Solutions and Recovery from Depression and Trauma

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darlene ouimet ~ emerging from broken

Depression was like a thick heavy blanket that sometimes felt like a cozy warm nest and I felt so safe there that I was afraid to let it go, even though the weight of the blanket was killing me; Just one more day I would say.. “just one more day in this dark cocoon and tomorrow I will start to live, but for just one more day, it feels safer to hide.”  (Darlene Ouimet)

That was all about the illusion of safe. I did not overcome depression by dealing with the depression itself because depression did not stand alone in my life. Facing the depression isn’t exactly what led me out of the darkness; it was realizing where the depression came from and why it had become one of my coping methods that led me to overcoming it. Just like my dissociative identity disorder, for me depression started when I was very young. I realize today that all coping methods have a common reason for existing. There is something “back there” that isn’t resolved. We have all these coping methods because the mind is such an amazing and powerful thing. They are literally the way we deal, how we cope and how we survive.

There was a comment on my post “Mother Daughter Relationship Nightmares” that got me thinking about how all my coping methods and my recovery discoveries work together and how I came to this place in my life.  The following question was posted by Mark Alan Effinger; Mark asked “Is there a direct path through this &^%$ to a better place? Or is it so individual, that no formulaic method will do?” Although Mark is referring to the serious and graphic comments about sexual abuse, I have come to realize that the answer is the same for this question as it is for all questions about emotional healing and recovery.

To recap, I sought help from a therapist when I was heading into my third serious depression in five years, the previous two serious depressions lasted two years each, so I hadn’t had much of a break off the medication this time. I was going to leave my husband and three young children, believing that they would be better off without me. I got frustrated when the therapist wanted to talk about my childhood.  I didn’t want to talk about the past, I was having trouble NOW. I needed help for my life in the present, not for my life in the past. I really didn’t see any connection from the past to the present. But he was insistent and I was losing money arguing with him, so I gave in. We talked about the past. In fact we started with my first trauma memory.

I began to see how my depressions were very much related to my childhood trauma and that depression wound its way through my entire life and intertwined with other coping methods, addictions, dissociative identity disorder, and that in reality all of these coping methods were an amazing survival system that I had built, and I started building it when I was very young. But now, it had turned on me. Because I began to see the patterns, I became willing to keep digging up that rotten foundation. The whole key for me was uncovering and discovering how my belief system about myself and the world, had formed. As I replaced the lies with the truth, the coping methods fell away; because I didn’t need them anymore.

The process isn’t simple and it isn’t a quick fix. The good news is that for me it wasn’t a band-aid either and the resulting freedom from all that hell on earth has been permanent. I have the occasional down day, but they are rare. I don’t dissociate anymore, I no longer have multiple personalities, and I don’t fall into the depths of darkness; depression is no longer something I worry about.

When I began speaking in metal health seminars, and working at the director of client relations in a counseling firm, I realized others were also having the same astounding results as I was having ~ finding the way out of the darkness and into the light; finding freedom from depression, freedom from addictions, gaining a new understanding of coping methods; where they came from and why we needed them and how it was possible to uncover the mystery of how to ditch them.

In writing this blog, Emerging from Broken, I am attempting to deliver a message of hope; step by step, mixed in with story by story and tiny little snapshots of how I uncovered the layers of lies on top of other lies, all which built my belief system which falsely defined who I was, my purpose or lack of it, my value and lack of it. I write snapshots of how I found the truth about why I believed all that stuff about myself. Not knowing that I didn’t know the truth about myself prior to my recovery, I wasn’t searching for it. I was searching for freedom and recovery from broken, but not in the right places. How is one to know where to look?  So I am sharing where and how I found it.

So to answer Mark’s question; I think there is a formulaic method that works for everyone. The trauma events (or mistreatment) and the belief system belong to the individual, but the way out, the pathway to freedom and wholeness is not so unique.

If this method worked for me, and for others, then why can’t it work for everyone? Who can say that it won’t work? Who can say that there is too much damage? Who really knows that?  I believe that this is the way and so I write to inspire others.

As always, please feel free to express yourself in any way that you would like by adding your comments;

One Snapshot at a time ~ Darlene Ouimet

48 response to "Solutions and Recovery from Depression and Trauma"

  1. By: SMD Posted: 5th April 2012

    Hi Christy,

    First of all, Thanks for sharing your traumatic experiences with your Aunt & Mom!…I’m so furious reading about what your Aunt did to you. Your aunt & mother are SICK & EVIL people!… No doubt, that your mom should have called the police on her sister! Your Aunt should have been held Legally Liable for Child Abuse!…No amount of FALSE LOYALTY towards her sister, should have prevented her from PROTECTING her OWN CHILD! No Excuse for Abuse period!….Also, Your mom PROJECTED all Her SIN on you, by casting out those so-called Demons from you. Of course, you would feel Abandoned & Betrayed by her through out your life.

    I can relate to having Depression and feeling unable to function with every day activities. The mistreatment I endured from my Mom & Family is at the root of my Mental Health Problems!…I’m in the process of applying for Mental Health Disability through Social Security, because it has interfered with my functioning at work, in the last few years. The pain has finally gotten to the point, that I have to face the damage. It’s overwhelming some days, but I’m doing it step by step and day by day. This site is really helpful by providing the support I’ve been needing for so long! I’m doing the work and don’t look to my mother to meet my needs anymore. I’m being my own parent. My own mom has emotionally abandoned & betrayed me too, which I’ve written about in other posts through out the site. Thanks for Sharing your Story!…Your so Brave to face the Ugly Truth. Wish you much Peace & Health!
    Sincerely, Sonia (SMD)

  2. By: Mark Alan Effinger Posted: 5th April 2012

    Christy – first, very brave of you to share your heart like this. Love it! It’s a real stepping stone to healing. Even if for the moment, it feels more like a cry for help.

    Second: Your reaction is real – and normal when you’ve been on painkillers.

    An insight: The mother of my children took her own life after a decade on painkillers. She started following the birth of our last child. Adding alcohol and eventually methadone to the mix created the perfect storm.

    So here are a couple suggestions that may be helpful. If I had more time today, I’d extend this post. – but please know that I intimately feel your pain.

    I won’t get into the biochemical and neurological things the painkillers do to you. But the short story is:
    1) Painkillers trap dopamine (the feel-good hormone) between the neurons. This is good for a short while. The problem is, over time, your body senses the dopamine levels and reduces your dopamine production.

    So over time, you produce less dopamine. Meaning when you’re not on the painkillers, you don’t have enough dopamine cycling in your system to feel happy. It’s an ugly cycle, as you end up taking more and more painkiller to try to recover the feeling. But since there is less and less dopamine (and consequently, often seratonin as well) the pills don’t help.

    That’s how Tish died: she could no longer feel good. So she just took as much as her body could stand.

    OK, so back to solutions: how can we start improving your body’s own seratonin and dopamine levels, and give the body what it needs to help you feel better naturally.

    (And BTW: ALL doctors should be establishing this routine when they put a patient on painkillers of antidepressants – always).

    Remember: these were never meant to be taken for more than a short period of time.

    So a few things you can take to help (all available cheap online from places like Amazon.com and Swanson’s vitamins).

    Nighttime mix:
    – 5-HTP, Huperzine-A, Potassium Gluconate and, if necessary, two small dozes of Melatonin 20-30 minutes apart. Don’t do this every day. But you can do it for a week and see how it feels. Then cycle the Huperzine-A in and out every few days. Add California Poppyseed Extract every other day as well.

    Add sunflower lecithin capsules to it to restore choline levels and elasticity to skin and brain.

    There are dozens of other things you can try, but I assure you this is a safe and effective regimen.

    Sleeping well will really help.

    Which means you need to be sleepy. Which means you should get out and get exercise. Even short walks (set a timer and take 15 minutes. Just 15 minutes walking… that’s a great start).

    And vitamin D from sun on your skin and in your eyes. Very important. Also supplement with Vitamin D gel caps (lanolin). And take oils like Grapeseed Oil to help give the brain and body healthy oils to keep the cels clean and membranes flexible.

    Now – what can we do to make your days brighter? Here, follow me…

    Daytime Mix
    – Rhodiola Rosea – 1 capsule in the morning, one just after noon. NOW makes a great one. Affordable, too.
    – 7-Keto DHEA (Good-n-Natural brand). Will give you natural energy and also clear your head a bit. Great for weight loss as well.
    – I’m treading on thin ice here, but a cycle of DHEA (25mgs) and Pregnenolone (5-50mgs) can completely remove the funk within hours. I recommend a blood and saliva test first, to get your baseline readings. But from there, it can make a world of difference.

    Energy is critical. If you have energy, you can function. Then just doing helps to reduce the funk to a manageable level. Seeing some progress, even a little gives hope.

    Which is the last part of my response: How to develop hope. Because in the end, hope and passion are the fuel for a meaningful life. I can sincerely share that Tish (my former wife) would still be alive today if she had found a true passion, and had hope in something meaningful.

    So an exercise that pulled me from depression multiple times was simply this:
    1) Keep a journal. Write in it daily. Commet some time, as little as 5 minutes, to just pen the thoughts in your head, and get them on paper.

    I will regularly wake and spend the first 15-30 minutes just writing. It clears the head and provides some reflection.

    2) Take a page, and write down all the things that are “wrong” – from what’s broken in your life, to your fears, etc…

    My experience is, I had a hard time getting more than half a page of my “issues” before I realized that my life was actually pretty good. And at that point, I could smile, see a ray of hope, and follow that bright light into doing something productive.

    I’m not a doctor. But I do know how disempowering depression can be. I just want to let you know you’ll find amazing people here in Darlene’s world – and that there is a way out.

    Had I known what I know now, Tish would probably still be alive and thriving. She was smart, talented, gorgeous and a great Mom… painkillers were the killer.

    I hope that helps. If you need more specifics, let me know.

    Here’s to you rockin’ your life again.

    Grace & Peace,
    ME

  3. By: Christy Feddersen Posted: 5th April 2012

    I have so much work to do! =/ The thought of it makes me feel so completely overwhelmed right now. I guess I can just only do what I can do and that is to take things one step at a time…baby steps…small breaths. Little by little, I must uncover the truth and like you said, validate myself, because I AM worth it! I have such a strong faith and something in my heart of heart’s just tells me that eventually I will get there if I keep pushing forward!!!!

    ~Christy Feddersen~

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 5th April 2012

      Christy,
      I had that “feeling” in my heart too and that was what drove me to keep trying. I just kept trying and striving to go forward by seeing the roots of this stuff. And it all paid off! There is hope for everyone. We all deserve this freedom. You ARE worth it!
      Hugs, Darlene

  4. By: Christy Feddersen Posted: 5th April 2012

    In thinking back to one of my very first memories of childhood…I believe I know the very root of my continuing pain and issues. When I was 3yrs old, my mother’s sister, my aunt Kathy, very violently sexually molested me one night while she was babysitting me and my younger sister when my mother was working late. I will never forget that horrible night!

    My aunt Kathy was in her late teens or early 20’s I think, something my mother would later use as a reason to “excuse” her sister’s behavior and the pain she inflicted on me (her age). My aunt Kathy also got into a bicycle accident when she was little and was hit by a car and was diagnosed with mental problems because it damaged her brain I was told…and that would be another reason to “excuse” her sister’s behavior and make light of what horrible thing she had done to me.

    It was very late at night and my aunt and I were sitting on the couch watching the black and white t.v., but I remember distinctly that the picture was fuzzy on the t.v. screen and you could only ‘hear’ the t.v. and not see anything on the screen but lines and blur as if it weren’t on the right channel. I didn’t know why we were watching or “listening” to whatever that was, but I felt special because I was allowed to stay up later than my baby sister when it was way past my bed time. I now understand that it was either some pornographic show or the moans and sighs of two people who were being intimate or having sexual relations. That is what I was hearing from the t.v. at the time, but had no way of comprehending as a 3yr old child what that meant, nor did I know that it was inappropriate for me to be watching that sort of thing. Aunt Kathy was in charge, she was the boss, and mom was at work…so I just assumed that it was okay.

    The next thing I remember is my aunt picking me up and putting me in a sitting position on top of her while she was lying down on the couch. I didn’t think too much of that because we had watched t.v. or talked with me sitting on her like that many times before and she never hurt me until that night. She removed my underwear and then shoved her fingers hard into my vagina, and when I tried to get away because I did not understand why she was hurting me OR what was going on, she held me there with her other hand, forcing me to sit on her fingers that she had crammed far inside of my little body. I remember the pain of that night like it was yesterday! I was screaming and crying and begging her to stop hurting me, but she didn’t. She continued to molest me for what seemed like an eternity.

    When she finished, she realized that there was blood everywhere. It was running down my little legs and thighs, all the way to my feet. I was screaming in pain and though I was going to die because I had never seen so much blood before, and all I knew was that it felt like I was burning inside of my stomach and I felt like I was going to throw up. She snatched me up in a panic and ran with me to the kitchen sink where she sat me on the edge of the counter with my legs into the sink, and she turned on the faucet. I don’t remember anything she said, or if she even said anything at all. I just remember being so confused and not understanding what just happened to me.

    She grabbed the dish soap from near the sink, squirted a large amount onto her hand and onto the same fingers she had just crammed inside of my tiny body, and she put them inside of me again. I am assuming that she was making an attempt to “clean me” or “clean up the evidence”. I continued to scream in pain and the dishsoap burned like fire inside of me! She did not stop! She took several minutes, with me there crying out begging her to stop hurting me, and cleaned me up with that dish soap, and then redressed me, set me back onto the couch, and began pacing back and forth in the livingroom as if she were angry. I remember being so afraid that I didn’t know what to do. All I wanted was my mommy, but my mommy was not home…she was at work, so no one came to save me.

    Later when my mom did come home from work, I was still crying and still in pain, and I told my mother what happened. I remember my mother sort of yelling at her sister and saying, “Kathy! You know better than that! You are not supposed to do things like that to little kids!” and that is all I remember. No one called the police. No one arrested my aunt for what she had done to me. No one saved me. The very next night, my mother left me alone with my aunt Kathy while she worked the late shift again. I have no memory of whether or not my aunt ever sexually assaulted me again after that night.

    As the years went by, I thought about that day a lot. My mother did not want to talk to me about it. At family gatherings, my aunt Kathy was there and everyone acted like nothing ever happened. My aunt would even try to come and hug me or hold me, but I would run away from her in a panic, afraid of her and what she might do to me if she got her hands on me. Everyone just laughed, including my own mother and my aunt, saying I was being so silly and needed to be nice and give my aunt Kathy a hug. So, my mother, AFTER KNOWING WHAT HER SISTER HAD DONE TO HURT ME, made me hug my aunt Kathy, tell my aunt I loved her and sit on her lap in front of the rest of the family for “show” I suppose. I was horrified inside!

    When I started to hit my teenage years, this single memory haunted me on a daily basis and it began to disgust me how my mother could even speak to her sister after she had done such a horrible thing to her precious child! Whenever I would try to talk to her about MY FEELINGS, she would get angry and yell at me and say things like, “It was a long time ago! Why can’t you just get over it already?!” She would also, of course, continue to make excuses for my aunt, but I still resented my mother for continuing her relationship with my aunt as if nothing ever happened. I did not understand how she could do that. It felt like she was choosing her own sister who had done a horrible crime agianst her daughter over her OWN daughter…and basically she TRULY WAS!

    It has taken its toll on me, even today. My mother will nonchalauntly mention my aunt Kathy in conversation and talk about how they went shopping and went to eat lunch together as if NOTHING EVER HAPPENED. Even going so far as to laugh about things my aunt said or did, or just talk to me in general about my aunt and her life and what is going on with her. AS IF I CARE!!! SHE MOLESTED ME!!! It sometimes felt like my mother was doing that on purpose to try to make me relive that horrible night again over and over in my mind as if I hadn’t done that enough already!

    My pain was never recognized and it CERTAINLY was NOT dealt with. Instead, it was shoved under the rug, and I was expected to “just get over it” and forget about it, but as hard as I tried, I just couldn’t. The older I got, the angrier I got, and the more I hounded my mother about it. She would only lash back in a rage and start bringing up everything I was doing wrong at the time or try to shift the focus to something I had or was doing wrong instead of talking about the REAL problem. It always left me feeling like the abuse I suffered was my own fault, even though I knew in my heart it wasn’t. How could it be??? I WAS 3YRS OLD!! I DID NOT DESERVE THAT! NOT ONE BIT!

    Thinking back to that memory, that is the first time I felt like my mother turned her back on me and walked out of my life, leaving me to ‘fend for myself’ emotionally, and she really did shut herself off to me from that very night on it seemed. It continued to worsen over the years (my mother’s detachment and emotional abandonment) and has gotten to the point where I am today. Many awful things throughout my childhood I have suffered BECAUSE of DIRECT results of bad choices made by my mother, yet to this day…she absolutely REFUSES to even so much as say she is sorry for my pain. She will NOT accept the fact that she has ever done anything wrong…NOT EVER!

    I remember once when I was 14yrs old and my brother was first born, I was really bothered by the memory of my aunt and was having constant and I mean CONSTANT thoughts of it. Like, it was CONSUMING my life and I could not get it out of my head. I felt like I was going crazy! I began to have horrible nightmares and life became unbearable. It was not the first time I thought about suicide, but I was so upset that I just felt like I HAD to confront my mother again about this unresolved issue in my life or I just didn’t know WHAT I would do. It was so traumatic! I had to find a way to deal with it and I NEEDED MY MOTHER to help me do that. What was I thinking????

    Instead, what she did to me was just absolutely insane! I remember trying to explain to her my feelings and remember her getting angry and yelling at me telling me that she was so sick and tired of hearing it…the usual. I just could not let it go. I NEEDED to process it, but she would take no part in that! A couple of days passed after I made the attempt to confront her and express my feelings, and she came to me one night when I was sitting in my room. I was angry, full of rage inside, and my only outlet was writing so that is what I was doing. 14yrs old, listening to music and writing while sitting on my bed. She had a Bible in her hand and she leaned against the door frame and she had that “look” so I knew something very bad was about to happen because she looked MAD! I knew I had done something wrong, but I did not know what. I frantically tried to think of what on earth it might be in my head so I could brace myself for the abuse I knew was coming, whether verbal, physical or emotional. Nothing could have prepared for what was about to happen next!

    She starts ranting and raving accusing me of being a devil worshiper and calling me a demon. She says that she KNOWS I cut my infant brother’s eyelashes and that I was using the hairs to cast a spell on him because she KNEW I was practicing witch craft. I was in shock! I thought she’d gone mad! She MUST be making this up! It must be a joke! But it wasn’t. She was DEAD SERIOUS!!! I began to cry and plead with her, explaining myself, defending myself… telling her there was no way I would ever hurt my brother (which was very true because I loved him almost as if he were my own child) and I would NEVER harm him! She refused to believe me, and opened the Bible and began quoting scripture from it, yelling at me and screaming at me and trying to cast out demons from me “In the name of Jesus”. I was crying and begging her to stop. I didn’t understand. I had done nothing wrong. Then she took that Bible and began beating me over the head with it…over and over and over as she was yelling at the top of her lungs and casting demons out of me. I cannot remember how long this went on, but she eventually stopped, leaving me horrified and alone in my room as she slammed the door and said, “You disgust me! You make me sick! You are not MY daughter! I don’t know WHAT you are!” I do not know where anyone else in the house was. My sisters were 12 and 10 at the time. Mostly they just tried to avoid the wrath of my mother as much as possible, even though it was only ever directed towards me. I guess they ignored it out of fear that she would treat them that way. They didn’t want to be “the bad one”.

    I knew at that moment, that was how my mother viewed me…as some kind of ‘demon’…not as her daughter that she loved and was willing to protect and nurture. I was a monster and she made that very clear to me. To this day, she swears to God that never happened and actually calls ME a liar and says that I am making things up, but I know it was VERY real. She refuses to talk to me about any of this either and tells me that none of it was true, and then says, “Until you can act like MY daughter, I want nothing to do with you.” I realize now that is her way of controlling me…by making me hang on to that one thread of hope that she will ever love me the way I need and deserve. She threatens to rip that hope away by saying, “If you don’t shut up about things and stop talking, I will be gone for good this time.”

    The truth is that she’s never been there to begin with. I realized that over the last couple months and that is what started the whole confrontation with my mother that has lead up to me putting my foot down once and for all and not allowing her to continue to control me any longer. I did give her one last chance by asking for her help as I explained in my story on the other post, but of course she denied my cries for help as usual…and that was the final straw for me.

    So…I know where the root of my very deep seeded issues lie….it is just a matter of somehow processing them enough to pull myself out of this depression. I am not a demon or a horrible person. I am a worthy human being who deserves respect and love. This has been such a process for me for my whole life and even now at age 42 I am still tyring to overcome the horrible abuse and twisted lies that have been engrained into my mind. Undoing it all is exhausting, and I am so grateful for this safe haven in which I can express my pain and actually get positive and encouraging emotional support. Thanks to all of you for listening and reading.

    ~Christy Feddersen~

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 5th April 2012

      Christy
      I just got home and was reading the comments and I realized that I answered your second comment on this post and had missed the big one. My gosh I am sorry that this happened to you! SMD is right, all of this is sick including what you go on to tell about your mother.
      Glad you are here, and please be gentle with yourself; you have shared a lot this past few days.
      Hugs, Darlene

  5. By: Christy Feddersen Posted: 5th April 2012

    I recently shared a portion of my story about how “My Mother Doesn’t Love Me” on another post, but have been reading many other articles here on Emerging From Broken that have really helped me so much, as well. I came across this particular one this morning, and something hit me LIKE A TON OF BRICKS!!!

    For the last year, I have been feeling stuck in the deepest, darkest depression I think I have ever felt in my entire life! The second I looked at those slippers and read the part in the article about “how they aren’t working anymore” tears began to stream down my face. I replaced those slippers with my pain pills. It is the same for me. What once was a comfortable coping mechanism for me, is no longer working, and I am DESPERATE to find a way out of this depression!

    I have literaly locked myself away into one room of our home for the past 3 months and have let everything around me, including myself, completely go. I cannot seem to care about the house, the laundry, even brushing my hair unless I have to. I feel like I am going INSANE! I see the door, and I don’t understand why I just can’t walk out of it and venture out into the rest of the house and maybe start cleaning or SOMETHING, but it seriously pains me to even think about it. I only leave this room when I have to. To let the dogs outside, to use the restroom or take a shower (which has even become a chore lately), to pop something into the microwave to eat, or to make a glass of ice water. I rarely leave my home, except for when I absolutely have to. I DREAD having to go to the store and it exhausts me to the point that I feel like I cannot BREATHE by the time I am done. I even tried going to a movie with my two adult children recently because they were insisting that I “get out of the house and do something”, and I had a full blown panic attack during the movie and had to excuse myself to step outside and breathe. I realized I hadn’t eaten anything that day, and thought maybe if I ate something I’d feel better, so I ordered a $4 hot dog and went and sat inside the bathroom stall alone on the toilet and crammed it down my throat trying to make myself feel better. It didn’t work.

    It doesn’t feel like ANYTHING is working anymore and as much as I really DO want to MAKE MYSELF get out of this room, when I do leave it for whatever reason…I feel too overwhlemed to even deal with anything in life whatsoever. So, back to the room I go…death grip on the remote…bottle of pain pills on the nightstand…overflowing ashtray beside the bottle. I am DYING here in this room and no one can save me but MYSELF and I know it, but cannot seem to crawl out of this depression for whatever reason. I’m scared…always in fear that someone will “catch me” being lazy. I refuse to answer the door when the doorbell rings. I pretend I’m not home. I panic and am frozen at the peep hole and cannot open the door. I don’t want to open the door. I don’t want to do ANYTHING anymore, and the worst part is that it’s not even like I DON’T know why, because I very much do!

    In dealing with the issues with my mother, I have allowed her to control me again to the point of punishing myself and locking myself in this room, but there is so much more than just issues with my mother. It goes way beyond that. The problem is that my usual coping skills (or what I thought were coping skills, but are really just a means of escaping reality) are just not doing their job any longer.

    It feels like I am crippled in some way, like mentally. All of the abuse I have suffered my entire life…sexual, mental, emotional, physical, verbal, psychological…ALL of it has debilitated me to the point that I feel as though I can no longer function! The catch is that I KNOW I CAN…I just don’t want to. How can that be??? How can I NOT WANT to function? That in turn, causes me so much guilt, which in turn causes me to become more depressed. It’s like a vicious cycle that I cannot break free from! I keep thinking of all the things that need my attention, but I am broken to the point that I feel I am broken beyond repair and all I can do is sit in this God forsaken room and watch t.v. shows about Interventions and Hoarders and cry.

    I think even my dogs are becomming depressed. They look at me and do not understand. They sleep a lot, because I don’t play with them outside anymore. My children TRY to get me to do SOMETHING, but I just can’t! My youngest child who is 14 is away and has been gone for several months, working her way through the system at the Juvenile Detention Center for truancy, and I miss her terribly, but feel like her downward spiral is all my fault, too. If I had been a better mother, maybe she wouldn’t be there. I know in my heart that is not the truth but my head tells me lies. I visit her once a week on Saturdays, but am not allowed to touch her, not allowed to hug her, kiss her, or wipe away her tears. I know I have to find a way out of this depression so I can be stronger for her when she comes home. She has her own healing to do and I have to be there for her…so why on earth can’t I MAKE MYSELF do what needs to be done now???

    I just don’t get it! I am desperately trying to wean myself off of these horrible pain pills that I don’t really need. I have, over the last week or so, cut my intake in half. My body feels like it is in shock! It is difficult for me to move. Everything hurts. I don’t know where else to start really, with so much else going on around me…so I felt I needed to start somewhere, and the pills aren’t working for me anymore, so I started there. But…it feels like it’s not enough of a start. It feels like I should be doing more, yet, I just can’t.

    Hopefully, one day soon I will be able to come back here and have a happy ending to this, but for now…this is where I’m at. “The Blue Room” is what I call it. Not only because it IS blue…but because that is also how I very much feel inside if you could describe your feelings in color. It is not even a nice blue like the sky. It’s a sad blue…a very sad blue. Maybe one day I will have the energy and the courage to paint it! For my sake, I certainly hope so! =(

    ~Christy Feddersen~

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 5th April 2012

      Hi Christy
      I started at the beginning. I started with looking at how I got so broken in the first place. I dug in, I wrote journals I looked at the damage, the original damage and I validated it; I stopped excusing it, I stopped trying to understand “why” my parents were the way they were. I validated me and learned to do for myself what no one had ever done for me. This is the process in a nutshell. I hear your pain and I know what that is like. I hope that you keep reading ~ there is so much information in this site. There is hope!
      Hugs, Darlene

  6. By: vicky bel Posted: 15th November 2010

    Darlene, a FB friend sent me this website and I am so glad I found it. I just turned 63 and in past 9 months I have moved, gotten divorced, lost my mother and dog on the same day and as a result, had a nervous breakdown. This is the first time in my life I am living on my own, paying my own bills, and dealing with life on my own. I am in therapy, for second time in my life, trying to let the real me out. I discovered through journaling, reading and therapy, that I had an emotionally abusive childhood. My mother was a supremely beautiful but narcissistic woman who saw me as a threat to her when I became a teenager. From that point on, she treated me horribly and I bent over backward my entire life to please her and get her love and praise. She became more angry and bitter over her life with my father, a depressed, selfish man, and lashed out at everyone, but me especially. By the time she died this past April at 86, I could barely shed any tears for her. Now, almost 7 months later, I don’t miss her at all. I finally feel I can be the me that was always hiding inside. There is no one to cut me down anymore. I feel free for the first time in my life. Got rid of an emotionally insecure and controlling husband, a jealous sister, and my Mom is gone. Free at last. And for first time in my life, I love myself. I think I am a fantastic person. I don’t need their approval anymore. They couldn’t love themselves, so how could they ever love me? I understand that now. I have a ways to go, but I am finally on the right track.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 16th November 2010

      Hi Vicky,
      Welcome to emerging from broken!
      Sounds like we had mothers that were very much alike! I am very glad that you have found my blog and that you are sharing some of your life and journey and thank you for sharing this inspirational post! There is life and love after abuse and struggle!
      hugs, Darlene

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