Self Value Disengages Reactivity


“Nothing can give it to you because you already have it…  And not only do you have it- you are it, you are what you’re looking for already… the ‘I am’ that is stripped of all this and that, the pure experiencing of knowing yourself as…  life itself; I don’t have a life, I am life.” – Eckhart Tolle

When I relate to others from a hungry heart, there is this feeling of intense neediness, of strong reliance on them to keep me “together”.  This is why I’m so passionate about being whole in and of myself, of valuing myself as I am, for who I am. It’s not self-centered.  I want to be whole in relationships too, and that all starts with the sense of my unique and worthy self.

I used to react to others who treated me poorly. There was always things “stringing along” feeling… this anxiety that I had to be just the right way around them in order to be treated well. For the subtlest reasons I would cower inside or adjust my behavior in order to win their favor. Sometimes I would get very quiet. Or other times I would be verbal and defensive, spilling all my emotions and putting myself in a very vulnerable place. For me, the heart of my reactivity was to try to correct their behavior so that they would treat me as valuable. I was trying to correct the “mirrors” to keep telling me I was “okay”. I relied on their treatment of me to define my worthiness. By attempting to correct their treatment of me, I was attempting to keep my small sense of worthiness intact. I gave a lot of my power away and opened myself up to be hurt time and again.

Building on a new foundation of beliefs about who I really am sets me up for a different kind of relating. I don’t need to depend on others to define me anymore. Inside, there is this growing sense of my own value. Just as I am, now. I exist in this moment with all my strengths and weaknesses, my personality, my hopes and quirks, my unique perspectives. I’m not defined by other people; my past reactions and hungry heart behaviours don’t define the real me either.  It’s just a simple unalterable fact that I exist as a valuable part of this world. When I enter interactions with others from this truth, everything changes. I don’t have to hop around inside, adjusting myself to someone else’s requirements. Most importantly, to summarize Eckhart Tolle, I’m not relying on someone else to give to me what only I can give myself.

*Special Note!: My article Contexting Geese (click to visit) was published recently on the multi-author blog, Wisdom a la Carte. I found this blog via facebook, and it’s another great resource for thought-provoking insight! I’ll be writing more on that theme here, in coming weeks!*

8 response to "Self Value Disengages Reactivity"

  1. By: Carla Posted: 4th January

    Hi Charles, it is a pleasure to meet you here at this post. 🙂 I am so glad that you are finding much to relate to here, and especially that our stories are encouraging your own. Thank you so much for taking the time to find a working link to “Contexting Geese” as well! I truly appreciate that. I wish you the very best in finding the answers you need for your own unique healing journey, and that you will know God’s faithful presence in each step of your path.~Carla

  2. By: Charles Browne Posted: 3rd January


    I have been reading quite a bit of the emergingfrombroken website pages over the last eight or nine months. As a fifty year old male, soon to turn fifty-one, who desperately needed answers as to why he hadn’t been able to get this ‘life thing’ right, the truthful conclusion is that all of my youthful and adult dysfunctions had their roots in my reactions to, and my internalizations of, the things that took place in my childhood and teenage years.

    When I think of and remember how I was in my mid to late teens, and early twenties, I can relate to this part of Carla Dippel’s above post:

    “this anxiety that I had to be just the right way around them in order to be treated well. For the subtlest reasons I would cower inside or adjust my behavior in order to win their favor.”

    Over the last months when reading the articles written by Darlene, Carla and the various guest posters I have more than once found myself surprised and saying to myself, I can relate to that! That is exactly how I was, or am, or felt, or reacted.

    I could have left a comment on any number of this website’s pages because as I stated above I can relate to a lot of the information that has been given in the articles that have been written. I left the comment on this page as an entry to note that the link given above for the “Contexting Geese” article that Carla wrote no longer works, but the article can be found on the web archive here:

    Am I still broken? Yes. But maybe with God’s much needed help I will emerge unbroken after all.

  3. By: Jennelle Posted: 20th January

    Congrats on your article Carla! It was a really touching piece, I loved it. I am continually amazed by what a beautiful writer you are. It’s great to see how powerful we can be as human beings when we use our gifts…

    I am subscribed now! 🙂

    • By: Carla Dippel Posted: 20th January

      Thanks so much Jennelle~ your writing is gifted and beautiful too and I love your blog! I’m excited for you and the directions you’re heading in this coming year. Thanks for reading!

      Love Carla

  4. By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 19th January

    I hope that everyone checks out your article on Contexting Geese Carla, it is really great! Congrats on getting published on the Wisdom a la Carte blog. Hugs from Mexico!

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