Mother Daughter Relationship Nightmares

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dysfunctional mother daughter relationship

It took me a long time to pick up the threads and accept the true truth about my dysfunctional mother daughter relationship with my mother. This post is another snap shot.

When I was 16 years old the Doctor recommend that I take the birth control pill as a result of some medical problem that I was having with my menstrual cycle. (After I had been sexually assaulted by my mother’s boyfriend when I was 14, I got my period every three weeks for a year and then I skipped if for a year. Trauma often messes with a girl that way.) I had a lot of complications surrounding that whole thing, so the pill was a known way to try and regulate the cycle.

 I had trouble remembering to take them and so I kept them in the kitchen where I would see them.  Since in my mind they were about a medical problem I honestly didn’t see any reason why I couldn’t keep them in the kitchen of our own home. But my mother had other ideas about it. 

My mother accused me of sending out “sexual messages” to her boyfriends.

Lots of men stayed the night throughout my teenage years and often my mother’s current boyfriend would be at the kitchen table when I came downstairs in the morning.  I always took my pill first thing in the morning.  My mother accused me of “flaunting it” in front of her boyfriends. I remember being embarrassed and confused by her accusations. She didn’t sit me down and explain that maybe I should take the pill privately, that it might give the wrong idea if I had my birth control pills in the kitchen like a normal mother might do. Instead she accused me of purposely taking them in front of HER men. She said I was flaunting that I was on the pill. And although I am angry about this today, I had NO idea what the heck she was getting at back then. 

I don’t know how old I was when I realized that my mother was accusing me of telling her boyfriends or hinting to them that I was safe from getting pregnant if they wanted to sleep with me too. It seems obvious enough when I write it out today, but honestly, as a 16 and 17 year old girl, I had no idea that was what she was insinuating. The thought of being attracted to one of her asshole boyfriends and the realization that she thought I really was attracted to them, makes me sick when I think about it now. 

I put this whole puzzle together when I realized that she really did blame me for the time that her boyfriend came in my room when I was 14. Realizing that not only did she believe that I had attracted and even enticed one of her boyfriends to come into my bedroom, she thought I would do it again. She accused me of giving signals to her other boyfriends.  Even writing this I still feel stunned that the mother daughter relationship that I had with my mother was THAT dysfunctional. And I am equally stunned at how long it took me to figure this out! I had all these memories of being devalued by my mother, but I separated them into single incidents, and never looked at them as one whole picture.

 The realization of these things together triggered all kinds of jumbled emotions and feelings in me.

~I felt and sometimes still feel angry, a red hot embarrassed anger; that my own mother would think about me in this way ~ that my own mother still thinks of me that way.

~I feel sick to my stomach that she thought I would “want” one of her disgusting bed mates.

~It made me feel dirty that she really believed that I honestly went after her boyfriends.

~And the bottom line emotion – the one that I avoided feeling and avoided admitting even to myself, was a deep excruciating black and hopeless hurt. It was the pain of a confused and bewildered teenage child, who was molested and sexually assaulted in the night in her sleep, and then blamed for it by her own mother and then for the next few years, was accused of trying to steal her mother’s boyfriends again. I can’t even find the words to express this horrific and degrading truth about how she regarded me.

I could not comprehend this reality for many years even when I began to realize the truth. This was my “MOTHER” who thought this way about me and in reality I was only a child ~ HER CHILD. I couldn’t get my head around it and I understand today how I separated all the incidents and indications as a way of coping with being regarded in this extremely devaluing way and as a way of not facing it. I can see how dissociative identity disorder really worked for me here. It was a way of keeping the memories separate from each other. One single incident is easy to brush off as “well my mother wasn’t perfect, she is only human after all” but all of them together has a different conclusion. A conclusion about our mother daughter relationship that I couldn’t face before.

I kept hoping that my mother would realize that she made a mistake about me, and that she would see me for who I really was and that she would love me but that didn’t happen. I kept trying harder to please her, and I kept each story disconnected from the other stories as a way of surviving the knowledge that my own mother didn’t care about me. 

Please share your thoughts and feelings or whatever else you would like to say;

Connecting all the threads;                                                             

Darlene Ouimet

The Emerging from Broken bookThe Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing” is ready for download! If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, get this book today! This 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to healing.  Get yours here through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

P.S. Writing this post made me angry but it also set me free a little bit more. I connected a few new “dots” and realized a few more things about my dissociative identity disorder and my mental recovery. I hope that you can take this story and apply it to a situation in your own life, because so many of us don’t have issues like this with our mothers although we have situations like this that lead to an unhealthy survival mode.

WARNING: The comments on this post regarding sexual abuse are extremely graphic ~ some may find them triggering.  ~ Darlene

119 response to "Mother Daughter Relationship Nightmares"

  1. By: Londy Posted: 19th January 2016

    My life is hell i dn’t knw what have i done i’ve hurt by my mother since i was a little girl i never find peace she was alwayz accusing mi of the things i didn’t do .At the age of seven i was raped by my mother’s relative and she end-up beating me said i wanted him to raped me and the things get worse because i didn’t have someone to turn too, is like i was alone i end-up growing up with no cares about mi no one understand what i was going through accept my sister bt she was not staying with so that was not enough for me to cry on her thing get very worse when i turn 16 got i find the boyfriend who promise to love me no matter what but he was 10years and above to me and things happen when he sleep with me and it was a once off thing that made me pregnant in 1998 and run away never look back .Made me suffer even worse mylife was hell like i ever imagine bt i did rise my son at home i was like a dust bin on that time no one to turn too .I end-up dating again fall pregnant again in 2002 my boyfriend was there for me but he got arrested after my son was three months old i end-up doing washing for people and thing at home were worse and on that time my mother was not doing my father’s washing so i end-up doing it myself cause my father was good man the problem he scared of my mother cause he my suffering so he tried to give mi money but not big like it was like R50 sometimes R100 wow my mothey finds out about that she swear me that i am sleeping with my father that was heavy in my shoulders in short time my sister died my mother accused me of killing her another one dies again she accused me again and told people that all her doghters died she have another on that time i decide to leave my family where i didn’t have someone and there i started my life i did rewrite my matric find boyfriend all it took me 11 years to get pregnancy cause i was scared that he will run away i am married to him now we still staying together but i still got messages tell me i killed my siblings and i got the brother that is siek and they sending messages that it me who’s killing him what must i do because i am not asking them anything serious i need help i am trying to forget everything that happen in the past i go to visit them and i love them cause at the end they are my family.

  2. By: Lara Posted: 18th January 2015

    Goolyia – what an amazing survivor you are! So many who have endured what you have had to would be severely damaged or possibly dead by now, of overdose or suicide. You are truly a warrior. What you need to do now if you want to heal the way you deserve is to cut ALL ties with your mother and never look back. This is a very sick human being who is preying on your conditioned guilt like an evil vampire, and you need to remember – you are the adult now, not the frightened child. You have the power and the absolute right to make that evil woman disappear from your life and your children’s lives forever. She has not earned anything like the right to invade your life again, and it is time she was left to die alone, having to finally face the consequences of her miserable, wasted existence. Find whatever resources you can, from outside and within, and make a vow to banish that person from your life so you can finally heal and see what a sad little meaningless waste of human energy this woman has been to everyone. She will never face the consequences of her actions so long as you keep letting her come back. Let her go for good – I promise you it will be the best thing you ever did!

  3. By: Goolyia Posted: 11th January 2015

    I’m 51 now and still suffer of the consequences of abusive childhood. My mother used to take a sexual pleasure to insult and torture me, then 5 y.o. till my fathers death, when I was 14, she stopped to beat me. but continue to insult. I was taught to quess her mood and wishes without words and immediately satisfy them, in other way will be cruelly beaten. She called me: “my dog”. “my donkey”. “my bitch”, blaiming constantly for everything. She told me: “I have a right to do whatever I want to you, including murder”. I was taught to take care my younger sister from 5 y.o. wash bedsheets from 6 y.o., she complained her friends I don’t wash it properly, clean the house every single day from 8 y.o. to buy groseries and cook from 9, and complitely responsible for everything from 12 y.o. and still beaten day after day and insulted constantly except of night.
    My father never knew anything, Mom demanded to hide my tears and fear properly, in other way she will kill me. When I was 9 y.o. I started to wash the windows every week, staying on the edge of the window-ledge, and withold my fear and wash it properly by hands. When I was 12 y.o. and had a breasts, she laashed my out with her old bra blaiming for having so big breasts. Even though I was too small for my age, she started to blame me for flirting with her grown up brother and other relatives, then livivng with us students. They used a toilet, and my mother beat me in front of them for feces left by them in order to put a shame on them! I must clean the toilet by hand without glooves, wash the floor by hand, and wash entire family’s clothes by hand. I never had a time for myself, even didn’t existed. She demanded always be around her to be ready to please whatever and whenever she wanted.
    Often time she told me” I don’t need any reason to beat you, find youself”. She cut off all carrier opportunities I had. I was invited to ballet school, she blamed me for sexual desire to dance and have sex wth ballet dancers. I was invited to Moscow and St-Petersburg twice, but she kept me as a personal slave and punchbag forever. Even when I got married and gave birth a daughter she came to me to require to come to serve her. Now she is 75, need my attention and care, and counts herself as an perfect mother!

  4. By: DXS Posted: 7th June 2013

    I had to have an OB/GYN exam at age 12 due to issues with my periods. Mom did not prepare me for this. She KNEW, but did not prepare me. The nurse kept asking me to take off my clothes. I kept refusing. Once I got my clothes off, I was NOT NICE to the (male) doctor. Any question I was asked, I SNARLED the answer. I was traumatized! Then, my mom had the AUDACITY to SCOLD me for “being rude to the doctor.” WHAT?!!!! Could she not see that I was traumatized? Why is this my fault? Ok, this isn’t as bad as Darlene’s situation, but it ranks right up there as SHE SHOULD HAVE PREPARED ME!

  5. By: Jodie Posted: 20th October 2012

    I am 36. My mother is still with the man that molested me. She never believed me and still doesn’t to this day. As recently as a year ago, he was still hitting on me and making sexual innuendos until I stopped him from doing it again. I will NOT be treated like that. I cut off ties with my mother. It sounds like you need to as well.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 20th October 2012

      Hi Jodie
      Welcome to emerging from broken.
      Good for you for standing up for yourself! As for me, I have not had a relationship with my mother for years.
      Hugs, Darlene

  6. By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 18th September 2012

    My life got better when I faced the truth about the “adverse circumstances” and placed the blame right back where it belonged. The pain went away when I validated it. I refuse to see the things that happened to me as a way for me to have become stronger as though those things were “meant to be”. That for me was just a way to delay the real recovery.
    Hugs, DArlene

  7. By: Renee Posted: 20th August 2012

    Thank you, all, for sharing your stories and your honesty. For years I felt that I was all alone with the whole world against me. No one would believe me or fully understand how I felt when I would tell them how I was verbally devalued, humiliated, wrongfully blamed, and discriminated by family and non-family. The wrong-doers would put on a facade in public so people would just dismiss it with a ‘get over it’ or ‘bury the hatchet’ attitude. However, I know that if something similar were to happen to them, they would want the whole world to stop and address their concern. I guess many people are just selfish like that.

    I can certainly relate to many of your comments. The only reliable source I’ve ever known and the only one I need is within myself. I can’t control other people’s actions and, therefore, am not accountable for them. I can only control my actions and reactions. When people verbally attacked me or blamed me for their problems it was out of fear. They were afraid to face their problems and insecurities so they were trying to take it out on me. They would gain up on me, bully me and verbally attack me with very hateful and hurtful remarks, and then call me crazy. They
    would accuse me of things that they were actually guilty of. As a child their comments did not make sense to me but I still began to question my self worth. Then I learned that we are all worthy of love, peace and happiness.

    Life is about choices. Although I choose not to lower myself to their level by seeking revenge since two wrongs don’t make a right, it is okay to separate from destructive people regardless of the relationship. I was so angry for years at many people and still get angry at times at some but learned that my anger only hurts me, and not necessarily them. I prefer to spend most of my time alone which is when I am at peace but have strengthened myself a great deal during my adulthood and have met some nice people along the way. Maybe someday I’ll be stong enough to trust and get into a serious relationship but for now, I enjoy my own company.

    Adverse circumstances are meant to teach us something and what doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger. If we learn just to retain the knowledge from the lesson (positive) and remove the pain and suffering that resulted from it(negative), then our lives will only get better. Thank you.

  8. By: Deborah Helm Posted: 25th May 2011

    God Bless you my friend, I hope you know now, it was in no way your fault. And as a mother, I do not understand these sick bit-hes,who stand by these men, in lieu of 6 ft over them !!

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 25th May 2011

      Thank you Deborah,
      and welcome to Emerging from Broken!
      Yes, I know it is not my fault! Glad you are here!
      hugs, Darlene

  9. By: Barbara Posted: 28th February 2011

    I was diagnosed with PCOS when i was 9 (in 1966) and doctors treated me like a curiousity because my period was always messed up. Now in my 50’s PCOS has caused me to be morbidly obese. I went through 12 years of infertility treatment to have my children and never told my mother because of how she treated me and what she accused me of.

    CLICK ON WHAT IS PCOS: http://pcosinconnection.com/
    I’ve had or have EVERY ONE of those symptoms at some point in my life.

    My mother would walk around whispering that I was a “freak” and “smelled bad” all the time. She was always looking to farm me out to a man asap. Every breakup, i was blamed for (because of her I seemed to attract nothing but narcissists & psychopaths)!!! Before I left to move to NYC after college (which she tried to prevent include a HUGE scene at the train station where she cut up my hands!!!) she set me up with 5 guys from her office – ALL OF THEM GAY – and told me to “change them back.” Unbelievable!

    in 1998 my PCOS Doctor (who I’d started seeing a few months before and who FINALLY started treating my disorder properly at age 41!!) was interviewed about it in a national magazine. I got the magazine and left it out. My mother was visiting and I saw her pick up and read the article.

    Darlene, I swear it was like watching a balloon DEFLATE!!! All the blame and shame she had placed on ME for years for something that was genetic and not my fault – well I could see her SHOCK. SHOCK!! Of course, ZERO apology and she didn’t talk to me for 2 days. Then she started in saying I ‘took too many vitamins’ and ‘should have been born a man’ or I ‘wasn’t trying hard enough to be cured!’ (there is NO CURE)

    Even once I was proved innocent – i was still guilty and unworthy… and always would be. It was no longer worth even trying for me and that’s about the time I went no contact with her.

  10. By: Lara Posted: 10th January 2011

    Emily –
    Your post made me cry. I am so happy to see someone starting the New Year with such a clear understanding of the poisonous dynamics she has been wrestling with, and how to free herself from them. It is such an inspiration, and I’m sure you are discovering, as I have, that the more you genuinely love and support yourself, the more loving and supportive people seem to be coming into your life, including the brave, wonderful men and women on this forum. I wish you the very best, most peaceful, healthy New Year and one filled with as much joy as you can possibly take in, and I hope you learn to live with Joy as a normal state of being, rather than the old paradigm of pain, fear and eternal vigilance. Love and Blessings – Lara

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 10th January 2011

      Emily,
      I love this comment… so full of insight and health and so full of the truth about this cycle. This is the cycle and you have also described coming out of that cycle. Thank you so much for sharing.
      Hugs, Darlene

      Lara,
      I agree with you too. Thanks for your comment,
      Hugs, Darlene

  11. By: Emily Posted: 9th January 2011

    Facing my mother’s rejection,death threat if I talked of the sex abuse was harder to face than the sex abuse.Still working on them both. I think the lack of a loving supportive mother was as equally damaging as the repeated rapes of the grandfather. I flip between being super hurt, super angry, and realizing that mom was abused herself. Her mother did not protect her either. Repression, silence a family legacy. I feel sad at times for my mother, I feel sad I was not nurtured, I feel sad she was not nurtured, I feel sad and lonely because my sisters did not care for me either, probably because mom didn’t.I feel sad there is so little family connection. I feel sad that my mother does not want to change. I feel sad that I have to stay away from family to stay healthy. I am happy that I cut ties, so I no longer have to dig myself out of a hole of depression after every visit. Nothing is easy when I think of my past and my family. Every view is conflicted. What I thought was love was a desperate attempt to earn love, acceptance, make something positive happen. If reality and truth are not acknowledged, it cannot be changed. As bad as facing so much ugly truth has been, actually having some life has made it worth it. I am healthier, and have some life/emotional skills to keep building on that health and continue to grow in health. Whoopee!! The misery my mother and family gave me is being replaced with peace, contentment, and I didn’t know if I could ever honestly say it-JOY!!!

  12. By: Pinky Posted: 22nd October 2010

    Thanks Lara and Darlene!

  13. By: Laramar Posted: 22nd October 2010

    Pinky –
    Thanks for your clear understanding of what I was trying to say. Having lost my late husband to cancer I know far too well the battle you must be going through, on top of any of the abuse issues, and I deeply admire your courage and hope you are recovering physically as well as mentally.

    For my purposes, in terms of my healing journey, breaking ties as a means of setting clear boundaries has been invaluable, so I would be one of those who side with you in the belief that the most damaging thing we can do to our wounded warrior is to keep bringing these people back into our lives. Much good has come out of my being very limited in my contact with my mother and sister, and in fact my sister, who still resists the truth about my molestation, avoids me entirely.

    I secretly suspect, knowing how promiscuous my father was, that my sister was molested too, and I am the open wound that might trigger that memory in her, so she just stays away. This is fine by me. The most interesting aspect of healing is how little those childhood fears of abandonment mean to me now, and how easily I could live without ever seeing any of them again. This isn’t cold-hearted dismissal – rather a clear-headed appraisal of the damage that was done and how not to get damaged ever again. I commend you Pinky for coming to that same realization – it definitely takes a lot of strength initially, but it has been very worth it for me.

  14. By: Laramar Posted: 19th October 2010

    Darlene –
    Thanks for everything. And it’s so great to hear that you finally met yourself and you really like you. We are all working towards just that, and we really like you too!
    Blessings – Lara

  15. By: Fi MacLeod exNicholson Posted: 19th October 2010

    Hi Laramar, yes it was extremely brutal, thank you for acknowledging that.

    Yes I’m having to redefine family. My friends, fellow survivors, this forum, other safe people, are all part of that new family I’m defining and creating for myself.

  16. By: Laramar Posted: 19th October 2010

    Fi –
    I really hurt for what you have gone through – it seems truly brutal and violent. Thank you for your open and honest posts.

    I think it is something we need to look at as a society, this need to create (through great physical and psychological effort) a scapegoat who will take all the arrows of our embittered collective rage, keeping us from actually examining ourselves as the origins of the dysfunction. Currently it is played out by the politicians running for government who waste time attacking their opponents rather than standing on a good and honest record.

    In my mother’s case, she still insists to this day that we were the best family raised by the best parent in the world. Meanwhile, her oldest boy (my brother) committed suicide due to her denial, I have serious PTSD issues, my sister is bipolar and in severe, near dangerous denial just like my mother, and my last two siblings are as far away from the whole thing as they can possibly get.

    Yet my mother will rant and rave about the government, and men, and the horrible world in general as if it is all that outside evil that has caused the problems in her life and in our family. And she will still barely honor my story as far as my dad’s molestation, but has gone from complete resistance to saying “at least I’m fairly sure I was able to keep him away from your sisters.”

    The slight consolation I get from this, and I do mean slight, is that my siblings no longer side with my mother about us being a perfect family of which I was the black sheep. The liar. The scapegoat who ran away when no-one else would. Now I am the one who might actually have been telling the truth all along, through my strong insistence on telling my side of the story and my running away, if nothing else. At this point I don’t really care, but I find it interesting how time can eventually catch up to the truth.

    Fi, as you and I are learning, we weren’t bad, we weren’t crazy, we weren’t stupid, we weren’t wrong, and we didn’t deserve any of this. We were the unfortunate victims of bad timing, born into families of generational dysfunction who, because of our honesty and intelligence, forced them to have to look at themselves. That is our ultimate crime, and it carries a lifelong sentence. Ugliness does not like mirrors.

    But we do have new family, such as those on this forum, and we no longer live in the prisons of our old families. I think if I had to say there was anything good about what I went through and am currently going through, it is finding a new term and enactment of Family, one that encompasses true support and understanding, and I am very grateful, no matter how long it took. My partner and I are learning how to navigate my triggers in a very positive, meaningful way, and I no longer feel like I am damaged goods and too much to deal with.

  17. By: Fi MacLeod exNicholson Posted: 19th October 2010

    Yes I was the “black sheep” of the family, the “scapegoat” for all that went wrong, the one who was sacrificed for the common good, the one who was everyone’s personal punch bag, the one who was wrong, the one who was evil, the one who was crazy, the one who was stupid, the one who deserved everything done to her because she was bad. No one else was, just me.

  18. By: Elizabeth Posted: 19th October 2010

    Barbara- you have hit the nail on the head for me.

    You said something to the effect of your mother basically treated you as if you lived your whole life hurting her on purpose. That is what I see looking back- No matter what was going on with me all my life, it was always a direct ‘hit’ on my mother.

    Even when I went to live with my mother with a 3 week old infant after leaving her dad, and was scared, hurt, and stressed to the max, my mother viewd everything I did and said as an attack against HER. It literally seemed to be all about her.

    When I was diagnosed two years later with a chronic physical illness, and was exhausted and ill, my mother said things like-I was in my room in a ‘snit’ when actually I was trying to get as much rest as I could.Just an example.

    Years later, after going thru rehab with her after her head injury,resulting in her increased paranoia of me, during which he told all our family and neighbors and friends that I was being cruel to her, and after being stalked by a man who came into our lives who my mom thought had a crush on her, being there for her after she was dagnosed with cancer, which lasted for 6 years, after taking over the renovations of her home after she accidentally set her house on fire,and trying to get my daughter away from a church whose leaders would not leave her alone…I was exhausted. I dealt hands on with all of these situations.

    I had a near breakdown after my mother’s male friend stalked my daughter and I when I objected to his presence in our lives.What I needed was to get my daughter and myself away from the situation. My mom and her friend somehow managed to get me committed for a week.Thatin itself is a whole story that Maggie and Fi prob. would understand the mechanics of more than anyone else here. it was frightening.

    After all that then my sister jumped on the bandwagon, telling everyone she knew, that I was ‘crazy’ and had ‘demons’, and oh, what a burden SHE had, dealing with all of this.And SHE had not lifted a finger to help my daughter and I get away from our stalker- mom’s friend.Said she didn’t have room for us in her home.Later my sister told her friend that I was’just jealous’ of her because she was normal and healthy and I was not.

    I understand narcissm far better than I want to

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