The Confusion Created around Forgiveness Issues

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How do I forgive that?Forgiveness is always a huge issue and a hot topic with survivors of any kind of abuse or trauma that was inflicted by another person. A lot of people preach and teach that forgiveness is the ONLY way to personal freedom and recovery. I think that is a wrong.  I think being told that is like being re-abused.  I think that forgiveness is a RESULT of the healing process BUT I had to set the whole issue of forgiveness aside while I did my healing work.

Because only when I set that issue aside was I able to look at the whole picture from a new angle. I was able to look at it through the grid of the truth instead of through what was being dictated to me and all the false teachings around the forgiveness directives.

As someone who has personally recovered from childhood sexual abuse and dissociated identity disorder as well as multiple chronic depressions, forgiveness was not the key to recovery for me. I understand today that forgiveness is not saying “what they did is okay” and I also understand that there is no point in forgiving someone that isn’t sorry other than to set myself free BUT I was not able to forgive (EVEN for the purpose of setting myself free) when I had not even processed the trauma or abuse events through the grid of truth. There was a step missing in there; freedom doesn’t come by sweeping the whole issue under the carpet. Freedom and emotional healing comes from facing the truth about what actually happened and validating it.

In each case of abuse or trauma I had to look at the results of that trauma. I was used, unprotected, and not valued and it was inferred or outright stated that I had some responsibility in it.  The abuser was NEVER questioned! My feelings were invalidated. The truth about what really happened was also invalidated. For each instance where I had been mistreated, devalued, oppressed, suppressed, and not allowed to have a voice or a defense ~ I had to look at the real truth. Who did it? Could I have prevented it? Did I really “ask for it”. Did I bring it on myself or deserve it?  The answer was always no.  I had to place the blame and responsibility for those events and that mistreatment back on the people who were responsible for them in the first place. And I had to validate myself; YES I was abused. Yes I was mistreated and my feelings about it were shut down and invalidated. AND that was wrong.

We are told to forgive people who are not seeking forgiveness. It is confusing that so often these people didn’t “ask” for forgiveness because they denied that they ever did anything wrong in the first place. In this case it is “other” people telling me that I HAD to forgive as a solution to my distress.  I still remember feeling insane around this stuff. The abusers denied everything and I am told to just forgive what they said they didn’t do? It felt to me like even the people telling me to get over it and forgive, were also denying (agreeing) that it ever happened.

And when abusers expect forgiveness when still denying they ever did anything wrong  it is even WORSE! This one is a huge part of the fog storm that survivors live in.  Statements like “WHY can’t you just get over it; forgive and forget” mixed in with statements like “you are full of crap ~ that never happened” and “OH you are so dramatic and tell such big lies” is crazy making, manipulating and very confusing. Consider that for a minute. We are told that we are unreasonable and defective for “holding a grudge” but at the same time we are told that the event we hold a grudge for never happened in the first place! And then we are asked to forgive. (to forgive something that they deny they ever did!)

Forgiveness makes more sense to me when meant for those that have repented from their wrong doing and actually feel BAD about it and really know the damage they did. There was a fine line in there between the fact that I needed to forgive so that I didn’t live in the resentment and terror of what they did to me and the fact that I was trying to forgive people that still deny what they did!

Having said that, it was imperative that I put myself, my process of recovery and my emotional healing first, before I even considered how I felt about the people that had abused me.

What set me free was finally understanding what happened to me and believing that I had nothing to do with the abuse. I did not make any decisions that caused the abuse, devaluing treatment and lack of protection and I did not bring it on myself as I was always led to believe. Even in Christian society, there was this “indication” that first of all, I must have done something wrong, and that I could not get over it because I didn’t have enough faith and that if I could just ‘forgive’ (what was denied ever happened) then I would be set free.

Do you see how this goes round and round? Do you see the fog storm involved with these teachings? Do you see the brainwashing that we have lived with in this area??

These were the lies that were taught to me that I accepted as truth. I felt like something was wrong with me because I could not seem to just “do it”.

My whole entire life I believed that it was up to me to have prevented it, and it all spiraled down to something I did wrong. In the depths of my heart I believed that it was all my fault. I had to set that straight and embrace the life giving truth.

The fear (of abuse and abusers) also ate me alive and I realized that my fears were about the powerlessness I had when I was a child and had carried those fears and reactions forward into my adult life. It was only when I finally understood that it was NOT my fault in any way, that I began to recover, and eventually I was truly free to live life as a whole and functional person. Then the fears dissipated because finally I knew that I wasn’t powerless anymore. I knew that none of what happened was my fault and so much of the fear was based around the fact that when I thought it WAS my fault I didn’t know what I did to cause the abuse. If I didn’t even know what I did to cause it or why I deserved it, I lived in the constant fear of causing it again.

When I was free of the false beliefs, I was also free to forgive, but what forgiveness “feels” like for me is just that I was able to let go of the hated, anger, bitterness and frustration.  I don’t need to PROVE to them that it isn’t my fault that all this happened or even prove that it did happen. I don’t’ need them to HEAR me anymore. I hear myself and I have my support system. I do not need to “tell” the abusers who deny ever having abused me that I forgive them.  I don’t feel much emotion around them anymore. The anger has dissipated.  They don’t rule my life anymore and they don’t define me anymore. They can no longer tell me what to do or how to feel. I am my own person today and another sign of my freedom is that I know they can’t hurt me anymore. I am no longer afraid.

Life is so much better now! Thank you for sharing this journey with me. I appreciate each one of you.

Darlene Ouimet

The Emerging from Broken book is ready for download! If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, get this book today! This 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to healing.  Get yours here through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

Related posts: click any title to read Forgive the Abusers ~ A bit of a Rant

What about Forgiveness? by Christina Enevoldsen on OSA

Seeking validation and understanding from the wrong people

Permission to Live, busting through belief systems

 

 

 

 

 

 

144 response to "The Confusion Created around Forgiveness Issues"

  1. By: Rebecca Posted: 14th May

    My abuser DID admit to what he did and did ask for my forgiveness, and I said that was an unfair request and that he can only seek forgiveness from his god (I am not personally religious). I can’t even picture a time in my life when I will be able to “forgive”, by any definition of that word.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 14th May

      Rebecca
      Welcome to emerging from broken
      Forgiveness is your choice. Even the way you understand the word is your choice. Thank you for sharing
      hugs, Darlene

  2. By: SMD Posted: 15th February

    I too have struggled with forgiveness. My definition was what I learned from my Family- “get over it” and “don’t hold a grudge”. I now realize, that I was holding back for a reason. The people who did the damage deny they caused harm, won’t talk about it & there are no apologies! How can I forgive someone, if they don’t admit the truth.
    It’s sending a message, that their behavior was ok and my feelings don’t matter.

    They don’t even try to work it out, even when they know how I feel. That sends me a message that they don’t really care about ME or having a relationship. So with that being said, I don’t have the desire to forgive. I came to this conclusion recently, that only GOD can truly forgive. Only He knows what’s in their hearts. My healing is based on facing MY Truth! There is a difference between making mistakes & inflicting repeated harm.

    I hope this makes sense. After writing this, I doubt myself about whether this is true or not. I get confused about people’s intentions based on my experiences. Darlene, Can you clarify this?…Is this part of the process in healing?…I’m questioning so much, at this point in my life. Sincerely, SMD

  3. By: Mimi Posted: 15th November

    Hi everyone!!
    I know this is an older post, but in reading it, I’ve wondered myself why I couldn’t just hit the forgiveness button and be done with it. I’ve always thought I had a defect in that I wasn’t born with that ability. I am able to forgive, but it takes some time for me. Recently, I’ve thought a lot about why I struggle with immediate forgiveness, even in the face of a heartfelt apology. I believe it’s partly due to the message that’s been sent with the offense, which is always, “you’re not good enough”. That message sinks straight to my core and I have a really tough time handling it. Just recently, I was thinking about all the Christian people I know; well intended people who might say, forgiveness is the key to freedom. I still don’t have the ability they are speaking of. Flip a switch and all is well. With respect to their Christian beliefs I started to think about what the bible actually says about forgiveness. Of course, God suggests we forgive one another. BUT, the real revelation came when I thought of the verse that states, “the truth shall set you free, and you shall be free indeed”. I don’t remember ever seeing a verse that says forgiveness shall set you free. Only truth. Anyhow, I’ve held onto that for a few days now. Letting it sink in and hopefully it will have a bearing on my next steps regarding my family.
    Mimi

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 15th November

      Great points Mimi!
      Thanks for sharing! I agree… only the truth will set you free… AND only the truth DID set me free.
      Hugs, Darlene

  4. By: Kim Posted: 5th July

    Hey Darlene,
    As I continue to read your posts, I’m in awe really. Always. You recovery is amazing and encouraging.

    I wonder what you think about hypnosis? I have some memories returning and they are unpleasant. In the post above you mention facing the truth and I do believe that is the way, but because I left my body so often I have years worth of blanks spots. With the return of memories I’m inclined to believe there’s a lot more that I need to face but I don’t have the recall yet. My preference would be to not drag this out for years. I’ve been doing a lot of work around these old trauma issues lately and it’s been so freaking hard!Yet, I’m dedicated because women like you give me hope that all the nasty lower dark energy can be healed.
    Peace & Love, Kim

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 5th July

      Hi Kim
      I don’t know much about hypnosis as a tool for memory loss. I have never done it. I do not have all my memories ~ what I believe is that the memories are not a real key to recovery. I have two thoughts actually; One is the one I just mentioned and the second one is that the mind will give you the memories or whatever else you need, at the right time. In my case, I only looked at three memories, before I was well on my way to recovery. What I did differently was to look at what I believed “because” of the abuse or mistreatment. I had to look at what I believed about myself. Usually it was coloured through the grid of protecting someone else such as my mother. I felt so sorry for her that I could not blame her for what happened to me. In other words I excused her instead of placing the responsibility on her but I could not get to the whole truth that way. And it isn’t about blame anyway ~ it is about truth. MY truth. I don’t have to mix my mothers truth into it anymore. So the key is in the belief system. I hope that helps.
      Hugs, Darlene

  5. By: Vicki Posted: 23rd June

    What does ‘dwelling on the hurt’ mean? I’m asking b/c, every time I was upset even if it was the first time, my mom would yell at me and say ‘All you do is dwell on the negative.’
    I didn’t think I was dwelling on it, but I also don’t know what it means b/c it’s another of those phrases that, a lot of times, is used just to get someone to stop talking. I don’t believe you’re doing that, I’m talking about my mom.
    So I’ve seen it used both ways now, I’d just feel more comfortable if I knew what it meant.
    I never FEEL like I’m dwelling on ANYthing. I always feel like it invades me, like a hostile intruder, and then refuses to leave when I tell it to get out.
    That’s how it feels for me, but I haven’t thought about the phrase ‘dwell on it’ since the last time my mom said I was doing it. Well, she always made it sound like I was being upset on purpose just to get on her nerves specifically.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 23rd June

      Hi Vicki
      One of the readers said something that I thought was profound about “the past” She said, I will leave the past alone when it leaves me alone” and that made a lot of sense to me. Although I talk about the past almost everyday in this blog, it doesn’t bother me anymore.
      Your mother saying that is one of those typical things that is meant to just make you feel wrong. Just like you suspect. (because whatever she is saying is bugging her)
      Hugs, Darlene

  6. By: Lynda ~ Out Of The cRaZy Closet Posted: 21st June

    Vicki, I like what you said: “Even God doesn’t forgive a person who’s actively not sorry……. you have to ASK for forgiveness before you get it.”

    That pretty well sums up my feelings on the matter, too. How can I forgive someone who has done me a terrible wrong, when they have never indicated that they regret doing so? My answer is… I can’t. I won’t. I can eventually work my way through the hurt and anger and go on with my life, I can eventually work my way through to a place of peaceful serenity, where I no longer need to dwell on the hurt the person has done to me. Then I can focus on other, happier things… but, to FORGIVE someone who has never indicated that they are truly, sincerely sorry? To FORGIVE someone, who is continuing to hurt me every time they have the chance?? That makes no sense to me.

    Vicki, I am grieved in my soul about the things that are being said about the horrible 9/11 nightmare. A conspiracy with our own government?? That’s crazy, surely… I did not know, until I read your posts on FB about that a few hours ago, about those rumors… I do not watch or read the news, almost never, because there are too often, many triggers in the news for my PTSD.

    It’s a crazy world we live in. I’m sorry for your hurt, Vicki. I’m especially sorry that your daughter has told you she wants to distance herself from you because it hurt her so terribly to lose her dad in the World Trade Center, she doen’t want to risk being hurt that badly again when or if she loses you. That’s mixed up thinking caused by her hurt, and I hope she will eventually heal past that… but in the meantime, it must hurt you terribly, I know.

    Lynda

  7. By: Vicki Posted: 21st June

    I like the very first post. I like others too, it’s just that the first one jumped out at me.

  8. By: Vicki Posted: 21st June

    I’ve decided whatever forgiveness is, what it’s NOT is necessary. It’s not even necessary, for me anyway, to even talk about it. And anyone who doesn’t like that, well that’s not my problem either.
    After being told to fucking pray for Osama bin Laden’s soul, by a Catholic woman who believes that action will get his soul out of whatever hell he went to, I said forget the whole goddam thing. I’m NOT praying for Osama bin Laden’s soul, mind, emotion or any other part of his pathetic existence while he had it.
    Furthermore, these people don’t even know what the hell they’re talking about before they start running their great big fat mouths. A few weeks after the woman told us to do that, and I said no, we received information (well the government received it but we were informed of it) that he gave as his reason for why he did what he did and even why he was going to KEEP doing it. That reason was ‘The Americans are in Arab countries and killing them is the only way they’re going to leave.’
    He was planning another attack, probably for September 11, 2011 (that’s the date he gave in the document; either that or July 4, 2011), he wasn’t the least bit fuckin’ sorry for what he’s already done and she was telling me to pray for his goddam soul. While he was planning more attacks, I’m supposed to be praying for his soul. And SHE’S the one people think make sense.
    This comment will probably be deleted for its existence of curse words, but I chose to enter it with them there, b/c I’m sick and freakin’ tired of people telling me to forgive other people–and the people who abused me when I was young are some of them–who have no goddam sorrow at all and are even planning to create more chaos.
    My A. Rosemary threatened to “beat the shit out of me” if I breathed a word of what happened, which she insisted never occurred but knows did, or she wouldn’t need to threaten me.
    I need to do my own healing. That doesn’t include forgiving people like her or Osama bin Laden.
    Even God doesn’t forgive a person who’s actively not sorry, for God’s sake. If anyone thinks he does, I’d like to know how. It says you have to ASK for forgiveness before you get it.

  9. By: Pinky Posted: 16th June

    @Lynda, sorry you are hurting, grief takes it time and s different in each case with each person. This may not help butI just want to share with you someone I was close to (long story) died in 2009 and always reassured me they were not going to die because (as a joke) they would say only the good die young! I think there is some truth in that! Life is so short and I realize that more and more each day! hugs!

  10. By: Lynda ~ Out Of The cRaZy Closet Posted: 16th June

    PS~ In addition to being a registered nurse, my cousin Elaine had a Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology. During one of her final conversations with her mother, my aunt told Elaine about recently receiving in the mail the 60+ page hate letter my “mother” had recently sent to me. My aunt also shared with her daughter, the wonderful reponse she had just mailed to her only sister, my mother~ a response that put my mother in her place, with style.

    I told my cousin how I used to think that “I was the only one” to have a horrible hateful mother like that, until I found this blog online, and some others, and learned that, sadly, I am far from being the “only one.”

    “I have come to realize that my mother probably has Narcissistic Personality Disorder,” I told Elaine. After a brief silence, my cousin blurted out: “WOW! THAT would explain…. EVERYTHING!”

    Oh, Elaine….

  11. By: Lynda ~ Out Of The cRaZy Closet Posted: 16th June

    Darlene, and Pinky,

    What you both said…. made me cry. Healing tears.

    I’ve been doing a lot of crying of healing tears since my cousin Elaine drowned 13 days ago.

    My husband and I were in the process of planning a memorial service for her, when the hospital where my cousin worked, beat us to it. I’m so glad they did…. my cousin’s co-workers put together a video of memories, photos, comments about her, things she had said, OH it was the most moving, loving, beautiful memorial service I have ever been to, and in my lifetime, I have been to many funerals.

    My aunt…. wow. She is, as she says now, “71 and 1/3” years old. She was, she IS, the best, most unconditionally loving and giving MOM I have EVER known…. the polar opposite of her sister, my so-called mother. My aunt, even at the memorial service of her only daughter, was so lovely and gracious and gentle and…. I can’t even put it into words. I told my aunt, “YOU are THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN I have ever known.” I idolized my aunt from the time I was a tiny tot, and today, I love her more than words can say.

    So, I am grieving the loss of my dear sweet young cousin, and I am also grieving on behalf of my aunt, mourning with her, her unspeakable loss.

    In all of her PAIN, she is GRATEFUL! Grateful that she had Elaine for not-quite 39 years. Grateful for all the precious memories she had with her daughter.

    I printed out all of the many loving tributes that have been posted on my cousin’s facebook wall, in the days since her death. I increased the font size a bit, because my aunt has cataracts. The total number of pages of loving tributes to my cousin was 83!! 83 pages of LOVE.

    At the memorial service last Friday, when my aunt went forward to speak about her beloved daughter, she held up those 83 pages and said, “This is my speech.” Even in her searing grief, my aunt’s bright beautiful sense of humor lives on~

    I spoke, too, on behalf of my cousin. I told how I had talked for almost an hour on the phone to Elaine on the night before her death. I told her in that last conversation, that I love her 4 ways: One, I love you for YOU. Two, I love you because you are my cousin. Three, I love you because I love your mom, my favorite aunt. And four, I love you because I loved your father, my favorite uncle…

    Oh how I used to love to sit across the table from my cousin Elaine, and see both her father and her mother in her face, in her voice, in her gestures and mannerisms. She was a perfect blend of those two people whom I loved so much, long before she was even born.

    Forgiveness? I have been struggling with ANGER at a universe that would take my cousin Elaine, just like that, let her DROWN, when she had so much life, so much love, so much yet to DO. She was a registered nurse on an infusion ward, she gave chemotherapy and other treatments to the sickest of patients. Several of her patients also spoke at her service there in the hospital. Also several co-workers.

    I don’t understand how, why, Elaine can be GONE, just like that! We had plans, SHE had plans, my husband and I were helping her with those plans, and then, on the morning she died, she sent text messages to our cell phone saying that she and her friend were on their way up north to the hot springs, and YAY! and a smiley face… she was happy, she was excited, and a few hours later her body was found in the hot springs…

    In my lifetime I have received the bad news about many loved ones dying.. but only twice did I SCREAM when I got that terrible news. The first time was when my baby grandson Kyle died in 2006, and the second time was Saturday morning, June 4, when my precious aunt called to tell me that her only daughter had drowned.

    We all know that none of us will live forever. We all know that death can come at any time, for any one. We know that all over the world, every day, every hour, people of all ages are dying, in all manner of ways. We know this, but to maintain our sanity and equilibrium, we keep this knowledge pushed to the back of our minds…. we make plans for a week from now, for a month from now, for a year from now, 5 years, and 10 years…. and then we get a phone call that shatters all our plans.

    Part of me wants to just curl up in a ball and QUIT. But… the bigger part of me wants to do what a little girl named Jillian Bucklin said, when she was dying of bone cancer at the age of 9. She was the daughter of some friends of mine, and she lost one arm to cancer. After a brief remission, her cancer came back, and she didn’t live to be 10. But, shortly before she died, this young lady with the very wise spirit said: “WHILE YOU ARE ALIVE ~ LIVE!”

    I don’t know what this has to do with the topic of forgiveness, it just came pouring out of me. I guess.. the forgiveness I need to come to, for the loss of my cousin, my only blood relative in the state where I live. My aunt said it so beautifully at her daughter’s service: “I give God the credit for all the good things in life, but I don’t blame him for the bad. I give God the credit for giving me my wonderful daughter….”

    I want to be like my precious auntie when I grow up.

    Lynda

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 16th June

      Hi Lynda,
      I’m glad that there was a beautiful memorial for your cousin Elaine. I think that tragic events make all kinds of things come to the surface, so just let them come out. I am gald that you are sharing. Where there is as much history as there is in your life, it really does take time to get it all out and to sort it all out, face the lies, and replace them with truth. You are on the journey which is all that matters!
      Hugs and Love, Darlene

  12. By: Pinky Posted: 15th June

    @Lynda, so true all you have said! It is refreshing that you admit that you do not really know exactly what forgiveness is. Most people do not but would never admit it!I also did not believe in God at all for years and years. But it was not due to church abuse.
    I think forgiveness and everything else really falls under the category of if it is done in faith (you know, I want to forgive…) then I think God accepts it as forgiveness because we can only be judged according to our own light . Something that might not be sin for me might be for you and visa versa. Anyway that is what I believe that God judges the heart not the “right” way of doing anything. And as you say if you are stabbed you bleed I can not accept that God woudl expect us not to bleed. Jesus bled, Jesus wept, Jesus got angry at the money changers and pharisees…God would never expect us to be anti human, Jesus had human emotions and expressed them so this Christian culture of denial is ridiculous.
    And so true especially to “Funny how forgiveness is always demanded by the abusers…. but never GIVEN by the abusers.”

  13. By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 15th June

    Exactly Lynda!
    EXACTLY ~ How could someone who preached that, write that kind of letter! That is what I am talking about. That “love” is only one sided, and all about what you can do for them. Love , respect, forgiveness, didn’t apply to them! These were the things that I realized that set me free. This is the truth that I am talking about.
    I have been thinking about writing an article about the history of how parenting was taught… It was believed that children were born bad and that the bad had to be forced out of them. That discipline had to begin very very young. It was also believed that children had no memory before the age of 5 !!! so it didn’t really matter what you did to them. I am pretty sure that half our society still believes that children are born bad etc because it creates a convenient excuse to abuse them!
    I could go on and on….
    Hugs, Darlene

  14. By: Lynda ~ Out Of The cRaZy Closet Posted: 15th June

    PS~ BORN ALREADY a SINNER? Yes, that’s what my parents believed and preached. Was this their “justification” for being so abusive to me from the time I was a tiny tot?

    Sick thinking. I am a Christian today, but I no longer buy all that sick ignorant “fundamentalist” thinking. About 3 weeks ago my extremely religious mother sent me a new and improved 60+ page hate letter, detailing all the “wrongs” of my entire life… apparently the 50 page hate letter she sent me 28 years ago had expired. In this latest letter, which I never read, thanks to my husband seeing it first and destroying it ~ my mother said that God told her to write that letter. Still the same old, same old, after all these years.

    Forgiveness? She who always preached “forgive and forget,” writes 60+ pages worth of a lifetime of her grievances against me, both real and imaginary, mostly exaggerated, one-sided, and filled with lots of total misunderstandings in which I am NEVER given the benefit of the doubt… I’m just guessing, since I didn’t read the latest letter, that’s what her 50-page hate letter that she sent me when I was 30, was like.

    Funny how forgiveness is always demanded by the abusers…. but never GIVEN by the abusers.

  15. By: Lynda ~ Out Of The cRaZy Closet Posted: 15th June

    Hmm. I grew up in a very strict church where my father was the preacher, and FORGIVENESS was the first thing you had to do, in order to qualify you to be FORGIVEN of your “inborn sin” ~ in my dad’s church you didn’t have to actually do anything wrong to be guity of sin and in need of forgiveness to escape eternal hellfire; you were BORN A SINNER.

    So. After trying out many different churches and religions, including no religion at all for many years… after reading the Bible from cover to cover at least 5 times, plus many other books on the topic of forgiveness… at the ripe old age of 58, I have decided, despite having a Mensa iq, that:

    I don’t have a CLUE what FORGIVENESS really MEANS.

    And, at this particular moment in my life…. I don’t much care.

    Thanks for the great post, Darlene. I’ll have to read the comments later.

    Lynda

  16. By: Kate Posted: 10th June

    I found this article posted on facebook today.

    http://www.kellyclarkattorney.com/general/on-apologies-and-forgiveness/

    “I get asked quite often by people what is the role of apology and forgiveness in the work that I do. Well, the short answer is: not much. As a child sex abuse attorney having represented over over 300 men, women and children who suffered child sexual abuse, I can count on one hand the number of times that I have witnessed a genuine apology and a request for forgiveness. Whether from those responsible for Catholic priest abuse, Boy Scout abuse, Mormon abuse, or any of the other contexts in which these crimes occur– families, schools, athletic leagues– I just haven’t seen it, with but a few exceptions.”

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 10th June

      Kate,
      Thanks for sharing that link, that article is really good! I am going to keep my eye on that blog. 🙂
      Hugs, Darlene

  17. By: Kate Posted: 8th June

    Jenny,

    When did this order for supervised visits begin?
    Have you actually supervised any of these yet, or is this just starting? Do you have a pocket tape reocrder and phone camera?
    Did you want to be the one supervising?

    we had mediation two times because he didn’t want me moving the kids out of state. (more like because the experience would give him one more woman to fantasize about–the mediatior)

    I told her how he was arrested three days before for rafting on the river when there was flooding going on, and it wasn’t even a real raft, and it was just a real nightmare, and she looked at him and said, “you were the “river morons”? They were talking about you on talk radio for two hours on the way to work this morning…you can leave the room now.” Then she told me how he shot himself in the foot and lost this effort…

  18. By: Pinky Posted: 8th June

    @Jenny I have been thorough something similar is is a long hard road I wish you the best! (you supervising that is priceless!) Wow! I hope you can get an attorney and judge that will realize how impossible that is! It puts you in a terrible position! Hugs and prayers!

  19. By: Jenny Posted: 8th June

    Pinky,

    I so appreciate your encouragement because I thought the most difficult part of her abuse was over and that was finding out, believing her and standing up to his whole family for her….but it is obviously not enough…I already have supervised visits for her (me supervising) but she needs to be away from him altogether….I pray I win too…thanks I will do my best.

  20. By: Pinky Posted: 8th June

    You are welcome Jenny and I hope you win in court and do not have to deal with him. All girls love their daddy’s but she is not in the position right now to protect herself. Once she is an adult she can make those decisions but right now the best you ca do is protect yourself and her emotionally. I wish you the best!

  21. By: Jenny Posted: 8th June

    Thank you ladies for the support that has been so badly needed today!! I have gone to mediation with him and he actually lives out of state, it’s jut that he recently visited and stirred up the pot again and I can’t see subjecting her or myself to reopening those wounds over and over…for who’s sake, his?? she does love him and one day she will have to see him for who he really is….you have all given me some clarity and for that I am grateful…hugs to all

  22. By: Kate Posted: 8th June

    Jenny,

    Sorry, I lost the fact that your x sexually molested your daughter. I think that mine has been inappropirate in every way had possibly can with our daughter, emotionally, and sexually in various ways, and I don’t know the full extent of it.

  23. By: Kate Posted: 8th June

    Jenny,

    Yes, I hear you about x’s. My x’s mother told him that the only language I would understand was a beating (I heard her say this) and I immediately entered the room and told him to get me out of there, to which he replied,n “Go read your bible.”

    That 20 years ago. I stayed with him until about 6 years ago. Chronic liar and repeated adulterer, physically intimidating, and eventually physically abusive.

    I face multiple challenges with our four children because of him. I try to get my children to be in touch with their own feelings and deisres. This is a LONG term goal. It is discouraging, and so I cannot give up on this. I may be the only person ever talking to them in this way.

    One thing i will never do again is send a child to a Christian college since we’ve just had too, too many bad experiences in them. And it defeats my goal of my children knowing themselves and seeking what is best for their own lives.

  24. By: Pinky Posted: 8th June

    Hi Darlene,
    nice day at the beach only I threw my back out and have to go to the chiropractor (old age) 🙂 and we are having rolling black outs due to the heat wave. So I am using the computer on no power it might go out again soon. And if you need to delete this fine but Jenny asked for advice I want to give my two cents.
    @Jenny, you said—– he is so unenlightened and was actually preaching to me about god and how he is going to pray for me…the nerve of some people…makes me sick…anyway, thanks for reading my rant…any advice is welcomed for dealing with him.

    Reminds me of my brother who raped me though we have not had contact in years he always says he prays for me at least he used to say it when we had contact.But I took the step to cut contact though he tries to get back into my life. He went onto molest his 2 years old daughter and break her legs. Too bad he is on his way to hell not sure who is praying to or who is listening.

    Anyway any advice, yes, don’t deal with him, fight him in court, he should be no where near you or your daughter. It is not in the best interest of your daughter to have him in her life at all on any level in my opinion and unfortunately court cases can take years and thousands of dollars but unless a judge awarded him custody already and still I would appeal that I cant imagine even wanting to have him in your life at all. Again I dont know your situation and if you are forced by a judge to deal with him but I would still fight it if that is the judges decision. No judgement just advice. I mean a child molester? Why deal with one if you dont have to and eve if you do I woudl fight that as well .

  25. By: Jenny Posted: 8th June

    wow, that was a ride….

    I completely agree about the “forgiveness” thing….I think it’s just another form of abuse, it continues to put the weight of the offense on you, the victim…it serves the abuser again…of course, no surprise there. My abuser is dead and I know he would have never taken ownership of any wrong doing so, there is no pressure there to forgive….however, the dysfunctional enabling family I grew up in is something I have to deal with. My mother is a denial queen but seems to be opening her mind in little bits here and there….I don’t really feel a lot of hatred for her, just sadness since she grew up so horribly and passed it on to her own kids…I fight everyday to not pass it on to my daughter…I seek health….it is tough….especially when I do have to deal with my daughter’s father who sexually abused my daughter and acts like nothing happened…like I am crazy…yep, he is the one that gets my blood boiling…I could smash a mountain after having contact with him, he is so unenlightened and was actually preaching to me about god and how he is going to pray for me…the nerve of some people…makes me sick…anyway, thanks for reading my rant…any advice is welcomed for dealing with him

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 8th June

      Hi Jenny,
      When I talk about abusers~ I mean anyone who devalued me… All abuse is abuse and when it comes to parents who ignor or dismiss the truth, it isn’t any easier, in fact sometimes it is even harder to deal with! But YAY that you try not to pass this on to your daughter. It must be very difficult to have to deal her father who abused her and will be extreemly important that you do hear her now, that you don’t discount her as she has already been discounted by him so badly.
      I like what Pink said about dealing with him. I do hope that you have some help with this for her too.
      Thanks for sharing,
      Hugs, Darlene

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