My Mother Finally wanted to BE My Mother

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When my second child was born, my mother said that she wanted to “be there for me”. She said that she wanted to really do something FOR ME and she offered to make the seven hour drive over the mountains to our home to help me in the final days before labor, and help me to take care of my 21 month old son.

I was thrilled. Finally my mother wanted to BE MY MOTHER! I felt closer to her in those phone calls planning her visit then I had ever felt before that time.

My excitment was short lived.

I started to have some complication with my hips. My legs were giving out from under me and I needed more bed rest. I was confident that my mother would agree to come a bit earlier then we had planned and I called her up with the news and my request.  She hesitated. Her familiar voice, the one that I had come to hate as it was laced with disappointment, responded with “well….. how much earlier?”  She asked me “what if you go into labor later then your due date?” It became clear to me that she didn’t really want to help me with what I needed help with; she wanted to help me with the NEW baby. She wanted to help me with what SHE had in mind to help with. She didn’t care if I was having a problem with my health.  I was devastated to realize that even having my babies, was all about her.

In the end, she came on the exact date that she originally planned to come.

When the baby was born, I developed an infection in my blood. My Dr. wanted to keep me in the hospital, but I couldn’t sleep there and after the first night, I begged her to let me come home. She asked me if I was sure that my mother would do everything that needed to be done and that all I would do was nurse the baby. I was (even though history proved otherwise) confident that my mother would keep her promise to “be there for me” and the Dr. let me go home.

From the minute I walked in the door at home, I had that sinking feeling that I was going to be disappointed. First of all, (we have a farm) my mother kept going on and on about how her husband had killed all the flies in the house before we got there and how they had done some cleaning.  Although I said thank you, I got the feeling that I wasn’t acting “grateful” enough but I was exhausted from the trip home and couldn’t think about jumping through their hoops.  (My ingratitude was brought up to me for years to come)

We were at the beginning of haying, (and half of our income depended on getting the hay crop in) and my mother in law came over and asked if my mother would mind making the evening meal for the hay crew. Just a double meatloaf and baked potatoes would do it. My mother stared blankly at me. There was an awkward silence. Finally I decided that I could do it myself. I have no idea why no one thought about getting take out from the local restaurant just this once… but no one including me, did. I made the meal. My mother was happy to hold the baby. No one was worried about me doing the meal, no one offered to help.

That night my mother’s sister phoned and she was about an hour and a half away visiting my cousin and wondered if she could come over and see the new baby. I told my mother that the Dr. said I was not to have visitors and that I needed complete bed rest. My mother assured me that her sister would only stay for a couple of hours in the morning and she would take care of them.

Guess what happened? They didn’t leave and it was way past lunch time when my husband finally came home and made them all lunch.  I was exhausted and since I could not sit on a kitchen chair, I took my lunch to the living room and ate by myself. My mother seriously reprimanded me. She said that I had company in the kitchen and what did I think I was doing?? I told her that it was HER company. I was absolutely shocked. I wasn’t supposed to HAVE company. Apparently my mother didn’t think that my Dr. should have more authority then she had. And come to think of it now, she is so self centered that she may have thought that I was lying, trying to ‘get a break’ by saying that the Dr. said I had to have complete rest and that I was USING her to get one.  That is how my mother thinks.

After my Aunt and her husband left, my mother took the opportunity to tell me all the things I had done in my life that caused her to have such grief and disappointment in me.  She just went up one side of me and down the other. She told me in no uncertain terms what a failure I was as a daughter. I sat there, exhausted with my 3 day old daughter in my arms, and I took it. I just sat there shocked, stunned and disappointed while she went on and on about how much trouble I have caused her. I felt like I was sinking into a black bog of pond water.. sinking sinking into the black murky depths, powerless to do anything about it.

She said that she wanted to be there for me, but in reality it was all about her and she was burdening me with more than I could take.  She didn’t help me at all with any of the normal household duties. She yelled at me and berated me and did the complete opposite of “being there for me” and acted the absolute opposite of love.

The next morning, I asked her to leave. I wasn’t actually standing up to her yet; I needed to rest and she was way more work then I would have had without her there. I was too sick to deal with her and I was more hurt then I can even communicate. I felt like I had just been swallowed whole by a tornado and that I was still lost in it, going round and round and not being able to SEE my way through it. I felt SO confused by her actions.  Even though it wasn’t the first time at all, I was still shocked that she would DO that when I just had a baby and just once I needed her.  I wanted so badly to believe that she would really “be there” for me this time.

Once again I was reminded that I was not important but that my mother was. Even with a new born baby and under doctor’s orders, I still came last. I avoided thinking about that reality just yet though.

That event ended up to be somewhat of a new beginning. It was then that I began to face that something was really wrong with the way that my mother treated me. I didn’t quite realize that something was wrong with her, but I knew something was “wrong.” It took about 14 more years before I drew the necessary boundaries but something significant happened that day. I think a little hole got chopped in the lifetime of fog that I had lived in.

Remembering dysfunctional moments and situations like this one has helped me to see the dysfunctional mother daughter relationship that I had with my mother through clear eyes and through the grid of truth. These truth based recollections have helped me to realize that I was not the one that was wrong, that it was not ME that had unreasonable expectations, and that I truly was not valued or regarded with human kindness or respect. Even sick and with a new born baby, I still did not qualify. She still came first. She still got to decide the way things would be. And suddenly, in my mid thirties, I realized that something was “wrong” with this picture.

Exposing the Truth that set me Free;

Darlene Ouimet

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For related posts see the Mother Daughter Category

 

 

 

115 response to "My Mother Finally wanted to BE My Mother"

  1. By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 3rd February

    Hi Joan
    I questioned myself constantly. Being told (in words or in actions) for years makes a person think perhaps it it true that “I am the probelm” and that is why doing the work to look at the truth is so important and looking at the details ~ like you are sharing here, is so important too.
    Hang in there… Hugs, Darlene

  2. By: Joan H Posted: 2nd February

    Yes yes Darlene, so familiar. My mom would make comments like why hasn’t SO and so called me they know I have a sick daughter, she would take 3 days to do a load of laundry and then leave them wet n stinky moldy. I asked her to make soup n she said you can make it and then told me to make enough for her. my friends and other family members were so helpful thankfully, but she would try to tell them what to bring her to eat etc.
    She told me one of my dresses appeared at her house and she was going to wear it to the hospital.
    This is one of four jersey material dresses that I always wore during recovering from the fist surgery .
    This shed such light in everything. Now my ex boyfriend , I feel lately like I’m going nuts everything is being turned on me. I’m even questioning if I’m the abuser, why is it so hard for me to stop contact . even though he finds me again but I am so confused I respond to him . losing my job yesterday because of my med problems isn’t helping because I’m coping w the wrong things

  3. By: Melody Posted: 2nd September

    Thank you, Darlene. I wish I had a manual for how to heal. I have been in and out of therapy for most of my adult life, but I’ve never been able to muster up any sort of great change in how I feel. I’m in awe of how you’ve been able to do this. I’m hoping to find some clarity in myself, through witnessing your story. Thank you. -Melody

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 2nd September

      Melody
      This blog could be seen as a pre manual! (I am going to work on some more instructional type products soon) I had to really look at the truth about how I was regarded. I had to validate myself through realizing how I was invalidating. I kept making excuses for everyone ~ believing that ‘they’ were right. But they were wrong.
      Hugs, Darlene

  4. By: Melody Posted: 2nd September

    Yes, yes, a thousand times, yes. I am so sorry that you did not have the mother you deserved. I identify with this story so much, it saddens my heart. I rarely choke up reading someone’s blog, but this really got to me. My mother is here right now. I live about 2,000 miles away now. My husband had to go away on business and I needed help at home with the kids. My babysitter (and the backup sitter!) both couldn’t accommodate my work schedule this week (I leave for work at around 6am two days per week). So I called my mother. She came, “to see the children,” but made me pay for her ticket (she is very well off, living off of an inheritance and my grandmother, bless her heart, is still alive and pays all of her bills). But yet, I still have to also hire the sitter this week, too. It’s because I can’t trust her with the children. She is irresponsible and selfish. They were only alone with her for 2 hrs both days, and those 2 hrs were nervewracking for me. I don’t have anyone else I can call, though. She is it.
    I was abused very badly by my brother growing up. He is 6 years older than me. She would witness the verbal and physical abuse. I believe she knew about the sexual abuse, too, and turned a blind eye. She would warn me to stay away from him, “Or you’re gonna get it.” She facilitated the abuse by leaving me alone with him all the time. Even when she was at home, she would lock herself in the bedroom and leave him in charge. He would often molest me right in the next room. Just this past year, I was invited to attend a therapy session with her psychologist. In that session, she admitted to ignoring the physical abuse. She also rationalized her behavior to her therapist, “Well, Melody was quite a brat growing up, so she had it coming most of the time.” He did not correct her. I was livid. I really let her have it. She still refuses to take any responsibility for her role in the abuse, and still minimizes the impact on me. She also plays the victim: “You don’t know how this has affected me!” Even my aunt sides with her, “It must have hurt her so much, look at how unstable she is now.” I also found out why nothing was ever done, when I told our family counselor (as a teenager) about the abuse. She struck a secret deal with the therapist at the time — if my brother were to move out of the house, perhaps they wouldn’t file a report with child protective services?? The therapist agreed, and nothing was ever done to help me. In fact, it was never mentioned again, as I was accused at that time of lying. Making it up to get attention, because my mother had a new boyfriend moving in and I didn’t like her spending less time with me. I was 14 years old.
    I really wonder if she has done more harm to me, than my abusive brother.

    Thank you for writing this. I am going to go ruminate on this topic on my blog: soulsnatching.wordpress.com

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 2nd September

      Hi Melody
      I am glad that this resonated with you. This stuff is really hard, I know. I have written a lot about how the “fog” in my relationship with my mother and my family got cracked open so that I could see the damage this type of relationship did to me. I was totally invalidated and devalued. It was in seeing that that I was able to validate ME and heal. I deserved/deserve better ~ every human being does.
      Hugs, Darlene

  5. By: J Posted: 23rd June

    I had my third baby while living at my Mother’s. I was going to have a home birth because I can’t take the kids to the hospital, my husband was away at basic training in Quebec and couldn’t come home. My Mother wouldn’t watch them during the labor (my sister and her bf and eventually my elderly Grandmother did). My son ended up as a double footling breech. I was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance, had an emergency c-section (didn’t even have time for a spinal tap) and all I remember was trying to calm the midwife down, my Mother complaining at how long it would take, realizing they were listening to her and said she was worried about me.

    2 days later I came home, my children still wearing the same clothes as the day I left, imagine that. I wasn’t supposed to vacuum, drive, stand to make supper anything for at least 2 weeks to heal. My Mother decided that the toilet on the main floor (the one I used and had to come up from the basement to use) HAD to be replaced and that took 2 weeks to get the landlord there, etc. I had to clean for that, carrying heavy things, vacuuming. I cooked supper for my kids, everything. The midwives were worried and even tried contacting the family center in the military to see if there was anything they could do to help get us out. I ended moving out a month after. My husband got time off of his training and came home for a week to move us. Then he went back and I was alone except for weekends when he came home. I’m tired of thinking of her.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 24th June

      Hi J.
      This is exactly what I am talking about! Good grief! What a fog storm. It is amazing to me just how many of these kinds of stories there are! (millions!)
      Thanks for sharing this, I am glad you are here.
      Hugs, Darlene

  6. By: jackie Posted: 22nd June

    Sorry – I understand what you mean about how long it takes to recognise the damage – I was 60 before I realised my relationship problems related to my upbringing. I was asking for some recognition that sometimes mothers like me do recognise we were often in the wrong but would like to be met part way in putting things right. I would really appreciate some reading material on how to communicate better.

    I have apologised for not being the best parent in the past. However since all three kids are full grown, successfully working with their own careers and have never been in any trouble of any kind I can’t help feeling I did an OK job most of the time.They have seemingly longterm stable relationships so far – 10 and 8 years for the older two. The youngest having split up after 3 years with his girlfriend.

    I’ll give an example of a recent interchange. My daughter recounted an incident where she heard the baby crying out but decided to leave her for 5 minutes while she finished a task. (She and her husband have several books where the emphasis seems to be on ‘training’ the baby to prevent bad habits forming. Last week at the clinic baby’s weight is not what it should be and I have carefully NOT even hinted at the fact that they have stuck to feeding schedules and given baby a dummy rather than a feed on occasions).Anyway by the time she picked the baby up baby was seriously upset and dificult to console. I responded by suggesting ‘Perhaps she felt lonely’. I’m trying hard NOT to make too many suggestions around my beliefs that babies are not manipulative and their crying usually means something needs seeing to. My daughter’s reaction was to get angry and tell me ‘Thanks Mum, I don’t need you to make me feel worse’. I responded later in the day with an email explaining I had not meant to make her feel guilty but that I had noticed the books on training baby to fit in, and nothing on baby’s emotional needs so I was trying to suggest what maybe baby was feeling on waking alone in her cot.I got a long angry email back. I replied later in the day with a link I found to an article on mother daughter relationships which highlighted the fact that daughter’s think they are being criticised and mothers feel they are being accused of criticism when they are trying to help and maybe its just misunderstanding but I didn’t mean to offend.

    I’ve been ignored since – her brother (my son)is visiting her today and I was expecting to be invited over for a few hours. I phoned this afternoon to be sheepishly told – ‘Oh I won’t make it to see you today’. Its only a half hour drive away and I have dropped what I am doing to go over on several occasions when she has been struggling. I just feel kept at arms length except when she needs physical help of some sort. At middle child’s wedding a few weeks ago she was happy for me to babysit for an evening which meant I didn’t get to mix with everyone else in the hotel even though I was mother of the groom.And I did agonise over whether son would feel I was putting daughter’s needs first and maybe he would have prefered his mother around.
    I just feel I am constantly trying to do the right thing and its never good enough. To be honest it often feels like it did when I was a child – whatever I do isn’t good enough – in the same way that I failed to meet my mother’s expectations as a child now I am failing to meet my childrens’ expectations.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 22nd June

      Hi Jackie
      I actually thought I was recognizing you for your willingness, I really heard that you are, and wish that my own mother had this attitude or even a spark of it. My heart goes out to you, for all the situations that you write about in this comment. I cringed when I read that your daughter believes that babies are manipulative. I was trying to tell you how long it took for my husband and I to gain the trust of our children in this process, as we had made them feel less value then us before we found freedom from our own pasts. There are mothers who want to mend the relationships, but I don’t write from that perspective, (even though I am a mother) because when doing this work for the first three years in person and not in writing, I quickly realized that all healing has to start with the individual and go out from there AND because as I said the children don’t trust the changes for a long time… even years. SO I decided to write about things from the child perspective. I have total empathy for my mother as I know she was devalued the same way growing up and beyond, as I was… but I don’t write from the perspective that you are asking for ~
      I hope this clarifies a bit more. Perhaps my writing will help you to look more deeply at your own history and at the same time understand some of the division you are feeling with your own children, and in time those relationships will heal. That is my hope for all.
      by the way, I do understand what you mean when you say that it feels the same as when you were a child.
      Hugs, Darlene

  7. By: jackie Posted: 22nd June

    I am a mother and grand mother of a new born baby. I had an abusive, overpowering mother who kept reminding us what a martyr she was bringing up the 3 of us alone.Through therapy I realised just how verbally and emotionally abusive my mother had been,how nasty she had been to my children(jealousy??) and how she burdened me with guilt and a sense of responsibility for her.
    Through my adult years my solution to so much control was to live far away – at once point across the ocean.Once my children grew up I didn’t want them to experience feeling responsible for me as I had felt burdened by my mother so I got on with my life but being somewhat distanced. I didn’t ask much in terms of visits/phone calls etc and even remarried in another country.

    Partly because of them settling down to family life I have returned to the UK. But now there is a distance which I am trying to bridge but no matter how hard I try I seem to get it wrong. Offers of help are seen as interference and control. I actually feel a little afraid – I seem to get criticised a lot and attempts to explain myself are not really accepted. My children seem keen enough to use me when they need me but I don’t feel welcome unless I’m being useful. Actually coming around to see me or visit isn’t on their list of things they do.
    I’m writing this because all of you are quick to see the mistakes your mothers made – as did – but maybe you also need to look at the patterns of relating so your poor relationships with your mother don’t in some subtle way affect the way you treat your children. In my attempt not to be like my mother I went the other way of being distant and now my children don’t seem to want to have much to do with me.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 22nd June

      Hi Jackie,
      I am so sorry that you struggle with the relationships that you have with your children and I think that many here are trying to do just as you suggest; to be aware of the ways that we are relating to our children so as NOT to make the same mistakes that were made with us. Many parents, as you say, go the opposite direction as the parent they had, and yet still do the same damage. And I also see (and have written many posts about ) the relational history from my grandmother, to my mother, to myself.

      You mention that “all of you are quick to see the mistakes your mothers made” but I don’t think that is true. It took me years to realize all of this stuff. There is not really anything quick about it. I am willing to work things out with my mother but she isn’t. I wonder why she isn’t. It sounds like you are willing to try to have real relationship with your children. Have you tried to explain to them what you have explained to me? It took a few years for my children to trust that things really were different now, when I went through my process of healing and the process of healing that my marriage had to also go through. I (we both) had to “prove” with actions that our intentions really were love based without any motive. My husband went through this much worse then I did, and many times we were frustrated by how our actions were misinterpreted by the kids, but we always had to realize that this was the result of history and we had to let the kids heal in their own time. I have touched on this in my blog posts also. I know that this is hard.

      Thanks for sharing here Jackie.
      Hugs, Darlene

  8. By: Pam Posted: 17th June

    Joy,

    That is the only right thing to do. Someone else’s faith will do you no good. You have to make it your own. I can’t think of a bettr place for you to start.

    Love,
    Pam

  9. By: Lynda ~ Out Of The cRaZy Closet Posted: 17th June

    Dear Joy,
    I have been reading your comments for a while now and I think you are awesome and amazing and WONDERFUL. To be so thoughtful, to be so intelligent, to be so kind, and so incredibly resilient, after the HELL you have been through!!! WOW. You are terrific, and your hugs are most definitely OK wth me. Thank You!!

    ((HUGS))
    Lynda

  10. By: joy Posted: 17th June

    Lynda

    I do appreciate the quotes .. please know this.. there is good in all ..I just felt need to share that right now am learning…discovering.. investigating.. I appreciate your support Lynda..please know this..

    (hugs) if ok

    Joy

  11. By: Lynda ~ Out Of The cRaZy Closet Posted: 17th June

    Joy, comment #72, very beautifully said. I, too, had religion FORCED down my throat as a child… my dad was the preacher of our church. My very mentally ill, very abusive dad. My mother to this day thinks that being holy means beating people over the head with the Bible.

    As a result, I was stuanchly agnostic for many decades. It has only been in the past 8 years, since I turned 50, that I have called myself a believing Christian. However, after what I went through with my parents, I would never try to force my beliefs on anyone. I also do not personally believe that God wrote the Bible, I believe that MAN wrote the Bible. I also respect everyone’s right to chose their own beliefs, or disbeliefs… I think it is the height of ignorance, rudeness, and arrogance, for anyone to think that their beliefs are the only TRUE beliefs. I believe what I believe… but I have believed differently in the past, and I have had many of my pet beliefs, over the years, to be shattered… so who am I to say that my beliefs cannot possibly be wrong?

    I am sorry if my sharing of the verse from Isaiah offended you. I shared it because it is one of the relatively few verses in the Bible that I believe may have been God-inspired, and it gives ME comfort. I was only trying to share my comfort, with you.

    Lynda

  12. By: Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker Posted: 17th June

    Joy, you are very welcome for the list of books about healing the inner child.

    Kate, that bronchitis is a sadness illness makes perfect sense to me. When I left home the bronchitis stopped. When I started dealing with the hurt, anger and sadness of my childhood, I got bronchitis. I have had bronchitis once since then. Will have to think back to what what was going on a few years ago to see why I got bronchitis then. Thanks for that information, Kate.

  13. By: joy Posted: 17th June

    Thank you Darlene

    For you encouraging words. .I am exactly where you say you were at the beginning of your healing . at the investigative stage. I have always wanted to stand up for people of other faiths as a child but never dared lest I get backhanded across my mouht. NOw I am free and in my freedom I choose to just stand in awe and respect for peoples right to choose what they want to believe and what they do not. I respect that everyone will find their way and ask patience as I try to find mine . It’s a great feeling to know I don’t have to just accept things because I am told to; that I have a right to choose and that I have a right to take as much time as I want in doing so. I believe that respect is something that we can give to one another and that enables each person freedom to be who they want and encourages them to grow at their own pace. … thanks for all your encouragement Darlene. thanks to everyone here for their understandding and thanks to my T who also is in the background working very tirelessly on my healing as well. Everyone working together to create healing is so beauiful..love you all ( if that’s ok to say) joy

  14. By: joy Posted: 17th June

    To all about my faith at the moment:

    I don’t know that I am ready to subscribe just to one particular faith based system yet.
    I know many find all their answers in scriptures; but I feel there are other faiths that are
    also equally good and wholesome. I respect all the quotes given me but also acknowledge am trying to come to know what it is I believe inside me about God, The Universe and the DIvine.
    All my life only one set of rules and belief was thrust upon me; so I am at the point that I want to think for myself and come to know for myself what it is I believe. I know in my heart I have strong
    convictions about faith but am also open to other beliefs. I am at the point that I believe there is good to be gleened from every faith.. truth to be found in every belief system. Which one I am subscribing to, making my own is evolving. I am happy that now I am able to choose.
    Think about it there are so many devout hindus, muslims, christians, pagans, atheists. Each faith is convinced that they have their truth. For me, where I am . I say let everyone follow their heart and be open to know that truth is freeing and enlightening. The closer we come to the light and the truth; the more we are able to respect the truth each person embraces as their own.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 17th June

      Hi Rachel!
      Wow… typical! Even though my reaction to hearing stuff like this is always “who would do that”.. I have been talking about this long enough to know that it is typical in a dysfunctional system! WOW. thanks for sharing.
      The rest of your post made me SMILE !! I can just see you giving my mother a piece of your mind! !!!
      Hugs, Darlene

      JOY!!!
      I am so proud of YOU. This is what recovery is ~ to stand up and realize that we have a right to think for ourselves! That we can make some new decisions. That we have some INVESTIGATING to do before we make those decisions. I put my “faith” and all the teachings I had tried so hard to adhere to, aside for at least 2 full years in my process of recovery. I didn’t think about it, I just had to set it all aside. When I recovered from all the brainwashing of abuse, depressions and the rest of it, I looked at what I believed again through the NEW eyes that I now had. One of the things about abuse and dysfunctional systems is that we are never allowed to think for ourselves… and it is so important to take that back! You can make your own decisions and choices and you should!
      Hugs, Darlene

  15. By: Kate Posted: 17th June

    it might be nice if I could spell, though!LOL
    I think that they know what they are doing, they know it gets to you, that it is not how they would treat themselves, they intend on destroying you (not with guns, with words and actions, a slow death, etc)

  16. By: Kate Posted: 17th June

    Rachel,
    I agree, I just don’t think they are ignorant; they want to detroy, and enjoy the process. Hope you don’t think i am nit-piccking….

  17. By: Rachel Posted: 17th June

    Oh precious Darlene, this reminds me of my “in-laws” as my own blessed mother and father were quite long dead at the time of the birth of my last two children. I was told the exact same thing, bed rest, no company, and what did my idiot husband do? Had his lazy and selfish sisters come right over the day after I was released from the hospital. My milk wouldn’t let down so my daughter got severely dehydrated, and had to be taken to the doctor. I felt so guilty at that happening, and all they’d do was sit and stare at me as I’d nurse her as though it were some spectator sport, my nipples were raw and my toes would curl and dig into the carpet as I tried so hard to feed her. My heart breaks into pieces reading this. My inner critical parent wants to relive that time, and be there for you, and stand up to that bitch for you, throw her out on her ignorant ass. Our children and their births should be peaceful times, letting us nest and bond, not have to fight for dear life. Hugs you, understandingly.

  18. By: Pam Posted: 17th June

    Lynda,

    That’s a beautiful scripture.

  19. By: Pam Posted: 17th June

    Joy,
    The rain falls on the good and the evil. You are not undeserving, Joy. I don’t know if you will ever have all that you want but I do believe that,someday, it will be better. Life will never be perfect but we can learn to weather the storms and we can recover from the storms in life that have been devastating.

    You are worthy. You are loved.

    Pam

  20. By: Kate Posted: 17th June

    Because I was not just standing up to my parents, by the time I finally did, but I was standing up to THEIR whole support system! THE CHURCH!!! and in a small town, that is huge!

  21. By: Kate Posted: 17th June

    hit submit accidentally,

    it is one thing that made it so hard for me to ever stand up to my parents.

    Darlene, oh yeah, thanks for the reminder about early bedtime and the Narc mom! YES! LONG nights not being able to go to sleep and wondering if I would ever have a life. LONELY as I was an only for five years, and then it is like my sister and I didn’t have many experiences in common ever. I would sit on the corner of my bed and bounce and sing for at least an hour every night. Would I be allowed to grow up? Or have to stay in bed my whole life?

  22. By: Kate Posted: 17th June

    If this isn’t a set up for abuse, i don’t know what is, and it is taught to the masses! My husband said that even Hitler wouldn’t want these boot lickers!

    And whoever says it in the most creative way wins the most followers.

    “If you are blessed enough to be aligned with a servant-leader who demonstrates true Biblical authority, honour them, support them, and submit to them. But don’t expect them to cover you – that’s not theirs to give.

    False doctrines are mindsets and beliefs that can only be cast down by the Spirit and the Word together. And ultimately, our walk in is the Spirit is not the responsibility of leadership; it is our own responsibility. It is time for each one of us to choose – do we want the rulership of kings, or do we want the rulership of THE King?

    (Which is US, not God)

    Finally, let me leave you with these thoughts:
    (Rhetorical questions–none of this is real thought!)
    1) Who covered Philip when He went down to Samaria and started a revival? (The apostles heard about it and sent Peter and John down to check it out!) (Acts 8:4-8)

    2) Who covered Philip when the angel of the Lord directed him to the Gaza desert? (Acts 8:26-40) (There’s no record of the Ethiopian eunuch asking him for his “covering” credentials!)

    3) Who covered Ananias when he was sent to pray for Saul? (He went to pray for a known enemy of the church and didn’t even get permission!) (Acts 9:10-18)

    4) Who covered Apollos when he taught boldly in the synagogue, even though he had not yet received the full gospel? (Acts 18:24-25)

    5) And who covered Aquilla and Priscilla when they took Apollos under their wing to instruct him further? (Acts 18:26)

    6) Who covered Agabus when he traveled down from Judea to deliver a prophetic word to Paul? (Acts 21:10)

    The answer is the same in each instance: The Holy Spirit covered, protected, led, and enabled. He is the only covering we need. The real question is this: is He the only covering we want? —–Cheryl McGrath

    I don’t know Cheryl McGrath, but I grew up in this kind of thinking, more and more as I became an adult. Thank GOD I didn’t marry into it. Someone once said that they would rather be with an arrogant man than with a follower. That is what I did. that was its sad story.

    But this stuff is sick and needs to be exposed for what it is. It is one reason why it

  23. By: Lynda ~ Out Of The cRaZy Closet Posted: 16th June

    PS~ Joy, I meant to say that my mother’s latest 60+ page hate letter was her way of trying to shoot me full of HOLES, not wholes. Duh. 😉

    Here is the scripture that has given me so much comfort. I hope it will also comfort you:

    Isaiah 49:15-16 (NIV)
    “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
    and have no compassion on the child she has born?
    Though she may forget, I will not forget you!
    See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands.”

  24. By: Lynda ~ Out Of The cRaZy Closet Posted: 16th June

    Dear Joy,
    I hope you will read and reread again and again, the things that Maribeth wrote to you in comment #58. I agree with what she wrote.

    Joy, I have been reading your sweet and heartbreaking comments for a while now… wanting so much to help, to comfort, to encourage you, and yet not feeling up to the task, because I am still grieving so much for my cousin who drowned recently, the day after I had talked with her for nearly an hour on the phone. It’s so hard for me to understand and accept that Elaine is truly GONE. She was so young.

    But, life is for the living, and I know Elaine would be the first to say that. While we are alive, we must LIVE. Joy, I lived for 50 years… that’s right FIFTY YEARS!, being miserable and hurting so badly inside, because my mother never loved me, and she destroyed my self-esteem. I took my misery with me every where I went.

    But then, at the age of 50, which was in 2003, I FINALLY began to get the understanding and wisdom that is explained so beautifully by Maribeth in comment #58. Joy, I pray that you will not continue to HURT, the way I HURT, until you are fifty! I pray you will get the truth of Maribeth’s comment to you, NOW! I know it takes time for all of this to soak all the way in, after a lifetime of being put down by your own mother, from the time you are a baby, on… it takes TIME and WORK to UNDO all that damage to your ego!

    Joy, my mother was hurting me in the ways you describe your mother hurting you, all my life. I kept trying to please her, trying to make her proud of me, trying to make her love me, trying to just GET ALONG with her, all of my life. I finally gave up, in 2006, when she was RUDE to me when I called to tell her that my baby grandson had died. That was my “final straw.” So, I stopped calling her. Stopped writing her. Stopped sending her Christmas cards. I didn’t stop in to see her when I was coming back through her home town, on my way back from my grandson’s funeral. I just… STOPPED.

    A few weeks ago my mother sent me a 60+ page hate letter. She is not on the computer, and did not mention anything about what I’ve been writing online about her, in her letter, so that is not what provoked it. (I haven’t used her name nor have I been using my own full name, UNTIL THIS WEEK when I decided to add my maiden name to my blog and my facebook). So my point is, my mother’s latest LONG hate letter was not provoked by the fact that I have been writing online about her horrible abuse… she doesn’t know that I have been writing online about her, or else she would surely have jumped down my throat in that long letter, for doing it. No, she just wrote this latest hate letter becasue she felt like it… I guess because I have been ignoring her since 2006, and she thought the way to end my ignoring of her, was to shoot me full of wholes by firing a big cannon at me…

    My mother not only sent me 60+ pages telling me off for everything in my entire life that she thinks is “wrong” about me, she also sent a copy of her hate letter, to her sister, my aunt. My aunt and I have become close over the past 14 years and apparently my mother thought that she could make my aunt hate me, by sending her the letter that spells out in detail every thing that is “wrong” with me.

    But my aunt, who has always loved her own two imperfect children UNCONDITIONALLY, who always focuses on their awesome good qualities, and not on their negative qualities, was appalled that my mother would write such a horrible hateful letter to me. So my aunt wrote my mother back, telling her off in a classy way, and “divorced” her.

    I am telling you this, Joy, because I want you to SEE that HATEFUL ABUSIVE SELF-CENTERED SELFISH MOTHERS DO NOT CHANGE. My mother is in her late 70s now, and I am in my late 50s, and she is treating me just as badly as she treated me when I was a little girl, and she was a very young woman. She will not change.

    Please take care of YOU, Joy. I hope you will soon be able to just turn your mother over to God, and live your own life, without her. Without her in your life, and without her in your head!

    While you are alive… LIVE. Live in peace, live in love, live in beauty, live in JOY. The Bible says, “…though your mother may forget you, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands.”

    JOY ~ YOU ARE LOVED. You were created by God, made in God’s own image. You are no less valuable and worthy, than any other human being ever created. You are engraved on the palms of your heavenly father’s hands. YOU ARE LOVED.

    Lynda

  25. By: joy Posted: 16th June

    Maribeth ..thank you for your explanation of things .. I have so much there you have written that I can think about it. I so appreciate all the time you have taken to write it and I appreciate you support, your prayers and efforts. I really do.. I have lots of sorting out to do. but will take it one day at a time and will ponder all your have written in my heart..thank you :

    Pam..I don’t know what i deserve.. i know what i want .. I don’t see from the all seeing knowing side of the eternal one. i keep trying to do right. thank you for you kindly words.. I just feel if i deserve good than good would be happening to me right? I don’t know am stil in a bunch of fog ..will take quiet moments to ponder why am still in the receiving end of bad. I know am doing all I can but maybe it’s not enough..may be will not be worthy ever of good things?

    Joy

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