My Grandfather the Scary Drunken Pedophile

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child sexual abuseWhen I was a fairly young child, my mother told me that my grandfather (her mother’s husband) had been caught molesting my cousin. They told me that I should be careful of him. They told me that he had been caught with is hand up her little dress. And HE SAID that it was HER FAULT because she was sitting with her legs open.

That story makes me sick, as it should, but can you imagine how confusing that story would be for me as little girl? How was I supposed to process that information?

Especially when my parents didn’t stop taking me there.

I remember feeling uncomfortable hearing about it.  I remember the way my mother told me, like it was something really important that I needed to know. I knew that it was serious but I remember being unsure of what I was supposed to DO with that information.  I had the feeling that I should be scared of him but I still had to go to my grandparent’s home, be polite, do as I was told and all that other stuff. It was very confusing.  We are taught not to question such things.

I remember as a little girl as young as 4 or 5, sitting right beside him on the couch, snuggled right up to him in the crook of his arm, close enough to smell the booze on his breath and my mother sitting across the room watching like a Hawke. And I remember feeling GUILTY and not knowing why. I remember feeling scared of getting a spanking for sitting beside him but when he coaxed me over to him, I had no idea how the heck to avoid going to sit beside him. I had been taught that I had to respect and obey my elders. And although I had been told to stay away from him, no one rescued me, no one gave me a way to avoid him! My parents knew he was a drunk and a predator. They knew he had been caught and they believed he did it. Didn’t they think to stop taking me to visit there? Well obviously not.

They didn’t want to “rock the boat.” They didn’t want to “make waves” and stand up for what was RIGHT, not to mention that my Mother was afraid of the wrath of HER mother! I’m certain that they didn’t want to “hurt anyone’s feelings” by saying that it was not safe for their little girl to be in the presence of a pedophile. (I bet they never called him a pedophile; that would be much too accusatory and they couldn’t judge now could they, although I remember my mother calling him a “creepy dirty old man” many times throughout my life.)

So they protected someone else’s feelings, but they were not protecting me. This makes a statement even to a young kid. Their actions defined me as less valuable then my grandmother AND less valuable then my drunken creepy step grandfather the pedophile predator, too. My feelings (which were mostly confusion)  were never even addressed. This is a good illustration of generational dysfunctional mother daughter relationship!

The truth is that they could have found a way to value both ME and my Grandmother. My mother could have visited her mother without children in tow. She could have told her mother that she wasn’t going to allow my step grandfather (who was a drunk and had been caught child molesting) to have ANY access to her children.  She could have taken a stand against him for the sake of her children.  But she didn’t.

Even more confusing to me is that my mother hated her step father. She hated him, she told me about how afraid of him she always was, about his drunken temper; she hated and feared him but not enough to protect me from him in any other way except by watching me and warning me (and placing responsibility on ME to protect myself ).

As I got older my mother continued to tell me this story about my creepy grandfather, the dirty old man and the sexual trauma that my cousin suffered. He molested her! He sexually assaulted her!  I wonder how my cousin felt about all this? He made an excuse for himself and that was it? That was the end of it? Did they just accept his exuse? Did they just let it go? Nobody took any action??

My mother (thinks that she) justified taking me there by telling me that her and my father made a decision that one of them would keep their eye on me at all times when I was at my grandmothers and step grandfathers house.  This was told to me as though I should think her very smart and caring. Perhaps I was expected to be grateful?  She was really proud of herself for making that decision to keep their eyes on me when I was with my grandfather the Pedophile. She warned me and it seemed as though she assured me that she had it under control. But I didn’t feel assured. And I didn’t feel safe.

Why does her declaration of “watching me” make it alright? Didn’t they realize that he had started the child molesting “grooming process” right in front of them anyway?  He was gaining my trust. I was his favourite. I thought he was nice to me. (He was a child molester; a sexual predator, a sex offender!) He gave me salted peanuts and if my parents said no more peanuts, he would sneak them to me with a big wink.  (I guess they weren’t watching that closely after all and the fact that he could sneak me peanuts, communicated to me that he was not being watched and that he was not going to abide by my parents wishes either.)

But I liked the peanuts. We only had them at Christmas time at home. I always got to sit right beside him and I wanted the extra attention. Why did they allow that?  Why did they think that I was safe with that child molester because they were watching?

Did they think that since he has been caught once that he would never do that again? Did my mother think that her watchful eye was all that was necessary? I will never understand what she thought when I know now that he was just waiting for them to make one mistake; to leave me unattended just once, so that he could proceed.

When I was “in the fog” which means when I was not understanding exactly why some of the details about these situations were wrong, but having this “feeling” or suspicion that they were wrong, I could never put all these “facts” together and therefore I was never able to see the real truth.  It was in seeing this truth that I found my freedom from depressions, low self esteem and other struggles and was able to Emerge from Broken and take my life back.

Please share your thoughts. I look forward to hearing from you.

Exposing Truth; one snapshot at a time

Darlene Ouimet

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119 response to "My Grandfather the Scary Drunken Pedophile"

  1. By: junella Posted: 21st June

    My grand dad (sex)abused me and several people in are family my sister and many other people. I have two aunts is the daughter of the bad granddad. She thinks he was so great! I have told the other thatit happen but she already Knew about the insist. Cuz she caught granddad doing it to her daughter. Im 52 years old . I want to tell my aunt about it. I believe in my heart it happen to her also. Im a cry baby so is my one aunt. My aunt thinks I looked her up for money or some other reason I don’t know?. I did not. I don’t have any other family but my sister. My aunt is 92, I still think I need to tell her about it.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 22nd June

      Hi Junella,
      Welcome to EFB. I am sorry that happened to you. I know women who have been abused by their fathers and they think the father is great… it is a werid psychological thing. We can’t change anyones mind, we can only heal ourselves. In the end, for me, it never mattered what anyone else thought.
      Hugs, Darlene

  2. By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 3rd June

    Hi Karen,
    I remember your post about your son and the grandfather who abused him. Isn’t the “fog” a scary, baffling and dangerous thing?? That people cannot realize that abuse is wrong and against the law and destroys children and their lives and make the ignorant decision not to protect them. ? That YOU have ruined the family but standing up to it?? Such denial is insane.
    Just one thing about your last line; Your feelings about this SHOULD be as strong as they once were, because it was never resolved, and the abuser (and all the people that won’t see the truth) are still not accountable. That has nothing to do with your healing. It might be different if everyone rallied around for the health of your son, and the abuser was actually accountable, but that is not the case. If we forget the strong feelings we minimize the abuse itself. I would not compare my healing to the amount of feelings that I still have about abuse.
    Thank you for sharing,
    Hugs, Darlene

  3. By: karen Posted: 2nd June

    WOW. This was really interesting. I’ve mentioned before that my 24 yr. old son has a developmental disability, and was sexually abused until age 14 by his paternal grandfather. My husband eventually agreed not to allow any communication between my son and his grandfather. TO THIS DAY, my mother in law resents that I will not allow him access to my son. “I have ruined the family.” My brother in law & his wife go over with their 2 young girls to visit, and even allow them to babysit their girls! This makes me crazy, but I am not responsible for their decisions. I finally got my son to understand that ‘he’ is not the one being punished, but that ‘grandpa’ has some screwy thoughts going on in his head. Until he gets some help, and gets his thoughts right, he is not allowed to see my son. I am hoping that this has taken the responsiblilty and guilt about not seeing ‘grandpa’ away from my son. I often wonder if it will ever be over. Even when he is dead, I think probably not, because my feelings about this are still as strong as they once were. Guess I haven’t healed yet.

  4. By: Layla Posted: 2nd June

    Hi Darlene Thanks for youre comments. I am really seeing I can validate myself. I discussed this post with my counsellor today and it led to me having memories and flashbacks to the abuse. I recognised certain feelings in a clearer way – just how worthless dirty and ashamed I had felt- as I child I had felt responsible and to blame for the horrible feelings. In fact I can see the shame was my fathers. I was also let down my my mother as she did not validate the trauma I experienced and I had to suffer throughout my childhood.
    In amongst grieving the death of my mother I realise what I am grieving most is my own damaged childhood. I am struggling with fear and the flashbacks right now. However I feel hope from reading youre posts that I can recover and I feel that now that I have exposed those horrible feelings Ive suppressed that I can now learn to give myself the validation love and respect that I always always deserved
    Hugs

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 2nd June

      Wow Layla!
      What an awesome discovery you have made, that while grieving the death of your mother, you realized that you are are grieving most for your own damaged childhood. That is huge and marvellous too.
      Thank you so much for sharing!
      Hugs, Darlene

  5. By: joy Posted: 1st June

    Hi Darlene,

    I look forward to the new one.. always will be so glad to listen ..there is so much one can always learn..thank you both

    (warm hugs)

    joy

  6. By: Lynda ~ Out Of The cRaZy Closet Posted: 31st May

    Patricia said: “Darlene, the more stories that you tell about your childhood, the more intensely I dislike your parents.”

    Me, too.

    I just finished reading this post and the 80 comments that followed. I am… overwhelmed. So glad you all are HERE. So sad you all have been through so much hurt.

    Lynda

  7. By: Faith Posted: 31st May

    Dear Darlene and all who have contributed to this post. I find myself both horrifically saddened and enthusiastically overwhelmed at the same time…saddened by the abuse and the toll it takes yet overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and compassion shown here.

    At 47 years of age, having been abused by my natural father for a number of years, and having journeyed thus far and done all the work necessary through therapy and with the support of my closest and dearest friend, I feel so blessed to have found you. I feel so connected, and what a story I now need to write about my own uncle. I always wondered what happened to him and my father to make them do what they did, and I don’t get putting the blame on the alcohol when they were sober while committing the act.

    Now, I am getting ready to listen to the show. Good luck and God bless to all! <3

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 1st June

      Hi Faith,
      Welcome to emerging from broken!
      I totally understand your statements about being both saddened and happy to have found this community! It is both difficult and empowering at the same time!
      There is no excuse for taking advantage of a child, for abusing a child, or for any sort of unfair mistreatment of a defenceless child. Period. Glad to hear that you don’t put the blame on the alcohol!
      So glad that you are here. Looking forward to hearing more about your journey and victories!
      Hugs, Darlene

      Joy,
      Thank you for your compliments and encouragement. I am glad that you enjoyed the show. I am doing another one tomorrow with Susan Kingsley-Smith, and it will be a very different show then the one last night! I will send the details out later today!
      Hugs, Darlene

  8. By: Ultralite Posted: 31st May

    Wow, Darlene. . . once again I am so grateful for you and this place. I can’t begin to describe the pit of my despair — but your encouragement and the hope I receive from every one here. . . everyone’s thoughts and comments are very precious to me.

    I’m reminded of Hansel and Gretel . . . just don’t know if I can handle much more than crumbs. . .but since the path had led me here, I am grateful for each one.

  9. By: Jenny Posted: 31st May

    Darlene,

    When you write I feel like you and I are just having a chat about all of this stuff. You are amazing!!!

    So similar a situation…I was molested at maybe 2 or 3 by my old, dirty, drunken step granfather….I know the man you speak of. He molested probably hundreds of children…girls and boys….it’s an atrocity that no one ended the horror…they left it up to the powers that be….I remember wondering why I always felt naked in his presence…like he was looking right through my clothes…such a horrific and dirty feeling….I couldn’t stand to be in his presence and yet my stupid mother took me there over and over….I remember sitting across the room from him once and he was giving me that look and I stared right back…cursing him in my mind….I was praying he would die right there in front of us so, I could be free of him. I also remember standing up for myself and at 10 or 11 I declared to my mother that I wouldn’t go to that house anymore, that was it, she could go visit her sick mother, I didn’t want to go and she couldn’t make me. It is so sad when the people around us are so dysfunctional that it takes the child who can see through all of the bullshit to stop the madness….also, sad that the same child really never was a child at all, she had to be an adult when no one else was…so unfair.

    Thanks for being here.

  10. By: Kate Posted: 31st May

    Ultralite,
    I can imagine this. You help, you think, and they never stop taking advantage of you, at least from what I have observed. WOW. Something to really think about.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 31st May

      Hi Ultralite,
      I don’t mind anything that goes “off topic”; anything that reminds you of something else IS the topic.
      If your father has vascular dementia, you are not really standing up to your dad. You are standing up to his illness. And you saw all those drs. etc then you have some people who can stand up for you as having been a responsible party in dealing with this. Are you sure that your Dad is even behind it? If there is a prenup in place, this may be the only way that his wife see of getting any money.
      I encourage you in this. You have rights too!
      thank you for sharing!
      Hugs, Darlene

      Hi Jenny
      Yes, this is all the bull that we deal with as mere children and then we are questioned about our self esteem, etc. It is crazy!
      Thank you for sharing. I totally understand how you feel. I think way to much stuff is left up to the “powers that be” and no one wants to be accountable. Crazy!
      Thanks for being here and for sharing,
      Hugs, Darlene
      p.s. I feel like we are just having a chat too… when I write it I feel like I am just chatting to everyone… like saying “have you ever considered it this way??” LOL

  11. By: Kate Posted: 31st May

    Ultralite,
    Thank you for sharing this. I needed this one today!

  12. By: Ultralite Posted: 31st May

    Oh, Layla. . . I hear you. I have a cryptic note from my mother, written to me just before she died . . . and I cannot tell if it is a blessing or a curse.

    After spending nearly 10 years taking care of my parents (both my brothers lived thousands of miles away), I am now being subjected to a new form of abuse. When my mom was ill, I drove four hours from where I lived every Friday to their house to take care of things, and then drove back the other direction Sunday nights (or Monday mornings). I took time off work for their doctor and other appointments. I did all the stuff one associates with being the dutiful daughter . . . because they needed help, and I really do think I loved them both. When mom died my dad up and relocated on a whim (30 day escrow!!) My daughter and son-in-law helped him get settled in a new place (about 4 hours closer to my brothers who still pretty much ignored him). When dad’s former sheriff’s office partner contacted me, saying he thought my dad needed some help. . . I ended up packing up my stuff and relocating, finally moving in with him after he was diagnosed with vascular dementia). I helped him out, helped put his affairs in order (with the help of his former partner), tried to keep him as safe and independent as I could.

    This was not done for some great reward. I love my dad — however, our screwed up family dynamic has nailed me once again. My father remarried, after long discussions with his doctors, meetings with his wife-to-be, and her son, and having a prenup drawn up — I helped him move to her home (after they decided his home wasn’t going to cut it — too far from her kids and friends). I helped sell his house and put the proceeds in his family trust. After their wedding, it appeared all was well — and I accepted a job offer on the other side of the country. [this was a lady I had known all my life — her husband was my mother’s boss; growing up, I babysat her six kids; I always thought she was amazing].

    However, I have now been slapped with a charge of elder abuse and have had a judgment levied against me for three-quarters of a million dollars. With all the abuse I went through as a child, even now I find I can’t lift my hand (or voice) against my dad. I certainly would never raise my voice to his new wife — and I feel absolutely powerless to do anything about this. I’ve never abused my dad. I would never abuse my dad. He raised me not to lie, cheat, or steal
    . . . and these are the things I am being accused of. My heart and soul and spirit are so utterly (I can’t even think of a word that fits). . . despairing.

    I can’t talk to my dad on the phone — he thinks he’s talking to my mom — Before dad remarried, you would have thought my mom had become a saint. Now, on the rare occasion we have tried to talk — he starts to say things to her that burn me through and through. And if that is what he thinks about my mom — I can’t bear to think what he thinks about me.

    Perhaps it’s something to think I’ve got that kind of monetary value to my dad — but who can measure the injury to my heart and soul — I just feel abused all over again. . . and I’m having a hard time trying to keep my head above water.

    Sorry if this is off topic — but my head and my heart hurts.

  13. By: Kate Posted: 31st May

    ” I had many confusing conflicting emotions which I am still trying to resolve now I am in my fifties. My dad died a few years ago and my mother died 6 months ago and I am finding the grief unbearable . I am grieving the abuse and the fact it can never be fully resolved. Neither of my parents are alive now ‘to put it right’ and the fantasy that I could be rescued is over. I feel so sad for them that they recycled trauma. I struggle with guilt as my daughter has to process the facts that the grandparents she loved were also guilty of abuse. I have made it clear to her that I am always open to discussing any conflict or difficulties she has with this or anything else.”

    And this is where you are! I can only imagine how stuck in the middle it would feel to me, as I can relate. I hope that in your discussions with your daughter, that your feelings, as articulated above, are able to come out into the discussion as well as hers.

  14. By: Layla Posted: 31st May

    This post has triggered a lot of pain and conflict for me. I was molested a few times by my dad and tho I told my mother twice she did not feel able to leave him as she was too frightened. I tried to tell my story to GPS, friends, partners but was told to ‘put it behind me ‘ forgive and forget’. I then broke down in my 20s and was committed, labeled medicated. My memories of the abuse resurfaced when my daughter got to 6 yrs old, the age it started for me. I stopped my parents babysitting though my husband thought I was making a mountain out of a molehill. I became depressed again and he left me and a year after that I tried to charge my Dad as I thought it would be at least recorded in criminal records, in case he had abused anyone else.So in the end I had to take action on my own with little or no support and at times I was made to feel like I was a trouble maker and I was full of guilt. This was all complicated by the fact that I did love my mum and Dad as they had many good qualities and my Dad had also mellowed a lot and seemed to heal himself as he got older.Even after trying to charge him I was persuaded to have contact with them again as I felt my daughter should be able to see them and I did not want to deprive them of being grandparents. I had many confusing conflicting emotions which I am still trying to resolve now I am in my fifties.My dad died a few years ago and my mother died 6 months ago and I am finding the grief unbearable . I am grieving the abuse and the fact it can never be fully resolved. Neither of my parents are alive now ‘to put it right’ and the fantasy that I could be rescued is over. I feel so sad for them that they recycled trauma. I struggle with guilt as my daughter has to process the facts that the grandparents she loved were also guilty of abuse. I have made it clear to her that I am always open to discussing any conflict or difficulties she has with this or anything else. What I have experienced though is that most victims do not get justice or even support and are mainly encouraged to minimalise abuse and sweep it under the carper as its just to ‘nasty’ and ‘unpleasant’ to even talk about. Many people are too frightened of the consequences to get help or report abuse and healing and recovery is is not valued nearly enough or adequately resourced in society. The more people who open up the more enlightened as a society we will become .

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 31st May

      Layla,

      You bring up many important points in your comments. One of my biggest messages is that we need to get this stuff talked about, we need to bring it out in the open so that others will also bring it out in the open. So many of us felt like the only ones and kept the terrible secrets.

      One thing I want to address is that you said that since your parents died there is no hope to resolve the abuse. My parents are both still alive but refuse to engage about it. But that didn’t stop me from fully dealing and overcoming the destructive effects of abuse. Your parents cannot resolve this for you even if they were alive. (I grieve the fact that they will not discuss it or take the blame OR have a relationship with me unless I shut up but they cannot hold me back any longer. So many of us falsely believe that if this could be worked out with the abusers, then we will be okay, but it is another lie we believe. It is when we face the damage, and the truth of what it cost us and how we were not valued enough to be protected, heard etc… that is where the healing is. I thought that if my parents would finally validate me (and the abuse) that I would begin to heal, when in truth, it was when I validated me that everything began in my healing process.
      Hugs, Darlene

  15. By: Susan Kingsley-Smith Posted: 31st May

    Yes yes! A quick comment on what you said Darlene about the dreams and our mind trying to figure this mess out….this was for me also the daytime “busy brain” and the cause of the insomnia and inability to focus on or do just one thing, the triggers, flashbacks, emotional reactions, the acting out/in….(there are many labels that were tagged on me for these “symptoms” none of which were helpful). As you pointed out – it was in understanding this that helped me to make sense out of some really horrible and senseless things in my life. Understanding this was the door that stood before me, being willing to “work through” the anger became the key to open that door and then the grief became the key and door to my freedom where I began to see that I could live beyond it all and enjoy creating my new and “best” life beyond the survival mode that I had lived in for so long as I coped and managed. (sorry for the metaphor – thats just how this all works for me! :)) So yes! My busy brain was trying to figure it all out!

  16. By: Kate Posted: 31st May

    She would watch TV (I hated TV my whole life) and fall asleep in her chair, and maybe get up at midnight or later, after my dad was in bed asleep, and then go to bed, I think. She would be up early. There were some nights that I don’t think she ever went to bed. She just never slept well. But when she was depressed when she didn’t have support from my dad when I was a teen, she would hide in her room for a day or more. She kept track of the car mileage if I drove it. I hardly ever used it. She sat up until I came in from every date I had, which was almost exclusively with the same guy, and he was NOT a problem.

    After her heart operation recently, my dad and I made up the bed for her to come home and he blurts out, “We haven’t slept together in years, and DON’T ask me why…!” I said that I wasn’t and that I don’t think that she has felt well…well, that was the understatement, and then when I told her how confusing my high school experience was with dating a guy from my church whose family had a business in town and they lost everything and left the state, and I didn’t have anyone “supporting” me in that relationship, anyway, I mentioned that he had been sexually molested at age six and that is why he cried so much when we knew him, (in addition to losing his older brother in a family-business vehicle at age 13) so I was telling my mother about him being molested nad she never batted an eye, and just said that she understood that people just get over that kind of thing and go on…lovely

  17. By: joy Posted: 31st May

    wow Kate, your mom hardly slept in her bed? Where did she sleep?
    my cats really are therapeutic to.. me..

    joy

  18. By: Kate Posted: 31st May

    thanks Joy and Ultralite, I think I have some insight now into my mother, who never slept much in a bed, my whole life, wow,……….
    and funny that whenever we visited her parents’ place when I was a child, we spent our time playing with the barn cats…

  19. By: joy Posted: 31st May

    Ultralite

    Maybe that kittie is just what you need.. My kittie come up to me when I am crying and my p/t kitty is so smart he gets up and hugs me with his kitty paws and tries his hardest to keep me from crying.

    Sometimes i do things on computer if i cannot sleep but lately i have gotten to the sleeping a few hours as i do the practice my T gave me of thnking of a peaceful place..I love oceans lakes. ponds. .anything there may be ducks and fish ..lily pads. I think about that till I feel peaceful.. I picture it in my mind and then go to sleep..but sometimes ..many times, I should say . I fall into a nightmare sleeping and wake and am afraid from it. So i play nice music on youtube with pictures that give me peace..till i can sleep and if I cannot just play them so my mind lets go.. a while of the thoughts..

    That little kitty needs you ultralite i think ..he is on a journey to healng. just think together you are healing .. i am sure in his kitty way he is so grateful he ran into you .. I know he may never look pretty outside but he will feel like a million dollars inside if you give him love and care. ..kinda like us .. no? we just need a lot of love and care and healing.

    you really do have love in you .. you felt sorry for that poor kitty.

    joy

  20. By: Ultralite Posted: 31st May

    Thanks, Joy. . . it’s helpful not to feel so alone. I’ve slept on the floor. . . mostly slept on the couch . . . but in trying to reclaim my health recently, I have cleared off the bed the last couple of weeks. Took everything to town and laundered it all. Now I’m having trouble putting things back to together again.

    There was one night not long ago where I read until very late, did not turn on the TV, wrapped up on my side in my fuzzy blanket (with my nose sticking out). . . and turned off the light. No hot tea, no warm milk, no pills. . . woke up after sleeping about four hours straight like a “normal person.” Probably no big deal for most folks, but major for me.

    I haven’t had any pets because I don’t feel I can take care of them. However, after I read your note, I came in here to the computer, and outside the sliding door asleep on the deck there was this poor, discarded, bedraggled cat someone dumped out here in the country. I’ve some old, old cat food left over from another stray from another lifetime. . . This poor old thing. Its muzzle is all scratched up. There are fresh cuts on its neck. It looks like its missing part of its tail. It will never be a pretty kitty, and it makes me so sad…a fuzzy reflection of myself in many ways. . . and of course, I had to give it something to eat. . . and some clean water to drink.

    Maybe this heart is not totally stone. . . maybe this is a sign healing has begun.

    Thanks for your comments, Joy (and everyone). I am soooo grateful for everyone here.

  21. By: joy Posted: 31st May

    Ultralite

    am not same age but i wont sleep in the bed but sleep on the floor ss i have night mares and bad things happened to me in the bed.. and i know a bed would be more comfortable but it was not comfortable for me as a little girl.

    I always have to keep the kitchen light on and wrap myself up just like you though its hot like summer….alway sleep on my side as i am afraid i may not see if in anyone comes in..

    i have kitties with me but i live alone too.

    joy

  22. By: Ultralite Posted: 31st May

    Once again, Darlene, I am so overwhelmed by what I have read here. For years I felt nothing. . . and now my broken heart cries for the children here. I remember growing up in the tract homes in So California. . . one in particular required all the houses be painted white and only the trim could be painted an approved color. I once was invited inside one little girl’s house . . . so huge and splendid on the outside, the grass cut, the shrubs neatly tended — to find next to nothing inside. Emptiness. And as I got older, I wondered what other awfulness lurked behind those doors, and if it was as terrifying as what lay behind the door of the house I called home.

    Your account of your scary pedophile grandfather opened another closed off doorway in my mind and heart. I grew up with a terror of an uncle. . . abject terror. I would try and find a place to hide whenever he came to visit. Nothing could entice me to give the man a “welcome” hug. I would play outside until long past dark simply to avoid contact — however, I do not recall him ever doing anything.

    The night terrors. . . do they never end? I’m almost 60, and I will still sleep with a light on. I still cannot bear to have anything over my face. I’ll wrap up in my fuzzy blanket and stick my nose out, and I almost never sleep on my back. There’s no one here but me — guess I’ll never grow out of it. . .

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 31st May

      Hi Ultralite!
      You reminded me of something important; I also was able to feel the pain of others way before I really connected to my own pain. I could realize how much others were mistreated and abused, but I did not grant myself that same sympathy or understanding.

      The night terrors did end for me Ultralite. I have not had one in about 4 years now. They ended when I really understood where they came from. My mind/heart was constantly trying to work out what happened to me in an effort to overcome the depressions and the dreams were representing that “trying to figure it out. Reminders. telling me that the key was in the past. The key to freedom. And it was!
      Thank you for sharing!
      Darlene

  23. By: Annie O'Sullivan Posted: 30th May

    OH! I nearly forgot… I was recently told by my brother that I am ruining the family name !!! My father is nearly an innocent bystander!

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 31st May

      Hi Charlotte
      Good grief! I am so sorry that you went through all that. What a fog storm, and I am so glad that you are busting through all that FOG. I am so glad that YOU are here sharing all this! You have highlighted how even as adults it all continues. You are right on target!
      Thank you for sharing!
      Hugs, Darlene

      Hi Annie
      Readers ~ when Annie refers to her brother accusing her of ruining the family name ~ Annie wrote a couple of books… and I have read then. And I am telling you, her father was no innocent bystander! Her brother must be SOME BRAINWASHED. It is so crazy how all this just get normalized!
      If you would like to read Annie’s books, click this title to go to her website. “Can you hear me Now?” Annie writes from the perspective of a child who is being abused, and her writing really reveals the absolute insanity that surrounds abuse and dysfunction and how the child become so confused and filled with guilt and shame.
      Hugs, Darlene

      Can you hear me now?” Annie O’Sullivan

  24. By: Annie O'Sullivan Posted: 30th May

    Darlene, I am struck here, as I always am, at how adults around us justified their lack of action. They expected us to behave as knowledgeable and mature adults with what ever information they gave us! Sadly, my mother decided I was trying to steal her husband. As I got older she actually resented me! Today, she is remarried and still sees me as a threat. And I would like to comment to Vickie : i prefer the term CHILD MOLESTER” It just sounds so very earthly, descriptive and VILE! <3 Annie

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