May
06

Mothers Day is Hard When The Mother Shows No Love

By
470

Mothers Day can be a rough time for survivors of dysfunctional family relationships. The key to overcoming all the emotional baggage that comes up with the pain of mothers day has been to take a look at what that pain is where that pain originated.

We are told from a young age that our parents know best. We are told and convinced that they love us and are doing their best and that they always do what is best for us. We are taught that they are right. The problem is that when we are dismissed, devalued or discounted by these same parents we don’t know how to reconcile those two polar opposite teachings. On the one hand, we have been brainwashed (convinced) to believe that that there is nothing as beautiful as a mothers love. On the other hand we are hurt by the dismissal of our mothers. Our pain has been minimized; we have been told that we exaggerate, that we outright lie, that we are too sensitive, that we are crazy, that we are don’t remember what “really happened”.

These are deflection tactics motivated by the need to cover up the truth. Mothers will jump straight to saying that we are ungrateful. “After all I have done for you, this is how you treat me!”

My mother would say; “Oh Darlene, you think you are so hard done by!” I never once thought about what that meant, I just felt the burn of shame for being ‘that daughter’… the daughter that thought her own mother was selfish. That daughter that thought her own mother was unloving and shame on me, for not understanding how hard it had been for my poor mother. I felt guilty for feeling frustrated. After all, my mother went through a lot in her life. And the whole world teaches that there is nothing as strong and protective as a mothers love.

The whole world teaches that a mother does the best she can.

A loving mother does her very best.

So I had to take a look at what a loving mother is. What does love do? What does love look like?

Does love ignore? Does love dismiss? Does love turn a blind eye to a child’s fear or to a child’s feelings? Is a parent entitled to follow different rules when it comes to love?

Is it possible that just maybe not all mothers are ‘loving’? 

Since I was looking at the belief that Mothers always do the best they can, I had to take a look at what is ‘best’.

Why was it best for me that my mother didn’t hear me and that she didn’t want to hear me? Why was it best for me that she didn’t protect me? Why was it best for me that she didn’t want to treat me with mutual respect? Why was it best for me that my mother didn’t validate my needs or that she communicated to me that my needs were a burden to her? How could that have been her doing the ‘best’ that she could?

And I told myself that my mother didn’t know any better. I told myself that that is just how it was ‘in those days’ and that there wasn’t any good help in those days. But those excuses didn’t hold much weight as I grew older because they don’t make logical sense. Why would a loving mother not realize that her actions were HURTFUL? Isn’t it part of love to consider the one loved? Is it part of love to convince the one loved not to bring shame on the family by talking about our pain? Isn’t it a bit of a truth leak when we are groomed to keep those deep dark secrets? Doesn’t that actually prove that they DO know better? What is the real motive behind being told not to tell and not to expose the truth?

Mothers who validate the truth have to take action against abuse therefore we can see what their motive is for ignoring us. They don’t want to do anything about it. It is so much easier to cover it up, either to protect herself or to protect someone else. But the problem is the message that it gives to the person that was harmed in the first place! It communicates that the abuser is more important than the victim.

As I struggled to reconcile how my mother could do her best verses the truth about the way she actually regarded me, my self-esteem got lower. I was an adult and she was still ignoring me, telling me that the problem was me. She was still communicating that the problem was and always has been, me.

Their main objective is to make sure that they switch the focus from themselves back on to you. When my mother brought the focus back to me, my actual grievance was lost and ignored as I was forced to defend myself once again. Every time that my mom pointed her finger at me, I started to think about my actions and I had been so brainwashed to believe that I was ‘nothing special’ that I immediately felt ashamed of myself for trying to have my own feelings validated.

How does a child do that?

When I really thought about the way that my mother taught me love, it was always about her. She didn’t love me the way she asked me to love her. I was supposed to put her first. I was supposed to be understanding of HER difficulties. I was supposed to submit to her wishes and to agree that HER value was greater than mine.

I thought perhaps that I was the only daughter in the world that felt this way and that perhaps I was the only daughter whose mother couldn’t love her. I believed it must be something to do with me, because she told me it was me.

My Mother would jump straight to reminding me about that one time I did something or said something wrong in her eyes. They will drag up anything that they can to bring the focus back to you and take it off of them. One time on the day I was released from the hospital with my newborn baby my mother brought up a whole list of things I did when I was a teenager. I was sick and weak and she chose that time to bully me. How is that love? How is that best?

Is what I was asking for from my mother, wrong? Is asking to be loved and accepted for who I am, asking for too much? Is it unloving to feel sad or even angry that although I tried my hardest, and even though my mother said she loved me, her actions show a different truth? Does love hurt others? And if you are one of those people that will point a finger at me and say that I have hurt my mother by standing up to her I ask you this: Is it loving to accept abusive treatment? Or is it MORE loving to say no to abusive, dismissive and disrespectful treatment because accepting that treatment gives a type of permission to the abuser.

Am I a disrespectful daughter because I finally stood up for me and said no to being discounted? I don’t think so.

Am I an ungrateful daughter because I don’t worship the person that birthed me? Am I a bad daughter because I don’t want to accept all that disrespect and blame anymore? I don’t think so.

Does it make me a bad daughter because I said no to the never-ending pain caused by the untrue and unfair judgment from my mother and said yes to me? I don’t think so!

I don’t believe any of those lies anymore.

(P.S. This post can easily be applied to fathers and other relationship partners as well. There is only one definition of Love)

This mothers day I am celebrating the freedom and true love I have in my life today! I Celebrate the fact that in spite of the upbringing I had full of false teachings about love, I became the loving mother that I am to my 3 grown children and that I have a wonderful mutually respectful relationship with all of them.

Please share your thoughts and comments with us! 

Exposing Truth; One snapshot at a time

Darlene Ouimet

Are you aware my e-book “Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing”? If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, this 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to busting out of the fog and to healing.  Get yours here through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

For related articles please visit the Mother Daughter Category button here: Mother Daughter Category

Categories : Mother Daughter

116 Comments

1

This so resonates with me, every year I would struggle to play the role of dutiful . get my mother a card , usually a joke one as I couldn’t say she was the best mum in the world and wonder what I had done that made her not love me. Every year I felt guilty when I was thinking about going no contact with her because if I told the truth when people asked about what I’d gotten my mother I would have to explain the situation. Being made to feel a bad person when I had gone no contact, as society says we must respect our parents even if they have never respected you, drove me mad. It wasn’t a situation that I could resolve without my mother changing, something that will never happen, yet being blamed for the rift in our relationship. Nowadays I still get a twinge of guilt but it is quickly followed by the knowledge that respect is a two way street and if she can’t respect my boundaries and truth then I’d rather not have the drama she brings into my life.

2

Well written. This is the 2nd Mother’s Day of no contact for me. I’m feeling nothing at times, then feeling sad, a twinge of guilt….then I think of all the pain, shame, hurt, lies, ridicule, disrespect I have endured because Mother deserves respect, love, obedience

It’s Bullshit!

I deserve sanity, peace of mind, self esteem anc true love.
I will continue to do whatever it takes to heal, and be a woman, not a scared, messed up child always wanting mommy to be happy so I can be happy.

3

I reconciled the parents love you/ parents are doing their best/parents are right verses being ignored, devalued, criticized, put down, hit, scolded by using my child-logic to determine that if I’m supposed to be loved but my mother isn’t acting loving towards me then something must be wrong with me. That’s what I lived with all these years. I figured it had to be MY fault that I got different treatment than what a mother is universally known to give. Never did I question that maybe what she was doing was wrong and maybe there wasn’t really something wrong with me. But, these past few years I am finally questioning all these things and coming out of the fog. Darlene, thank you again for all that you do! I wish you a wonderful, Happy Mothers Day with your loved ones. And please know that you have given to so many of us on here the understanding and caring that a loving mother would have. Xoxoxo

4

My first attempt at going NC lasted 6 months. 1 year and 7 months later I said No More. That was last September.
I didn’t like buying cards. They were too sentimental and they said things that did not apply to my NM.
I also hated buying gifts. She never showed any appreciation for anything I bought her. I could even stand being in the same room as her or having to sit beside her. It made me very uncomfortable. I wish I could articulate my feelings and what happened to me as well as you Darlene. At the same time, it wouldn’t make a difference anyway. I know what I went thru and so does my husband and my kids. That should be enough for me but when it comes to people questioning my motives, especially during this Weekend of Mothers Day, I don’t know what do say to them. Anyway, I feel bad about it but I don’t feel bad for her. This Mothers Day I will celebrate myself as well. My dream as a child was to be a Wife and Mother. I have been blessed with being both. It hasn’t been an easy road but for 31 years, my husband and I have been by each other’s side, no matter what and we have raised 3 children who we love and support unconditionally. It wasn’t easy being the mother I wanted to be….I had no one to look up to. I made mistakes, I cried about it, and I kept trying. I never gave up and I always said “sorry” to my kids if I yelled or acted in a way that wasn’t motherly. I still make mistakes and I still mess up as a parent, but I admit it when it happens and I try to do better and be better. I am not perfect. I am just a mother who loves her children to the moon and back, no matter what and I hope they will carry that with them, throughout their lives.
Happy Mothers Day to you Darllene and to all the mothers out there. Celebrate you! You deserve it!

5

Carol …d ch…Amber… I see a similarity with the way we feel a bit of sadness , a twinge of guilt…and then we remember all the negative things that were said and done to us.

6

Hi Carol
I had to find a mushy card or my mother would be hurt. It was hard to find one that didn’t make feel like a hypocrite. And the way that people believe that no matter what we must side with our mothers… it’s so hard to break free of that false system. And like you say, relationship takes two, not just one but for some reason people don’t want to SEE that. I am not missing the drama!
I am so totally happy that the guilt for me is completely gone!
Hugs, and happy mothers day to you!
Darlene

7

Hi d ch
I love your list of what YOU deserve and your resolve to do whatever it takes to heal!!!
YAHOO
hugs, Darlene

8

Hi Amber
Thank you so much! I am beyond words to express my gratitude for your lavish beautiful compliment regarding the example that I try so hard to be!
I am filled with love for all of the people that have the courage to journey and share here with all of us.
Hugs and love, Darlene

9

Hi Nadia
I can totally relate to what you are sharing. I love what you are expressing about the mother that you are!
Happy Mothers Day! Hugs!!

And happy mothers day to EVERYONE reading, even the MEN! We have all had to play our own mother role in our own lives when we take on the path for healing!

Love and hugs, Darlene

10

Happy Mother’s Day, Darlene! I appreciated reading this.

Sometimes I inhabit my mom’s perspective and I have this sense that she does love me—very much as her baby girl; “you’ll always be my baby girl” she used to say. And this love is something quite fierce and the more I tried to separate the more I felt like she was going to eat me alive. So when I do go inside her perspective, I get it. I understand that this is very real. I’ve been in the unrequited love situation a few (too many) times, so I know from that angle. My perspective is this isn’t what your daughter is here for. To my parents, I think I am the object of their love but never really understood beyond that. They’d have moments where they seem to get it but then it would be gone again, never able to put themselves in my shoes and recognize the experiences I’ve had in any real way that made me feel like they loved and cared about me and my experience of the world I’ve lived in. Always returning to their pain. I look over the past and just think what a mess. All of it. And of course I was a part of it. But they were my parents. I do feel sorry for my mom. I feel sorry that she didn’t get the daughter, or the relationship with her daughter, that she wanted. She has hurt me tremendously and she doesn’t get it and I don’t think she ever will. We both pay the price but the injustice was to me, not to her or anyone else in the family, and that’s what none of them get (I mean between me and them; they have of course experienced injustices from other directions). I was the child. I feel like she just lives in another dimension and there is no effective mode of communication. I think I’ve gone passed anger and am at resignation—like, ok, we’re just different species living on different planets.

(in other news… yesterday I heard from the police about my sexual assault case. It’d been so long I thought it must have been dropped. But I’m meeting with the crown prosecutor next Friday, not sure exactly what that will mean but I imagine they must be thinking of pressing charges. I was really overwhelmed yesterday. I never reported thinking it would amount to something. Just to think that my words might mean something, might go somewhere, count for something, that a person can’t just behave however, do damage, and go on his way—it hit me pretty hard. Like here’s a system that might potentially work in my favour for my rights and the truth of my experience. It might not (plenty of bad stories out there, I know) but I don’t think I’ve experience this feeling of justice possibly being on my side, only commiseration for injustice. I felt relief, I guess, and then a lot of pain, too, for this whole situation, leaving family, moving somewhere new, having this stupid unpleasant situation and just holding onto it all, wanting to release it but it’s not so easy)

Anyway, hugs and happy mothers day to you and everyone!

11

This is my 4th year of virtually NC with my mother and I still haven’t decided what I am going to do on Mother’s Day. I can’t do the card thing either unless I give it to my own darn self because I did a pretty good job of mothering me this past year!!! My heart goes out to anyone who is in this situation. It is hard to know how to honor your mother for giving birth to you and honoring your self for surviving all those years of abuse that you had to endure at the hands of your own mother no less. It is a catch 22 but at the end of the day I am not intentionally trying to hurt my mother by not acknowledging this day so I believe the best option for me is to send my mother an email just plainly stating “Hope you are enjoying this day” and “call it a day” because I can’t stand the idea of my mother waiting around to see if I am going to acknowledge her or not because I know what that feels like when she did that to me and I don’t want to be like her. I want to break this sick cycle of abuse.

I am at a point in my recovery where I accept my mother for where she is at, as sick as that is!! I think everything that Darlene wrote about in her post is true. The only thing that I would add to the mix is how generational abuse doesn’t allow our mother’s to see what we see. You can’t see what you were never taught to begin with and my mother wasn’t taught how to love me in a healthy way. Her love is sick and I can either crucify her for it for the rest of my life for all the pain that she caused me, or I can show her the mercy that God shows me and move forward with my life in a more positive way knowing full well that I gave my mother a second chance at reconciliation, she just wasn’t willing to take it due to her own issues that keep on getting in the way, not because of anything that I am doing wrong, that is causing us to be virtually NC now and I am ok with that because now I finally gave up the dream that one day my mother would love me how I deserved to be loved. She just doesn’t know how to do it and she isn’t willing to learn and I suffered because of it. That’s the truth of it.

I know in my heart, if I would have had children of my own, I would have passed down these same sick warped belief systems right onto them as sure as I am sitting here because I know where I was at 3 ½ years ago prior to therapy and I know what it took for me to break through all of these sick mind sets. I believed them hook, line, and sinker and it took YEARS for me to tease these things apart in order to find the truth and my mother’s name was written all over them but you cant fix what you don’t see and I know that my mother didn’t see any of this junk just like I didn’t for the last 50 years.

I was in complete denial, just like where my mother is at right now, because that’s what generational abuse teaches you and because you surround your self with a bunch of people who believe the same garbage as you do, nothing ever changes until some outside force teaches you something different. She just never had that outside force until now, with me, but now she is 80 years old. I don’t even know if she has the mental capacity to do the kind of work necessary to overcome this junk because I know what it took out of me.

My belief in God and me being able to understand the sick dynamics behind generational abuse is my mother’s saving grace because otherwise I would have cut her off a long time ago. Having a support group like this along with a psychologist who knows what he is doing was mine. It changed my life. I will forever be thankful for all the people who supported me throughout my recovery process including all of you here on this website and of course for Darlene who had this vision of helping us all out by sharing her experiences with us so we too could begin to experience the same kind of freedom that she is.

Happy Mother’s day to you all. We all deserve it!! Hopefully next year won’t be such a challenge but I doubt it. This seems to be an ongoing dilemma!!! What daughter doesn’t want the love of her own mother???

Peace to you all,

Kris

12

Hi Alaina,

I feel your pain. My mother doesn’t get it either. What makes it hard for me is I know that there is no way for me to explain any of this to her. It just doesn’t work that way. If someone would have tried to tell me the things that I know now I would have told them that they were off their rocker!!! How I look at things now is night and day from where I came from. Another thing that makes it hard is I didn’t do to my mother what she did to me. It took me a long time to accept my mother and her limitations. I think what makes it hard is they know but they don’t know all at the same time. Denial plays a huge role in all of this. Technically my mother knew that what she did to me was wrong but she refused to allow herself to look at it this way.

I am glad you are making some headway with your assault case. Your words mean something whether or not they drop your case. You stood up for you how you needed to do it and that’s what really counts. I am proud of you. I am sure this has been weighing heavily on your mind. I am sorry that you got hurt.

Hugs,
Kris.

13

Switching the focus back on to you!! Yes! Darlene that popped out to me so much! For a long time I’ve thought why do I find conflict or disagreement difficult (as I’m sure many people with these kinds of families do). For a long time I thought I was uncomfortable with the other person’s aggression but that explanation didn’t quite fit.

Only recently I have realised that I’m not afraid of others’ anger but I find others’ victimisation of themselves distressing. I can argue with someone who is angry because their anger says to me that they are not afraid of me. What is hard is when you have a conflict and suddenly the other person “collapses”. One minute they’re spouting nasty things at you then as soon as you stand up for yourself they crumble and paint you as the abuser and they will act weak and hurt and depressed until you do something (usually something denigrating to yourself) to “make them happy again”.

They take advantage of our empathy and compassion. I think children are especially empathetic and compassionate so if mum says she’s devastated by your words/actions you do anything to make her feel better, not realising that it’s the adult’s responsibility to handle their own feelings, not the child’s job to jump through humiliating hoops to make mum/dad feel better.

It’s like when people threaten suicide if you don’t act or do like they want. The manipulation is the same: I will be unwell and it will be your fault and you will have to live with the guilt of ruining my life. As a kid you don’t have the reasoning or critical thinking skills to realise how wrong this is and the guilt and anxiety of this thought is so strong that you end up doing whatever they want, even if it has a negative effect on you.

I recently read someone describe one unhealthy dynamic as follows: “I won’t deal with my own issues/feelings. You do it for me. I am dependent on you. If you don’t, I will hurt you. So you are dependent on me.” but I think the version that doesn’t get as much attention is: “I wont deal with my own issues/feelings. You do it for me. I am dependent on you. If you don’t I will hurt myself (physically or emotionally) and it will be your fault and everyone will see how terrible you are. So you are dependent on me.”

Thanks Darlene for another thought-provoking post 🙂

14

Incredible insights and ways of helping me see. Thank you and Happy Mother Yourself Day to you Darlene.

15

Wow…sea and sky…that is so true. The unhealthy dynamic is spot on.
You articulate it so well. My NM has always played this game.
I have been NC for almost 8 months now and I won’t be surprised if I get blamed for all her sicknesses and problems from now on. I am not going to go back there. She has cried wolf too many times.

16

Alaina, good luck with your case.
Kris. I always tried to put myself in my mothers shoes and tried to forgive and forget and move on.
It’s like you said…the know what they are doing but they just can’t help themselves. I just can’t accept that anymore. I wish her well but I can’t stick around.

17

Fantastic piece Darlene! Every single word resonated with me. The questions you raise are very thought provoking, questions that no one dares to ask. And I absolutely love how you distinguish between a loving mother and a mother who isn’t loving. This is key, since everyone wrongfully assumes that just because someone gave birth to you, that we should love that person. Why give the parent love and kindness when we never got ANY of that from them in the first place. I printed out your entire writing and will refer to it often. Your writings are so powerful and so incredibly healing. Big hugs and kisses to you!

18

Mother’s Day consisted of me hearing who spent the most $ on a card.
Who forgot, then later, who sent a late card. Because I was “Good” and remembered. I thought she loved me…..I was wrong.

In March (1 year NC) this year, mother leaves me a voicemail complaining about phone calls to her looking to contact my stepdaughter. She gives me a command to tell my stepdaughter to stop having calls made…..ends the message with, “and that’s all I have to say.” No how are you?, nothing. I deleted it and did not call her.

Wow, after 1 year, and that was her contact.
Did I hope she would have asked how I was knowing she is aware of my surgery and radiation for breast cancer? Yes. Was I hoping I could call back and let her know? Yes.
It hurt a bit, and pissed me off too.

I did not take the bait, and she has not called again.
Ironically she called the day before I left for vacation…. Was she trying to ruin my mood for a good time? I think my sibling let her know I was going on vacation…. Not sure, but I think so.

19

Sea to Sky, I can really relate and appreciate what you’ve articulated. That’s also what I find the hardest. Anger has a triggering effect on me, so I can find it difficult and fearsome but logic and rationale is always there for me to combat what they say in anger because I know my position stands up to reason. When they play on emotions, it’s tough because they’re trying to take you to this place where the truth doesn’t matter and of course you’re lost if you get sucked into that.

Nadia and Kris, thanks for your support.
Kris, you’re right of course that my words mean something just for speaking out for myself but there’s something about living in a world where people can just do whatever they want and then decide afterwards whether or not they want to be accountable for their actions or a world that has an outside, corrective force that says, um, no, you actually can’t just do anything. So just the thought that they could press charges on this guy has profound effect. While it was happening, this guy kept calling me beautiful and saying, “it’s not your fault, it’s not your fault.” After it was over he was full of lame apologies and excuses and telling me he misread my body and alcohol made him a different person and acting all woe-begone like he couldn’t believe how he’d acted but the thing is he knew so much about my character, we’d had an entire conversation about narcissists right before it happened, how things start with families and I explained the whole brainwashing process, very specifically how different tactics worked on my brain, and he got it and understood it all just like I was talking to anyone here on this website and then used all that information to his advantage. And he knew how much I wanted to be recognized and loved and for my family to apologize for how they’d treated me. In the end of course, I can hold onto the fact that I picked myself up and said no, you can’t do this and took it to the police and that is, as you say, the most important thing to have said it for myself. But it does make a difference to have a world outside me that’s also prepared to back me up. Otherwise these people can just bounce around to their next prey.

20

Hi Alaina!
Although the details of my story are not exactly the same, I hear you on all counts. And I totally relate to feeling sorry for my mom; Sorry that she missed out on a relationship with ME and my lovely children. I am sorry also that she doesn’t get to LIVE in this glorious freedom I have found by finding the truth and validating myself with it. There is just no win for anyone in the dysfunctional system!
Wow about your sexual assault case! Keep me posted ~ I am with you in spirit! I have known that feeling of being validated by the people in authority and I too was shocked that they were totally on my side!
I am holding you in my thoughts!
hugs, Darlene

Hi Kris
Love your comments! Yes this is generational. I thought for YEARS before I started to write EFB about how I could break through that generational belief system with all of it’s thick walls of false belief.
Happy Mothers day to you too! I am happy to say that I barely give a thought to my mother anymore as far as the longing or the pain. ~ (yes even though this work is my full time job). I am free! I am so excited to spend the day with all of my grown children tomorrow!
Love and hugs!
Darlene

21

Hi Sea and Sky!
Love the last paragraph you shared! That is exactly what they are saying! What is the most crazy to me is that we can explain it that way and most of the world will stick up for the perp! They CAN’T hear it because if they do they have to look at the truth in their own lives. (about how they are doing relationship or how they are being treated the same dysfunctional way) And so many people are deathly afraid of “being hurt” not realizing we have been hurt most of our lives. AND we have survived it so what do we have to lose stepping away?? (I lost nothing but the fantasy)
Thanks for sharing,
hugs, Darlene

22

Hi Susan!
Great to hear from you! Yes exactly as you say; I was not actually taught to give love and kindness ~ not by the example that I was treated with. If a co-worker treated me the way my mother treated me, the world would put them in prison but because it is my mother… well they think parents get a pass?? How the heck does that even compute? How does it make sense?? It doesn’t. Finding the truth and speaking the truth is actually so logical! The truth about this makes sense!
Thanks for sharing,
hugs, Darlene

23

Thanks Darlene! 🙂

24

Hi Nadia,

I am sorry that your mother hurt you so badly and I respect your decision for going NC with her. I believe we all have the right to make that decision for ourselves and no one gets to choose HOW we do it except us. I view it as “What’s best for me and my family now”. I believe my FOO lost their right to have any say in my life the day they chose to abuse me, whether it was intentional or not.

Hugs,
Kris

Hi Darlene,

Thnx for your kind words.

My psychologist told me that once I discovered what was on that other side of that string that was still connected to my mother I finally would be willing to let go of it, and boy was he right!!! There was just more junk that I didn’t want and discovering that truth was so freeing because now I am no longer sacrificing my self worth and self esteem chasing after a dream that never was going to come true to begin with because my mother doesn’t know how to give me healthy love. Her love is sick. Painful realization but freeing none the less.

Hugs,
Kris

25

This is so good, but completely devastating to read. It forces me to face the fact that if my mother believes the lie that she is more valuable than me, which I see very clearly now is what has allowed her to justify her behavior towards me all these years, then there will never be an actual relationship between us. It will remain the artificial surface of pleasantness that I can only maintain because I try to keep my compassion for her alive, and my forgiveness active. What leaves me in despair tonight is the realization even more than before, that my other close relationships are following the same pattern, and I don’t know how to get out of this.

26

It is hardly disrespectful to speak the truth and ask for validation, to say that an action or words have hurt us, if it is stated in a respectful manner. The hardest part of trying to speak up for oneself is the reaction of reversing the blame, which is basically just changing the subject.

27

I’m not feeling very happy today. A lot going on. I feel as if I’m always the hero for everyone but who will be my hero. God is the only one who can possibly understand.

28

Yes, this is hard for me. I feel NOTHING for my Mom. I don’t hate her, but I don’t feel “love” for her. Constantly being told I was stupid, dumb, crazy, or idiotic because my “feelings” weren’t what SHE thought my feelings SHOULD be. I never felt what she wanted me to feel. She kept saying, “Oh, you will feel it some day…” That led to me faking most of my childhood. Split personality. My real one and the one I had to pretend to be. Sucked.

I don’t think my own mom has a sense of HER self. She told me that she was “told” how to feel by her mom. That connected the dots for me. She knows nothing else. My mom pretends everything. She fakes everything. I watched her fake everything and thought that was what people did. And she thinks she is being “real.” Nope, she is faking everything. And when I don’t “fake” the way she thinks I should, but she will never admit to faking, only that I’m “supposed” to feel whatever she thinks I’m supposed to feel for any given situation and if she thinks something is no big deal, I’m not supposed to think it’s a big deal (even if it is…..)

When I was in my 20’s, I went to a psychologist who, after a lot of sessions, said I was never given “validation.” It took me 30 years to realize the psychologist was right. Mom claims she gave me “validation.” I told her, “nope, you constantly called me stupid, dumb, crazy, and idiotic because my feelings weren’t what you thought they should be….” Again, denial.

Of course our parents love us. They “love” the person they want us to be, not the person we are……

29

They always try to ruin any event. I cannot remember a day where this woman didn’t ruin a day for me given an opportunity. And when she could she would call the night before and make it so I couldn’t sleep and ruined the next day.

30

Thank you Darlene for once again telling it like it is. Life is bitter sweet in so many ways. For me as time goes by and I have no contact with family, I feel good in knowing that I won’t have to deal with these people that made me feel bad and wrong a lot of the time. I will never know exactly why I got picked on and got rejected. I also will never know how they feel about what I have done to lessen my hurt by rejecting them. But in the end, I made it about me instead of all about them. I had to save the only person I am able to save: me.

31

Mothers Day this year was good. My daughters and I went walking on a trail nearby our home and it was amazing.

My son came home from work last night and gave me a hug and a kiss. Best gifts ever! My 3 children!

Hubby was very loving and kind. He didn’t mention my NM and I didn’t want to mention her either.

I felt nothing for her today. The string ( like Kris mentioned) has been broken and I am no longer connected to her or the rest of my family. Sad but very freeing. It gives me hope and a new look on my life.

I am 53 years old. I love my husband and my 3 kids unconditionally. I have a roof over my head. Food, clothing and good friends and wonderful in laws. I am abundantly blessed. I don’t know how much more time I am going to be here, but I want to make the best of every day I am given to be here with the people I love and cherish. Too much time has been wasted already on people and things I cannot change or fix.

Some days will not be easy, but I will get through them with grace and self respect. I hope. ?

32

A huge topic. Thank you for touching it, Darlene.
The fact I had abusive mother and grandmother who were my Nr. 1 abusers, is source of my pain, suffering, illness several times a week. Also, the “mothers” are the source of my unpossibility to finish my higher education, have a job, know who I am, have a partner, children, not be afraid of life, source of my traumatisation, source of repeated infections (anticipated action of her when I tried to escape from her for the good) etc.
If I had been saved from these “mothers” (adopted, helped by somebody..there were no men in my family), I would be ok today.
I am not sure, but I read once a book about children in the instituitional care and their deprivation vs children in abusive homes. Often, children who were kept at home suffered so much more on the whole from the “mothers”. It looks that no mother and some institutional care might be better that an abusive mother.
I can remember that as a 10-yeared old little girl, I had some awareness of the institutional care and wanted to call them to come to save me, to tell them I want to escape from mother and grandmother, but I did not truly know how to do it and I was afraid I´d have no time for reading books (which I did in order to live in my imaginative, safe, world).
I still sometimes blame myself for I did not call that time anywhere and did not save myself vs I am aware that as a child I was not capable to do that, and perhaps nobody would have believed me (as today, many health care professionals don´t).

What a different experience that the one I was taught “mothers try their best”, “mothers are saints”…
I don´t celebrate mother¨s day (perhaps because in my area it is not that common). However, I notice in different medias “celebrating” a lot. I feel forced and made guilty that I shall be a good daughter, thankful enough. I want to be strong to go with my truth of the abuse, I don´t want to be indulgent with abusive women who had a child in their care…I don´t want to celebrate these abusive women.

My mother-experience is truly the source of death-suffering-experiencing (just one phrase I can remember the grandmother yelled at me when I was already 20: I wish you you will never finish college etc and get no job unless in a cow house” )I was always very intelectual, talented in this area).
I was astonished, left for my room as always, but I felt “it was her true attitude towards me”…much later I found out that this behavior was so harmful in my child-time that my nervous system collapsed.

I hope so much that I could be free one day from “mother legacy”.

33

On the “Why would a loving mother not realize that her actions were HURTFUL?”…
I ponder a lot about this question, make excuses that “she did not know, or any better”. I also asked myself when I was in a relationship with a narcissist/borderline guy and after I figured out he was a pathological lier on the top, whether he lied and “knew about it” or whether the lies were just unconsciously coming out…when I confronted him he told me “he cannot control his lies, it just comes out of him”, basically he is a poor sick guy (which he was not). I no longer believe one lies “just so”, but it is a conscious act.
About the mothers, I have no evidence. My mother rejects all my confrontations, she refuses to tell me what it is going in her head, but intuitively, I feel that when a human being is hurting someone else, he or she knows. I can imagine that especially a woman, mother, the biological mother, knows 100x better. This is why she chooses the child, female, to abuse (the projection at her) in order to relieve her own pain and impose it on the child.
I am reading time to time some informations about borderline personality disorder. I found a book where the borderline and the psychologist work together and pinpoint what it is goind in the head of the person with the borderline p.disorder when they abuse their victimes. Most of the time, they know they are hurting, blaming, shaming, lying…. etc. Borderline is being told to be “innocent” emotional dysbalance disorder, while narcissists are more conscious. If people with disorders are moreover conscious about hurting others, then other people with no disorders are pretty capable to be conscious of hurting others, especially the child, especially a female girl.
I observe how women can be nasty towards each other -perhaps because they can feel better their emotions, they use easier the intuition and -they are more envious towards each other. Such a woman-mother has good toolbox to misuse.
I believe more and more that certain people /personality disorders cluster B especially/ have great “empathy” and intuition and use it towards their children. Women, mothers are even better at that.
This is why perhaps the mother´s misuse is the most difficult one and painful one /also because of the “mothers´saint-love teaching, spot on, hide at home with the child, nobody sees, nobody will ever doubt her care, she is out of suspicion.

I am more and more conviced that my mother/and sure my inteligent grandmother/ knew very well that they were hurting me. Today, mother tries to cover up. However, I have my memories, even from the time I was 1 year old-how she looks at me and ignores me crying, giving me the face of ” I hate you”, “What do you think I will come to calm you ???”, You -child of this man who I hate because he does not care for me”. She was pretty conscious.
I also remember how she pushed me physically from her when I was 5 and tried to embrace her and be compassionate for her(I found her crying, I got it -it was because of the father, the divorce was in the air). I can remember the emotional hate and rejection of her towards me. She was totaly conscious.
I check and collect evidence in how she behaved to other people, some friends etc. Mainly, she appeared kind, funny, and she was conscious vs the mother behind the door, the way how she treated me.
I can hardly imagine she forgot how she treated me (and many hundreds other situations). My mother has normal IQ, has a normal job, does not seem to have any traumatisation or sickness signs (and she never had it), she is not poor (at least I see it).
I still cannot believe that someone can do that, abuse child, own child and hide under the shield of the “saint-mother´s love”.

34

This was a strange mothers day for me. My Mom passed away in January. I saw her before she died, but we’d been NC for well over a year by then. I kept remembering that she said at least once that you don’t get to enjoy Mothers Day until your own mother is dead.

So I got a Skype call from one child, and text messages from the other 2. I enjoyed the flowers and candy I got from church.

It’s hard to share this kind of thing without sounding like I’m complaining or feeling sorry for myself, but I’m really NOT feeling sorry for myself. I actually had a great day!

I didn’t try to choose to have a great day or ignore the way I felt about anything that did or didn’t happen. I believe that facing the truth over the past few years brought me to a place in my own heart that was able to process the whole reality of the day, both good and bad, and live in it.

I believe that what I’ve learned from following this website has been a big part of getting to where I am now. I wanted to share that life really can get better even when it looks impossible. And that I am still able to recognize that being No Contact with my mother was necessary for those last couple of years of her life.

Hugs,
Hobie

35

I was raised by a mother who was a narcissist. Once I realized that, it was like a light bulb went off. You said “Why would a loving mother not realize that her actions were HURTFUL? For my mother, it DIDN’T MATTER. She never even thought about it. The only thing that was relevant was her – her feelings, her wants, her thoughts. I finally came to the realization that it is ok not to love my mother. I honored her as my mom, but that didn’t mean I had to take any of her thoughts and ideas into consideration. She died a year ago after a few years of dementia. My siblings and I made sure she was somewhere safe where she was cared for, and we visited her. This was honoring her. Figuring out she was a narcissist really set me free.

36

Hi Hobie
Excellent message in your comments! Thanks for sharing with us!
hugs, Darlene

Hi Karen S.
Welcome to Emerging from Broken ~ what helped me the most has been to see the damage that was caused to me by these careless people and healing that damage by overcoming the false beliefs I had about myself that were a result of that damage. That is what has truly set me free! My mother was in control of her actions ~ that was evident in how she covered up for herself and how she hid her actions from others.
Thanks for sharing what has worked for you!
hugs, Darlene

37

Hi, Darlene, I have been no contact with my narcissist mother, enabling father and only sibling (sister, with gifted child scars) since March 2014, so this was my 3rd Mother’s Day with no contact. Thankfully, I have turned Mother’s Day around, as I consider what a gift my children are to me. Therefore, I buy gifts for them!

I have a question for you. I have accepted that my family of origin will never have a place in my life, and I am comfortable with that. I have made my own, new, non-biological family and made new relationships that are healthy and strong. Still, I struggle with self-doubt, uncertainty, and depression. I am in talk therapy but I’m not sure my therapist gets how messed up I still feel inside: How easy it is for me to become angry and how I can’t seem to stop having negative and critical thoughts.

Can you advise me on what my next steps should be? I so want to feel “normal” now that I’ve shed my abusers.

Thank you, Sheryl

38

Hi Sheryl
Welcome to EFB ~ I can’t really give a quick answer to your question other than to say that I hope you will keep reading; There is so much insight here (and 450 articles all with discussions) about moving forward by seeing where we are stuck. My e-book may also be helpful and is available in the upper right side bar of this website.
Hugs, Darlene

39

Hi everyone,

Funny thing about my mother is that she doesn’t make a big deal about Mother’s Day except if my sister buys her a really expensive gift.

Andria #30 Your family was/is jealous of you just like mine. To me that excuse is just not good enough anymore (from anyone).

Sheryl #37, I struggle with myself everyday. I have been told my whole life what to say, how to feel and what to do. And now that I have the freedom to choose my own path I feel so much more lost(internally).

Love, Hope xx

40

Where Darlene wrote: “As I struggled to reconcile how my mother could do her best verses the truth about the way she actually regarded me, my self-esteem got lower”

This resonated with me, because having people tell you that your mother ‘did her best’ when her ‘best’ was abusive, devaluing and hurtful…only makes you feel worse, because the message is, you don’t deserve any better than the very least someone wants to give.

Who in their right mind wants a relationship like that? No one, that’s who.

Just because it’s your mother, it doesn’t mean you have to put up with that crap.

41

Darlene, many thanks again for a validating, thought provoking post. Like you, I’m past feeling any guilt at all about going NC with my parents and my hostile NPD brother. Early on in my recovery I read a quote which I think is from Marianne Williamson, “we are in emotional bondage as long as we need to worry that we might have to make a choice between being heard and being loved.” I was forced to make that choice for so many years, the one that got what passed for “love” especially from my mother, but left me feeling depressed, worthless, ashamed and guilty. Letting go of the hope that they might change & finally learn to love me properly (an impossibility, I know now) has been the healthiest thing I’ve ever done. I’m free.

Kris & Alaina…your posts always resonate so much with me, thank you for putting them out here. I so wish I could reach out to all of you here and giving you an understanding embrace, especially those of you just starting out on the journey.

Sheryl Miller, I’m also a therapist with about 20 years of experience & something I’ve learned (from my work and from being a therapy client myself) it’s that this kind of healing can take a very long time. When we suffer so many years of abuse, and the emotional abuse/brainwashing is perhaps the hardest to unpack, it can take many years to heal. The therapy relationship can also feel very scary, as it can make us feel very vulnerable, but it can also be the root of powerful healing. I feel like my therapist was the loving, accepting, encouraging mother I will never have. When I found a therapist I liked, I decided I was a paying a lot of money to come in each week and not be totally vulnerable. I had a real turning point when I decided just to be courageous and put my trust in her, which was a struggle just about every week but I did it anyway. If you’re not sure your therapist understands you, bring that up in therapy! Sometimes those honest sessions about the therapy are the most productive. Hang in there. Don’t give up, you’re worth it

Blessings to all of you.

42

Dear Darlene and everybody,

A very good article by Darlene for Mother’s Day! I don’t know where to begin but I can’t remember a time when I had any love whatsoever for my mother. My earliest memories since I was a little girl was fear, nothing but total fear. I can only recall being physically abused and hit, and verbally threatened by her. Looking back, I think that my father knew all about my mother’s “discipline” but he was the enabler who ignored it all. Later, I learned that my father was having an affair with another woman (more than one) when I was a child. So, this led to my mother being angrier and actually dumping more anger onto me. How nice! So when my father was supposedly working overtime and NMom knew the story, then I became the little girl who was physically battered more often because of my father’s affairs. When I got older and learned the truth, I just wanted to keep screaming and run around the block outdoors screaming! My father only cared about himself and his sexual needs and NOT what was going on with me. My mother was a total narcissist without my father, but the situation became worse. A very common reaction for children is erroneously believing somehow that they are “bad” and did something to deserve this treatment. I knew that my NMom was a nut and I felt like a prisoner who could tell no one.

What was even weirder in my home was the fact that my NMom enjoyed verbally abusing my father and being totally nasty toward him. I’m surprised that she didn’t beat the shit out of him? In his weird mind, that was considered normal or fine with him. Why? I used to view my father as some kind of a victim, too, like me but not anymore. My father was an atheist and skeptic, plus moody and grouchy. He was a very dour man. His free time on weeknights/weekends consisted for the most part of sitting in his recliner chair, with the side table next to his chair which always had a small dish of peanuts, a drink, and the paper TV guide, where he watched countless hours of television. My father had virtually zero interest in me. For the life of me, I cannot begin to understand what he saw in my NMom! She was VERY mean to him and please anyone here don’t suggest that she was somehow good sexually since my father had affairs!

Moreover, when I was a child I actually explored the house quite a bit when they were not home. I know this would be prying a bit, but my home was so chaotic I think that I was only trying to know more about these crazy people. I found a paperback book in the drawer of this side table by my father’s recliner. The book was “Dare to Discipline” by Dr.Dobson. I am NOT a Christian and have never read this book. Since I was curious, I read all the Amazon book reviews. I could not believe how consistently bad these reviews were by saying how this author was NOT a very Christian man and how he was teaching nothing more than violence toward children, or excuse me, old-fashioned “discipline”. You have got to be kidding, right? So my father read a how-to book on abusing children! I don’t know the name of the idiot (neighbor, coworker or person who gave him the book!)

Mind you, my father was an atheist/skeptic and believed in ZERO! My NMom was a confused Catholic who believed that “God was out to get you”. I have shared many times on this site that I was NOTHING like my parents. I attended the Catholic Church with my mom and got NOTHING out of it. Today, I would be labelled an Indigo Adult, a very bright, very psychic child, with the sense of not belonging on this planet. Growing up, I could never talk about the mediumship and seeing ghosts and spirits (not bad energies) and knowing psychic things…and I have even considered going PRO in a few more years when my personal life is more together. My real adult spiritual path is Celtic Pagan—Druids/Wicca and Spiritualist Church.

I know this article concerns mothers but I feel the worst part was the enabler behind the monster or Mom-monster! And the enabler was also a different kind of monster. I believe that these enablers are very easily controlled by their spouse, and also everyone around them such as coworkers, neighbors, and acquaintances. Basically it’s none of these strangers’ business. The question is why does the enabler allow him/herself to be used like a slave? I’ve found these enablers to be quite abusive in their own right, almost like an accomplice to the prime abuser.

Another thing with my parents was that my father gave up everything for my NMom. Whatever my NMom wanted she received. My NMom never worked and had a lifestyle what I call the “50 Year Vacation”. She had everything but she was still greedy and selfish. She manipulated my father into giving her total control over their finances. She took his paychecks and my father never knew how much salary he actually made! She paid all the household bills and expenses, and then gave my father, a grown man, an allowance of $5.00/month (1970s money) and later a whole %10.00/month (1980s money). His only treat was going out once a month to Burger King for a fast food meal! My father who was an adult was treated like a child! I can remember my NMom handing him this cash with the verbal warning of “Use this wisely!” OMG–looking back I saw how ridiculous that this scene was. This was my father and not my brother! Later, my NMom manipulated him into building a custom made luxury home, which turned into her having three of these luxury homes, one after another, so that she could move where she wanted. I could go on but you get the picture…

I NEVER had a real mother or father. My father had the power to divorce my NMOM but NO! I seriously question my father’s sanity and personality. What was wrong with my father? Today, I have NO LOVE for either parent! I hate the stupid cards and holidays, too. I hate the fact that I cannot always speak the truth in social settings about my own parents or I would offend someone? I know the raw pain of being abused twice for just trying to be yourself and you can’t!

Thanks for reading my long posts….and I really have no one to talk to. I am open to all comments here…

Blessed Be,

Yvonne

43

@Kristina:

I literally prayed in church that my parents would get a divorce. I envied those who had a big, happy, extended family with an aunt or uncle’s house where they could run away. I had nothing. My NMom’s trashy family was always living in our house basement. As soon as one of them moved out, they were replaced by another one, kind of like a revolving hotel door. (And my father spent lots of money on NMom’s trashy family but not me—his real daughter—go figure!)I was ashamed of Nmom’s family! There were excuses given whenever I had a playmate actually come over to my house regarding these strangers in the basement.

My only truly good relative died when I was 18 years old—my Cousin Dean—and he was actually my father’s first cousin. He was a former school teacher living on a teacher’s pension and disability alone in a large, mobile home. He became like the real father figure in my life. I sincerely wished that I could live with him but my NMOM would not let go of me. When he died, I had to secretly mourn my loss but I could not let on that my “real” father had died. I was mad at the world with, “Why, oh why did they have to take the only family member that I loved as a father-figure and why not my bio father?” I wish that Spirit could have switched them and bio father could have died.

I can’t tell you the number of times where I have lost potential girlfriends due to my NMom. These problems with NMom’s snooping and control extended into my young adult years. My NMom would do things like try to impersonate me so that she could get hold of my cell phone statement. She would call these few friends asking rude questions about me. A very good friend at the time and now I’ve lost contact with her actually called me being very upset and complaining about my mom. This friend nearly dumped me because she could not handle these NMom phone calls. This is a good example of the typical selfish Narc behavior and the attention is always about them.

I’m very sorry that for your issues. If this means anything to you, I have been greatly held back in my adult life with career, money issues, dating/marriage, and good friends. These Narcs are like human demons only seeking to destroy to you. But then they don’t want to actually kill or destroy you, but just continue tormenting you enough to feed their sickness.

My social life has been very hard. I moved a few years ago from my former city and lost all of my friends. I don’t make friends easily and most of my true friends come from my metaphysical groups. There are days when I would love to sell my small house and just move back. The reason that I can’t is because my NMom and NCousin live in the former city. I have peace and quiet in my house and I’m safe but it’s far too alone. I can entertain myself with books, crafts, computer and I go out to a couple of groups, plus job.

I am back to dating again since this recent past relationship did not work and that’s OK. I know that the whole world is not bad…and I’m not quitting the dating until I can have a great living together relationship with a good man. It seems like forever that I have been clearing and healing my past. I deserve good and I demand good and my life is not over yet! If I could say anything it’s that you are not alone here and you can keep improving your life. I know that I have. The best is yet to come!

Yvonne

44

Into the Light, Thank you for your remarks. I never thought of my relationship with my therapist that way. I know she is very good at what she does, and I will work on being completely vulnerable with her. Like you say, being vulnerable is new territory for the child of a narcissist. All the best to you!

45

Yvonne.

I understand about having no love for either of my parents. I did a lot of things for parents mine and my husband’s out of duty. My husband and I don’t have any extended family that we have relationships or much contact. I was just recently a part of a group of people where we shared quite a bit of personal stuff. I came out with the fact that I don’t talk to my father and sister anymore. No one was judging me about it. I felt good being able to say it out loud to a group of people. I also have had to act like someone I was not with family. It is not fun and is very tiring.

I hope you find a good man. I believe the best is yet to come. It takes a long time to do all the clearing and healing of oneself. Sometimes I think I am getting almost “finished” then something else comes up and I realize how far I still have to go. I wish you all the best.

46

Andria,

Thank you so much for your kind words. Sometimes I feel so alone like nobody in the whole world is like me with my issues. I know that there are ones like me, but it’s so good to hear from a real person. It seems as if we were all held back in life to a certain extent due to our past family issues. If I could have one wish it would be that every child on Earth is born or adopted into a good family. My second wish would be for the non-abused people to become more compassionate and understanding of us—and all disabled persons or any issues.

I can recall being bullied a few times when I was younger since the popular people called me “weird” and so on for being quiet, reserved, and seriously depressed. My generation (Gen-X) was hard because we did not have the internet/email/websites/youtube videos. I can’t believe that I survived so much. The younger people have an advantage since they can find good material and get the help that they need online. I wish that I could have predicted just how evil my mom was and how my father supported her. If If could start over again as a teenager, I would make different choices with college and career. I was afraid to listen to my heart to make better choices. But I was brainwashed by people saying that, “You’re mom can’t be that bad!” Yes, she was that bad and even worse. What I have learned from these narcs and sociopaths is NEVER trust these people! They have no empathy and no soul!

I am not giving up on meeting new friends and a romantic partner. Thanks for sharing. Blessings!

47

Yvonne,

I am very sorry for your experience.
I can relate a lot -I lived in fear of my mother in my childhood (and I still do, also as I must live with her now and all those fears come up -a good thing 🙂 ).
As you, I am not sure I love my mother. Perhaps I love “a mother”, but hardly this particularly mother. Looking so much forward to drop this mother (and her mother) out of my body and emotions.

I appreciate you say you feel lonely ! (I don´t have the courage to say it that well). I had been a home-based, lonely, mother-toy kid, and I read that narcissist, but also borderline mothers close their children, girls, in a loneliness prison: it shows up in adulthood especially, because one is as a child, but others are grown up…).

Thank you a lot for your encouragement and kindness !

If you are an empath, or even a psychic ( I don´t have much knowledge on that yet, but some people are more “PRO”) than chances are that you experienced the domestic abuse much deeper, the perception of it goes so deep into the cells, mind..perhaps because one is opened, the chacras are naturally opened.
On the other hand, you have the super-ability to heal yourself fully.
I am an empath, perhaps with some healer energies (narcissist LOVE it). I had been helped (and told about my PTDS) first by a psychic (EA Kerti).
I trust her more than the health care professionals (who actually damanged me more, so now I have no therapeut -and never actually had).
I wanted to say that you could eventually change lives of people if you´d be called to go PRO, if it is a good fit for you.

You are a lucky lady you live on your own ! A good thing !!!

I am sorry to hear about your father.
Thank you telling your story.
I thought that enabling fathers are still “ok” than any father (my situation) or an actively misusing father and mother.
Perhaps was your father somehow pressured, threatened by his wife (some women might threaten to ruin his career…not sure).
It is no excuse for him.
Some families might look “all right” from outside (mines generators were divorced, mother living/caring for her mother, playing a martyr of the divorce, but actually it did not look that “normal” because divorce was not common that time). It is very difficult for you to tell to somebody that it was not good for you.
I don´t know any story of those women personally who has a husband to nourish them (and enable them to be even worse monsters),but I feel in women this desire, or created character and I am scared of them (they usually picked me and I tried to threatened).

My mother and grandmother were always envy towards “women with paying men”.
Who knows, my grandmother was perhaps one of them (but her husband died: I guess she sucked out the life out of him….most men died in my family too soon, women – semetrics lived until 90).

So, you do have generational stuff to heal (empaths and psychics might have it). I have it.
I´d wish men knew well cooking and could have children alone, in order to step up and save children from abuse.

I would be sorry for such guys who marry those women (my sociopathic grandfather used to say ” were you drunken when you married her ?” -and he must have known, as he meticulously checked all his wifes if they are “good servants”.
On the other hand, I feel disrespt towards such men (as narcissistic wifes must do, this is why they abuse them more and more), because they have their own masculine power, but let themselves shut down as a little boy, paying for the woman -this is truly an abuse.
But, why do they let abuse their kids ?
I had only one granduncle, a good soul in my life (as you had the cousin), he was 65 when I was born and died when I was 15), married, no children, not much intelligent, but very very kind and loving.
It was a bliss to spend time with him (without him, I´d not make it today). But, he was in the power of his wife, also. Financially. He was not allowed to buy me little things (chocolat, anything). Quarrel always. He once wanted to divorce his wife (she was not that bad in comparison to the women I had in close family, but reserved towards me). She was the queen at home. He gave her all his money, and received the allowance from which he bought me chocolat and was yelled at for. I can remember his face expression in those moments, his fear, his “knowledge” (at least unconscious) how that woman abuses me (or him ?) by not allowing him to give me anything. However, nothing changed much, he was not strong enough to put his boundaries. But, he knew, he felt the unjustice done towards me (and against his will).
I never received anything from him (at least I thought), their entire heritage, money went to their adoptive son (son of my grandmother: thigns were complicated in the family), but mainly to his narcissist wife (my grandaunt adored her, or trusted her…but at the end of her life, she was left alone, sick, probably even partially hungry: perhaps she saw the truth, but did not change/or could have not any financial decisions which I am angry now: I´d need money (at least something) to help me from this f´ucking family.
I found out only 2 years ago by my complaining to mother that this granduncle left some little money for me on his dying bed (masculine will ?), but my mother never told me and practically had stolen it (because he gave the money to my mother: not very clever act).
I am very angry at this man today (although he was the only one good soul for me in the family and in fact, he did not abuse me), but he was an enabler in some way.

“If I could have one wish it would be that every child on Earth is born or adopted into a good family. My second wish would be for the non-abused people to become more compassionate and understanding of us—and all disabled persons or any issues.” – Agreed 🙂 !
(at least, I believe that there is no need that everybody has children, maybe not everybody is ment to (not those abusive mothers, they should stay away. My mother has in her astrological chart: no children !, I bet she never wanted to have children, but she wanted to have a carring man -that would have been healing for her. Not sure why I needed to be born in THAT family. There are people who cannot have children, want someone….). I found that 20 % of mothers are pathological mothers…not because they had been hurt themselves, but because they decide to pull their own hurt (nicely said) on others: and the child is so powerless and helpless.
I found a book (fusion mere-fille) in French who talks about it. Also some of their books on psychoanalysis talk about “maternal abuse”. Perhaps some books are translated into English. These authors say they don´t want to be silent anymore about what their clients report them and they don´t want to cover up the “myth of saint mothers” anymore. It seems to be a more global “anti-monsters- mothers” movement, but it took time, it is true. In this particular book, I still feel not well hearing that “some women make it to separate from their mothers, some don´t”…I think they don´t because it was so bad, the conditions are bad…there are so many factors. This is why hearing from Darlene that “I am not the weirdo, but I had been abused” is more helpful.

You know, the therapist I was in, made fun of me that I am that “old” and searched for help so late (in my 30´s) and blabla.
I tell myself also that I could have found some help sooner…I guess it is true, it is more on the internet, because there was no internet 15 years ago. However, to me, even the psychologist and health care professionals did not help, the opposite. Yes, the internet is the savior for me. However, it is not enough. I guess one needs a mirroring from a kind person that has the knowledge and holds the space for the healing.
I guess it can be because (someone told me) that “it was so bad that I found out late”…like bad in the experience, plus no support.
Truly looking forward when the power of the “super-saint-mothers” will be broken (the secrete, home abuse).

You will be truly blessed with new friends and a romantic partner. Keep going !

48

Kristina,

Thank you for your comments. You seem to understand where I’m coming from and few people actually do. I am very lucky to live alone in my home. My cousin will move into my Narc mom’s house in July since he will be officially retired after 20 years of military service. They are both Narcs and suit each other. Thankfully, I do not have to deal with the NMom monster in my house or even see her on a daily basis.

It is difficult trying to explain my past to others. I have found that there are few good people that I can trust. My BFF coworker girlfriend does not want to hear anything. Some people are just so selfish it’s unbelievable. There are days when I miss my friends from my previous city that I just want to cry. I don’t make friends easily and mainly I fit in with the metaphysical people. I promise myself that I will drive down more often to my former city in the future, when I have more money, gas money, and extras to visit. No, I can’t move back there since my house and job situation are here. The main reason that I can’t move back is wanting to escape from my NMom and NCousin.

I can relate to being hurt by past therapists. It’s ironic but the most hurtful part is being shamed by friends who don’t understand. They’re such stupid people who erroneously believe that anyone with a degree/title in psychology/social work is a kind of “god” in their own way! NO WAY! Once,I was at a lunch at a nice cafe with a couple of girlfriends, when I casually mentioned that I did not like the therapist I was seeing. Well, all Hell broke loose and we were all arguing in a public place about it! These two dummies accused me with, “You’re trying to be a therapist to the therapist!” WTF? Like I am NOT allowed to see clearly and form my own opinion? I agree with you that most of these therapists do more harm than good. The last one that I saw was after 2000 and this woman wanted to debate politics with me and 9/11? She was clueless about my family abuse, but she had a “textbook” degree.

I think that you already know that you are an empath and healer. I believe in past lives/reincarnation and my psychic abilities really come from the past lives as a healer/herbalist/European witch/Druid. I have strong ties to Norse and Celtic Paganism, and not only from my father’s family. There are just too many stories that I can share about my life with seeing ghosts and spirits. My only real talent in life is being a psychic medium. I learned to shut up at a young age due to fear and jealousy from others, including my father.

Once, my Druid friend (who died way too young and years ago) who was a gifted psychic, magician, and healer gave me a reading. He basically told me that the real reason that I was abused by my crazy mom was not because of any “punishment” or paying for any past transgressions. Apparently, I’m a very old soul and I chose to experience an evil mom and chaotic family to learn more compassion for others. It’s like I’m graduating from the Earth plane at the end of this life and not returning. I remember that famous psychic, Sylvia Browne, would say that the “last-lifer” people have lives like being on an emotional roller coaster ride. Yes, I know!

As far as healing any ancestor issues I know it’s possible. My Druid faith honors the earth, the ancestors, and spirit world. There are clearing rituals to heal past life karma and ancestors. Many years ago, I saw a metaphysical healer who did a soul retrieval session with me. There is a Native American belief (and other cultures, too) where you actually lose a soul piece of you due to rape or severe trauma.

See: “Soul Retrieval: Mending The Fragmented Self” by Sandra Ingerman

See: “The Witches Magical Handbook” by Gavin Frost
(CH.7—-The Witches Defragmented Soul—Tina and the Accident)

After the session, she brought back a soul piece of me when I was like ten years old, I promptly came down with a bad cold that week. I was trying to reintegrate myself back.

In the future, I want to study “Theta Healing” by Vianna Stibal and more alternative healing work. Vianna Stibal writes in her books how she had a hard time learning how to control her psychic talent when she was younger. I don’t know but I will return to my Spiritualist Church and take a few advanced classes. I have had ghost clearings in my past apartments and house, and have given psychic messages to friends. I remember once when I went to a New Age store for a lecture. The store had a back room with tables and stage for guest lectures, music, poetry reading…I arrived early and sat down at a table. There was an American Indian man sitting at a nearby table and we were all alone in the room. I remember how he looked me, and looked away, and then looked at me, and looked away, and did this for a third time. Finally, I looked at him and said, “Just say it please since there’s really no one here!” He told me that I had an unusually large spiritual aura and I’m what his people would call a “Spirit Walker”. I respect the Native Americans but I know almost nothing about their path and it was an interesting exchange.

Right now I’m what you would call financially challenged and a woman alone. I can live on a very tight budget but it’s hard. I am NOT giving up on meeting a good man relationship where we could be living together and sharing expenses for a long-term commitment. I am not even worried about that since I know that everything is in divine order and timing.

I think that my true calling in life is doing metaphysical work, plus my day job. When I have a new man in my life, we could talk about our future. Maybe I would not have to work at a regular job, with more time for psychic readings and learning more about alternative healing. I am not even worried about having enough clients since if it’s really my life path to go PRO then Spirit will guide me to this work.

The internet with youtube channels, EFB, and Amazon book reviews have literally saved my life. My healing has been self-healing and it’s amazing how far I have come. I got absolutely NOTHING from these traditional talk therapists. So, you’re not alone in this.

Blessed Be,

Yvonne

49

Yvonne,

you are welcome !
I love to hear it about the “last-lifers” !!
I started to think it, too. When I make it here and does not disappear as a coward, it can only be better (next time, whatever it might be). I don´t feel alone in it.
Thank you a lot for the links ! The soul retrieval must be a great help. I am thinking about it when I find a good-fit shaman. I have heard on a youtube video with Sandra Ingerman that many souls want a body (past decenies), this is why there are the overpopulation in the world. I did not watch to the end yet, but it gives me some thought of honoring this body-time (after all, I had made it to the body). Obviously it is not the life I would have liked, but…there must be a sense, a meaning of why all this suffering happens. I also heard from the psychic Erin Ashley Kerti that the soul decided before the birth what lessons to learn (or the Higher Self) and then, the soul chooses the family, the circumstances, gets a body and forgets.
It is not that one creates the problems, the family, caregivers do.
Perhaps the last-lifers have more chance to heal now, when there is the internet and the new information.
It is fascinating.

It is tough with the therapist. If someone is codependent (I am, I guess most of people from domestic abuse or just only PTDS are) and the therapist want to talk about her favourite topics, blabla, but you must pay the money, and are afraid to lose her eventually if you tell her “it is not ok this way”. I was afraid to tell this guy to stop abuse me emotionally because there are no therapist in my area. He is the “last chance”. I even did not know he was emotionally abusive that time. So glad, I run away. Late, but still.
Robert Burney has some similar story on his webpage how the therapeut supported his codenpendcy.

I guess that few can hold someone with bright mind and intuition as psychic people do. If there is PTDS, it is even difficult for non-psychic people.
I just wonder if there are any these psychic-people, with difficult karma (last-lifers, not because of “punishment”) who were abused and recovered. I am familiar only with one psychic, some shamans (perhaps I must do some more research), and they were not abused. This makes me little uncomfortable. Bigger task to do.
I have developped fear of abuse in therapy.
However, I hope to find someone to help, sooner or later.

Good look for starting your psychic-business,
blessings,
love

50

Funny,

I wanted to write “good luck”,
but it makes sense, also. 🙂

51

!!!! WOW !!!!

What serendipity that I happened upon this site and post.

It is EXACTLY my experience and feelings !

I am 60 and still trying to heal from my childhood emotional abuse.

First, I am going to print this post and read multiple times a day.
Then, I am going to get your book.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU !

Peace, Love and Blessings

52

Such great comments as I read through here! Though the circumstances can vary, the theme remains the same, it seems.

Frances, yes, I am 53 and still working through this issues as well.

d ch, Your mother sounds a lot like my own. Sweet how she tries to split her children with criticisms of the mother’s day card. Not on time, not expensive enough, etc. Wow!
I do believe she tried to upset you right before your vacation. Mine tried to upset me, and did upset me, on a very important day of my academic recognition. I was going to get fitted for my white coat, after completing nurse practitioner school. We have a ceremony in which we are presented with a white coat, a symbol of advancing in the profession. So, I had stopped at my parents house, between clinical and the trek to the university to get fitted. I check on them, as they are in their 80’s. My mother says to me, as I am making a cup of tea, “So, what was it that was wrong with you, in your 20’s, that you were under psychiatric care?” (my degree is in psychiatric nursing) I froze. I couldn’t believe it (though I could).
I replied, “I guess, if you were really concerned, you would have asked me, in my 20’s”. And I said, “you know what? I’m not going to do this with you today. I’m not going to allow you to upset me, on my special day”—the program was grueling, hellacious, at times, but it was a big accomplishment to persevere. I said, Good bye, I’m leaving, put my tea cup down, and left.
I cried driving to the school, as I know she was not asking a question, but trying to point out, how a nut like me, was not worthy to care for psychiatric patients. But when I got to school, I saw all of my friends who had also completed their studies, and they were happy to see me. I got many hugs that day, and smiles from folks really happy to see me! And I realized, that was my reality, and that was my true world. We had all worked together and overcome adversity, to reach our goal.
Through my studies, and psychotherapy, I understand that I will not change this system. And it sickens me, when I think about having to be around them. Because the system is so sick. It just feels “icky”.
d ch, I hope you are doing well with your health, and healing up after surgery. I hope your treatments are done, and that you are recovering!!!! xo

53

Hi Everyone!
It has been a crazy summer but I have good news ~ I finally published a new post. 🙂
I hope you will all visit the new article and share your voices with me!
My new post is called “Are you Exhausted from Trying to be Stronger than you Feel?”.
Looking forward to the discussion!!
Hugs, Darlene

54

Keep questioning and testing everything is what I do. I ask those same questions how can love be dismissal? How can talking to you like an idiot means your mother or both parents love you etc? There is no “mom did her very best” if she continuously chose to ignore, dismiss, abuse, use etc.

I hated in previous therapy with the 1st therapist who dismissed my feelings and said “you lived in a house with your parents so it couldn’t have been that bad,” yet she agreed everything they did was abusive like wtf?!?

“It is difficult trying to explain my past to others. I have found that there are few good people that I can trust. My BFF coworker girlfriend does not want to hear anything. Some people are just so selfish it’s unbelievable.”

Agreed. Lots of people didn’t want to hear it from me then i say don’t bother asking me too many people want to hear the white picket fence type of family stories. I have had people not wanting to talk to me because of family abuse as these people never went through that in their lives but I didn’t fit in with the 7th Heaven type of family life.

“I can relate to being hurt by past therapists. It’s ironic but the most hurtful part is being shamed by friends who don’t understand. They’re such stupid people who erroneously believe that anyone with a degree/title in psychology/social work is a kind of “god” in their own way! NO WAY! Once,I was at a lunch at a nice cafe with a couple of girlfriends, when I casually mentioned that I did not like the therapist I was seeing. Well, all Hell broke loose and we were all arguing in a public place about it! These two dummies accused me with, “You’re trying to be a therapist to the therapist!” WTF? Like I am NOT allowed to see clearly and form my own opinion? I agree with you that most of these therapists do more harm than good. The last one that I saw was after 2000 and this woman wanted to debate politics with me and 9/11? She was clueless about my family abuse, but she had a “textbook” degree.””

Agreed. First therapist was a complete little bitch, a little girl who lived in candyland! She just got out of grad school at that time when she became my therapist which I felt didn’t have any issue with that. Shit went downhill within 6 mos of seeing her. We argued and fought verbally she was really a textbook therapist I heard zero life experience relating to me. A book doesn’t relate to me at all I need to hear real life experience in order for me to be understood and have a real dialogue. Talking to her was like talking to a wall.

I don’t want a textbook therapist I want someone who can relate. My former 2nd therapist is awesome can relate to her than the first therapist. I have had people who were mad at me for questioning the therapist or shrink I am like so you are saying I can’t form my own opinions? I got told they have degrees so what?! They are not Gods! We really do put on a throne for having degrees and eat their words on everything. I don’t like traditional therapy I want action therapy.

“The internet with youtube channels, EFB, and Amazon book reviews have literally saved my life. My healing has been self-healing and it’s amazing how far I have come. I got absolutely NOTHING from these traditional talk therapists. So, you’re not alone in this.”

Right now, I am not seeing a therapist. A partner of mine got me interested in watching Teal Swan and Lisa Romano. I have been doing a study on Teal’s videos, it sounds difficult without ever having a role model to model how to take care of your own issues. I started attending a codependency support group and plan on going this Tuesday for my 2nd meeting.

So, I never had any love from my parents yet people fight me on that. It’s like because you are born to parents the love is there, then abuse shouldn’t exist if that is the case.

55

thank you for this article .. its comforting to know there are many other adult women with “missing mothers”. i am trying to resolve my feelings flowing on from emotional abandonment, every day can be a struggle with feelings of emptiness, loneliness, emotional pain, disconnection. I have tried various healing and therapy methods but nothing seems to minimise the emotional deprivation. I am looking forward to reading content on this site & Ive just purchased the EFB book! Wishing you all healing energy, self love, and emotional strength. love & light.

56

Hi Mary
Welcome to EFB and thanks for purchasing a copy of the ebook! I am really glad that you found us!!
hugs, Darlene

57

Hi Darlene – in just four sentences you have perfectly summed up my mother to a tee..

“Our pain has been minimized; we have been told that we exaggerate, that we outright lie, that we are too sensitive, that we are crazy, that we are don’t remember what “really happened”.

“These are deflection tactics motivated by the need to cover up the truth. Mothers will jump straight to saying that we are ungrateful. “After all I have done for you, this is how you treat me!”

I’m sorry that some of you have found traditional talking therapy a waste of time. I’m on my second round of psychodynamic therapy and I can’t rate my therapist highly enough. The first therapist who I saw in my early twenties was excellent too.

I just want to say a lite about so called spiritual healing. I’ve been at the other end of the healing spectrum too. In my early teens to around 30, I explored many different spiritual healing modalities. My ‘spiritual’ journey started at a very young age.

When I was 11, my mum had a near death experience. For years she had taken a cocktail of drugs to combat her depression and panic attacks and apparently a change in her medication had caused the NDE. Her NDE had done something to her – she had had a ‘spiritual’ experience and wanted to find others who had experienced the same. The voices in her head were bombarding her daily now. Fast forward a few months, she came off of her medication. She took interest in hands on healing and the spiritualist church.

She had a brief few years of seemingly being sane. She went back to college and got a job but was still hearing the voices and having visions.

A couple of years later years, Mum revealed to me that her psychiatrists had told her that she didn’t have bipolar or schizophrenia. Therefore, she concluded that the voices really were from spirit. She also had ‘visions’ although I know now that they were hallucinations.

I’ve had a lot of trauma in my life and I’ve spent thousands on soul retrieval, entity removal, past life therapy, EFT, sound therapy, aura healing, angel healing, crystal healing, reiki and many more different spiritual healing modalities claiming to clear the ancestoral roots of my chronic low self esteem etc. Like everyone else who’s had a traumatic upbringing, I was told I’m a powerful healer, I’ve got enormous angel wings, I have had this and that past life. I even went to Peru with a spiritual group and spent two weeks with an American author and an apparently renowned Peruvian shaman.

After all that, nothing has been more healing for me than psychodynamic therapy. There is no short cut healing for suffering years of chronic emotional abuse. Anyone claiming to be spiritual scares me as I associate them withbeing mentally ill. Like my mum, they came across as perfectly sane. I think they are delusional.

Mum has anosognosia and she shows all of the hallmarks of paranoid schizophrenia. I’m not saying that everyone who claims to be a spiritual healer is a paranoid schizophrenic but please use your logic and discernment as in all my experience these people have suffered with a break in their reality.

58

Karen Seeber,
Thank You, i am at that point you stated, i do not have to love her maybe respect her, but thats all. I learned to fight for ME! Yes, i am important very much. She never would admit her extreme physical abuse, so i told myself (with alot of crying) that i can live a happy life, i did not need her approval anymore, and i did seperate myself from her, with much needed ease of mind. If she did not want to take responsibility for her hateful, physical abuse then i did not have to be in her life. Yes, i tried to respect her in old age but thats where it ends. Distance is key!
Thank You, Darlene
Kelly

59

I’ve posted here before, but I thought I had repaired the relationship with my mother. Little did I know that she was acting sweet just to drop the other shoe when I visited her this Last Christmas.She apologized for the last time she attacked me. I will start by admitting that I did do her a wrong in that I bought my wedding dress with out her instead of waiting for her to go shopping with me. I called her and asked if it was okay to buy the dress and she did say it was okay. But i guess not.
The day after Christmas this year(2016) my mom said that we needed to talk, she had my step dad next to her so I knew the other shoe was about to drop. She started in on me about how I am ungrateful and never visit her (tickets cots 500 plus and its not like she has tried to visit me).
I stayed calm , like my therapist taught me, and let her run her words. She tried to accuse me of visiting my in-laws more (which is true since they are within driving distance, plus my husbands father died of cancer 6 months ago, so we were visiting them as often as we could)
I told her that my in laws are none of her business (she has told me she hates them and thinks they are awful people, I disagree). I told her that she is obviously angry about a lot of things and that she is allowed to be but I do not agree with her.
When all this didn’t get a reaction from me she began literally screaming that my friend that helped me find my dress owes her and that my mother gets to pick my friend’s daughters dress.
I again said that she is obviously angry, perhaps a bit too defensively, because she then began yelling that she hopes I can’t ever get pregnant because I am too selfish to be a mother. She then threatened me and told me I had to pay off all my student loans because her husband (my step father) had co-signed them. I argued that I had him taken off of them years ago (but it turns out I missed two out of the ten loans I had, the paper work to get him removed is now in the works) . Through all of this he is just sitting there , he did at least let his jaw drop at a few of her insults.
Now when this did not get a reaction from me she physically attacked me by grabbing my arm and shoulder and trying to literally throw me. She is not a strong woman thankfully and ended up falling. She then began kicking and screaming at anything with in reach and screamed for me”to get out you are not my daughter, get out” So I did. This is the point that I realize I HAVE to cut her out of my life for good. I am hurt and angry but I know my own worth and I did not deserve the treatment I received even if I have pulled away from her over the years. I’ve pulled away because she always makes digs at me and is passive aggressive with both my husband and me because I made the choice to move away from her t pursue my dreams.

60

Hi Tori,

Happy New Year! Wow. What a mother of a mother! I do not think you “did her a wrong” when you bought your wedding dress without her. Hey, you asked her specifically if it was okay. She said it was okay. If you are like most people, you cannot read her mind. If you ask someone a question like that one; you expect that the answer they give you is honest and forthright.

Your story is all too familiar to me. The characters and scenarios are different, but the treatments and false blaming is there clear as a cloudless day. Maybe she will want to apologize again. Then she can go on being abusive because she “said she was sorry”. Good for you for not reacting to her hurtful diatribe! She could not take the “no reaction” from you and then had to get physical.

I wish you much healing in 2017. Your mother is to blame for you pulling away from her. If she was a nice mother you would not have to pull away. My husband and I have this passive aggressive stuff going on with people in both of our families. I have been no contact with my FOO for a while. The only family member on my husband’s side is his sister. I have been low contact for years. I finally have gone NC this year. It felt great not to see and “socialize” with my sister-in-law at Christmas.

This will not be easy, and be gentle with yourself. You are taking good care of you. What a wonderful way to start out 2017!

61

Hi Darlene and everyone here,

Happy New Year for 2017 with lots of healing for us all.

I am still LC with my FOO and am learning to find myself day by day.
Slow and steady wins the race, I am not giving up on me this time.
Cheers,
Hope(that is not my real name)
xx

62

got nasty emails from my brother because NM cried to him about me not going to her house for Christmas, and not wanting gifts.
After NC since March 2015, Mother and I have started talking Nov. 2016

I told her I wanted to take things slow as far as visiting, that we could talk on the phone, and see how it goes.
I told my brother to stop accusing and judging me. He persists in finding me the bad person. I ruined her Christmas and am always disrespectful.

I messaged NM on Facebook today. (Have not heard from her since I told her I was staying home for Christmas.)
This is my message to her.

Happy New Year I hope your anger hurt and disappointment in my choices for Christmas will not last long. Brother texted me about how wrong Ive been. Im sure he told you what I had to say. I told him not to text me anymore with accusations and criticism.
We all make choices that others dont like or agree with. I hope we can talk soon. Im praying you will understand my need to take time regarding us seeing each other. Call me when you want to talk.
God Bless You and Stepfather

I don’t know what the hell to do. She continues to involve my brother when she wants to bitch about me.

I thought we could work on having a new better relationship…..I don’t know if that will ever happen.

63

Hope-

Happy New Year! Best of luck with everything pertaining to your FOO. Good for you for not giving up on yourself!

d ch-

It is hard to have a better relationship when the family wants to gang up on you! It is always about them and how they feel. I know my family has no empathy for me. It sounds like you may have the same situation. Your FB message sounded very open and caring. I tried the open and caring approach. It did not work for me. I hope it works for you. Best wishes for 2017!

64

Andria, Thanks so much. I need to not expect too much in the way of changes in their behavior. I am not going to do or say what NM wants in order to keep her happy.

I have to stick to my resolve not to be the good obedient 55 year old child in order to keep the peace, and not have anyone upset with me.

65

d ch,

Yeah, you are right not to expect too much in the way of changes in behavior. Bully for you in sticking to your resolve in doing what is good for you. I am a 58 year old child that said I have had enough! I explained it all to my father in simple terms, but he will never understand. However, that is not my problem. I can only explain it to him. I cannot UNDERSTAND IT for him.

66

Andria,

Happy New Year to you too!
How is your healing going?

67

Hi Hope,

Thanks for asking about my healing. I think it is going pretty good, but it always feels too slow. But I believe to take the time it takes so it takes less time. What I have been struggling with over the holidays are a couple of friends who don’t understand why I did what I did. One friend has known me for 20 years. I used to work with his wife. His wife is supportive of me and does not question me about my NC anymore. Both of them had spent time with my father (who lived with us for 5 years), and my sister-in-law who moved close to us so we could help her care for my father-in-law. My husband and I had many parties where our friends socialized with my father and my sister-in-law. I tell my friend that these two people have excellent manners and know how to be nice in a social situation. I tell him that he only knows the surface personality and actions of these family members. Hey, I used to think my dad was a nice guy too!

I have a new friend of about one year. She is my yoga teacher. She comes from a large family and cannot fathom not talking to your father, sister, or sister-in-law. She says she never heard of such a thing. I told her that perhaps I am the first person she has ever know to go NC with family, but there are millions of people worldwide that have done the same as myself. I just try to address her questions as they come up. If she cannot ever understand my situation that is okay. I am still myself and not just a person who is NC with family.

68

What can I say when I realized mother didn’t want me, I was quite young really.
Mother just didn’t like me. I finally came to except it after a mental break down, lots of medication. Thank God there were great caring counselors that have helped and are still helping me. Mother died about a year ago I didn’t go to the funeral why should I mourn I had lost my mother a long time ago.
I am glad she is dead I don’t have to lie about missing her because I dont really.
I learned what a mother is not and used that to be the mother I am.

69

Hi Andria,

I love your attitude, I am starting to think like that too. I have the same struggles with people not understanding me not wanting to see any of my family or old friends, but I really don’t care anymore. They aren’t the ones being treated badly by them, I am. Of course they aren’t going to understand, especially if they have loving families. I have no kids and people just look at me and say “well you look normal, what went wrong?” I just don’t answer stupid personal questions anymore. It’s just none of anyone’s biz!!!
Good for you, NC does NOT define you as a person…you do!

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Hope-

Thank you for the complement. Yes, you are right that it is none of anyone’s business. I have included friends in telling my story to them. I want them to know me, but if they cannot understand me or why I have no contact it is not my problem. I can’t PROVE to anyone that I was treated badly and that I will not take it anymore. They can’t see it from my perspective, and they don’t need to. I will probably tell the one friend please don’t bring it up anymore because I really don’t want to talk about it. I have made my peace with my decision and that is all they need to really know,

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Andria,

Fantastic! Yes, the final decision is yours.

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Joyce:

I never had a real mother, either. I don’t understand the concept of “mother” like someone who is caring and kind and safe to talk to. I spent so much of my youth just trying to survive that I viewed my NMom like a foster parent and not my “real” parent. I can’t remember how long it actually took me to reach the point where I felt no love for my mother. When I view photos of me as a little girl I try to recall when did it all go so wrong? Was I a five, eight, or ten year old? I know that there was so much fear of her that I began to build a wall around myself and then there was no love. My earliest memories of her was when I was a three/four? year old and being physically beaten. I think I still felt “love” or loyalty toward her when I was in kindergarten and first grade but that’s it. I was very bright and I soon realized that she enjoyed hitting and screaming and carrying on. I realized that she felt no normal emotion and enjoyed abusing me on “purpose” like my kindergarten teacher said.

It’s very normal to wish that your abuser would die or just take off some where. In my adult life, I have zero regard for this woman, like nothing. I truly don’t understand these adult abuse victims who say that underneath it all that they love or have any regard toward their narc parent. These abuse victims have not dealt with their own stuff. It would be healthy if they could see out of this fog. I don’t know about you but I have have also been verbally abused by therapists who have reprimanded me by saying what I really fear is that my narc parents never loved me! HUH? You’re kidding right? Trust me, at my age I am not seeking my parent’s love. I was never seeking my narc parent’s love, only wanting to heal my bad memories and get the heck away from them!

My father died a couple of years ago. Mainly when he died it was like a shock to me but there was no love. I have had more regard for former coworkers and friends who moved or died. Like you, I had to pretend that my father and I had a close father/daughter relationship, but not! It was a total joyous relief when he finally died. I felt so free, like there was one parent gone and only one more to go. The hard part were all the bad memories that came up around my father. It was really hard to remember anything good about him.

The day when my NMom dies will be a happy day for me! I plan to celebrate in my own private way like an “un-birthday” for me. At the very least, I will buy an ice cream cone at the mall and maybe see a children’s movie in honor of the childhood I never had. I will shout for joy with the knowing that I’m free, I’m finally free!

Have the happiest new year.

Yvonne

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Hope and Andria,

I’m with you in the same situation with friends and coworkers. I don’t call myself a 48 year old child, but I feel that I’m an adult who never had a childhood but was always an adult. Many people say that I need to relax more and not be so quiet and serious but that’s who I am. It’s always criticism! I think we’re all in the same boat. The so-called normal people don’t even begin to understand us. I have been shamed by these “normal” people wanting to know why I did not drive down to this other town to visit my elderly mom for Christmas. The reason is I just can’t! It’s never safe and the minute I would open the door to visit her the fighting begins. I have extremely low-contact and not no-contact. I sincerely wish that I could have moved far away to another state when I was younger. Back then, there was no internet and I erroneously listened to others saying, “She can’t be that bad can she?” Yes, she can be that bad and much, much worse than your worst nightmares!

Hope: I have no kids and I am single and get verbally harassed all the time for not having kids. How come if I seem friendly and not bad looking that I’m still single? It’s none of their business but these “normal” or non-abused people cannot shut up for one minute! What is their problem? I know that the ones who like to harass single adults are married with kids are really not that happily married and would give anything to start their lives over. Maybe they are into a terrible marriage with monster kids, but who cares? I think we are both the same, kind of honest and sincere, and wanting to confide our stories with a good friend. Yes, I have shared my life story with a few good friends in the past, but they were also child abuse victims like me and older.

I have one good coworker girlfriend and I’m wanting to leave this friendship. Can you believe that we have spent a lot of time together going to new store and restaurant grand openings? Her hobby is budget shopping and finding these contests. Just hit “Like” on facebook for any new store or food! There is much new development in our town with lots of new stores and houses being built. Basically, you arrive before 8AM with a folding chair and sit down until they open and win a gift card for like ten free pizzas and the like. We actually went three times for the grand opening First 100 of Chick-Fil-A restaurants where you camp overnight for 24 hours in the parking lot. The prize is a gift card for free meals for a year and a tee-shirt. The sad part is that this “friend” still does not know anything about my childhood and could not care less. She is selfish and likes to brag about her adult daughters (who are not that successful) and gossip about movie stars. I can see now why she does not have friends but mainly a few acquaintances.

Then there have been a couple of past friends that I lost in my adult life because they were afraid of my mom. My NMom actually impersonated me and got hold of my cell phone numbers—typical narc behavior always wanting to control and be nasty and snoopy. This horrible NMom called my friend trying to impersonate me and it was just weird!

I have big hopes for this new year. This is the year that I will sell my house and move back to my former city. I have been unhappy now for several years and this town’s social life is not for me. There have been moments where all I think about are visiting my former friends. Most of my true blue friends come from my spiritual groups and it’s a very different town and type of energy here. I’m doing the right thing. My father died and I believe that my crazy NMom will end up in a nursing care home soon (84 years old).

My horrible NCousin took a job in Saudi Arabia since he retired after 20 years of military service. He could not find a high paid job anywhere but he almost got hired for a good job, but they told him that he needed at least two years of college—and community college could fulfill that. He is now going through his second divorce (both wives dumped him—LOL!) and owes money to these wives and kids. He will return in October 2017, so I got rid of him for awhile. I know that my elderly mom will die soon and when I return home to my former city it will be very different for me. It’s so nice to finally feel safe and free from the bad people who hurt me. I moved here to the big city just to get away from family and it was the best thing to do at the time. I am so happy to have a new life and move back home.

Have the very best new year!

Blessed Be,

Yvonne

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Yvonne,

I love your “Un-Birthday” idea!!!

Yes I am the same as you, I feel absolutely no love for my NM. If our mothers weren’t that bad then how come we have so many emotional, psychological, personal problems and traumatic memories? I say to people that don’t believe me: “Then why would I NOT want to spend Christmas, NY and any other time with her (or my FOO)?” I also say: “If I had a loving & happy family I would know it and feel it.”

About selfish people, I just don’t hang out with them anymore (or at least try to avoid them at all cost). Family, relatives, friends and acquaintances are all out. I made room for new ones.

Yep, about the child thing, only miserable people in miserable marriages force the idea on me too. The ones that whinge are the ones that criticize me for not having them. They make fools of themselves and now I see it.

Good on you for deciding to move to the place you love. I moved far away from mine and I hated it at first, but now I am making the most of it (I am turning lemons into lemonade..lol!). Things do change if you want them to. Persistence really does pay off.

Good luck to you for 2017,
Best Wishes
xxx

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Hi Darlene,

I hope you got my small donation.
Cheers
xxx

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Hope,

You really understand my thoughts and feelings. It’s weird that these so-called professionals—“textbook” shrinks—-know nothing. Many times I have tried to explain my life and they still don’t get it. I have good days, but then I have bad days where past memories come up. It was especially hard right after my father died a couple of years ago. I believed it was truly over after someone dies, but these bad memories still linger on. So I have a good cry every time the bad feelings come up.

If I could describe my young adult life in my 20s and 30s (now 40s) it’s like being a prisoner serving time. These difficult past friends have chastised me by saying that I have put too much of my life on hold. I disagree and I know that I have done my best to survive and overcome disadvantages. There were serious money issues when I was younger and I worked hard for very little money. Later I earned a degree, but I still struggle financially being under-employed. There are nasty past acquaintances who shame me by saying that, “I should be further along in life”. Yeah, right! Maybe if I had the advantage of a good FOO who supported my ambitions and social life I would have more success now. Then I kick myself and remind myself that there are non-abused people who are worse off than me in every way. I am grateful for what I have in life and I don’t measure success by income level. I am not angry at what was done to me, but it’s more about not being free. I was never allowed to be myself growing up and narc parents never supported my interests.

I was labeled “shy” by others because that’s how they perceived me to be on the surface. I am reserved with people but my biggest weakness–or strength?–is being so sensitive and empathic that I feel everything. I must create a wall to protect myself. It’s funny how I am a complete 180 degrees from NMom with her zero human emotion.

Many times I have wanted to scream and be heard by my parent’s nosy social friends, neighbors, and cousins. Nobody hears me or cares. My reputation has been tarnished by my NMom and I am called names like retarded, spoiled brat, and selfish. These are just names and nobody really knows the real me at all. I feel as if my NMom got away with the perfect crime. She has falsely charmed people and made them bend to her wishes. She has painted a picture of me to others that there is something wrong with me and they’re brainwashed by her words. Why can’t they see through her facade? I am very intuitive and empathic and NMom’s energy is horrible. I could walk into a room blindfolded and feel bad energy.

It’s not over until it’s over. My NMom loves to gossip badly about me to neighbors. It’s always something—my weight, my not so high-paid job, and more…My NMom wants to fight until the very end. I will only be truly safe until after her death.

But there is hope for me. I have had to jump through so many hoops to get where I am now. I will fight and not quit until I can sell my house and move back home! My friends are in the former city and that’s all I think about.

Thank you for your kind words. May you have a great new year.

Blessed be,

Yvonne 🙂

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Hi Hope!!
I did get your donation, THANK YOU so MUCH! I really appreciate it deeply. 🙂
Hugs and love,
Darlene

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Hi Darlene,

You’re welcome and I plan to keep giving.

Yvonne,

Thanks for your kind words. I thing only people with toxic parents will ever understand you. Maybe the therapists that you had did not have toxic parents, hence why they “don’t get it” and never will. I felt like a prisoner too. My new boundary is to NOT pay attention to negative people and negative comments…that has saved my sanity. Liars get ignored. People that put labels on me get to keep them for themselves…I don’t want them. And toxic people are not allowed anywhere near me…by me!

I have had a problem since I was a kid, my problem is how do I stand up for myself when I have NO access to people that don’t talk directly to me but through someone else?

And, it really irritates me when I hang out with people I like and they are connected to toxic people, and they protect and enable the toxic person. My tolerance is really low these days.

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Hi Yvonne and Hope,

Thanks you all for your comments. I understand how your tolerance with toxic people is low Hope. Mine is too. I am 58 years old and I am not going to take it anymore. I am finally no contact with my sister-in-law. My husband is low contact. He didn’t even go to see her on Christmas. I don’t know what he will do in future. But for me, I am done with her. I won’t have to put up with her nasty comments. I was so glad not to see her during the holidays!

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Hi Andria,

You do not have to take crap from anyone. I am 40 and I do not either.
This was the second year for me to not see my FOO for Christmas and it was really tough (I think it has been 2 years since I last saw them in person but we still talk on the phone maybe 2-3 times/month). I am not sure when it gets easier to be without family and when we don’t have to explain ourselves anymore. But I am glad to finally be standing up for myself, as you did with your SIL. For the first time in my life I am glad to not be pressured by every single person to be, do and say what they want me to. My cheeky and fun side are slowly re-emerging and I’m loving it. And I don’t even try hard anymore. I just couldn’t understand why everything always went(and sometimes still go) so wrong for me. Now I am more established, even though I have my really bad days too. I really do wish you happiness. As long as you stick to your guns you will succeed. Good luck!

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Hope-

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement! I wish you every happiness! I will stick to my guns because I like living this life way better than life with my FOO and my husband’s FOO.

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Andria and Hope,

A very big part of the problem we all had growing up, along with our FOO abuse issues, was the fact that we were further traumatized by having our reputation tarnished. I know that I have talked about myself so much here about how my parents loved to gossip about me, but there was NO evidence to support any of their erroneous claims. These narc parents have lied about me to others since I was a child all the way up to my adult years. I am mad because no one knew me, or lived in my house, or listened to my side of the story.

I remember once when I actually believed that seeing a therapist/ family counselor did any good. Back when I was in high school, I had a counseling appointment with both of my parents and the therapist. My own father actually had the nerve to lie about me to the therapist. This horrible father lied by saying that he and his wife were so afraid of me! HUH? He told the therapist that he was afraid that me being a teenager would try to attack my parents by physical assault. He said that I would get angry and shout with my mom. Yes, that was partly true but it’s because she started it. My NMom would hit me while I was in my bedroom doing homework and she would scream at me. I am good at trying to hold it all together, but sometimes you just lose it and maybe once or twice I had the courage to raise my voice and snap back at her verbally. That’s it! I turned red-faced and here I was crying at 16 years old since I felt that my father had become like a brainwashed zombie who only supported his wife. There was NO love or any normal human emotion in that home. Of course that therapist could see that I had ZERO alcohol/drug issues, nothing criminal, and no boyfriend/teen pregnancy issue, plus I was an honors student! Like they say, success is the best revenge! They had NOTHING on me and if I was such a dangerous or violent person–NOT!

But there are moments in my past that I can never forget. My father would always embarrass me in public, like in a restaurant. He seemed to enjoy making rude comments regarding my looks, such as my haircut, or just anything. People laughed and I just wanted to crawl under the table. It’s interesting how much my own father could publicly insult and lie about me, but never badmouth my narc mom. Apparently I was the scapegoat and he enjoyed making himself feel more popular in a group at my expense.

When I was older, my narc mom was still viciously fighting with me, both physical and verbal. I was scared by her threats. My mean father would look at me and yell, “I don’t care who starts it, but the next time you two fight then out you go”, referring to me the victim. He didn’t care if I ended up being a homeless person on the street and later I did spend time in a woman’s shelter. I don’t know why he always defended her and I was nothing more than the villain role. I NEVER believed that my mean father loved me at all. I know we have had comments here on EFB saying that this crazy behavior is not love. I agree with saying that A PERFECT STRANGER CANNOT LOVE YOU AND YOU CANNOT LOVE THEM. How could this nasty, moody, and grouchy man who only wants to defend his wife and views me as just a live-in maid with no value or worth as a person love me? I was a stranger in my home since I never felt safe with these narc parents. I get annoyed when people say that my father loved me (because he was a quiet man?) when he never protected me or spent any time with me. He was so totally brainwashed into believing that I was such an “evil” person and that I provoked my narc mom. NO WAY—THE OTHER WAY AROUND!

Another erroneous opinion that I get told is that my father came from a different generation where get this—a husband and wife were like an unbreakable couple who ruled and the kids were not heard. Maybe there is a grain of truth here, but then how come my father’s sister(My aunt in N.California) married young right out of high school and had five kids with her husband and had the total opposite personality of my father? My aunt’s husband was a mechanic and my aunt worked right away–no college–(one job was in a computer factory assembling parts) and she was talkative and outgoing and people liked her. She had a good marriage, although money was tight, and her conversation was talking about her kids and how accomplished they were. My aunt was five years younger than my father from this same generation, but she wasn’t snooty and needing to impress others by having a big, luxury house like my parents. My grandparents were more comfortable with my aunt than my own father since they were more alike. My aunt was a very simple and down to earth person, and a good talker, with a sense of humor. About the highest insult that my father had was saying that somebody had the personality just like his sister, which according to him was somebody who did not care for her parents?, selfish, and fat. My father would later insult me by saying that I seemed liked his sister, implying that I was selfish and fat! I don’t know why he was so jealous and nasty toward his sister. My parents owned a big,luxury house with a nice view in Seattle, while his sister and husband owned a smaller, modest house in California.

Thank god that I have a good mind and I knew that nothing my father said about me made any sense. It’s like he wanted to verbally abuse me too in front of people. I NEVER deserved any of this!

My narc mom still cannot leave me alone. She is now 84 years old and I hope that she goes into a nursing care home soon. She lives in another town that is over a two hour drive from my home. My narc mom pays a driver to take her shopping and for errands. Her only joy is doing lunch with her neighbors. I am afraid to meet these neighbors since I know that my NMom has totally gossiped about me making me look bad. I hope that I never have to meet these neighbors in the future, but I don’t know since somebody has to settle the estate after she is gone. I can’t stand up for myself either, since I can’t talk to people directly. Basically, I give up on caring what they think about me. Thanks for reading and sharing here. I really have nobody to talk to.

Blessed Be,

Yvonne 🙂

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Yvonne,

Your stories are sad and terrible. I don’t understand why people act so badly to their children. However, I know that it happens. People love to make excuses about why the parents were such sucky parents, and how the parents “did the best they could.”I find it hard to believe that these people did the best they could. Thank goodness for this forum where we can share our pain. I hope you have a good weekend. Take care, Yvonne.

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Andria,

Thank you so much. It feels so good to have any support here. When I was a girl, I felt as if I were some kind of invisible person. There were so many people who insulted me and shamed me for not being very confident. I was shamed for having so-called low self-esteem. I realized that I was abused twice; first at home and then outside the home by these insulting people. I wonder why they were so concerned about this lack of self-esteem since I had absolutely no effect on their lives?

I never believed when I was younger that my life would turn out quite this way, with difficult money issues of being underemployed—even with a degree. I want to think that I have been protected by Spirit and my Guardian Angel. My life could have been worse in every way. Sometimes I think that I am too hard on myself since I’m sensitive and soak up negative comments like a sponge. It’s like I have wasted too much of my life crying and being upset over these nasty and sometimes even jealous comments from others. One of my biggest problems when I was younger was being too naive and trusting. I was beaten down by years of abuse by my NMom and my father who didn’t care.

I want to wake up in the morning and practice less worrying about everything. It’s like one of those, “just for today…” signs where you can give yourself permission to be happy and not have any cares at all. They say that so many of your real fears never really happen. There were times when I couldn’t trust anyone at all. I want to learn how to relax more and be easygoing. There is just too much self work when you have been what we have been through. Take care.

Blessed Be,

Yvonne 🙂

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Yvonne,

I believe these people that were abusive lead to your so-called “low self-esteem”. You have been protected by helping spirits and angels. We all have them around us all of the time. I believe in these helpers. We only have to ask for their help and we can receive their blessings in amazing ways. I am also very sensitive to other’s energies. I have to be careful around certain kinds of people and situations or just avoid these things all together. Good hearted people are often too trusting and expect others to be just as good hearted.

Yes, I understand about all the healing we have to go through. But it is all worth it because we are all worth it. I give you a BIG HUG Yvonne. Take care of yourself. I will talk with you more later.

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Andria (and everybody),

I have been reviewing more of my life and there was a breakthrough for me. My life was destroyed not exclusively by my NMom and her trashy family abusing me.(There was always one of her relatives living in our basement). The source of all my problems came from my enabler and sometimes abusive father. It was my father who could have prevented this abuse and divorced his wife. It’s like my father made a choice when I was very little and he chose his wife over me. I think that is my realization when all of my problems began. I now understand that the source of all my problems was the fact that my father chose my NMom over me and basically abandoned me. It was his choice to make, either her or me. Most normal parents would have chosen their own biological child knowing they can find another husband or wife later on. What hurts me the most was why? Why did he choose her over me? That is the burning question. The truth is that I will never fully understand why and it hurts me more than anything. As much as it hurts to say this, I know that my father must have been extremely selfish to only care about his own wants and feelings, and never mine. Most normal parents do not choose between their own child or their spouse. The meaning of family implies wholeness and togetherness, and not being divided up into two teams like playing a sport.

When I was an older girl, I was nothing more than a live-in maid for them. My life only consisted of homework and house cleaning. Note how my NMom never had a job and I actually worked two jobs, both school and managing the house. My NMom and grouchy mean father never once asked about my friends or social activities. I think that I learned loneliness at a young age, although I have always been surrounded by people. Things became worse in the home when I was a teenager and I think that was the time when my horrible father became even more angry and mean towards me. I don’t know if it’s because I was a teenage girl and my father felt uncomfortable (but I was not sexually molested by him) or he resented the fact that I was competition for my NMom? I don’t know but I could feel more tension and hate directed my way. It’s funny but I was always such a good girl—-good grades, quiet, reserved, and NO major issues with drugs/alcohol, teen pregnancy, violence and the like. I felt as if I was never truly wanted in that home. They were odd people since they enjoyed having a “live-in maid”, but also angry that I was a real daughter with needs.

The second big issue that I had was my father’s betrayal. Both of these abusers wanted to control me like their puppet. I had no value or worth to either one of them unless I could perform in same way to make them look good. They liked that I could perform in school and earn teachers’ respect by these teachers reading essays in front of the class.

I can remember my father literally crying, holding his face in his hands, when I was in high school where he was yelling at me for not wanting to become a business major in college. They controlled me and of course I dropped out of college the first time around, and later earned a degree as an older student. I get very angry when others (stupid therapists) claim that my Narc parents truly loved and cared for me. NOT! They only cared about themselves, their luxury house, their maid-daughter, and showing off. Everything they did was always for them. They enjoyed “grown-up” entertaining with stupid dinner parties where I was only a servant doing the cooking and cleaning.

The worst part of everything was not my crazy NMom screaming at me and beating me with her physical abuse. I realize now that both of these abusers did not want me to leave home. It’s a long and complicated story that I may share of how I moved from my home state to Arizona after my high school graduation.

There are days when I feel content, but there are days when I think that I can’t take it anymore. I seriously need a new job (I am unemployed) and money is difficult. No, I don’t blame everything on my parents, but most of my career and money issues can be traced back to them. I still have goals and dreams and my life is not even finished.

The self-esteem issues come up and I read somewhere that a big key to having a higher self-esteem is to stop all self-criticism. I know that I could have had an easier young adult life in my 20s and 30s, but then I remind myself that I was very hurt and disadvantaged. I have done very well in spite of the fact of being hurt and disadvantaged. You don’t have to look around very far to find people with serious cproblems, like street people asking for donations in my city. I tell myself that there are others with serious problems like disease and homelessness. I try not to be quite so hard on myself. The past is the past and the future is wide open. Just for today I must be more cheerful and trusting that things will improve. Thanks for reading.

Blessed Be,

Yvonne

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Yvonne, it’s not about who “has it worse” or “better.” It’s about your own Reality and Truth.
And the challenging task of understanding it was not about you personally in the sense it *would not have mattered what kind of kid or adult you were*-but it is also intensely personal-because it was abuse and neglect tailored specifically towards you.
It doesn’t get any more personal than that.

And if you figure out how to “stop being so hard on yourself,” by sheer will, please share that as well! When that’s all you know, that’s what you do. When that’s all you believe, that’s what you act on because it provides the bedrock for how you view yourself and the world.

It’s not about “blaming;” it’s about Accountability. Totally different concepts from one another. As adults we are ALL accountable for the choices we make; however, the choices we make are based on the beliefs we were inculcated with long, long ago. We were children, Yvonne. Taking out our wiring-all of it-and reexamination is an arduous and painstaking task.
And you’re doing that: Quite an achievement, IMO.

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Yvonne,

How are you doing? I am sorry to hear that you are unemployed. I hope you get something soon and the money difficulty will get better. I hope you can stick with your goals and dreams. You are right that your life is not finished. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. It is very hard to turn off that inner critic. You think you have it shut off and then here it comes again. I understand that. I like what you said:” just for today I must be more cheerful and trusting that things will improve.”

I have different circumstances than you do, but I understand how parents are selfish and really care only about themselves and truly show no interest in you. Yes, there are days when I am content and days when I feel sad. I don’t believe I am feeling sorry for myself. I have many blessings. But there is a sadness around the fact that I have no family that I feel close to. I have my husband and friends that I have made into a “family”, but my it does hurt to know that my family rejected me and my husband’s family rejected me. When that happens to a person it sure does make them think….why it must be me!! This side of the family doesn’t like me and this other side does not either. IT HAS TO BE ME! That is the negative talk. Now I have learned that it wasn’t me it was them, but still the negative self talk can rear it’s ugly head.

I hope today is a good day for you Yvonne. You are a kind and loving person. Be gentle with yourself.

Blessings,
Andria

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Andria,

Thank you for your kind words. I am most grateful for being a metaphysical/spiritual person. If I did not have my strong faith then I know I would have destroyed myself with alcohol/drugs or anything all those years ago. It was painful to see how a narc mom could have all of the money and power in the home. When I was in my 20s and moved up from roommate living to my first studio apartment living alone, it was still very financially tough. Here I was eating the same tired meal of macaroni and so on, and narc mom could cook a good meal. She never had to worry about barely making it each month to pay utilities. I think that a big part of her problem was that she never had to feel anything—-no pain, no fear, no worries—-just boredom. I know there are struggling families out there where the wife has to work to pay bills and help out. These kinds of families seems more honest and supportive—-the opposite of my home.

Like you, I know that I will never have a happy extended family. I met my father’s relatives in North Dakota, a big close family, and they seemed normal compared to my father. I kind of know that I will only have a Christmas card relationship with them for the rest of my adult life. There is a kind of loyalty that I still carry toward my only good relatives, my grandparents(father’s side) and my Cousin Dean, when I was a child, so I continue the card tradition each year. My dream is to one year send these mid-western cousins a Christmas card with actual good news, saying how my mom passed away that year and that I’m engaged to a good man. Maybe it’s pride or just wanting to have a happy ending and closure with them. I have always felt like I was somebody just sitting in the bleachers watching a football game, like always an observer, but not a team member.

My big goal now is moving back to my former city. I know that I will never be happy here. I can take any job here since it’s only a job for several months, not a career. I talked to a great realtor and my house is in a good location and an easy sell. My financial plan is selling my small house for the highest and best price, and moving back to my former city where I can possibly downsize. That way I can make a small profit and actually have a savings account, since former city has cheaper houses.

My family are the members of my spiritual groups in the former city—-and I will reconnect with all of them. I am not giving up on meeting a future soulmate partner who is a good man. It’s funny how others have called me “shy” or imply that my standards are too high in meeting a good man. No, I don’t think so since I know that I do not want to go through an abusive relationship/marriage. I have taken day trips to visit my past city and the first place that I always visit is my Spiritualist Church—small group of psychic mediums. They have known me since I was in my 20s and they are like a family to me. I am surrounded by friends who accept me and I can talk to them.

I am angry that I lost almost ten years of my adult life since I had to move to get away from abusive parents! I never really wanted to move. I would even move back and sell my house with a financial loss if I had to, but thankfully I can get a little ahead in life with my house sale. My father died in 2015 and I know that my mom will end up in a nursing care home soon. I thank God that I did not move far away to another state when I was younger. The move here to the major city was enough of a move, with a safe three hour drive from my parent’s house. I keep busy with hobbies like crafts/women knitting group and more, but it’s been too lonely. Maybe because I was abused that I’m just a little different, with a different kind of energy. I am empathic and hyper-sensitive and only feel comfortable with the metaphysical people. Plus, I’m practical and down to earth—a regular jeans and tee-shirt gal—and prefer the smaller city with friendlier people. I do fit in better there than being surrounded by large crowds who are status conscious. I hope to have animal friends in the future in my new home.

I don’t know you but like everyone here you may have had to run away or move when you were younger to stay safe. Maybe you were lucky and did not lose hope with your dreams and goals, too. I pray for a new beginning. It’s strange how you see things clearer when you are apart. I see how much I missed my past town and friends, but with no love for abusive parents. Have a great week!

“It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.”
Henry David Thoreau

Blessed Be,

Yvonne

90

Yvonne,

I understand about having just the Christmas card relationship with extended family. Even a few of those have quit sending cards at holidays. I guess they figure it is not worth bothering with sending a card since we don’t have a “real” relationship.

I hope you quickly sell your house for a good price and get back to where you want to be with your friends. You feel safe with these people and that is important. It can be difficult to be sensitive. I like smaller places with friendly people as well. I like nice things, but I don’t have the money to be a status-type person. I hope you get some animals friends in your life too.

My FOO moved back to Chicago at the same time I moved to Denver with my future husband. It was a strange situation. My parents sold their farm in Iowa because my Dad had to move because his company got sold to a company based in Chicago. They bought a house in the suburbs with only 3 bedrooms. Our household consisted of father, mother, grandmother, sister, and myself. My mother did not want me to move to Denver; yet they did not have a room for me in the suburban Chicago house. The house did not have a basement so I could not have even bunked underground. I would have had to share a room with my sister or my grandmother. I had my own bedroom in the farmhouse. My husband has never gotten over the fact that they did not think of me as needing a room in their new house; yet my mother was trying to forbid me from moving to Denver. I basically was low contact with my family until I finally went no contact a few years ago.

Yes, there is always a new beginning. I hope all the best for you. You and your friends will be glad to be back together again. I can safely say for myself that I have no love for my father and sister and I had no love for my mother. It was just an idea in my head that I loved them because they are family. I know better now.

Good luck with all your real estate dealings Yvonne! I am rooting for you!

91

Andria (and all),

It seems like these issues with my narc family never end. I learned that my mom is getting into my bank account again. She has money but she can’t leave me alone, just wanting to be snoopy but not steal money.(Again I don’t keep much money—but she is very pushy). I don’t know how much more that I can take of her until she can pass away. I learned that she actually had to borrow money from a former neighbor who is an accountant to pay her house property taxes. This is such narc behavior where she will not sell her house and move to a smaller home. After my father died, she is living on his pension (which got cut in half after death). She insists on entertaining and keeping up appearances—-how crazy is that? Her house is listed for sale but she does not want to move and she will never lower the price, so this house will never sell—(until after her death).

I really do not care what Narc Mom does with her house or finances. The problem is that she continues harassing and dumping on me. NO, I can’t control the comments or actions of other people. This Narc Mom views me like her slave since I am her daughter.

The latest news is that Narc Cousin may be returning home earlier than expected from his job in Saudi Arabia—-like May/June and no longer this October. He couldn’t get a job anywhere after 20 years of military service (with a small pension) and he found a job through military connections for a year there. He is also recently divorced again and that leaves him with two ex-wives and kids to support. It’s almost funny to see how these narc people double-cross each other. This Narc Cousin was living with my Narc Mom in her house, since his second ex-wife got the house and everything. He promised my mom that he would help her out with buying groceries. Since he is a cheap skate and liar he would only buy her a take-out pizza and soda once a week, or a whole rotisserie chicken meal from the grocery deli! But not a few bags of groceries! The golden child was not quite so golden after all and Narc Mom got taken advantage of by him! LOL!

There are more problems coming up with the Narc Mom. It’s hard to explain everything here but there are some legal issues after my father’s death. I went to a paralegal for help and paid for services from part of my income tax refund. (I am between jobs but thankfully I will be on a project at work for the month of April). I can’t explain everything but there are legal papers that my Narc Mom needs to sign/notarize and it’s all very complicated. Talking to Narc Mom by phone to sign these legal papers is like making a pact with the very devil! Not good! My friend once told me that dealing with my Narc Mom is like that scene from a Harry Potter movie where the characters are playing a kind of chess game, but one false move will kill them. Not good! It’s kind of like a life or death decision regarding these legal papers. You know of course that the only language that these narc people speak is the language of money. They’re all so very selfish, greedy, materialistic, power hungry and dishonest that it’s sickening for the normal people.

I think that I could have been a great chess player, but sadly I was never taught the game. My whole life has been like a pawn on a chess board where I’m playing the game with a straight poker face and tons of patience. I know nothing and I never let on that I have any normal human emotion. I’m not really afraid of her and I’m so very stubborn that I’m not a quitter. The only true failure in life is quitting early and I’m a fighter and not a quitter!

I don’t know how everyone here on EFB feels but there are times when I just want to give up being so strong—one of Darlene’s articles! The victims like us give up years of our life, including all of our formative years growing up, for survival issues. When we’re finally free and moved out of the house, we’re still haunted by past memories which is a lot of work. I remember a good friend saying to me that I was not that different from others with my thoughts and feelings, but being abused made me FEEL like I was somehow different. I remember saying to my friend how old I felt and I was only late 20’s at the time, and she replied that abuse victims FEEL older than mainstream people. We have to simultaneously grow up and mature faster, having to care for and raise ourselves. Then we miss out on social activities in our youth.

I know that I have lived through difficulties which would have destroyed most people. I was an older student who put myself through college. I survived being a nearly homeless young woman who ended up in a women’s shelter for awhile. Yes, I can survive another battle with the crazy woman! The good part of all this if the crazy woman can sign these legal papers then I will NEVER have to deal with her ever again! So, I cannot take ‘NO’ for an answer and I will keep dealing with her until I win!

So nice to be supported here. I do so appreciate any thoughts or advice. Love and light!

Blessed Be,

Yvonne

92

Hi Yvonne,

I am sorry for all the craziness around your family situation. I understand how much energy it takes to deal with problems around family. I know you can hang in there and fight the good fight until it is done. Just keep strong. There is satisfaction in being able to tell your story. These things are not easy to get over. I wish you all the best always. Take care and let us know how things are going for you.

Fondly,

Andria

93

Mother’s Day above was well written and I find a lot of myself in the comments above. When definite signs of DEMENTIA were showing themselves, I blamed a lot on it. But HOW do I get past what she did BEFORE the signs. ,before the things that hurt. My alcoholic brother took over all aspects of her life. When I or my husband got in the way and got caught in all the fall-out of all that happens and WE are the bad guys. She would ask for help and yet would not support it or follow through. Now she lanquishes at a nursing home w/ DEMENTIA and absolutely no memory of what got us all here. I am the surviving child now out of a family of 5. I DON”T WANT to go see her anymore…..yet I also feel I must keep tabs w/ her. I refuse to take back her guardianship , because I REFUSE to clean up after the MESS she left, enabled and will never be accountable for. My brother lied his way to getting her a court guardian, so in a way, I was releived of the burden. Meanwhile her entire estate is gone. She will have a BARE BONES funeral when it’s time. There was barely money left to do that. HOW do I deal with the non-closure of all that happened???

94

Donna,

I am very sorry for your situation with your mother. I don’t have any answers for you. All I know is do what is good for you and your family. I did too much for my family and my husband’s family and it got me nothing and no where except more mistreatment and bad behavior from them.

I have a lot of non-closure. I just have to deal with the reality that what little family I had never cared about me. I won’t be visiting my sister, father, or sister-in-law. I am not missing out on the mistreatments or the pure lies and bullshit. I have made up my mind that I don’t need any of this and I feel better for not having them in my life.

95

Thanks for your attention, Andria. Someday I will have to deal w/ my neice and Nephew…probably when she passes. I can’t BEAR the thought of dealing w/ these toxic people, when I fought so hard to keep all the poison from my world. They act like white trash.
I was always accused of NOT caring, being selfish NOT to visit(I grew terrified of going into that house, due to his terrorism, mouth and torment. )In the 90s, back when he was in prison, he was diagnosed as Sociopathic and narsacistic. Two of so many words he called me!!! Part of me wants to mend fences w/ his kids…but not get in line for another attack from my neice. She has a mouth on her much like her dad did. I wish SO BAD I could just live in the peace of today and the fact that most of all the disappointment of my “FAMILY” is behind me. I JUST CAN”T SHAKE the whole thing about WHY my Mom allowed him to abuse and alienate me. She once thought it was funny that he said to me that I had all that Jesus crammed up my ass. After everything he did to us and her…she always let him back…let him stay…and watched w/out flinching while he got in my face and cussed me out and chased me out of the room, blocked me from her , etc. I would call to talk to her and he would grab the phone from her. She doesn’t even realize that she was showing me I was not important or worth anything. It was ALL about him. He had pretty much taken over once he moved in after 2006, after my sister died. When she died, I lost my ally. He died just before this last Christmas, and I have not shed a single tear over him. It was like someone took the rocks and bricks off me… FREEDOM…for now. Non-closure REALLY sucks the life out of many a thought and days.

96

Donna,

I understand about not wanting to deal with certain people. It is extra hurtful when it is family. My parents always showed me how unimportant I was and that my sister was the person that was important. Even when my sister did not take care of our father who lived just a few blocks from her and I had to bring him to my house in another state 300 miles away to care for him…..in the end I was still not the good person. I was still the outcast.

I am not going to his funeral when he dies. I don’t talk to my father or my sister. Maybe this is something for you to look at and decide. I don’t know what is good for you. This is what I am going to do.

If I understand correctly, your brother is dead? The one that was in prison? I am glad that you can feel some freedom. I understand how it plays on your mind. I have decided that I am okay without knowing what is happening with my family.

I am still seeking healing in different ways to deal with the non-closure of being disconnected with the family. I think I am going to have to teach myself that it is okay. I didn’t do anything wrong and I cannot help how other people care or don’t care about me.

Try to be strong Donna. There are a lot of us out here. It feels good when you realize that you are not a reject. You are rejecting them for their horrible treatment of you. I wish I could say the words that would magically make you feel better. You know you are a good person. Just keep telling yourself that and believing it too.

97

Sounds as though you may battle depresion too! Your responses for me have been GOOD MEDICINE. THANKS.

98

Yes Donna I do battle depression. I take medication that helps me.

I am so pleased that I was able to impart some good medicine to you. You are very welcome. Take care of yourself.

99

Hi Andria,

I did not go to my father’s funeral service and it was over a three hour drive from me. My excuse was that since I live on such a tight budget that I could not afford much needed new tires for my car. I have no regrets at all! I have come to the realization that I will NEVER visit my father’s memorial—he had a veteran’s service– with his remains in a box placed in a wall with his name. My mom gets her remains placed next to him after her death,too.

I am learning how not to be quite so hard on myself. My background is not the same like others and it doesn’t make me a bad person, just different. There are many times in the past where I have been hurt and misunderstood by others trying to pry information from me. They can’t quite figure me out and it’s really none of their business. The only ones who understand abuse issues are the ones who have been victims like us.

Some days I get so angry and tired of it all. Both of my narc parents destroyed my life in many ways. It’s like I try to salvage the broken pieces of my life and put them together the best way I can. I know that I could have gone further in a career, but my home life was total chaos as a teenager and it’s a miracle that I even graduated from high school on time with my class. When I was a mature student (ten years older than everyone) I started college and earned a Bachelor degree. I have worked but I’ve been so underemployed it’s pathetic!

I am still on the path of trying to sell my small house and move back to the former town. I will never be happy here and I just need to get out. The only reason that I can move back now is my father died two years ago and I know that narc mom will not last much longer. I have shared on this site that I’m very metaphysical and there a few good psychics who gave me the same message saying that my mom will go to a nursing care home soon, like before the end of this year.

I try to view my life as a big adventure. I think if I had it my way I would just sell my house and buy a tiny house in that community. I think that I have have always wanted to do things my way, just a bit different from the mainstream culture. I prefer a simpler,rural life than a big city life with snooty people.

My goal when I move back is to throw out the old and let go of even more of my past. There is a community yard sale on the last Saturday of April and I hope to let more go. I just don’t want to move back with lots of stuff, with less to pack and pay for a moving van. Maybe I can decorate my new home in a different style and colors in the future. It’s like I’m almost free!

There are still legal hang ups with my house but I think I can get through it. I can’t believe just how materialistic and greedy both of my parents were. They could not give up their big luxury house and now my narc mom complains that she cannot buy too many groceries or go out for a steak dinner. How crazy is that? But my parents had to show off and put all of their finances into a big luxury house that was above them. If it were me, I would have sold her big house and bought a two bedroom condo for older people. She will now have to pass away in the nursing care home.

I dream of moving back home and I’m not quitting until I can move back. My friends mean a lot to me since I’m single and they’re everything to me. I need joy. I need to feel accepted for being me. I need emotional support. I should be happy but all I do is cry. My life is so empty now but I can change things. I am safe with both of my parents nearly gone from my life.

Thanks for your kindness. I really have no one in my life to talk to and it’s hard. Sending you peace and blessings.

Blessed Be,

Yvonne

100

Hey Yvonne,

Yeah, it’s hard knowing that I won’t be going to my father’s funeral, but I truly would not be comfortable there with my sister. He doesn’t really care about me so there is no reason for me to be there.

I am glad that you are not being so hard on yourself. I don’t beat myself up. I share a lot about my life with people I feel close to but sometimes they can’t understand why I don’t talk with my family. Like you said a lot of people don’t understand abuse issues. Sometimes people talk to me about their family and I recognize emotional abuse that they have suffered. I don’t usually point that out. Not everyone wants to be estranged from family members. It is best for me to keep my mouth shut about other’s business.

Yes, anger is a big part of this healing. I’m still angry how my father treated us when he lived in our house. He never could see how badly he treated me. Be proud of what you have accomplished.

I hope you sell your home easily, and live where you want to be. We live in a rural area and we don’t have to go to the city to get our groceries and other things.

Life is an adventure that we don’t find out about until we turn the page. Letting go of objects you don’t use or need anymore is a good way to get rid of some stuck energy.

I know it’s hard to forget about stuff from the past that was not pleasant or nice. My husband says he doesn’t think about family unless I bring it up. He says he compartmentalizes it. I can’t seem to do that.

I hope you get your dream of moving back home to your friends. I understand needing joy. I want that too. I hope you get the emotional help that you need. It is hard to find that in life sometimes. Be gentle with yourself. Don’t criticize yourself for crying if you are not happy. You know you can change things.

You are very welcome. I can feel lonely. I know we all have guides and helpers around us all the time. I just have not been able to feel like I have contact with them. I send you peace and blessings too.

101

2017, this will be the first year I do not spend Mother’s Day with my Mother. I am the child who never misses a holiday with family. My sister, the Golden Child makes all the decisions and hosts all events unless we go out. If we do go out, she chooses the place and makes the reservation. She has though, on occasion made other plans and it is always so strange, those times. My Mom is like an empty shell when my sister is not there.

I tried once to take it upon myself to make plans, but of course, it wan’t good enough and everyone complained.My sister sat stiff as a board, not smiling, quiet and reserved. To say it was uncomfortable is putting it mildly.

Then there is the weird thing about gifts. I will hear forever from my Mother how much she loves whatever my sister buys her, but my gifts tend to come back to me in weird “donation” kinds of ways. Even the Costco membership I though my Mom would love didn’t work out and she let me know not to renew it the following year. For a long time I tried really hard to find something spectacular, but now I have just given up. Perhaps this year I will send her a gift card.

There is this weird thing my Mom does. It goes something like this, I have a cold with a cough and my mom says “You have always had weak lungs.” I am going somewhere and I get lost or can’t find the place, “You were never good at directions.” Sometimes the comments come out of the blue, seemingly disconnected from whatever the discussion is at hand, “Math was never your strength.” They are presented as being loving, reassuring, it took me years to see the ominous clouds that formed over my head and followed me around after these kind of comments.

In a recent conversation I mentioned I had hurt my back and was going to physical therapy, Mom says “Oh you always had a bad back.” I didn’t ever, nor do I now have a bad back, I just sustained a minor injury that is healing well. I said this to her, she laughed a little and mumbled “Okay.”

I would love to ask her why she says these kinds of things to me, but we are only allowed to talk about politics, the weather, and basically anything that keeps me on the bottom rung of the family ladder. Anything else is met with grave, grave, indignant, resolve to completely regulate me until I shut up, put my head down and accept my given place.

My Mother is a master at speaking volumes with facial expressions, body language and even by the way she breathes. When she is under the gun, she says few words, but they are all words to block my every attempt at understanding how we got to this place, to know why I am her lesser daughter.

She married a horrible man and I was the family scapegoat. He tormented me for the eight years she stayed married to him. Her version of these events is that I dug my heels in and that is why he didn’t like me. I didn’t see it. How could I have missed the re framing that has been done at my expense for so many decades? How did her mistakes become my fault, my shame?

I do not hate her, but this year I am going to spend Mother’s Day without her for the first time ever. I am going to send her a card and be out of town and I would be lying if I said it doesn’t both hurt and feel like a huge relief. I imagine I will be there still, in effigy, but I am trying to work through some of my feelings about this now so that I experience something akin to freedom this Mother’s Day for the first time in my life.

102

IVY. *** I REALLY do feel your emotions. At this time, I don’t know if I will go see mine either that day. Still mucking through all the left behind mud. My mom was BIG on judgemental statements, questions and looks. She was always questioning my morals or thinking. What she would bring up to me…she all forgot when she was willingly involved w/ the lies, deception, bank and insurance fraud and on and on…..the other day, she sits with NO TEETH because she misplaced her dentures long ago, and railed on this girl who was missing one tooth. Would not figure out that she was no different from others. In a way it is humorous, but to me it was her judgemental old self coming out. I wish you a BLESSED Mother’s Day hopefully spent w/ those who LOVE you for being YOU!!!

103

Ivy, Donna and all other survivors on this blog,

I am in my second year of no contact with my mother, therefore my second Mother’s Day. I can say for myself it isn’t easy but it does get easier with time.
I try to focus on the positives in my life like my wonderful husband, terrific children, the few friends I have and my special pets.

Even if you don’t have children we should all practice the virtues of motherhood whether it be for a friend, a beloved pet or (especially) yourself. Since most, if not all, of us didn’t have an appropriate example of a mother growing up, it’s about time we take the time to mother ourselves. We are worth it and deserving.

Your comments are welcome and I wish everyone a blessed Mother’s Day this Sunday.

104

Jess,

Thank you for the reminder that we are worth it and deserving!

105

While growing up, I saw only a few short-comings of my mom. All of the ugly stuff started shortly AFTER MY FATHER PASSED IN 2005. That’s when she started to show me that my dis-functional brother was priority.

AMEN…if it were not for the kids, my husband and my fur kids…I KNOW things would be dismal!!! Happy Spring to all. It DOES lift the spirits and gives me other things to think about and look forward to. I do the best emotionally in Autumn, due to the change of temps and the glow of the world around me. I ENJOY the winter as well. A hot cup of tea or cocoa are good medicine. Blessing to all and thanks to all for being here and for support!

106

Dear Andria—and all,

I guess that I’m here again talking about me. I am finished with my legal issues and now working with a realtor to list my house! Woo-hoo! It seems as if most of my life has been one long struggle after another and it never ends. It takes a lot of courage and inspiration to keep going when you have been beaten down too many times. Many abuse victims think that they’re stuck and can’t make changes.

I know that I did the right thing by moving here to another city, a two hour drive from my former town. I wonder how many victims feel as if they have to move far away to a new city or state to feel safe. Another part of me feels angry that I lost several years of my life living in my current city. It’s hard being so alone, but my narc parents could not leave me alone even though I had my own apartment. It’s safe for me to move back since my father died two years ago and narc mom won’t last much longer. When do we ever feel safe? I can never really feel safe until my narc mom dies. I know that day will come soon but it’s hard.

I remember arguing with a friend years ago and she said, “Why are you so afraid of your mother at your age?” This was due to the fact that I always kept my cell phone turned off during the day, actually almost 24/7 off, to keep my mom away. I had the habit of checking my cell phone daily and calling back people. How could I say that my narc mom is crazy and dangerous? I don’t have the time to write a whole biography to make others understand how bad it was with my narc mom.

I can remember all of the social situations where I have nearly lost friends and have been humiliated because of narc mom’s attitude. I am grateful that I have the gift of being able to move back home, but there is still some resentment for losing several years of my life. I tell myself that things could have been worse and yes, it’s true! I have lived through an entire roller coaster ride of human emotion with the crazy narc mom, from fear to sadness to humiliation to anger and then back again. These narc people are big takers and destroy and take and then take even more until there is nothing left for them.

I know that you can never quite go home again in the same way. A few of my friendships have quietly faded and a few others have moved or died. I am open to my new life whatever it brings. But I admit that the sooner my narc mom is gone the better it is for me. She still gossips about me and trashes my reputation to her neighbors/friends. I frankly do not give a care about these people and I don’t understand all their gossip. I am NOT their daughter and what I do or don’t do in my life is none of their business.

It’s funny but I think that the real issue with all my past child abuse is simply wanting to be me! I want to live my life on my terms without being controlled or abused by narc parents. These narc parents only want a perfect robot to control, not a real daughter, and there was never any unconditional love. I don’t love these people. I learned how to take care of myself and enjoy my own company at a young age. There are good things coming for me. Hope you’re feeling happy, too.

Blessed Be,

Yvonne

107

Hi Yvonne,

It sounds like you are doing okay. Good luck with selling your house. I know it is hard to forget what has happened in the past and move on without thinking about it anymore. I am still not there yet, but I am working on it.

I think you have succeeded in being you. From reading your posts, I think you have been yourself for the most part. That is what some parents don’t like. They want you to be like them and it is not possible. It is a wrong way of thinking.

I have been doing okay. I am feeling good most of the time. Like I already said, if I could get my family out of my head that would be beautiful. I hope you have a great rest of the week.

Andria

108

My mother sent my husband a father’s day card with $100 check inside and a heartfelt note to him. I had sent her an easter card and a mothers day card even though I haven’t talked to her for years. She didn’t send me a mothers day card, she never has. But she’s never sent one to my husband either. I think it was a way of hurting me and she probably enjoyed thinking about how much it would hurt me and make me cry. She is an evil woman, did nothing to help me when my father was molesting me when I was a child, called me a liar, crazy, etc. It sucks that she can continue to hurt me and I can’t stop her. I forgave her for everything a long time ago for my own sanity, but she still manages to stick the knife in and bring back all the horrible memories, and make new wounds, too.

109

Hi Andria—and all,

I wanted to give an update about my moving situation progress. I have officially sold my small home! Woo-hoo! I was afraid that I couldn’t buy a smaller home in my price range in the new city,but I did! It’s like a miracle and I’m so happy. I should be moving in September to my new city and home.

I don’t know about you, but the recurring theme in my life with the child abuse past issues was a life where I’ve always been a tough,young girl alone. Even in my adult life I’ve had to put one foot in front of the other, always taking a risk, trusting my intuition that it would all work out. I re-connect with old familiar faces when I move back, but also meet new people, too.

My Narc mom still cannot leave me alone. She calls me from time to time and I can’t stop her. I know that she will end up in an adult care home soon. I had to move from my former city to be safe from my parents. I did the right thing but I’ve lost nearly ten years of my adult life trying to run away from them and be safe. I have suffered from deep depression since I had not much of a social life where I live now.

Are there others here on the EFB site who had to move far away to start a new life to feel safe? I know that I did the right thing and I would do it again if I had to start all over to feel safe. I know that it’s not completely over until my mom dies. I am so very close to having a new and good life, with total freedom.

Blessed Be,

Yvonne

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Of course you can stop her, Yvonne, just change your number and don’t give her your new address.

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Yes, distance is a great help. Not a cure…but a HELP!!! Be happy. You will soon be able to make it yours and decorate it with the things that MAKE YOU HAPPY and content!!

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I went to see Mom today and only stayed hardly 15 minutes. I am quite sure she cannot understand most of what I say to her. She shows no interest in me, I have cut my visits to every two weeks lately. I DO NOT WANT TO GO….I go out of a sense of Duty/guilt. She cannot put sentences together and what she does say is usually “goop”. She won’t even look at me most the time. I realize that only about half her brain remains. It’s SO HARD not to take it all personal. I KNOW I wait for the apology I will never get. Never got one from my brother….guess I just have to keep TRYING to move forward and hold on to what I GOT!!!!

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Yvonne,

Congrats on selling your home and buying one in your new city! I hope your move goes easily. Many blessings in your new home.

Donna,

Please don’t beat yourself up for not wanting to go and visit your mother. If you don’t want to go….don’t go. I did a lot of things for family out of duty. I never regret anything I do or did, but I have learned that I will never get the explanations or apologies that I wanted. How can one not take it personally? Of course your mother’s brain is not healthy now; so the “goop” cannot be taken personally.

It is hard to move forward. It takes a while to heal. I just had to cut all family out of my life because it did not feel good having contact with them. When my family attacked me they made it personal.

Best of luck in moving forward and healing.

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I am jo my name is jo, I am not called rat
I was called rat for the first 11 years of my life
I am only just understanding what love is not, thanks to the birth of my own child. I am blessed by this child who has flooded my life with unconditional love I felt it form the first moment we met and it was right then I knew the truth, and she could see it too, this so called mother of mine, for the first time I saw fear in her eyes, she knew her lies where no longer going to work on me.
I found strength thro the love of my son, to keep him safe and stand up to her. This was going to stop now, right now, that woman would never hurt me, this child or any other person !
And she knows not to ever come near us ! Without me even getting the chance to tell her

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Hi to all— and Andria:

My life feels much more quiet in my new home. I know that I did the right thing by moving. My Narc mom has no idea that I’ve moved. She believes that I still live in my former major city. I think that she will become more senile in the future.

My horrible Narc Cousin took a job for a year in Saudi Arabia after being in the military for years. He couldn’t get a job anywhere and he does not want to go back to school. So he is not living with mom and she lives alone. I was afraid that cousin would find me and harass me at my new home. After mom dies and cousin returns home and we can settle whatever is left of the family estate then it’s all over with him.

I live alone and it’s hard sometimes. It seems as if I have always been alone since I was an only child. The holidays are coming and it’s always the same with a simple celebration.

I go out to my former spiritual groups and people remember me. These people have meant more to me than my own family of origin. I’m not depressed but I want to remember how to be happy and feel joy. I’m never moving again and it’s just too painful to go through so much trauma. Moving can cause a lot of emotional pain.

I think that I’ve been searching for a place to call home my whole life. I feel safe because the “bad” people are gone—father died, cousin lives abroad, and mom is alone in her house. I have come full circle where I drive on certain streets and remember. I remember stores and places and it comes back to me. It’s like I have finished karma with the bad people and memories and now there is space for the good.

I am so tired of thinking about my mom and the past. For all intent, my narc mom is basically “dead”—maybe not quite there in the physical but everything else.

When my mom dies, it’s cremation and her remains go into a box. The military narc cousin will place her box next to my father in the veteran’s wall memorial in Arizona. I will NEVER visit them.

Sometimes I think about my father’s family in the Midwest. I met them once and they seemed normal. My Narc mom kept me away from my father’s family so they are like strangers to me. I heard stories from my grandparents (father’s side) about their lives back on the farm. I really want to believe so much that my entire family is not too awful and there is at least one good branch. But they are a very tight, close group and I feel like a total stranger. I don’t know if there is anything more that narc mom has not stolen from me or destroyed. She was an evil monster and there is no love for either of my parents.

Thanks for reading.

Blessings,

Yvonne

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Hi Yvonne,

I am glad that you are settled into your new home and you have reconnected with your spiritual groups. I understand how non-family is much more than your real family.

My mother kept us away from my father’s family too. They all live in Georgia and we lived in the Midwest. We visited a few times. When I was little we went twice, and when I was a teenager we went to visit a couple of times. But very few ever came to visit us. None of my family is close knit. My mother’s or my father’s. My husband’s family is very dysfunctional as well. Both his mother’s and father’s. We don’t talk to my sister-in-law any more and I don’t talk to my sister or my dad.

Animals is what saved me in my childhood. I was running my own barn by the time I was 10 years old. I am so thankful that my parents moved from Chicago to a small town in Iowa and bought 40 acres and I had my own sanctuary in that barn.

You can believe that there are people that you are related to that are not totally awful. I have no love for my parents, but I did love my mother’s parents. They were good people that showed me love and kindness. I believe I patterned my marriage after their marriage. They really cared about each other. My grandmother was heartbroken when my grandfather died.

I understand getting tired about thinking about the past. I started talk therapy in August, and I am working on grief with a wonderful book. I was lucky and our family doctor recommended a good therapist. It is bringing stuff up for me and sometimes I feel a little scattered and sad. I had a lot of loss around the holidays 2 years in a row and of course all the holiday stuff on TV and everywhere can make one a little sad to know that you don’t have a family that cares about you. But one must carry on. I know I am strong and brave and I am doing the hard work of healing my pain.

We have a simple celebration too. Our family is mostly of the 4 legged kind. 12 cats and 5 horses. I am so blessed to have these animals in my life.

I too believe in karma. I know I was put into my FOO to become the person I am. I like that person. She is just fine. Sometimes it is easier not to have a sibling. In my case, neither myself nor my husband like our sisters. They are both narcs. We have put up permanent boundaries now. They are not worth having contact. They are both mean.

I hope you have a good holiday season. Take care of yourself and since you are metaphysical you know that you are never really alone.

Andria

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