My Mothers Narcissistic Reaction to my Book Idea

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Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Several years ago, I excitedly told my Mother over the phone that I was going to write a book about my process of recovery from chronic depression and dissociative identity disorder.  She reacted with strange sort of hesitation.  She didn’t ask any questions; she didn’t actually acknowledge this information at all.  I was used to her acting this way and I was only a bit more then mildly disappointed that she wasn’t interested.  I had been noticing in my recovery that she sucked the joy out of everything I was ever excited about. A few days later however, she brought it up as a sort of “by the way” conversation.  She said that if she read anything in my book about her that she didn’t like, she would sue me. I was stunned. I was actually speechless I was so stunned.  Why did she think it would be about her? I was so confused about her statement, that I couldn’t think straight.  I called a friend of mine who is a lawyer and asked her for some legal advice about it. 

 When I got over my shock about her reaction and her threat, I was able to look at this in a different way.  My narcissistic mother didn’t ask me about the contents of the book. She just assumed it would be about her. Why would she assume that?   I hadn’t even thought about talking about her in the book yet.  Her reaction is what I call a truth leak.  Continued…..

 My narcissistic mother just assumed my book might be about her or would include things about her that she wouldn’t like to have published because of her guilty conscience. At first I just asked myself “why would she think I was going to write a book about her?”  Thoughts were sparking in my mind. Part of me was thinking about how conceited she is and those thoughts were mixed in with thoughts like “what the heck is she so worried about?” I actually had to think about what she might be worried about, although of course I know what she is so worried about.  I just hadn’t actually thought about writing in relation to that stuff yet.  It took me days to sort those thoughts and feelings out. I felt rejected, mistrusted, threatened, devalued and unjustly accused.  

Later I felt anger. Anger that she always killed my joy. Anger that it was always about her. Anger that I didn’t have a mother who loved me or even one that was interested in me.

 I eventually realized that her reaction was about her, not about me. She was reacting because of her own fears.  It was always her way to make it about me, doing something that was not acceptable to her.  I am not sure if that is true narcissism or just the way that she has always been towards me.

 Because she reacted as though the book was about her, eventually I asked myself if that meant that she actually KNEW that she was causing me a lot of harm? Hard to imagine that she might have known that she was doing some really wrong as a mother, isn’t it? Maybe half her energy was spent on making sure that I didn’t realize that she might have known that she knew she was a bad mother? Maybe that is what the purpose of her keeping me in the “spin” all the time was.  All so that she could be in control and so that I was so busy trying harder that I never realized that she was the problem.

When I think about all the things my mom said to me when no one else could hear I wonder why she made sure no one else could hear.  She said and did sick stuff in from of others, but some of it she never did in public. Doesn’t that imply that she knew some stuff was just wrong?

 A child molester doesn’t strip a kid down naked in a public restaurant. They groom the victim carefully, sometimes publically, but the actually molestation is done in private.  (except in cases of organized pedophile rings or in an abusive family where everyone is involved in the abuse) A physically violent parent doesn’t beat a kid in the middle of a crowded shopping mall. Doesn’t that imply that they know it is not legal? An emotional or psychological abuser will not always tear a child down when visitors are there. My mother could be all sweetness and light. Does that mean that she knew others would judge her if she tore me down in front of them?  It seemed to depend on WHO the visitors were.

 I thought about those points when I was deciding if the adults in my life actually knew better, or if they really did not. If she truly has narcissistic personality disorder, wouldn’t she have been the same in front of everyone? Wouldn’t she come first in all her relationships? Wouldn’t she treat everyone else like they were “nothing” too?  I thought about those things a lot.  She was really great at telling me how to act but when I started to look at her actions, she never lived by her own standards, at least not when it came to me.  

 I will tell you something I realized years into recovery.  Abusers remember more about what they did then we remember about what they did. And they don’t know how much we remember. Imagine sleeping at night with that on your mind? Not knowing what the other person actually remembers about what they did to us or what we saw them do to others or even if the brainwashing was good enough to hold forever.

Was her concern about my writing a book about what everyone would think about her because of her narcissistic self-centeredness, or was it about her fear of being exposed for the kind of mother she really was?  Although my mother fits the description of narcissistic personality disorder, I think it was the later of the two.

Please share your thoughts. I look forward to the discussion on this post.

And guess what?? my e-book “Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing” has been published and selling amazingly well since July 2014.  If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you and you would like to find out “HOW” I broke out of the oppression I lived in, this 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to busting out of the fog and to healing. I’ve received hundreds of thank you notes from people that have bought my book. Get yours here for 9.97 through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

Exposing Truth; one snapshot at a time,

Darlene Ouimet

134 response to "My Mothers Narcissistic Reaction to my Book Idea"

  1. By: Drained Posted: 22nd April

    Darlene – Yes, I think my mother’s warped view of parenting had her believing that it was her “right” to treat me like she did.

    My mother did seem to have some control over her actions although sometimes she did slip up… my husband got to see glimpses of this. He “gets” the situation based on what he’s seen, some of her phone messages were very telling, and of course past situations I’ve told him about. When her dementia started in, she was a lot less sharp with her craftiness. I’ve often heard the “experts” insist that it’s the disease not the person when someone with dementia or Alzheimer’s acts unpleasant. What I have witnessed is that some of the awful traits she always had became more amplified and less transparent, so it’s just an extension of her natural temperament. Her natural Narcissistic trait just had the additional forgetfulness, repetitiveness and weakened cognition characteristic of dementia on top of the nastiness. I know each case is different, but it’s what I’ve seen in my own mother.

    I’m still going through the stages… I guess I’m still trying to justify my anger and resentment towards my mother and her treatment of me. It’s like if I can nail down her condition and reassure myself that I’m not stupidly misinterpreting things, being over-sensitive and overreacting. But then, I realize that’s part of the damage she’s done with the brainwashing. As you can see I’m still coming out of the fog so I’m sorting out things, wavering, but mostly it feels like puzzle pieces finally coming together.

    Sorry if I’m jumping around here with my thoughts. So much to process! I appreciate your input and hope you do get that book completed.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 23rd April

      Drained
      We all come through this process in stages so it is all good. I jumped all around too. Finally beleiving that I was not making it up or exagerating was huge for me. It sounds easy to just “validate the damage” but I know it isn’t that easy. I took me a long time and that is due to the brainwashing from such a young age; believing that they were right and we “must” be doing something wrong to deserve all of it.
      Hugs, Darlene

  2. By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 22nd April

    Hi Drained
    Does it matter if there is a “different kind of Narcissist” ? My mom I am sure beleived that she was not wrong to treat me that way (except that she denies that she treated me in ANY bad way; I think she thinks that it was her right, but that WAS wrong too. The biggest thing for me has been to realize that the damage and acknowledging that there was and is damage is the most importnat thing for me to heal from. Even if I can figure out what “diagnosis” fits her (or anyone else). NPD doesn’t really fit her though unless it is only in relation to the way she is with me. If a person can contol a disorder, then it isn’t a real disorder. (which is why they are called “disorders” actually… it gets complicated!)On the other hand, I do find it helpful to read about those disorders and it is stunning how I can relate others behaviour to what is written!
    Thanks for sharing.
    Hugs, Darlene

  3. By: Drained Posted: 22nd April

    Darlene – Your question is one I’ve been asking myself a lot lately:

    “If she truly has narcissistic personality disorder, wouldn’t she have been the same in front of everyone?”

    My mother certainly fits the Narcissistic personality type having most of the typical traits, but a part of her seems to KNOW the way she treated me was wrong. She treated me differently when other people were around. Outsiders and even relatives have a different perception of her because she was so sly about that. So, can this be a different type of Narcissist?

    I was blown away recently when I read a description of what happens to a daughter of a Narcissist mother: The self-loathing, indecision, lack of confidence, depression, anxiety and introversion plus losing oneself in imaginary worlds: art, reading, writing, movies, etc. That describes me perfectly! I think my love and compassion for animals comes from relating to the underdog. Well, I’ve gotten a bit off track here…

    Anyway, there’s no doubt in my mind that my mother has Narcissist Personality Disorder. Perhaps she didn’t really believe she was wrong to treat me that way, but understood that society doesn’t accept her treatment of me and that was the only reason she kept it concealed. To avoid disapproval from society which a narcissist can’t handle.

  4. By: Dee Posted: 8th March

    Well, I’ve been doing this mother daughter dance for the better part of 30 years, 20 of which have been in therapy. The limited contact option works best for me because I can emotionally shut down while listening to her talk and she doesnt get to witness my lack of emotional reaction, not that it would make a difference since her emotions are the only ones that count.

    We were due to visit (husband and I) in the next couple of months but since her behaviours have becoe progressively worse over the course of the past few months, I don’t think it will be healthy for me to go there and be subjected to that for 5 days.

    For years I’ve had this horrifying fear that this can be passed down through the generations (my grandmother was a horrific narcissist) and now my mother and perhaps me and for that reason I’ve avoided having children for many years. On a secondary level also I don’t want to subject my child to that type of life and I sincerely don’t want her in my kids life, so adopt after she dies or cut off all contact with her once we do adopt… Difficult choices…

    Thankfully we live 6 states away and the only form of contact is phone and that’s fairly limited as well…..

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 8th March

      Hi Dee
      Welcome to emerging from broken. I had that same fear too! My grandmother was also a very nasty woman. But the only way that this is “passed down” through the generations is through the learned behaviour. It is the dysfunctional “belief system” that is passed down. I write a lot about that on this site. Glad to have you here!
      Thank you for sharing,
      Hugs, Darlene

  5. By: MJ Posted: 30th December

    I have struggled most of my life with a rare disease that caused me a lot of physical pain when I was a teenager, and my mother never took me to the doctor because she thought I was just making it up. Now, three decades later, I mentioned to her that I would like to write a book about my experience living with a major health issue, and all she had to say was, “Just don’t say anything bad about me in it.” When I had a short article published last year, she had no comment whatsoever. No congratulations, no sympathy for what I’ve been through, just silence. Today I had lunch with a friend and her mother. I couldn’t believe how comfortable they were with each other, how much love passed between them in their conversation and gestures. It really triggered some grief to see how good a mother/daughter relationship could be.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 30th December

      Hi MJ
      Welcome to EFB
      I am so sorry that you were invalidated this way. Sounds like you can relate to what my mother said as well. I went through a lot of grief over this whole thing too. That is a normal and natural part of the process.
      Glad you are here.
      Hugs, Darlene

  6. By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 25th December

    Hi Mitzi
    I am so sorry that this happened to you. One of the things that I realized in the case of my parents was that I had to look at them as individuals. Adults have choices. I am sorry that your father chose your mothers request over relationship with you, because her request is wrong. My parents would like everyone to think they are powerless over making individual decisions, but that is another lie. My parents both have been swayed by their partners against their own children. That is very sad.
    Glad you are here,
    Hugs, Darlene

  7. By: Mitzi Posted: 24th December

    Wow Darlene, I was reading more of the archives, as I do every day and came upon this…

    Although, I haven’t read the comments yet, I will, but I was just instantly reminded of how my mother thought everything was about her as well..due to her narcissism. I remembered her very first reaction to finding out years ago that I was seeking help for my addictions and depression…she firmly told me that I had better NOT bring up her name. A couple of years into therapy, my therapist had asked me to invite my mother and father to participate in a session. I asked my father, which he agreed to immediately, however, my mother was outraged! She REFUSED to participate and threatened my dad for even thinking about it. Of course, my therapist, was not surprised by my mother’s reaction. Frankly, neither was I. I wish my father would have not allowed her control to decide for him. It makes me so sad not being “allowed” to even have a relationship with my father now either, due to my mother. She told him to make a choice.

    It being the holidays right now, I am a bit more depressed than usual and am so grateful that I have your site to visit.

    Thank you, my friend.

    Love and hugs,
    Mitzi

  8. By: stephanie Posted: 23rd November

    i have a narcissistic mother too and everything you’ve said has made me re think the way i view her. “Abusers remember more about what they did then we remember about what they did.” this line in paarticular shed some light on my views of my mother. many times i thought perhaps she doesn’t know any better. she’s very immature and doesn’t realize how much it hurts me to see how she doesn’t wish me a happy bday. how she gossips about me, makes fun of me, call me fat,puts me and my dream down telling me i can’t do that. but reading about your experience and how you’ve disected the situation with her reaction reminded me of the times that my mother falsely would accuse me of gossiping about her with her friends telling them “she was a bad mother” when i never said that. i simply would see her friends in the street from time to time and ofcourse out of courtesy i would say hi. but she would jump to all these crazy conclusions. it is her guilty conscience. i see it now. yes! she knows what she is doing is wrong other wise why wait to catch me alone. to avoid witnesses. why? because she knows it’s wrong. and the fact that she is well aware of her wrong doing and carefully plans her attacks really scares me. evil has a kind face. if i showed you a picture of my mother you wouldn’t believe all the things she’s done to me because she looks so sweet and many people think she is this angel because she often donates cloths and money to the poor. anyways thnx for posting your experiences. with this you have helped plenty of girls whom have fallen victim of a cruel narcissistic women who happend to mothered them. i no longer feel like i am the crazy one the way i use to feel. she would make me feel like i was the crazy one. everything she did she would deny and say that never happend and that i was crazy. all the times i wanted to commit suicide i now know that it was because she made me feel worthless. all those bad relationships i was in with narcissistic men were because i was so use to giving and not recieving thanks to her and the way she programmed me from a early age. best wishes on your book. i too love to write:) i’m more into poetry though.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 24th November

      Hi Stephanie
      Welcome to Emerging from Broken
      I am glad that you enjoyed the post and that it helped you to see things from a different angle. You make great points here and NO you are not “the crazy one” at all.
      Now that you have realized that this stuff is wrong, (and it matters not if she knew better or not) you can look at the damage it caused your self esteem (including things like the connection you made about why you chose the men you did) and you move forward with the healing process!
      I have written lots in this site about this stuff!
      Hugs, Darlene

  9. By: Joni Z Posted: 21st October

    I am 49 years old…I have always wanted to write a book, I love to read..My older brother and I were talking a few years ago about my mom and he brought up her narcissistic personality, which at the time I just regarded it to her appearance, she always had to look just right (she is a beautiful woman), I have started researching things on narcissism, and wow, that’s my mom. I was the scapegoat 🙁 I took care of the younger kids from the age of 9. I also was molested by my step father when I was 12. My mom of course got us out of the home and called the police, took me to 1 counseling session that is all I can remember. I have been in and out of counseling since, blaming my depression, my fears, my emptiness on my molestation. I now know it wasn’t that that I couldn’t come to terms with, but HER, my own mother, who verbally abused me. I hated her glances that said “look what did now”, or her rages, oh those were god awful, and so scary, I would try and hide somewhere. Unfortunately she still does this to me when I speak with her on the phone…but it’s the tone of her voice, it makes my skin crawl. I will never be good enough, I realize that now, and it took me 49 years??

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 21st October

      Hi Joni
      Welcome to Emerging from Broken. Yes, all of this stuff makes a contribution. You have found an excellent place to share about this stuff! Many of the readers here relate to this kind of parent so you are not alone!
      I am on holidays for another week, but I look forward to hearing more from you as your read and share more here.
      Hugs, Darlene

  10. By: Tiffany Posted: 20th October

    Yes you are right Darlene, I see your point: so I need to separate her issues and excuses from the pain and damage that had been done to me!” thanx for the insight…see how I go
    I have done alot of work in myself, but with my mother it is new deeper grieving work Im currently going through, Im already seeing good fruits….The last times Ive spoken to my mother there is a shift in the atmosphere…there is no more “i understand, mother”…comming from me, and less truths covered up in jokes and laughter…Im taking myself more seriously, and Im feeding the needs of my inner child before loved ones, and it feels right! Im truely experiencing a new freedom, I feel a nourishment within my inner most being…wow

  11. By: Daniella Posted: 19th October

    Hi Everyone, my Mother is a terrible narcissist. She drove my dear father to suicide when I was 12, and she would have done the same thing to me if I haven’t been strong minded. At the age of 21 I even left the country, that’s how much she hurt me. Now I have a beautiful daughter of my own and I am doing my best to be a great mother and very proud of the fact that I broke the legacy.
    All the best and lot’s of love from Croatia.
    Daniella

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 20th October

      Hi Daniella,
      Welcome to Emerging from Broken. Thanks for sharing your story. YAY for breaking the legacy! That is wonderful.
      Hugs, Darlene

  12. By: Tiffany Posted: 16th September

    Good morning Renee,

    Thankyou for your warm post, it seems Ive come to the right place!

    I like the women I have become, and Im very much peaceful when Im away from close family members. So, Ive placed a healthy distance from each and one of them, to protect myself. And it seems to be working fine, and Im a better wife & mother for it. Yet, I need to strengthen my inner voice with my mother: move into real dialogue, knock her out of denial, so I know truth, the truth will set me completly free!! I than will know where I stand with my mother: if there is any sense or hope in restoring our Mother-Daughter relationship.

    Wishing you, a love-filled day

  13. By: Renee Posted: 15th September

    Welcome Tiff,
    Your in a safe place here. I hope you can find comfort here and a way to strenghten your voice. We are here to lean, grow, and mourn, and we learn to laugh again. So welcome!
    Renee

  14. By: Tiffany Posted: 15th September

    I just wanted to simply say, thankyou for this community, I havent left this site all day! Im exhausted from reading LOL, I look forward to followingup a number of posts! 🙂

    My MOM, may be ND too??? Im getting to know her in my later years, I visit her abroad onca a year. My father is ND, maybe she adoptd some of his cruel behaviour to survive? Im confused.

    After the age of 5, I didnt have my mother around, she fell ill. Although my first reunion was in the year 2004, after 20years. We have an ok relationship, Im always trying to display the love of jesus over her hollow sweetly-coated words. Ive always been protective of her, because of her tragetic life/violent spouse.

    This year, Ive recived new levels of healing along with deep acheing angry towards my mom for the first time ever: I have concluded that she is selfish! and i intially felt horrible for feeling this way towards her. But im being strong, Truth is emerging…over the years-my mother had many countless opportunties to return to me, but I see now, that she never made any real effort to FIGHT FOR ME, it makes me emotionally-ill (being a mother myself) how my mother could live in another nation, away from her children very wellknowing that they were living in the hands of an abusive/unstable man, she could have protected me, and also saved me from dreaded housework & motherly-responsibilities BUT she didnt!….it really makes no sense, but to accept the truth, which is heartBreaking…

    I can hear my neglected-innerChilds painful cry, (little Tiff) wants answers: “have you ever considered the suffering Ive been thru? where were you all those years?..and wheres my thankyou/respect for caring for your 4children & husband?” …Im over the whole fear that I will hurt her, I know like usual, as soon I try to express any of my past– she will take over with her sob stories….I just cant get my head around this: where was she when all this abuse was going on, I was only a child.

    so many lies still in the dark….you know I want my mind to dance and my heart to sing in the presence of my mum and family…I look forward to this day- sigh 🙂

    Love & Hugs Tiff

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 16th September

      Hi Tiffany!
      You are in the right place! One of the things that I got stuck on was trying to figure out what was “wrong” with my parents. I have written a lot about it in some of my posts. The danger for me was that I was actually looking for a way to justify what they did and didn’t do. I felt so sorry for my mother that I couldn’t look at the damage caused to me. I was stuck until I separated her issues and excuses from the pain and damage that had been done to me. I had to validate me in order to overcome the things in the past. Today, now that i have done all the work, I can feel sorry for my mother, just not at MY expense.
      I look forward to your future shares!
      Hugs, Darlene

  15. By: sarah Posted: 30th June

    Well theres alot of projection that goes on with narcissists. I didn’t know what projection was until I had therapy and researched my book. Because they thrive on feeling miserable they tend to “”dump their unowned misery and feelings on the ones they most like to abuse. I remember having a conversations with my mum once in the kitchen the words went something like this. “You are a terrible parent, you never do things properly, I am fed up of listening to all of your stuff. You have never grown up and you will you never sort your shit out.” What was interesting was when I actually write it down there was only one grain of truth or hook to get you sucked in in their words. In my mothers case it was “I am tired of listening to your stuff.”, she was being honest. The rest was talking about herself. Usually after the relationship you end up taking on their feelings if your not careful.

    I found a really good exercise you can do via another therapist. I use it when coaching abused women that came to see me who have had narcissistic abusers . the exercise is to write down what their narcissistic spouse/mum/dad had said to them and then make a list of it on a piece of paper i.e. worthless, stupid, crazy, good for nothing, fat ugly etc etc. Below that you make a list of how you feel about yourself when you are away from your abuser i.e. happy, healthy, sane and so on. I

    Draw a line between the two. On the top list write their name and on the bottom list write yours. It suddenly all starts to make sense and your conversations with them are never the same again!

  16. By: Rise Posted: 30th June

    I can so relate to Sarah!!! My mother also took joy in my misery!!

  17. By: sarah Posted: 30th June

    Hi Darlene

    Your welcome, and great news on the blog book. Things work out for the best I think. When I was going to write I was actually writing a book on spirituality and ended up writing one on on psychopaths and narcs instead. I have this theory that the universe doesn’t always give us what we want but what we need. and that it always knows whats best for us (winks).

    As for finding your blog again. It was strange. I was on google as I said in previous post and I had just opened a birthday card from my mum. Two years ago when I was in the pits with nothing after what happened with the pyschopath she loved it! I got a beautiful hand made card from her saying I was the best daughter in the world with a lovely expensive gift. Why because I was penniless and broken exactly how she likes me so she can feel good about herself.

    This year when things are finally starting to going well for me and I am in an emotionally strong good place, busy with work and so on, I got a card from some any old shop, no present and “a hope things are better for you”

    We will never be good enough in their eyes.

    I am sure the book will do really well
    Love
    Sarah

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 30th June

      Sarah,
      I totally get that! I know exactly what you mean about your mom being happier when you are in struggle. I have found all abusers/controllers to be exactly like that! (so they can feel good about themselves; isn’t that sad when a parent has to feel good about themselves by viewing YOU as less then them? That was the story of my life. Oh I could write 10 more blog posts about this subject! LOL
      Hugs, Darlene

  18. By: sarah Posted: 30th June

    Hi Darlene

    Its Sarah and although I dont post very often because I am usually busy working I happened to land on this post as I was googling “narcissistic mothers devalue and disregard”. Its my birthday on Monday and its exactly 1 year since I published my book on Dark Souls. The same book that my mother who also wouldn’t read it said “Why are you writing a book, its not like anyone will ever read it”.

    She also want onto say “Its not like you have ever written a book before” to which I replied “but mum I wrote a book a couple of years ago, remember the newspaper article on Dad” to which she replied “Oh I forgot”.

    I played my own mothers abuse down in the book for legal reasons plus it would have destracted from and story and its more about why certain types attract abusers and what they do. However its my humble opionion that depending on how narcissistic our parents spouses are they will have one or two motives for us not wanting to write about them. The covert narcissistic type who has been abusive as was my mothers case will as you so rightly say be more concerned with “being exposed for the kind of mother she really was”. On the flip side my father is more sociopathic and overtly narcissistic and an article was written about him being a womaniser in a newspaper spread a couple of years ago. He painted him in a very poor light and the newspaper wouldn’t print the article without corroborating the story with him. He was so proud of the fact that he was in the paper, photo an all and despite being painted as a lethario he actually phoned up all his mates to tell them that it was in the papers.

    When I finally did get my book published which incidentally was not al about her and went over to drop a copy in my mind just to get some kind of validation that I had done something good in her eyes for once. She told me in no uncertain terms that I wasn’t allowed round that day as she was busy. It was then that I decided I didn’t need her validation. Incidentally the book has helped many people but I have never seen my mother since then we made an agreement there and then to have no more contact with each other. My healing came when she finally admitted that all of the false beliefs I had about myself were her own projected beliefs she had put onto me and that by being around me it reminded her of how much she had messed up. She admitted that if she had been a better role model ro listened to me as a child when I had sexual abuse I may not have attracted the psychopath I met talk about in the book. Although to be fair she put most of the blame on my father.

    Darlene, often as children we overcompensate and try so hard to get validation indirectly from our parents. That which we can never get from them because they are disordered. However, have heart remember that when writing a book our beliefs we have about ourselves about not being loved or validated by our parents may never go away when we write a book but it comes from within. So go ahead and write your book for YOU! I wish you lots of success because I am sure your book will help lots of people.
    Love Sarah

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 30th June

      Hi Sarah,
      Thank you for sharing and for your encouragement, it is great to hear from you!
      My mothers reaction to my book idea was a huge help to me towards understanding that everything was all about her and would never really be about me in her eyes. I never was heard, but it matters not anymore. My beliefs about myself as a result of my parents disregard of me are all resolved now and I live my life in the truth and not in the lies I used to believe.
      Instead of writing that book, I ended up writing this blog, which is about to be published in a book form and it is far more comprehensive then the book I was planning to write when she treatened to sue me. I am pleased with the results that I have in my life and I didn’t realize that I would be so much better off without her destructive influence on my life.

      Congratulations on your book too! Isn’t it wonderful when we go ahead and do our thing in spite of the risk! Then there is healing for everyone.
      Hugs, Darlene

  19. By: Renee/A Resurrected Spirit Posted: 28th May

    Joy,
    If I can comment, I as a child had to come to a point where I needed to let my family go. I was 17. I remember where I was and the conversation my inner girl had. In order to change my future I was going to have to make changes to my present so my past would not look like it had all my life. I cut my family and friends off. I made it a slow process so I wouldn’t feel the pain so much. Yet I remember heart breaking as it was I also seperated in emotional way and mental when I was a kid. I hope you will find your way and Im glad you chose to heal. Each day I read Darlenes blog and everyones input has been vital to what I am learning. I have been have a few ahhhh moments concerning Gods stand and the evil of the abuser. The same came to light about the misconception I have had about my mother. She was a lot more evil than I gave her credit for. I had this misconstrude idea she was a victim of demestic violence and was to weak to get out of the relationship and it was why she was to weak to stand up to the older brother that she allowed to sexually use me at will. In reality she was as sick as my dad. I have seven brothers and there are 4 girls. One of my older brothers (he came for a visit a couple of days ago) and he said he wished he had gotten the oppurtunity to tell my parents what they did and how it distroyed all of our lives. I smiled and said well, when I found out my dad was dying I made him sit on my couch and I told him every thing that happened to me and where the hell was he my dad, my protector. I did not back down, scared but I knew I was going to have only one chance. It was his business what he did with that information but in a sence I felt a little freeer. My mom I had been working on a relationship with her for years and when she told me she didn;t have long I asked her to be honest with me. Then I asked all the WHY’s I needed to. My brother had no idea anyone in our family had done that and was shocked to hear I did. He was glad he needed to know someone in this messed up family had the guts to do it. I did it for me and my healing and if it made his weight a little lighter then that was fine by me. I have family to this day that treat me horribly. That is fine their choice because each day that goes by I know Im the better person and far the stronger one. If sibiling cannot face the truth it’s because they don’t nfeel strong enought to go against the tide. I myself would love to do an intervention on my sister who I have hated for all that she did to me when we were little. Why? She is a drug addict/alcholic. She is weaker of the two of us. I beleive I would be able to help because I know her past. Everyone around her loves her and they don’t want to hurt her,me I don’t love her, yet I don’t want her to die but to be stronger. She has ran away from the horrors of her past for way to long. It takes a strong person Joy to acheive what your longing for. And what you want is your right to have……a full healthy life.
    Hugs and a loving smile..

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 28th May

      Renee,
      WOW, I am so proud of you! I can HEAR the changes. Good for you and thankyou so much for sharing!
      Love Darlene

  20. By: joy Posted: 28th May

    Darlene

    Your mother’s reaction to your book is selfish and painful..
    How I feel for you not having someone so close to say “I’m so proud,
    you will do well”..It’s painful.deeply painful to not that..Everyone
    needs someone to cheer them on and encourage them..You do have a gift for writing and a genuine care for others that comes out through all our words.

    What came to mind is how my mom reacted to my situation in 2009: where my boss took over my life. verbally,mentally, emotionally tortured me .. When finally I was rescued and was in a safe place that I can tell people I was back to wv.. I let her know .She didnt ask me how I was. .. She didn’t say she was sorry I was so tortured..She only asked me if I was going to seek counseling and said She didnt want me to go and if i talked to anyone not to talk about the past.. .when we were little.

    I told her at that time part of counselng may ask about the whole past..She became angry and told me if I would go to counseling dont bother calling her..FUnny thing she has managed to call me to lash out and warn and tell me how i deserved the treatment i got from my boss..

    Because of this and ways siblings came after me I pushed aside my healing and tried to work but it wasn’t possible to concentrate..all that happened in 2009 kept coming up ..I found it hard to trust .. to believe anyone.. I was afraid to go out..I had to seek healing and admit am not able to heal alone.

    I had to choose between losing my connection to dysfunction or moving on to healing.. I chose the second but so many times .especially on holidays I become tempted. .to give in..I know its because I havent yet let healng inflesh in e ..its in my mind but not yet in my soul.. so i have the wars going on in my mind between my desire to heal and my desire for the dysfunctional family to change. Letting go is hard..

    ..joy

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 28th May

      Hi Joy,
      I read this post and got all distracted ~ I have been working on a post about the heartbreaking treatment that we endure, and this comment came in and it fueled my passion and angered me at the same time. How can this happen? Wow. And this is a prime example of what I am talking about!
      Thanks for sharing,
      Hugs, Darlene

  21. By: Kathy Posted: 21st March

    i just read Lynda’s comment and feel a little SICK…. om my god thats shocking re Mother was relieved to find her husband had done worse…stuff the kid he was abusing…. i think my parents may be onto me posting comment on faceBook re this stuff – as my father was a tad distantly cold & my mother didnt jump on the phone… ..ts HARD when we ALL Cant See things.. but Lynda – that takes the cake.

    Im begining to feel like Narcasism & forms of Autism eg Aspergergers might be related…as i think my mothers reaction to my father interfereing with one of her daughters..was utter shock horror then YOUR LYING…. with absolutely no capacity to think or feel for my sister – as to how SHE may be feeling. SO SELFISHLY ORIENTATED….. i have said before that my mother didnt want us being HAPPy or performing beter than her at anything. I guess her identity got lost in BRAGING about having 6 kids – but dear God why did that ever happen because she actually did NOT manage that very well and totally LOST IT causeing lots and lots of damage. I recon a lot of my physical problems most probably stem from deep tissue damage – as well as the emotional & psychological abuse of course. People too often think that if one has a psychological problem that it can be FIXED. I think so much undiagnosed physical problems get shockingly over looked as the root of things isnt always psychological – Just trying to balance or add to this stuff here.
    and yes also Lynda the changing of tactics is a big thing.. always making an excuse to blame.. shift responsibility.
    Someone once said that we all react or act out of many things. a MASSIVE thing for me was hearing a question that i now love to ask myself.
    WHAT IS MY WORSE FEAR ????????????????

    I think if my mother thought to ask herself this question
    1 – she would realise its HER reacting
    2 – that shes in defensive survival mode
    3- finding what WE fear most can lead us to eventually wondering what or how that can impact or affect others.

    SOMEtimes our worst fear is imagined – other times its spot on & a reality others rarely experience.

    What is my worst fear when my mother controls me.
    Its physical pain, humiliation, rejection, public shaming, relentless verbal dihorea or the silent treatment.. its her HATEING ME when ive busted my guts to try to help her.
    SO now my worst fear has changed.
    Im not putting myself in a position to be humiliated, publically shamed.
    Sometimes removing oneself is the healthiest choice.. like my choice to NEVER go to their place again ALONG – cos i dont drive so i cant remove myself from them – im stuck & Cornered.

    Im so thankful this forum exist for people to learn from eachj other… sadly there are SO MANY of US outthere… but i find it distressing yet a sense of hope comes in me to see living pweople write some of their experiences… makes me feel more normal..as i have feel so incrdeibly alone all these years because people dont wanna talk about it. Eventually the anger subsides when you realise you have your power back…and that you understand more about what happened.
    i think my mother go into AUTO PIOLET MODE – came to enjoy the power over us.. was a chronic shocker what it did to us – im amazed most of use are alive…. It tells me my mother – felt abused herself and chose this path as a survival mode… i just dont feel so sorry for her because at times i KNOW shes known what she was doing and to CAE – is her opening many rtimes to put the boot in more. I think she is SICK because when i was talking to her about my younger brother having sex with the youngets sister… she started to cry. i said i tried to explain to my little sister that if HE did that to her – well someone MUST have done it to him first cos he was TOO young to even know certain words or to even have an inclination or any idea what to do…. so my mother sits at the table crying saying : I love you because you care about your little brother like that”. …. I think she missed the point completely… like …um…her mercy is displaced. Oh she CAN be kind.. to others and others kids.. but in the position of feeling SO responsible for her 6 kids… well she needed help but pride had her push people away – even left boxes of food to rot in a corner because she said I DONT WANT YOUR HELP we dont need it.. clearly we DID. So a root cause i recon with my mother is PRIDE – she just WONT BE TOLD she is wrong in any way shape or form. Then she gets haughty eyes, a tone in her voice arrrghhh its aweful.
    The sadest part for abusers….
    I once used to say I dont wanna die with all this unresolved stuff.
    Someone else said – “well you dont wanna LIVE WITH IT EITHER – do you?
    I realised wow…..I was shocked by this. i never saw an end to things.

    well for abusers … i can see now that they have a lot of life yet to be lived where the chances of getting sprung, found out, challenged, for truth to be brought to light… that must be absolutel hell to be living with that.
    But for some abusers – this is the scarey bit.. they get more skillful at thier craft of deception, power control etc etc etc etc etc … i feel for those out there being targeted because they are just innocent little kids… Abused people dont always go on to abuse… Not when they realise they have a CHOICE, When they realise there is ANOTHER WAY or different ways to cope with stuff. We can educate people and some will never wanna change.
    Oh GOD I pray for the world that people will want to find a better way, to wanna swallow their selfish pride, will wanna see past themselves, they will realise what they are doing and the shocking damage.
    I can forgive because we all stuff up and every human being is capable of shocking things… but you dont have to trust… because trust has to be earned.
    Emerging from brokeness is a Journey. It takes sooooo much time with some things. Its taken me sooooo much time to heal a bit….. Even today i was thinking about how my mother was when her parents died within 2 or 3 months of each other. she was SO HAPPY… I thought when my parents i would be SO HAPPY TOO oh NOT that they were dead – but that the abusers are out of my life for good. We still have the records playing over and over and over in our heads. eg. recently i started to PAINT Pictures and i heard my mothers voice in my head – anticipating her reaction to it.. that ITS CRAP _ LIKE A KID WOULD DRAW!…. so demons can still exist – and overcoming them i think can be in RE WRITING THE SCRIPTS. Its standing strong even when the abusers are still alive. WE have to do a lot of the thinking, healing, changing. NOT to suit them – but so we are properly healed. eg I sincerely forgive them… but i dont think i can EVER FULLY TRUST THEM.. NOT EVER…

    Hope that makes sense

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 21st March

      Hi Kathy,
      Thanks for your contribution to this post!
      It was very important, although difficult for me, to stop focusing on the why the abuser did stuff, and why the abuser was an abuser, and why why why about them. I was always thinking about how my mother (and father) felt, what had gone wrong in her life, how could I make her feel loved enough to love me. I always knew that my parents had less then perfect childhoods. But in the end, it did not help me to understand what happened to me and it certainly didn’t excuse what happened to me. My freedom came from really validating what happened to me, and how I had become so lost. I stopped thinking (just for long enough to see clearly) about them. My healing came from my understanding and acceptance of the truth about what happened to me. And then realizing all the lies I believed about myself, and changing those beliefs. Healing is very possible, and you make great points about physical illness manifesting; I agree that it very often overlooked!
      Thank you again for sharing.
      hugs, Darlene

  22. By: Renee-A Ressurected Spirit Posted: 15th March

    Kellie,
    Hope your feeling better this morning, get well, Big hugs (but not where it hurts)
    Renee

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 15th March

      Hi Kellie!
      I am really glad to hear that the surgery went well! Hope you have a speedy recovery!!
      Hugs, Darlene

  23. By: Lynda ~ Coming Out Of The cRaZy Closet Posted: 14th March

    Kellie, your surgery was this morning? Oh, ouch. I’m glad it’s over and went well; I’m saying a prayer for your speedy recovery.

    Gaslighting… I saw that old movie several years ago, and it was an eye-opener.

    Take care of you, Kellie. Sending you a big [[HUG]],
    Lynda

  24. By: Kellie Posted: 14th March

    Lynda, LOL. Yes, crazy making is exactly what I thought too. In my research on BPD (borderline personality disorder), they call it Gaslighting after some movie in the 40s where a man treated his wife this way to make her think she was nuts.

    Hopeful it will all turn out somehow.

    BTW, Had my surgery this morning. Hallelujah! It’s over and went well. I’m having quite a bit of pain, but I also get a lot of pain meds too. Hope everyone has a great week!

  25. By: Lynda ~ Coming Out Of The cRaZy Closet Posted: 14th March

    Yes, it has been my experience too, that abusers change their tactics when we begin to be healthy enough to set some boundaries. It’s a big game to them… like chess. Once we learn to anticipate and block their favorite moves, then they find other moves, other ways to throw us off, so they can achieve their end goal.. Their goal is one-up-manship. It’s all about WINNING, it’s never about CARING.

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