Manipulative and Controlling People and some Control Tactics


control tactics of manipulative peopleSome people act as though they believe that there is not enough love in the world to go around. They act as though they need to make sure that they are getting all your love and no one else is getting any of it as though if you love anyone else these controlling people will “miss out” on some of your love.  In the past I put a lot of effort into trying to make these people feel like my love for them would never run out because I mistakenly believed that my love for them, could save them and if I could save them, they would love me back and that would save me.

And at the same time it seems as though these controlling and manipulative people also believe and go to great length to communicate, that if you love yourself, you will be spending your love allowance on yourself instead of on them. Heaven forbid that happens! This “don’t love yourself” concept is taught in tons of ways always with the threat of becoming a horrible selfish person if you do anything to nurture or acknowledge your own value.

They picked on the way that I dressed. They picked at the way I did my hair. They picked at me all the time to make sure that I was feeling bad about myself. To make sure that I was trying harder. To make sure that my self esteem was kept low. To make sure that I was always questioning myself and not questioning them. And all of it was presented as thought their judgement was “for my own good”. That this “picking at me” and criticizing me was going to make me a better person. This grooming started young. I was ready to listen to all new controllers and manipulators that came into my life when I entered my adult years.

We all know these people; they told me what to believe about other people. This is known as the “divide and conquer tactic” They warned me about certain people as though I was too stupid to make up my own mind. They turned me against my own siblings and picked at the character of my best friends. They discredited my co-workers. They insinuated that I was crazy and naive if I like someone they don’t like. They told me that I was “different” when I was around these other people making me believe that they were only concerned for my welfare, or my reputation.

But perhaps they have a different motive.

As long as I was questioning everyone else and hero worshiping and depending upon only “them” they had me where they wanted me.  As long as I was looking at myself and what was wrong with me, I would never look at the ones who were constantly picking at me! I would not listen to anyone who warned me about them, because I would not give any credit to all the people that they already discredited. I was so worried about all these “dangerous people” they were warning me about, that I never noticed that my oppressors, my CAPTORS were the ones that I needed to be afraid of in the first place.

It is easier for controllers to control if the object of their desire (ME) is discounting and suspicious; questioning all others including myself.

I think about this concept often. When I was coming out of the fog around the way that I had always been regarded as “nothing” and “no one important” I had this profound realization that the fear these people had was that if I realized my own value, I would simultaneously realize how PATHETIC they ~ the controllers and manipulators in my life were. If I realized that they were wrong about me, then I would see them for who they really are; controlling, manipulative evil and pathetic people. 

That was pretty much how it worked too. When the fog lifted and my eyes were opened ~ when I began to see things through the eyes of truth ~ that was pretty much the conclusion that I came to. Those people were pathetic. I was shocked and disgusted when I realize the tactics they used to accomplish their own control and manipulation over me. They were evil and manipulative ~ pathetic because their own self esteem was so low that they had to control me by insuring that my focus was always ON ME, believing that the problem WAS ME and making sure that I believed I was not smart enough on my own to realize who was good or bad aside from them. They were making sure that I never noticed the truth about “them”.

Today I have plenty of love to share and I don’t throw it away on people who only desire to own me for their own manipulative and controlling reasons.

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Exposing Truth; one snapshot at a time,

Darlene Ouimet

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Related Posts ~ I vowed I would never be like my Mother 

Dealing with People who talk down to me

Controllers and Manipulative people don’t question themselves

Evil Manipulative People and Emotional Damage

71 response to "Manipulative and Controlling People and some Control Tactics"

  1. By: Cindy Posted: 30th November

    This is exactly what my son is going through with his “baby mama’s” family. They have convinced him I was a horrible mother, was never there for him, etc., when in truth, I was the only one there for him. When things went wrong, he came home to his mother. I supported him, encouraged him and praised him his entire life. They have managed to brainwash him into believing I’m the evil one, to the point we haven’t spoken in two years and my grandson is being kept from me. I pray every day that God will help him see the light and the truth of what this other family is doing to him. If the mental abuse they have him under isn’t enough, he went from a casual drinker with his friends to a DUI, jail time and rehab. I’m told all the time that he will eventually see the truth, but that doesn’t stop me from worrying about him constantly.

  2. By: Amber Posted: 8th January

    Irene, I too took all the criticism and altered myself to become more lovable. It didn’t work of course. As you said, it was impossible.

    Heather, yes, Mother Gothal for me too!

    Finally Free I second everything you wrote to Karen!

  3. By: Irene Posted: 8th January

    Wow, memories, smashed between the pages of my mind. lol It was a difficult existence. The constant picking, advising, critiquing. Me too, what I wore, the way I did my hair. Even the distance between my kneecaps when I sat down. Not only from my parents, but also from my older sibs. The truly pathetic thing about it was me. I would take it all in as consultation on what I could do to make them like me, love me. Now that I am older I realize that that what an impossiblity. They werent capable of Love. They loved the picking, advising, shaming, blaming, critiquing. And at our older ages, with Mom and Dad both gone, the game is still afoot. Only I no longer hung around to see what I should do next to get the love, support and approval that would never come. Thanks for the message Darlene

  4. By: Heather Posted: 8th January

    This reminds me of Tangled. (Sorry my daughter watched it all the time for years) But at the end when she says to Mother Gothal, “It was you all along. You were the one that I should have been afraid of.” It was a very profound moment for me. 🙂

  5. By: Amber Posted: 8th January

    Yikes Karen!! That astounds me that your mother said that to you and what a truth leak! Then she follows up with a campaign to belittle you when she realized that she hadn’t gotten the ” results” she wanted. Wow! My mother was a belittler too and probably had the same goals yours did but stopped short of commenting on my self esteem. She did however make nasty comments if my husband showed any feelings towards me in front of her, like putting his arm around me. I guess she didn’t love me and didn’t want anyone else to either. That’s a truth leak as well.

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