My Mother Doesn’t Love Me and the Process of Grieving

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grieving mothers loveWhen I finally drew my boundaries and make it clear to my mother that I was no longer going to accept her devaluing treatment of me, she walked away. She never called again. Oh she played her usual manipulative tricks including telling me that I could contact her “when I have thought about it” but I quickly told her that I it wasn’t up to me anymore. It was now up to her to decide if she was going to have a real relationship with me based on love, mutual respect and equal value, OR if she was going to continue to abuse me. (An option  I would no longer tolerate)

She wanted to just put the whole thing behind us and “start over” I said no and that this time I wanted to deal with it. This time I wanted my say.

She said “Oh Darlene, we have always had our differences but we have always worked them out in the past” and I responded “No Mom, in the past I have always backed down and let you have your way”. 

Always her way. Always a one sided relationship. Always her side.

That was the last time I spoke to her. I left it with her and she refused to bend. She refused to meet me half way.  She turned me down. My mother abandoned our relationship.

When I realized that she wasn’t going to contact me again, it cut me to the core.  I was rejected all over again.  By walking away from me she was saying “you are not worth it Darlene. I can’t be bothered working on having a relationship with you”

And that hurts very deeply. That is a horrible thing to realize and accept.

Not being worth it, had always been my deepest fear; I felt as though she proved I was unworthy of her love by not trying to work on our relationship.  But in reality, her actions do not make a statement about me; they make a statement about her. 

I questioned myself a million times about whether or not I had made a mistake drawing that boundary. But the alternative was just too devaluing. It was at the root of all my depressions and low self-esteem. I wasn’t going to sacrifice myself to her anymore.

The truth is that what my mother actually proved is that she either does not actually love me, or that she is incapable of healthy loving and mutually respectful relationship. (I suspect that both are true.)

I stopped using my suspicion that she was incapable of loving me or herself as the excuse to let her hurt me. There are all these “teachings” out there that when we are an example of “love” we teach love. And the truth is that I was not “being an example of love” by letting her walk all over me.  In truth I was sending her the message that she WAS more important than me and that I would accept her nasty behaviour no matter what because she was the more deserving one in our relationship. Like a dog that always comes home to the master no matter how the master regards the dog.

I had lots of grieving to do. In some of the most painful times, I had an image in my minds eye of the wicked witch in the Wizard of Oz screaming “I’m melting, I’m melting” because sometimes it felt as though the pain of my mother’s rejection would kill me. It felt like I was dying.  

Eventually I began to accept that this was the way it really was.  I had to reaffirm my decision that I didn’t want to live by her rules anymore. I spent months reminding myself what the alternative would be if I lifted my boundary, and reaffirming that I didn’t want to lift it because the alternative was too devaluing to me.

Although I longed for a loving relationship with my mother, I had never had one in the first place; I had no frame of reference for what I actually longed for.

Standing up for myself was empowering. It was like saying “HEY, I deserve better than what you offer” and my actions proved that I believed it.  I made giant strides in the following months towards self-esteem recovery and personal growth.

There is no good answer for the question of why my mother doesn’t love me. She just doesn’t. The truth hurts but it has also set me free. I don’t wait around anymore for approval and love from places where I will not get it. Her actions state that she will love me only if I do things the way she wants.  She will love me if I do our mother daughter relationship the way she wants.

Unconditional love towards my mother on my part no longer looks like me accepting her devaluing and abusive actions and regard towards me. Unconditionally loving my mother is only possible when I respect and love myself in the true definition of love. Relationship with my mother is not possible when the price that I pay includes sacrificing my human rights, individuality and self-esteem.

Today I am free of that false system and false definition of love! I love in truth and equality. I see myself as equally valuable to all others. My self esteem is strong and healing more all the time!

For years I missed the idea of having a loving mother. I don’t miss that idea anymore. I don’t miss what I never had either. Standing up to the dysfunctional and toxic mother daughter relationship stuff went a long way towards my process of emerging from broken.

Please share your thoughts about toxic dysfunctional mother daughter relationship stuff or any other toxic relationship stuff that this post brings up for you.

Exposing Truth; one snapshot at a time.

Darlene Ouimet

The Emerging from Broken book is ready for download! If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, get this book today! This 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to healing.  Get yours here through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

A very hot topic post this week was  ~ Adult Children and the Skewed definition of Respect 

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1,181 response to "My Mother Doesn’t Love Me and the Process of Grieving"

  1. By: Lydia Posted: 7th November

    It’s been hard for me to find something online that really resonated with me. Many times there was physical abuse and other types of abuse and situations that were much worse than mine and it made me feel even more alone in my situation. My mother wasn’t physically abusive but the mental manipulation and conditional love strings she would use on me to control me have always been there. Using me as a pawn in her narcissistic game… denying she ever said things that hurt me so much when I’d bring them up. Making me feel like I wasn’t remembering correctly… eventually I’d always apologize for the sake of the relationship… so we could “be normal.” 3 months ago (I’m 34 now and married) I had some problems in my marriage and we were sorting things out but my mother was pressuring me to tell her what was going on. I didn’t want to talk about it because these problems were just between my husband and I…. well she didn’t like that and when I “disobey” she must punish me… so she hasn’t talked to me since. I was broken and her rejection was killing me. My father left me as a young child and my grandparents also rejected me in many ways… ultimately not talking to me since many years ago now. I was left feeling very alone. My boundaries have never been respected in my life but as an adult, I now choose who I let in my life and I recognize that only I allow people treat me the way they do. It hurts me deeply that I can’t have that “normal” “tv sitcom” life but I feel that I can finally close the chapter on the last remaining person who consistently hurts me. My happiness (not strictly those around me) is something I deserve and will work to achieve now. Thank you for this article.

  2. By: Gnomes Posted: 25th July

    This article has resonated with me. It makes me feel better that I am not the only one. My father passed away when I was 16, of course my mum was devastated, we all were, but ever since then the world revolved around her and her grief – her children’s grief never was acknowledged or dealt with. I have never had a great relationship with her, she is quite demanding and manipulative. She would only have contact with me when she wanted something. Years went by, I married and had my wonderful son. One day we had a disgreement over something trivial, I stood my ground as I was tired of always giving in. This shocked her. She walked away and immediately cut me, my husband and our son out of her life. Soon afterwards I learned from my brother that she accused me of physically abusing my son. I realised then that she was a truly toxic person and that was the last straw. It has been several years and she has never contacted or sent my son (her grandson) a birthday card, present or letter. I can accept that we have no relationship, but as a mother myself I cannot grasp the concept of deleting your grandchild from your life. I know that we are better off without her nastiness and often bizarre behavior , but occasionally I grieve for the mother daughter bond that I never had.

  3. By: el Posted: 4th February

    Thanks for posting. I am 65 and we seem to have the same mother. Around 7 years ago I did the “ we will have a real relationship or no relationship “ thing. She, too, disappeared. Conceptually I understand that she is a witch etc etc but I have developed debilitating illnesses and am sure it is my incurable disbelief and sadness at the fact that it is now undeniable that she does not give a hoot…

  4. By: Clair Posted: 1st December

    Hi Darlene
    Thank you for sharing your story. I am currently in a whole world of pain as I took the ultimate rejection from my parents for the very last time. That door is now firmly closed.
    The list of destruction they have done to me is too long for here, but I can tell you, people are always saying to me: “you’re very hard on yourself, why do you put yourself down all the time?” and I constantly feel I’m not worth it, that I’m of low value. Why? Because I have been brought up to believe it to be true. Now? I do it part habit, but mainly indoctrination.
    You said that once you let your mum go, you started to get better with such things as self esteem. I’m in absolute devastation at this precise moment, so if you could offer any words of how I get on the esteem train, please please advise! I’ll take anything, I’m so sad.
    Thank you.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 3rd December

      Hi Clair,

      I had to really cement the truth about how I had been taught a false identity and through all of that work the truth I found got stronger. There are a ton of articles here on this site about all the little ways that I did this and also my e-book (also available here on the site) lays it out really well also. 🙂

      I totally understand the pain and sadness but there is freedom, wholeness and happiness on the other side of broken!

      Hugs, Darlene

  5. By: Omar Posted: 17th November

    Wow…thanks for sharing that. I recently lost my mother’s love as well. I was telling her about how badly I wanted to go into business and she kept telling me about why I should stay an employee. I kept giving her reason after reason as to why I wanted to start my own business, and after every reason, she would have some rebuttal about why I should stay an employee. I got sick of the unsupportive comments and said “Mom… F*&^ you.” and I hung up. She called me back and said “I not your mother. Do not every call me again.” Then she texted me the same message and also told me to deal with my temper in a respectful manner. Since then, she’s more less stopped calling me. I do feel heart broken, but also grown up. I’m seeing that not every loves unconditionally, and they make their choices, and not even my mother’s love is unconditional. It’s her choice, not mine.

  6. By: Luciana Posted: 28th January

    I’m so happy that you put this in writing! I’ve been struggling lately, as I haven’t spoken to my mother in over a year. I’m 50 years old now. Throughout my life, my mother stood there and watched my father beat me, handcuff me to the bed with 50lb weights and put a bucket next to my bed, telling me that I was a worthless animal and that’s where I would have to go to the bathroom. My mother was so afraid of my father, he was a police officer. She would wait ill he went to work and then help me carry the weights which my father attached to my feet, with chains and handcuffs and she would help me walk to the bathroom, afraid the entire time that he may come home and see us, rushing me, out fear. When I was in my 40’s, once, she cried and told me that she felt bad, but that if she would’ve called the police on him, he would still be in jail today … Well HELL YEAH, that’s where he belonged. But no … my mother allowed this to happen to me on more than one occasion!!!! My father tied a rope around my neck and dragged me through the yard, even as I lost consciousness a few times … all because I had run away out of fear from what he was doing to me all my life!!! My mother stood there and let it ALL happen, over and over! I’m 50 years old now and my mother just last year accompanied my father, who’s legally blind now, to come to my place of business and protected him and he came in with a gun to threaten me and my husband, knowing full well that my only grandchild could’ve been there that evening. That’s when I said, enough is enough! There’s so many more incident that would make you all sick to your stomach, that should’ve cause me to close that mother daughter door sooner. I questioned my decision for many months and felt so bad … almost like I was sinning. But, I’m DONE! It’s a toxic relationship, I’ve come to the realization that my mother doesn’t give A DAMN about me … and I’m OK with that now. I’m sick and tired of looking for love in that direction. It’s just NOT there! I still pray for both my parents. I still love the both. But I don’t care if I EVER see them again! They have literally BOTH killed a big part of my soul … and it’s taken me a very long time to get it back. It really sucks when the neighbors call the cops because of you screaming for your life while your dad is beating you bloody … as your mom does NOTHING … then when the cops arrive … they stand there and quietly tell you … “I’m sorry, but there’s nothing I can do, he works with us” WTF

  7. By: Amy Posted: 27th October

    Reading this gave me the strength the realize I’ve been rejected by my mother, but that doesn’t mean I’m not worth loving in general. I’m the middle child. I have an older sister and a younger brother. My younger brother was always a problem child with behavioral issues. My father gave up on trying to raise him because whenever he punished my brother, my mom would retaliate by spoiling him and shouting down my father in front of him. When my brother was old enough to cause me physical harm (and he did. Often. The last thing I can recall was him slapping me across my face when I was about 19 because I said I didn’t like a certain type of food) my mother made it clear that I was still most likely the problem. She made it no secret that my brother was the apple of her eye and my sister and I only had value as long as we agreed that he was the best. My brother has known this all his life.

    He’s 28 now. I’m 30. I’ve moved out and I’m currently living with my sister because we have a great, healthy relationship. Until I get married, I can’t see myself living with anyone else. But my brother still lives with my aging parents and I fear he’s driving them into an early grave. He refuses to work but doesn’t mind spending. He doesn’t contribute anything to the household, doesn’t help around the house, but he’s always got friends and strangers over, despite my mom asking him not to. He lays down the law in the house and while my mom complains about it from time to time, she’d rather have him with all his baggage than anyone else in the world.

    Having lived away from the toxic environment for so long, I am no longer conditioned to my brother’s abuse. I visited my family home last night for dinner and my brother relentlessly attacked me for not giving him his way on a certain matter. I stood my ground and because I told him “no” (something he is not accustomed to hearing) he verbally abused me and kicked me out of the house while my mom stood by and said nothing.

    I’ve been trying to get in touch with my mother but she refuses to speak to me. I finally heard from my dad that she’s angry with me and doesn’t want to talk to me. This is only the latest case of something like this happening. It’s always happened before when I lived at home, but I would fake an apology to my mother and she’d be happy with me again.

    But because I’m standing around and refuse to allow my brother to run my life, my mother refuses to speak to me. I fear that if I don’t play her game, she may never speak to me again.

  8. By: Kristen Posted: 15th September

    Darlene, thank you for telling our stories. You didn’t mention this but Narcissistic Personality Disorder abuse and Complex PTSD is the syndrome that all of us here who share your experience need to learn about.

    This is the year I gave up on my mother entirely. I lost my father in April and made the grave mistake of truly believing that in our mutual loss she would reach out to mend the bond(that I now realize was never there) in a moment of clarity and humility. I forgave her when my sister died 15 years ago and she punished me for continuing to live – I thought it was my duty to excuse her in her grief – but I am not going to make anymore excuses for her now. It. Is. Over.

    I finally had the chance a few weeks ago to tell her what I knew about her game and her gross defect as a mother. The one thing I told her that actually sunk in as the lethal blow was when I told her I had my OWN family to love and who loves me in return and now they’re my ONLY family. Those are the only words in my 52 years that have ever had any impact on her. How telling, isn’t it?

    Again, thank you so much for having the courage and skill to articulate this pain so many of us feel. You’ve been cheated – we’ve all been cheated. But the pain stops with us and we rise from the ashes and shine for those who deserve our love and friendship.

    Bless you, my sister. Stay strong.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 15th September

      Hi Kristen
      Thank you for your comments. Yes, PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) is what I find to be the best way to describe what we are healing from. You might be surprised to realize that this problem encompasses way more than “Narcissistic Personality Disorder” which is why I don’t focus on it more. My mother, although she has narcissistic tendencies when it comes to me, is not actually a true narcissist. Realizing that actually helped me in the healing process because I was able to see that she could control her behaviour and when I realized that, I realized that she could have chosen to control it when it came to me as well. So I write primarily about the misuse of power and control and the damage it causes to innocents like us.
      Thanks for sharing!
      hugs, Darlene

  9. By: Jame Posted: 11th September

    I’m old enough now that I’ve been “emotionally beat up” a time or two more than I needed to realize that I just have no choice but to cut my teeth on those experiences, and learn how to “emotionally” or even “psychically” defend myself. As an empath, I can go straight into the nearest dark place simply from the shitty attitudes of strangers, but from family? Too tough.

    I STILL can get sent into a tailspin from an otherwise stellar health and self-care regimen after a bad experience with my mother. She can literally “inadvertently” give me the flu with a bad enough undermining. Recently I learned, she can STILL send me into periods where I abandon my self discipline and embark on what I consider “suidical-ish” behaviors like binging on bad food, overeating good food, abandoning my health and mental health and spiritual discipline for a brief period, trying to sleep more than I need to cope, and avoidance.

    And in spite of ALL OF THAT, I would accept far worse if I could be assured of the ROOT of her pain so that she can experience the mental and spirit healing I’ve been lucky to have found in my own path. So I go into any of these conflicts with my heart FIRST, vulnerable or not, thinking she will see once and for all my unflinching bravery and nerve in the face of abuse, and perhaps even shock herself into seeing that SHE is the unforgiveable source of it. Non-esoterically, I’ve flat out told her “there’s no shame in getting therapy, it’s really helped me in the past” which serves only to shut her up for an afternoon or less. So I’m WILLING to put even more of my own well-being in the line of fire if there were a good reason for it, if I saw that point of leverage to work my magic on her, but…. I’m just not seeing it anymore. I feel like… I am going to just turn into a brick wall any time I can see her triggers coming at me, and take the extremely hard route of not consoling people who hurt themselves and then try to use that self-hurt/self-pain to manipulate you. Sometimes the only loving choice someone leaves you is to leave them to feel the fire of their own self-hatred for a moment, or a whole day, or a week hopefully at most. Creating space for someone who is too emotionally and spiritually dumb too see what you’re giving them? Or to use it? I have no magic tricks left for this brittle old woman, older than her years with her own emotional garbage she refuses to even broach, let alone scrub clean.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 12th September

      Hi Jame,
      Some people really don’t want to do what it takes to get go forward. One of my biggest stick points was hoping that I could be the one to help my mother. It started really young when she made it clear that our relationship was up to me. Today I realize that when I stopped putting her first she finally had a chance to make changes in her life. Prior to that, she had no motivation to change because things were the way she wanted them.
      Thanks for sharing,
      Hugs, Darlene

  10. By: brokenchild Posted: 3rd September

    im experiencing the same thing until now with my mom..but mine’s more terrible.. she is a drug user. never even care about me ever since. had her second family, got 5 more kids. our life is really a nightmare. even now that i have my own family she’s still managing to break and pull me down over and over again. i dont know how to walk away from her, coz walking away from her means i’ll be walking away from my siblings too. they needed me. 🙁

  11. By: Shannon Posted: 31st August

    Yes, I found this site after googling “my mother doesn’t love me” and I felt like such a loser typing that sentence into the google search box. But after 45 years, I’ve finally accepted it. It’s like I have this great pain that I need to get out of my body and I’m not sure how to do it. Like I want to cut myself open from my pubic bone to my chest and just get it out. No, I am not suicidal (I am sorry for the graphic picture). Not even close. In fact, even though it is extremely painful, I feel strangely liberated and even empowered, too. To finally realize that she just DOESN’T love me. And I get to climb down off that treadmill and/or stage of approval that I was always on trying to convince her that I was lovable. I look forward to digging into this forum more deeply. I’ve never commented on nor belonged to one before (outside of Facebook). I felt like I needed a community of people who really understood. Thank you.

    • By: Michaela G Posted: 9th May

      I typed the same statement into the search bar and felt the same feeling as well. I’m only 19 and it’s hitting me so hard now that she doesn’t love me. I’ll be 20 in 4 days (on mother’s day) and I think that’s irony. A very important Milestone in my life and that’s why it’s hitting me so hard now. I haven’t talked to her since I was 13 and getting out of a mental hospital. It hurts. I feel like I’m living wrong because I don’t know how a young lady or a grown woman is supposed to act. I have no reference except for the plethora of girlfriends my dad has brought home over the years. I miss something I’ve never had.

      • By: GSena Posted: 13th July

        Michaela
        I’m very sorry about you and your mom. Just want to tell you that is not you and is her. You are worth of being love so much. I have a mom that loves herself so much and everyone else but me. I know how you feel. But I can find comfort knowing that is God who loves me and cares for me. A God that says: “Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord cares for me” and I believe it. It’s true!! And is I’m God that I found true value of whom I am and how much He loves me unconditionally with out reserves. And He loves you too. For Him you are His daughter, His precious treasure. The Apple of His eye. Hugs to you dear Michaela.

        • By: Cynthia Posted: 19th December

          Thank you so much for reminding me of that!
          I really needed this. Really.
          Love in Christ Jesus
          cynthia

    • By: Sarah Posted: 13th August

      Hi Shannon
      Your post really touched me.
      I’m 39, and in the same situation .
      People don’t understand how hard it is.
      I’m trying so hard to mend and move on.
      I’m angry that I’m having to try so hard to fix myself because my mum doesn’t love me.
      It just seems so strange, that in a world like ours, our mums are who we need to protect ourselves from
      I hope u are finding peace.
      🙂

  12. By: Peggy Posted: 22nd July

    As I read your story, I was thinking to myself, God I am not the only one feeling this way. My mother is a mean, nasty women. Who has never shown me love. I have told her I love her through out the years and she doesn’t say it back. She never hugs me. I feel I am incapable of loving, yet I am such a loving person. I crave it but don’t get it. Today, I was outside playing with the kids and my sister and my mom argued. As I can in to see what the problem was, my sister said I am not taking her shit anymore. I said what happened and my other sister said mommy was saying calling you ugly names and saying nasty things about you and Evelyn my sister who left. Stood up for you. I said why was mommy saying these things about me, she said I don’t know she came out of her room saying these things. I didn’t understand why I hadn’t done anything, I hadn’t even seen her yet. My mom comes out of her room and starts saying nasty things about my sister who left and defended me. I asked her why was she saying these things and she basically said in front of my other sister who witnessed it what did I say? My sister said the nasty things she said about me and she just said, I said that…I knew she did and it hurt like hell but she didn’t care that she said it or it hurt me. She didn’t say sorry to me for saying those ugly things. But she called my sister who defended me and ask for her forgiveness. Me nothing…because in my mothers eyes I am nothing…Thanks for letting me share

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 25th July

      Hi Peggy
      Welcome to EFB ~ you are certainly NOT alone! And she is wrong about you! Thanks for sharing.
      Hugs, Darlene

  13. By: Aly Posted: 15th July

    I was glad to find this article. I recently sold my home (after struggling for two years after leaving an abusive marriage) and have been living with my grandmother, who has dementia and is emotionally, verbally, and financially abusive. I am having difficulty finding a new place to live because I have two cats (they are comfort animals and I can’t mentally handle getting rid of them; they are also my family and were both abused by prior owners so there’s no way I would ever abandon them!) and I reached out to my mother for help. I asked if I could come and stay with her for a while because I was really having a difficult time mentally, and I mentioned that I was needing to seek additional mental healthcare because I had thought about committing suicide. I already have depression and live on the autism spectrum so living with my grandmother has pushed me to the very edge of my ability to handle things on my own. My mother’s house has always been a safe place for me. When I expressed what I was going through she said, “Oh…I just got new furniture and I don’t want cat hair on it, so no.” I tried to explain to her that it would only be for a few weeks and she continued to make additional excuses, like my brother and his wife coming to visit and there would be nowhere for them to stay. As if they can’t go to another family member’s home or stay in a hotel for the three days they will be in town, as opposed to me ending up in a pysch ward or ending up homeless. We had a huge fight and when I tried to talk to her about it later, she made it about her. I tried to tell her how much it hurt to have furniture matter more to her than I do. And she didn’t even care. She told me that she never said that and that I was being melodramatic and that I had hurt her, too…she never even apologized for hurting me.

    And I lost it. I hung up on her and of course she turned my family against me, telling them that I blamed her for the suicidal thoughts I was having, which I NEVER did and NEVER would. She even got my Dad (who has a TBI and PTSD, who is a total mental wreck) telling me that I need to quit upsetting my Mom and get it together. And she has my sisters up in arms with me.

    I’ve not spoken to her in days except to send a text message on her birthday. I have tried and tried to find ways to get over this because she’s my Mom. But every time I even think about calling her, I get a guttural sickness that makes me want to puke all over. And I consistently remember that she is always too busy for me. When I call her on the phone she always has to go because one of my sisters is about to call or she has to go see a grandkid’s baseball game (since only one of my nephews plays baseball, I highly doubt she’s going to baseball games EVERY DAY for three weeks). I’ve thought back and I remember that when I lived in the South she rarely ever called me. In fact, I think I only spoke to her when I would call her every once in a while. Not even during Hurricanes Katrina and Rita, which ripped my life out from under me. Not even when my fiance died.

    The fact is that she just doesn’t care about me. I don’t have kids so there’s no grandkids for her to want to be with. I don’t share the same religion so I won’t go to church with her (that has been a weekly battle with my grandma, too!). I don’t have anything she wants or needs so why connect with me on any level?

    Once I did get to talk to my Dad, he calmed down and is very understanding of my hurt and my situation. But that doesn’t change anything. I’m still the child my mother doesn’t love.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 17th July

      Hi Aly and Laura
      Welcome to EFB ~ sorry for the late response ~ there was a death in the family and I have not been able to keep up here but thank you for sharing and I am so glad you are here. I hope you will join the current discussions on the more recent posts by checking out the home button.
      Hugs, Darlene

  14. By: Erica Posted: 25th June

    Leslie, I would have done almost anything to make my mother love me.

  15. By: Tori Posted: 17th May

    My story: My mother, while I was living at home was not so bad, however she was never one to ever tell the truth without adding her own flare to it. I eventually accepted this as her personality. We were close, as my mother was a teen mom, she always claimed we grew up together. I often found myself filling the role of friend as a young child. I remember at age 12 her complaining to me about her sexual frustration with her most recent husband. She would tell me about how awful her own childhood was ( she was molested by an uncle) and she would frequently remind me that when she had me no one thought I would amount to much of anything since she was so young when she had me. She was never really a great role model when it came to self-value and men, we moved around a lot because she always needed to be with someone. She never really had a real job because she was always sick and was diagnosed with MS at a young age. She hasn’t had it easy to say the least. However I made the mistake of moving far away for college. In college we were okay, I called her often to talk about buy problems and stress related issues. She would listen to me but then she would also tell me frequently that I was grating on her and adding to her stress and it was making her sicker. So I tried to call and ask about her days as well, in my head I was trying to keep things even. I was perhaps a bit too needy and insecure and I was rather repetitive. But as I got older I matured. After I graduated college she helped me out financially to get me started and even helped me through an emotionally abusive relationship. I developed an eating disorder for two years over this relationship and came out to my mother about it. She sent me money to see a counsellor, but I eventually moved back home for a few months to help me recover. Only, my mother was different and not supportive at all. Every time the cat would throw up in the house she would look at me and literally say” the cat learned that trick from me” because I would binge/purge. It hurt. A lot. I made the decision to go to Graduate school to become a teacher. She mentioned once that she didn’t think I would make a good teacher. I doubt she remembers the comment but it has stuck with me. I went to Graduate school any ways despite her thoughts. We would still talk a few times a week. I started dating my now husband. She helped me learn to trust him. She would tell me that I need to stop panicking that guys will leave me or get bored with me, and she honestly helped me through those negative thoughts. She did come out to visit once. She insisted she had to stay with me so I shared my bed with her because I didn’t have much at that time. She did buy groceries once she realized that I didn’t have very much and I couldn’t afford air conditioning. She got very mad at me and threatened to leave early because I wouldn’t turn it on. I dreaded the bill because I Was barely making ends meet. WE got into a fight about how I don’t care about her and we both said some awful things. We made up though. I eventually graduated and moved in with my boyfriend. She would always promise to come out to visit me but never would. She would promise a care package but it would never arrive. She was getting more sick and forgetful. I would still call only to find out she was in the hospital and no one thought to tell me. This trend continued for a year or two. I got engaged to my boyfriend and all hell broke loose. She lives in California and I live in Maryland. I tried to include her in the wedding planning. She came out for a week to help me plan the wedding but I made a huge mistake that she still hold over my head. I went wedding dress shopping with a friend to try and figure out what cut I liked before my mom arrived so that we wouldn’t have to move around a lot since she has a service dog and tend to make a big show of it. (Which doesn’t bother me so much other than the fact that she tends to make a scene if people question the dogs presence). Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on your perspective, I was trying on a lot of dresses from the discount rack since I only had 4000 for the whole wedding,( which my step dad was very kind to send) I found a dress I adored for only $99. It was vintage looking and I felt great in it. I sent my mother pictures of the dresses I tried on and called her to ask if I should buy it because I liked it but didn’t want to disclude her. She said to get it. So I did. However she was not okay with it. When she came a few weeks later to help me with wedding planning, we didn’t do much other than talk about colors and ideas. She wasn’t into it and she continued to just say “it is whatever you want it is your wedding.” I have come to realize this was not her being supportive but put out. Come closer to the wedding she invited her best friend to my wedding (we don’t get along) and told her she too could stay at my apartment, my mother was already staying at our apartment. I put my foot down and told her no, she cannot just invite other people into my home. She was very upset by this. I also told her that I needed her to have her own hotel room for the night before our wedding. I was going to have my maid of honor stay over to make our bouquets ourselves. I did allow her to throw me a small engagement party the day before my wedding. However I was the one who had to pick up the pizza and supplies and clean the house for the party, but it made her happy. Or so I thought. I got my nails done with my future sisters in law and had the mothers and grandmothers go to a different spa (I thought it would be easier to not have so many people in one salon and I thought it would be a great opportunity for my mom and my husband’s mom to bond). However I was later told that she hates his mother and she felt poorly treated over the whole thing. The day of my wedding I was supposed to get my hair done with my mother, maid of honor and mother in law. My mother told me that morning that she wouldn’t go, with the excuse that she had to take care of my grandmother (who upon being asked if this was true said she didn’t need my mother at all) SO I went without her. I did my own make up