Loneliness in Recovery and Emotional Healing

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Lonely in a crowdAs a child I was aware of a feeling of longing for something and of not being sure what I was longing for. It was as though something was missing but I didn’t know what. I naturally concluded that whatever was missing was in me and my fault.  As an eight year old child, I remember watching the musical movie “Oliver” and “knowing” deep in my soul that I understood that orphan boy, even though I was not an orphan myself. When Oliver sang the song “Where is Love” I thought that he was reading my mind. I didn’t even question why I felt such an affinity with the character in that movie who was a very young and unwanted orphan, kicked out of the orphanage because he admitted that he was hungry. I took that as a warning that I better not do or say anything in my own unhappy home least I also be banished.

 As an adult I could relate those same feelings and I labelled them the feeling of extreme loneliness. I felt guilty and ashamed that I felt that way. I thought that by feeling that way I was letting down my friends and family. I could feel alone in a crowd; I could feel alone with my best friends.  As I looked back on my life I realize that I had felt alone all my life. I felt different. I felt like something was missing in me. I felt like something was wrong with me.  I was alone.

 As I began to recover, I was acutely aware of those feelings.  At first I thought that it is because ultimately, we are all alone on the healing journey.  But as I got stronger and sorted out so much of my past and my pain, the loneliness began to feel different.  It began to dissipate.

 I talk about re-parenting myself, and what that really means is that I went back and looked at certain events that were mishandled by the adults in my life.  It wasn’t that I “changed the memory of the event”, but I looked at how I had been discounted through the event. I looked at how I had not been taken care of and how my emotional pain had been dismissed. First by them and then by me.

 This includes times when emotional pain was ignored and when any kind of abuse was ignored or invalidated.  This also includes psychological abuse such as neglect and or verbal abuse; physical abuse, sexual abuse, spiritual abuse or any other kind of devaluing treatment. And looking at the roots of all this stuff was not about what “they did” or what I was taught they had a “right” to do either.  This was not about blame, this was about MY FEELINGS. Realizing now I felt about certain events, validating and owning those feelings and emotions where they had not been validated in the past.

 From there, I looked at what I believed about myself because of those events.  For example, My father never paid attention to me, he barely noticed me, and I never once considered that HE was wrong or that it had to do with something missing in him.  I assumed that it had something to do with me and something wrong or missing in me.

 If I was blamed for my mother’s bad mood (if you were not so naughty, I would not be in this bad mood) or for her depression (because if she was really sad, it must be because I was so naughty) then over time I believed that I actually caused her bad mood or depression. I believed that I was a failure ~ that I had failed her and let her down and that I was a disappointment.  I believed that I was not good enough. I concluded and believed therefore that I was not lovable or valuable.

 The longing that I felt, which I thought was loneliness was the longing to have some sort of real relationship with another person. A relationship based on equal value instead of what I had become so accustomed to; that the other person in the relationship was much more valuable then I was. Deep down I believed that everyone else had more value than I did. Worse than that was that I didn’t even realize I believed it. I had a very false view of myself.  I noticed that I accepted treatment from many people that I would NEVER dish out to anyone else, and that showed me that I didn’t even regard myself as though I was just as valuable as everyone else.

 I wanted to be heard, understood and I wanted my opinion to be accepted as a valid opinion and not dismissed as “oh, what do you know? But I didn’t know how to stand up for ME with all those false beliefs in the way. No wonder my self esteem was in the gutter. Not only was my personhood invalidated, BUT I was going along with it.  No wonder I was so alone; I had no voice, I had no self love, I had no personal rights.  I had no self esteem which means that I didn’t even like myself. I didn’t even want to hang out with me! Not valid. Not worthy. No wonder I felt as though I was different and that I didn’t fit in.

 No wonder I was lonely.

 As I validated myself and re-parented myself by looking at the origins of my low self esteem, I began to grow in the ways that I had not grown as a child and teenager. I grew up.  Things got sorted out. Sometimes quickly and sometimes painfully slowly but I kept going forward.

 And those loneliness feelings began to dissipate. It wasn’t because I had more people in my life or because my family finally saw the truth. My family of origin has not changed their minds about how they feel about me. It was because I was finally heard. BY ME. I finally had to guts to say ~ like Oliver said “I am hungry” because I finally knew that the consequences would not kill me anymore like they could have killed me when I was a child. I heard myself. I embraced the statement; “I am worthy” I faced the roots of the problem, the roots of where I got broken in the first place and I realized that I AM VALID.  I rarely feel lonely anymore.

 Sharing another benefit of the process of emotional healing;

Darlene Ouimet

The Emerging from Broken bookThe Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing” is ready for download! If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, get this book today! This 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to healing.  Get yours here through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

 

88 response to "Loneliness in Recovery and Emotional Healing"

  1. By: Tess Taylor Posted: 25th October

    Darlene, I’ve spent a lifetime longing for a meaningful and loving relationship with my mother. I’ve wasted years seeking out alternative mother figures in the hope they could provide something to replace the missing connection, only to be repeatedly disappointed.
    A couple of days ago, I read your mother/daughter articles. Finally I believe I have enlightenment to the source my unhappiness: My life’s biggest fear – that my mother does not love me; that my parents do not love me. It felt almost too difficult to think the words let alone say them but despite overwhelming sadness and fear, I shared my realisation with my counsellor yesterday. It’s like being laid bare to the world, all my protective layers removed. I had become completely transparent.
    I share the extreme loneliness; guilt; shame, feeling alone in a crowd and yes that something is missing inside. Longing for a real relationship with another person. I see now that I never really valued my side of any relationship, that I see other people as more important and valuable.
    My hope is that having made this realisation, I can move forward and work on my self-defeating behaviours and learn to love myself. Instead of fearing and avoiding love, perhaps I can learn to express my feelings of love to others and begin to feel my worth in relationships. I do have a long-term, loving partner and many very good friends (friends whom I am told love me even though I find that hard to accept).
    People have told me I am a survivor, well I dont feel like I am surviving. Right now I am filled with fear, anxiety and at my lowest ebb. But I do thank you for the insight, Darlene, because whilst it’s been a very painful realisation – it is very likely a huge turning point for me.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 25th October

      Hi Tess
      Welcome to e.f.b.
      Your comments are so insightful, and so much what so many go through and are going through. The fear was so deep for me that I thought it might kill me to realize the truth about so many of the people in my life. And finding out about MY value made all the difference. Considering that I deserved to be treated with respect was huge. I learned to love myself and that is the key as we work on all this other stuff. It all comes together!
      Hugs, Darlene

  2. By: Joy Jessie Posted: 25th August

    Thank you so much Darlene. And to think that I had thought no one would know or understand those feelings. Everyone in my family thought I was too deep and that those “little things” that they did to me that made me feel not good enough werent supposed to get to me. To them, letting their verbal and physical abuse towards me mean something to me was a weakness. I was always the underdog, the weak one. I didn’t want to connect to anyone because I thought and believed that in someone else’s eyes I would never be more than some girl who lacked self esteem, courage, and the ability to stand up for herself. And it is still hard for me to stand up for myself. They thought in order for me to not feel emotional and physical pain was to beat me up with both emotional and physical pain constantly. It was as if I wasn’t good enough to feel anything, even pain. But I had determination to prove them wrong. Like I am a human being and I do have a voice, and my voice means something. I will stand up knowing that I am not alone anymore. I have learned to cope with my emotions and not ignore them and bury them.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 26th August

      Hi Joy J.
      I love your comments! This is exactly my hope ~ for others to realize that WE count and how we are convinced that we don’t count. Your voice does MEAN something and you are NOT alone!
      Hugs, Darlene

  3. By: Pinky Posted: 26th July

    @Susan I realize it is world wide just saying that in several other countries it is taboo to express almost anything. And in some countries it is illegal to voice an opinion about certian things. We at least have a legal right to talk about it though faced with huge resistance.

  4. By: Susan Kingsley-Smith Posted: 26th July

    Hi Pinky! Thanks for contributing your thoughts and feelings on this issue. It IS a worldwide and societal issue. Hopefully with exposing this kind of thing bit by bit we’ll see some change and those who have these extreme life experiences will no longer be treated as though something is wrong with them when they express their pain. Yay for all of us who are breaking through the chains of broken!

  5. By: Pinky Posted: 26th July

    @Susan I did not read the whole blog I have not been on here latley but I just saw your comment and wanted to add my thoughts. You said “How our dysfunctional familes and society in general does not allow expression of emotions outside of a very narrow range. Anything outside of that tight constraint is seen as well, not “normal”. Thus those of use who have suffered are then pegged as something being wrong with us vs something being wrong with this norm. And yes! I’m glad to be among the brave and the few breaking down the walls and climbing over them to let the light shine on the truth!”
    Wow! What you say is so true as we all know (all of us on the blog) And I just wanted to add that in America and I assume Canada as well, we are looked at by the rest of the world such as England and especially Asia, as our countries being the self expressive self absorbed , not into family and wreck less with our expressions. I can’t imagine how bad it must be to be raised in an even more repressed society. Thank God for those of you who are willing to step out and break tradition and break taboos and speak the truth! Thank God for those and other similar blogs!

  6. By: Susan Kingsley-Smith Posted: 26th July

    Pam; you bring up a point I’ve talked about myself. How our dysfunctional familes and society in general does not allow expression of emotions outside of a very narrow range. Anything outside of that tight constraint is seen as well, not “normal”. Thus those of use who have suffered are then pegged as something being wrong with us vs something being wrong with this norm. And yes! I’m glad to be among the brave and the few breaking down the walls and climbing over them to let the light shine on the truth!

  7. By: Pam Posted: 26th July

    Susan,
    I kind of had to find my own way when it came to my anger. I not only had shame to deal with but my family always told me that I felt too much. The reality is that they don’t feel hardly at all and they think that is normal. So, I thought I was really abnormal to be so angry and then later, I was introduced to shame through traditional teachings. It’s amazing how much abuse has been institutionalized in our culture and in the church. These old ways of interpretation are like walls that keep us from the truth. I’ve become really adept at scaling walls! I think you are a fellow wall climber!

  8. By: Susan Kingsley-Smith Posted: 25th July

    Hi Pam! I really appreciate that you’ve found solace in your faith and I’m glad you are able to share and appreicate the discussion around the issue of anger. So many of us and for myself personally – the subject of anger and learning to listen to it was never a part of any discussions…it was always used to shame. Its great to hear that so many of us are finding our way in spite of that:)

  9. By: Celeste Blue Posted: 25th July

    Darlene,

    that is interesting that the topic of loneliness and recovery would be the discussion as the 20th was my mother’s birthday, and what a painful day that was (though more so for her) As I mentioned prior, my mother has suffered from schizophrenia throughout most of her life and though we no longer are able to be together, she is in my constant thoughts. As someone who for years was programmed to not show emotion, I struggled upon realization and thoughts of her, to stop crying. Here I was sitting in the library, on the brink of full tears. There are so much sadness and I was not quite sure weeks prior how I would cope with this important day. I hoped I would just ‘get through it’ though I struggled with the temptation to self harm once again.

    My goal for myself is to become emotional, at least to understand and find beauty in my emotions. Still I struggle with deep loneliness, and certain days are better than others, I want to continue to find ways to turn that loneliness into something that will make me strong

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 25th July

      Hi Celeste
      I am sorry that you have been having such a rough time. I understand the pain though. I admire your courage and your resolve to turn that loneliness into something that will make you stronger. (I think you might already be strong. 🙂 \
      Thank you so much for sharing,
      Hugs and a squish for comfort,
      Darlene

  10. By: joy Posted: 25th July

    HI Darlene:

    you said: “The only way that I was able to do that was to separate the issues into their stuff and my stuff and stop mixing it all together.”

    What you say here took time, didn’t it. I think sometimes, when it can be discouraging knowing what needs to be done and not being able to do that yet.

    You didn’t just come to do this over a short period of time. it took time right?

    Sometimes you know .. we have all the things laid out before us: the should dos and the should not do’s and get overwhelmed by such. When in reality all those who are writing of their success had a long journey to get there and we shouldnt be discouraged that we are not there yet?

    And people go at different paces.. .isn’t this right?

    I know I get upset that I am not there yet but then have to tell myself that not too many people, if any, got there over night or in a half year or year..it takes time right..

    joy

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 25th July

      Hi Joy
      yes, it takes time. when I look back on my process (the bulk of it was over 3 years time)
      I look back and picture it this way; there were “strings” of thing that I learned.. and they overlapped each other and eventually the all joined together. I had to undo tangled strings, and I had to smooth out wrinkled strings.. I had to take “their strings” out of “my strings”.

      When we are talking about things where you are not ‘there’ yet, think of them as something to look forward to on the journey. That one day you will be there too, but we all had to go through lots of stuff on the way there.

      It really takes time, but you are on the road and that is all that matters!
      Hugs, Darlene

  11. By: Pam Posted: 25th July

    Susan,
    I have experienced religious repression also. Most ‘teachings’ that I’ve heard teach that all human anger is wrong,”sinful”. That isn’t what I find in the Bible. I believe that God gave us our emotions for a good purpose. In finding that purpose for anger, I no longer felt guilty for being angry. Anger is for self-defense and I just had to learn where my anger was properly placed and properly vented. I’m not very religious. I am spiritual and Jesus is the center of my spirituality. Sin is just another word for abuse. I have been spiritually abused too. I have different expectations from the church than I do from God. I don’t trust too much to the church but I do trust everything to God. I also listen to all teachings with a somewhat, critacle ear. I don’t allow anyone between me and God. I also try not to put myself between someone else and God. I’m not out to make clones of me.:0)I don’t expect everyone to believe the way I do but my faith is so much a part of who I am that I can’t hide it either! I find that in what you have shared also.

  12. By: Susan Kingsley-Smith Posted: 25th July

    Thanks for sharing how you found peace from your anger Pam. Although I have to admit…I tried the managing my anger but it wasn’t until I connected my today rage/anger to the past and my beleif that my anger was somehow wrong or bad that I found freedom. Learning to listen to what my anger was telling me allows me to embrace these feelings as a part of me – a good part of me – that helps me to trust me and know that I have all I need to protect myself. There is a shift from the anger of wanting revenge and anger that is productive but by labeling my anger as bad or wrong or connecting it to “sin” that only reinforced my feelings of shame and the idea that I still was not good enough. I’m really glad you find this direction to be helpful but having come from and through a lot…LOT of religious oppression and abuse I found my strength and my faith by finding my own power and understanding that anger is not bad and does not need to be managed but is my guide and should be heard.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 25th July

      Susan KS
      I love your comments in comment # 42 ~ brilliantly put! The longer I try to articulate what worked for me, the more that the word “separate” becomes key. Separate my issues from theirs; Separate the details of the events because abusive people like to create a way to blame victims for what happens to the victims so that the the blame is easily shifted. Children are without defence against this tactic, and if we grow up without defense against that tactic, we have to relearn how to see the real truth. The only way that I was able to do that was to separate the issues into their stuff and my stuff and stop mixing it all together.
      Thanks for your comments!

      There is a great discussion going on in this post!

      Hi Carol
      I am angry at what happened to me, but through recovery, I learned to vent my anger in the right ways and stopped taking it out on the innocents. I used to scream and yell at my kids about the toys on the floor and I just didn’t understand why I was so angry on some days. I realized that in my mind it was safe to be angry at the kids, but it was NOT safe (in my mind) to be angry at the people who treated me so badly when I was a child. I was still afraid of them. So my anger outbursts were misplaced and misdirected. Once I got on the right track with all of this, the anger subsided! I just didn’t need to express it the wrong way anymore. And my youngest was 7 when I started this process, and they remember when I used to be out of control and they certainly see and acknowledge the difference now. I made sure to tell the kids many times that they didn’t DO anything to cause my ranting and yelling back then, that it was my wrong doing, that I took my moods out on them verbally in the past and that I was so very wrong. I know that doesn’t take away from what I did, but I know it made a big difference in going forward. Once I found out where the anger belonged, and directed it there, everything changed!
      Thank you for sharing your heart here.
      Hugs, Darlene

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 25th July

      Hi Mac Aeron
      The situation you are talking about reminds me of a very important part of my own recovery. It was very important for me to look at why I had become accepting of these kinds of people in my adult life so that I stopped being attracted to those situations and all that conditional love.
      I could tell myself that I was better off without them, but the hurt remained until I knew where it all began, which for me was in my childhood and was rooted in my belief system.
      Thanks for being here!
      Hugs, Darlene

  13. By: Mac Aeron Posted: 24th July

    Its hard to deal with that feeling of loneliness. Of being surrounded by people and still feeling all alone and isolated. Or even worse, being in a relationship and thinking you are loved, only to find out it was based on what you did or didn’t do, not on who you are. Sad to one day realize that because you didn’t buy them something or do something they wanted that you are now no longer good enough to be with them. That you are a failure as a person and therefore, no longer worthy of being loved because you didn’t take them out when they wanted to go.

    I know how much I gave and gave. How much I loved. Its disappointing and painful to know that all they can remember is I didn’t take them out when they thought I should have, then they aren’t the person I thought they were either. And I am better off without them.

  14. By: Pam Posted: 24th July

    Susan,Lisa,
    I first tried to deal with my anger by stuffing it also. Even stuffing it without understanding it. That led to huge explosions being triggered by something small. It began to change for me when I took a close look at anger as a normal emotion and the good purposes that it serves. I learned to “be angry and sin not”,according to my faith, in that I learned how to direct my anger and also contol the extent to which I released it. The way you were treated and I was treated as children is an approptiate target for our anger as it is injustice. Anger aimed at injustice is righteous anger. It is the same kind of anger that won rights for black people. It is the anger that Jesus used to clear the temple.It was wrong for me to turn that anger inward and try to stuff it. It was also wrong for me to turn that anger on someone who had no part in the injustices that I suffered. I think I’m meandering from the subject:0) but by understanding good anger vs bad anger, rather than thinking of all anger as bad, I learned to use it to help me heal. I was freed from my PTSD rages. I learned to control and direct my anger rather than allowing my anger to control and direct me.

  15. By: Pam Posted: 24th July

    Lisa,
    I think there is a big difference between reasons and excuses. If we’re looking for reasons then we are looking for the root of a problem so that it can be uprooted and changed. Excuses don’t seek change but just a cover for doing something that is wrong.

    I have had inappropriate anger in the past. I don’t have that problem anymore since I know what I was angry about, have faced it, and worked to change my life and my response to life.

    That’s my take, anyway.

    Pam

  16. By: Susan Kingsley-Smith Posted: 24th July

    PS….when I said “connect with my whole self (body, mind/thought and consciousness of my mind and body)”…when I say body and mind I”m including my thoughts and my emotional responses to those thoughts that showed up in my body as feelings and the physical responses to my feelings.

  17. By: Susan Kingsley-Smith Posted: 24th July

    I’m glad that you found that helpful Lisa:)

    And yes – you are so right. And me – I fought it too. It seemed so HUGE and consuming…I’d been punished terribly for expressing anger in the past that it was terrifying to go there. The thing that I found though is that being stuck in “why” wasn’t so helpful….I figured out that this was one more way of avoiding dealing directly with my demons. I was fortunate to have someone who sort of mentored me in learning to connect with my whole self (body, mind/thought and consciousness of my mind and body).

    I started slow; sort of like a teapot letting some steam out. To take the lid off all the way to me was like opening a volcano and that was scary because I’d not yet learned how to or that I could – control my emotional expressions. I started with just tossing a soft ball at a corner or throwing a ball outside along with writing about it. Another survivor suggested I begin with something like “I hate you for what you did to me” and just follow it from there.

    I also learned that I could do this in small chunks…and it was sort of like sticking my toe in the water and pulling it back…a little at a time.

    I’m glad you wrote about this today Lisa. And I hope sharing how I handled this part of the journey might be helpful:)

    Susan

  18. By: carol Posted: 24th July

    it hard not to be angry at what they put us through as children, and im told it is useful to vent the anger. in my case i have spent all my adult life trying not to be angry just well and it isnt working. the anger seeps out of me at the slightest thing on some days and then on other days i can controll the urge to scream and rant, and those days are ussually in the upper end not lower end. yet my moods and emotions are still very chamelon like and change as the mood around me changes, as the tension raise so does my temper and i hate that i can recognise the behaviour and the trigger but still cannot alter the instinctive reaction. i get it is a reaction to my parents yelling at me all the time and me never knowing if today id done a job the right way, even though i did it the same way everytime, somedays i got screamed at others i didnt. i am repeating the pattern and hate myself for it as it is affecting my child, and though i speak to her about how i can avoid screamin gis it fair to ask a 8yr to help me alter my behaviour by tailoring her badgering and distractedness that drives me nuts cos i wouldnt have been able to get away with it, argh i hate being a parent cos i didnt wana pass on my bad habits but have done so, even if i have been able to compenste for some of it and teach her without phyiscal punishment or verbal degregation, so i am doing soem thing right for her

  19. By: Lisa B. Posted: 24th July

    Yes, Susan, it is what I’m talking about…

    My problem is largely that I can’t seem to stop being angry long enough to look at WHY I’m angry. And because my anger scares me, I stuff it with food and nicotine and other (seemingly innocuous) pursuits that leave me feeling empty, sad, lonely, and ultimately EVEN MORE ANGRY. Facing the truth when I’m terrified of it is such a challenge!

    And I keep on putting it off hoping it will get better on its own, even when I know that’s impossible. And of course, the only thing that happens is that my own unresolved issues get worse and worse!

  20. By: Susan Kingsley-Smith Posted: 24th July

    Lisa…this is a great topic and for me, personally, an issue I dealt with for a long time. I asked similar questions and had heard similar things about blaming my past for my today. The thing for me that helped was to understand that the anger, rage and self hatered came from my beginnings.

    And the key for me was to separate my adult responsibilities from my childhood experiences. I was A CHILD. My parents put their own unresolved issues on me as that child and then blamed me as a child for THEIR issues. My entire life was based on the lies that told me something was wrong with me, that I had no value and deserved to be dismissed and treated horribly.

    By going through this process and separating their childhood issues from mine and seeing that they had a responsibility as parents to figure their own stuff out – but they didn’t. Instead as adults they passed it on to me and made me responsible for making them ok and made it my fault that all the bad had happened because of something wrong with me. No matter how hard I tried I was never good enough and I carried that as my truth ie false truth for many years.

    In the end, I have great compassion for what they experienced at the same time by acknowledging my own needs as a child I was able to see that the deep rage that kept popping up came from that beginning.

    By beginning to go through this process I was able to let go of that ingrained sense of worthlessness that they left me with and as the adult I am today, let go of the anger by going through it vs stuffing it which is what I was doing with all the self harming/acting out/acting in behaviors I engaged in. When I solved the core issue – the behaviors just stopped because I no longer had to avoid the pain of the past. I don’t know if this is what you were talking about and I hope this is somewhat helpful. Susan:)

  21. By: Lisa B. Posted: 24th July

    When I first read this, I was amazed because it was like you had crawled into my skin and described how I felt completely (as so many of your posts do).

    Then, out of nowhere, I started to feel angry. Like once again, I’m trying to blame the past for my current problems. I overeat and smoke and isolate and do so many things that are really bad for me. And I feel like blaming the past is just an excuse to not cope with what I’m doing wrong in the present.

    Also, I read everyone’s comments and, like many times before, I admire their courage and strength. But I wonder if any of you ever experience inappropriate anger. You describe feelings of worthlessness and sadness and unworthiness. You talk about how you always put others ahead of yourselves. I have done this too. I have certainly felt these things. And if my mother counts, I’ve always put someone else ahead of myself. I’ve never had anybody else to put ahead of myself (no husband, no kids, never even a serious relationship). But my resentment at putting my mother (and sometimes my siblings) ahead of myself bursts out at inappropriate times towards innocent people (the clerk at McDonalds, the guy in the car next to me, the quiet, slow girl at work, etc.). I see myself exploding with rage at these people and I have even more reason for self-hatred. It’s not okay to act like this. I become glad that I don’t have a husband or children (which usually breaks my heart) because I’m afraid I would become an abuser too.

    And I’ve read often in this blog how we can’t excuse abusers for their behavior because of their own history of being abused. How is that different than excusing my own bad behavior by blaming my past?

    Obviously, I have a lot of emotions about this issue. But I feel like this rage is blocking any real insight into my loneliness and emotional healing still feels impossible. Darlene, you wrote on the FB page today that, as you “replaced the lies with the truth, the coping methods fell away, because I didn’t need them anymore.” This feels impossible too.

    And I feel like I am the only one on this page who ever behaves in a negative or inappropriate way to the people around me and that makes me feel even more isolated.

    Anyway, thanks for letting me rant. I feel like I’m right where I started and haven’t made even the slightest bit of progress!

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 24th July

      Hi Lisa
      This is such a complicated subject. Many readers have shared about this same issue, so you are not alone. And I totally relate to it too. I had inappropriate anger all over the place mostly with my kids and not so much with other people. And it isn’t that I excused it. I had to be accountable for it BUT I had to realize where it came from before I stopped experiencing it. I had to stop focusing on beating myself up and look at what happened to me first. I was really stuck there because I really believed that I was the problem and used those things (ranting at my kids because I was in a bad mood) as the proof that it really was ME who was always the problem and I added that belief to all the childhood stuff that happened to me, concluding that the damage was really my own fault.. But when it came to abusive people in my life, (like my mother) I made excuses for them. So I excused her which was also really in the way of my healing. I had to separate this stuff and look at it separately. This was one of the foundational starting points for me and it is really about the REAL truth about everything. I was very stuck on “I have no right to feel any anger because I am not perfect” so I went round and round on that almost forever.
      This is so foundational Lisa and such a huge part of the process that it is impossible for me to explain it in just this one answer, but there are snippits of it all over this website.
      I made amends to my kids, and I never do this anymore and I no longer have inappropriate anger. It all went away as a result of facing the truth and healing. I had to look at the damage caused to me without making excuses for the people who did it AND I had to stop looking for reasons why I wasn’t worthy of any better or how I had been so bad that I didn’t deserve to heal. It all went together for me and I had to separate it in order to get through it.
      Hope this helps..again, I totally get what you are expressing here.
      Hugs, Darlene

  22. By: Susan Kingsley-Smith Posted: 23rd July

    The page I mentioned is the Facebook Community page. There is a link to it on my blog or you can buzz me at FB if you can’t find it:) The shows are archived so folks can listen anytime…not just live:)

    I’m so glad that you are finding support and hope here Pam. You are absolutely right; we each need to connect and belong where we feel accepted and safe. I’m glad you’re here and thanks so much for your notes.

    Susan:)

  23. By: carol Posted: 23rd July

    hi
    omg it is so frustrating and when i feel under attack i tend to withdraw, yet if i withdraw to far they will have won. my nerves are shot and the slightest bit of aggression is setting of my flight response so badly. yet i still stand there waiting for those in my real life to throw their posionuos darts. saying it doesnt hurt but it does and am i really strong enough for the level of understandin gi have achieved. with not dealing with how my family treate dme for solong is bubbling away under the surface, making me susceptable to my old reactions and not the ones i have spent years building. my defence from having to deal with the emotions has always been by focusing on the behaviour and altering how i appeared to the general public. spoke out about what i felt needed to be said about bad parenting and its efects and have been called alsorts of names because of it. i hate the way i am treated by those who have nmo right to judge me and my voice. ooooo i am so wound up by this issue and feel so alone all over again. even though i know there are people who could help if only they knew how bad i am shaking inside, shame i carn tlet it show though in my real world

  24. By: Pam Posted: 23rd July

    Susan,
    I’ve read some of your blog. I’ll look for that page in particular. You’re a good writer and you have good things to say. Sharing you experience that was simular to mine helped more than hours and hours of therapy. I think all of us human beings need to know that we aren’t alone and even that everything we suffer is common. Everyone suffers.

    I missed the broadcast yesterday but I’ll try to catch it in the future.

    Love,
    Pam

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