People who try to Silence Victims Interfere with Emotional Healing

Abusive people forcing silence
when silence serves someone else

I want to validate all the readers who comment here in Emerging from Broken. There is nothing wrong with talking about the pain of child abuse and neglect. There is nothing wrong with healing and becoming empowered by exposing how we lost our power and choice in our lives. We have everything to gain by doing this! I took my life back when I finally validated the pain of rejection that I had felt most of my life at the hands of other people. If the truth is what sets us free then it’s time to expose the truth and talk about it.

I think that fear gets in the way most of the time. Although there is a lot of personal fear when we begin to face the truth about what caused the damage to our self-esteem in the first place, there is also fear that comes up in the people around us too. There are people who can’t stand anyone else facing the truth or facing their fears in case they have to face their own truth ~ so rather than listening or simply ignoring, they have to jump in and try to STOP other people from achieving self-love and freedom from oppression by reprimanding them. Abused people use abuse tactics to keep other people in the prison abuse put them in in the first place.

Although it ‘seems’ logical that everyone would want to escape this prison of oppression , it is surprising how many are terrified to look past it. Fear of facing the truth petrifies many.  Such is the case when back in Feb of 2012 this woman tried to post the following comment (which I did not publish) on a post I had written in October of 2010.  This is a typical example of the lengths people will go to, to shut down the healing process of others in order defend their own choices and deny themselves true freedom and wholeness in their own lives.

Here is what this woman had to say to me and then to the rest of the readers here.  

“Why do you not simply move on? your mother’s dysfunction is NOT yours. Refuse to carry it! She feels inadequate and that’s why so many opportunistic men came through the front door. She was lonely and hungry for acceptance and couldn’t find it. When a marriage partner leaves, it makes the one left behind feeling like the most worthless piece of garbage in the world. (in most case people recover from this and move on)This is what drove your mom from male to male. It was easier for her to blame you for her inadequacies so she could feel some minute sense of worth within herself. This was HER problem NOT yours. Why have you not left the past? Do not view yourself as a victim of your mom’s dysfunction, but as a survivor and move on! We all have a way out, simply walk away. You alone have the power of who or what you allow into your life, into your very soul. Do not feed a bad situation by always going back to it. Move on.

I have been battered as a child and sexually abused, but I am a survivor, and I had to forgive so that I could move on to a mentally healthy life. The people who did that to me had their own baggage to carry. I refuse to carry it for them! I chose to walk away. Become involved with giving of your time to those who are less fortunate than you. This brings great personal fulfilment and satisfaction.

All of you on this site, stop now and move on. Refuse to be a victim and move on from the past. By dwelling on it you give it life and energy. Replace it by giving of yourself to those less fortunate than you. Try omitting the constant drama in your life, you can truly live a remarkable life without it. At first it may be hard as old habits die hard, but immediately tell yourself. “Stop it!” No matter how often you have to reprimand yourself, eventually you will realize a day has gone by without you having to monitor your thoughts. It works. Today and since my 20s I am a mother, grand mother, great grandmother. I have been blessed abundantly. I volunteer with children. They have always been a large part of my life. I worked, OB, Nursery, Pediatrics and today as with many years before I am still their servant. I came on your post because I wanted to recheck myself, that my decision was correct. I saw my daughter and her daughter in what appeared to be a very dysfunctional relationship. I refused to be drawn into it. I’ve made the choice to distant myself from it. I will help if needed, but I refuse to enable. Reading some of your posts has shown me I made the right choice. Thank you

You have, all of you, have allowed a bad situation to define your life, who you are. You have the power to remain as you are or move on and away from it, forgetting what is behind and do not look back.”

Does anyone else feel reprimanded by this comment??

This comment came in on the blog post “Dysfunctional Mother Daughter Relationship Nightmares”.  The article is about my mother accusing me of doing things to “attract” her boyfriends when I was a teenager. The comments about sexual abuse got so graphic that I had to go back and add a warning to people. I have no idea what this woman thought she was going to accomplish by making that kind of comment addressed to me and to my readers and other commenters on an article of this nature!  She encourages “reprimanding yourself” as a way to stop the process of facing the truth. There is NO recovery in self-reprimanding. She actually tries to explain my mothers behaviour, as though if I ‘understood’ my mothers behaviour, that the damage my mother caused me would magically disappear.

I have come to realize however that this comment was about her, the way SHE parented her own kids and was in defence of her own mistakes and really not meant to help any of us in the least.  The truth about that, leaks out in the way she has to include so much about all her own accomplishments.

So many survivors of abuse believe that people who don’t understand or won’t listen to them have never “been there themselves” but in actuality, they don’t want to understand it because they don’t want to face the truth about either the way they were raised and or because they want the same silence and respect from their own children that was demanded of them by their parents. That is the cycle of abuse and how it works.

And her final slam; she writes ~ “I came on your post because I wanted to recheck myself, that my decision was correct. I saw my daughter and her daughter in what appeared to be a very dysfunctional relationship. I refused to be drawn into it. I’ve made the choice to distant myself from it. I will help if needed, but I refuse to enable. Reading some of your posts has shown me I made the right choice. Thank you”  At first this last comment sounded okay until I realized that she says that she read this painful accounts of child abuse and neglect to validate that she made the right choice in her own life. I find that really odd.

I don’t have to give a voice to abusive people in my website about abuse and abusive people. 

If I was going to respond to a comment like this here is what I would say;

 “Don’t tell me how to feel. Don’t tell me that I don’t have a right to my pain. Don’t tell me to get over it and move on. YOU don’t get to do that. I didn’t ALLOW a bad situation to define my life ~ people abused me, neglected me, mistreated and disrespected me and THAT is what defined my life. It wasn’t something I did or deserved. Don’t pretend you understand my mother and defend her! How dare you do that to me in my own website where I am talking about the abuse I suffered.  I am not a victim anymore, but only because I place the blame squarely where it belongs and can talk about this openly, with 100% confidence that I was terribly devalued as a person throughout my childhood and because it became so normal for me to be treated this way, I was also devalued and discounted well on into my adulthood. You advise me to “Become involved with giving of your time to those who are less fortunate than you. This brings great personal fulfilment and satisfaction.” I have the most popular emotional healing website on the entire internet! I am stunned at the level of judgement that you have heaped on me and the other readers here.”

But I didn’t have to write that stuff to her because I didn’t validate her voice in the first place.  And I don’t have to ‘prove’ that my mother was wrong. I don’t have to defend myself. I don’t have to tell her all the reasons I have a right to write whatever I want. I don’t have to validate everyone’s opinion; that is another thing that I was brainwashed about. My voice and the voice of truth was being squished but how dare I squish someone else’s voice EVEN if that voice was abusive. This woman was on the wrong blog! She needs to find a blog that validates abusers and abusive parents and you know what ~ there are LOTS of those websites; this isn’t one of them.

Please share your thoughts on abusive people who try to stop the healing process in other people and how it makes you feel. How can you empower yourself to override them when they try to shut you down?

Exposing Truth one snapshot at a time,

Darlene Ouimet

The Emerging from Broken book is ready for download! If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, get this book today! This 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to healing.  Get yours here through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing


Related Posts ~ Dysfunctional Mother Daughter Relationship nightmares

Standing up to Damaging Advice and Unhelpful Trauma Directives

Darlene Ouimet is a Life Transitions Coach specializing in Emotional Healing .

212 response to "People who try to Silence Victims Interfere with Emotional Healing"

  1. By: Margarita Posted: 27th September

    I want to add something to my message that I missed to include. I noticed in the message of this woman how she makes herself feel good in her own misery by believing she is fortunate and others not! That is exactly what a relative of mine who also was hurt from my abuser, and continues to live under her oppression often points to me how healthy she is and she knows all my life I have been sick constantly, so that makes her feel good for herself. People when talk in front of others that they are better in some way with their life,they do it because they thing that will make up for all other pain they have. Showing me that you are physically healthy and hurting me, is not going to heal your emotional pain inside of you that you are denying. And if that is your choice keep it to you , but you need to hurt others to make up for your pain, so that how this chain of cycle goes on! If this woman was so happy in life , where is her love for her children and grandchildren. Because she needs to feel loved, which she obviously is not receiving from her children she goes to help not so fortunate people and children, so she can feel good for herself! So pathetic and sad!

  2. By: Margarita Posted: 27th September

    This message is sad to read because it shows how many people in our society live in the way they only knew from their parents and choose denial! It is hurtful and I’m glad you posted this message at this time, because it helps me to recognize how my abuser lived and continues to live and will for the rest of her life. My husband and I joke at home that we should call my abuser “saint”, because she feels like God, if she always does only the right things,and she knows it all she must feel like God! The woman that sent you the message appears to be exactly the same way, she is above everybody else and she does not even want to get involved with her daughter and grandchild because they are wrong and she is right, but she won’t interfere! I feel sorry for her but more sorry for the children of people like her. They are the ones who pay the price and are hurt! Darlene, thank you for what you do, thank you for all your help that so many need including me! Please continue doing it and share with all of us what helped you , so we can find in your example our courage and strength to do it for ourselves!

  3. By: alex Posted: 26th September

    have had these speeches myself

    just focus on fun, live, don t look back

    well that s a tough one given my health is completely down the drain for so many reasons so I choose to heal, it s not dwelling, it s unfolding

    I don t understand why people have to sya ‘give to the less fortunate’ for one you state I am fortunate and not allowed to have pain or feel and two you state others are worse off so they are to pittied and helped – only the deserve it?
    and thrid – do you yourself don t allow yourself to feel or heal
    cause others may have it worse?

    doesn t everyone deserve healing without proving first that it s serious enough….

    heard so often, you love music and you love drawing so leave memories and trauma s alone – how can I when they shout so looud to be heard, and why shoudl i not hear them, without feeling and healing what is left of my life….

    as for her statement to leave her dysfunctional daughter s family alone, that s so hard to read

    so many people turned away from the situation we were in as kids

    and to read her state that it s good to do so…… you leave everyone alone so you can help kids you don t know, but the kids you do know that are family – you leave thmem behing – why –

    I got to the point when people start talking as such I ask them to just stop – I m done – if it s your way – so be it – it s not mine – and I will not make it mine.

    I need to feel.

    Thx for sharing

  4. By: Light Posted: 7th April

    She makes the arrogant assumption that her way of healing is the “right” way, and that she will impart – no demand – that others follow her truth. She is in no position to make condescending judgments about the healing process that others go through.

    She sounds kind of overwhelmed, and if she simply tells us to “stop it” she will feel more in control.

  5. By: Laurie Posted: 1st October

    I’ve never commented on your website, Darlene, but I frequently like to give feedback or share my experiences on your Facebook posts. I saw this and I had to comment here as it’s not currently featured on FB. While some who are just at the beginning of their healing process may be venting and justifiably so as they need so badly and deserve to be heard, some of us are well into it and are living the healthy happy lives we’ve always wanted. We are not just complaining. What happens to people who are suffering from abuse related trauma is that they don’t realize what is really wrong. They don’t understand that their minds are full of cognitive distortions or false beliefs that were taught and brainwashed into them since infancy and throughout their childhood years while their brains were developing and they were learning about their identities, their human value, their relationships to others and to the world around them. EFB is a place where many people vent and if you’re ok with that then good. I think it’s good too, but EFB isn’t just a venting site, it’s a learning site. By reading how you came to understand your own cognitive distortions and how they got there, survivors can come to understand their own confusion that leads to depression, low self esteem, DID, and other mental health struggles they have. It answers the question “why am I like this” and “why do I feel this way”. We are taught not to blame others for our choices but our choices are based on our beliefs and those beliefs have a source. EFB is an important tool and one that anyone trying to heal from abuse and the emotional repercussions caused by it, should have in their mental health/healing toolbox.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 2nd October

      Hi Laurie
      Thanks for your comments! Yes, that is what EFB is about!
      hugs, Darlene

  6. By: sahitha Posted: 26th July

    Hi Darlene,
    The post by the reader which you have published was very bossy. She has no idea how to deal with the emotional pain and I do no think she has cleared hers. If she truly has, then she would have been “sharing” her experiences rather than be bossy and “tell” everyone to get over it.

    “Getting over it” doesn’t happen overnight. We have to change the programs in our sub-conscious mind and face the pain like you have mentioned first.

  7. By: Maria Binnie Posted: 3rd June

    This below is what I’d like to set up for all of us that are victims of abuse and who have had attempts made against them to silence truth

    ‘Time to make a stand against child abuse’.
    What would you do if someone you knew had abused a child? If you knew that this person refused to acknowledge the damage that they had caused to that child and had ensured that child be excommunicated from family for voicing. Do you really care enough to openly make a stand and show support by signing a petition against this and all child abuse? I am involving you because I believe society needs to make known to child abusers within their own communities that their abusive behaviour damages that child. That they cannot should not be able to hide behind a facade of being religious people when what they have done is not the teachings of Jesus and what they are doing by not facing up to what they have done by not being sorry for hurting their child and by shutting their child out from family for voicing what is true is wrong & very cruel. So now you have 2 choices. You can choose to investigate the truth of my words with the intention of making a stand against this wrong once satisfied that my words are true. Or You can choose to not believe me without making effort to make sure 100% that I am not speaking truth and in taking this choice then this is your effort measure against child abuse. So if you have made the second choice you need not read any further as you have no intention of making any stand against child abuse as you can’t be bothered to seek truth by your lack of effort alone you are supporting child abuse. Goodbye & I wish you well.
    For those of you who care enough to establish truth so that if required you are then able to make a stand against child abuse I THANK YOU as we can all make small incremental changes if we are brave enough and willing to help as one day with all abuse eliminated we will have heaven on earth. Read on as this situation is relevant in your own community.
    The person who abused me will try to discount the truth of my words & discredit me by claiming i am delusional. I can show you a physiatrist report stating that i am not delusional & will meet with any phychtrist anytime anyplace to be analysed if so requested. My whole life the scene was set for me to be the scapegoat for my parents sins. I have been excommunicated from family for voicing truth. This is cruel & wrong as I am not lying I am not delusional & I can prove it. I am able to undergo any voice analyser lie detector test arranged by anyone anytime to prove i an not lying. The person that abused me cannot will not under any circumstances sit any lie detector test i can guarantee that. Now once you have satisfied yourself of the truth & I tell you the name of the person that sexually abused me you may still find it hard to believe because this person is a woman & a mother she is my mother. There are 2 reasons you may find it hard to believe that this person could do such a thing. Firstly society finds it hard to accept that a mother could do such a thing to their child. Here is a link to research that shows that sexual abuse by females is more common than previously thought, does happen, yet the victim is often not believed because society cannot accept a mother would do such a thing. Secondly you may find it hard to believe she would do such a thing because she seems so nice so caring and of good standing in her religous community. Here is a link to research proving that indeed child abusers seem very often of this outward projection. I am making a stand against abuse of me of all children by public ally naming an abuser who is trying to hide from her wrong doing. The person who abuses must be made aware and accountable & the victim must be supported not cast out. If we all make a stand against child abuse
    that we can move closer to living in a world where love is not lacking so that abuse of our children does not continue on down through our bloodlines. By signing this petition you are showing that you support victims rights to acknowledgment of wrong done, to validation of the damages suffered & to their rights to voice what is true without thrests or actuality of excommunication from family. By signing this petition you are public declaring that abuse of children is not acceptable in your community in our world. We can all make small incremental changes if we are brave and willing to help. Are you? Sincerely Maria Binnie

  8. By: TJ Posted: 29th January

    I was emotionally abused through guilt, manipulation of truth, anger, and rejection. I have heard emotional abuse described as emotional rape–and that is what it has felt like to me, as if I had been violated, and invaded, bm own identity and boundaries disregarded.

    When people have disregarded my pain, telling me that I ought to try more to love and forgive, that my poor mother was just wounded and probably loved me the best that she could, and that what happened doesn’t matter, that I ought to just put the past behind me, I feel as if they are adding to the abuse, agreeing with the abuser that I am weak, inadequate, and ought to do more to be better. They make me feel as if they are standing by my hospital bed defending the ones who beat me up.

    I am fighting for healing and wholeness. I find myself having breakthroughs and taking steps of growth. I am gaining strength and healing, but sometimes it as is more “lies” come bubbling up and I have to fight yet another tiring battle. I have found that pretending the damage doesn’t exist just shoves it down inside where it nibbles away at me filling me with self-doubt and loathing. Only by dragging out a lie and killing it with truth can I overcome it.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 29th January

      Hi TJ
      Excellent observations! I love these comments!
      Hugs, Darlene

  9. By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 21st November

    Hi Shay
    Thanks for sharing a part of your story! I don’t think of myself as a victim anymore either, I ‘was’ one but now I am a thriver and I use my life to inspire others to thrive.
    Thank you for your comments!
    Hugs, Darlene

  10. By: Shay Posted: 20th November

    WOW, can’t believe she said that and I agree with not telling someone how to feel and what they should be doing.

    I chose to no longer see myself as a victim after my last therapy sessions in 2010. I wanted to change myself, I no longer wanted to be a weak person, I wanted to know that I’ve been abused and I’m not wrong or bad for it and the way how my life turns out from here on out is in my own hands and not in the hands of those who have done wrong or want to be in denial. I had a ‘friend’ who wanted me to keep talking about it and making links between my now [and even then] sexuality and how my abuse has affected me. Personally I don’t see the link and I don’t care for the link to be honest because it’s me who counts now in this present moment that matters. She didn’t know at the time that I already had therapy but kept on suggesting it like I needed it. I didn’t. I didn’t want any more of it. She wanted me to stay in an abusive relationship where this man had pinned me to the fridge and raped me when he wasn’t getting the sex he wanted. I wanted to leave because I knew I deserved more and it wasn’t feeling right any more. So that she can come around and be the ‘better one’ who doesn’t have problems of her own.

    At the time I took it and understood where she was coming from but at the beginning of 2011 when I had enough of it. I cut her off and cut her out of my life. She became toxic. Now, as I don’t talk about my past because it’s been accepted for what it is, I won’t even entertain those types of people any more if I do talk. Moving on and no longer being a victim is something the victim does in their own time when they’re ready. Talking about it doesn’t mean that they’re still being a victim it means they’re sharing and can help someone who needs it.

  11. By: Nicky Posted: 15th November

    I want to thank you for your site. I have been pouring over it the last couple of days. Only these last few months have I been able to admit that my mom was an abuser. And sickingly enough my husband and I both were/are. I have gone to my adult children and asked their forgiveness. This has only come around in the last 3 weeks. So everything is raw and confusing. My husband and I were already going on a counseling retreat because I was considering leaving him. All this I’m sure will start to be addresse there. I am facing the hard truth that my husband is neglecting,passive abuse (wow did this explain a lot) emotionally abusive. I have a tremendous amount of shame for redirecting my pain. For keeping my blinders on. And for not protecting my children from the same abuse I experienced as a child. I think once the retreat is over I am going to separate from him. My younger children and I have a lot of healing to do. I am having a lot of fear over this because I have been a stay at home mom most of my life. I don’t have skills to work someplace that actually pays. I know ultimately that’s my insecurity talking. And I probably won’t have too much trouble landing a job becaus people generally like me despite my ridiculous insecurities.

    I guess my questions would be where do I start? When I first read this I though ‘yea that makes sense” but then I read your comments and I could totally see where you’re coming from. But here is my concern I don’t want to be like my mom (the poster) and I don’t want to also be stuck in anger mode. Somewhere there is an inbetween. Accepting,strong,overcomer. But the anger is useful too. I just want to find a balance and not be bitter. And I’m afraid if I get stuck with victim thinking that the bitterness is what will take root. And what steps do I take standing up to my husband to remain strong? I know its an individual processes. But there is so much insight here that I want to be a little bit buffered when we go to the retreat. I’m also having panic attacks when I’m around my husband becasue of the association with my mom. Anyhing regarding this too would be helpful because I will have 4 days with him at a hotel and 3 hour ride in a car. I have no insurance so I can’t see a Dr to get medication. Thank you.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 16th November

      Hi Nicky
      Welcome to emerging from broken
      Thank you for sharing. I am sure that this wasn’t easy for you to share, but wow, I think it is so great. My husband and I had to make plenty of amends and coax open the doors of equal rights and communication with all three of our kids too once we began to see how our parents controlled us and how we learned dysfunctional relationship. It all paid off! Two of our kids are adult and we still have one teenager at home. This healing process takes time for everyone but it is so worth the effort.
      The anger is a stage in the process and it takes time for each stage to live and then be overcome. I tried to skip steps but it never worked. Balance takes time and for me it came with time and clarity. There is no quick way. As far as where to start, keep reading. Read some of my early work first (there is an archive button on the right side bar and there are category buttons at the top to help you navigate) Hang in there and know that this takes time. Even if you could sit down and read the whole blog in a week, (there are over 350 articles and discussions) you would not be able to progress any faster. It really takes time.

      Thank you for sharing.
      Hugs, Darlene

  12. By: Aurele Posted: 4th November

    Hi Sylvia and Kimberly Ann,

    I can totally relate to your stories. I wasn’t allowed to have the least independance too.
    When he met the lawyer to divorce with my “mother”, he asked him to put me tutelage (!), as if I was a disabled person.
    In France, someone are under tutelage when he hasn’t the mental abilities to have his own money.
    He also threatend me to put me in a mental hospital.

    He saved money for me since I was a child, but when I was 19, I asked him to pass my driving my licence with the money and he simply answered “you haven’t the money anymore, I spent it” although he insisted like crazy to force me to pass this exam.

    I couldn’t go out and have friends because he didn’t want to. He said that he didn’t trust me and that I don’t have good people around me.
    Of course I have not, because thanks to his treatement, I attracted only bad persons.
    He is son of a bitch and I pray for his death coming soon. If only he could die soon, I would be so relieved.
    I dream to found him dependant, ill and miserable one day, and to come to see him and to degrate him, to have no mercy, and to frighten him to death as much as he did to me. Just imagine it is so good.

    Yes Kimberly, people reenact the drama of their childhood in choosing an abusive husband or abusive spouse.
    In my house, it was the contraryn, my “dad” the abusive and my “mother” the submissive to him or slave it could be more accurate.

  13. By: sylvia Posted: 4th November

    Hi Kimberly Ann,

    Your mom sounds very similar to mine. She was very jealous of me but at the same time, couldnt let go of me. I didnt bring friends or boyfriends home either, because she always found fault with them, and would nag at me ceaselessly. She started calling me a tramp and a slut when I was 10 yrs old, simply because I wanted to play with other kids. Now of course, I realise that she was projecting her own shame and self-hatred onto me. She talked me out of going to University, and when I announced that I was going to start taking driving lessons, she hit the roof! She called me a selfish bitch who thought of no-one but my self. Bear in mind, I was paying for them with my own money. For decades after, I felt bad about spending my own money, or even HAVING any money! She didnt want me to have ANY independence. She veiwed me as a possession, not a person in my own right. And yes, my father was a passive enabler. But not so passive that he didnt take his anger and frustration with my mom out on me. He didnt dare stand up to her, so he scapegoated me. As a father, he was as good as useless, and every bit as abusive as my mom, albeit in a different way!

    Love, Sylvia x

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