I had to begin to value myself somehow, somewhere. It’s hard because we are convinced that our value will come from someone ~parents, friends or lovers OR from something, such as work, success or material gain. But when it doesn’t happen that way we are left wondering; what the heck?
What do you believe about yourself?
~I believed that I had a problem and that I was a problem.
~I believed that I was THE problem.
~I believed that I deserved the abuse.
~I believed that my results (the way that my life turned out) were entirely my fault, but I was not sure what the heck I had done or where I went wrong. I also forgot how young I was when the results of the events began.
~I believed that the solution was in forgetting the abuse and ignoring the past. (just move on)
~I believed that I had to try harder so that I would be accepted.
~I believed that being accepted would be the answer; I had no real concept of accepting myself first.
~I believed that I was guilty for the anger and resentment that I had inside of me because I thought “acceptance” was the answer. I believed that if I could just accept everyone and their devaluing behavior, I would be fine and I spent a lot of energy accepting the unacceptable way that I was being treated.
~I also believed that the unacceptable way that I was being treated was MY FAULT; see point number one and re-read this whole thing…
The cycle of self blame and a faulty belief system goes round and round and causes such a spin that other thoughts have trouble getting through. The truth is foggy and skewed and it gets blocked out. To make matters worse, controllers and abusers like to keep us in that spin so that we never realize that we are valuable intelligent and worthy individuals. If we realize that we are valuable, worthy and intelligent, they might lose their grip on us and therefore lose control of us. This includes ANY kind of control we might be under.
Do you ever take apart a belief and take a look at where it came from? How was it conceived; what were the circumstances surrounding its birth?
Here is what I do;
~I start off by looking at the feeling I am having, usually an uncomfortable one.
~I think about what the “voice” in my head is saying.
~I think about where that voice started and when did it become my belief.
~How did I manage to keep it alive?
~What purpose did it serve then and what purpose does it serve now?
~Does it serve me well?
~Is it still necessary for me to have this belief or is it holding me back?
In my next post I describe a single incident which caused me to face my belief system once again while I was on holidays in Puerto Vallarta this past week. I hope to illustrate the exact process that I use to get to the bottom of the belief and “re-wire” it.
It is good to be home and blogging again! Don’t forget to visit our page on facebook for daily updates and news.
To your increased wholeness!