My Mother Doesn’t Love Me and the Process of Grieving

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grieving mothers loveWhen I finally drew my boundaries and make it clear to my mother that I was no longer going to accept her devaluing treatment of me, she walked away. She never called again. Oh she played her usual manipulative tricks including telling me that I could contact her “when I have thought about it” but I quickly told her that I it wasn’t up to me anymore. It was now up to her to decide if she was going to have a real relationship with me based on love, mutual respect and equal value, OR if she was going to continue to abuse me. (An option  I would no longer tolerate)

She wanted to just put the whole thing behind us and “start over” I said no and that this time I wanted to deal with it. This time I wanted my say.

She said “Oh Darlene, we have always had our differences but we have always worked them out in the past” and I responded “No Mom, in the past I have always backed down and let you have your way”. 

Always her way. Always a one sided relationship. Always her side.

That was the last time I spoke to her. I left it with her and she refused to bend. She refused to meet me half way.  She turned me down. My mother abandoned our relationship.

When I realized that she wasn’t going to contact me again, it cut me to the core.  I was rejected all over again.  By walking away from me she was saying “you are not worth it Darlene. I can’t be bothered working on having a relationship with you”

And that hurts very deeply. That is a horrible thing to realize and accept.

Not being worth it, had always been my deepest fear; I felt as though she proved I was unworthy of her love by not trying to work on our relationship.  But in reality, her actions do not make a statement about me; they make a statement about her. 

I questioned myself a million times about whether or not I had made a mistake drawing that boundary. But the alternative was just too devaluing. It was at the root of all my depressions and low self-esteem. I wasn’t going to sacrifice myself to her anymore.

The truth is that what my mother actually proved is that she either does not actually love me, or that she is incapable of healthy loving and mutually respectful relationship. (I suspect that both are true.)

I stopped using my suspicion that she was incapable of loving me or herself as the excuse to let her hurt me. There are all these “teachings” out there that when we are an example of “love” we teach love. And the truth is that I was not “being an example of love” by letting her walk all over me.  In truth I was sending her the message that she WAS more important than me and that I would accept her nasty behaviour no matter what because she was the more deserving one in our relationship. Like a dog that always comes home to the master no matter how the master regards the dog.

I had lots of grieving to do. In some of the most painful times, I had an image in my minds eye of the wicked witch in the Wizard of Oz screaming “I’m melting, I’m melting” because sometimes it felt as though the pain of my mother’s rejection would kill me. It felt like I was dying.  

Eventually I began to accept that this was the way it really was.  I had to reaffirm my decision that I didn’t want to live by her rules anymore. I spent months reminding myself what the alternative would be if I lifted my boundary, and reaffirming that I didn’t want to lift it because the alternative was too devaluing to me.

Although I longed for a loving relationship with my mother, I had never had one in the first place; I had no frame of reference for what I actually longed for.

Standing up for myself was empowering. It was like saying “HEY, I deserve better than what you offer” and my actions proved that I believed it.  I made giant strides in the following months towards self-esteem recovery and personal growth.

There is no good answer for the question of why my mother doesn’t love me. She just doesn’t. The truth hurts but it has also set me free. I don’t wait around anymore for approval and love from places where I will not get it. Her actions state that she will love me only if I do things the way she wants.  She will love me if I do our mother daughter relationship the way she wants.

Unconditional love towards my mother on my part no longer looks like me accepting her devaluing and abusive actions and regard towards me. Unconditionally loving my mother is only possible when I respect and love myself in the true definition of love. Relationship with my mother is not possible when the price that I pay includes sacrificing my human rights, individuality and self-esteem.

Today I am free of that false system and false definition of love! I love in truth and equality. I see myself as equally valuable to all others. My self esteem is strong and healing more all the time!

For years I missed the idea of having a loving mother. I don’t miss that idea anymore. I don’t miss what I never had either. Standing up to the dysfunctional and toxic mother daughter relationship stuff went a long way towards my process of emerging from broken.

Please share your thoughts about toxic dysfunctional mother daughter relationship stuff or any other toxic relationship stuff that this post brings up for you.

Exposing Truth; one snapshot at a time.

Darlene Ouimet

The Emerging from Broken book is ready for download! If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, get this book today! This 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to healing.  Get yours here through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

A very hot topic post this week was  ~ Adult Children and the Skewed definition of Respect 

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1,181 response to "My Mother Doesn’t Love Me and the Process of Grieving"

  1. By: Michelle Posted: 19th December

    The reason I say ‘love’ in that way, is because I never really knew the HEALTHY AND CORRECT definition of love. I was not brought up in a truly loving and nurturing environment. My mother used to say she ‘loves us so much it hurts’. (I was so young when she said that, I left home when I was 15 and she had already been saying that for years… How inappropriate!) I don’t recall the context of what was happening at the times she would say that but it was more than likely one of the many times when I was consoling HER over one of her many dramas, emotional or otherwise. (our step father used to beat the crap out of her as well as us ours of course was disguised as discipline)
    Since when did love HURT, and no wonder I’ve been a mess being brought up on that definition of ‘love’

  2. By: Lauralee Posted: 19th December

    Thank you Mimi,

    I know that one day I will take back my power. Right now I am basically giving them my power, every time I cry about them, or feel like I don’t belong. But what am I missing really? The drama, the lies, the whole act they put on, the lack of trust?? Sometimes I just want to shake myself and say read what you wrote Lauralee, wake up. It’s been this way since I was 13. I have raised myself, been to hell and back again, but I have to be proud of myself, no high school diploma but I landed with persistence a very good paying job in the Gov’t. The rest of my family stayed on the merry go round and have nothing, no house, no car, no life insurance. I guess for me it was hard, I was used again, my own fault though, lost over 4 grand in the process. I should have known that people like that just don’t change. I lost my brother and they took advantage of me. I have to keep telling myself that the image in my mind is not who my family is. It’s not easy, especially during the holidays. They are all going to be together and I will be with my family. I love my family, don’t get me wrong, but it hurts deep to know that to THEM I am not good enough. I let them know via mail that the next time someone dies not to call me, even if it is my mum. I do not plan to attend their funerals, that might be mean but if I am no good now then why would I be good then?
    I have to say I do see a ray of light, I do see the light at the end of the tunnel and for the first time I don’t think it’s a train! My therapist will be proud of me! Thank you for your encouragement, every little bit helps!
    Hugs and luv to all, Lauralee

  3. By: Mimi Posted: 19th December

    Oh sheesh…. I failed to address who’s place I wanted to be in on that last post opening line. I was referring to Michelle. Sorry about that!

  4. By: Mimi Posted: 19th December

    Michelle and Lauralee,
    You’re in the place I want to be in!! Actually, I can say I’m honestly not doing so bad nowdays. A few months back I was a wreck though. This site has helped so much. I had about a 3-4 month mental hiatus in the spring and summer this year which was centered mostly around my mother. I cried all day some days; many days, and wrote so much in my journal. I look at that now and realize it was so therapeutic, incredible pain, but therapeutic. I see that what I went through was like a high intensity boot camp where I didn’t stop until I was done. It WAS intense, and it was every day. I remember wondering if I would ever be out the other side; if I would be sane again. Buckets of emotion and pain and tears poured out onto the pages of my journal. I thought it might never end. At the time I don’t even think I realized I was doing the work of healing, because what it felt like was torture. I remember reading a line in a book at the time that said something like this ~ you’ll know you’re done when you get sick of yourself. It’s true. Although it didn’t happen all of the sudden for me. It wasn’t like I woke up one day and I knew I was done. I slowly regained the ability to concentrate again, and remember things again. I didn’t really even realize I had climbed out of that pit. I guess I was done. Again, my heart goes out to you Lauralee and I hope you’re finding a little ray of light here.
    Love,
    Mimi

  5. By: Lauralee Posted: 19th December

    Hi Michelle,

    So sorry you had to go through the abuse as well. My mother didn’t even come to court, even though she caught my dad molesting my sister when she was a baby, instead she just had more kids with him. I don’t understand, nor will I ever. I have to say these last couple of days of reading this site have given me hope, and so have your words. I believe that my mum too took every last drop from me as well, along with my selfish sister. I hope that one day I will be able to stand up and not get emotional or teary eyed when I speak of my mum, even though I know in my heart she never was one or never will be one. Too bad you couldn’t find a place called “Adopt a Mom”. Maybe I should put up an ad in the wanted colums, WANTED: A mother who will love you unconditionally and who will respect your boundries.
    I’m happy for you Michelle that you are in a place where you can feel nothing at all towards her. I too hope that one day I will get there as well, one step at a time they say, one little baby step.
    Hugs to you,
    Lauralee

  6. By: Michelle Posted: 19th December

    Omg so much of this relates to me it’s unreal!!
    I am like Darlene in that I do not miss my mother at ALL anymore, she has squeezed every last drop of any ‘love’ I ever had for her. The last drop fell when she clapped when ivread my victim impact statement in court, when I took my horrible step father to court for sexually abusing me. It was a slow, sarcastic clap. Oh, and she also called me a liar and hypochondriac THROUGHOUT me reading it!! (my niece, adult daughter, MIL, and husband were sitting right in front of her in the courtroom as that was the only place I could see while I was up in the stand read the statement so they heard everything) my husband had to physically restrain my 21 yo niece from tearing up to her, he didn’t succeed at the end, she managed to go up to her and said ‘ you have just made it SO much easier for me to hate you!’ and even then my stupid mother looked puzzled as if to say’what have I ever done to you?’ . (which she has asked my niece before.. And THAT is a whole other extremely heartbreaking story).

    So yeah, I never had a mum, always wanted one, won’t get one now coz I learned to ‘mother’ myself.
    I don’t even get sentimental about her anymore, YAY for me! she squeezed that last drop out..

    Love to all xo

  7. By: Lauralee Posted: 19th December

    Thank you Darlene and Mimi,

    Something you said Mimi clicked in with me, the “image” I have of my mother, I guess the image I am missing doesn’t really apply or exist to anyone except my sisters. I keep hanging on, hoping and waiting when I am literally throwning time away just for them and they don’t deserve my time or head space. It is so easier said than done to just ignore them, and forget about them, like they do not exist, if only. The hard part is moving on, and I have to move on, for my family but most of all for me. You can’t force someone to love you, you can’t make someone who you want them to be and I believe they will never change. I think that they use me as I am the only one who never got on that Merry go round.I pray everyday for strength, stregth to go on, to move forward but most of all for my heart to mend, to stop hurting so much. I am so glad to know I am not alone and losing my mind, I don’t know another person who’s mother is like this, it’s sad!
    Hugs to all of you, Lauralee

  8. By: Mimi Posted: 18th December

    Lauralee,
    My heart goes out to you. It’s so incredible the pain that people can cause. Specifically, the people we love and should be able to trust, and who should also love and protect us. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I have felt suicidal at times too. I have felt like the loss of my mother, rather, the loss of the image I had of my mother would literally kill me, and I questioned if it would ever go away. The pain was excruciating. I cried every day for what seems like several months. I journaled a LOT. I cried and wrote and sometimes that would be all I could get done in a day. I felt a lot of guilt from that on top of the horrible way I felt anyway. Darlene and everyone here have really helped me so much. I read a lot of posts and see that so many people have pain and I’m not alone. That was pretty huge for me. I thought I was alone and no one understood. Even my counselor makes lame excuses for my mother…. because she knows her personally. I have gotten so much comfort here and I hope you do too. The value of the words written here is priceless, for me. I hope you continue to come back and that you find some comfort very very soon. That feeling that comes with thinking about suicide is horrific. I feel like I’m totally spent, and can’t imagine enduring another moment of the pain. Somehow, I have. Somehow, there was still a little flame that didn’t want to be blown out. That’s when I found this blog. I have found immeasurable refuge here. It’s my safe place. I hope you feel that way one day too. I’m so sorry for the pain you’re in. Please hold on….I have hope that it doesn’t last forever.
    with love,
    Mimi

  9. By: Lauralee Posted: 18th December

    Thank you Darlene and Marc for your kind words of support. It took me ten years to finally find peace with everything and yet here I stand again. I loved my brother, regret not being able to say goodbye, he went so fast, he too was an alcoholic. Sometimes I wonder if my mother resents me so much because I got off the Merry go Round or I should say never got on it in the first place. I was the baby of the family, and said to myself I never wanted to live like them, on social assistance, I wanted a good job and a house etc. and that is exactly what I did. I was sexually abused by my dad for 3 years and finally took him to court later on in life where he plead guilty. He is dead now, and that I feel is behind me. As I said, I was away from the family for ten years and the only reason I went back was because of my brother. I know I wouldn’t go back of someone else died, not even my mom. I have to stop myself from picking up the phone, this Christmas will be difficult, I hurt deep in my heart, knowing they will all be together and I will be with my family. Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband and girls, but just when I thought I was done with all that crap I have to start over from 0. I guess what we expect our mother’s to say to us doesn’t always happen in the real world. I was looking for her to acknowledge me, see me, love me, but instead I got something else. And why me? How is it that they (my two sisters) can do anything yet my mom will still talk and love them, but when it comes to me she doesn’t care? I know I am strong, despite my suicide attempt when I just couldn’t handle it anymore, a place taht I hope to never be in again, I just feel numb and so hurt today, I sure hope it goes away. I will continue to read this site, I have to say that it brings me great comfort knowing that I am not alone, I am not losing my mind, that there are more people out there than we think who have mother’s who don’t love us or care for us. I raised myself since I was 13 years old, being the baby of an alcoholic drug addict family, 1 brother, 2 sisters, and vowed never to touch the stuff, and I made it, why can’t I get through this door, this part? I even survived breast cancer, and was never once called by my family to see how I was. They say now that if they would have known they would have been at the hospital but I don’t believe it really.
    Why can’t I make the hurt stop and get through this if I got through of all that? Does the hurt last forever? Do we go on forever wondering what they are doing, if they are thinking of us, if they even care? Please tell me sooner or later it goes away, because this sure is a sad way to live.
    Lauralee

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 19th December

      Hi Lauralee
      My heart goes out to you. I had some similar grieving stuff with my family too but it gets better. The hurt in my case did go away. I don’t wonder “why” any more. About my siblings, they are totally in the fog, which means that they are no threat to my parents. I am a threat because I know the truth. (and I expose it, therefore I expose them but even the threat of being exposed can cause a person who lives in that old system, to reject)
      I had to ask myself exactly what (about my family) I was missing. I asked myself that so many times and each time I went deeper I realized that there was not much to miss. In looking at that question closely, (this took a while) I saw the truth. I saw the damage and the rejection more clearly. I saw how little regard for me that my mother had. I saw how it was all about her. That HURTS, but the truth is what set me free. I don’t have that pain anymore.
      Like Mimi said, I grieved mostly for what I never had.
      I am so glad you are here. Thank you for sharing your heart so honestly and deeply. There is hope and healing.
      Hugs, Darlene

  10. By: Marc Posted: 18th December

    Mitzi,

    I am shocked to hear the abuse you went through. I am so sorry 🙁

    You were almost killed 🙁

    In retrospect you did what you needed to do to survive another day.

    That you have survived and were able to get here is an amazing achievement. Many have died or became very abusive people themselves. My hat goes of for you.

    My deepest sympathies for what you have gone through. It must have been a horrible nightmare for you 🙁

  11. By: Marc Posted: 18th December

    Hi Lauralee,

    I am so sorry 🙁

    I feel the pain and disappointment when reading your story. 🙁

    It is typical within abusive families that they will contact you again when they feel they have a strong weapon again such as someone died. Only to abuse you again. I am so sorry they did this with you. 🙁

    I really like what Stefan Molyneux said on this: why would I attend their funeral? I didn’t love them when they lived. Why would that change when they die?

    I plan to not attend their funeral, even though it is ‘not done’.

    Again, I am very sorry for what you had to go through 🙁

  12. By: Lauralee Posted: 18th December

    New to this site but here I go. I had been out of the “family” for the past ten years. On October 30th, 2011 I got a call from my aunt telling me my brother passed away. Then my nother called me, and my other sister. Next thing I knew I was back into the family. I missed my mom so much and hoped this time would be different. I paid for my brother’s funeral, he had no insurance, stood there by myself greeting guests while they all sat inside. Finally I went to get the priest to start. I was the one who spoke at the funeral for the family as well, nobody else said a word. My mother was supposed to sit beside myself and my sister, only she decided to get up and sit with my son who does not talk to me because of all the crap his dad told him about me. I managed to stay composed, and at the end of the funeral I was left with everything while everyone left for my sisters place. I helped moved my mom and stayed with her for almost 2 weeks to make sure she was ok. The only boundries I set with my mom was that I did not want to hear about my son, it is too hard for me, he believes what his father has told him, his father turned him against me. Could she do it? No, she had to tell me she was going to his place for dinner. I lost it. I shut the door again. But, seeing I am a sucker for punishment I called her, only to hear the same BS I always hear. Turing it all on me, that I will never be happy if I can’t let go of the past. I have an older sister whom fights with my mom everyday, yet mom still loves her. And another one who hardly bothers with her, yet mom still loves her. All I wanted to hear from my mom the last time I called was “I don’t care if your sister doesn’t want you around, I respect your boundries and want you in my life” instead I got “I’ll have your books dropped off at your aunts” “Take care of yourself” “I love you”. I truly don’t think this woman knows what love is, she ripped my heart out all over again, it is so hard to grieve for someone who is alive and only lives 20 minutes away from you. How do you do it. I did it for ten years, always wondering, does she ever think of me? Does she care? Why am I the only child she doesn’t like? It makes me suicidal at times. I feel like I’m up against an army, the three of them and then me. Does the hurt eventually go away? I just don’t know what more I could do? Has anyone else ever had the whole family against them and not know why? My in-laws say it is jealousy, I have more than them but it was my choice to find a very good job to provide for my family so that they didn’t grow up to be drug addicts and alcoholics. I feel like I am being punished for it. I even hate the thought of Christmas, my sister who told me in early Nov that she hated my other sister, invited her over for dinner with my mom. All one big happy family. And me, well, who cares, I have my own place to be I guess. It hurts, it hurts so bad that sometimes it is so very hard to go on.
    Lauralee

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 18th December

      Hi Lauralee
      Welcome to Emerging from Broken
      My family all turned on me. I have found total freedom and have overcome all the obstacles related to my past including the pain of all that. I don’t think much anymore about it my parents or family ever think of me. I don’t know if they really ever did. I was only good for what I could do for them. I let all that go in order to save my own life.
      But first I had to go through the process that I write about in this site in order to get be able to put it behind me. It is not a quick answer process.
      I hope you read more. There is tons of information about how I did this. There is lots of hope and insight here!
      Hugs, Darlene

  13. By: Mitzi Posted: 15th December

    Hi Mimi and thank you for your kind words. My dad was not “mean” he was just totally unavailable, absorbed in catering to my mother who to this day has such powerful control over him it is pitiful really.

    I am learning, at times such a slow process, to take the things that happened in my own life and make certain that these things NEVER happen in my own children’s lives.

    Much love,
    Mitzi

  14. By: Mimi Posted: 15th December

    Mitzi,
    I too went through some abusive relationships after I left my mother’s home. They were no where near what you endured, but emotionally and verbally abusive, and at times physical. My dad had some violent times as well; a raging alcoholic. I think when I got out on my own, I had decided to draw a line SOMEWHERE, just not close enough to myself. I did let a few different men get abusive, and it lasted several years. It was not like my father had been though. Or, perhaps it was, but because I was an adult, I didn’t have the fear I had as a child. I was positively petrified of my father. Anyhow, I admire so much the people here that turn it all around and raise their kids with conscious decisions to make a change in the patterns. I’m happy you have a nice supportive husband and beautiful daughter to raise!!
    love,
    Mimi

  15. By: Mimi Posted: 15th December

    Brenda B.
    I absolutely related to your poem. I just want to offer my condolences for the loss of your mother and your family. If your heart is aching, please know I was very impacted by your honesty and your story, and that I’m thinking of you, with hope that you find comfort.
    Most Sincerely,
    xoxo
    Mimi

  16. By: Mitzi Posted: 15th December

    Hi Brenda, I am new to the forums, but am finding that everyone who comments and shares any part of their own story makes me realize with each written word how “not alone” I am anymore.

    I, like you, went from having an abusive mother right into the arms of an abusive man. I ‘escaped” from my home life when I was 15 years old and because I had disgraced the family by moving in with a man, my mother ‘forced’ me to marry him. On our wedding night, he raped me and beat me and then continued to abuse me every single day for the next six months. He moved me into a run down apartment in the Detroit, never allowed me to have money, not even to eat and would start each day by pouring a hot coffee on me. (this was my cup of coffee for the morning he’d say) He would actually pinch me and twist my skin until I bled on a daily basis.. Within the first two months of our marriage he introduced me to a co worker of his who had a side job as a pimp. (pink suit, pink hat with fur, whole nine yards) I was terrified. Although he never made me take that avenue, he threatened me with it on a daily basis. I was literally terrified of him.

    After six months of daily beatings, I asked him for a divorce. That last day he began beating me at 6 a.m. and stopped that evening at 6 p.m. He drove me to a wooded area where he showed me the grave he had already dug to bury me in. The only reason he stopped and did not kill me was because I pretended that I had made a mistake and loved him with all my heart and begged him to forgive me and “take me back”. It was the most humiliating experience a child (of now 16) could have had to do. It took me many many years to heal from that. When he got into the shower to wash my blood off of him, I called the police and they came and took me. I remember being terrified that he would hurt the police.

    The reason I didnt leave him, was because I would sit and think when I was alone and weigh out which was worse..the beatings from my husband or the emotional/physical abuse from my mother. I chose the beatings. I had no where to go but back home to live with my mother, which eventually did happen. The few months that I lived back at home, I actually thought of going back to my abusive husband because I honestly couldn’t distinguish which was worse.

    After reading a lot of posts from the women on here, I think the majority of us chose, unconsciously, to enter into abusive relationships and once there felt that we did not deserve anything better. When Gary would beat me up, I would always think to myself, “I deserve this because I used him as an escape from my mother and this is my pay back”. In my heart of hearts of truly believed that.

    My mother’s reaction to his abuse was “What did you do?” She confirmed to me that I deserved it. However, she put on a big front in front of other family members, acting as if she felt such compassion for the suffering I had endured.

    I went into many other abusive relationships after that. The more horrible a man would treat me, the more ‘in love’ with him I was. Even the man I am married to today was emotionally abusive to me in the beginning of our relationship, but I set my boundaries and we both sought help. Today he is my Rock!

    I look at my daughter today, who is the same age as I was at that time and am filled with such a protective force for her. From that experience and from the many years of therapy that followed, I have learned how to guide my daughter by teaching her self love and respect for herself so that she never has to make the kind of choices I did.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 15th December

      Hi Brenda
      Controlling/manipulative people will say anything to deflect the blame off themselves. My life was a constant put down before I embraced the truth. And now I am free from their judgements and lies about me.
      Thank you for sharing
      Hugs, Darlene

      Hi Mitzi
      Thank you for sharing this story. It is powerful and revealing about how we think these things through when our grid of understanding is messed up and we think things through by the dysfunctional history. (That is the belief system that I am talking about)
      Yay for the changes you made with your own daughter too!
      Hugs, Darlene

  17. By: Holli Posted: 15th December

    Brenda – your words touched me just now. It is so empowering to realize that those that did us wrong as children do not have to continue to be part of our lives as adults…no matter how hard it is to separate ourselves from them. I wrote first about my abusive husband in relation to this post…but I too had an abusive “mother”. She was a guardian, one that didn’t come into my life until 10. Her and her husband had moved out to California and I lived in Indiana only 4 days after I graduated. She never called me that summer, and when I reached out for help financially getting ready for college – she got one last power play in denying me any real assistance. I hung up the phone knowing I was done with her at that point.

    Once I became a Christian at 19 I thought she was part of my “old life” and that she had no jurisdiction over my life anymore. However, after “waking up” in an abusive marriage…I realize how much she was/is still part of my life in my negative thought patterns. It is taking some work, much work…but I am getting over her and regaining the power she wrongly took from a vulnerable young girl to benefit herself. (I had lost my own mother to cancer at age 9, but even before that because she had been sick since I was 4.) Even now I can feel the urge to get bitter, angry and resentful at the guardian “mom” …yet I know that only gives her the power I so desperately want back from her and my ex husband. I know, having recently heard about the suicide her only son committed this summer and the alcoholism that has captured her life even more – that she has her own issues. And it makes me sad…sad that her and her husband’s issues have caused the death of a person I once considered my brother. Sad that they are still in denial and still “killing” those around them with it.

    Any who – thanks for your brave words and for listening to my story. God bless you – and I hop you will visit me at my post sometime!

  18. By: Brenda B. Posted: 15th December

    i am so glad others could relate to my poem. It came from the heart. On the way back from my mother’s funeral I had a lot of time to think (11 hours one way) My brother and Uncles blame me for not trying harder. They accuse me of lieing, something I do not do. They have disowned me. My mother put in her will that I am left nothing and I know why. I was close to home when I realized— Nothing changes for me. I went back to the life I knew before she died. I am far away from my side of the family. My children are loved and amazing. I have a roof over my head, food in the house and a job that pays the bills. I have no regrets. My mother’s boyfriend told me I should. Whatever. All the drama, secrets and lies proved that I had done the right thing all those years ago. Children do as we do not as we say. Putting up with that !@#$%^&*!!!! is wrong. I never want them to accept that stuff in their lives. They,unfortunately, got to see why I was not in contact with my mother. As hard as it was to do, I did the right thing. I divorced my mother. I never wished her harm or ill will. But to have a healthy relationship with me, meant honesty and facing truth. I learned through much education and counseling that you should not make the same mistake twice. Ditto with arguements. You need to find the problem, face it head on, and correct it so it does not happen again. My mother could not do that. She made her choice and I made mine. I did the right thing and at 45+ years of age, I realized I am not a bad person. Just because my mother could not love me does not mean I am a bad person. It meant she had her own issues.

  19. By: Mitz Posted: 14th December

    Thank you for feedback, Darlene <3! You have no idea how grateful I am to have found your blog. Although, I believed my journey of self worth/self forgiveness/acceptance, etc. had begun, I now realize that I was missing certain tools and you are supplying me with so many of the missing ones!

  20. By: Mitz Posted: 14th December

    WOW!!! WOW!!! I am literally breathless after reading these posts! Darlene, words cannot express to you how grateful I am that you had the courage to start a site like this. I honestly felt like I was alone in this world..that no mother/daughter could have possibly ever had a relationship like the one my mother and I shared.

    There is so much I want to share, to get it off my chest with women who truly understand how demeaning this can make a woman feel. The one person in our lives, as women, that society has proven should be there for us, is the one person who tried to destroy each of us!

    I look back and can’t remember my mother ever showing me true love or compassion. Her emotions/reactions to me were solely based on whether or not I did exactly what she wanted me to do. She had a different plan of personalities for me each individual person in our lives. For instance; her younger brother (who was molesting me at 12 years old) I was expected to act as if he was the most handsome man on earth. She had a script set up prior to him showing up at home to visit and if I did not follow that script to the letter, there were dire consequences. However, one of her sisters, who I adored, I was scripted to treat with disrespect. She was a hard working single mother who had really progressed in life, but my mother was very jealous of her, so basically, I was not allowed to “love her”. Same with my father’s sisters. She had horrible relationships with them, so if I showed any type of affection towards them, I would be punished. She even controlled how I spoke to or treated my own father.

    Leaving home at 15 years old was to me my escape. However, I continued for many many years later to give her permission to abuse me. She actually would become physically abusive towards me even when I was in my thirties. I ached for her love.

    It has been three years since I have seen my parents, but just recently, a few weeks ago, I was informed by my father via telephone that neither of them ever wanted to see me or my children/grandchildren again. Although, it had been three years, I still had held onto “just maybe” one day she and I could be close. I am 50 years old and she is a 70. I hoped and prayed that someday she would “snap” out of it and become who I needed as my mother. No matter how old you become, it is natural to crave that close relationship with your mother.

    I am not willing any longer to be her puppet and I would never allow my children to see or think that that is the way a parent/child relationship should be. Although, I ache inside and I miss what I thought could have been, there is a huge part of me that is beginning to be grateful for the freedom from her. For now, because I know my children are safe from her influence and one day I hope to heal enough that I can totally accept it all for what it is. I realize that I must grieve this loss and it will be a process.

    I must say though, that after finding your site, I feel stronger about the process.

    Again THANK YOU from the bottom of my “shattered” heart. <3

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 14th December

      Hi Mitz
      Wow, thank you for sharing some of your story! I love your honesty!
      I have written in this site about the kind of “punishment” that you are talking about here. (when your father called after three years to inform you that they never wanted to see you or your children again) I totally understand the shock of that! They were the abusive ones, and they punished YOU for drawing a boundary! For me, this kind of “action” was all about ownership. I dared to stand up to my parents and my husband dared to stand up to his parents. And they were so outraged that they walked away from us. They never wanted to sort it out.. it was just “over” I was in shock for well over a year when it happened. BUT when the fog lifted and the dust settled, I could see the truth SO much more clearly! And Wow did the truth ever set me free!
      I am so glad you are here! this is a really great community and we have some really healing discussions about all of this stuff.
      Hugs, Darlene

  21. By: Giftedwithbrokenness Posted: 1st December

    Just wanted to revise my last statement “actions speak louder than words” since I don’t necessarily believe that is true. Both actions and words matter. So I’d like to replace that comment with: Words and actions need to match otherwise words are not sincere.

  22. By: Mimi Posted: 1st December

    What truly boggles my mind, is how my mother refuses to acknowledge truths and responsibility. You know what I’ve found to be so rewarding in my own life and dealing with others ~ the minute I own my part, give a genuine apology, take action to back up my genuity, and treat the situation with the careful attention it deserves, I feel so much better. And, so does the other person(s) involved. So, why is it so difficult for my mother to do this?? Even SHE would feel better if she tried it. It’s unchartered territory, and she’s not about to set foot on it. Truly sad because I believe it keeps her unhappy too.
    Mimi

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 1st December

      Hi Mimi
      I gave up on figureing out my mother and others exactly like this. I believe it is about how they regarded me with less value then they themselves had so why would they listen to me?? I told my mother in our last conversation that she could live in this freedom too. That she could overcome all the abuse from her childhood and she could live the rest of her life in the wonder and truth that I had found. She listened to me, I could tell she was listening… but then she didn’t call again. I really want my mother to find what I have found but not at the expense of sacrificing myself anymore.
      Hugs, Darlene

      Giftedwithbrokenness
      I love the way you re worded that! I have used that expression tons the old way ~ but I like your new way better!
      Hugs, Darlene

  23. By: Giftedwithbrokenness Posted: 1st December

    Angelina,

    I also feel non-apologies (such as “sorry I’m the worst mother in the world”) come out of a mindset that there is nothing that can be done today and in the present, and that the problem is with the child for having too high of expectations, and that thinking that by doing the best you could/can means that you have no accountability when there are things that you did wrong that most likely are continuing unhealthy patterns currently. A non-apology often stems for apologizing about how someone feels rather than apologizing for one’s own wrong actions. No one needs to apologize for another’s feelings.

    Regardless, when past hurts and dysfunctional/unhealthy patterns are brought to light it is not to cast blame as so much as to plea for change and for betterment of the relationship, if possible.

    What I’m dealing with my mom is unwillingness to change her harmful and destructive patterns (such as guilting, being hyper-critical, discounting truths and feelings, etc.).

    A truly honest apology can be helpful in the start of the repair of the relationship between my mother and I, but it will never be enough if she chooses not to change. I am not vague about what verbally abusive things she chooses to say about me that need to stop; so in my case, it’s entirely about the disrespect that she displays towards me regardless of how many times she verbally says she loves me. Actions speak louder than words.

  24. By: Mimi Posted: 1st December

    Angelina,
    I must say that if my mother apologized to me for being “the worst mother in the world”, I would perceive it as a non-apology. If she hugged me and said, “Mimi, I’m so sorry I’ve hurt you, please help me understand so we can mend these broken pieces”, It would be perceived in a much different light. If she stated she was the worst mother in the world, I would know in my heart that the comment could be interpreted to mean, she’s refusing to take any responsibility for her part in damaging the relationship. Just my perception if the same thing were to happen in my relationship with my mother.
    Mimi

  25. By: Angelina Posted: 30th November

    My daughter thinks I do not love her. She told me many of the same things you wrote. She told me last May 2010. I apologized for being the worst mother in the world, and then I decided if this is what she thinks, what is the use in me trying to hold a relationship of any kind with her, any longer, it would just make matters worse on both of us. So our ties are now severed. In the future, if she wants me I am here, she knows where to find me. I will not seek her out and ruin her life any further, that is exactly how much I love her.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 1st December

      Hi Angelina
      Welcome to emerging from broken. I winced when I read your comments that you apologized for being the worst mother in the world. I don’t know what your voice infliction was like when you said that to your daughter, but my mother has said stuff like that to me and it was mean and meant to make me feel bad. I would not shut the door on my mother if she wanted to sit down and communicate with me honestly without blaming it all on me or without defending herself with things that continue to point the blame at me. Your comments seem like a put down to your daughter. you say ” I will not seek her out and ruin her life any further.. that is exactly how much I love her”. That really doesn’t sound like love it sounds like self pity and it sounds like your pain.
      The only way that I found healing and was able to be the parent that my kids needed was to heal my own pain. Then I was far better able to understand the pain my own kids were in.
      I hope that you understand the loving intention in my comments.
      Hugs, Darlene

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