Official Notice to Oppressors, Abusers and Perpetrators

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Official Notice to the oppressors, abusers and perpetrators of emotional and psychological abuse;   ~ you were wrong about me. You ARE wrong about me.  I don’t need YOU to make me better. I am better than you know. I am stronger than you ever dreamed. I don’t need you to make me anything.  I am better without you. Watch me fly and wave good bye to you from my position of freedom high above the clouds.

“Sometimes our teachers teach us more than they themselves have learned” Darlene Ouimet

You smiled at me, nodding and tilting your head as though you really understood what I was telling you. You made it easy for me to talk about my pain.  I felt heard. I felt like finally someone understood.  No one had ever really understood me. Certainly no one had ever validated my pain. And since validation was what I needed, it was so easy for you to use that knowledge against me. You validated me yes, but in the end it was only so that you could get what YOU wanted. You were a predator but I was so starved for acknowledgement that I didn’t recognize you as one.

All the while you smiled and listened attentively you were thinking about how you could capture me for your own and take me for your own possession. But I didn’t see it.

I kept telling myself that you would never take advantage of me. I must be misunderstanding the tiny red flags coming up for me; I always misunderstood… all my life I had been told that I misunderstood. I thought that I must be misunderstanding again.

And we talked about my “trust issues”.

I was high with the new feelings of being heard, being validated and being seen. I did not consider that I was being groomed again. Everyone in my past had wanted something from me. Everyone took advantage of me. With men it was often something to do with sex or sexuality.  And this time the warning signs about sex were not present, so I missed the other signs. No one ever wanted me for my brain. No one saw my potential before, in fact, I was used to being treated like I was stupid and incapable. I was so excited to be valued for my brain that I didn’t realize that your motive was just different than what I was used to. Your motive was just as selfish however.   

You wanted me for what I could do for you. 

You threw me crumbs off your table as though I was lucky to have them.  I begged for those crumbs and I believed that I was SO LUCKY to have them until I realized that I am capable of providing the entire meal and that I don’t need you or your pathetic crumbs.

I am not interested in the kind of “love” you have in mind. I know this feeling that I have been tricked this way before. The tactics are familiar, only the details and outcomes have changed.   

I thought you were different. I thought you SHOULD have been different. You were a respected “professional”. You were a “Christian.” You were all the things that I thought meant ‘safe’.

You thought I was ‘nothing’ and you regarded me as such. You thought that I was insignificant compared to you. Well look at me now.

You tried to steal my gifts by telling me that I didn’t have them. You tried to convince me that without you I would not survive. How was I to know that you were manipulating me? How would I have known that you were thinking about what I could do for you, while I thought you were thinking about me; planning how you could take my gifts and make them yours while you took the credit and left me in the darkness.

You are like all the others. Just like all the others. 

You regarded me as though I was stupid; as though I would never catch on. Just like all the others. You are just as pathetic as you taught me THEY were. You are a pathetic blur along with all of the other abusers and oppressors in my past now.  

I thought I needed you but I was wrong.

You can’t have my mind. You can’t have my body. You can’t have me. Don’t touch me again with your poison. The truth has destroyed my respect for you. The truth has set me free.

All my life when men were convincing me that they were trying to “love me”, and make me feel good, they were really only trying to suit themselves. They were preparing the ground for their own pleasure and their own harvest. It was never about me or my feelings. It was all a grooming process. Even in some of the work projects that I did, this exact same grooming process took place. I was less than a prostitute since I never got paid. My contribution was dismissed as unimportant and as though I would never expect to be given any credit in the first place. Without acknowledgement, I now realize that your gratitude was glaringly insincere.  

 I thought it was love, to serve in this way. I thought you were love. And in truth, you were the same as every other predator. Misusing your power to empower yourself; using me to glorify you.  Never seeing ME as an individual with as much value as you saw in yourself.

And you believed all along that I wanted to serve you; you believed that I wanted to be your puppet. You acted like you were doing ME a favor because you regard yourself so highly and me so lowly. I am sure you thought ~ who wouldn’t want to have the privilege of sitting at your feet? And I believed it. I thought I was so lucky that you picked me.  You picked me. I was actually grateful.

As though the fact that you picked me defined me as “worthy”.  I have made that same mistake many times and with many other people in the past, but I see the truth more clearly now.

You are not more important than me. You are just like all the rest. I reeled with the shock of that truth.  You are just like the ones that you warned me about. 

You didn’t see ME, you only saw what I could do for you.

You did not value ME but only valued what I could do for you.

You are no different than any other predator.

But you were wrong about me. You ARE wrong about me.  I don’t need YOU to make me better. I am better than you know. I am stronger than you ever dreamed. I don’t need you to make me anything.  I am better without you. Watch me fly and wave good bye from my position of freedom high above the clouds.

Please share your thoughts. Think carefully about the people who fit this post in your own life. Originally this was a letter to one specific person, but as I wrote it, I realized it was to a former pastor, and to a priest, a few therapists, a few “friends” and a doctor that I had once. When I was editing it I realized that it applied to a much greater list of people in my past then I had first intended.

Exposing Truth;

Darlene Ouimet

The Emerging from Broken book is ready for download! If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, get this book today! This 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to healing.  Get yours here through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

 

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106 response to "Official Notice to Oppressors, Abusers and Perpetrators"

  1. By: Light Posted: 11th January 2016

    Wow Kris your whole post is exactly where I “am” right now. You put into words what is in my heart. This year my mother also showed me that she no longer wants to try to reconcile…in fact she didn’t even bother responding to some suggestions I made. Kaycee your post resonated as well, and I can say that, like Kris, I am feeling better as time goes by. I don’t blame myself so much and see my FOO members more clearly now. It’s been a long time since I’ve cried in bed for hours or days after a family get-together and that used to happen pretty regularly.

    I’ve been thinking about how much therapy I’ve had to “deal with” family issues. Lots of tx, lots of tears, lots of self-help books — but I didn’t get better because I still engaged with my family!!! Once I reduced that — as awful as it is, and as much as I wanted a family — I started to truly feel better.

    I feel “done” and the little bit of a taste of emotional freedom has given me momentum. I need to fly free!! and not be encumbered by feeling angry, guilty, put down, ignored, traumatized, etc. I no longer am willing to try to get anyone to change, pushing people to give me attention, care and love.

    One concern I have now is how I will open my heart to others. I can’t tell if I’m really detached from my FOO, or have shut down my heart and kind of steeled myself from feeling anything and have gone numb. Yes I feel things day-to-day, but not as strongly. Maybe this means I’m creating a world around me that is healthier, because there’s less trauma. I want to be free to love and love in many ways: love myself, pets, friends, children, partner, hobbies, activities, nature, spirit.

  2. By: Lisa Giering Posted: 12th January 2016

    Just found this site. Adopted as an infant, I was always told I was not what she wanted or had hoped for, and my mother, possibly bipolar, was horrifically toxic and cruel. One of the things I struggle with is that my mother @ 85 after several strokes has lost all her pith…she seems small, and fragile, and I find myself wondering if I somehow imagined all her venom & abuse. I know my value and worth now, and have managed to break any cycle; I no longer “befriend” toxic, narcissistic people, getting swept into their vortexes, I did over 2 years of weekly therapy, learning I had been trained at as a toddler to “adapt” (expecting nothing, taking blame, trying harder and giving more, practically turning myself inside out trying to be loved), and have broken those patterns for the most part, and thankfully she wasn’t any more interested in being a grandmother than she was being a mother. I have been a wonderful mother to my four grown children, and have wonderful relationships with them. I fear what I will experience when it is truly OVER…I feel this tug to TRY…even though I left home from 13-16, again @18, went years without communication and she seemed fine, didn’t reach out ever, moved on without me…this weird guilt, like I should not give up, which is ridiculous. She has always used faith as her battering ram – “you need Jesus, he will fix you.” Not only SHE didn’t think I was good enough, but GOD didn’t think so, either. I don’t need fixing. God made me the way I am: Strong, outspoken, passionate, creative, loving & demonstrative. She wanted demure & shy, obedient, deferring to everyone. But she did all her damage to me in secret while she posed as the perfect wife and mother, Christian & Godly Proverbs woman. Everyone thought I must’ve been a real bad seed not to be able to get along with her.
    But she was killing my soul every second I spent with her. If not the verbal & physical assaults, the lengthy cold, detached silent treatment, or telling me I was so sweet sometimes, and she wished she could love me, but she just couldn’t, I was too awful to love. So…she may live another decade just to spite me, but I feel very torn. She acts bewildered, and so grateful if she hears from me, but it never takes long before she, or my enabling father, say or do something and break my heart again. Sometimes I will myself to call them on Christmas or their birthdays or anniversary, and they act like they’re being called by a telemarketer. I shall keep reading here!

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 12th January 2016

      Hi Lisa
      Welcome to Emerging from Broken! Thanks for sharing some of your story here, you have found the right website for sure! What a nightmare you have been through. It’s horrible the kinds of things parents will say (Saying she wishes she could love you but she just couldn’t) in order to put the blame on the child. If she couldn’t love you, that was about her!
      Glad you are here!
      Hugs, Darlene

  3. By: Kris Posted: 13th January 2016

    Hi Light,

    You wrote:

    …”but I didn’t get better because I still engaged with my family!!! Once I reduced that — as awful as it is, and as much as I wanted a family — I started to truly feel better.”

    Sooooo true!!! Worked the same way for me too and I think because we no longer have all of that chaos in our life it takes some getting used to how that feels and it can come across as feeling “ flat” to us but I can say that that feeling didn’t last long for me. Once I surrounded my self with people who respected me I saw how much more at ease my life became and I wouldn’t trade that feeling in for nothing anymore!!

    I cherish the peace and joy that I have in my life. It is my new norm and now when someone tries to bring chaos into my life my natural gut instinct is to get them out!!! I like being able to enjoy nature like you wrote about and my pets and my friends. My life is so different now that I no longer have to deal with the chaos that my FOO kept bringing to the table and that’s just how it is when you are dealing with trying to end the sick cycle of generational abuse.

  4. By: Carlos Posted: 16th April 2016

    Such a good read! For I now know what’s right and what’s wrong about me and the people who supposedly love me that I am now slowly cutting out of my life 😀 Maternal grandma and Dad, this is yet another “award” for your well established tandem of evil 😀
    To dear old grandma, I was nothing more than her “personal assistant” Sample: “Carlos can you post this picture on Facebook for me?” “Can you do this can you do that?” But when I try to talk about serious stuff like my future goals and ambitions, it becomes a one million year lecture about broadening my horizons and telling me how useless my dreams are (I am sorry but I think useless is a word far more suited to the one who dished it out in the first place and upon my awakening, I realised that it’s not me but you!).

    Daddy dear. He always tried too hard to do everything for me like fixing my shower door, bed frame etc, to the point that when I wanted to take the initiative, he just would not let me do it. Why? To take the credit of course. To make me feel as if I won’t survive if ever I come across these situations, once I move out. The nerve for this guy to call me irresponsible as well as give me lectures about how I should be able to stand on my own feet, when he is the one who wanted to keep me locked up so he could continue getting “Thank you Dad you’re the best” like praises (Yes I am also at fault, but had I not woken up I wouldn’t know that there are resources and other people out there who are willing to teach me and let me make my own mistakes before fully allowing my wings to spread. Not you me old man. Never were, never will, not ever).

    This is also veered towards certain family members and friends who feel the need to invalidate my anger and disappointment through the usage of religious paraphernalia. Um since when did God condone being hit on the face for not being able to open packaging? Since when did he allow incriminating a child of intentionally breaking glasses in an apartel after said child “accidentally” spilt a glass of coke, whilst helping out to set up a family lunch? So I am not only expected to do all the adjusting, changing and understanding but I am also expected to accept that the things that happened to me were supposedly good intentions in disguise in the laws of God? If they wanted to do good, there are other ways to do it (Oh oops I am preventing them from being themselves, so I guess that makes me abusive to, sorry my bad). Haha you guys have seriously mixed up good with bad, that if you were to have been abused in any form, you would probably just brush it off with “Everything happens for a reason” or “God is only testing me”

    Pathetic! But then again each to their own. All I know is I am never giving back as much love to “those two” only to receive nothing ever again. They did say learn to love yourself right? The love I gave but was not returned, will now only be an exclusive property to me and to those people of whom I feel are worth keeping in my life. The most I can give to the mother-in-law and son-in-law tandem from hell, is Hi, hello a little chitchat here and there and just letting them continue on fooling themselves. That’s life in a nutshell for me at the moment.

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