Put Down Statements Designed to Burst your Bubble


abusive dysfunctional relationshipsHave you ever had fantastic exciting news and when you went to tell family, co-workers or perhaps your friends, you were met with a put down or some version of a put down? 

Have you ever walked away from telling your exciting news feeling somehow defeated or dejected or feeling disappointed and rejected; as though your good news somehow wasn’t that good anymore?

I have had major issues with this in my lifetime.

People who were “supposed to love me”; family, boyfriends and people who were “supposed to be my friends” said things like;

 “Well it can’t be that great”. What’s the catch?” Or “how did YOU get that award or offer?”  What about; “Why you?  Why would they pick you?”  

These types of statements have a clear message attached to them. The message is “WHY would anyone see value in YOU?” Those statements communicated to me what the speaker THOUGHT about me and how they defined my value and worth.

There were often really devaluing questions about the motives of whoever was acknowledging me; Questions like “are you sleeping with him?” “is that man in love with you?” “are you having an affair Darlene?”  Those types of questions make the statement that my ONLY value to anyone would be about SEX.  And those statements “defined me” too.  

Those statements hurt. They were invalidating. They made me feel dirty. Those specific statements about the  motives of men who acknowledged me tagged on to my already horrible feelings about having been sexually abused and the fear I had that perhaps that abuse was my fault. Because I was not heard, believed or protected, I already believed that I must have done “something” wrong to have been used that way.

If my only value was in sex or sexuality…which is what was being communicated to me by those statements, then what was I supposed to feel about those statements.  I was hurt but I didn’t say anything.  I couldn’t say anything because I had always been taught that I was wrong anyway.  AND because deep down I was not sure if those statements were true or false.

Put down statements like “why you?” infer other things too, like; what is so special about you? What makes you qualified to do that? And they always carry with them, a demeaning voice inflection.

Put down statements like this are insinuating that “there must be some mistake”. You must have lied about your qualifications. Or there must be some ulterior motive for them to have chosen you! It implies that if the person giving you the opportunity or acknowledgement really knew you ~ they would never have offered you the opportunity or recognition.

AND because of the grooming process that I went through from a very young age, it was not hard for me to believe that “if that person really knew me”, they would not have offered me the opportunity or acknowledgement in the first place.  When a child grows up being defined by abuse and malfunction, that child believes that only people that don’t know them will “value them”. I lived with huge imposter issues, and a huge fear of people abandoning me “if they really knew me.” So when it came to statements like “why you?” What could I say? I believed enough of the statement that I accepted it. I hung my head and felt “told” I questioned myself the same way; in agreement with the put down, and in submission to the abuser I agreed; “yes… why me?”

My mother was good at this type of thing.  She always had a way of squishing my joy over some accomplishment or any recognition that I got.  It was like if I was recognized, that it was insulting to her, or demeaning to her and lessened HER value. I suspect that she was afraid that if I ever found out my true value, that I would not worship HER anymore because if I knew my own value, I might somehow see her value the way that she saw it. (And although it looked to me like she was in total control of her life, the reality of that was quite different.)  

Here is what I found out;

The truth is that most people in my life did not pay enough attention to me to even know what my gifts were. They disregarded me as being insignificant compared to them because they wanted me to see myself that way. It was part of the way them maintained control over me.  Seeing my gifts was threatening to them, so they didn’t see them. With controlling and manipulative people, they are only interested in looking at me through the eyes of what I could DO for them or how I could contribute to whatever they were working on.  And the best way to keep someone doing what you want it to make them think that they will only achieve equal status to you if you do what they want. And that is where the put down statements come in. They are an abuse tactic.

This understanding became much more clear to me when I starting flying in my life; those same people were no longer interested in me at all. 

In the case of my mother, and her put downs aside from the fact that she wanted total control over me, she couldn’t stand to see me recognized. My mother’s jealously of me was evident from the time I turned 13 when she suddenly turned me into her competition.

My father was never interested enough in me to even engage in a conversation about anything I was doing in any part of my life.

I had a few bosses who kept me nervous and kept me scrambling to try harder in order to make sure that I never caught on to my gifts; if I realized my gifts, I would leave them and move forward to accomplish things without them.  Some of them took credit for my ideas and in the depth of my low self esteem, I didn’t fight that either.

These reactions to good news are pathetic. I never realized in the past that when people reacted like that it was a huge proof of how little regard that they had for me. They were more intent on putting and keeping me down, then they were on congratulating me or celebrating my win with me but the motive is about KEEPING me CAPTIVE and keeping me serving them. The motive is about making sure that I am always trying to see where I am in the wrong, so that I don’t notice that they are wrong.  That is not love. That is dysfunction.

And you know what I KNOW for sure today? I know that the put down statements were not about ME but about them. It was no reflection on ME, it was always a reflection on them. It reveals their character, not mine. In the past I put so much energy on proving my worth and believing that the proof of that worth being was in the way that I was received and regarded that I missed the truth that put downs designed to burst my bubble are not a statement about me; they are a statement about the person putting me down!

Today the conversation would be very different. I have a reply to this disrespect and disregard.  Now that I am out of the fog on this whole issue and realize that these put down statements have nothing to do with my value, but everything to do with putting me down and beneath them, here is what I say;

“Why not me!? What exactly do you mean when you say ‘why would someone pick ME?’ What a nasty hurtful thing to say to me. I am shocked at your lack of support and encouragement.  Your opinion and reaction to my good news shows me how little regard that you have for me.” (see note)

And they are speechless because finally, they got BUSTED; they got “told” and the truth (ABOUT THEM) emerged.

NOTE: If you cringe reading that statement I understand; I had been told for so long that I was “too sensitive” that when I first thought about speaking the truth in any of these situations, that “too sensitive” label jumped up and squished my conviction that they were wrong. Those days are gone.

Please share your thoughts.

There is freedom on the other side of broken…

Darlene Ouimet

The Emerging from Broken book is ready for download! If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, get this book today! This 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to healing.  Get yours here through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing


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Categories : Self Esteem



This is so true, I am so glad you found your voice! I am new here and I’m finding all your post fasinating. Keep up the great work!


Hi Lori
Welcome to Emerging from Broken
Glad that you like my work here! Thanks for posting,
Hugs, Darlene


I find myself starting to talk like them and I cringe and apologize every time that I hear something like that come out of my mouth. It is a long road to being strong enough to stand up for yourself when you’ve spent your whole life hiding.


Hi Darlene, I’m so glad you can say this to people.

I showed my mother a national magazine that I was editing. I was pretty excited about it, and (foolishly) expected some positive response from her, but she turned a couple of pages and pushed it aside like it was last week’s advertising flyer. That put up another brick in the wall between me and her, the wall of indifference to whatever her opinion of me was, good or bad.

(Incidentally, it’s voice inflection, not infliction, though their voices are inflicted on us.)


this could not have come at a better time for me!

my brother fits this description perfectly.

i have recently been trying to understand and deal with him.
it has become clear he does not value me at all.

he never called me once during my recent surgery and subsequent recovery, (although he did visit me in hospital on day three after the surgery, i know that was out of obligation because i said something to his wife about not bothering to call etc whilst i was in hospital for a week 6months prior to this, for the same illness) even though when he broke his leg, and his arm 2 years before that, whenever his wife needed a break from their two little toddlers, i had them for 4 days when they went away to work, etc etc etc the list goes on… I HAVE BEEN THERE FOR THEM EVEN WHEN IT WAS VERY INCONVENIENT FOR ME.

he has ‘burst my bubble’ many times over some things small, some things big. i have been trying to get him to love me (even like me) ever since it became clear that his biological father and my mother poisoned his mind against me. (his father is my abuser).

i thought i had to re-establish a relationship with him because of that. that i had to show him i wasn’t the person they had led him to believe i was.

mind you when he was a baby i cared for him and loved him as my own, he spent many weekends with me as a youngster but it was when i became unable to hide the trauma i was feeling about my abuse that they started to really bad mouth me to him. as i said in a previous post, i never wanted him to know what his father did to me, so i suffered in silence as long as i could. (my mother told him about what happened to me when she found the stepfather in a ‘compromising situation’ with my niece. i told her not to tell him, i wanted to protect him from the truth about his father)

i did it all for him. and he bursts my bubbles today. UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP? TOXIC FOR ME? you bet it is. i am actually in the process of redefining boundaries with him and its hard… he can be a real little smart-arse.. to put it lightly. he thinks an awful lot of himself, and also plays the victim. (just like his father)

its hard and its consuming 90% of my thoughts at the moment. i cant live like this, and i WILL have it dealt with as soon as i can.

love to all. xoxox


in childhood I was not even recognised as a person never mind a sensitive and creative artist. Being abused has nothing to do with your good qualities the abusers are not interested in your well being only in what they can use you for. Nothing natural in me was allowed expression. I was prevented from knowing myself I was told who I was and what I thought. Yet all I was thinking was the opposite. I was not allowed to develop my natural creative abilities, not allowed to be a person in my own right resulting in the stunting of my intellectual and emotional development. Getting to know yourself fully for the first time after decades of oppression is quite strange but feels right Your posts are very helpful thank you.


Hi everyone,

this one has got me stuck in feeling like both the victim and the abuser (this has been fairly common for me at times). I suppose it makes sense I’d take on plenty of what I was taught, especially when I was blind to the fact that I was being abused myself (and the extent/effects of it etc).

I once bought a book about controlling people (thinking of my mother – I think it was the first book I bought on this sort of topic) but I couldn’t read it because everything seemed to apply to me and I got too upset.

Feeling bit upset now so gonna leave it here. Actually I think I’ve mentioned before, when I first had girlfriends, telling my parents was the ultimate “bubble-bursting” — acted like it was something to be f**king ashamed of. *#&$&@!!!!

PS Michelle, sorry to hear about the trouble with your brother. That seems really beautiful to me that you tried so hard to spare him that knowledge, but it must have had a huge impact on you. Really glad to hear you’re trying to redefine things! Hope it helps you.


Hi Bethany
That is a good sign though, indicating that you are sensitive to the feelings of others, which is such a great thing. I went through it too.
Hugs, Darlene

Wow. That is exactly what my mother would have done too. I wrote about her reaction when I was asked to do a content edit (I am not an editor) on a book that was being written about the misuse of power and control in marriage. I was coming unglued with the honour of it. That was one of the times when she said “why you” and she asked me if I was having an affair or if the author of the book was “in love with me”.
p.s. thank you for correcting my grammar! (I changed the error) I missed that. I am not gifted in the writing department that way.
Hugs, Darlene


On the day I found out I was pregnant with our first child,the spath went to play golf.I remember he promised he would come back early so I could tell him the results.I waited all day,finally when it was dark,the spath came home.I asked him why he was so late,he said he was “scared to know the results so he played another 18 holes to relax”….”what’s the big deal,I’m here now,so what are the results?If it’s positive guess I won’t be playing golf anymore.” Nine months later,on the day we brought our son home from the hospital,the spath left me alone to play pool or visit the current girlfriend,I begged him to stay home with me and our newborn son.He refused,claiming that he was so proud of having a son that he wanted to let everyone know.I told him to pick up the phone and call,he replied…”it’s not the same” and left.I cried all night. The spath has never acknowledged either of our sons accomplishments.When they have achieved something,an award in school,an excellent report card,etc…he would say “that’s good BUT you could have done better on this or better on that.You never try your best at anything”.


Hi Michelle
As painful as it is, I had to realize that I can’t “get” people to realize that they have been wrong about me. I came to understand that everyone will make up their own mind and a lot of that too is about siding with who has the most “power” in the family more than it is about how they feel about you. Through healing I totally let go of proving my worth and I no longer care about who thinks what about me because they will believe what ever suits them. NO Matter what I do or say. Even in this blog I had to stop trying to prove that my motives are always love based. Some people just don’t agree with my view and some would love to see me fall. Sometimes only because their friends don’t like me and they don’t want to upset their friends. Many people side with which ever side they think their bread is buttered on. (that is the system we grew up in. stick up for the ones who can hurt you the most. That is the system that I left.)
When someone treats me as though I am less valuable then they are, I don’t try to convince them differently (anymore); I draw my boundaries and if that person does not respect my boundaries, explain how I feel if the person will listen and if that person insists on treating me as though I am beneath them, or insists that I am wrong about how they are treating me, or justifies how they are treating me, (which indicates that they are not willing to change or even meet me half way) I withdraw from that relationship.
I am worthy of being treated with equal value.
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Beverly
Yes, that is exactly right. Those are all things that I write and speak about. That is what I was recovering from and it is so wrong that this happens to children. I found this getting to know me quite strange too, but like you I also was aware that it “felt right”. Thank you for sharing,
Hugs, Darlene


Hi J
It is very common for the victim to think that they are the controller. It is also very common for the victim of the misuse of power and control to grow up misusing his or her own power and control and become a controller. SO… personal healing and recovery is extremely important and that self examination seems best applied after some of the fog has lifted about how this all became learned behaviour. My personal “character defects” began to dissipate when I healed from the damage that had caused them in the first place. I have seen this same thing with others. When I was focused on all my bad points, I was justifying all their bad points. I had to look at the damage caused to me.
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Diane
That is horrible! That is the type of stuff that I am talking about. Thank you for sharing.
Hugs, Darlene


Hi everyone!
My mother used similar words of disapproval. I realize it was just to build herself up. When I told her I was going to college for a specific major, she said, “why don’t you try this major instead? I can’t see you doing the other one.” That was as double message. 1) intention to discourage so she wouldn’t be outdone by her child; she has no education. 2) She has no idea who I am so she thought a different major suited me better. I finished that part of my education and went on to really love the work. I am now pursuing further education in the field I chose so many years ago. Of course, she approves now, and may even brag ~ she sees my success as a reflection of her work as a parent. She had nothing to do with my success. I remember in order to start school back then, I needed about $3,000. I needed a cosigner to get it. She refused. I know why…. she didn’t want me to succeed. But, she used the “I don’t trust you” excuse. And, that was a triple messasge. 1) I don’t trust you. 2) you aren’t worth my investment. 3) I’ll do what I have to do to keep you from succeeding beyond my success. So twisted. I was always the black sheep, so for me to succeed at ANYthing would put a serious damper on her ability to spread poison about me she’d become so accustomed to doing. It must really stink as a mother to have the reins of destruction of your child taken over….. BY your child! Sheesh!!
Love to all,


I could write a whole blog post in answer to your comments. I asked my mother for a small loan once. ($1000.00) She made such a huge deal out of it that I didn’t even cash the second chq. (she wrote it in two chqs) Talk about giving her permission to “own me”. Wow. That was a memory that I had forgotten… LOL I learned before I even started this process to be careful where I gave my mother any way to trap me. I wish I had been able to articulate exactly what she was doing back then so that I could have said it to her and set myself free of the dysfunction.
Thanks for sharing,
Hugs, Darlene


I learned very early not to ask for money, so I didn’t. But, I did need her signature. She refused. So, I did the next best thing. I went to her mom and dad who were the only other people I had, and were always outstanding grandparents to my sisters and I. They agreed to sign and that’s where my education began. It’s worth noting though, that my mother was in a RAGE because I did that. For whatever reason, today, that makes me smile, hehe!! 🙂


I asked that time because I found out that she had given a loan to my brother. I don’t know what I was thinking! ha ha. I know why she was in a rage over you asking your grandparents. Because you dared to go over her head! And they did what she refused to do, imagine how “bad” that made her look! It is all about power and control!
This makes me smile too!!!
Hugs, Darlene


Hi Darlene,

thanks for your words – gave me a glimmer of hope! (And I definitely won’t argue with that right now!) 🙂 I’m not sure I get what you mean about “focusing on your bad points / justifying their bad points” though. (Just woke up from a bad dream & feeling pretty out of it, so that probably doesn’t help).

Actually I was going to write about that. It was very vivid – I was out front of house with my mother, my father was still inside (I think we were all about to leave to go somewhere) Then two men came in work uniforms, I can’t remember what they said but along the lines of “we’re here to test for toxic fumes” and to get away from the house becuase it wasn’t safe. (At some point the house was on fire; it feels like I/we knew that already somehow in the dream…. but may have just found out later) I got really angry at them because they were being all jokey about it (they didn’t know my father was inside) and yelled at them. My father came out at this point, and they gave him a little gadget (looked like an old video game controller, strangely enough) that they said to hold near the door and it would tell you if there were toxic fumes in there without having to go in.

There was a bit more but that’s enough for now. Still feeling out of it. Hope everyone’s doing well


PS had my sibling over to new place recently. (I haven’t moved in officially yet. Got fair bit of stuff there now though). I got really shi**y; I think cos of a present my sib gave me. Didn’t like it, but felt like I had to display it. Feel ungrateful etc, but wish I could just say I didn’t like it but appreciate the thought. I’ve already wanted to say something to my family about gifts (esp. of the “tschochke” variety ??spelling??) And I think kinda felt like they’re imposing their tastes on my new place. And now feel bad for thinking that. Pfffftt. I got really sullen and just pretended I was tired. (actually I was. Basically had a big sulk, and felt guilty about that too, but hey. What can you do?! Too much going on at the moment, and I WAS tired. Also had told my friend about not being in wedding that day, so very stressed from all that. He’s actually responded really nicely – I was really worried he wouldn’t and it’d end the friendship & cause all the shit w/my parents to come to a head [worried he might tell them & they’d get mad at me])

alright done for now. cheers!


When I started healing in soundbites, years ago, I would tell a trusted friend how my parents let me down, and her response was that I wouldn’t have lived my life any differently had they treated me better, in other words, their actions had no impact on me. She was taught to think this way by the “church” which teaches that we are so sinful and depraved and self-decieved (that we need to keep pouring our wallets out to those who remind us of our condition weekly) that we don’t WANT to live in a better or more healthy way. BIG clue here that this “friendship” is done! I didn’t take the clue for many years, although we didn’t talk much. The LAST time we talked she came unglued at me for continuing to look at the past, and hammered on me that it is doing me NO good to even be thinking about the things that concerned me. THAT was the end of my friendship with negativity.


It’s a disturbing observance that so many people who come here and are broken, have had some kind of spiritual abuse. I can’t help but notice it. I think my sister could be under a spell by a missionary couple. We have been somewhat estranged since she moved 500 miles away (incidentally, the same city the missionaries live). I’ve began reading a book about spiritual abuse lately. Although its focus is more blantant, ie David Kuresh types of groups, it does reveal some of the prettier, sneakier soul seekers. It’s a very interesting book.

J, my husband wakes me up quite often because I’m crying or whimpering in my sleep. I don’t usually know why once he wakes me up. If we’re both sleeping at night, he can’t do it unless my crying wakes him up, but, I suspect I’d have to be jumping on the bed AND crying for that to happen. I have pretty bad dreams about my mom and my sister both. I probably cry during those too, but, they’ve always occurred in the middle of the night. I do remember them though and they hang over my head for the majority of the day as if it was a memory of an event that happened a week ago or something. I know the dreams serve a purpose. Maybe nothing other than a release I suppose. It usually involves one of them torturing me or making fun of me and laughing with other people. It’s lovely to have a family that would do that!! LoL! Hope you’re doing well J.


Hi Mimi,

thanks for your comment! Feeling pretty overloaded and flat today (still stressing bad about moving) and came on here I think kinda hoping for some kind words, so I especially appreciate it today! 🙂

I’m sorry to hear about your bad dreams. (I must admit the picture of you jumping on the bed in your sleep did give me a chuckle though!) I had one a while back where I was back in high school, and a girl I knew (I was very scared of girls in school, so I didn’t know her well, but she was one of the few I was occasionally brave enough to talk to!) who was just a happy soul and lovely was getting picked on by a teacher, then I fired up at the teacher (this also would’ve been extremely unlikely – I was a goody-goody who was scared shitless of getting in trouble!). This was I think before the fog started to clear re parental abuse. A couple of months later, after I’d started to see that I had been abused, I found the note I’d written about the dream in my phone & freaked out — my mother was a teacher (SOOOO obvious in hindsight) and Heather (the girl from school) then seemed to me almost like me standing up for “myself” (someone gentle who wouldn’t hurt a fly), or at least standing up for someone who was getting bullied by someone in authority (as several people on here have mentioned they could do, even when they couldn’t stand up for themselves).

I’m sorry about your sister too btw. That would be a hard position to be in for you.

Thanks again so much for your thoughts! Hope you’re doing well too

Hugs! (I think I stole that sign-off from someone…. hmmm…) 🙂


Wow, this was fantastic! This weekend I did alot of soul searching and journaling trying to figure out why I’ve been so down and gloomy the last few months and I traced it back to something that was said to me around my birthday which was at the beginning of October. I told my pastors wife that my birthday had just passed and instead of wishing me a Happy birthday she asked me how old I was and then told me I was old. I turned 32! On what planet is that old? Besides, this woman is 50 (not that that’s old). How can someone that’s 50 tell a 32 year old that they’re old? But it really hurt me, first because I expected her to just wish me a happy birthday. Second, I had been feeling kind of old just because of how painful my life had been for the previous year, so I bought into what she was saying.

It was only when I acknowledged that what she said to me was hateful and meant to hurt me and to keep me down that I was able to be healed of it. Until this weekend I thought the ordeal was no big deal so I didn’t work through it, and look how long it has affected me.

It’s amazing how pathetic people can be, putting down others because of their own insecurity. I have found, too, that the best way to deal with people like this is to confront them with the truth. If you try to be polite and ignore or let go what they say it tears away at you and they continue to behave the same way toward you. But truth stops them in their tracks.

Thank God for the truth!


Hi Kate
That is such a common teaching! And it is so false! If that was a truth teaching, then it would be the same as saying that there are no consequences for harmful action. Of course your life would have been different if your parents had been different. (I suspect that you hit a nerve with your friend)
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Robin
It is pathetic. And noteworthy that you realized how long it affected you. (I totally relate to that discovery ~ this is been a huge part of my process) I agree ~ if possible, the best action is truth speaking.
Happy belated birthday!
Hugs, Darlene


I enjoyed reading your post about truth and that even the “Holy” can really hurt people. Just proves that no one is above hurting others to boost themselves up. She probably wishes she was still 32. I wouldn’t mind being 32 again!! 🙂

After posting about dreaming, I had a vivid one again where I was probably crying but, I wasn’t simultaneously jumping on the bed 🙂
I’m glad that made you smile!!
Anyhow, I dreamed about my mom’s sister who passed away 18 months ago. She was alive in the dream but in rigorous cancer treatment (like she did in life). I woke up thinking I needed to call my mom and ask if my aunt was okay because I’d had a bad dream about her. I was reaching for my phone when I woke up completely and reality hit that she’s been gone a while. Also, she spent much of her life living in London England and we had flown to see her. I’ve never been on a plane and I’m terribly scared to fly. So many things this dream touched on. Baffles my mind what it all could mean.

I hope you feel a surge of courage and get to a place where you feel comfortable going to your apt.
Peace to all,


🙂 Thanks Darlene and Mimi for the birthday wishes. You guys are great!

Mimi, I’ve been thinking alot too about the surprising frequency of spiritual abuse that occurs. And it’s so secret and sneaky I didn’t even realize for a long time that it was happening to me. When I first came to this blog I didn’t even bother reading any of the posts in that section because I didn’t believe that it could happen in my church. Boy was I wrong! Since I began my healing journey everyone’s true colors have started showing and the real monsters seem to all attend my church.

But when you think about it, religion (not necessarily the Bible or other religious texts) usually calls for a person to submit themselves to another person. This is the perfect set-up for anyone who enjoys subjugating and abusing other people.

I can no longer deny the abuse that is happening to me at church. Yesterday my pastor preached a whole sermon directly to me. How do I know? Because I sat on the front seat where he looked directly at me almost the whole time. He also alluded to a note that I had given him explaining that I was taking some time off from church activites to take better care of myself. In his message he tried to convince me and everyone else that we should put ourselves last and “God” first. But he didn’t refer to time spend reading the Bible or praying. He referred to being in church whenever the doors were open. He’s only interested in feeding his own ego by having packed pews.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to go on and on about this. I just feel very strongly about it.



It happened to me too, in 2002! He preached an entire sermon from notes he took from a (painful plea for help) personal phone conversation he had with me. At the end of it, he told me not to call him again. In the sermon he said not to call our relatives from out of town and talk about our church. He said lots of crazy irrelevent things that he thought applied to my situation, etc.,

It was just my turn, though, someone was always “getting” it from the pulpit. We ended up leaving. The harrassment continued for 22 months until thye excommunicated us. WE should have filed a restraining order long before the excommunication. When you tell someone to leave you alone, or stop communicating with you and they don’t leave you alone, then it is legally harrassement. Just a group of people that didn’t want anymore to do with me before the divorce. Funny thing is that same pastor is now diovrced from his own wife and selling insurance!!


Whenever the church uses the word “God” just replace it with the word church or pastor, and you have their intended meaning. Most of my life has been spent caring more about the paycheck of a pastor than my own paycheck. NO more.


Thanks for sharing your story. It feels really good to know that someone else has experienced what’s happening to me. It makes me feel validated. While I sat in church listening to this person talk about me I questioned my sanity for a moment because I didn’t want to believe that this person who should care about me could really do such a thing. In the end I just had to accept the truth and not question myself anymore.

And your suggestion in your second note was really powerful. The pastor’s wife once told me that God wouldn’t be pleased if I didn’t spend time with my abusive mother. But what she really meant was that *she* wanted me to spend time with my abusive mother because she wanted me to get hurt. She knew my situation. In fact my pastor and his wife were the only people I had told about my family situation. They both wanted me to continue to submit to my abusive mother and pander to her wants and needs at the expense of myself. They used God’s name but it was all about them.

Kate, I’m sorry to hear about the pastor in your life that is taking advantage of you. Stay strong and put yourself first.



Your pastor’s wife’s admonishment of you makes me feel like I am back in church camp. What’s worse that church three times a week? Church 24/7 for one or two whole weeks…talk about oppression. What bad memories…

My husband and I joke about MYOB, mind your own business,…something we hear from the saner types while we are children, but some people never stop minding other peoples’ business. Right, it was all about your pastor/wife, their control over you, narcissists, entertaining themselves at your expense. Sorry, I am just free rambling now!

And the day that pastor did that in his morning sermon, we had our mandatory potluck (what luck) and the pastor had to sit right in front of me, facing me the whole time, talking to me, trying to get IN MY FACE to see what possible responses he could see. I ignored that part and acted normal. I was not in shock. I knew from others how bad he could be and that it could end up happening to me and it did. So, then we had to attend the second worship (of the pastor) service right after the meal. I sat down in the pew and closed my eyes for 5 seconds, and he immediately starts telling us to keep our eyes open, not anything LESS general than that, mind you…that was the last day I set foot in that place,

My son when he was 17, and I wrote to this pastor and told him how wrong he was to advise me the way he did at that time. He argued with us for a while and when I wouldn’t quit pointing out his faults in his reasoning, he told me not to contact him anymore. HIS wife left him 6 months later!!



Yes, yes, yes!!! On sunday the pastor asked the congregation what I assumed was a rhetorical question and looked dead at me. I didn’t nod of say amen like everyone else because I didn’t want to agree with anything he had to say. But when I didn’t respond he continued to look at me and repeated the question and admonished ‘us’ to be honest until I finally just nodded because I felt so uncomfortable.


brainwashed and controlled, regardless of the words or concepts used, it is about controlling you/me/churchgoers


Hi Darlene, I have to admit that I still haven’t conquered this. Whenever someone says something mean and puts me down, I’m so confused I freeze up. I don’t understand why people do this and it knocks me off guard and for some reason, makes me feel afraid. Thanks for posting this and making me take a closer look at this problem.



This reminds me of my own mother so much. It seemed as if she never had anything positive to say about me or to me. I was 35 when I remarried for the second time. I had been single for 15 years. We eloped and I had never introduced my husband to any of my family. I should have known this marriage would not last because we ended up eloping only 4 weeks after knowing one another. Back then, I was searching for security and self worth and had no clue how to obtain it. So, naturally for me, when he came into my life and seemed to fall head over heals in love with me, I was thrilled.

The day we got married, my ‘now ex’ and I stopped by my parents home so that I could introduce them to their new son in law. I will never forget the words that my mother said to me that day. She was so impressed with my new husband. He was very tall and handsome, owned his own business and presented an air of success and confidence. My mother shuffled me into her bedroom and I remember her EXACT words…”Wow, you must have really fooled him to get him to marry you”.

Long after our divorce, he and my mother would still communicate via phone and my mother actually invited him to go with her on a Cruise one summer.. Although he began cheating on me 2 weeks into our marriage, abused me physically and emotionally, she still blamed me for the demise of that marriage.

When I finally found my true soul mate 12 years ago, again she voiced how I was not good enough for him. Because of our age difference (I am 11 years older than him), she told me immediately that he would end up getting tired of me and leaving me for a younger woman…and on and on and on…

If it weren’t for my current husband and his being able to recognize the type of woman my mother really is, I may have never even began the first step of taking back control of my life.


Hi Pam
It took me about 2 years of awareness of all this truth stuff and owning my own value before I could find the words while I was still in the same room with someone. (or on the phone) The key was not in understanding why they did it, which was the understanding that I had pursued for so long and that happened to be what was keeping me stuck. I went from trying to understand them to searching for why it may have been something that I did wrong and never focused on the plain truth; those statements are abusive and were intended to put me down. The key was in my realizing that they felt that it was okay to put me down. I got a huge heart pounding adrenalin rush when I first started speaking up for myself, but it gets better and easier all the time. (of course it also happens less and less all the time because I think people sense when you are serious about that boundary ~ but the whole process of ME being ready and really owning the truth about the whole picture took a long time.) As for my family, as you know, when I stood up for myself they walked. But it was my win. They don’t put me down anymore and the fact that they walked away was very telling.
hugs Darlene

Hi Mitzi
Thanks for sharing this story! This is exactly what I am talking about here. HOLY smokes, it is so nasty (and typical) that she blamed you for the failure of the marriage… but I guess if you think about it, they always put all the burden and responsibility of OUR relationships on us too.. so it fits.. (make sure the “victim” never feels good or equal about themselves. That is the bottom line motive it seems)
Thanks for sharing,
Hugs, Darlene


Darlene, I think I’m still struggling with the thought that they might resort to more than a verbal put-down if I speak up. That happened to me a lot growing up. My tendency is to take flight rather than fight. When I do fight, I tend to go overboard. I agree that it does get a little easier all of the time.



Yes, I totally understand and relate to that. I found that realizing this was a major forward point for me. To realize what I was afraid of, and what held me back.I never realized that i had been really afraid of physical abuse and almost expected it as an adult. (not that anyone was still hitting me) so I decided that if someone did more than verbal abuse I was going to charge them. Making that plan in my head made me so much stronger. (I am not sure if that is what you mean ) I don’t do fight that well either, and I always would run, but I stopped running for me. (fighting back for me is only verbal though, and I don’t lose my temper or say things that I regret. I don’t fight dirty, or in an abusive way. I try very hard to stay in the truth and to maintain that I am only asking for equal value, and I am not trying to “flip the power”.
Hugs, Darlene


i never thought much about the whole issue of a “pecking order” in our society in which some view themselves as more powerful or more important than others but it seems so much of our culture in america is setup that way. You are either the hunter or the hunted. You are either the victor or the victim. why are things so black and white ? How do people who use other people sleep at night ? How come we have so many people who are so insecure that they have to use and abuse others to feel good about themselves (my mother in a nutshell). How have we gotten so far away from values like honesty, integrity, good character and good morals ? The more i read this blog it seems like people either are abusers or they are abused. and some who are abused turn out to be abusers and the cycle continues. Abuse seems to be the big elephant in the room that people still dont want to acknowledge or talk about. I have lost almost all of my friends because they cant handle me talking about being abused. The vast majority of these are men who want to “fix” me like i am a broken car part. Most of them dont have a clue how to deal with someone who has a broken heart and is just looking for love and support and encouragement. these men all claim to be christians but most of them resemble nothing like Jesus. I can see the pecking order syndrome at work with these guys. Since i dont see myself as less than them any longer they dont have any use for me anymore. What a sick way to go through life ! I choose my friends much more carefully now. I was so naive in not understanding that people had agendas for my life and that they used me to get what they wanted and then when i served their purpose they got rid of me or just moved on while i was left broken, hurting and wounded. It happened over and over again that i thought that was how life was supposed to work. I thought that was normal. I thought that people taking advantage of me and using me was perfectly normal because my mother did it all the time. that’s how i was raised. I was created to serve my mother and meet all of her needs and fill all of her voids so i carried that message with me everywhere i went and into every relationhship – “here – let me meet your needs and fill your voids while you use and abuse me.” That was the primary message that i took from my childhood. that and i was never going to amount to anything and that i was stupid and a fool and could never do anything right. i heard those same messages every single day over and over and over. My mother ingrained them in me like it was her job. She poisoned my life and my childhood with lies and manipulation. She took advantage of my sensitive nature and my willingness to please and used me like a roll of paper towels to clean up all of her mess and to wipe up all of her spills. I lived in constant fear of saying or doing the wrong thing because she had almost killed my sister one time and threatened to kill me. she was a raving lunatic who should have been locked away. She destroyed our family and ruined mine and my sisters childhoods. she made life miserable for all of us and sucked the life right out of us every day. I dont know how i survived. I bear many scars now and life in a state of depression and rage/anger every day. My heart was crushed to pieces by her vile tongue and the mean things she said every day. She was so cruel she mean and so bitter and resentful of anyone who had more than she did or who had a better life than her. God how i wish i had been taken away put in a foster home or orphanage. She did more damage than i never knew possible for one person to do to someone else. I could go on and on but you get the picture. thanks for reading and listening !


It is so disgusting to me ~ the pecking order thing. The most disgusting part is that people actually view themselves as above me because of their level of education, money they make, positions they hold, their beauty. I was raised under my mother’s “tough love” as she would call it, and the kind of mindset that produces is fatal humility; such that there’s no way to imagine being on a level playing field with people who force their power on you (me). I was convinced most everyone was better than me. But, I have a little fighter flame inside. The older I got, the more I bucked that idea. If people who deemed themselves as above me would try to suck me into their self inflated sense of importance, it just started to tick me off. I would hold my tongue, but, that has resulted in some bitterness about people in positions of power.

My mother’s sister passed away about 18 months ago. Her daughter is an Oncologist in the Boston area, and her son in law (my cousin’s husband) teaches at Harvard Medical. I however, am a lowly nurse. For whatever reason, I scrambled to gather some pictures my cousin wanted (can’t remember the full details) just before the funeral service was to begin. I felt important in some little girl way, having this responsibility. I wanted to soothe her on one of the worst days of her life and if I could do that, I would. I gathered the pictures and took them to her. She was looking at a board with some pics of her mother’s life on it when I presented them to her. She held them in her hand while she looked at the board. Then, she turned to me and said, “would you take care of these?”, handed the pics back to me, and walked away. However, my oldest sister has more education than me. She was chosen to watch my cousin’s two little girls so my cousin could visit the casket in private. It’s so telling how all of that took place. She had much more respect for my sister because of her level of education and her financial success; she was good enough to watch her little girls. I on the other hand, was asked to hunt down these specific pictures she wanted, and then she basically crapped on that effort. Also, for the entire days we spent out of town for the funeral, my cousin’s husband never spoke a single word to me. Not one!! Because, he works at Harvard.

There was something so beautiful about it though. A male cousin (the oncologists brother) has had epilepsy since childhood. He’s always been hindered due to the condition. And, he’s always had what I would call compromised self esteem because of it. He works for Kroger and has for many years and so does his wife. He started young and worked is way very slowly up so that he no longer stocks shelves, but now manages a department. I cannot tell you how much the Kroger company did for him and his family during his mother’s death. They sent tray after tray of food and drinks to their mother’s house, every day for several days. They must have had 15 different floral arrangements at the funeral, both from departments and from individual families. They went so far above what I could have ever imagined. I’m a faithful Kroger shopper now. Anyhow, all that to say, not a single acknowledgement from the Harvard folks. Nothing. No card, no flowers, nothing from Harvard boy’s “colleagues”. Nothing from the oncologists colleagues or hospital either. This whole story just makes me shake my head…. and laugh a little.

Anyhow, I’m with you Dave. The place of importance people put themselves in is quite sickening. They are legends in their own minds. And, they have some way of projecting their importance on others to gain admiration. Unfortunately, in our society, it’s gladly accepted.


Hi Dave
Finding out that I was capable of changing my view of yourself was the most exciting thing that I have ever discovered. I put all these other people aside; I put everything aside except looking at the damage and understanding how it made me see myself. That view of me is what I had to change. Through this process, the lies became more clear but when they became clear I had to set them straight in my own mind. I had to see those lies for what they were. Then I was on the road to freedom!
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Mimi
Thank you for sharing these examples. This pecking order stuff really bugs me too, but I try very hard to remember that this “positional importance thing” is so much about them and their self esteem issues. Anyone who has their identity in what they “do” or what other people “do” has to be a little mixed up. I could write for days on this subject… yikes.
Hugs, Darlene


I always get great insight from your experience and perspectives. Thank you for reminding me it’s about them, not me. I am forever needing that reminder it seems. So much suffering is about the other person, I often forget that.

I feel like I don’t have a clue where to start in the process you mentioned to Dave above. I can put everyone/thing aside. But, then what? Address emotions as they come up? Dig them up yourself? Use guided resources in order to get to the roots? I’m a little helpless in this area still. Of course, what I would like is to take a six week course of understanding and restoration and come out clean on the other side. I know it’s never that cut and dry. I’m just not sure where I am in the process. I don’t do affirmations or anything like that. Is that a part of the process too? Thank you Darlene!


Hi Mimi
I write about my process from the view of “what I discovered.” In many ways I went forward by looking backwards. I started with the youngest trauma memory and looked at all the details of it. I picked the whole thing apart and looked at the messages that I received from the events; the messages about myself and how I learned to view myself. I just kept going with that. I dug much of it up myself. Everyone is different so everyones process is different. I write this blog to sort of “trigger” memories in others so you could use this as a guide. (start with early posts; I began writing the blog in December 2010.) One of these days I will have my e book finished and it is a collection of my writing, re ordered to take the reader through my process a little easier, and I am going to make a work book next. I really hope this is the year that I finish that stuff!
Hugs, Darlene


I look forward to reading your book!


Dave, hang in there, getting well is a lot of hard work, but it’s so worth it.


Darlene, I too have been repeatedly put down by my mom, in my childhood. I loved to draw and I remember doing this, on the back inside cover of my coloring books. I loved drawing girls with pretty hair styles with big,colorful blue eyes. I remember showing her these pictures and she replied, “your always drawing” like it was a bad thing! Then, i would say this isn’t good and she would say, “it doesn’t have to be perfect”. She could of said,” Wow, i like your picture” or go a little further and say, “I like the way you drew her hair or eyes.” I was starving for validation. I came across these pictures a few years back & i’m impressed with the details of my drawings…i could clearly see they were good & worthy of praise. I ended up praising myself all these years! I praise my daughter’s pictures all the time …i’m over board sometimes, and that stems from my need to compensate for not being praised myself. Anyway, my dad has been a supporter of my art, since he Values art- his aunts & mom were artists. I belief my mom is jealous, since she doesn’t even know how to draw a stick figure…Anyway, i would be the first to compliment her sewing or knitting. It’s so backwards!….Then, as i grew to be a teenager, she became more like a friend to me because she said, “I needed friends”…well, that felt like a slap! I did have friends!…looking back now,I believe she was the one feeling left out but projected that onto me. I see her dysfunctional behavior more clearly now, that I look back. For so long I’ve felt it was about ME but it’s been about HER!…I feel so sad right now about how her behavior has affected me and how badly i felt about myself. She has always said she was helping me but i did not ask for her help! I had to tell her as a young child & teenager that i needed help!…I was a depressed & anxious teenager, who wanted to avoid school…One day, i just adamantly refused to go- not out of being deviant because i was far from that- i was very compliant, however, she keep telling me i’m ok & go to school, when i was really having an emotional breakdown. So much denial and i wasn’t believed. I can see that there is a pattern of not being believed or heard throughout my life, that has contributed to my self doubt & distrust in others. OMG this feels so SAD to finally acknowledge this, as i’m writing. I also feel anger towards her for dismissing my feelings & needs!….She still pulls this and i tell her how i’m feeling now, whether she likes it or not. Most times she hates when i speak up and of course i’m the problem….I’m done with being responsible for her behavior!…I’m only responsible for MY behavior and I have the right to be heard!


There are many emotional stages ~ sadness is one of them. I am sad for what you went through. I think it is great that you are feeling the sadness. It is part of self validation, just like the anger stage is.
You DO have a right to be heard!
Thanks for sharing!
Hugs, Darlene


I had a boss 4 years ago who was a Bully and I was also having family problems at the same time, my s-i-l accused my husband of hurting one of her kids. I was very upset with my s-i-l and my parents, since they sided with her. Even though, I was there & did not see any wrong doing. My son & his friend said they did not see any harm either. No one in my family cared how i felt- i ended up calling my mom to discuss the so called incident & she already had her mind made up!..She even questioned, if I was even there…She did not believe that nothing happened, well the truth is the truth and she believed a lie. Then, she proceeded to say, why would your s-i-l lie?..I said, she never liked him. This incident really had me shaken up, during my summer vacation.
When I went back to work, I had a friend tell me that i had uncompleted work from before vacation. I said, it was done…well she didn’t believe me because her computer had my work on it, too. See, I worked with a team of case managers who had access to each other’s cases. That in itself is too much info. Anyway, i told her she could look at my computer to see it was done…she would not & said well you know the boss checks that too. Well, my radar was up & i was very anxious that the boss will now think i did not finish. Well, the boss did call me on the carpet about it and I told her it was done…she did not believe me either, so i also said to look on the computer and she did and said it was not done. Well i was shocked and said that it is done on my computer, which was the truth. I was defensive but when i get accused my back goes up & i’m in survival mode or I break down. I never found out if that co-worker said something to her or she found out by checking into it herself. I wanted to believe that my co-worker did not rat me out, since we were suppose to be friends. Anyway, work went down hill from there. Another co-worker complained to the boss about me being nasty to one of our client’s family member, so again i was questioned. I was not nasty but i said no to the famiy member, which she did not like. Anyway, I was working with this company for almost 8 years & it was not until this new boss came along, that I started to fall apart. I did have animosity towards her, because she was not nice to me. The next thing that happened is that, she told me she did not like the way I handled a work case/situation. Even though it was a very difficult situation with a client & family. Most people in my shoes would have felt the same. The only thing that she disliked was that I showed emotion- i teared up when i was accused of not responding to a client’s family issue. I actually said “I’m not on trial here” and then i proceeded to tell the family all the work that i did provide for the client. Well, when i went back to my new boss’s office, she ripped into me after i told her the family was dysfunctional. She did not support me in this difficult situation. I felt so knocked down. I never had a boss yell at me before. I was in tears, which i held back. That night I called a friend co-worker for support- she said I sounded “very insecure”. That’s like putting salt in my wound!…She was my so called friend(same friend as above). I fell apart & told her about the boss’s treatment towards me. She just ended up appeasing me & that was the end of our one sided conversation….
The next day at work, my friend approached me & asked me to walk to the bathroom with her. She told me that i sounded like i was going to have a nervous breakdown, well in reality i was & i said, yes i probably am. i needed someone to hear me- i couldn’t stop crying. She hugged me & told me to take some time off. I did not even think of that as an option, and agreed because she suggested it. I could not think for myself at that point. My husband was no help & thought I was being too emotional. Anyway, i went to my boss’s office & ended up sobbing & asking for time-off- she did agree…i was a mess & i felt even more ashamed for sobbing.
Well, long story short, i called my Psychiatrist & told her about my anxiety with my boss and she wrote a medical letter to HR. I ended up taking 8 weeks LOA. Well the drama was not over, this same friend called me & told me not to come back to work because the boss is “going to nail me” because i took too much time off…Well, i said it was a “medical leave”, which depression/anxiety is a disease. She knew something that i didn’t. Well, with this info on my mind, I go back to work and my boss dumps more work on me- work that I needed to complete, when i was out on LOA. Come to find out there was “missing pieces” to my work. I was shocked because i was a hard worker & responsible. Anyway, i agreed to complete it & signed a work plan, all the while feeling betrayed & anxious. Well, needless to say I felt harassed by her. I was never treated this way before & did not understand why she had to be mean to me. I know bosses can put the pressure on, but I had a good track record & always got good evaluations. Well, she said things like “why do you have trouble getting your work done before vacation?…well mind you, i had close to 90 clients on my caseload & the job was demanding. I also, took work home. Anyway, i told her that I have “Clinical Depression”- first time i told a boss this, which was the reason for my medical leave. She actually told me my depression is an “excuse”…I said, “I never use that as an excuse but it is a reason”…then i disclosed that i was on meds that were not working. Anyway, that did not buy me any sympathy. I was not manipulating the system!…I was being honest!…So much for honesty….she said other things like “your always in turmoil” and kept putting more work on me- it was never enough….I did complete the work that she piled on me & kept up with my regular work…I was a trooper with fortitude!…Anyway, i got finally got fed up with her riding me hard, that i resigned….I thought of part-time work there, but there were no positions available & i was too scared to report her to HR because of retaliation on her part. She could say or do anything in her office. I felt unsafe around her and when I gave my notice, she said “What will you do?” in a demeaning voice. That was the last slap & i told her there are other jobs out there and my kids need me…Oh, she even had a reply for that, “They will need you more when they are older”…she knew i had young kids in elementary school!…I did end up reporting her to HR in my exit interview because of her behavior & I wanted them to know she was the main reason i left. This time I was sobbing to HR. Well again, HR tells me if they knew, they would have sat down with both of us…I really don’t think that would have mattered- this BULLY BOSS would of denied everything… She was a WOLF in SHEEP’s clothing…As it was, i had her pegged, I filed for unemployment, due to “undue pressure” and faced her in a hearing with a state mediator who would determine my approval. Well, i was very anxious & in fighting mode!…and you know what, she denied saying my depression was an excuse…of course she would, because that would be discrimination!…It was her word against mine….I now know, i could of had a hang man file of dates & times she made nasty comments towards me & a lawyer…..Unfortunately, i had neither and I did not get unemployment compensation- they thought I could of done more to keep my job…Well not under those circumstances!…It was already a demanding job and put a nasty boss in the mix and it’s toxic!…I felt relief being out of there, although I had a depressive episode & grieved the loss of that job. I gave up a good paying job with benefits. On top of that, my husband says, “you should of had her fire you & then you could of collected” that is so besides the point!…I wanted to leave on my terms…i needed to feel in control of the situation!…It was a hard decision but the RIGHT decision in my book!….No job is worth my Mental Health!…Sorry for running on this long- I was triggered by this post and thought of this unfortunate event..Now, I’m a stay at home mom who works from home part-time….I do not miss the rat race!….Say La Vie!


Sorry for the above post being hard to read….I could of broken it up into paragraphs for easier reading. I’ll do better next time….


I had a similar case of harassment only mine was from a coworker. I worked 12 hour weekend shifts and every weekend when I returned, my name tag wud b missing from my mailbox. She cussed me out and threw charts at me. Going to mgt served no purpose because by that time I too was a basket case in front of them. They ended up viewing me as the troublemaker. They said there was no way to prove she was doing these petty, yet hurtful acts. I ended up quitting too. I did it over the phone after my boss was completely insensitive and essentially saying I was causing trouble. I was tearful, which made me seem weak in their eyes. I loved my job too, and thot I would retire from there. All in a 5 minute phone conversation, it was over, just like that! Even though it was my decision, I was devastated and mourned the loss of the job immensely. Mostly I was hurt because I was of so little value to them, even though my track record was excellent as well, and I would publicly sing their praises if the establishment came up in conversation. My loyalty did nothing but hurt me in the end. Those are such painful situations. They are corporate giants in the healthcare world. Their greed bleeds through in their lack of compassion, even for patients. The whole place makes me sick to think of now…..and I mourned the loss for a year or more. But, I’ve never ever regretted it! Peace surround u always!
With love,


Thanks for sharing this story! This is exactly what I am talking about. Some people will do anything to be “over top of” someone else. (just like in Mimi’s response too) I want to tell you this; when I went through the process and took my life back, the stronger I got and the more truth I faced, the more I took my power back. I agree that no job is worth losing your mental health and if you think about it, this happens in family systems all the time too…and we are faced with very similar issues there. We live in a pecking order system and I learned to refuse to accept it.
Yay for breaking free from that system!
Hugs, Darlene


Hi everyone!!
Okay, just to clarify, I was typing on my phone in bed and dozing off in my last post. It certainly shows!! 🙂

I have had to evaluate how much loyalty I’ve given in the past, even to family, or at least how much weight my loyalty holds. I’m a pretty fiercely loyal person. I realized in 2011 that even family doesn’t deserve it. I think the job situation I talked about above was painful because I was very loyal to them. In my mind, of course they would be to me. NOT SO!! But, that was in 2004, so I’m well past it now. It has been a painful hurdle over the past year with my family though. Because I choose someone or a group of someones, does not mean they choose me. Tough to come to that reality. And, MIGHTY tough when it’s your own blood family. It’s sad.
Love to all,


Thanks Darlene & Mimi for your feedback and validation!…It was hard to share my above story, because it brought back sadness & anger. However, I am able to share it now, without fear of judgement or me falling apart! Yay!!…. I realize the system I worked in, was not healthy. There was a “Pecking Order”, as Darlene mentioned.

Your also right Mimi, I was also very loyal to the company. It was similar to my dysfunctional family system. My loyalty was not appreciated. I still have some loyalty towards my family, but I’ve learned to set limits & boundaries. I see more clearly now, that my mom’s put downs & pushy behavior is responsible for my damage and my old bully female boss reminded me of her! Our subconscious minds are so programmed to connect the familiar patterns in our family, with others we relate to in life. It is hard work to reprogram the mind to see better ways but I’m doing it…day by day because I am worth it!…I will not define myself by how my family treats me…I deserve better than what they give, which is limited support anyway. Even as I write this, I’m careful of my words, because I’m so used to being the diplomat, so I don’t hurt anyone’s feelings! Even though my feelings were discarded in so many ways.

I’m standing up for myself now, and calling family on their behavior- I did just that with my brother, this past Holiday. He did not give my kids presents. Every year, my brother & I leave presents for each other’s kids, at my mom’s house. Well, this year was the first year, he did not. He did not say anything about it either. I did not know what to make of it, because I sent him a Christmas card & left his kids presents.

The thing that hurt the most, was the fact that he gave my sister’s kids presents! What message does that send!!! Anyway, I waited about a week, after the Holidays to see if he would contact me, but nothing. So, I contacted him in writing. I was afraid I would lose my cool with him in person and I don’t trust his wife.

Anyway, I basically told him, that I did not understand why he excluded my kids and gave my sister’s kids something. I did not attack him personally or call him names! Well you would of thought that I attacked him, because he told me how demeaning & insulted that HE was, because he was going to plan to get together, after the Holidays. Well, how was I suppose to know that! He never mentioned anything about it to me, before, during or after Christmas. I don’t buy it!…he was only trying to look good, after the fact. So, he choose not to see us and sent my kids their presents by mail.

This was very hurtful, since my kids are not to blame for this & he wanted me to tell my son, that the cousins will not get together. Well I was livid!…I told him that was HIS DECISION and i would not tell my son that! It’s hard to deal with how my family treats me & now it is being done to my kids!…I spoke to my mommy dearest who actually said to me, “Maybe it’s the way you said it” and “Don’t let it bother you so much, he is probably not thinking about it now”….Well what kind of comfort is that!..She made no attempt to validate my feelings!

Needless to say, I continue to get hurt that I’m so close to cutting my ties with my family!..I would appreciate any supportive feedback or similar stories?…I continue to be a glutton for punishment and I don’t want my kids to continue to pay the price for my Dysfunctional Family! Sincerely, SMD


I do not have children, but I have a godchild who visits a lot and has come to know my mother as her grandmother. She loves her grandma. In the interest of not depriving her at age 6, I allow her to contact grandma when she’s here. I suppose when she’s older, I will explain some of the strains between myself and my mother. I haven’t thought that out very thoroughly at all though. My mom is very good to her. It serves to feed the glory she searches for. I can’t offer any similar stories besides that. This is such fragile territory. I have thought to myself, I don’t know what I would do if I had kids going through this as well. I would hope I would remove myself from the equation and put their interests above mine or my mothers. Sorry I can’t be more help. I wish you and your kids the best and wisdom for you as a mother.


What your brother did IS very hurtful and seems like he is putting the kids in the middle. Something that helped me a lot with family when it came to the kids was looking at things through the eyes of “how do I show them relationship?” If I put up with crap and let manipulation slide (or take the blame for what someone else messed up or cover up for someone else) then I communicate that I am not worthy of better and also that this is how relationship “works”. When it doesn’t work. When I first started to stand up for myself my kids cringed! They hated how uncomfortable that it was for everyone! They grew up in a dysfunctional system but for them it was “normal”. I had to persist with living in the truth for several years before the kids started to get used to the new system and appreciate it for how much easier it actually is! My kids recognize the pecking order system now too and don’t want to live within it. It has been an amazing process!
Hugs, Darlene


Thanks Mimi & Darlene for you supportive feedback! I do feel like I’m rocking the boat per say with my family but I’m not willing to overlook every mean thing that happens. Darlene thanks for validating that what my brother did is very hurtful…in my old way of thinking i would of thought i was being too sensitive & I would have overlooked his wrong doing but, now it not just about me. My kids are put in the middle and that is where i draw the line!..anyway, my son did ask why his uncle sent presents by mail a week after Christmas. My first instinct was to cover it up but I decided to tell him the truth that I called his uncle on not having presents on Christmas for him & his sister. He was surprised & when I told him that his uncle choose not to get together, he said that was harsh…yes…he gets it!…I don’t want to hurt my kids feelings, but they need to know the truth that my family relationship is not ok and there is a better way! I also don’t want my kids hating their uncle for this but they don’t have to like what he did!….Thanks for listening….Sincerely, SMD


I had so many fears etc around this stuff when it came to my kids. I thought they “deserved” to have aunts, uncles and grandparents, even if those people treated me like nothing right in front of the kids…(which sends a message to them about me and how I am willing to be treated) today instead of saying that I don’t want my kids to “hate” certain people, I say I want my kids to LOVE the truth. (and recognize it) so when there is manipulation etc. I dont want them to see that as “normal”. I want them to see all people the way they are through the grid of truth. That they (my kids) are not beneath anyone either and I HAVE to be the example of that for them. I have to live this boundary. (and I do and it has made a huge difference to my kids!)
Hugs, Darlene


Darlene and SMD,
I’m so happy to read this conversation. Although I don’t have kids, I do have the Godchild I spoke of. Darlene, you always have such amazing solutions. I know I’ll need to refer back to this when the situation presents itself again, since mother and I aren’t speaking.

This discussion did bring a huge question to mind though. How do you handle it when both the child and the offender want to see each other, and the only thing preventing it is you? I understand the part about not covering up for people, as in SMD’s case. I agree that telling the truth is the best solution when the abusers start dragging the kids into it. My mother has that sneaky thing in her that tries to WIN over the grandkids and my Godchild. She tries to out do my sisters in many ways. She offers things to their kids without asking my sisters first, knowing the kids will be dying to take her up on it. Then my sisters have to be the bad guys if they don’t give in. So premeditated!! Once she asked my oldest sisters 3 daughters to fly somewhere for a day with her, without asking my sister first. Her youngest was 9 at the time. That’s pretty young in my opinion, to make flight plans without speaking to the parents first. I just don’t know how I would handle that, but like I said above, she’s very good to my Godchild. The only thing standing between them is me, if/when I do. Any suggestions on how to handle the “one-up” kind of family member?


It depends on the age of the child.
Around the age of 16 or 17 my daughter still wanted to communicate with her grandfather, my father. I decided that she could make her own choice but I was intitled to mine too. She asked if he could come to her high school grad. I said yes, but he can’t stay with us. (I told this to my father, I did not ask my daughter to tell him for me) We had a fight but I explained to her that my whole life my father had not aknowledged me and that I had decided that I had had enough of having to be reminded of that. I told her that if he wanted to come, he could make his own arrangements. He didn’t.
In the case of when my children were younger, as the parent, I have the right to make any and all decisions. I had to take that right and own it. It is MY responsibility to make sure my kids are safe and that includes emotionally. This is not a simply answered question.
Hugs, Darlene


p.s. Mimi
If you do not have custody of the godchild then why can’t HER mother or parents make these arrangements for her to see your mother?
Hugs, Darlene


It’s a very complicated story. The short version ~ My Godchild spent the first five months of life in the hospital (mostly). When she came home, I was her nurse and spent 12 hour days with her. Her young mother failed to bond and even resented her because of the extra care she needed. She never held her or touched her. I, without children, fell in love with this baby. Being in their home, we had nothing but time to play, snuggle, and ultimately bond. Their homelife was one of poverty, abuse, alcohol, etc. I had gained enough trust by the mother that she allowed me to take the baby home when things were really bad with the bio father (the drunk). Not only that, but she didn’t want to take care of her anyway. After a few years, she didn’t need nursing care anymore. She continued to come stay with us though. One time it was almost the whole summer. My family accepted her as one of us. Anyhow, my relationship with the mother was very very delicate. I’ve had to be very cautious in all respects in order to keep the relationship ongoing. She has had many boyfriends, has three kids now, and has abused and neglected my Godchild. The mom was under constant observation by the dept of children’s services for a couple years, turned in by many people, including a doctor. Despite all investigations, every allegation was deemed unfounded. I even turned in an ex boyfriend of hers based on things my Godchild told me. It too was unfounded. (useless protective services in our area).

Anyhow, my mother, in the interest of being a hero, always asked if she could turn the mother in, without giving thought to what might happen to my Godchild if she did. At least the way it was, I knew I could provide some love and reprieve for her. If she were taken from her mom, she might be separated from her siblings, and placed into an even worse foster situation. Then, none of us could help her. All this considered, when she was being observed by protective services so often, I asked her to make me the girl’s godparent in case she was taken from her home. Her mom agreed. My mom has continued to talk about turning her in. She’s never met the mother and her only contact with my Godchild has been through me. I have kept it that way because my mom doesn’t understand the dynamics and caution I have to employ in order to make sure the girl can still come here. My mom’s an idiot. She doesn’t get it. She doesn’t use any forethought when she talks about turning in the mother. The facts are, she has been turned in multiple times, and nothing ever came of it. My mother turning her in would make no heavier impact, and only serve to threaten my relationship with her, and hers too. Her only interest is in being a hero and announcing it to everyone she knows. Very shallow!!

So, that sums it up. I don’t tell my mom phone numbers, or other personal information about my Godchild’s mom, because she does not exercise good judgment surrounding her. I won’t let my mom blow it for her own selfishness.
Peace and love,


Does this mean that if you told your mother she could not see the girl (for whatever reason) that your mother might “do something” that you don’t like? I still don’t understand why you have to let your mother see her… or is it that you think it is in the best interest of your god child if she continues to see your mother??
Hugs, Darlene


I don’t think I “have” to let her see my mother. When I go get her though, its always one of the first things she asks. “can I go see grandma”. If I say she’s working, she asks to go to her office, etc. THIS is where the problem lies. I hope this clears it up. I didn’t make that part clear before.


A few days ago my mom asked me in front of my children why I was eating in the kitchen instead of in the living room with the rest of the family. (I was hiding, actually.) She asked, “Is it so no one else can see how much you eat?” My dd pointed at her underhand and said, “Mom!” and I lifted my hand a little bit off the arm of the chair I was sitting in to tell her to calm down. My mother witnessed the exchange and I think maybe even she’s got the message that she can’t put me down anymore, at least in front of someone else, without people thinking badly of her, which is one of the things a narcissist doesn’t want happening. It was good.


This is a great example of how some people will undermine others.. and when they go unwarned, it gets worse and worse. Good for you for not letting it go unnoticed!
Thanks for sharing! Hugs, Darlene


This was a very valuable posting for me and very timely. As I was working with my counsellor the other day, he asked me how I celebrated my successes and I had no answer for him. I told him that I didn’t celebrate anything–not birthdays, did not attend my own graduations, awards ceremonies, etc. I lost my ability to celebrate the milestones in my life because I let the continuous put-downs from my mother suck the joy out of any event. So, I am working with my counsellor to find ways that will enable me to feel deserving of praise for my accomplishments. I look forward to the journey to come!


Hi Victoria
I had a huge issue with self aknowledgement too. I didn’t know how and I didn’t WANT to do it either. finding out what the roots to this one was really helped me to move forward.
Thanks for sharing! keep me posted!
Hugs, Darlene


So much of this article had a familiar ring to me. I’m just now coming out of that toxic mother/daughter fog that has plagued me my whole life. That endless toxic cycle: Mother wanted me to feel bad about myself so I’d be easier for her to control. Telling me I was “too sensitive” or since I was over-reacting so strongly I must be feeling guilt, shutting down any attempt from me to defend myself. My bosses could see my timidity and feelings of low self-worth and took advantage of that by sticking me with the dirty-work tasks and low pay. Boyfriends that shamed me into doing things I was uncomfortable with and on and on.

I LOVE your statement… “There is freedom on the other side of broken.” I will look at this every day 🙂

Recently, I had taken photos of paintings I’d done and took them to show my mother at the Assisted Living facility she resides at. (Another feeble attempt at winning her praise and approval.) Her back-handed comments were… “YOU did these??!!!” as if I couldn’t possibly have done anything that was good. And “You’re a much better artist now than you used to me. There’s no comparison.” So, even though she was praising my current work, she was still slamming me, as if to say, you were never a very good artist.

I’m finally learning to laugh at her version of a compliment for me, because she needs to put me down any way she can. I understand now that it’s just her way of getting back at her mother (I remind her of her mother in some ways) and her need to feel superior and all powerful. And even in her old age, with dementia and declining physical health, she still needs to bring me down.

The healing process can begin once we recognize their motives and understand that our feelings have validity.


Hi Drained
Exactly. As long as we are weak, they are stronger. And yes.. this continues into the rest of our lives. I had bosses like that, and boyfrineds like that and “friends” like that. I thought love was doing and being what they wanted.
My mother and my grandmother both did this backwards compliment thing. I don’t think that my healing process began with my understanding of my abusers and oppressors though… it began when I started to validate me and no longer believed the definitions of invalid, not good enough and unworthy that THEY put on me. For me, healing had to do with self love.
Thank you for sharing
Hugs, Darlene


Darlene, Thank you for your reply. Yes, I do have a ways to go and feeling self-love and validation is not completely here yet, but understanding the “why” of my mother’s actions was a huge step for me and I think will put me on the path to healing.

Long ago, I never made the connection that my mother was venting her anger towards her mother on me because I didn’t see any similarity to my grandmother. On closer observation, and thinking over past events, I see now some traits I share with my grandmother (sensitivity, fear, anxiety issues and the physical problems that came with that)that my mother viewed with such contempt and disdain in her upbringing, when I exhibited some of those traits, it brought out her repressed anger and resentment. I didn’t see the similarities because my grandmother was much more dramatic and self-pitying. She would put her head down on the table and wail “This is the beginning of the end!!!!” She shed lots of tears and often proclaimed “Oh, how I SUFFER!” Imagine growing up with that every day. I understand my mother’s contempt for her, but do not accept her taking out this anger on me.

Seeing these articles and posts both saddens and comforts me. It’s so sad and maddening to see how many of us of all ages are hurting from dysfunctional parents, but comforting to know we are not alone and not imagining our painful feelings.

In this society, we are damned if we don’t honor and worship our mothers no matter how they treated us, so we have to deal with that added burden, which is why I kept quiet about my mother’s behavior for so many years. Those with the warm, fuzzy mothers just wouldn’t understand.


I totally relate to “both dad and comforting”. And about society, that is why we all kept quiet! exactly (and in my case I was taught to keep quiet, it was the skewed definition of loyalty, love and respect). I don’t reall care about that anymore. I am free and whole and living a full and wonderful productive life! (which I never thought would be possible for me!)
Hugs, Darlene


I really identified my mother and older brother (her golden boy so I’ll call him GB) in the bubble bursting thing.
Mom: Oh I don’t know what to think about your illustrated book, I want you to show it to GB and see what he thinks.
GB: I like the perspective on this one painting. But you do realize that getting a book published is nearly impossible and highly competitive.

Mom: GB, your sister scored really high on the SCAT. Her guidance counselor says we really need to be thinking about college for her, we payed for your college, what do you think?
GB: Mom,University is hard work. I just don’t think sister has the stamina to stick to it, and it would be a waste of money for you and Dad.

Mom: Your sister just started teaching college. (After paying my own way thru college and working hard for many
years in a medical science career)
GB: She always could step in shit and come out smelling like a rose.

GB to my daughter: Congrats on completing your second degree and your Masters. As the intellectual of the family, I wanted you to know I am proud of you. (He is a high school art teacher.)

Me: Mom! I was elected as varsity cheerleader!
Mom: Oh no! I won’t have to pay for uniforms will I? Will you have a ride to games and practices?

Me: Mom! I got the lead in the school play!
Mom: Well, I hope you don’t expect me to come see it, I am too tired after work.

Me: Mom! I won the school wide spelling bee!
Mom: Well don’t let it go to your head. Does that mean I’ll have to take you to the county spelling bee, or can your teacher take you?

I could go on and on, but you get the gist…


These are excellent examples. Thank you for sharing these, they really help shed light on what goes on and help others come out of that “fog”
So many of these ring a bell for me too.
Thanks! Hugs, Darlene


Sometimes I think I’ll just never get better. If things go wrong, I automatically feel that I am at fault. This really gets into your head (conditioning from childhood) and infiltrates your whole life….I have to do a lot of self talk to break out of the “funk” daily! Never having praise, I feel guilty or unworthy when I do get a little or dare to feel proud of an accomplishment. I have no friends and my family (of origin) except for one daughter, do not talk to me. This is probably a blessing as I usually am completely depressed whenever I have talked on the phone to my mother especially.
However, my husband is my only friend. I need to get counseling, but do not trust anyone, frankly. Pastors, unfortunately, have been the worst, yet I continually have faith and pray a lot. I can really relate to the comment here and what I call “left handed” compliments. Holiday times are the worst for me and I pray for them to be over. I wonder how people deal with all of the ‘family activities around them and survive!
I do get comfort from knowing others are experiencing and have experienced some of the same situations that I have. As they say, you can’t know unless you have “walked a mile in my shoes”.


Hi Julie
I know sometimes it feels so overwhelming, but little by little I got better. Little by little I saw the truth that it wasn’t always my fault and little by little the truth set me free.
hang in there!
Hugs, Darlene


A new rant related to the content in this article ~
[…] Because he was so nice? Because he wanted them to be comfortable and happy while visiting us? What was her intention for telling me that? If I had told him what she said he might not have served her hand and foot (like the well trained […]



Wow, this sounds like my father to a T.
I agree with Darlene that your comments are helpful in coming out of the fog (though to hear so many people say “they did the best they could” “they love you even though they hurt you” “they don’t know any better because they don’t understand/had a bad childhood/have ADHD”)

What is crazy is that as I’ve gotten older, my parents tell me I can’t do something after I have already gotten proof of acceptance!

When I got into college, my parents spent a lot of time telling me I wasn’t “ready” because of my “mental health”. I was already accepted! Also I had nowhere to live, and no job! I wasn’t welcome at home, so they seemed to want me to be homeless. They also put unrealistic expectations about grades/units, and most of all money to be earned (I was expected to earn $20,000 a year while getting close to a 4.0 at one of the top 50 schools in the US while overcoming PTSD).
I know if my aunt hadn’t stepped in to tell me I could do it and provide financial support I would be a prostitute by now. That sounds extreme, but I came very close to that last summer, and I know it’s the truth.

Even with her support, my father told me that I should be too ashamed to accept help, the he didn’t get any financial support in college (he got financial aid, and college was $500 a semester, not $30,000 a year). It took convincing from her boyfriend for me to believe I was worth “taking money” as my father calls it. She calls it a gift, which it is, when from her. From my father, money is more of an assault.

I remember getting fired from my waitressing job due to bullying, and going without telling them to get a modeling job, as I couldn’t imagine any other way to pay for college/make $20,000. They couldn’t believe that Ford told me I had potential. They were closing there SF office and I was terrified of having to live with an abusive drug dealer and go onto food stamps again. I wasn’t healthy at ‘model weight’, but my father didn’t care. I thought it was that he wanted money, but now I see he liked my groveling and crying- if he met my needs I might become independent and healthy!

I almost went to New York.
My father said there was “New York is more competitve so you have no idea if you’d make it”. I never said I would! But I got encouragement already and was desperate! What a shitty thing to say to someone who is scared, broke, and insecure already. It’s like, how do you even know? He was making sure I could not succeed in any way- school, financial, etc. He pretends to feel so bad and even volunteers with sexual assault programs after finding out I was molested. Everyone thinks he’s good, but it is scary how much he has in common with the guy who molested me-
The guy who molested me went to “Take back the night” for rape survivors.
My dad and he both said “It feels like I’m missing an arm” when I went NC.
I had to change my phone number when I went NC in both cases.

And yet my dad insists that all the trauma is caused by this guy! That he is good! And because he is wealthy and a fantastic liar, everyone believes him. Honestly, I do often too.
I am sick with self doubt and numbness as I write this. I felt I was coming out of the fog, but my therapist just kept trying to explain his behavior. I know she means well, but it’s getting to the point where I have to convince her of what he did. God I despise him.

Anyway, convincing someone has real physical, mental, social, psychological and financial consequences. It’s essentially killing someone.

I hate it- if nothing he says is truth, why do I believe him?


Correction: Above, I meant convincing someone that they cannot do anything has serious consequences!


Hi- I forgot to subscribe, to follow up comments, so I have to recomment!!


I am seeing my upbringing, parents and myself in a new light like never before. I think I was a threat to my father growing up because I was a very intelligent and confident girl. I knew I was good at academics right from a young age because I could see that I grasped concepts easily and always topped my class with minimal effort.

I guess that recognition (from the age of 5 years) gave me a lot of self-confidence. I knew I had a gift. People commented how independent I was right from a young age. I think this threatened my father because he was of the opinion that girls/women were inferior to boys/men and could not digest the fact that I was more intelligent than him. That threatened his status as a man ( his only value and esteem came from being a man, not his achievements, not his sense of self).

I don’t think me acting as if I was the next best thing the world has witnessed sat well with him. I was a kid so I could be forgiven for acting like that (but kids are always the nest best things in the world, aren’t they?). A healthy parent would see that as part of growing up and lovingly guide the child but this guy who fathered me was far from being healthy.

He did not like the fact that a girl could be so assertive and independent, be her own person. Now he hasn’t got anything else going for him and naturally I was a threat. I used to hear the occasional snide comments passed by him through my mother that I thought too highly of myself and wasn’t as intelligent as I thought I was. Those comments used to hurt me but the problem was that I could not put a finger on them why they hurt because he never said those to my face. He acted nice to me and I bought it hook, line and sinker.

I have to forgive myself now because I was only a child and cannot be expected to know people’s psychology. He even went to the extent of saying there were a couple of other boys in my class that were more intelligent than I thought I was and he coached them (he was a Maths teacher). I hated being taught by him because I was already quicker than he was at solving mathematical stuff and discovered more than one way of solving problems. I quite enjoyed doing that and I knew I did not need anyone else to teach me do that. I would ask if I needed help. I did not need being condescended to.

I would argue with him that women were not inferior and are powerful beings should they decide to be so. I guess I was very good at logical arguments and spoke my mind when I needed to. My biological father, on the other hand, could not compete with my articulation and he nodded “yes! you are right” in agreement. Little did I know at the time that he was just trying to get off the hook but was plotting something else behind my back.

I formed an impression of my biological father as a good-natured, gentleman with sound value system. In my little girl’s brain, I inherited those values from him and looked up to him. I could not comprehend that those values were mine alone and not necessarily passed down the genetic line. I still do not know where I got those values from as a young child when the adults surrounding me had different ones. I drew the logical conclusion, as a child, that I derived them from my father. There was no reason to think otherwise because he agreed with my argument.

Now I realise why I was such a threat to him and why he never liked me but did not dare show it to me.


This is SO TRUE and for ME!
My family NEVER acknowledged ALL I did!
I just kept achieving and achieving far beyond them, and they ignore it 100% like it never happened, meant nothing and was totally insignificant!

I came home after 13 years with about 200-300 newspaper articles and interviews on me about my mission in newspapers from various countries, and do you THINK my family even READ 1 OF THEM???! Or even PERUSED THROUGH THEM??? NOT ON YOUR LIFE!! Not even my ‘mother’!!!

I just recently realized these people have SERIOUS PSYCHOLOGICAL ISSUES! They have been JEALOUS of ME and HATED ME ALL OF THEIR LIVES! NOW, it is CLEAR to me that my ‘mother’ turned them onto the HATRED part to back her up!

I just stay away from them but let them SEE my accomplishments.. not that ANYONE comments on it at all! But yes, I suppose, one becomes SO NUMB with the pain that they just can’t even REACT to them anymore.

For instance, get this: I was in the third world on my mission and was being set up by some evil force I exposed. The guy got me thrown in jail as he warned me he would do but his trick didn’t work to get me a criminal record and get me deported as he planned, as I rely soley and wholly on God! And my own family did NOT EVEN HELP ME OUT of that mess, thinking I was a criminal, con-artist, did something wrong, deserved it… Actually, I KNOW WHAT IT WAS and finally SAW IT CLEARLY!

It was THEIR WAY of saying: “I GOTTCH’YA!” They were SO INSIDIOUSLY JEALOUS all of their lives for all the recognition I received and honours, and popularity and travels worldwide, they thought NOW, they can FINALLY GET UP OVER ME and REVEL in their VICTORY!

They are VERY SICK!

I called my mother for Christmas and she was just crying over the phone. She was SO BROKEN. But honestly, I can’t even DEAL with her!

To go home and to even THINK of hugging and kissing them is virtually without ANY LOGIC! It makes NO SENSE at ALL! I don’t know HOW I will greet them.

I keep seeing in my mind’s eye, my ‘mother’ hugging me, but I can’t respond. I am just NOT A PHARISEE to PLAY their game!

Even when she says: “I love you”, I haven’t the FOGGIEST NOTION WHAT she means or WHY she bothers to say it!

I don’t understand them and consider them some low-life monsters and want nothing to do with them. They CANNOT ENTER my nucleus.

I realized I was ALWAYS ANXIOUS around them ALL OF MY LIFE!I am JUST NOT COMFORTABLE BEING with them as ALL they do is GOSSIP behind my back, pretend, act, are very SNY… and yet, they have NOTHING GREAT they have accomplished at all: they JUST , JUST PRETEND . . .


and so, they’ve lived a lifetime….

HOW will they give an account at the Last Judgment?… I know….

I shall make my one comment and one comment only to call them to repentance, for THEIR SAKE, as they could do NOTHING to CORRECT all their wrongs with me.

Neither my ‘mother.
I don’t even consider her my ‘mother’.

She has NEVER ONCE shown me AFFECTION,
has taken EVERY opportunity to show me her hatred, while CAREFULLY HIDING IT from everyone else, so they don’t get ‘on to her’,
has NEVER been understanding or supportive,
only condemnacious and spiteful.

Really a sad being.

She also asked me to LEAVE the house last time I visited!

I didn’t even LISTEN to her, but just STARED at her!

So, WHY EVEN BOTHER TO VISIT or call them on Easter or Christmas? Makes no sense! Those feast days are for CHRISTIANS, not those going to hell!

Makes NO SENSE at all!

They should be CALLING ME to congratulate and greet me, not ME THEM! That is just SHEER NONSENSE!

These people are ALL THE SAME as the devil TAUGHT THEM ALL HIS SAME TRICK!

They are of ONE BREED, cut of the same cloth.




… Am reading through these posts,
and see another similarity.

I, too, went back to school (university) and needed my mother to co-sign for a loan for me, and she, too, REFUSED!

I think she could actually be JEALOUS of me
as I just kept doing SO MUCH in my life, am SO ADVENTUROUS, tried SO MANY THINGS, travelled to SO MANY countries, received SO MANY awards and recognition, spoke before MASS AUDIENCES, have been the subject of documentaries, and am very popular with the people who know my work.

SHE has NEVER SAID A THING ABOUT IT, only complains, and my whole family THINKS they have something to ADVISE ME ON, and CONSULT ME about when they are CLUELESS about my work, and have never done DIDDLY SQUAT in that domain!

JUST SHEER NONSENSE, but they ALL UPHOLD each other,
forming some CULT, where they just seek to recruit NEW MEMBERS!

Honestly… they are SO SICK and SO HELLBOUND

I just stay away from them and don’t give them the time of day!



And Love & Support to ALL!


When I finished my finals in high school in 2012, I got an overall score of 75 (And with Australia’s bonus points system, that boosted it up to allow me to gain entry into International Studies), which at first was a little bit disappointing as I was expecting a high 80 at the very most, but when my Mom found out she was like: “You can still get into University right? I mean the score isn’t that bad.”

It felt uplifting to hear such words from Mom, but Dad on the other hand (this guy is clearly vying for Father of the Year for the amount of suffering I have had to endure from him) was where it felt like his words were converted into a “dagger” that pierced right into the heart. When he found out he was like, along with the accompanying signature death stare said: “75? You probably rushed your exams.” From his words, I couldn’t help but think about the following scenarios:

(I) He basically defined my worth based on the score I achieved

Well when you’re in an Asian family, of course expectations are bound to be high. I was just starting to feel good, when this man decides to shoot me down. What felt worse was this. When I told my cousin about the study group that I joined in order to prepare for my finals (really great environment where I got to stress out alongside my new friends whilst studying), my Dad decides to butt in and when I told him: “I was just telling my cousin about the study centre I joined and how it helped to ease out my exam stress. To which he responded: “But you didn’t even get a high mark anyway so why bother?” (I also felt that he thinks I was ought to sabotage my cousin by the time he does his finals, by talking about the said study centre). It really felt clear to me then that my father would eye people whose scores are below what he apparently achieved during his time. (Fair enough that a 90 is good, but that doesn’t make a person less if they scored 50s)

(II) That I failed to be a sense of pride for him

Whenever my Dad would talk to family/friends back in the Philippines, he would always praise my younger sister for her intelligence and how she got it from my Mom yada yada. When he felt shocked about my rather “appalling score”, I felt a little bit down because I felt that I missed that “milestone” in my life. But then again I guess it could have been a blessing in disguise anyway, as he would have probably just flashed my high score to boost his ego. When my sister finished her finals this year and scored an 84, Dad basically pranced around the office and made it a hot topic to his co-workers and the talk continued when she got accepted in a prestigious technical University in Australia. (I admit I was jealous, although I am gradually starting to walk away from that competitive streak of mine, as I don’t want to lose my sister in the process, even if she’s the “golden child”)

(III) That he is “still living in the Philippines” when we are now clearly in Australia

In the Philippines the passing score for your subjects at school was 75, which probably resulted in his shock towards my score, even when I studied so hard for the exams (I probably should have studied “smarter” and not harder but oh well). What does that even have to do with anything? We are in Australia now, where a “low score” won’t mean that you will end up fending for yourself in a “dirty job”

So once upon a time, I graduated in high school, with a medallion, a couple of faculty awards as well as an overall score of 75 in my final exams, which even if a little bit disappointing still got me into University. The good news that was apparently “bad news” to the eyes of my father. (Who was apparently a gifted student due to the fact that there was a point in his life, where my paternal grandmother had to climb up the stage multiple times due to him receiving so many faculty awards). The same father who now claims, that he’s so proud of my achievements, when he was clearly the first person to shoot me down as well. Is hypocrite the right word to describe him in this situation? No, well I think it suits him nicely so hypocrite it is! You know what’s also funny? When I recommended the same study centre to my sister (prior to her finals), Dad was like in full control freak mode: “Do it!” Really Dad? The same study centre where I didn’t get my desired mark? Oh right I forgot she is your golden child, your protégé, someone from you could live your life vicariously (Heaven forbid) so naturally you thought that she would give studying in that centre more justice that I did.

If ever I become a father, at least I now know what I shouldn’t do! See my Dad can be a “role model!” Albeit not in the ways that I expected, but hey works for me!


This article brought up a very old memory. I was 15 and casually dating a guy from the other high school in my town. One night I attended a basketball game with my girlfriends and as we were leaving, a girl I only knew from classes walked up to me and said in a nasty tone “YOU have a boyfriend??” The emphasis on the word ” you” said it all. She didn’t think I deserved to have a boyfriend. I simply responded ” yes” but I remember feeling deep down inside that maybe there WAS something wrong with me and I didn’t have the right to have someone interested in me. Only much later on, I examined this closer, and realized that this girl was envious and was trying to put me down. I had to understand her motive to realize it was abou her and not about me at all. I also had to get past automatically accepting that there is something wrong with me when someone makes a mean comment.

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