intact, albeit more healthy. I can empathize and hold people accountable simultaneously. I am not afraid anymore. That alone is very liberating.

My hope is that as a result of the process, I will no longer attract people who sense vulnerability. I won’t attract abuse by random people. That billboard that screamed “weaK” will no longer be hanging over my head. In my heart of hearts, I believe more than ever that my mother taught me my worth. She taught me that I was useless. She paved a way for me that dictated how people would treat me. Out of familiarity, I subconsciously sought out people who treated me the same way ~ useless. Romantically and otherwise. I hope that as my own sense of self worth is strengthened, it will be apparent to others. On some subconscious level, my lack of self worth always has been like a neon light, yet invisible. It might still flash, but I hope to completely snuff it out with time.

I have come to really embrace the idea that we’re all created equally. Money and power never meant a whole lot to me, but, it means even less now. People with specific educations do not know more about me than I know myself. My doctor, a counselor, a pastor….. no longer are their words the FINAL say. I am free to research and believe my own beliefs. There is an authority on all these things. My own mind, my own body, and the bible. No degree or amount of study gets to dictate how I think or behave. False prophets are EVERYwhere. Arrogant, all knowing doctors are everywhere. Screwed up psychiatry is everywhere. As a FREE individual, I get to draw my own conclusions. That is so very liberating. I don’t wish to be closed or narrow minded. I will listen, then draw my own conclusions. Giving the power of my mind over to someone else is not at all liberating, and it doesn’t define true freedom. Unfortunately, I was taught to do this by my mother. She defined everything about me, and I walked around like a robot for 43 years, believing all she instilled in me. The amount of projection almost seems infinite. And, now, it seems ridiculous and obvious.

I am still learning about who I really am. It’s a scary, wide open space to be in. It’s also fun and free!! It’s like switching from a baseball game, to a football game. Literally, everything about it is different, including the rules.

The years and years of shame is being peeled off of me layer by layer, as I sit back and watch my mother make horrible messes, extending further and further at every turn. Holding her accountable has pushed her to depths of desperation I never thought I would see. I am unaffected, except that I realize who should really be ashamed. She should be ashamed for being the one man wrecking ball she truly is. She should be ashamed for the dynamics she created with her three daughters. She should be ashamed that she doesn’t truly love any of us. Her actions scream out over her words. She is a snake. Yes, she should be very ashamed.

All this to say, there is hope. In the depths of despair and realizations, I never could have imagined being here, yet, I’ve still so far to go. I don’t dread the process like I used to. I don’t wonder when the crying and pain will stop, anymore. I am at a different level now, and I can see light at the end of the tunnel. The fog is indeed lifting!!

With hope,


Mimi – Thank you for sharing. You have a beautiful way with words and getting across where you’ve come and where you are at right now. Congratulations on finding the passion. It’s hard work. I’m still working on trying to un-program 50 years of bad-programming by the NM, enabling alcoholic father and ridiculing GC brother. That’s a lot of years of brainwashing to overcome.

Anyway, I hope I can reach a place in my life where I’ve found some inner peace and passion so I can actually start enjoying my life. I’m trying to find the passion for my art again, but the focus just isn’t there. Dealing not only with the NM issues, but bankruptcy as well, so the stress has been a bit overwhelming the last couple years. It’s got to get better, right? 🙂 Anyway, thank you for your story to help us have hope.


Thank you. “A beautiful way with words” is not something I ever thought of as a gift I possess. I don’t think my sisters and I were allowed to blossom and embrace our gifts. I don’t think I know what mine are. I wonder what any of us could have been if it hadn’t all been dictated to us from the outset.

It truly is a lot of years of brainwashing, like you said. It’s so hard to undo it all. Some of the toughest days in life for me. I sort of lept forward in blind faith that something would improve if I let all the pain rise to the surface. I would have never known to do that if it weren’t for EFB however. I have learned so so much here!!

Peace and Hope to you Drained!!

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