More on Mother Daughter Dysfunctional Relationship

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Mommy Please….

 

“If your progress in recovery is thwarted each time you see your family, if you revert to being a subservient or a fearful child, then you may need to stop seeing them for a while. Most importantly, you may need time to develop your own separate “self”, since it may be impossible for you to maintain a sense of individuality when you are around them.” The Right to Innocence – Beverly Engel

Lisa, one of my readers, made the following comment on the post “welcoming a new year of emotional healing” in regards to drawing boundaries with her mother; “What if there is no me without her?” this post is dedicated to that comment and it applies to all relationship where equal value is out of balance.

I was a really good victim to a lot of people. That means that I conformed and complied to many. I did what they wanted. I was who they wanted me to be. It makes me angry to think of how compliant that I was and that it was still never enough.

I lost myself and I got sick. As I got older, the overall dysfunction that was so familiar to me grew, and I got sicker. This was especially true in the dysfunctional mother daughter relationship with my own mother.

Looking back I realize that in most of my relationships,  the interest that many people had in me was pretty much only about what I could do for them and about how much they could make me into who they wanted me to be. Sometimes that is about power and control. Sometimes it is about ownership and servant hood. Whatever the motive is, it is not healthy and it is not about love. And when we continue to live in that kind of relational dysfunction, the more we lose ourselves.  In my case, the farther I got from my identity, the more depression and dissociation manifested. I lived only to live for others.

In the case of my mother, I think she wanted children because she was looking for a love source of her own. And so she created a love source. And she might have loved those babies to the best of her ability but as we grew older, something happened. She had expectations. She wanted approval and validation and she wanted it from the love source that she created. And when people get love mixed up with ownership, they believe they have a right to get what they need or want from those other people. But love and relationship doesn’t work that way and because she didn’t really know love herself, the whole plan failed.

The foundation of our relationship (overtime) became about my usefulness to her. When I was little my unconditional love and acceptance of HER was all she needed, but as I grew into an individual who had my own individual ideas, I think she felt threatened. And she did things that if I put up with them would prove to her that I still loved her. AND it seemed that she was very mad at me when I could not fill the void in her and make her feel good about herself. She put me down. She reminded me in strange ways that I was nothing. (and somehow I heard that I was nothing “without her”.) She did mean things that when accepted by me seemed to make her feel better because she equated them with love.

I got away from her, but it was never far enough. She sucked the joy out of every accomplishment that I ever had with her sometimes subtle, sometimes obvious put downs and questions designed to devalue me. She mentioned my weight. She put down my husband, my home, and my choices. She made inappropriate sexual comments about me in front of others. I was always on edge around her. And I never thought to confront her about doing it. She even commented that my breasts used to be so nice before I had children. WHY does someone feel the need to say something like that?

When I was small she taught me that I needed her, and I did. But she never taught me that I was capable of being an individual. She never wanted me to stop NEEDING her because it restored her value. I believed that I needed her to survive and even to exist.

And one day about a year after I began to take my life back by doing the foundational work that I write about all the time in this blog, I started to stand up to her, just a bit and just in tiny ways at first. But the more that I grew, the more I realized that my mother and I had a very dysfunctional mother daughter relationship. And eventually I stood up to her in bigger ways. And the tension between us was getting really bad. Then came the day when I said NO MORE. And this time I meant it. My boundary was not in my mouth anymore, it was in my heart now. She knew that I was serious, and she withdrew.

At first I was confused. I could not believe that she didn’t care enough to even try to discuss it. But I had lost my “usefulness to her” and what I didn’t realize is that part of my usefulness to her was in how she got to put me down. I felt so sorry for her too; for most of my life I tried to restore her value, but no one can do that for someone else. (I have written about this stuff under the mother and daughter relationship tabs.) The problem is that my purpose in her life wasn’t about love, value and equality. The way that she treated me wasn’t fair to me and it was when I finally put myself first, something we are told we must never do, that I found my healing.  

When some time had gone by, my mother called and she wanted to try to mend fences. The problem was that she wanted to start from that day and asked if we could “just put it all behind us” and I said no. That is how we had always done things in the past, with me backing down. With me saying that her treatment of me was okay with me, (what I thought was forgiveness) and with me laying there broken and bleeding on the ground once again doing what she wanted and being who she wanted me to be. Always about her, always taking care of her; never about me, never taking care of me. She asked me what my terms were and I said equal respect. That was the last time I talked to her.

As I said, this time my boundary was drawn in my heart. I finally knew that I was worth equal respect, and that I have real value, equal value and that she doesn’t own me.  I finally knew that her life is not my responsibility. She failed me as a mother, but I am not going to fail myself anymore.

I am not afraid anymore to live as me because I found out that the value that they gave me was a lie. I am far more valuable then they ever wanted me to find out about.  I found out that I do not need anyone else in order to exist. I am not defined by anyone else today. AND I am not an extension of my mother.

Please share your thoughts. One of the biggest search phrases used to find Emerging from Broken are the key words “dysfunctional mother daughter relationship”. This is a huge issue in our society. We are not alone in this.

Exposing Truth, One snapshot at a time

Darlene Ouimet

See Lisa’s comment #19  on Welcoming a new year of Emotional Healing

Related posts: Mother Daughter Relationship Nighmares

Mother daughter relationship ~ My poor Mom

252 response to "More on Mother Daughter Dysfunctional Relationship"

  1. By: Jackie Posted: 13th November

    Hi Darlene,
    Appreciate your blog. I know this is a very old thread but its a very present problem for me. I have accepted that I need to make changes to become more self protective with my mother and allow myself to begin healing. I wonder if you have any advice on overcoming the hurt and anger that comes with this acceptance? I have done some work in therapy (and perhaps just need more time), but was wondering if you had any tips for those moments when the pain of “why doesnt she care enough to try?” becomes overwhelming. Thanks for sharing, we aren’t alone!

  2. By: Kelly Posted: 18th November

    Were do i start? For me my childhood was terrible, from such a young age i remember being screamed at constantly. There was MUCH physical abuse, i mean physical, i remember early on my mom literally throwing me down and kicking me and being spanked everyday after school. Never was there A mother daughter kind of relationship. All she needed was her power and control met. At the age of 12 i started having my monthly period and my sister had to tell me what this was, i remember being scared to death.

    What kind of mom allows there daughter to bleed for 3months straight and never takes them to the doctor? I am older now but i juzt cant stand to be around her, she is ill now and i feel nothing! I had 2 sisters 1 passed away and the other one cannot remember her childhood. It was unbearable.

    She was never kind, nurturing or mother like, can someone tell me what was wrong with her? Even now, she continues to try to exert her power but no one goes around her for very long.

    Kelly

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 25th November

      Hi Kelly,
      Welcome to EFB ~ I am glad you are here!
      I hope you will keep reading ~ there is so much info here (450 articles).
      Thanks for sharing,
      hugs, Darlene

  3. By: boxergirl Posted: 30th April

    One of the most frightening things my mother used to do is in the middle of a fight she would scream “YOU DON’T LOVE ME!!!” I would say that I did and she would insist “NO YOU DON’T!!!!!”

    I remembered this when I was reading in the article how some mothers create their children to be “love sources.” I think this was the case for me.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 30th April

      Hi Boxergirl
      Welcome to Emerging from Broken
      Your mothers words are one of those strange things said (hurled at us) that don’t make sense.. that statement suggests that you would have to ‘prove your love’ by agreeing with her and therefore NOT fighting/arguing. As though loving someone means that we don’t have our own opinion.
      Glad you are here, thanks for sharing,
      hugs, Darlene

  4. By: Nique Posted: 25th November

    Hi my name is Nique this website is a blessing from above. I just recently loss my mother 2 weeks ago she was finally buried last Tuesday after much family drama ???? from my half bipolar brother and her BPD sister whom she didn’t speak to for 15 years but came around only when my mother was doing bad. Anyway my mother battled with a drug addiction after my half sister was almost killed in a car accident and nasty divorce to my then step father who by the way has a temper and is violent. March of 2012 by bipolar half sister committed suicide, my mother went down hill afterwards. I had discovered she was psychologically scared from some things that happened in her childhood and abusive marriage. I always tried to convince her to seek professional help. As you can imagine growing up in that household was tough because not only was she an addict she would often talk about my teeth, acne, and make things up about me to her girlfriends. For years she played me and my siblings against each other. It wasn’t until I got older and wiser I realized how dysfunctional she and her family is. Im blossoming???? to a beautiful woman although I still suffer with self esteem issues and anxiety. I forgive my mother and no love ? fails sometimes but I refuse to deal with her side of the family anymore

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 3rd December

      Hi Nique
      Welcome to EFB! I think you will find a lot of understanding and community here.
      Thanks for sharing, I hope you will visit the conversations on the home page.
      hugs, Darlene

  5. By: Stephanie Posted: 15th July

    Hi Darlene,
    Your article brought tears to my eyes at many points as I can relate. I found your article because I am now an adult trying to recover from dysfunctional family. Unfortunatley, i do not have the means to move out on my own and currently experiencing the wrath of my mother every now and then. The rage in my heart becomes unmanagable. As a last resort, ive tried to get my dad on board to have my mother realize she needs help. I also want relief to express myself all the awful things shes done to me since i was a child, and now no relationship and bitter ignorance at 27. I have 3 other siblings. The youngest is 13. The two middle children are now experiencing the same of dismay. Just wondering if you would have any advice for me … Im trying really hard to break free.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 16th July

      Hi Stephanie
      Welcome to EFB ~ It is really hard when we are still IN the situation. I am glad that you are here; this website is full of hope and support!
      hugs, Darlene

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