Psychological, Physical, and Sexual Abuse WHY Questions


why do sex offenders abuse

Sometimes we get stuck on the “why’s” and the why questions. We can talk endlessly about what happened, we can realize that it was not our fault, we can face the pain of having been devalued, used, unprotected, powerless and disregarded, but the why questions still remain.

~Why did my mother seem to take pleasure in humiliating me?

~Why did my own mother publically tell men they could sleep with me? She even told my cousin that he could sleep with me because I was on the pill.  

~Why would an adult sexually molest a child?

~Why did my mother’s boyfriend come into my room when I was a young teen, and why didn’t my mother believe me? Why did she blame me?

~Why did my mother hit me with a belt and then say that she was going to give me something to cry about?

~Why didn’t my Dad do anything to protect me? Why didn’t he notice?

~Why did my teacher hate me and threaten me every day until I was too sick to go to school? Why didn’t my parents believe me when I told them?

Thanks to the Emerging from Broken facebook page readers for participating in this post. Here are some of the questions that came in from readers on our Facebook Page:

~“Why are churches so closed minded about sexual abuse? Why do they put programs in place to prevent abuse, but not put programs in place to help victims?”

~“Why is it that in churches they tell you that if you read your Bible and pray, all the things from the past sexual abuse will just go away. They think you don’t need counseling or anything; you just need to get over it. Why is that?”

~”Why are the accomplices (those who ignore or allow or even assist in the abuse or hiding the abuser) are not charged or punished in the case of sexual or domestic violence abuse. Maybe more would speak up if a precedent was set. I know a lot of these people were/are victims or survivors too, but that is no excuse not to protect your own child.”

~ “Why is it that you feel as though you have just told someone you were abducted by green aliens when you talk about being sexually abused? They look at you as though you just said something that only a delusional person would say. AND that you have the audacity to put them in a position of having to respond.”

And this last question along with a very personal comment; ~ “Why is it that sexual abuse is one of the most heinous crimes out there, but most of the abusers never serve a maximum sentence? My father got out on good behavior; of course he did! There are no children in prisons to molest so he was on his best behavior! “

These questions are really just a handful of the “why questions” that we all have when it comes to having been abused, hurt or devalued in any way.  Some “why questions” have possible answers but do they make us feel any better? When we hear that some people don’t care about their own children, but only their own selfish desires it only adds to the frustration that we already feel. Some why questions have no answers and sometimes the reason that we keep looking for answers is not just because we want so badly to understand but also because we believe that if we could understand that we would be able to move on. But think about that for a minute.

There is a danger in getting stuck on the WHY questions. Part of my victim mentality was made up of always seeking to understand others, and what that transferred into was that I made excuses for some of my abusers; there are as many excuses as there are abusers but really do any of the excuses help? I whispered in the dark to myself that my mother really did care, she just didn’t understand. I assured myself that my father didn’t know so he couldn’t do anything about it and that deep down he loved me as much as he loved my brother, it was just that he wasn’t interested in me because I was a girl and I assured myself that all fathers are this way. I told myself that some of my abusers were in an “altered state of mind” and really they just had no conscious clue what they were doing. I felt sorry for some of the women abusers that I had and told myself that surely they too had been abused and therefore it was not really their fault. I thought that I needed to try harder to “love” them and do what they wanted so that they would stop hurting me.

And as I have said so many times before I had been groomed and trained to believe that the reason that I was devalued is because I was not as valuable and because I deserved no better. I was convinced over time that I had done something; brought it on myself. I tried to understand my mother and I felt sorry for her, so I excused her behavior for many years and in excusing it, I allowed even more of it. I thought that if I found the reason “why” I could find the proof that really they did love me and then I could excuse them if only I understood. In reality, I was still looking to prove to myself that it really was my own fault or that I was still missing the “key” that would make them stop hurting me and start accepting me.

I had to let go of the why questions for a while. I had to in order to heal.

Today I still have why questions, but I also know that some questions don’t have answers and even more important than that, if there was an answer, it wouldn’t change anything, it would not make it alright, and it would not heal me.

Please feel free to add your own “why questions”,


33 response to "Psychological, Physical, and Sexual Abuse WHY Questions"

  1. By: Karen Posted: 2nd March

    Wow. I’ve done a lot of the healing process, but I saw something on a website that just jolted me. It was the National abuse hotline website and it said, “Often times, long term trauma results not from the abuse itself,but from lack of support, belief, or attention to the pain.” This is exactly where I am. WHY were the first words out of anyone’s mouth “WHat were you wearing? WHat did you do to cause it? WHat did you say?” The first and often ONLY words, were to blame ME. Wow.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 2nd March

      Hi Karen,
      I too have found that not being heard and not being believed or supported, and then being somehow blamed has been very very damaging.
      Gald you are here.. This whole blog is about this kind of stuff. Breaking through all the lies and exposing the real truth.
      Hugs, Darlene

  2. By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 25th July

    THANK YOU so much for posting this comment! Such a great summary. This is the kind of awareness of the truth that is necessary for us to stop that cycle. This is part of my healing too, to teach my family, my children (by example especially) how to have relationships with out demeaning, devaluing, hitting or overpowering.

    Thanks again, this is a powerful example of change in the cycle generational abuse.
    Hugs, Darlene

  3. By: Amelia FullOf Grace Posted: 25th July

    I spent most of my life angry with my mother because she “Should” have seen what her abusive husband was doing to her children. Should have protected us from his vicious outbursts that attempted to kill my sister twice. Which I could have… told her when I was raped at seven by a teenage neighbor.

    What I came to know is she did the best with her world view. She didn’t have the power to stop what was going on, and took the defense of buffering the abuse, and enabling him to be the douche he was/is. Did her best to protect the family “image” by teaching us to not share what was going on in our family. Which she learned from her mother, and her mother by her mother, and on and on and on. For the ripples of our family disease started generations ago. Now they have reached the shore, and crash violently to destroy the illusion.

    I am blessed with great inner strength, and determination to stop this dysfunctional way of life with me. By teaching my children how to interact as loving family, that does not physically and verbally abuse each other.

    Part of my healing now, is to help my family see how this past destruction can no longer be ignored and enabled. My family is still living in this illusion. Bleeding this illness into the next generation of our family. I’m doing my best to be an living example of compassion and loving conflict resolution.

    Ghandi said “be the change you wish to see in the world”

  4. By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 23rd July

    My heart goes out to you and your daughter. I don’t know why it is so often this way. It is so devaluing; a re-abuse really for both of you. But YOU believe her, and that is huge, possibly more huge then you realize. It is so fantastic for her that you are involved in her life and seeking support. That is what half this blog is about; if we were heard in the first place, if we were valued by someone in the first place, maybe the false belief system would not have grown the way that it did. It only take one person to make a really big difference and for your daughter, that one person is you.
    So much love and hugs, Darlene

  5. By: Christina Wing Posted: 23rd July

    I have a hard time with understanding why children’s stories of abuse are not heard and believed. My 8 year old daughter was molested by her father and it seemed like everyone was in denial. Saying that she or me is lying. It is not fair. Her story should be heard and believed. I feel like screaming! The DA’s office said that she couldn’t testify because it would be to traumatized. I am so sad and hope someday that Jesus voice will be loud enough in her to tell her story. Thanks to everyone on of you that shared and allowed us to be safe.

  6. By: Manuel Jones Posted: 23rd July

    Dear All,

    I was only making a commentary on the book of Job the way that I see the story unfold. To me it’s about getting away from religion and telling God exactly what we feel. When we do this, we find relief. We are all going to suffer in some way in this world. Right now, in my part of the world, there are major floods going on that have ripped entire towns apart. Some people have died because of this and now their relatives are suffering the loss. When we get fired unduly, we also suffer. When people don’t treat us as well as they ought to – we suffer. When I was sick a few days ago and am still sick – I’m suffering physical pain. I’ve suffered childhood trauma that I finally got over with many years of growing and understanding what had happened to me.

    I want to apologize to a certain extent for having brought up my view on this book here because the subject is the “Why of Suffering”
    I wasn’t trying to give every reason Why because that would be impossible for me to do just give my opinion on Job.

    I will say that much of the suffering that many of us have had is because someone else was abusive to us and that cannot be the will of God for anyone. Abuse is abuse and their is no excuse for it. That said, God gave every human being a free will. Some people with that free will can abuse of other people including children. I believe that now that I have some knowledge on what abuse is that I can choose to not become an abuser and I could also choose to help others in abuse prevention. This is still my choice. I still have a free will. God is not making me abuse anyone so if I were to choose that road, then that would be my fault or sin as some people like to say. Happily, much to the contrary, I want to help people to ultimately find relief where I found relief in God who lead me to understand myself, to understand that other people’s sin (or abuse) can affect me even at an age that I couldn’t fully understand or deal with it.

    So we all are going to suffer in this world in some way. Some of us were abused and it was a wrongfull and devastating thing for that to happen to us, but it happened. Now we are trying to recover and the recovery is a long process (at least for me it was). I totally empathize with everyone here reading and looking for the answers to “Why” we suffer. I can’t blame it squarely on God if I know that God has guaranteed us all a free will. So each person should look out for the best interest of the other – so it should be if we choose. The best we can do is Love one Another Through these difficult recovery periods. I love what Darlene has done here on her BLOG. I have found much relief just to be able to express myself. I’m so sorry if something that I have said offended anyone – it was not my intent. Please forgive me.

    As far as the book of Job is concerned, I didn’t write it. I only expressed my opinion on what it means to me. I’m against church abuse and spiritual abuse so that’s why this story is so meaningful to me.

    Manuel Jones

  7. By: Jenny Posted: 23rd July


    I wanted to Thank you for your post about Job….it got me thinking and the more I did I realized a part of me had opened up and/or been set free just by the thought of me having the right to grieve in my own way on my own time…it was almost like I needed someone to give me permission to grieve and I now feel a sense of power and relief to move forward…..awesome!

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 23rd July

      I received several private emails including this one from a reader who is concerned about the way that the Job story was presented by Manuel and I feel it is worthy of posting (I have permission). I completely understand the point this reader is making and just in case other people have this same concern, it is important to post this.

      Here is a small excerpt

      “So, Manuel’s theory is that it was Job’s lack of personal relationship with God that caused his suffering? And once he got that fixed he was blessed? Or at the very least, Job’s lack of personal relationship caused him to not be ok with his suffering? Caused him to ask questions? You see, that’s BS in my book. That puts it all back on the victim. They are somehow at fault for either their sufferings/calamities or their pain due to those sufferings/calamities.

      This type of thinking doesn’t ‘get’ the suffering of a victim that had no part whatsoever in that abuse. It had nothing to do with their relationship with God. It had to do with the free will of the abuser who abused the victim.

      This is saying that Job didn’t have a real relationship with God when he suffered in life. THAT is what is BS.”

      The types of abuse that I write about in this blog are not the same type of trials and tribulations that Job had, and one of the ways that spiritual abuse happens is that we are told that if we had enough faith we could get over it and even worse that God LET it happen to bring us closer to Him or that we were being punished for something. All this contributes to the victim feeling re-abused. I am not saying that is what happened in the post comments today, I am just saying that so many victims are very sensitive to the way that the Bible is presented because of how misrepresented the Bible has been and continues to be. Having said that my primary reason for having this blog is purely about mental health and mental health recovery. I personally would like to remain neutral when it comes to religious or spiritual beliefs as was modeled for me in therapy. I had “permission” to wipe the slate clean because I was spinning on a million things and I would like all my readers to have the same opportunity.

      I am not against the biblical comments or any other type of religious comments either, unless I find them abusive. (I won’t allow people to use the bible or any religious or spiritual teaching as a weapon on my blog) and I am only posting this comment for the benefit of other readers who found the Job comments difficult to digest.

      Thanks to Everyone who has contributed to this post!
      Hugs, Darlene

  8. By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 22nd July


    Where do I even begin to respond to your comment? Thank you again for your input here! There has been some serious bible teaching going on in these comments tonight. I like that it isn’t the brain washing abuse kind of teaching, but more the love and grace kind of teaching!


  9. By: Nikki Posted: 22nd July

    let me add one more thing when I say let it go I am not talking about snapping our fingers and getting over it I am talking about allowing ourselves to grieve and vent..

  10. By: Nikki Posted: 22nd July

    The why question does go way back in human history and I like the points about Job. The book of Job is said to be the oldest book of the bible. It is interesting that the oldest written book of the bible is an account with God and man it deals with the very heart issues of suffering. At that point there was a huge gulf between God and man-kind … Job even pointed it out because God wasn’t like a man He did not suffer thus Job sort of put God on the spot but so many thousand years later God did the unthinkable and that is He dwelled among his creation in Christ. That is why some called Him “Emmanuel” God is with us..

    The account of what happen to Jesus was not some easter morning celebration the account of Jesus arrest, trials, persecution, and crucifixion were beyond the emphasis of torture and violence. Jesus had no voice, there was no one there to represent him they illegally carried out three trials before turning him over to the Romans from there Pilate (The roman over seer) could not find anything that Jesus was truly guilty of but to satisfy the religious leaders and the crowd.. Jesus endured being beat, slap, spit on, humiliated, mocked, and talk about mental anguish he was then made to wear a crown of thorns. The beating he took from the Roman soldiers alone should have killed him … there was no justice being served that day instead the worst crime ever was committed an innocent man was tried without representation, lied about, ignored, and then was crucified. And not just by strangers but also his own had their hands in this .. The crucifixion was a grizzly scene it wasn’t as we see in pictures matter of fact I don’t think that Mel Gibson’s movie the Passion of the Christ came close enough to the scene at the cross…it was just that gruesome.

    Unlike in Job’s time we do now have a God that can honestly say I have been with you and suffered with you.

    For years and years of my life I refused to let that soak in because I could not understand that if God cared if He loved me then why did He let me suffer?

    This question of why plagued me for 19 years … it wasn’t until I realized three pivotal things .. first of all I can’t carry the sins of others in other words I have to let it go anytime we don’t let it go we are trying to carry the sins of others secondly I had to realize that God is not going to take back His word so when He put Adam and Eve out of the garden He had already forewarned Adam not to touch the tree of knowledge of good and evil that if he did he would surely die, so when they disobeyed God had to put them out of the garden. That is when suffering and death as well as evil fell upon man-kind. Was God being mean or stubborn? No for it was God who made them clothes after the fact if God had of been unmerciful and mean and stubborn He would have destroyed them right then and there. Instead of sealing the garden up and not having anything to do with man kind .. God sealed the garden up and remain with man kind …

    The abuse that others do to us is a choice that they make. It is not right but they made that choice we don’t have to continue making the same choice and when we allow their choice to rule our lives we make their choice ours.. is there hope yes there is … we can’t snap our fingers and “Poof” everything will be ok. Job couldn’t do it .. the reason why we must go through the process of healing .. the process is so that we can truly heal and in that process reach out to others .. if Job had of not went thru this process He would not have drawn closer to knowing God and we would not know his story.

    We have to understand to ask God to take away the process of healing (in other words the immediate relief or miraculous amnesia to where we would forget) is the same as those who provide programs to prevent abuse but nothing for the victim..

    Each of us that has had to face abuse hasn’t come this far in our journey for nothing it is people like us who see the need and it is our responsibility to bridge that gap to make an awareness. Our journey of healing though it is our healing isn’t all about ourselves we each affect people in our lives each and every day. And we can’t make the necessary changes unless we have been there to see it.. sometimes our pits are there so that we will know how to jump down someone else pit and help them out..

    When I first started talking about the mental illness diagnoses that i have, which is bipolar disorder, this open up doors in my family for other older relatives to speak up as well. One of them was an aunt and the other was my own dad. Because I chose to make a stand and to let my voice be heard that opened an avenue to break the chains of silence and shame.

    Please don’t think I am boasting of myself because honestly when it comes to me I would rather close myself in and never go outside of my own home. In truth I am a coward to a certain extent. So I have nothing to really boast about but that God has helped me to speak up and to be an active advocate for those who don’t have a voice. This is my life passion.

    and to conclude the answer that God has given me about why? well He answered that with a question late one night.. the question He asked was “My Son had to go through this life and suffer are you any better than Him?” My answer was NO I am not any better than Christ.

    Jesus does know all about our struggles He knows about abuse very much and though we hope for a “Superman” type God to come down rescue us and punish the wicked this is not how God does things because what I have had to learn in my own journey “He who hath no sin cast the first stone” ..

    When I started really looking at my life and myself I realized that in ways I was just as guilty because as long as I lived in unforgiveness I continued to abuse myself and became abusive to others.. that is why it is necessary to come to a point of forgiveness this does not mean we excuse the actions of what was done nor deny them we accept the reality and choose to let go of our need to get back … we don’t even have to have contact with our abuser to forgive ..

    Having boundaries is a must in this life this does not mean we don’t love it means that we love enough to say NO …

    When I started setting those boundaries then I started respecting myself and respecting others.. Sometimes Love has to say NO .. that does not make us selfish nor rude. But until we learn to respect our own self and love our self then we can’t truly do that for others..

    I do not write this to sound religious and I hope it don’t come off that way .. I just share what I have learned thus far on my own journey I have many many miles to go in my journey and there are many things that I am still struggling with and learning… but we have to take responsibility only for our own actions not the actions of others .. whether there is an answer to why others abused us there may never be but the main thing we need to see is that we were not “Singled out” if it hadn’t been us it would have been someone else … what we do with our lives is our choice not the choice of our abusers..

  11. By: Jenny Posted: 22nd July

    I appreciate your response….I have some healing to do and the more I talk the better I feel. I remind myself that none of my abuse was my fault, I was simply given someone else’s problems and accepted them as mine…since I was too young to know the difference….now, I refuse to accept problems that are not mine. In asking “why” I feel I am placing the responsibility where it began. I hope that makes sense…
    Thank you so much for having this outlet!!!!

  12. By: Shanyn Posted: 22nd July

    Oh and I also enjoy talking and working on Job and his story!

  13. By: Shanyn Posted: 22nd July

    Sometimes you want, need, to know why. There are other times when the why is the last thing you need because it won’t actually clear anything up, it won’t resolve anything and it won’t make them see things differently. Sometimes the desire to have the ‘why’ answered becomes so obsessive it blocks you on the path to healing, it becomes an excuse to stay in one place waiting for an answer that won’t be what you want or need to hear. I’ve asked why often and never really found that the answer was worth the pursuit except for me to learn that really, there are times when they why isn’t worth the asking. The walking away is worth the steps, the closing the door is worth the push, the boundaries are worth the building. Getting lost in the questions which drag us around and around is not worth it…in my most loving and somewhat humble opinion…much love and thanks to everyone who contributes – the blessings are in our ability to talk to each other and support each other! Thank you all for that!

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 22nd July

      I wish that I had known all that (that the answers would not be worth knowing and that all the other stuff would be worth doing) before I finally learned it. I was lost in the qusetions which dragged me around and around for sooooooooooooo long. I didn’t know that I was being dragged around, I didn’t know that I was in any kind of spin at all. I didn’t even know how lost I was until I almost gave up and as I emerged out of the muck I was in, I realized just how deep that I had sunk. I am so grateful for the transformation today!
      Thanks for your comments and contributions,
      Hugs, Darlene

      I appreciate your honesty SO much and I am so glad you are here. I absoloutly understand what you are saying and I hope you continue to share!
      Hugs, Darlene

  14. By: Manuel Jones Posted: 22nd July

    I’d like to comment a moment on the story of Job from the Bible. I love what Carla Logan wrote and I believe that this is true and correct as far as healing and getting it all out is concerned. Now I want to delve a bit into the reason for all of this suffering. You know that Job was a very pious person, proper in every way but he because of religion did not drawn near to God in a personal way. God was way way up there and he (Job) was way way down here. The point of all of the suffering was that Job could finally break through all of the religious gargabe and concept of what he thought that God ought to be and finally find who God was in a personal way. God didn’t want to be a diety from another planet but a very comforting, loving God that is desperately seeking to heal people of their spiritual illness and mental anguish. In a way Job suffered for all of us. Why? If God could allow, one man to loose it all but get to personally know God intimately well we could actually say that Job had gained it all including his freedom to speak candidly to God. God hearing from above the candid and honest true as we know it can then bring us the answers that we are desperately seeking.
    Think about it for a moment. Job was humanly “good” but religious. Religion was keeping Job from discovering God. God shakes Jobs concept of what God ought to do. Then Job is almost forced by God to get honest about his true feelings and about his thoughts on all that he is suffering. During this whole process just to make matters worse, his “friends” drop in to give poor Job their “two-cents worth” which by the way is exactly what their advise was worth – about two cents. So the jist of the story is a God who has all the power in the world trying to establish a real relationship with someone who is “good” in human terms but not very “honest” in God terms. The relief of course happens when he is stripped of everything that he could tangible hold on to in order to start getting real. After which came his healing and the true relationship with the true God. We know this because Job at the end of the book Job says that “I had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you.”
    I truly believe that Job had probably asked God to come into his life because he (Job) felt an emptiness of just knowing about God and God had honored Job’s wish to get to know God in person. Religion was Job’s problem. At the end of the story Job is blessed exceedingly by God who gives him more than what was lost.
    I hope this story of Job inspires people to tell God the truth about their issues and vent if they have to. God understands. He’s heard it all and wants to hear it from you, any way that you want to tell it. Speak your mind. Relief is in sight.
    In my opinion,
    Manuel Jones

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 22nd July

      I love this. I love the way that you re-tell the story, in another way that I had not looked at it before. This makes sense to me and it is a great contribution to the readers here who are struggling with some spiritual or religious abuse. Thank you so much,
      Hugs, Darlene

  15. By: Karen Rabbitt, MSW Posted: 22nd July

    “I thought that if I found the reason “why” I could find the proof that really they did love me and then I could excuse them if only I understood. In reality, I was still looking to prove to myself that it really was my own fault or that I was still missing the “key” that would make them stop hurting me and start accepting me.”

    Darlene, This is so well spoken. As a therapist (and a survivor) I so often sat with clients who kept wanting to know “why.” It is so painful to acknowledge that our parents really did not love us and to grieve that loss. They may say they did, they may have loved us in some specific ways…e.g., they provided food and shelter…but at the core, where it really counts, they did not love us. For whatever reason. It wasn’t because we didn’t deserve their love. Every child deserves love.

    And the point about Job grieving, which included rage, questions, sadness, etc: One of the things I say in my seminars/retreats is: We forgive the sin; we grieve the losses the sin creates. Both/and. Two sides of the same coin.
    Thanks for the work you do.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 22nd July

      Thanks Karen and welcome to this blog;

      It is extreemly hard to realize that love was only food and shelter, and many didn’t even have that much. It was very hard for me to get past that ~ and I got past it after I drew the line and set some personal boundaries when I realized that even the smallest boundary was too big for them. It was as though they said “you are not worth it” and my deep down belief that I was not worthy was validated, but only for a few seconds… because it is in the separation from the spin of abuse (which as an adult so often becomes psychological abuse) that I was able to see the truth. The lack of love was not because of me. The fault was in them. Such freedom in that knowledge.
      Great to have you here,
      Hugs, Darlene

  16. By: Jenny Posted: 22nd July

    Thank you ladies for this…I have a million and one “why” questions for anyone who hurts me. I feel I need to let the why questions go but it feels like I am giving in and letting them win by not holding them accountable for their actions. I think that is why I struggle with this. It’s like ok, you did these horrific things to me and now I am not even going to call you on it by asking why. I am angry and I feel I deserve an answer for the pain I have suffered…..However, I am pretty certain I will never receive the answer I am looking for.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 22nd July

      You bring up a very interesting dynamic to this whole thing and that is feeling like you are letting them off the hook by not demanding an explaination! OH YES I felt that way too. But I tried to ask, I tried to talk about it and they said it was me. It was my problem, or that I was exagerating, that I was wrong, misunderstood, and all the rest of that crap. Most of this was not about sexual abuse, but remember the posts I wrote about my moms boyfriend who came in my room? Well after my mom finished denying that it happened, and saying that I misunderstood, she added that it was my own fault because I had a crush on him…. The other big things they (between my husband and I we confronted several people) just ignored and would not respond to.
      Once again, this is a very valid point. That we feel like we are excusing them if we don’t ask AND in so many cases we are afraid to ask becasue we are so afraid of the consequences of asking… so there we spin.
      Love Darlene

  17. By: Moreheads/Ravin Posted: 22nd July

    Briliant post and comments.

    When we think of WHY it gets way too complicated, years of blaming ourselves and being blamed, therapist after therapist pushing us to look for/at excuses for our abuser’s abusing us. All of which added layers of more self abuse and devaluation.

    We will never really know WHY and truthfully it doesn’t matter in the end it comes back to “it happened,” of course that sends most into the “doubt” that it did happen. These are the cruel circles that abuse of any kind create. It’s hard to step out of that centrifuge of momentum. Those first step are hard, but being heard, really heard with an actual reaction can make the shaky business of WHY easier. Seeing the empathy of another human being goes a long way, knowing someone else thinks what happen to you is awful is just that, validating.

    WHY is it so easy to turn away from the victim but be fascinated by the abusers? Just look at society’s reaction to victims speaking out, they are marginalized and seen as whiners…just get over and get a life… when their life has been taken. But then look at the rating Oprah got for putting sexual predators on her show.

    “WHY bother, nothing changes?”
    I hear it all the time from my headmates, truth is changes are small, they are personal, they are ours to make and they are the scariest thing we ever do as survivors. We can want change but still never figure out that first step, what happens when another human sits in our space with us and really hears us can get missed by us if we are focused on the WHYS. As important as they are they to us they don’t usually have a thing to do with our survival and then our living. Course this i s what I see for me and it comes and goes pretty damn fast at times.


  18. By: sandra partridge Posted: 22nd July

    why is it that a rapist gets 10 or so years for raping someone just once and yet someone who continually rapes a sibling gets a few years with one year parole!

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 22nd July

      Hi Sandra,
      I know, isn’t it a werid world system we live in? Most of it makes no sense!

      I agree with the power of being heard! The first step is so hard; sometimes I wonder if I found it because I wanted to find it so bad, or if it was that therpist who just said the right things to help me see my way out. I think it is a combination of both.
      Thanks for your comment, OH and yes, about the Oprah show, isn’t that an interesting point although really, I don’t think that the survivors got any comfort from the offenders talking about it, there is a huge need for this stuff to be discussed and for the truth to be exposed..
      Hugs, Darlene

  19. By: sarah elise Posted: 21st July

    Amen. Wonderful. So true. No reason would be a real explanation. It’s that wish of the child….if I know WHY, then I will understand, and feel…better? What? Exactly. Thank you for this.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 21st July

      Welcome! Sarah Elise,
      I am so glad that this resonates with you, I felt that same way, (and I wrote it) but isn’t it true? Really would there be any answer that would help me understand and feel better? I doubt it.
      Thanks for being here.
      Hugs, Darlene

  20. By: Carla Logan Posted: 21st July

    An odd thought has come to me concerning all of this and forgive me if it takes us back to the ‘religious’ realm, heaven knows I am struggling in a mighty way there. But I had this thought about the book of Job. If you aren’t familiar with it, it is in the Jewish scriptures and in the Old Testament of the Christian bible. We are drawn to believe that Job was a man who believed in God and he lived a ‘righteous’ life, which means he lived a good life, he did what was right in the way he lived. But he was struck with one calamity after another, going from being a very wealthy man with a large family, to having all his riches taken away, his family killed in a natural catastrophe and his health was failing him in a miserable way. And Job asked ‘WHY?????’ He didn’t understand. He didn’t do anything wrong in his life, and yet he was suffering to such a degree that his friends basically urged him to give up and die.

    But he didn’t give up and die. He vented. And he vented at God. He asked all the questions and he didn’t hold back. He was in a sense, going through a very important part of the healing process. He was getting it all out of his system. He was crushed by life, and he was angry and confused and he just vented it all.

    Interestingly, he was NOT given any kind of consolation in the answers he received. And yet, he was able to move on with his life and rebuild. He got back his life.

    A lot of people like to think that it was his unwavering faith that saved him. I see something different. I see a man who was allowed to grieve and rage and ask all the questions that we all ask when we have suffered, especially when we have suffered through no fault of our own. We need to grieve, we need to rage, we need to ask the questions. We will never find answers that satisfy, but it is a vital part of the process to get it all out there so we can heal and move on, reclaim our life and rebuild.

    And there does come a time when we have to say, ‘OK, I’ve gone through it all, I’ve raged, I’ve grieved, I’ve asked the universe/God/whoever I think is supposed to have the answers, I’ve asked and now it’s time to reclaim my life’. But I also think that when it is that time we will know it. If we want it to happen, then we will know it and have the desire and internal peace to pick up the pieces and rebuild.

    Just my thoughts inspired by this post. Darlene, I always end up with thoughts!!! 🙂


    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 21st July

      Wow! I am nearly speachless.. (wouldn’t that just be something!) but as some of the readers know I studied the bible pretty hard looking for the answers that I needed so baldly in order to find freedom, wholenss and healing. I studied Job.. and I have never considered such a profound way of looking at it ~ this makes sense me! Thanks so much for taking such care in explaining your thoughts here. I appreciate you so much.
      Hugs, Darlene

  21. By: IAmEchad Posted: 21st July

    I know I’ll never know why to the following questions. I think I just want to be heard.

    Feel free to delete my post if it’s too triggering and/or inappropriate.

    1. Why was nothing more done when my grandfather was caught in my nursery in the middle of the night? My mother tells me there was only a fight and he and my grandmother left for a hotel.

    2. Why did my doctor say “it just happens” when I was brought to her at 8 for bleeding? Why did my mother, as a nurse, accept the answer?

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 21st July

      Hi IAmEchad,
      I don’t worry about triggering post, my readers know what goes on here. =) Your questions are not at all inappropriate, they are exactly what I am talking about in this post. AND being heard is an extreemly extreemly important part of healing. I wrote a post called “my therapist winced when I told him……” and I swear that the single biggest difference with that therapist and all the others is that HE HEARD ME. That is when I knew that I was going to go forward. Becuase finally someone heard me and validated that what happened to me was wrong. I never got healing from answers to questions like these, but being heard was major!
      Thanks so much for your comments.
      (I am having guests for dinner and will answer your other commets (on the other posts) tomorrow.
      Hugs, Darlene

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