This morning I had to give my husband a ride to the tractor in the field a few miles away. He drove there and while we chatted away I paid absolutely no attention to where we were going. After I dropped him off, I proceeded to make my way out of the fields and back to the road. It is really foggy here this morning, and believe it or not, I got lost in the fields. I couldn’t figure out where the gates were to get me the heck out of there. Did I mention that I have been driving in those 3 felids for over 20 years? I actually had to phone my husband on his cell, so that he could tell me how to find my way out of the fields! Worse than that; I had to call him twice! I was kind of feeling embarrassed, but then I had this thought about my life, my personal growth this journey and the fog.
Those fields were very much like my life; I had lived in my own body and thought I had my own mind for over 40 years when suddenly I realized that I was really lost. I was caught in a fog, the same fog that I had been born into all those years ago and because it was so familiar, I couldn’t find my way out. It was what I was used to. I thought I knew who I was, but when I started to make some progress on my recovery, I realized that I didn’t have a clue. I was in unfamiliar territory in my own life. I didn’t know much about me, because I had never been encouraged to BE me. I had been defined by everyone else.
From the start I was groomed by other people’s decisions about what would be best for me. (which had its roots in who and what would be best for THEM, for me to be) I was so used to living this way and so dependent on being who everyone else wanted that I never once thought about who I really was. I was lost in my own life. Deep down each question I asked myself about any decision in front of me had the shadow of another question on top of it; what with they think? What would they want me to do? What will keep me the safest? I couldn’t find MY sense of direction.
I had been looking for someone to tell me that I was okay; all my life I had believed everyone else’s definition of who I was, so it makes sense that I thought that I should look for someone to give me permission to be someone different. I had never made a decision that was not influenced by other people and it didn’t occur to me that I could do that now. I was lost in the fog of my own life.
In my process of coming OUT of the fog, I realized that I didn’t know who I was OR what I was interested in. The truth is that I was not ME yet. I was who they said I was.
Just like I called my husband to help me find my way out of those fields this morning, I found some help and support to get me out of the fog that surrounded every aspect of my life. It took time. I had a whole lifetime of fog to navigate through in order to find the real me. There were lies piggybacking on other lies. Each area of my life had its own fog storm going on. It was like a maze; it had always been there, but I was not aware of being lost in it.
Realizing that I was the only one that could find my way out was scary. Realizing that this was MY work to do, was unsettling. I had always believed that I was who they defined me to be. But when I began to uncover the truth, and when the fog started to lift, realizing that I was the only one who needed to give myself permission to change was empowering! It was the beginning of freedom and wholeness. It was like standing on top of a mountain with bright gold sunshine and pure mountain air blowing through my spirit and cleansing my soul! It was like starting over with a clean slate.
It was waking up and living; and suddenly the work; my work, didn’t seem impossible and I knew that I could navigate those fields of life and find my way back to me.
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