Standing up to Damaging Advice and Overcoming Trauma Directives

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emotional abuse
unhelpful directives

People always told me things like “deal with it” and “get over it” and “put it behind you” They always seemed so impatient with me and even exasperated that I was still “there” and not over it.

Has anyone ever given you instructions on HOW to “deal with it”? Have you been giving information about HOW to get over it, that didn’t include statements to which you have to keep asking “how do I do that”?

Just get over it  (HOW?)  Just put it behind you. (HOW?) ~ “give it to God”. (HOW?) To which the answer was “Have faith” (HOW?) well you get the picture.

I was told to accept things with statements like “nothing happens by mistake” And while I totally love that expression when I was in the right place at just the right time and suddenly met the person who was going to change my life, what about when someone uses that expression “nothing happens by mistake” when you are trying to comprehend the leftover emotions from child abuse? That expression becomes a way to try to make you grateful for having been abused!

What about people who tell me that I would not be the person that I am today if I had not been abused; that the abuse made me a stronger person. (again that I should be grateful that I was abused) But the truth is that I will never know how I would have turned out. I don’t know how strong I would have been if I had never been abused.  Perhaps my brilliant mind would have been capable of finding the cure for cancer or creating brilliant best selling thrillers instead of writing about overcoming depressions and child abuse. I will never know what my gifts could have been used for and although I love what I do, I will never be grateful for the abuse just because it enables me to make a difference in the world now.

Perhaps even God has a different idea about this whole thing. I wonder if He would suggest any of those lame and unhelpful directives.

What if dealing with it is embracing the justifiable anger and rage for the damage that was done against you and for the time that you lost out of your life because of it. What if dealing with it is acknowledging to yourself that it was not fair, not right and a rotten horrible and usually illegal CRIME that was forced onto you? (and remember that emotional abuse and neglect are crimes too) What if dealing with it is feeling all the feelings that you were never given permission to feel when the damage was done?

What if dealing with it IS talking about it? What if dealing with it means talking about every little detail as many times as you needed to state them, for as long as it takes until you understand and realize that you didn’t deserve the treatment that you got. What if dealing with it means you talk about until someone else agrees with you, that you were unjustly treated, without telling you to “get over it” or “put it behind you?” and thereby validated your pain by not trying to get you to ignore it because the “truth is” that it makes them uncomfortable.

What if you were not told to “get over it”?

What if dealing with it meant confronting the person who did it to you or confronting the person who ignored what happened to you if that was what you needed to do in order to get over it?

The real message out there in the world is “don’t deal with it.” The real message is sweep it under the carpet where it will fester and grow bigger and bigger and manifest itself as depression and mental illness, dissociated identity, multiple personality, bi polar disorder, borderline personality disorder, post traumatic stress disorder and yes, even narcissistic personality disorder. 

“Put it behind you” is the same as saying “don’t deal with it”. Stop talking about it means “don’t deal with it. Get over it really means “don’t deal with it” Anger is a sin means “don’t deal with it” Don’t think about it, don’t acknowledge what happened to you…although they don’t realize that what they are saying is actually “don’t deal with it and let it slowly kill you.  Let it take whatever ever small part of you that is still left”.

Not dealing with it was like denying that it was ever a problem.  And the truth can only set you free if you face it.

You will never find any of those recommendations written by me in this website.  It was dealing with this stuff, facing all of it and talking about all of it until I finally believed that I was not the problem that cleared the fog and opened the doors of my prison. It was in talking about it enough that I finally realized that I did not cause any of it to happen to me, that I finally overcame it and took my life back. It was by looking at it long enough to realize what I had come to believe about myself because of what happened to me, that I was able to overturn all those false messages that I had accepted as truth.

I think we have been living under the false definition of the phrase “deal with it”

So here in Emerging from Broken I say “deal with it” in every way that you can! Your LIFE depends on it!

Freedom is on the other side of broken;

Darlene Ouimet

The Emerging from Broken book is ready for download! If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, get this book today! This 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to healing.  Get yours here through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

 

154 response to "Standing up to Damaging Advice and Overcoming Trauma Directives"

  1. By: Victoria Posted: 28th November

    Hi Barbara,

    I agree wholeheartedly that no one has a “reason” to abuse anyone, ever. I’m afraid I was being a little facetious when I left my last comment and I’m terribly sorry if I offended anyone. I was simply disconcerted with how Dave’s friends responded to him! I had hoped that the taboo around abuse had eased in recent years, but Dave’s posting reminded me that some people still stigmatize and revictimize!

    Victoria

  2. By: J. D. Burrows Posted: 28th November

    Denial – how often do therapists tell us we are in denial? Yet, that’s often the advice you do get from others. Frankly, the more I talk about my abuse, the more I realize that it really is a “taboo” and embarrassing subject to others. They don’t want to think about it or face it as a real problem in today’s society. Nor do they really understand the effects it has upon us as women or men.

    It’s really important that we don’t deny or sweep under the rug what happened to us as children. If we do, we’ll never recognize in our lives the influence it has upon our actions, choices, feelings, and emotional health. You can’t overcome by ignoring the problem.

    Great article. Thanks for sharing.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 28th November

      Hi J.D.
      Welcome to EFB
      I suspect that ‘they’, these people telling us not to talk about it, or to get over it, actually do know it is a real problem. The problem is that they are too afraid to face it themselves. They squish the voices of other people out of fear of having to relate if they listen. They are telling people to ‘do what they did’… which of course didn’t actually work. Even many therapists will tell people that they need to forget the past and deal with the present day. (which is useless if the root of the problem started because of abuse in the past!)
      You are so right; nothing will ever be overcome by ignoring the actual problem!
      Thanks for sharing
      Hugs, Darlene

  3. By: Barbara Posted: 28th November

    Victoria – it pains me to see you say your mom was abuse so you were abused and “that’s the reason.”

    My Narcissist Mother abused me. I have never knowingly abused anyone. So there’s the anti-reason. Abusive parents (narc or whatever) know they are abusing and hurting you. The EXCUSE that their parents abused them? is garbage.
    http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/2006/09/abuse-excuse.html

    You are better than that. We all are. And each and every one of us deserved better.

  4. By: Barbara Posted: 28th November

    One of your best yet, Darlene. Could I have permission to post this on my blog? WITH attribution and link, of course!

  5. By: Victoria Posted: 26th November

    Dear Dave,

    LIke you, I have wondered what my life could have been had I not been abused and I too have foregone having children. I believe things do happen for a reason–I was abused because my own mother was damaged–there’s the reason. It’s never right when a child is abused. And, I highly doubt that it’s all part of “God’s Plan”. Our experiences change us for better or worse. Sometimes things happen for the wrong reason.

    I’m so sorry that your “friends” did not understand what you’ve been through. There are people who are either unable or incapable of understanding the “journey” we have travelled.

    I wish you all the very best!

    Victoria

  6. By: Julie Posted: 25th November

    I am currently waiting for my husband, out of love and respect for me, to contact my mother’s husband to explain to him why I can no longer talk to my mother. I have had enough of put downs and using my grown children to control me. They ( my children, ages 31 and 41 by the way) are responsible for themselves and I will no longer answer to my mother as to why I do not rescue them or contribute to their depraved life styles.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 26th November

      Hi Julie
      Welcome to emerging from broken
      Thannks for your comments. I understand the position you are in. There are lots of discussions here about this subject!
      Hugs, Darlene

  7. By: Dave Posted: 12th September

    I made the mistake of sharing my struggles in an email to some “friends” – one of them compared me being abused as a child to her choosing unhealthy relationships with men as an adult. She said i just need to learn to “let it go” and forgive and move on…she pretty much disagrees with your blog…i thought she was a good friend whom i could trust but now i know that i cant trust her and i cant share anything with her anymore…i lost another “friend” – hardly anyone even responded to my email, which had some details about all of the abuse i suffered as a child. Pretty much tells me that i dont need those people in my life anymore…i have to learn to choose differently as far as friends go. As i was laying awake last night i was thinking i wonder what my life would have been like had i not been abused. I wonder what kind of life i would have had. I wonder if i would have been able to have kids and what type of father i would have been. I wonder if i would have been a grandfather….i wonder what God will say when i die and if he will show me what my life would have been like had i not been abused. I refuse to believe that this was “God’s plan” for my life…what kind of God wants people to be abused so they can “learn from it”..i hope one day i will know all that i missed out on and what could have been. I am still grieving a lot over a ruined childhood and basically having a family that did nothing but abuse and neglect me. I want a “do over” -i want another chance to be a child in a good home with good parents…i know that obviously will never happen but its still what i want.

    Dave

  8. By: Jordon Posted: 22nd July

    I am so lucky, I have four very good friends who know me from different points in my life who are all very support and always there for me. They are willing to listen to me go over and over the same thing time and time again.

    But I feel bad about dumping all my emotional rubbish on them, I always thank them but I don’t feel it’s enough. They listen to the same story over and over again. I am bored with the same old same old so how must they feel.

    I hear what they say and I know they are right. I know they only have my best interests at heart and two of the friends have witnessed several of my Mother’s ‘performances’.

    But only now I am really hearing what they are saying inside me. Yesterday I woke up and really felt that the key was in my hand to opening up my life without the burden of my mother’s demands.

    I know it’s not going to be easy but I am about to write an email letting my mother know that I am no longer going to take the blame, that I am an invidual and in order to maintain a relationship need to be treated with honesty and respect.

    I don’t know where to start but I know what I want to say and feel lighter inside my stomach just having made the decision to do it.

    This website is amazing, it is so helpful, it feels like a hug with words. Thank you

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 22nd July

      Hi Worth-Waiting-For
      Yes exactly! It was so exhausting to jump through all those hoops and at the same time pretend that nothing in my life was wrong. I spent just as much energy trying to convince myself that everything was normal!
      I am having a great day thanks!
      Hugs, Darlene

      Hi Jordon
      This is huge~ that you are ready to say enough and to no longer take the blame and that you need to be treated with honesty and respect! YAY!
      Good for you, keep us posted!
      Hugs, Darlene

  9. By: Worth-Waiting-For Posted: 23rd May

    WELL SAID, Darlene! The only way through it…is…well, THROUGH IT!!! Otherwise, we just become storage units for unprocessed emotions. The more negative emotions we have stored away, the less we can feel joy in our lives because we become so exhausted from carrying around the extra weight of our emotional baggage! Makes me think of going on a sightseeing trip that is overly packed with activities – you end up going through the motions of the trip without taking in anything! Anyway, thank you for providing such great insight into these matters. Hope you’re having a nice day!

  10. By: Risé Posted: 25th March

    and yeah … this is not something one can just ‘get over’ … I got this said to me too, “Just get over it!” … and when they say this, they have no idea the pain endured – they don’t even want to find out why we can’t get over it … for them to ask and be told the truth means that they have to do something about it now … but to ‘keep peace’ (which is a false peace) … they will continue to feed the narcissistic needs of the abuser. (MY mother would be classed as someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.)

    My heart is with you, Heather … I know exactly what you’re going through.

  11. By: Risé Posted: 25th March

    Heather ~ being tagged ‘the crazy lady’ always seems to come with it. I too had an abusive mother. It got so bad that she hasn’t been in my life now for 12 years. And for the last year and a half – my father and siblings are no longer in my life now either. When you have one person’s say against another, there is division and a sense of betrayal. The sister I was closest to is the one I felt most betrayed by when she was more concerned about my mother (who is a habitual liar and conniver) – I flipped out.

    Like you, my siblings never stuck up for me either. I was never defended when she’d humiliate and degrade me in front of people. And when she and I were alone together it was WORSE. Clever abuser – treat your daughter like sh*t and get away with it because she’s conned them all into thinking that she is the one who is the victim!! They are insidious!!!

    It’s a journey – and it can be confusing. I hope you find a lot of help here – Emerging From Broken was KEY in my journey to healing!! Big hugs to you, girl. I know your pain and frustration … and I know the betrayal.

    I have learned to let it go. One thing I learned in this journey is that you cannot make someone love you … and this truth also translates to the fact that you cannot make someone believe you. I know the truth. YOU know the truth – and its this truth that will lead you to the freedom from all the lies.

    {hugs} ~ Risé

  12. By: heather Posted: 25th March

    Mimi…tysm for your kind response. I am a person who treats others as I would like to be treated and I am a big believer in karma as well. MY ex was a alchoholic and a drug user. He was using cocaine and i never knew it…but now it seems i WAS the only one that didnt know. Of course he went to rehab and became CURED in 17 days. LOL…i laugh because the following year was the most abusive year i spent with him. But of course that could be expected because as he put it…his recovery had nothing to do with me. The day he said those words to me…2 wks out of rehab…the hair on the back of my neck stood up and i knew i had to get out. It took me almost a year and a literal act of God to get me and my 6 kids into a home not controlled by him or his family.
    You must understand my sister has always felt she could do whatever she wanted. But during the year following me leaving my ex she did 3 things that completely crossed a line. The first was finding and talking to my REAL father who i had repeatedly told her i was not interested in finding,threatening to throw away my belongings i had at my fathers house while i was trying to get moved out of the house that i lived with my ex in, and then the inviting my ex with the kids to her house over last summer. IT was these 3 things right after another while i was going through the seperation and a custody battle. I FINALLY said enough is enough…i am done with her…i will not speak to her.
    My children are my heart and soul. And all through this process I have encouraged and fostered their love of their father AND ALL OF THEIR RELATIVES that i personally would spit in their faces if given half the chance…because they all knew what he was doing and ignored it. But my kids love these people and i understand that. But once again my sister invited my ex and the kids to her place this summer and my ex now has the kids asking me if I would go. They want me to go and i know that. But I can not possibly put myself in that setting even for my children. So here once again i am the bad person. And i hate my ex and my sister for putting me in a position like this. My children to him are ages 10,9,5,and 4. How do i make them understand WHY without bad mouthing those 2. That is what has me so messed up. The kids saw their dad do things to me…so they know some of the story. And yes…i now they will grow up someday and see things as a adult does…but right now it just breaks my heart knowing that they are being told the things they are by my ex and sister and unless i stoop to their level i can’t defend my actions.
    thank you again for the words of encouragement…heather

  13. By: Mimi Posted: 25th March

    Heather,
    I once left an abuser and although we didn’t have kids, he seemed to come out smelling like a rose. Two days after I left, I saw him at the cable company when I went to shut off the service that was in my name. He was there with one of the “other” women. I left him to go back and live with my mom. I felt horrible that I didn’t have a place to go, and had enough debt that I couldn’t support myself, so I had no choice but to move to my mom’s. (she treated me like a dog too). The man I left went on with a good job, his new girlfriend, (which he’d had for who knows how long) and his life seemed wonderful. She and her husband were supplying his drug habit, and she left her husband and kids to be with him. They got married and I sat for a few years wondering why he got to come out smelling like a rose. I was single for a long time, working my butt off in school and at work. No free time or social life. It just seemed unfair.

    I saw him at a visitation about 9 months ago. His wife had gained, I’d say 100 pounds, he had put on a little weight as well. He lost his job about 3 years after I left. He’s now on disability because he had a heart attack (which incidentally is NOT why he lost his job). He’s under 50 years old. Life doesn’t look so shiny for him now.

    My only point is, even if your ex has come out smelling like a rose after all his abuse, that doesn’t mean it will always be this way. I just had to sit back and wait and it took years before he had the bad luck he deserved. Your sister is wrong for what she’s doing. Who knows what her motivation is, but, it’s wrong. If they are bad mouthing you to the kids, remember, they will be grown someday and will form their own opinions. No matter what is said about you, they will one day be able to agree or disagree based on your character. Keep doing the right thing with your kids, and I believe you will reap rewards from that, even if you can’t see it now. It’s so tough to sit and wait and feel like your character is being assassinated. Your sister might need you one day too.

    There is no time limit on the time it takes to get over something. If anyone says you’re taking too long, it’s because they aren’t in your shoes. Let that crap go. It’s none of their business how long your grieving process lasts anyway.

    Things won’t always be this way. Sometimes it just takes time for your rewards to come to fruition, and for “his” day of trials. I believe you’ll see it in time.

    Blessings sent for your lonely, hurting heart.
    Mimi

  14. By: heather Posted: 24th March

    i found this sight by a post on face book. of all the sections this one stands out most. I grew up with a very abusive mother and then found myself… married to my mother… 4 children and almost 12 years later i finally found the courage to leave. yea me right. i wish i could agree. I sit here tonight lonlier then i have ever been in my life and it has been over a year since i left.
    I, too, hear get over it or the one i love the most is what my sister said to me when i questioned ‘why she ivited my abusive ex with the kids to her house during the summer instead of me. I was told that she is happy to see that HE IS ABLE TO PUT THE PAST BEHIND HIM FOR THE SAKE OF THE KIDS…UNLIKE ME’ This is the same sister that when i asked why she never defended me when he bad mouthed me to her and my other family members she told me the day i left she would never speak to him again. and yet when i had kids for 75 percent of last summer she invited him.
    I no longer speak to her. The sense of betrayal i feel makes me physically ill everytime i think of it.
    I understand i need to let go of the past but how do i do that when these 2 insist on minimizing what he did to me and then make me look like the bad one too my children. Sure…he can let it go because HE was the abuser. I live in a small town that thinks HE walks on water and can do nooooo wrong. To this day I am treated like the bad person from these people which is why i hide in my home….lol.
    Am I wrong…how do i just get over it…. when it won’t quit. I dont want my kids thinking and believing i am the bad person. I really am at a loss.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 25th March

      Hi Heather
      Welcome to Emerging from Broken
      There is no way to “just get over it”. It was through validating that I was right about the abuse, and that what anyone else said did not define the truth that I began to pick up the fragments of my life and put myself back together. I had to decide that the threats of family members were wrong. That they don’t get to run my life. But feeling good about that came from me validating me in all the places that I had been invalidated all my life. My kids eventually saw the truth about the abusive relatives on both sides of the family. Not because I “told them” but because I worked hard on self care and self love and they saw a difference in the way I was compared to the way I used to be. The more they saw my health, the more they were attracted to the way that I was “doing life”. Getting over all that stuff is a process that starts with really really knowing that you are not the problem and that the abuse was not your fault, and for me I had to accept that all those other people can choose to judge however they want, but that does not change the truth about what really went on.
      I hope that helps a bit. There is lots of info in this site about this whole thing. I hope you find some comfort here.
      Hugs, Darlene

  15. By: Mimi Posted: 20th February

    Victoria,
    I’ve heard those same words. It was one of my mother’s favorite things to say. There was always a sneaky little message in there that I was weak. I hated hearing it too. The “how”?? Truly it was EFB that taught me. I don’t mean I’m cured, but I do mean this place has been an invaluable tool and Darlene and a few others helped me to figure out the “hows” for myself.
    With hope,
    Mimi

  16. By: Victoria Posted: 20th February

    I’ve been told to “Pull up my socks and get on with living”. HOW?

    This website is really helping me to understand a lot of things, to look deeper and not accept cliches or platitudes.

    Thank you!!

  17. By: SMD Posted: 9th February

    Thanks Darlene..It’s a relief to have someone agree with me. It’s more important for me to focus on healing,that is where the hard work is, not trying to convince them!….Sincerely, SMD

  18. By: SMD Posted: 9th February

    Wow Darlene! This post rings truth for me when you said, the message is to “Sweep it under the Rug” where it will “fester” into depression. Well, my family gives me this message when I speak the truth. They say things like, “You’re still bringing it up, so your not over it” & “why are you dwelling on this now?” My dad actually said, “you let it fester”. Well, of course the mistreatment/abuse will fester, if it is not acknowledged or talked about!…
    They do not want to talk about it or deal with it!…Yes, i do have depression & now I know where my feelings of sadness & anger come from! I deal by talking about the damage but it is beating a dead horse to talk to the family Bullies about it!…they see no purpose in it and deny the problems anyway. I find a safe place to “DEAL WITH IT” is in Therapy. My brother & sister buy into the sweep it under the rug belief and they see if there are any hard feelings, that it’s holding a grudge!
    Well, I have one liners now, in response to their snide/rude comments. I’ll say that is far from the truth or i don’t believe that….Anyway,there has been WRONG/HARMFUL behavior,that the Bullies don’t believe is their fault, in their eyes- it is so backwards & makes me sick!…A healthy way to deal with it is acknowledge the mistakes, apologize & do better!…that’s what i try to Live by….Sincerely, SMD

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 9th February

      Hi SMD
      Yes… it was really important for me to stop trying to convince them that it wasn’t ME.
      Hugs, Darlene

  19. By: bapesaurus Posted: 16th January

    hi ladies,

    I couldn’t agree more about the whole ‘grateful’ thing. It makes it up there on my favourite top 10 most deluded statements ever. I’ve heard some women talk about how they’ve managed to be thankful for their experience. I suppose there is a point where a person has overcome so much that they manage to integrate their experience into a higher form of self-awareness….based on bad past experience. However, I think anyone who had ever really done that would never make as dangerous a statement as ‘YOU should be grateful’. The only time I make the statement ‘you should be’ to anyone is to tell my son for the umpteenth time put his shoes on ‘you should be putting your shoes on now’. Telling someone in that manner has no place in adult-adult relationships. For me its a sign of someone trying to dominate or control me.

    As for what God things, the God I know would never want us to accept and forget what happened. She’d want us to talk about it, to heal, and to protect others. Just because God gives us the tools to heal doesn’t mean She was okay with what went down.

    Anyway, not saying your interpretation of the statement is wrong, just as much as I believe there are no mistakes, I equally don’t believe in the concept of right and wrong. There are just choices and consequences. Shame on those who taught us limited choices so they could have the best outcomes! Thanks for letting me share 🙂

  20. By: J Posted: 13th January

    Hi guys,

    Darlene,
    the way you describe is what I was used to re “no mistakes” and I totally agree that it’s a crock of s**t. (As I was typing that, I remembered however that that’s often how I’ve tried to think about my depression in the past. I guess it’s a slim hope of trying to make something good out of s**t. A strange new form of alchemy, perhaps?!?) 🙂

    Bape,
    I haven’t thought of that statement in the way you describe it, but I really like it too! It’s so weird how the exact same words can convey such completely opposite/conflicting meanings hey!

    I also REALLY love what you said about “quality of life” — so true! I’m currently in the “low-functioning” sphere of mental illness (ie no job, messy as hell, stopped caring about most “normal” everyday things) but still with the handful of friends I still see, always tend to just slip straight into the good ol’ “happy mask” most of the time. But then I remember that my parents certainly laid the tracks so to speak for the whole “smily face everything’s perfect” dupe for the outside world (and sometimes I think even for themselves, for that matter).

    J

  21. By: bapesaurus Posted: 12th January

    I’ve just seen this post – how fabulous! I have to say that comments like these have driven me to silence. A place where healing is so unlikely. I see the looks and hear the *sighs* if I mention anything. Or, from the more-supportive-but-less-than-helpful crowd ‘really? Still? But you seem so….normal! Your house is spotless and you’re so productive at work!!’ It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you’re running from flashbacks and don’t sleep. Quality of life seems to be a whole separate, irrelevant issue.

    Also related – a quick comment on your disliking the statement that ‘nothing happens by mistake’. That statement has actually helped my healing process. It all comes down to locus of control – whose responsibility is it? My abuse was no mistake. No, that doesn’t mean it should appreciate it. It means that it was done on purpose. I was not neglected by mistake. My Mother made choices everyday that lead to that outcome. I was not assaulted by a doctor by mistake. It was because of arrogance and a feeling of superiority. There are no mistakes. I have been the victim of the many bad choices of other people. While these terrible things were not mistakes, they certainly were not mine.

    Cheers, Bape

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 13th January

      Hi Bapesaurus
      OH my goodness! I had forgotten about those types of comments! (but you seem so “normal”…) Like what does any of THAT have to do with overcoming trauma!!!! Those kinds of comments really reveal the belief system of the people saying those things!
      I love your explanation about nothing happens by mistake! I have never heard it explained from that angle before. That is excellent!!! In the future I will remember it.
      ***I have written about this statement in the past from the focus of people who are “grateful for their abuse” saying that they are glad that it happened so that they could help others. That “god” let this happen to them so they would “be stronger”. That was the side of that saying “nothing happens by mistake” that I was referring to.
      Thank you for adding your comment about it; I will absolutely keep that in mind the next time I speak about that statement and present it both ways!
      Thanks for sharing, Hugs, Darlene

  22. By: J Posted: 14th December

    Terri,

    I love that bit about surgery “Did you get it all?” Such a good way to look at things!

    Thanks for sharing!

  23. By: Terri Posted: 13th December

    Something that really helped me with the “just get over it”, or “deal with it” foolish comments is I heard a man speaking on the internet about how for your whole life you have learned how to survive by “not dealing with it”. Most of the time, someone is just looking at it for the very first time in all their life. That person has been practicing being the way they are for 30+ years. If it took 30+ years to be who you are today in an unhealthy way, if it takes less than half that time (and in most cases even less than that) to learn new truth and tools that are healthy is actually amazing proof of the resiliency of the human spirit to heal. He even makes a point that if someone has cancer and has surgery, the first question the patient asks the surgeon isn’t how fast was the surgery but did you get it all. Did everything get done that needed to get done? So the focus shouldn’t be on how fast the healing but did the healing go down all the way it needed to go.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 14th December

      Hi Terri
      Welcome to Emerging from Broken!
      Thank you for sharing this! Brilliant story and very true analogy as well! I love it!
      Hugs, Darlene

  24. By: Faith Posted: 9th December

    I’m so thankful that I found this website! Now I will be able to accept myself and move forward. The article states correctly how we, as a society as a whole, are taught to sweep things under the carpet. When I spoke up about something thru the Veterans’ healthcare system, it was told to other staff members then onto some other veterans, so that my healthcare concerns, fears, etc. were made public to several people who didn’t have any direct contact with my care, etc. I feel like I have been made to live in a nightmare. My current Social Worker compares me to my ex-significant other, thereby not stating good things about what I have been doing that are healthy; but focusing on the negative, label that someone decided to pin on me. It gets depressing to go and see her. If I make a complaint, it will fall back on me.

    I’m still on the road to recovery; but reading the articles here are helping me see that I am not the only one who has been told to keep quiet even by professionals.

    Please continue to keep writing and teaching people what you learned can make a difference in peoples’ lives.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 9th December

      Hi Faith,
      Thanks for sharing. This is such a difficult situation and my heart goes out to you. I am glad that you realize what is going on here and what actually happened. (I hear this story all too often from people who believe that the professionals they are seeing, are right!)
      Keep reading, I am so happy to have your input here!
      Hugs, Darlene

  25. By: J Posted: 7th December

    Seconded again Mimi!
    🙂

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 8th December

      Last week I was inspired by the comments on several recent posts, particularly the comments on this one, to write this new blog post that I just published and wanted the commenters to know about it

      You can read it here ~ It is called “Emotional Healing does not depend on………” Looking forward to the conversation about this concept. (it is one of the biggest stick points I encounter when talking to others.)

      Hugs, Darlene

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