139 response to "Pathetic ways Controllers Make you Feel Guilt and Failure"

  1. By: Jude McDermott Posted: 31st May

    Hi to all, I was spending my day once again thinking of my childhood past. I don’t really think i’v been hard done by but mainly my 2 younger Brothers. Where do I begin, by the time I was 11 years old Both of my parents were full blown alcoholics and us 6 children ranging from 12 down to a 1 year old. My parents didn’t work so we lived on the welfare, with 6 children it was a fair sum of money, except as children we lived in poverty for they drank and smoked nearly every dollar. An example of how we lived, my father would go to this bakery and get a boot load of bread for 3 dollars, this was put in the freezer along with 10 kgs of luncheon processed meat, we as children lived on sandwiches made of stale bread and processed meat. We did’t think life could get any worse but eventually we had no food we were basically living off shop scraps while our parents were in the local pub drinking and having counter meals. Sometimes they would take us with them only to have 6 children wait in the car from 6pm until mid night, the youngest brother was on formula to which I had to mix this in the toilet area. We were so neglected so staved for food and love but we didn’t know what to do. My Mother in her drunken pilled nights would threaten us children that if we told anyone we would go into a home, thus we feared this, now I wish we would have gone into a home, it would have been better surely. Everynight it was parties booze and a houseful of drunks and then the arguing would start and the physical fights, my parents would start on each other, we as children would hide, we would pretend we were asleep, my mother would be yelling out ” you kids come and help me your father is killing me”. We never moved from our beds, shaking in fear, and the thought of what will tomorrow be like. My mother left us 6 kids and ran off with another man, this made my little brothers distraught, my father went on a bender and we never had any food, nothing to take to school to eat, so we basically left school. I loved my Father but he was living on what the Government gave him ie the welfare to which was to provide for us children. We had nothing, us older children would collect coke bottles to cash is to buy food, anything rice mainly, bread with butter and sugar, this was our pathetic life. Somehow we grew up, but we all haven’t weathered the storm well, one of my brothers killed my father in 2003, to which he is in prison, my favourite little brother suicided in 2011 to which nearly killed me, im still recovering. My mother is nearly 70 and a hateful woman, she is not at all remorseful for how she treated us as children, she actually believes it was her god given right to drink the welfare money and with my little brother she said “well he isn’t suffering anymore” she has no soul, truly anyone reading this probably thinks im exaggerating, fact is im minimising what happened. My mother did awful things infront of us children, one day she grabbed a bread knife and cut her wrists in front of us all, my little brother was about 3 years old, that day the 6 children ran and hid in some bushland, escaping the madness. I am months off turning 50 and I am still struggling, especially with the loss of my little brother Jamie, he was 37 years old when he committed suicide, he was male model material, beautiful person inside and out but he saw life as a burden, I tried for 20 years, he was in and out of mental hospitals having shock therapy and I know why he was so depressed, Jamie saw way too much, I was 11 years old and I sort of coped but Jamie was a toddler, exposed to way too much way too young. I just hope my Jamie is at peace now, I at times feel like going to the authorities and trying to expose my mother and to have her pay for the neglect and abuse she created. 6 childrens lives are ruined forever but she sits in her chair and whines that she had a bad time. I don’t feel sorry for me, I feel so deeply and cant forgive what she did to my 2 little brothers. I hear from my mother about once a month and its all about her, how hard she had it, yet her childhood was very upper class, her parents didn’t drink or smoke she was taken on holidays to France, and very spoiled, I look at her upbringing and wonder how could she treat 6 children like animals. Infact worse than animals, its a wonder we didn’t all suicide for we were living off the streets, I look back and cry for I can remember the look on my little Jamies face, the look of fear and I feel so bad that I couldn’t do more to protect his as a baby. In conversation with my mother I said to her “how could you just up and leave Jamie who was just a baby” her reply was “God he wasn’t a baby he was 18 months old”. See il never get an apology from my mother, she has no remorse and infact she does see Jamie as an animal for as she said “atleast he isn’t suffering anymore” well I said that about my old dog that died last year, he was 15 and a half and he was in such pain that the only thing was to put him down and even then I held him and cried as the Vet gave the injection. I am at a loss cause I don’t know anymore if I am wrong for disliking my mother, I am so abused mentally that I some days believe whats coming out of her mouth, its narcistic personality disorder at its worst – she can at any time still play us grown children against each other, and she ravels in delight when we are detached from each other. In 2003 my mother told me that my older brother hated me, this was when my Father was murdered. The stories she told me were awful and I was gutted to the point I didn’t answer his calls and then we lost touch for 10 years. 2 months ago my brother found me on face book, emailed me then phoned me and we just cried that both of us were poisoned against each other. My Brother who suicided is another horror story. My brothers were trying to find me to tell me about Jamie, my mother told them that I knew Jamie had died but didn’t want to go to his funeral, I find out 3 weeks after his death, what happened, my mother denied me of such information. If you girls think your mums are bad, my mother is pure evil, I truly hope God frowns upon her when her time is up for its not fair, I live everyday in grief and this woman ravels in my pain.
    I know this is a huge letter but today well in 17 more days is the anniversary of my brothers suicide and im missing him like crazy. Thanks for reading and if anyone has any advice please please help me.
    thanking you Judy

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 31st May

      Hi Jude
      Welcome to EFB ~ I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you will read more of the information here about how so many of us have taken our lives back from abusive family dysfunction.
      Hugs Darlene

  2. By: sandra Posted: 7th November

    IT is unbelievable…..Darlene’s article (thank you again) and all these posts… so much in common.
    It is always the same pattern: we are trained to explain ourselves constantly, we explain our choices even before we make them (because we are prepared they will be critisized naturally), and guilty, we are gulity 24/7, what is next, oh we are trained to believe we are selfish, simply evil, wrong about everything, but most of all selfish and it is actually THEM who are selfish, big time!

  3. By: sandra Posted: 7th November

    My ex bf claims it was not a quarter life crisis..he says that it was a built up of the last 7 years when I have been totally on my own with everything plus our split plus a new job in 2 different countries plus being an expat in a country I did not like plus worrying about my finances plus my ambitions etc etc that when finally something unexapected happened, sth totally awesome, I was so worn out, so drained that I collapsed. Also I believe I was simply overstimulated, anger, fear, sadness, surprise, happinsess, fear again …and there we go. I keep explaining myself but still I am just so angry for not being strong enough 🙁 🙁

  4. By: sandra Posted: 7th November

    My bf claims it was not a quarter life crisis..he says that it was a built up of the last 7 years when I have been totally on my own with everything plus our split plus a new job in 2 different countries plus being an expat in a country I did not like plus worrying about my finances plus my ambitions etc etc that when finally something unexapected happened, sth totally awesome, I was so worn out, so drained that I collapsed. Also I believe I was simply overstimulated, anger, fear, sadness, surprise, happinsess, fear again all withing 2 motnhs…and there we go. I keep explaining myself but still I am just so angry for not being strong enough 🙁 🙁

  5. By: sandra Posted: 7th November

    I keep telling myself that I have been so great all along anyways.
    That my father has always been abscent, left me alone with a psycho depressed mother who has always hated me. I was 14. than at 18 I stopped talking to both of my parents until last year (6+ years). I had no real guardian, nada. And no money from them. I am a self made woman.
    I do not have one thing that they purchased for me, nothing.
    I realized that just past this year…I had a lot of time to think. TO me it was normal, I got used to that. It had to be that way. Nothing odd in the fact that my sister went to college, did not have to work, it was a private school, fully paid tuition plus all her living expenses, and turns out she is still getting some pocket money from both mommy and daddy (she is 31, married with a kid). My sister never asked me(she is 6 years older) how I was when I was 18, 19, 22…. whether I needed money or not, what my plans were. It was normal that I was working. Who cares if I liked it or not, if I had enough money, if it was my dream job or not, if I was going to go to college or not. Funny thing is, and now I see it clearly…I have been more successful than my sister even though she got everything. Maybe there is a bit fairness in all that. I remember how hard it was for them to swollow when I told them where I was going to work. That’s why they had to ruin it. I was like a sheep…totally unaware. I knew my mother hated me for some reasons though I belived last year that maybe she changed a bit, I wanted to believe that, but I did not realize how mean my sister was.

  6. By: sandra Posted: 7th November

    “abusers and controllers (owners) will always push to see just how far they can go to get you back in line with what they want you to “do” and how they want you to feel”

    It is soooo true…they just keep pushing and pushing and if you do not object they will finally kill you.

    I had a melt down last year and I ended up in the “care of” my mother and sister for a few months. They must have been shocked, for the first time since childhood I gave them power. I now know I had signs of depression, a major breakdown: anxiety, panic attacks, inability to make a decision, no boundaries, no sense of time, forgetfulness.
    My mother who used to be a nurse knew very well what was going on. I felt I was going insane and wanted to go to see a therapist, she said it would be a waste of money, that money is all they want etc.
    oh if I did go to therapy than….maybe it would have saved me from future disaster. Most likely even the most lousy doctor in the world would diagnose me easily. Why in the world a good looking, confident looking, smart 24 year old is having panic attacks, can’t make up her mind, can’t keep a track of her spendings, and all of a sudden feels like she is going nuts? And especially right after she got the job of her dreams? IS it really just because she broke up with her bf? And why does she keep saying “but my mom says”, “but my mom says I am stupid if I stay in this job”, “but my mom says I should not be with him”, ” but she says I am ungreatful (sic!) if I take this job and I should already be making serious money by now (really?where was she at the age of 24??), and she says who is going to take care of me”, “and she forbid (sic!) me to call my sister, I am supposed to talk just to her because I worry my sister too much”.
    Misery by Stephen King anyone?

  7. By: sandra Posted: 7th November

    I am still struggling with what happened to me this past year.
    I am reading about the so- called quarter lifer crisis 🙂
    I do not know if that’s what it was or was it a major break down.
    I am pissed because even though for instance I have always had a hard time with saying “no” to people, I had my ways of getting exactly what I wanted (I just kept quite most of the time).
    I am so pissed at myself that last year could have been my F break through and it turned into a nightmare that I am still living now. I do not know what happened to me, I was for the first time in a long time so vulnerable, like a child. I let them steer and manipulate me. I keep beating myself up for it.

  8. By: DarleneOuimet Posted: 7th November

    DXS
    That is exactly how it works! (in their heads!) They think that we will see the light and conform to their way of thinking because that is what we always did before. At the end of the day, healthy functional relationship is only possible if both parties see each other as equally valuable. That means that when they HEAR you, they actually HEAR you!
    hugs, Darlene

  9. By: DXS Posted: 7th November

    then after she went back to her ways like nothing happened.

    Same with my Mom. Five years ago, when I brought this all up to her, she said “she had no idea I was so upset…..” Then a few weeks later, she said, “Our relationship has really improved…”

    HUH? NO IT HADN’T! She took the attitude of “now that we have talked…. my daughter will see the light and be what I want her to be….”

  10. By: c.a. Posted: 7th November

    After dealing with my mothers ways for years, I finally decided to google “mums who make their daughters feel guilty” and found your helpful page. i’m 21 and still living at home, I can feel the things mum says to me to be effecting me emotionally and i’m scared for how I will be in the future to myself and to my future children. my mum makes me feel worthless and undeserving of love and happiness outside of home. she still doesn’t think I’m old enough to have a boyfriend, and I have to give reasons for when I go see my friends or do things that aren’t with family members. it’s always “I don’t understand why you have to go out?!” I feel so stunted in a way. I don’t have my license, many friends or even a life. she makes me feel like a child who needs permission for everything. I worked up courage earlier this year to tell her exactly how she makes me feel and she cried and said she had no idea. then after she went back to her ways like nothing happened.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 7th November

      Hi C.A.
      Welcome to EFB ~ I totally understand what you are sharing here. I am sorry that when your mom appeared to have heard you, she returned to the same devaluing actions and treatment. That is way too often the way it goes. I hope you will keep reading this website for more insight and support.
      hugs, Darlene

  11. By: Belinda Posted: 10th March

    I was reading all of this and I thought I was the only one who had to go through all of this with my mother. She basically let me do anything I wanted to when I was a teenager and I do mean anything. I now realize that is when I needed her to be my “mother” the most. I am now 49 years old and having to live in her home because I am disabled and cannot take care of myself. No matter what I say to her, she says I am being hateful to her especially when what I say is not what she wants to hear. Her famous thing to say is “One day you will be sorry for the way you have treated me” and “Don’t come to my funeral when I die”. She really lays it on thick. Her husband has sexually assaulted me and she blames it on me. She thinks that I am sleeping with him and between the two of them, I am about to loose my mind. I have no where to live. I am so tired of defending my self and feeling like I have to beg for love. I will never make her happy. She is the same with my brother and sister but worse with me. For some reason, she is jealous of me. Lord knows I don’t have anything to be jealous of. I know I sound like I am rambling but I have never written any of these feelings down and it’s just coming out randomly. She now says that she has been a wonderful mother to me and I should be ashamed. Most of the time, I try to keep my mouth shut to keep the peace but that doesn’t work all the time. I can say I feel really bad today and her typical response is, “You don’t know what it’s like to feel bad”. I see a psychologist and a therapist and I am on medication for depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. But, no matter how much medicine I take, that empty undeserving feeling never goes away.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 10th March

      Hi Belinda
      Welcome to EFB
      Thousands of people read this site every single day. You are certainly not alone!
      Please feel free to share as much as you like. You don’t sound like you are rambling to me. It was really helpful for me when I got those feelings out, it was a big part of my healing.
      Hugs, Darlene

  12. By: Barbara Posted: 3rd March

    Boy oh boy do I relate to this one. I got so tired of being blamed. Of course I married a Narc who to this day blames me for everything including the weather (we’re estranged) He does it in front of the kids now who just look at him as if he’s lost his mind; which is validating. They’ve learned he’s a blamer and I can see them being careful what they reveal around him because of it.

    My Narc mother blamed me for everything. If my GCBrother stepped out of line or caught her doing/saying something – somehow I was to blame for ‘making him’ do that. I dated guys who were blamers too. One of them blames me for his actions towards me to this day. Actions which were traumatizing, heinous and inexcusable.

    Back when it hit me that it wasn’t me and was never me I felt relief and anger. That blame stole from me, that brainwashing stole from me. MyNarcMother routinely said things to me like:

    “you’re a freak, no man would ever want you”

    “you smell bad”

    “you’re just doing this to upset me” (being ill or hurt)

    “you don’t know how to dress”

    “you’re an embarrassment”

    and her MANTRA: “I know you live your whole life just to hurt ME”

    Now I know all of that was complete B.S. I spent years trying to figure out why my NarcMother thought that and now I know it was all part of her self-serving delusions and to control me be making me feel “less than.” It came from hateful envy, projection and selfish control. None of it was real because to her I wasn’t a person. Any steps I did make towards personhood were roundly rejected and scorned.

    She wondered why I moved 300 miles away. I think the topper was when I found out she took out life insurance on me so she could “bury me” since I obviously wasn’t going to make it on my own. A few years after I moved she sent me papers to sign so she could cash it in. I realized many years later, she’d forged my signature on the original documents but didn’t want to take that chance on the cash in. She was angry I was still alive & thriving and she never got over it.

    I took a lot of healing steps towards personhood but it wasn’t until her passing 12 years ago that I felt safe to feel the rage at what had been stolen from me. No more. And my children are treated by me with love & respect. At 15 they have yet to give me any trouble, either Darlene.

    <3

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 3rd March

      Hi Barbara
      Thanks for sharing! My mother said similar thing too. It was ‘always all about her!’
      Love your comments about “my children own me nothing!” I feel the same way about that! (and that goes for ALL children! Love is never about obligation and children who are loved, will reciprocate that love, NOT out of obligation but out of love!)
      Hugs, Darlene

  13. By: Lora Posted: 2nd March

    Hi Darlene! Wow! does this subject matter ever bring up a lot. The layers I am peeling back just from this are amazing. It’s heartbreaking to discover how untreated, unhealed wounds turn people into monsters. My Dad told me awhile ago after him and my mom were separated that my mom said she would take me and he could have my sister. He then told me that my mom was meaner to my sister than me (like that made me feel so much better)once again “I” my abuse was dismissed. I realize how much in denial he is and I’m sure on some level he realizes he did not protect us the way he should have. I know he feels guilt etc for what when on and once again I find myself thinking…hello, did anyone even no I was in the family. Once again I realized how my mom used “me” as a weapon against my own sister. I now understand my sister’s jealousy towards me because she must have felt so unloved and that she was in competition with me. This hurt me too because I never realized how afraid of my mom I really was. I did whatever she wanted me too just to keep peace in the family. I didn’t realize how much I “worked” at being a part of my family. It was exhausting trying to figure out the rule of the day in order to cope. If my mom was triggered by something “we” did well all hell broke loose. It was all about what we did wrong so trying to figure out what would keep mom calm was a real challenge. Not having needs seem to work best which is what I’m dealing with today. I now understand why giving to others is easier than “receiving” love. I’m in a place now where I am letting love in more and doing lots of energy work (Reiki etc) Who knows what else lurks beneath me still and I’m getting stronger at facing it because of this support and counselling etc. Excuse the language but the F$#$# anger that I am plowing through is so intense sometimes I go numb. I’m learning to let it out slower to release it all. I love that I can express my feelings like this with people who really get how challenging this work is. I struggle with my emotions because I was taught to suppress them. My Dad tried to over compensate the negative by being “too nice” he always asked me to understand what the other person was going through and for me to be more understanding. He has no idea how F$%$ up this made me emotionally. I learned to discount every feeling I had and I blamed myself for having them. The shifts I am making right now have created all this positive energy in me and it’s taking time to adjust to it all. I feel safer in my own body. I understand my suicide attempts better now. I was trying to escape my own body from the abuse. I actually had an out of body experience as a child but thought who the hell would believe this. I have been drawn to information that has validated this experience and I just can’t believe what my sister and I endured. My sister was my protector most of my life and at times she would abuse me too. I was the lowest on the totem pole so I felt like the family garbage can. I can’t tell you how grateful I am to be validated for what I went through. I finally feel compassion for “myself” and I just cry for hours sometimes. I just want to give everyone in this group a big hug and tell you I love you. You are so worth this healing and I really hope you continue to love yourself the way you deserve. Keep plowing through the crap because it really does get better and the best part is you discover what an amazing, loveable person you really are. Journey on, love you all.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 3rd March

      Lora
      Realizing all this stuff is huge. (and valuable!) I know it can also be exhausting and I am very glad to hear that you are showing yourself compassion! That is HUGE too!
      I had some out of body exp. when I was being sexually abused, and I clearly remembered them. I thought if I told anyone that would “prove” that I was nuts, so I kept it to myself. When I finally told a therpist I found out that it is the most common coping method for kids under 6 ~ and that once it starts, (called dissociating) it can become the favorite coping method, which it did for me although I don’t always remember leaving my body, I just ‘checked out’. My process of healing involved a lot of learning to ‘stay’ with myself. Thinking of it as ‘staying with myself’ instead of just staying present helped me a lot.
      Thank you for your comments! Lots of great insight and self support in them!
      Hugs, Darlene

    • By: Ericka Posted: 29th November

      LORA!

      I know this is from 2013, but I feel compelled to reply. I hope you see now that it was all worth it, because who you’re now, is truly spectacular. You realize that your parents are flawed, their parents were flawed etc. And it’s up to every generation to take the time to understand their family, themselves, because that’s where change happens. I could relate on the deep anger that spewed out into or onto the wrong place/person. I have suffered from depression on and off my whole life. Much of my life was spent in my room bawling my eyes out. I remember feeling like I wasn’t going to make it as a teenager. Part of me laughs, the other part is grateful to have pushed through. You may look like you have it all together, but the truth is always in the eyes and with the vibes. Your life becomes self sabotage and it’s regular for you. But alas, there will come a day. You have to take care of yourself mentally, physically, and spiritually. You have to spend lots of alone time with yourself. You’re your own therapist! You have to work on your mind everyday, all day long. Set small goals and go for it. I feel so deeply for everyone and everything, I think most of us who come from such situations or worse are the same. Maybe our job is to heal ourselves, so we can help others find their way. I could feel your sincerity jumping out through the screen!! It inspired me, made me feel safe, and really good! I want to be able to create that for others as well. So thank you for that!

  14. By: D Posted: 2nd March

    Hello everyone. I have yet to share on this site but I wanted to say how much I appreciate coming here and hearing from everyone else. In my case it was (and still is) my father that was abusive in the ways you all were abused by your mothers… I am hoping to be able to post about it all soon.

    Dave, you are NOT alone. I promise you, I understand the feeling that one is completely alone in the world but please, every time that idea pops in your head, tell it NO I AM NOT and delete it. You are not alone. We are all here for you – if not in person, then in spirit and just by sharing here, you ran miles towards recovery all in one fell swoop. Keep your chin up, your thoughts positive and continue to share. If people won’t listen, keep a journal. Write a letter to you abuser and let it all out then burn the letter. And if you need a hug, hug yourself. Seriously, wrap your arms around yourself and say to yourself” I love you, no matter what anyone else says or thinks, I love you”. Your wife loves you. And the child that will come to you will love you too. You are not alone.

    Blessings to you all. You are ALL greatly appreciated!
    Hugs,
    D

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 3rd March

      Hi D
      Welcome to EFB
      I was abused by both my parents I just write less about my father. The current post (if you press the home button) is about my father and there is a ‘father daughter button” if you put your mouse on the ‘family category button’ a drop down menu will appear.
      Thank you for sharing!
      hugs, Darlene

  15. By: Annie Posted: 14th February

    Hi Darlene-

    Found your site last night and have read a few posts. Very helpful and validating stuff here.

    I have just really truly realized how controlling my mother tries to be. Looking back I never realized what a lot of that behavior was. Mine uses guilt, as in, if others are doing certain things then I should certainly be doing my part. And if I’m not a selfish, uncaring, callous individual. (OK now I’m putting words in her mouth, but she definitely has used the word selfish to describe me…now I realize it was self preservation.)

    I’m awake from the FOG but I think I’m in shock, afraid to feel all of it. Thankfully I’m in therapy. I also think it’s a process too, since some things have clearly gotten by me and then BAM, one day it hits me…”Oh that’s what that was.”

    I have also come to realize that my family triangulates. My father and brother and my mother and sister. It’s creepy and manipulative.

    I believe I’m in the midst of PD’d people and at the moment I’m biding my time so I can make a safe exit.

    Anyway, thanks for the blog. I’ll be reading.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 15th February

      Hi Annie
      Welcome to EFB (Yesterday was a particularly busy day for the blog so if I already welcomed you, please forgive me. I think there were over 60 comments that came in yesterday all over and I have lost track!)
      It is totally normal to have a fear reaction when we start to come out of the fog. I think I faced fears for over 2 years in this process, and then a whole other set of fears when I went public with my story ~ but it was well worth it.
      Sounds like you have found the right blog. I look forward to your comments!
      Hugs, Darlene

  16. By: Jackie Posted: 9th December

    I too have a very controlling mother and earlier this year, I had to walk away and shut the door on contact. I am 52 and she is 70. Her husband (my dad) is dead, but when I was a child and a teen, he was an alcoholic who was often out of control and always unpredictable. I was the first child and I guess I was supposed to be the one on which they piled all their hopes and dreams…
    My mother was the codependent enabler, the martyr, the “look at me I work so hard to care for others and neglect myself” type, the “Good Catholic Wife,” and nobody can hold a candle to that, right? Everyone called her a saint, I kid you not. I’d hear, “Your mother does so much for others, she’s such a wonderful person” from other people who did not know how much of a hot mess she really was at home.
    My dad, what a drunk he was. He’d beat her up and she’d take him back (actually, she never threw him out). She’d drag him out of bars, with me in tow. She’d take him to the hospital when he drank to the point of coma and internal bleeding and took pride that she “kept him alive.”
    He’d stay dry for a few months or years, and I was supposed to “get over” the bad times because of this.
    Then he’d have another blowout- more calls from employers, the cops, the hospital, her pulling vodka bottles out from under the car seats, the whole nine yards and if I, God forbid, said something about it, I’d get smacked across the mouth. “Your father puts food on the table and keeps a roof over our heads” she’s scream.
    I can barely contain my rage these days.
    She of course now denies much of this narrative, saying “It wasn’t so bad.” “That didn’t happen.” “You made that up.”
    She has enlisted my brother, who is a divorced, dysfunctional mess himself, against me.
    She did not visit me after the birth of either of my kids. She had an excuse each time. “Taking care of your father, your grandmother, bla bla bla.” I even offered to pay for a plane ticket, how can someone not want to be there for the birth of her first grandchild?
    She did not congratulate me after I graduated from college as an adult. This was about 10 years ago. So…whatever. To heck with it. I gave up, and I refuse to try anymore.
    She is just a bitter old harridan steeped in her own denial and after some final nasty exchanges I essentially told her where to get off, and how to do it. Then, I was finally able to rid myself of my other crutch- antidepressants. She can have them.
    I’m glad I found this site. I know I’m not the only one, and it’s good to read and share other people’s experiences.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 9th December

      Hi Jackie
      Welcome to EFB!
      You found the right website! There are hundreds of articles about all this here, all with discussions. Controlling manipulative people will go to any lengths to shift the blame on to someone esle in order to be right. I found my freedom by seeing the truth about the damage that had been done to me and setting the false messages that I was brainwashed with, back to the truth. There is freedom on the other side of this! Thank you for sharing and please feel free to share often.
      Hugs, Darlene

  17. By: Melody Posted: 2nd November

    Dave,
    I can relate to your commments regarding telling people about your family and abuse. I have friends who have “run” as well. No one wants to acknowledge abuse in families. (Especially my own FOO) Since the truth came down and hit me hard in the past year, I struggle with telling or not telling people about it. I tend to be the truth teller, which I think is a big reason my Nmom hates me and always has. I talk about secrets that she wants to keep hush hush. But mother has done these things to me and I realize that it is abusive now.If my sibling cannot relate it’s their problem, they have their own truth. Since she is so sneaky and no one is ever in the room or on the phone when she abuses, she just labels me a liar for everything I say. (Every truth.) There is no winning in this scenario, everyone believes her because she plays the sweet little martyr. She is not sweet to me. She growled and snarled at me last time we spoke she was so angry. Then the last thing she said was “If you are so bothered by everything I say then maybe you should stop speaking to me.” OK, so that’s what I did, stopped speaking to her. My Ndad was also abusive and competitive my whole life. If my husband and I got something nice they would try to up us, if we had a favorite show and told them they would claim that it was their favorite. If we went to a good restaurant they would make it their favorite and on and on. Who competes with their own children? It is sick. These are just symptoms of the whole disease of abuse. I have stopped contact for now and do not expect it to ever get better, the games that were played on me and my family this year makes me want to vomit. But, at least it is clear now it was abusive, manipulating and controlling all along. Had I known and had support as a little girl my life could have turned out better I think. Instead of wasting all of these years struggling against abuse, I could have turned my back on it sooner. I suppose I can’t change the past but just go forward with knowledge.
    Strength and support to all…Peace.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 2nd November

      Hi Melody
      Dysfunctional people compete with their own children. Yay for going forward! You sound really good!
      Hugs, Darlene

  18. By: kelly Posted: 2nd May

    thank you so much Darlene..i really needed to know someone know what I was feeling.you hit it right on the head! again thank you for the comforting words..hugs back to you.

  19. By: kelly Posted: 2nd May

    again I let her get to me!I set myself goals to keep me focused on a trip I wanted to go on. Cleaned the porch,all closets,my job had ended which gave me time to go(private nursing) patient died,so im free.Set up a family reunion with my dads side of the family.My 48 year old sister died in Nov. her son(my God child ) is graduating from high school.AND I have a grade school reunion.and fit it all in a week in Cleveland.Spoke to my brother-in-law,was going to give me some money for the trip.My mother and brother are driving up for grad. and family reunion.I wanted to drive up with my mom and brother and take a greyhound back for 89.00$ My mother,who I’m assuming did not like this said no to going with them! What? are you kidding? I am so upset I ant see strait. She did it again,God forbid she be nice to me. She stated she never says no ,but the fact is she never says yes to me!This is the mother,that at my sisters funeral said to my brothers”I’m so glad I have you”I know we never get along…everything is a competition with her and I. this time she won!!!It’s not very comforting to know you are the child she would have rather had die than either of your sisters.She said she was so upset at me for asking,the shaking from her Parkinson had kicked into high gear and she had to go…I cant stand it! help

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 2nd May

      Hi Kelly
      Accepting the truth of this is very painful. As I grew stronger and saw the real truth, I realized that my mother/family didn’t win; they lost. They lost me. I won my life back! I don’t have to compete anymore. I don’t have to get frusterated or constanly be reminded of how I fell so short of her expectations.. and maybe she is having a party; her problem (which in her view was me) is no longer a problem!
      Hang in there Kelly!!
      hugs, Darlene

  20. By: D C Posted: 3rd April

    Hi Folks,
    I am going to need some major feedpack and support. I can feel the storm on the horizon. This is an excerpt from the letter I left for my mom tonight, Tuesday, April 3rd.
    ___________________________________________________________

    I appreciate you helping me and giving me a decent place to live.

    If you guys are sick, or need help doing anything,
    I hope you know I will be there for you.

    Right now, I think the best way for us to not have any more misunderstandings or disagreements is for me to not be involved in too many unnecessary conversations.

    I do not like coming upstairs and having (Stepdad) look at me, walk past, and not even speak. That is so rude.
    Respect works both ways. He is just that way, I know, I have been told that more than once.

    When someone tells me or I know I have done or said something to hurt someone else, I know how to say I am sorry.
    Some people make excuses and never see their wrong, only what someone else has done.

    I am writing this, because I don’t want to be yelled at, or told my behavior or feelings are wrong. If you guys are going to be mad because I am telling the truth about how I feel. I guess I will pay the price for being an adult and sticking up for myself.

    Please don’t tell me I am crazy or believing things that never happened or you don’t know what I am talking about.

    Love D C

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 3rd April

      Hi D.C.
      Welcome to EFB
      Good for you for saying what you needed to say and for sticking up for yourself! Please share as often as you wish,
      Hugs, Darlene

  21. By: Barbara Amaya Posted: 26th March

    Hi Darlene, Dave and all, speaking went so great, it helps me and others, yes Dave I did have laser surgery, and no I do not mean that endometriosis is caused by abuse, sorry if it sounded like that. I am not aware that is is caused by that. I had lots of pain from it though and I was not able to get pregnant because of it and scarring I had also. It sounds like your wife is greating great treatment, and I hope you guys will have your wished come true of having a baby. I know my daughter who is 23 now is a great blessing to me every day. I am grateful that I have her, and now my little grandson who is 6 in my life. I am exhausted from sharing my story of abuse and living on the streets of New York as a young girl, take care, good night

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 27th March

      YAY Barbara
      That is so great! thank you for sharing your update about speaking.
      Hugs, Darlene

  22. By: Dave Posted: 26th March

    barbara – thanks for sharing ! Hope your speaking engagement goes well tonight. When you say you had “treatment” for endemetriosis do you mean surgery ?

    Are you saying that endemetriosis can be caused by abuse ? Do you have any other info on that ? first time that i have heard of that. I dont think my wife is aware of it either. She did grow up in an abusive home environment(verbal and emotional abuse) and she was date raped in college. No one has ever linked the endemetriosis to abuse. Her ob/gyn just said that her body produces excess estrogen which in turn causes endemetriosis. Her ob made it sound like this was definitely the cause. My wife has a LOT of it. She had to have a filopian tube removed during the surgery and she still has more that the dr was unable to remove because of where its located. any more info you have on this would be greatly appreciated !! Thanks !!

    dave

  23. By: Barbara Amaya Posted: 25th March

    Hney Dave, (and everyone else) I had endometriosis and was an infertility patient because of years of abuse too, my organs were very messed up. I had treatment for the edometriosis in June and I was pregnant with my beautiful daughter in July. Just wanted to tell you it can happen, keep the faith. I have been busy lately and ‘lurking’ not posting much guys. I will be speaking tommorrow, Monday, night for the first time about my past. I was asked by a Standupforkids.org, an organization that works with runaways, like I did so many times when I was young. It will be my first time speaking in public and I am so nervous, but I feel a real calling to do this. I want to tell my story so I can help others. Please say a prayer for me ok? Dave, I know you all can have your baby if that is what you truly want, take care, Barbara

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 26th March

      Hi Barbara
      That is excellent! I will be thinking about you at your speaking engagement. I am sure that you will be great! Amazing things happen when we are willing to share our stories and victories with others who are looking for a little hope and encouragement. We are not alone!
      hugs, Darlene

  24. By: Dave Posted: 25th March

    Thanks Darlene and Deb – I appreciate the feedback. Keep reminding me Darlene. For some reason i just dont think i can do it alone. I dont know why but i keep thinking i need someone else (besides you 🙂 to help me get through this. the pain has been so long and so deep and so much that it gets overwhelming. I cry every day. I grieve the abusive childhood and the childhood i never had and the loss of family and not being able to have children and the loss of many friends. I just continue to grieve the many, many losses in my life. I had no idea how much pain and anger i had inside me. No clue. It just comes up every day now. Its pretty much right there every morning when i wake up. I have no choice but to deal with the pain. I pretty much just eat, pray, work, spend a little time with my wife and dog and try and journal and work on my stuff. I have to get better. There is no way i can just continue on like this the rest of my life. there has to be an end to my pain and grief and suffering. Its been a very long, difficult, painful road.

  25. By: Deb C Posted: 25th March

    Dave, I spend much time alone, or with my boyfriend. I socialize when I want to. I am not working right now.
    I have trust issues with females (my older sister is like my mom, and loves creating drama/conflict.) Since I told her (my sister) 3yrs ago I can’t trust her, and will not confide in her anymore, she does not call much. When she does, she does not ask me about my personal life. Most comments I make when we talk are questioned, devalued or criticized. I text my sister, more than I phone. Sometimes I cannot stand her voice!!!!! My mom does not remember telling me, my brother or sister things that caused us kids to be at odds with one another. I pray and depend on God for healing of mind heart and soul. I do not engage in organized religion. Many Christians can do more harm than good with their rehearsed answers, phony testimonies, and fear of the “truly broken people.” We who talk about our brokenness cause others to think about their brokenness. “Good Christians” must not show any anger, hate or doubts. Bullshit!! Jesus was verbally and physically abused, hated, envied, betrayed, mocked and killed. He hated the sin, but loved the person. I love my mom and sister, and will be there if a true emergency, illness or crisis came to be.
    I can love, and keep my distance to protect myself (Somewhat harder since my mom lives upstairs. Sister is in CA). God understands this more than I do……………….

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