Psychological Abuse; if you don’t like it LEAVE

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psychologically abusive mother

After my parents split up a couple of months before my 13th birthday, my mother started to get even more impatient.  She got even more blunt about stating where I “stood” as a member of the family and communicated my value to me in some new ways;  She started saying “If you don’t like it, leave”.  Just like that. If I didn’t like the way things were, then I was free to just “go”.

This is not a rare expression; many kids have heard it lots but have you ever thought about what that communicates to a child?

These statements are really hurtful;

If you don’t agree with the way that I do things ~ get out.

If you don’t like the way that your life is here ~ go away.

If you don’t approve of the way that I treat you ~ leave.

If you don’t like MY rules, then you can just go find your own place to live; find your own way.

Some kids did; they left home and lived on the streets. They got picked up by pimps and put on the street selling themselves to strangers, just so that they could eat. Drugs and alcohol were “normal” coping methods in those situations too and often “forced addiction” is a great way to control a teenager. Some parents remind children that this could happen to them if they don’t comply with the rules of the psychologically abusive environment at home.

It is common for a teenager to trade an abusive home life for life with another abuser, this time having a new person in charge of their lives and responsible for their survival. At first it looks a lot better than life with parents; there is usually the illusion of independence. But when it all goes wrong, the child gets blamed for the results because they “chose” to run away, or leave.  Other kids who left or ran away may find an older person to give them shelter, but rarely without a huge price to pay.

If you did manage to get out, what lesson was learned?  For me it was the same lesson that I had already learned; that if I want to survive, I better do things the way the “chief” wants them done, and I better accept it because I don’t have a say.  Since this was the message that I had always known it was an easy transition for me to fall into the same rules in every relationship I had.  I never considered that these relationships were one sided and psychologically abusive because I was so used to it. It was all I knew.

My mother used to say “like it or lump it”.  I have no idea what that means but I accepted that it meant I had NO say and No choice.

Another favourite expression my mother used was; “if you don’t like it, go and live with your father”. This sounds like a viable option but it was more psychological abuse.  One day when I was around 14 and didn’t think I could take it with her anymore, I asked my father if I could live with him.  I was so sure that would be an option and I didn’t even feel nervous asking him. But he said no. He was remarried by then and had a new child, and there was no room for me in his life. Looking back, he had made that rather clear to me already, but being accustomed to not being valued, I didn’t catch on that quickly.

So now I had a mother who told me to leave, (communicating that she didn’t care about me) and a father who told me that he didn’t want me either.

I felt such a panic over the depth of what this meant.  I was not wanted or needed for anything more than the chores I could do and the meals that I cooked. My value was defined by those things. I had to comply or lose what little security I had ~ a place to live and food to eat. That is what was communicated to me. If I didn’t “like it” then I could just leave. Find a better way. Find somewhere where I could have some say, some value, and find some acceptance. I can still see her sneer, because at 14 years old, where was I going to go? My father didn’t want me. I don’t remember telling my mother that he said no; I doubt that I would have given her that satisfaction but I bet she knew.

These truths defined me. Saying these types of things to a child is psychological abuse and it works; I believed the implications. I took them to heart. I believed that because I wasn’t wanted I wasn’t loved. The sayings and actions of my parents defined me as not worthy. I couldn’t blame that on them; I had been convinced from so young that it was me. It was easier to believe it was me. If it was my fault, I could try harder to change it. I thought that I could prove my worth somehow in order to be loved and wanted.

The truth was that I could never get the desire to leave off my mind! But I didn’t know how to escape. I had been convinced that leaving was the answer but also convinced that I would not “survive”.  A child knows that he or she won’t survive without food, shelter, and clothing.

“If you don’t like it then let’s see if you can do better on your own.”  More psychologically abusive sneering. Or “I suppose you think you could do better on your own”.  And “you think it is so easy to live in the “real world”. I wonder what she meant by the “real world”.

And you know, about that saying “if you don’t like it” well I didn’t like it ~ there was nothing about it to like so eventually I started to look for a way out. Since I was not raised to believe in myself and believed my survival depended on someone else, I tried to find “someone” who would want me. I had also been raised to believe that my value was sexual so I put that power to work. I wasn’t sexual and flirting wasn’t sexual to me, it was just survival. It was all I thought I had and all I had ever been told that I had. Men were my mother’s answer for everything, and surely they would be my answer too.

One night I fell asleep and didn’t come home till the wee hours of the morning. She made all the typical accusations about what a tramp I was telling me that was my last chance; that the next time I decided to do something like that I would have to get out. A few weeks later I stayed out all night on purpose. When I came home she asked me when I was leaving, I told her that I just “came to get my things” At first I wouldn’t tell her where I was going. It was an attempt to try and make her prove that she cared. I secretly hoped that she would worry. She was the one that taught me how to “prove” love after all. She taught me these psychologically abusive tactics. I don’t think she was worried at all, she was just mad because I found a way out.

And that was how at the tender age of 17, I ended up starting my “adult life” living common law with a man who turned out to have a drinking problem and a violent temper.

I went from one frying pan into another fire; I was “rescued” by another captor.

Please share your thoughts

Exposing Truth; one snapshot at a time

Darlene Ouimet

The Emerging from Broken book is ready for download! If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, get this book today! This 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to healing.  Get yours here through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

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101 response to "Psychological Abuse; if you don’t like it LEAVE"

  1. By: JNoax Posted: 3rd July

    I heard this constantly. I also had a father that did not want me. The thing I have never figured out is how she could threaten for years to kill herself if I left, or wasn’t perfect etc. and thentell me too leave if I didn’t like it. I was caught between a rock and a hard place. If I leave like she says, she will kill herself. So I stay and bend all of me to her will. I’m 44 now and she has passed away and I still can’t get my head around it. I can’t get my head straight. My thoughts are so powerfully negative. I need help again.

  2. By: Maribeth Posted: 3rd July

    oh, and did I mention the porn????

  3. By: Maribeth Posted: 3rd July

    The entire family kowtows to him- trying to keep him alive- when he will not comply with that is needed – but then using his illness as something to glory in when he wants to be the centre of attention. He actually LIED to the ambulance driver last week and then a few days later actually told the opposite- the truth to a neighbour— it’s beyond rationality. When even antianxiety pills cannot keep me even….

  4. By: Maribeth Posted: 3rd July

    Here I am 5 years later and all I can say is that knowing that the man you married has no regard for you or your feelings, he can’t be bothered to have sex even etc and whenever he hurts you justifies it by ‘I’m just a jerk’ comes close. On top of that is that I’ve been doing my level best to build him up but all he does is trash me and then beat me up verbally. Should I tell the bishop that THIS is the man he lets administer the eucharist?????

  5. By: theresa Posted: 3rd July

    I don’t think that there is any greater pain than the pain of rejection by your own mother and father. It’s a loneliness that nothing can fill. No wonder so many of us have gone out into the world and straight into another abusive situation.

  6. By: Laura Posted: 10th July

    Thank you Darlene for this post. This was my life! There are only a few minor detail differences. One being age. I was 20 almost 21 when I moved out and in with a man. I didn’t believe I could do it on my own even though I had been working since I was 15. By the time I moved out my mother had even let me know what type of tramp I was when she found out that I had been having ‘sexual relations’ with my cousin since I was 12 until I was over 16 years old. Now mind you he is 16 years older than I am, but according to her I must have wanted it since I had not stopped it or told anyone. Here final words to me the day I left was to get the f*** out and to not come back until I grew up. I had set aside some things that would help to move into an apartment, but she claimed them as “hers” and would not allow me to take them. Things like pillows and sheets. Nothing that cost that much, but when you work for minimum wage it is huge. She did all she could to make me fail. I walked right into an abusive relationship. I only got out after my daughter was born because I thought SHE deserved better than what we were getting. That led back to my mother’s house for a time which was extremely hard. I stepped into a second marriage that seemed as it would be better. In the end the were secrets that he kept for a long time that hurt deeply. When I told him after 10 years that I would no longer put up with it the domestic violence started. My own mother, whom has always needed a man to take care of her, asked if I would stay for the kids sake because he made a good living. By this point I had a son also. I decided that day I would no longer be the slave to anyone for any reason. I lost a lot of ‘friends’ and ‘family’ that didn’t like the new me. They had enjoyed the doormat for so long that they still wanted to take and take. I refused to go back and instead started walking to freedom and health. It is difficult to break free from the chains we grew up with, but it is possible. Thank you for helping shed light on some of these dark places!

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 10th July

      Hi Laura
      Welcome to EFB!
      Wow. Thank you for sharing your story; this is an awesome account of exactly how this all goes! First you are being sexually abused by your cousin right under her nose, but YOU got blamed for it, and then comes the lifetime of punishment and more abusive relationships which of course you also get blamed for and were even encouraged to stay in them! Think about what all this communicated to YOU about YOU by the woman who is your own mother. (it was by seeing the things that were communicated to me that I was able to change the resulting beliefs that I had about me) YAY for you that you broke free and are now walking the path to freedom and health!
      Hugs, Darlene

  7. By: Sharon Posted: 9th July

    The sneer, oh how I remember the sneer. I have it caught on film. From a baby shower, and someone snapping photo’s. I assumed she was mad because the world wasn’t revolving around her.

    I too moved out at 17 after constantly hearing ‘if you don’t like it you can leave.’ It was the beginning of my senior year of high school, but I couldn’t take it anymore. I started packing my things. She wanted to know what I was doing. I said, “leaving, you keep telling me if I don’t like it I can leave.” She was running into my room every 2 minutes with some excuse why I couldn’t/shouldn’t go. Looking back on it with the wisdom I have now, I guess it was because I was the baby of the family and the last of her narc supply, and now I was going, and it set off a panic in her.

    I too learned my worth was using sex. That is what she taught me. I moved in with a guy, who by all accounts was a decent fellow, but I didn’t really love him. He was just a means to escape.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 10th July

      Hi Delia
      Thanks for sharing! yes, another great account of exactly how it goes!
      Yay for being on the healing path!
      Hugs, Darlene

      Hi Sharon
      That’s terrific that you caught it on film!
      I remember my mothers lectures about how I was going to find out what it was like “in the real world” and all that “you think you are so smart” stuff. ugg.
      Thanks for sharing,
      hugs, Darlene

  8. By: Delia Posted: 9th July

    I heard a lot of this is the law in this house, and when you move out you can do things differently, and under my roof this is how it is. Pretty much compliance is the only option. I dreamed of being old enough to move out and decided 16 was the age I should be ok to leave, so I waited. I endured a collection of abuse, different types & from different people, my parents meanwhile had decided thats enough of my misbehaviours, sick of me not coming home for days, weeks. Which was my way of protecting myself from my brother. So my parents dropped me off with my brother on the side of the road outside of the city saying “if you want to live in our house you have to follow our rules.” Since I had no where else to go, I made my way home and that’s when full disociation kicked in. I ended my brothers attacks by staging a victimization so he would see me like a little sister instead of a blow up doll, then my subconscious took over. I pretended everything was ok for years to avoid punishment, rejection, &the reality that the people who were supposed to care for me…didn’t, and that what I wanted to believe was just nightmares actually happened.
    I can definitely relate, Darlene. It seems that our stories differ, but are connected to the same root causes.
    The important thing is that we are all on this path of healing, acceptance, recovery, and safety together!

  9. By: January Posted: 9th July

    Hi Darlene,

    Before I hit my teens, my mother used to tell me that they were “stuck with me because no one else would put up with me.” I was adopted soon after I was born which made me a reject already. My birth mother had chosen to keep my older sister. I was unworthy of my birth mother & my adopted parents. My adopted mom reminded me that no one really wanted me.

    By the time I was 13, mom really didn’t want me around anymore. She’d often threatened to kick me out. Funny thing was, I called her bluff. I wanted out as I was already fed up with being mistreated. When I was 14, mom told me she hated kids. I asked why she adopted me, & her exact words were “I don’t know, it was a mistake.” I learned not to show hurt, but those words cut me so deeply. However, when I called her bluff, she’d turn it on me & expect me to stay. Stay I did…I put up with the abuse for many years after I turned 18. Mom found me a “suitable” man & expected me to marry him. I did, just to please her. I didn’t want to get married. Wish I hadn’t because he turned out to be every bit as evil as both my parents. 🙁 I’ll never understand why I was adopted in the first place. Unfortunately, I’ll never get a real answer from her (passed away) or dad (have gone NC with him because he is still as much of a jerk as ever).

    It always seems that someone wants me until they find out who I am…then I am never good enough. No matter how hard I try, I am always the one at fault. I was set up to behave this way from a little girl. I’ve had so many relationships that have ended badly because I didn’t measure up. Not just romantic relationships with men, but even friendships or jobs. It’s always the same, I am not the person they thought I was. Then after I’ve had enough of the abuse, the abuser goes on a smear campaign against me. As if I hadn’t already been through enough? Maybe instead of being loyal to my original parents, maybe I should have moved out & found my own way.

    At least I know now there are many others who have had similar lives. I am no longer alone.

    Thanks Darlene for opening my eyes!

    January

  10. By: Gabbi Posted: 21st January

    I’ve been thinking about it and praying a lot, digging deeper I’m finding that the real problem is deep-rooted feelings of abandonment (along with a bunch of other stuff).

    I was taught to depend on my mom and essentially I didn’t have a will or choice, and whenever I would stand up on my own she’d reject and leave me.
    Also, all my life I was taught that Jesus was my crutch, that’s why whenever I think of having my own power and standing on my own it feels wrong because I was taught the opposite.
    I see now that she used things in the Bible, like depending on God for your strength, as a way to brainwash me into thinking that I’m not supposed to have my own power–And she used that for her own purposes.

    I guess that I feel as if I stop depending on God, that he’ll completely leave me. Though, through this process of uncovering the truth, I’m seeing the tremendous difference between who she taught me God was and who he really is; that he doesn’t wish to control me.

    I think that after feeling so “owned” without the ability to choose or rights of an individual, recognizing that I’m supposed to have my own power and strength–my own choice and that I am my own person, are really big steps in healing.
    It’s like this whole process is sorting through a huge pile of garbage, looking at everything she taught me about God, life, and myself and throwing it away.
    It’s gonna take me a while to sort through it all, but I’m pushing through, regardless.

    And thank you, by the way, for believing me and taking me seriously even after seeing my age. Most people don’t.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 22nd January

      Hi Gabbi
      Excellent insight! This is the foundation that got me started healing. To see the truth about the ways that I was brainwashed to comply.
      I too was so afraid to ‘leave god’ but I ended up putting everything spiritual aside including prayer for over 2 years so that I could clear the old rotten foundation, and build a new one. And sometimes I ‘felt’ that God was cheering me on, that I had full permission to do that, that it was what I NEEDED to do if I was going to be free. And it worked. And now I can make a difference in the lives of others; isn’t that what God would want??
      It does take a while, but wow, it is so worth it!!
      Hugs, Darlene

  11. By: Gabbi Posted: 20th January

    This is where I feel like I’m at now. I recently just turned 18. I want to get out, but I don’t think I’m going to be able to make it on my own two feet.
    I’m constantly struggling with issues and I feel as if I will have more of a burden (taking care of myself) if I get out, and that the weight and responsibility will be too much for me to carry. Like you, I kept on hoping and praying someone would come along and be offering a place of shelter. But I feel like that’s not even possible because I don’t have many friends, and the friends I do have, I don’t talk to them about all the problems at my house.
    I’m trying to find strength and stamina to get out, but I just feel so exhausted from fighting and being strong so long.

    Chances are my mom won’t let me get my license, though she’s never blatantly said it with her words, she “doesn’t like me getting out.”
    And I can’t depend on my dad either, despite the fact that he barely has any interest in my life at all, he wouldn’t help me because she pretty much controls him.
    I feel trapped. I want to get a job, and maybe once I do that I can start saving up money for a car or a place to live.
    The only problem is, I just don’t think I’m gonna be able to make it on my own..

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 21st January

      Hi Gabbi
      I was so afraid that I would not be able to make it on my own too; I had to look at the root of that fear. It was what I had been taught, groomed to believe. My parents had been set up as “god” over my life and I didn’t think I could survive without them. Lots of fog had to lift before I was able to see the truth about my own strength and skills. There is no ‘deadline’ for personal recovery. Getting a job would be a great step to take! Healing takes time. Hang in there and please share often.
      Hugs, Darlene

  12. By: Nancy Posted: 6th July

    There is something very cathartic in admission. Unfortunately, we are all too willing to admit to being fragmented and heaping more judgements and self blame on ourselves rather than the admission that our fragments are the remnants of people who broke us.

    And that is the reality. We were broken. We were not born fearful, rejected fragments. We were born whole beautiful complete beings. It IS another’s fault we are this way.

    The current mantra of the self help movement is one of no blaming and taking responsibility. Well that’s fine, however, it often becomes one more arena for self abuse as we berate ourselves for “just not getting it…yet”

    Well…I am pissed off! I am Fing furious that these aholes from my childhood didn’t care for me, disregarded me, abused me, handed me around like a sexual plaything to their friends, and rejected me everyday of my life…and still do. But now my Fury is directed at THEM for their mistakes, THEIR responsibilities, THEIR worthlessness…not me. As women we are taught to forgive and not be angry, be compliant and men rule. Well what we were taught and the messages we received were WRONG!!!!!

    The next time you feel bad about yourself or get angry direct it where it belongs…at THEM whoever and whatever “THEY” are. You are allowed, you are justified. You will not disintegrate or become a raging axe murderer if you are angry…you’re angry anyway…just stop believing it’s yours…for once put it back where it was generated…and feel in your body how it feels..

    I am NOT bad
    I am NOT and never was the whore
    I am NOT stupid
    I am NOT worthless
    I am NOT unlovable
    I an NOT selfish or ungrateful…and neither are you…

    that person is my mother…and my legacy is not to carry the burdens of her crap…I’d like to create and deal with my own thank you!!

    If it helps, as it helped me, remember that your F’ed up parents used you to deflect from and project outward their own Sh-t. That’s what messed up people do..they project their crap onto the most vulnerable because they themselves cannot possibly cope with themselves and having you as their outlet gave them power and control. IT WAS WRONG!!!! THEY WERE AND ARE WRONG!!!!!
    And as difficult as it is to emotionally comprehend…the abuse and neglect you suffered at their hands had and has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU….so give it back. I don’t mean repeat it or perpetuate it EVER!!! just stop thinking it was you…because that is an impossibility.

    You are smart enough to look at a child and realize their limitations and vulnerabilities…well….that child is the part of you that was abused. Not your big grown up thinking rational self. If you knew of or saw a child enduring what you endured would you protect them? Of course you would..so start protecting them now by realizing the little person in you can be saved by you..

    Believe me, I relate to every comment and every thread of all that is stated here before me. What saved me was separating myself from the child in my head and the adult who kept telling herself she should have been different. It’s just simply illogical that a child could have protected themselves or done anything other than what I had to to survive. I wouldn’t expect it of any child so I was able to release myself of the guilt and shame and disgust I lived with and the belief it was me who in fact was so intrinsically bad that I created it. BULLSH_T!!!

    And all of us have one caring loving person to support and care for us…it’s ourselves…so stop perpetuating abuse on yourself. Empowerment comes from not allowing any more abuse, especially that voice in our heads that we just can’t stop believing.

    I find it is the simplest behavior changes that help and ground me the most. Like no more apologizing. I walked around saying “sorry” more than I said hello, like I was constantly a walking burden to this world. Never under value the small things you do every day that set you and keep you healing.

    As you have likely deduced by now my biggest challenge is anger and it is my focus now to realize I have justified anger but it cannot rule my life. Nor can it be a cannon waiting to fire at inappropriate times. And I am and have made great strides. And so will you. We all will.

    Never give up. You are worth it. Believe it.
    I believe in you and I don’t even have to know you.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 6th July

      Hi Nancy
      Welcome to emerging from broken.. sounds like you will fit right in here!
      Thank you for sharing,
      Hugs, Darlene

  13. By: Karen Ranes Posted: 5th July

    I too hated the abuse. At 18 I was told to get out. I had no plan but to
    me anything was better than what I came from. I had no money,
    experience, no clue about anything. I knew nothing about sex. I
    wasn’t ever given any life info. Later when I got pregnant of course
    my mother called me a whore. Going home to live I was only a servant
    with less value than before. Now my badness was proven. And round
    it goes. I wish I had had one person in my life that cared about me then.
    One caring adult would have made a great difference but we
    were kept isolated from everyone. He controlled everything.
    My Dad built himself up by destroying his wife and children emotionally.
    He was so evil. It was a choice with him.
    What you said exactly described how I was treated by my parents.
    Its very helpful to understand.

  14. By: h saron Posted: 7th July

    as a child, my mother was both emotionally & physically abusive. i survived child sexual abuse from a neighbor, my step-grandfather (that was on a continual basis for sometime), and my mother’s fiance. she would tell me when i expressed that he was gonna try something, that i just didn’t want her to have anyone. she found him coming to my room one night, and this same mother who’d blamed me at eight years old for the dissolution of her marriage to my father and who told me she should’ve had an abortion more than once (i was 8), she beat him until the cops were called. later she’d- when i’d tell her that she never apologized, her response was “he didn’t put (or stick) it in you”.

    we’ve since mended our relationship in some way, but i won’t deal with her abusive tactics and she’s stopped using them so much. and yes, while initially staying clear of relationships after seeking a savior in a partner at the age of 16 — i ended up in 3 abusive relationships. one psychological, another psychological and spiritual & the last – psych, spiritual, physical, financial.

    i have only NOW gotten to the place of knowing my worth. how i don’t deserve any of the abuse any of those partners (and sometimes their communities, in efforts to either clean up or discredit me) gave.

    i also witness how others get biting towards one another in conversations and remind myself that those aren’t relationships i wanna be in. that yes, people argue but there are ways to get one’s point across and being abusive is not one of them.

    your article definitely resonates with me. now, i am in the midst of healing these parts that got created over the years and am grateful my creator worked in ways that made me able to survive. i am definitely working to thrive nowadays, still.

    be and stay well blessed —

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 7th July

      Hi H Saron
      Welcome to Emerging from Broken
      Thank you for sharing your own exp. here. These are terrible things that happened to us and very damaging to be treated that way. it sounds like you are on the right path now! Glad to have your here with us.
      Hugs, Darlene

  15. By: kate Posted: 7th July

    Vicki,
    Yes, happiness is seen (in behavior), not necessarily heard in words.

  16. By: vicki Posted: 7th July

    I believe I can feel joy and grief at the same time, b/c I live with that situation every day. I know somebody who was murdered and, so far, I’ve never been able to find happiness from that specific situation. Like, for whatever stupid reason, almost everybody wants me to do (I’m talking about people I meet on a daily basis.)
    Anyway, I feel leaps of great joy just by looking at kittens and cats; IDK why, I just accept that it’s okay to feel joy or happiness when looking at kitties, especially when they do something like purr or meow.
    Anyway, that’s how it is for me. I can’t for the life of me find a good reason for why he was murdered, and it kind of pisses me off that people think it’s necessary to do so. But I can smile when I see kittens, cats and bunnies; and Sheltie dogs (and some other dogs.) I’m not the biggest dog person, but some are all right.
    I like small animals and nature. For some reason both those things can calm me.

  17. By: vicki Posted: 7th July

    I’m not even sure that woman is truly happy. I don’t believe that a genuinely happy person, or someone who is completely comfortable with herself, is going to care what other people do and say.
    I have a friend that I think is truly happy and comfortable with himself, and he’s never judged anybody but Osama bin Laden.
    He worked at One World Trade Center (what everyone else calls Tower 1) when the plane hit the building, and he was burned over 60% of his upper body, had amputations from burns that were so severe they had to take the parts affected, had his face completely reconstructed and has had several operations since it happened. He thinks he’s allowed to judge bin Laden, but he never says much about anyone else. He said he doesn’t care what mood somebody is in as long as the person doesn’t take it out on him.
    When I think of a truly happy, that is to say content, person I think of him.

  18. By: kate Posted: 7th July

    Yes, and the thought occurred to me that another word for these type of statements:

    On your comment about the lady who puts down people who say depressing things, and only wants to read “happy comments”

    is LIES

    It is a LIE we can ignore hurt and be happy!!
    YOU don’t WANT to be unhappy, YOU would like to be happy too! We would all BE happy IF truth was acknowledged and dealt with!!
    They are telling YOU to LIE too!

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 7th July

      Kate
      This is a good point. it IS a lie that we can ignore hurt and be happy. AND I agree, it was only through realizing the truth that I found true happiness and freedom from the opression and depressions that I struggled with for so long!
      Very good points Kate!
      hugs, Darlene

  19. By: Renee Posted: 7th July

    Vicki,
    On your comment about the lady who puts down people who say depressing things, and only wants to read “happy comments” I agree with you, it’s none of her business. People like that I want to smack them along the side of the head and say look in the mirror. My family said that for years, I wanted to bring up the dysfunction no matter how mynute and was shut down. In fact I was told that If I was going to be their certain members of my family was not going to go. So I either had to shut up or not attend. To this day it affects my relationship with every member of my family. I am treated “special” like I am contaminated. I beleive those types of people can not find the strength to look at their dysfunction. It triggers their inner world so by not looking at what work they need to do they give lala advice. “Dont be sad be happy”. Keep doing what you feel you need to do because only you can determine what you need.
    Renee

  20. By: Maribeth Posted: 6th July

    Ah Lynda, I can always depend on you- have done a lot this week in spite of the cellulitis- but keep taking too little pain meds and then up half the night- right now my head is just about nodding off- tho the pain parts are saying, ‘good luck with that’!

    It will be nice to undecorated our splendidly box-decorated home!

  21. By: Lynda ~ Out Of The cRaZy Closet Posted: 6th July

    Maribeth and Kate, I think it’s really cool that you were able to talk out your feelings here in the way you did.

    Especially Maribeth, with the big moving stress you have been under, and that horribly hateful thing you were told the other day by someone who helped you move… I really hurt for you, when I read that. You have every right, Maribeth, to be a little confused about what you said in a post. I get that way just on “normal” days! Then, I blame it on menopause.

  22. By: Lynda ~ Out Of The cRaZy Closet Posted: 6th July

    Vicki, I had that happen to me a few years ago, I started a new job and I was having asthma attacks on my job just about every day. I think there was something in the building, one day two of my coworkers passed out, and they evacuated the building immediately and brought in a hazmat crew, but they never found anything wrong.. yet I kept having asthma attacks there, so I finally got a job somewhere else, doing the same kind of work, and, no more asthma.

    I understand how angry and frustrated you must feel. I hope everything works out for you.

  23. By: Maribeth Posted: 6th July

    Kate
    You’re right- I’ve been taking breaks from unpacking to chat here and it looks like my mind is as tired as my bod- thanx for bearing with me.

    For months I’ve been in too much pain/stress etc to read and contribute- not wanting to dig up anything more but now the security and blessing of a new place seems to have brought me to a place where facing the past is easier since the present is ok now.

    bless all of you for being willing to be transparent and patient with each other.

    Thanx Darlene for creating this place online where we can be free.

  24. By: vicki Posted: 6th July

    Well I don’t believe all the people I meet online. I just met someone who thinks saying you were abused by your parents is a “way of excusing your own negative view of life” and that what we “don’t understand is that our parents never set out to give us a faulty map on our journey to adulthood.”
    First of all, I think it’s none of her business to make any comments about one or two incidents that someone has shared that, as usual online, were NOT even directed to her. I also think she’s being judgmental about “people who have no cheerful outlook on life.”
    She’s acting as if she’s been elevated to some ‘special’ status just b/c she’s happy more than these people she’s referring to.
    That annoys me when people “get happy” and then start putting down anyone who hasn’t gotten their brand of happiness and cheerfulness.
    IDK I wonder what others think of her thoughts about what constitutes happiness.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 6th July

      Hi Vicki
      In EFB I only share what worked for me in my healing journey. I had been trying everything else, every other way for years and years. It was when I faced the truth about the past, that I was finally free to live. I tried to avoid the past for years, believing that all that stuff was negative. BUT I was stuck there anyway. Today I try not to concern myself with people who say that “I am doing it wrong” because I found the answer and I have been happy and living in wholeness and depression free for years now.
      Hugs, Darlene

  25. By: Vicki Posted: 6th July

    My parents said that, so I left and got put in juvenile jail for leaving, then was called “incorrigible” by a judge of the county, who’s an elected official (not just any adult, but one who supposedly had status in the entire community) and, from there, I was kicked out of the entire small town I lived in. Given orders never to return, b/c there’s “nothing at home for you.”
    I’m just not going to let what they said determine how I do or don’t feel. I mean I don’t GIVE a shit what they say or think of me, b/c it’s never in a million years going to change.
    I was never allowed to carry a bag of eggs, b/c nobody trusted that a half-blind person could do it without dropping them. I was never allowed to do any work b/c I was “too weird to get along with any other workers,” and all this was decided beFORE I was even given the chance to prove it to myself. Like they could have let me try to work then, if I failed at it, say that. But they said it beFORE I even tried.
    And they’re still doing the same thing today, except Asthma (trust me, it’s gained capital status in my life) is the culprit.
    I was doing gd fine for YEARS. Then, suddenly, I start working for two weeks in food service (I lost my job as a health care worker) and I go and have FOUR ATTACKS within 10 days.
    Sometimes it feels like there’s some gd cosmic force that’s dead set against my ever working and being a useful member of society. Not just a “burden and mendicant,” as Robb’s former friend called me when I didn’t fall down and worship the fact that he works on Wall Street and is “highly regarded, so give me my due.”
    What a surprise, a wealthy person who thinks I’m “poor on purpose.” I think he should look in the mirror if he wants to know where the negative treatment of impoverished people is coming from.
    I’m sorry for ranting, but suddenly I have no idea if I’m going to have my job, all b/c of my asthma rearing its ugly head. I need money. I have bills; and, come to think of it, since they’re health care bills, the guy who snubbed me can look in the mirror for that too. They’re the ones who get so goddam angry at the thought of regular people being allowed to have health care coverage.
    Health care is a service not a goddam business, and everyone deserves the basic service.
    I like everything about the United States except that attitude.
    Now I’ll be quiet. But, at least when you rant online, you can avoid an asthma attack altogether.
    I’m grateful for that and sites like this, although I’m having trouble finding a site for grief that doesn’t demand monetary payment to be a member.

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