The Body Disconnect: A Journey to Self-Love. By Kim Vazquez


Life Transformation

A few weeks ago I wrote a post called Foundation of Eating Disorders and Body Issues and I mentioned using a technique mentioned to me by life coach and Author Kim Vazquez. I am excited to have Kim as a guest blogger today! Please help me welcome Kim and feel free to leave your comments for her. You can visit her website at or join her author facebook fan page ~ click here.

The Body Disconnect: A Journey to Self-Love. By Kim Vazquez

 I was only eleven when my dad married a woman who was closer to my age, than his. It seemed to me that his young, second wife and I were in competition. As my dad became less and less available to me, I felt she was winning the competition. When he left my life altogether, I was eighteen. Game over. She had won, and I was officially the loser. A woman discarded. Unloveable. Without value. And I had my whole life ahead of me. I’d have to face it without self-esteem.

 During the years that followed, I believed in my worthlessness. It was easy to find a multitude of people who helped me keep that story going—employers who didn’t pay me fairly, abusive boyfriends who hurled more than insults at me, friends who just didn’t seem to care enough. The energy of my pain worked like a magnet, pulling toward me evidence that the world at large agreed with me that I was irrelevant. I was so busy looking outside myself, so stunned and distracted by the unkindness of others that I was unable to see what my own actions were doing to me.

 During those tough years, a spell was cast over me by a dark voice in my mind. Not the voice of a separate personality, but the voice of my ego, which promised me that if I pushed myself harder, I’d eventually achieve enough to force the world to acknowledge my worth. I thought this voice was trying to help me. I called it a motivator. It wasn’t until much later that I came to understand that this voice, the one I now call the Taskmaster, was really teaching me self-abuse.

 When the Taskmaster said, You don’t need to eat yet, finish your project first, I learned to resent my body for having needs that interrupted my time. When the Taskmaster said, You don’t need to rest. First, let’s get your to-do list done, I learned to push through fatigue. Ignore that migraine, the voice in my head told me. You have one every day. What are you going to do, lay around and never get anything done because your head hurts? I learned to push through pain, no matter how severe. You don’t have time to be sick. We’ve got a lot to do, the voice would say. So I began to feel disappointed in my body for failing me when I was already stressed out by my busy schedule. I resented the body for holding me back when I had too much to do and not enough time to do it in.

 Don’t worry about drinking six cups of coffee a day, the Taskmaster murmured. I learned to have no regard for the body’s need to be hydrated with water so it can function optimally. You don’t need anyone’s help. The Taskmaster urged me to be independent and reminded me that I couldn’t count on anyone else, anyway. I never gave my body a break. Okay, the voice said, you can take a bath, but if you do, we’ve got some endless thinking to do while you’re in there. The Taskmaster encouraged me to spend every moment of so-called downtime chasing my tail around my mind so I never had any real peace or rest.

 The Taskmaster also took charge of my social life. You’re too busy to meet up with your friends. Forget about sitting on the couch with your husband. The voice encouraged me to do only things that were task-oriented. It—and I—ignored any activity that might bring joy or balance to my life. Buy another rental property. Buy a new home. Get a new car. Buy a vacation home in Tahoe. Open your own business. Open a second business. I learned that my happiness was in my future when I achieved (fill in the blank).

 At age thirty-seven, I hit bottom. My body was failing. Seventeen pounds fled from it in just nine days. My organs ached. My mind was fried. I was put on disability and was forced to change my whole life.

 My body had let me down again.

 Will the real offender please stand up?

 While I was recovering from that episode, it began to dawn on me that I was the problem. I had taken a lot from my body over the years and had given it very little in return. I was mad at everyone around me because I thought they should take better care of me, but I couldn’t see that I was The Queen of Self-Abuse. Five-year-olds probably knew how to take better care of themselves.

 From a new sense of compassion for my body, I decided to look back to see where I’d gone wrong. Where could I make some changes? I found that in the past when I was sick, I was always impatient and basically demanded that my body dare not inconvenience me. Forget that I didn’t eat nutritious food, get any rest, exercise or drink water. Talk about a disconnect.

 When my body had physical needs, I had just thrown whatever I could into it to get it to shut up. Here’s some Nyquil. Here’s an Ambien. Here’s a Vicodin. Here’s some fast food. Now, hurry up and quit bugging me with your needs.

 When my body had felt emotional pain, I’d berated myself for having needs and for being weak. If I couldn’t chastise the feelings out of myself, I used work as Novocain or went out for cocktails. 

 Yes, it was clear. I was the person who had harmed me the most. I was ready to make amends. With pure gratitude, I began a conversation with my body. Please teach me to speak your language, I said. It responded with joy, and a beautiful source of wisdom and guidance opened itself up to me. Our new relationship began with my commitment: Body, I said, I will listen to you. I will care about your needs. I will love you.

 Today when I don’t feel well, I get quiet and ask my body, What do you want me to know? How can I meet your needs? Just like a whole person, a body responds to love and acknowledgment. It will heal so much faster when it’s spoken to with kindness. My body works with me to reveal the areas of imbalance in my life that need attention. Sometimes, through malaise or a touch of funkiness, it will gently remind me that there’s unresolved emotion lurking. I thank my body for letting me know this.

 My body is an ally that is willing to work with me and guide me to optimum health and joy.

 For me, it works out best if I listen to my body, not the voice of the ego in my mind. I am only a work in progress. Due to the many years’ practice of being disconnected from myself, I must be patient with myself as I learn new behaviors.

 My intention is to honor myself and live the way of self-love.

 Today I see my body as a gift. It’s an honor and a privilege to have this physical vehicle that I use to navigate through my life. My body is my own personal miracle. Have you ever thought about how truly amazing the body is? 

 What day is better than today to begin a loving relationship with your body, with your SELF? For me it started with gratitude: Thank you for all you’ve done for me. And then the question: What can I do for you?

 Peace & Love~

Kim Vazquez

 Kim Vazquez is the author of two books: New From the Inside Out: How to Transform Your Mind and Your Life and Living in the Rear View Mirror: From Substance Abuse to a Life of Substance. Kim has found her true calling helping others connect to their divine guidance. She offers Transformational Life Coaching, Workshops, and Sacred Healing Circles through her practice in Placer County, CA. For more information, visit:

25 response to "The Body Disconnect: A Journey to Self-Love. By Kim Vazquez"

  1. By: Dru Posted: 25th May

    Thank you for sharing this. I’ve long looked at my inability to take care of myself as yet another way that I was broken. I’m still trying to learn to take care of myself but I can start listening today.

  2. By: Kim Vazquez Posted: 26th September

    Hi Angela, I can understand what you said about having extra weight be the safety net. I’m so glad to hear that you are making the changes to heal and grow in love for yourself. That’s what it’s all about, isn’t it? I still work on the food stuff myself. It’s a process. I’m with you- I still have a lot to learn and new ways to heal are always revealing themselves. It’s so worth the work, though. Life gets better and better! Peace & Love~
    Kim Vazquez

  3. By: Angela Contreras Posted: 26th September

    Kim thanks so much for sharing part of your story. I can relate big time. I never took care of my body I was raised to be thin and was on diets all of my childhood then once i got older I gained weight and eat anything and everything drank everything ran from myself. I felt safe in a fat body when thin I got attention from men and did not know how to deal with it. I got so many memories so being heavy was a safty net for me. I can go on and on how much I relate to your story. I have made lots of changes and have been healing but I still have the food probem I stopped the other addictions like drinking and drugs. Thank God I have a lot to learn and more healing to go. Thanks for helping me see more to heal.

  4. By: Mel Posted: 12th September

    Darlene, I totally resented my mothers boyfriend too. But he also didn’t welcome us with open arms. Even after we left her home (to live with my grandparents) I blamed the boyfriend. I could only see that since things changed after he arrived, he must be the reason for breaking up my family and taking all my mothers attention.

    I remember watching the movie Flowers in the Attic and felt so much anger when the mother locked her children away. I remember crying and throwing the sofa pillows at the TV LOL ~ but for some reason I did not want to see my mother as the one who was disinterested, pushing her children away.

    As a matter of fact, It was when I experienced family life with my ex and his daughter and it became clear about his presence in her life that i related the experience to my own. I was like, Hey! I am making an exceptional effort here, what’s his deal!?!

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 13th September

      I know just what you mean, I never wanted to see my mother that way either. My next few posts are about the confusion and pain that I went through when her boyfriend came before me and how I coped with that ~ without blaming her for not taking care of me or even caring about me. That kind of thing has life long effects!
      It is really hard to comprehend how a mother could discount her own children, but it is really important to our recovery, to see the way things really were, so that we can move forward with out the baggage of all the false beliefs!
      Hugs to you Mel,

  5. By: Wayne Sadowy Posted: 12th September

    Darlene ,glad to hear your ok , My apologies for any misconceptions i may have had , Peace ,love -wayne (i’ll go away now)

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 12th September

      It’s perfectly fine Wayne, I just wanted to clarify, thats all… you don’t have to go away. =)
      Hugs, Darlene

  6. By: Wayne Sadowy Posted: 12th September

    Kim , I have found you have to re-learn to love your Self ,…become comfortable & self-sufficient in your OWN skin.. BEFORE… others can love You!!. Once you achieve that .. love follows .. you don’t have to conform to others ideals or expectations …as you you tend to lose Yourself in that process. Don’t downsize your expectations or values … for Love for just for.. Loves sake .(though we all CRAVE it !!!,sometimes to our own detriment & and any cost !!) Be true to your values & yourself & I guarantee you …Love will follow -wayne

  7. By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 12th September

    your comment made me kind of laugh.. I don’t think you realize that this is my blog about recovery from abuse, depression and other mental health struggle, and Kim is a guest blogger. =) I am not having any problems with my father AND I AM alright. I just wanted to clear that up ..
    Hugs, Darlene

  8. By: Wayne Sadowy Posted: 12th September

    Darlene ,he is fallible & SELFISH if you can get past that you should be alright . He thinks only of HIMSELF < Write him he can't think of others …only Himself , you're better off without him. Hard but true

  9. By: Kim Vazquez Posted: 12th September

    Carol- I hope you will keep the faith. I was able to heal myself of the daily migraines that plagued me for almost 12 years. I believe that healing is possible!

    Wayne- thanks for the short and sweet pep talk. Words to live by.

  10. By: carol Posted: 12th September

    hi kim,
    i have been thinking about what you said, and it sort of echos what i have been tryin to do this summer, but the actuality of goin to the hospital becos of my lungs leaves me greivin for the waste of time sat waitin to be told they cannot do anything more as such. yet i have decide today to ring the ward i self admit to, and speak to the docs if i can and if i have to go i will after i have had me CBT assessment, cos i really am not going to miss thenext stage of mental healing due to phyiscal restraints. i ahve always had to push through the barrier of my limits, but am learning to rest more just need to sort out food issues and then i will be more in control instead of the past.
    i am so far ahead on some issues, yet so far behind in other areas. it so confusing that i cannot transfer my understanding and awareness into better behaviour

  11. By: Wayne sadowy Posted: 12th September

    Don’t ever doubt your self-worth as it becomes a pit which is hard to get out of >Focus on Your qualities ,Keep on keepin on ,find happiness within your self & find peace .&(you will ) -sincerly wayne

  12. By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 12th September

    Kim and Mel,
    I resented my fathers new wife, I think that I thought it was unfair that someone else was going to get his attention before I had a chance. When I was in my twenties I think I realized just how amazing his wife really was dealing with the whole thing. She was one of those rare women like you Mel, who did accept my fathers children as part of the package. I still did not realize however that my father was totally disinterested in me. I kept trying to get him to notice me, but he never really did. I only recently looked at the whole relationship that I had with him through the lens of truth. Today, I feel sorry for his second wife too. (they are no longer married) He lost her for likely the same reasons that he lost his first family. He was in fact emotionally unavailable to everyone. It seems as though everyone in my family thinks that my Dad is this amazing great guy, but I don’t get it. He never was with me.

    Hugs, Darlene

  13. By: Mel Posted: 12th September

    Thanks Kim 😀 For the longest time I carried blame and guilt for his actions towards his child. It wasn’t easy to share part of my story because I wasn’t just ‘that woman’ who didn’t accept and value the whole family package. I feel my own experience coming from a broken family helped because I could relate on many levels. In my heart I know she valued the time we shared as much as I did. I have no doubt she is thriving in life. Once she broke the silence that ate up her childhood she didn’t waste any time making her own life surrounded with people who treated her with love and respect.
    Hugs, Mel

  14. By: Kim Vazquez Posted: 11th September

    Hi Mel,

    I’m so glad that you shared your story. That’s the wonderful thing about these blogs. When you share, you are bound to help someone else. It’s great to hear a perspective from the other side of that situation. It sounds like having you as an ally was a quite a gift for his daughter, regardless of whether she realized it at the time, you made a difference.

    It’s good to hear that you are on the path of honoring yourself. It’s an amazing thing when we learn to honor ourselves. Our whole world changes and starts to deliver honorable people to us. 🙂 Peace & Love to you. Kim

  15. By: Mel Posted: 11th September

    Hi Kim,

    Wow, your story touches close to home. I’ve actually been writing about my own experience from a past relationship which brought on similar health issues with a big splash of post traumatic stress disorder.

    In my mid twenties, I was a woman who was engaged to an older man with a daughter 10 years younger than I. At first I understood the distance between the father/daughter relationship was because of problems with his ex wife. I later discovered he had always dated younger women who wanted nothing to do with his child. I also learned her mother told her at a young age that daddy canceled his visits because he would rather be with his girlfriends.

    After meeting me, my ex was exposed to something he had never been before with me being very family oriented. I embraced his child as a friend and later as a part of my new family. I understood she didnt need a mother, that being a friend and a role model would grow a healthy relationship between us. Having just turned 26 with no children of my own I felt pretty confident. I was prepared for anything believing that most challenges can be overcome with love, understanding and patience.

    I grew up with step parents and experienced ‘losing’ the battle to the men in my mothers life. I knew what it felt like to compete for my mothers time and attention. My dream was to build and be a part of a healthy functioning family.

    I encouraged my ex’s visits with his daughter to be kept for them, but he constantly begged me to join them saying he didn’t know what to do or say to a teenager.

    It became very distressing when I noticed her feeling the deprivation when he would bring me along on ‘their time’ and not invite her on vacations. He began to turn it around on me if I wouldnt go with them on outings saying that I dont accept his daughter in my life and questioned us having a child together. It was confusing because I could see a balance of ‘family time’ and ‘their time’, but he couldnt. I made his relationship with her easier…

    He always gave her the minimum of everything. I tried explaining about how it appeared to be affecting her but he didnt change anything. Not only did his actions affect her well being and self esteem, his actions also affected my relationship with his daughter too.

    I began to see that as I got closer to her as a friend, he would continue to do things like buy me a new car just after she got her license. She would resent me. I could never understand why he did this.

    The one thing I am happy I did was encourage her speak out to him. She was always afraid if she really told him how she felt that he would cut her out completely leaving her and her mother destitute. After all, the only thing he really offered her as a father was minimal financial support. I will give him this much (after hours of explanation based on my own experience with broken family) He did have a moment where he understood that it was important for her to be heard, that he needed to listen to how she felt. I was very proud of her when she built up the courage to do it.

    There was little change with him where the games continued but at least she was able to stand up and express herself without fear of abandonment.

    Needless to say he was a controlling, manipulative, deceitful and abusive man. Did I mention he is now a politician? ha

    Thanks for sharing your insight on self care and love. After I left him I experienced so many traumatizing events and neglected to care for myself. It’s great to read about being the one who can ultimately pull yourself out of hurt when honoring ‘me’.

  16. By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 11th September

    Hi Everyone,

    I can relate to what you just said Kim; I think that my body stuff is the “final frontier” so to speak. I had a huge break through when I realized that I still blamed my body for some of the abuse and that I didn’t actually believe that I was responsible for my physical health or ill health. I have had many light bulb moments in relation to my body but some really big ones lately. When I realized that I was actually disconnected from my body, the way that I used to disconnect to myself, and that my body though of me as it’s abuser, well that was a shock and a catalyst for me to take a closer look at that part of my healing. I am learning to respect my body and realize that it is part of the whole picture of who I am now; that my body is part of me and it gets me where I want to go! I am learning how to connect with my body and to care for it in ways that I had not previously paid attention to and for much healthier reasons then I used to pay attention to my body in the past.

    Love the comments on this post,
    Hugs, Darlene

  17. By: Kim Vazquez Posted: 11th September

    Hi Carol, It sounds like you’ve got some health challenges to deal with and I totally understand that it’s easy to get frustrated when we don’t heal as fast as we’d like to. I hope you will consider thinking about yourself/your body with love. I hope you will consider speaking out loud to yourself with love and honor and the commitment to take good care of yourself. I’d love to hear back if you feel a shift. Some times the things that sound hokey are the things that actually help. 🙂

    Hi Maggie- thanks for the compliment. I agree! Reading it and doing it- very different! It took me quite a long time to integrate my body into my overall healing. For so long I focused only on the Mind and Spirit. When I was doing well in those areas I decided to finally take a look at my body stuff. I have clients that I work with in healing and always when we get down to loving the body, there’s more resistance. I have no idea why it’s the hardest for many of us.Thank you for sharing with us today. Peace & Love~

  18. By: Maggie Posted: 11th September

    Wonderfully written. Reading or hearing it is so different from doing it. When I counseled survivors of trauma, few had the capacity to listen to their body or open themselves to the woundedness inside. Yet I knew from experience and from my inner wisdom (whom I had found just a year prior to my own emotional demise) how essential it was. As soon as I realized I was multiple, I embraced all of my selves and allowed them to speak through me verbally or through the body.

    In my practice, those who were able to do that healed so much more quickly. Perhaps we all get to that place eventually of honoring the self. Am glad you came to that place and were able to act on it in such a positive way!

  19. By: carol Posted: 11th September

    wow kim,
    this sounds like me too. i still dont take proper care of my health and am struggling with the fact that i have serious lung problems that i have to keep on top of but tend to ignore till they really bad because sitting for 8 hrs in a hospital to be told thye carnt do anything more than i do unless my counsultant changes anything. lol. i get repeated chest infections due to asthma and another lung problems, yet i hate when i can do what i usually do or go as far as i think i should, but i have been gettin on the sofa for a sleep in the afternoons if i need to, and am trying to eat on a more regular basis, already switch to decaf aftr 5pm. so i am tryin but it gets tedious to have to keep forcing yourself to do something that should come naturally

  20. By: Kim Vazquez Posted: 11th September

    Hi Jimmy,

    Wow, can I relate to what you’ve shared especially the “I lived so far in my head no one could connect with me.” I’m so glad to hear that you have a better life and you’re not pushing yourself to work too hard anymore. It’s amazing how much our life changes overall when we change that. Quality of life! That’s where it’s at these days. My favorite stories are about people having better lives. Thanks for reading and thanks for sharing. Peace & Love~ Kim

  21. By: jimmy b Posted: 11th September

    Great post Kim
    We are all a work in progress. It is a great thing you can listen to your body and treat it in the right way now. Back in the time I lived on coffee, nerves, adrenalin, sleep deprevation, binge eating and I vibrated all the time. I took out my moods on the ones I loved and I lived so far in my head no one could connect with me.
    I still struggle with the eating thing, but I am living a much better relational life. I no longer push myself to work too hard and I have more family time
    Thanks for the encouragement and I look forward to more posts

  22. By: Kim Vazquez Posted: 10th September

    Thank you Darlene! I feel the same way about your work. 🙂

  23. By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 10th September


    I keep reading this post and thinking about how similar our experience is and yet how differently that the pain manifested itself in your life compared to mine. That is why I love to have guest bloggers! Not all pain is manifested in the mind and body the same way just like all pathways out and on the road to healing are different. It is great to have new examples of both!

    My father also married a much younger woman then my mother, but I learned about being competition from my mother way before that. I think that I gave up competing for my father’s love by the time I was 12 but the pain of that rejection lived deep inside me and has been one of the last pains that I have looked at. I sought way different ways to achieve myself worth; I sought it mostly through other people instead of accomplishment.

    The cool thing is that is that I had such a similar outcome! I didn’t take care of myself, I didn’t care about myself, and I ended up sick too. I convinced myself that my body was not really a part of me and I was always mad at it, but for different reasons then you have expressed here. The differences are not the important part though when it comes to healing ~ the important part is realizing the need for healing. I am slowly learning to connect to my body again. I spent several years healing the mental health problems, without really considering that my body and physical health were a vital part of the whole picture.

    Thank you so much for sharing your story with the readers of emerging from broken and with me! I love your work; you are truly an inspiration!
    Hugs, Darlene

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