Tasting real life, beyond surviving, is a whole new world. I’m a coffee lover, so it’s comparable to having only tasted stale gas station coffee your whole life and then one day, having a sip of some smooth, rich creamy brew and realizing that there’s more for you than what you thought! The pain of surviving was not just a “normal” thing that I had to get used to. I had always wanted more than that, but had sometimes doubted the possibility of it.
Survival mode had become an uncomfortably comfortable habit… (painful, but familiar and deceptively safe). And so my process of living in a new way happens in spurts and steps and phases. The biggest thing that can hold me back is this naggling, deep down, long cultivated belief that I don’t really deserve to be too happy (plus, sometimes people look at you funny if you’re too happy, so just be careful…). I still battle that lie every day, but it gets easier each time. It’s amazing how simply bringing something to light can make all the difference.
Now, when I engage in really living, paying attention to my feelings and thoughts, embracing my responsibility to make good choices, having honest conversation with a friend, pursuing a new challenge or opportunity that I’m passionate about, I come away with this alive, buzzing feeling. Now I know that it’s that “flying feeling,” and the satisfaction and thrill of it won’t let me go back to the stale gas station coffee. I want a fulfilling life and this whole new feeling will become my new habit.