Is Trust Mandatory in Healthy Relationship? The True definition of Trust

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The definition of trust
Trust Me… by Theodora MacLeod

One of the biggest stick points on the journey to emotional healing has to do with the subject of TRUST. Somewhere along the way I came to believe that I had to trust people until they were proven untrustworthy. That is a false understanding of trust. It was through understanding how I learned the meaning of the word ‘trust’ in a manipulative way that really only served the ones teaching me that false definition of the word trust, that I was able to realize the truth;  I didn’t have to trust anyone until they proved to be trustworthy. By the same token, I do not expect people to blindly trust me either. Trust in healthy relationship develops over time. Trust in healthy relationship is not mandatory and ‘blind trust’ does not prove acceptance or love. NOT trusting someone does not mean anything ‘bad’ and it is not a judgement against that person. Not trusting someone that you don’t know well enough to decide about trusting or not, is healthy. When I am expected or required to trust someone blindly, I consider that a red flag about the person who has this expectation of me.

From the Free Dictionary.com ~  Here is the definition of trust:

1. Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.

2. Custody; care.

3. Something committed into the care of another; charge.

Noun~ Firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability or strength of someone or something

Verb~ Believe in the reliability, truth, ability or strength of

Based on this definition of Trust, I can see how I had the false understanding of the word and concept in the first place.

Trust is optional. Trust is something that needs to be earned more than it needs to be freely given without any knowledge of the persons ability, strength or reliability. As children, everyone older than us has ‘positional power’ over us. We learn to submit to that positional power because NOT submitting to it is a sure way to bring on a punishment, rejection, physical abuse and a host of other unwanted results. I learned to submit to positional power and I got my learned understanding of submission mixed up with the concept of trust.

As children we are taught to trust through other people; the people in charge of our welfare communicate that we will be safe with those people. If these people are untrustworthy, what choice do we have in the matter anyway? How many of you remember not wanting to ‘go with someone’ or not wanting to be babysat by someone, but having no choice (or power) to change the situation.

In this way I learned ‘blind trust’ and basically I learned that everyone was worthy of my trust. It was shocking for me to learn in my forties that through the truthful understanding of what trust is, my mother wasn’t trustworthy. She did not prove herself to be reliable, truthful or even able when it came to me. I had a few friends that were not trustworthy. In fact most of the people in my life, including my husband were not trustworthy when it came to having a relationship with me based on equal value and mutual respect.  But I had been taught, groomed and brainwashed to believe in “the reliability, truth, ability or strength of someone or something” of those people. Blindly. Not believing in their reliability, ability, truth and strength was ‘disrespectful’ and there were unwanted consequences to that ‘disrespect’.

I ‘trusted’ the baby sitter who sexually abused me. I was a little kid; I trusted my parents and they trusted her. The fact that my parents trusted her was enough for me to trust her. And as a child it would not have done any good if I didn’t trust her; she was in a power position over me, I had no choice but to submit to her.

And since I believed my parents would protect me, (or I wanted to believe that) it was pretty confusing when someone that they have left me in the care of, abused me.

I trusted my grandmother because I was taught to; when she violated me I got really confused about what trust really was.

My parents warned me NOT to trust my grandfather who was a pedophile and had been caught sexually molesting my cousin. They continued to expose me to him by taking me to his home to visit. This caused me more confusion about trust. Why did they take me to visit there if he was dangerous and untrustworthy when it came to children? If he was untrustworthy, why did they want us to have a relationship with him?

I trusted the doctor who told me that nothing was wrong with me and treated me like a dramatic hypochondriac who was wasting his time, which caused me to invalidate how I felt and how sick I felt, which in turn caused me to ignore my needs which in truth were the beginning of a serious illness. The illness went undiagnosed until it was in the later stages at which time it was much more difficult to heal. I trusted that he was right, instead of trusting myself that I needed a second opinion because I was sure that I was sick.

I ‘trusted’ a co-worker I had who was a police officer just because he was a police officer in charge of the security in the large hospital where I worked. The fact that he was a police officer didn’t stop him from assaulting me as soon as he got me alone. The positional power he had over me because he was a police officer prevented me from reporting him. I believed that he would be the one ‘trusted’ in the situation. I was used to taking the blame for whatever happened to me. Had I NOT trusted him, I would not have gone with him where he could get me alone.

I think that we are brainwashed into believing we have to trust straight away. (Controllers who misuse their power have set it up this way since the dawn of time)  I have learned to trust when I feel that a person is ‘trust-worthy’ not because they have a degree or title. My clients don’t automatically trust me just because I say that I know what I am doing. Many of them begin to trust me because they have read enough of my blog to catch a glimpse of my beliefs and my integrity, but that doesn’t mean they have to trust me. They come along with trust as our relationship progresses. And I don’t ask them to trust me. That is up to them. Trusting until proven un-trustworthy is a backwards way of entering into relationship. Trust is not mandatory in a healthy relationship. Trust happens over time when people prove their reliability, truth, ability (and) or strength.

My biggest problem with trust turned out to be that I didn’t trust myself to know when to trust or not trust. I had learned the wrong definitions of ‘trust’ and ‘love’ and I learned to discount my needs, my feelings and even my intuition. I had not had permission to feel most emotions or permission to have my own thoughts. Having permission NOT to trust, was a very big beginning on the path to freedom! Having a choice and permission to have a choice in the matter of trust put things into a different perspective.

At the end of the day, learning to trust myself and building my relationship with myself to the point where I knew that I could actually depend on me was a huge layer of recovery which resolved all my misunderstandings about trust.

Please share your thoughts about ‘Trust’. Were you taught that trust was a must in relationship? Did you have a choice when it came to trust? Did you believe that not trusting was wrong? Do you now or did you ever believe the other big lie; that you have to ‘trust someone’ in order to heal? It was in changing the way that I looked at and understood things that I was able to change my default and mistaken understanding of words and concepts like ‘trust’.

Exposing Truth ~ one snapshot at a time;

Darlene Ouimet

The Emerging from Broken book is ready for download! If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, get this book today! This 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to healing.  Get yours here through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

 

For related posts see the highlighted phrases in bold print throughout this post.

110 response to "Is Trust Mandatory in Healthy Relationship? The True definition of Trust"

  1. By: marquis (female) Posted: 24th December

    “It took me a long time to even figure out if I did or not.” oops, I meant if I trusted her or not is what I meant.

  2. By: marquis (female) Posted: 24th December

    Hi Annette,

    My ex-therapist didn’t take responsibility for anything she would say/use against me that I “let myself become so angry.” I thought I was close to her in the beginning, but my god, the more she kept talking the less connected I felt to her. I don’t know why I told her I trusted her yet I knew she was using manipulation, fear, and guilt against me because she didn’t want to help me “unless I forgive.”

    It took me a long time to even figure out if I did or not. She made the sessions into a codependency relationship because apparently she can’t do her own job even with that Masters she has! I am much more closer to my social worker at the women’s center than I was with my ex-therapist! I saw that woman (ex-therapist) in July 2012 and ended Feb 2014 thank god! It was nothing but a bunch of fighting/arguing because she had to be always right using her parental and marital arrogance! Very bruised ego which I told her she might need to see someone herself.

  3. By: Anetta Posted: 21st December

    My therapist had failed so many times on so many subjects and denied doing that. Than after 2 years of so called therapy she said that she understoond very well her mistakes, she’s very sorry and she would try to help me. So we got along fine, she worked fine but after a year she had her failure again and I lost my trust in her again and I told her about it.and that time she told me that she can’t fix that relationship only by herself and I don’t want to do it, I just don’t want to believe in her. Trust her. How can I help her, I have a great lump in my throat since i have met her last time. Too many storms in my life ..With her

  4. By: cat Posted: 24th June

    I was just journaling about this today. About how I used to automatically trust people, and then be constantly disappointed that they let me down or proved to be untrustworthy. Then I would get hurt, beat myself up for trusting them and wonder what was wrong with me. Lately, I just don’t have any hope of trusting anyone which doesn’t feel right either. I wrote a better solution was to trust in layers, start out with none, then if its appropriate grant a little, and then a little more and so forth. And I could stop at any layer and if there wasn’t enough trust to move forward with more, than that was the extent of the relationship. And that was that. I can always know exactly where I am in any relationship. I don’t have to try and fix myself to trust others and all that crap I’ve been doing, so exhausting. This article has just solidified these thoughts and made it real. I feel like I’ve just discovered a way to have all kinds of new relationships and I can trust myself to know how to do that, and that there is an opportunity to have a deep relationship eventually. Yeay. It’s exciting to know there is a way to have a relationships.

  5. By: kelly savoie Posted: 31st March

    oh my, well the more i read the more that comes right to the surface and smacks me upside the head… after a lengthy absence from work, I came back to a different job, different boss, different area, different everything. I trusted my new supervisor without even thinking about it, like taught.. I was supremely disappointed when very upset when I found that she was about the most untrustworthy person that I could have ever have put any trust or faith into… then today I find this sure wish I knew before I STOPPED trusting her at all. Now she’s going to have to gain my respect & trust but it really should have been the other way around…
    Learning & applying hard , extremely hard and exhausting… Does the “Tired to the Very Core” ever go away?

  6. By: Chris Posted: 4th February

    I suspect that to learn to trust myself I am going to have to learn the things I was denied by the abuse. That’ll be a trick as my abuse was meant to prevent me from learning exactly what it did so that I would be as messed up as I am as an adult. I know I can seem clear on paper its in relating to others and interacting verbally that the results of what they did to me have their effect.
    I have taken to blogging my story in hopes that some witness will recognise it and step up to help me and the others get justice. It is my belief that systematic abuse of children took place at this local for decades before I was placed there in the mid 60’s and right up until it closed in 1981.
    http://www.topix.com/forum/city/belleville-nj/TV02FNMT3GE8K208B

  7. By: Chris Posted: 4th February

    Very accurate deconstruction of the mistaken way our society has set up teaching of children. I would think your description would apply to everyone broken or not. I suspect now that I have read this that I have been focusing on my inability to trust others and completely missing the fact that I do not trust myself for the same reasons you lay out. It is in fact shockingly similar to me how much your own experience is familiar to me. I have complete confidence in myself and my opinions and perceptions but I do not trust myself. Huh. Neat, Thanks. I’ll see what comes of it I process slowly.
    I was thinking the other day about Dylan Allen and her being discounted and how so many people talk with confidence as if it were proven fact about how unreliable children are. I know what I remember from age 4 and 5 how is it age 7 is supposed to be so unreliable?
    We start school at age 5 how could that be possible if our memories were so unreliable?
    I think as you propose in your description of falsely teaching trust that those with power set it up this way. People with an interest in discounting what children say have created and promoted the idea and feathered that bed with the practices we use to this day of teaching the children to believe in fantasies we create which are clearly untrue and must be confusing to them. And yet we lie and lie about them for our own entertainment and the false joy it might bring them. How does that do anything but make the child unable to trust themselves properly? Which will then make them seem an unreliable reporter of what they take in via the 5 senses as they try to incorporate the fantasies they have been given as real into their descriptions of what their 5 senses tell them. I remind you that if a child could not properly use their 5 senses they could not be effective in school at age 5.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 4th February

      Hi Chris,
      What a fantastic point about the age children begin school!
      Thank you for your comments and welcome to emerging from broken!
      Hugs, Darlene

  8. By: marquis (female) Posted: 20th January

    This is so awesome! Therapist and I never talked a lot on trust, but we did talk about trust at times. I hated going places with my parents as I don’t trust them and still don’t. They are so unreliable, always making false promises to me/us, and told ‘to suck it up and deal with it. People disappoint others all the time!’

    I think in this country and probably elsewhere, we don’t talk about trust enough and we need to. My “mom” told to never trust my dad because all he does is tell a bunch of lies (so does she) yet always go to him for info on cars. An idiot who buys crap cars is now an expert on cars and tells multiple stories and got the nerve to say ‘I never said that!’ That’s both of them! So, why do we always have to go to him about a certain subject when he will just monopolize it like a typical narc always does? She (mom) can’t tell me because she has zero knowledge about life and has no work ethic – is also a hermit crab!

    It also shows in the Bible how there were untrustworthy people and being asked by God ‘why do you put your trust and faith into these unworthy people?’ Hmm, my boyfriend and I were talking about something. He asked me ‘why do I trust my mom or dad?’ Who am I trust then? I trust him, but boyfriend is the one I can trust and don’t have anybody else to trust. I couldn’t tell some past friends about my deepest darkest secrets, but would end up telling one ex narc friend about it anyway. Ha, then people could never understand why I won’t tell them anything.

    We have the word trust so skewed and messed up in this country. No wonder people can’t distinguish who is who and what is what at times. I do agree that trust is earned and takes time between individuals, it is all about their actions as a friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, coworkers/bosses, hubby, wife, aunts, etc. I was at times trusting someone I just met more like being codependent towards them. I told boyfriend ‘since I am the only one living in their home, who am I suppose to trust? I don’t know anybody else.’

    I couldn’t seem to trust myself because I was told not to and according to my parents ‘since you’re an adult, you don’t know what it means to trust yourself.’ I asked them ‘do you know what it means to trust yourself?’ That led to a huge fight! I always end up making bad decisions just like them all because trust was not taught. Boyfriend asks me ‘why do I share some of my info with my mom?’ I told him ‘I just wish I had those wonderful conversations like a mom and daughter should have, but we both know that will never happen.’ He is a guy and not easy to talk to a guy about girly things.

    I know m parents are not trustworthy far from it and they have no interest in changing. They said ‘we didn’t do anything wrong and don’t know why my kids treat us this way.’ Talk about believing your own lies!

  9. By: EM Posted: 30th October

    I realize how difficult it was for me to trust as a young adult. I was criticized for not trusting – as if trust is something you can conjure up when a person demands it, but acts in an untrustworthy manner. Of course, I didn’t have any basis for developing trust. I couldn’t figure out why I was criticized for not trusting the people in the church. I felt as though trust – like respect – needed to be earned or developed over time. How could I trust this person to have my best interest at heart when what I heard from his mouth was arrogance and a judgmental spirit? I couldn’t have explained that at the time, but I knew I wasn’t safe with him. It seemed like all the wild, out of character, unverified stories about people who had parted ways with the church group came from him and those who hung around with him. I was quite fragmented while I was with them, but when I was separated from the group for awhile, I heard some wild stories about myself that if a person tried to trace them, would not have checked out. Then I realized that the man simply made up stories to cut communication between the folks who had a good reason to leave and the folks that were staying. This slander was intentional, and was a fear tactic used to control those in the group.

    Although damaged people might tell you differently, there is nothing wrong with waiting to learn if you can trust someone and watching them to see if they are trustworthy… When the man who is now my husband asked to court me, he offered me the contact information of people he had lived with and worked with for 10-20 years. He wanted me to know his character and that I would be safe with him. It was like he was giving me a resume and wanted us to get to know one another to see if we would be compatible. It wasn’t just a one-sided deal where I was expected to simply be whatever he thought he wanted while he treated me as though I was a commodity… And my life with him is so sweet now… 😉 It was worth the wait…

    I think, though, that one of the things I had to work out was learning to trust our Creator when so many who claimed His name were untrustworthy, and I had confused them in my mind… I can love people just because they are – because He puts that love in me – but I cannot just trust people because they represent themselves as His… They have to show a trustworthy character to back up the claim… 😉

  10. By: DXS Posted: 8th September

    Trust….. my mom wonders why I don’t trust people. How can I? She lied (by omission) to me about something MAJOR. She failed to adequately prepare me for an ob/gyn exam I HAD to have at age 12 (it was necessary….). At first she did the “I didn’t realize it would be THAT kind of exam….” When I pressed further as to why she just “stood there and said nothing” when the horribly mean pinched face nurse called me a baby because I didn’t want to take off my clothes, that’s when I got the truth: “Well, if I told you what was REALLY going to happen, you would have refused to go.”

    But the worst part was how she CHASTISED me for being “rude” to HER DOCTOR. Like, she cared more about what the (MALE) doctor thought then she did about my feelings of being traumatized for having to take off my clothes for a doctor exam at the age of 12…..

    I’ve posted this story before, and for years, I hadn’t thought about it. But all of a sudden, this issue really irritates me. And I realize that my Mom has always “tricked” people to get what she wants. I watched her do it during my childhood. And she thinks this is ok!

  11. By: sahitha Posted: 8th September

    Yes! I have now revised the definition of trust in my head. Thank you Darlene for posting the dictionary meaning of trust. It certainly helped me redefine it. I was acting like the small kid I was when forming new friendships and relationships. It was more like someone held a promise of friendship/romance, then I would give away trust because I was so desperate for people in my life. The little kid in me wanted nothing more than people and did not want to be alone. Thankfully after many healing sessions, I am beginning to feel comfortable being alone with myself.

    My previous definition of trust was based on whether that person was good or bad, and even then I had no proper criteria to discern that.

  12. By: sahitha Posted: 8th September

    Yes! I have now revised the definition of trust in my head. Thank you Darlene for posting the dictionary meaning of trust. It certainly helped me redefine it. I was acting like the small kid I was when forming new friendships and relationships. It was more like someone held a promise of friendship/romance, then I would give away trust because I was so desperate for people in my life. The little kid in me wanted nothing more than people and did not want to be alone. Thankfully after many healing sessions, I am beginning to feel comfortable being alone.

  13. By: Barb Irwin Posted: 28th August

    I have seen some really good second marriages after horrible first marriages, but each time it seems the man has to have extraordinary patience so that the wife can rewrite her script for godly relations. It will have to be orchestrated by God for it to work. So I too am going to continue growing myself and my life, and I’ll see what happens!

  14. By: DXS Posted: 28th August

    Barb, I’m never married (by choice), but I’m still dealing with the same issue. From reading a blog called baggagereclaim.com, I learned that you play out your family dynamics in relationships. I can see how I did just that. I wanted Mom to love ME (not the person I had to “pretend” to be) and yet I revert to “pretending” in relationships the minute I “hear” any “disapproval” in a guy’s voice.

    I’m taking the stand that, “If it’s meant for me to have a guy, one will show up, if not, I have better things to do.”

  15. By: Barb Irwin Posted: 28th August

    I am having a hard time even thinking about getting to know new men because of the trust issue. I’m 62 years old (or young) and have been divorced for nine years (was married 28 hard years). I love and have much reason to trust our three grown and married sons. But though it’s been awhile, and I’ve read many books on what went wrong, I don’t know how to know if I have good discernment today. I have good, solid friendships, and I have a life teaching Bible at church, mentoring a Messianic Jewish young man my son’s age, and teaching Bible at my apartments, but I don’t know if I’m healed enough to get to know eligible single men. Any comments?

  16. By: DXS Posted: 29th June

    It took me a while to change that default system but I did it!

    Darlene, what gave you the “kick in the b*** to make the change? I still struggle with it.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 29th June

      Hi DXS
      I don’t think there was any one thing that got me ~ it was everything. I was so dang tired of always being the one who tried harder and suddenly I thought “HEY” something is wrong here. My 12 year old son who was my eldest child rolled his eyes at me one day and said in a very soft and voice (like I was crazy and he had to be careful with me, just like my husband had talked to me in the past) “it’s okay mom, just calm down” (or something like that) and I thought OH MY GOD, I can’t take it from my kids too. I decided to leave my family and that they would be better off without me. A friend of mine talked me into seeking help one last time before I ran. Something that the therapist said twigged with me and I was seeing the truth about how I got broken in the first place soon after that. My early work tells the whole story better but it was all uphill from there. That son is 21 now and no one treats me like that anymore but by the same token I don’t treat myself like that anymore either. My kids saw me stand up to my parents and to my husband as well as his abusive family and stick up for myself, they witnessed my recovery, how I overcame depression, how I became strong and functioning again, and I try to the best of my ability to model equal value for all people. I and my family are light years away from the way it used to be!
      Hugs, Darlene

  17. By: sahitha Posted: 28th June

    Very thought provoking article. I had been too trusting of people all my life and was hurt when they weren’t what I thought they were. Reading this article made me aware of some of my beliefs like there has to be trust in all relationships, if I cannot trust somebody then I cannot have a relationship with them etc. I mean this mostly in friendships. I also did not realise that I had this pattern of trusting someone until they had proven untrustworthy. This explains lot of the emotional pain I suffered from backstabbing colleagues and jealous “friends”. I had blindly and somewhat naively accepted good nature as part of people and became upset and pained when they turned out to be not so good natured after all.

    I know now that all people in my ??? friendships and relationships including work were very similar to biological parents.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 29th June

      Hi Sahitha
      Yes, I didn’t magically grow up and find healthy relationships. The model of relationship that I grew up with was one sided. (I talk about this a lot in my early work) I was very attracted to relationships that were familiar to me ~ I was comfortable with being the one who served in the relationship; the one who tried harder. This was a result of being in the position that I was in in childhood. It took me a while to change that default system but I did it!
      Hugs, Darlene

  18. By: JJ Posted: 3rd June

    My mom complains that I don’t trust people. OF COURSE I don’t trust people. How can I when my own mom LIED to me about an OB/GYN exam I had to have at the age of 12. (The exam was necessary, but mom didn’t tell me everything, she just “lied by omission.”) And then when I was traumatized from it, she had the audacity to SCOLD me for being rude to the MALE doctor. HELL, I WAS TRAUMATIZED! No the doctor didn’t do anything wrong. I just got lied to about what was going to happen.

  19. By: Sherrie Posted: 31st March

    I am so glad you keep all of the posts on here. I needed some help with trust today and being able to go back and find a subject that is relevant to my current pace is so great. I have been so ashamed to admit this, but I think that since no one on here will know who I am, I can say it somehow into the universe and it will, at least, be released out of me. I do not trust myself. I sabotage every good thing that happens. As soon as it becomes evident that I am going to show how well I can do something, I shrink back in deliberate humiliation. I have been taught not to outshine my mother or my older sister. I cannot be smarter, prettier, happier, or more accomplished. I didn’t even pursue my dreams of going away to college and becoming a Psychiatrist, because my family members told me that I was not special enough to work with the mental health population. They were so wrong. I have a son with Autism and worked for four years with special ed students, and loved it. It felt like home. The thing that I am most embarrassed to admit, is that I don’t trust God. I can remember sitting in church watching other people cry and feel moved by a song or a sermon. I remember feeling nothing. I was convinced that the only way I could go to heaven was by default. I thought that God was a narcissist too, and that if I dotted my i’s and crossed all my t’s then I would be acceptable enough to let in, but that my family was deserving of entry. Then there were times that I felt that even He would get my hopes up about it and then change His mind and send me packing to the heat. I still struggle with this. I think I have always accepted it as my lot in life. I was to live my life as a slave to my family, never know happiness, and when it was all over the real suffering would begin. I have read several posts about people moving away and healing. There is no other answer for me. I have moved back in with my parents. I gave in and proved them right again. I became pathetic so my mother would accept me. I didn’t even realize I was doing it, until I went online and found information like this. I live in fear of her rage and sabotage. She recently caused me to lose everything. She manipulates so well. Distance is my answer, even if it is for just enough time to hear my own voice inside my own head. Thank you for the mental empowerment, now to put that into action. I’m scared, but all it takes sometimes is the first step, right?

  20. By: Annie Posted: 14th February

    Hi Darlene-
    Another great article. I love the comments on Self trust. That’s a biggie. I’m at the beginning of my awakened out of the fog journey. But I have some starts behind me. I have bee awake, but didn’t invest myself in healing at that time. But I’m doing it now and learning so much more I ever thought there was to learn. It’s scary the damage that one can do to oneself just by being asleep.

    Anyway, trust is a big one for me and one of my first lessons I came to realize I had neglected. Trust is something earned not just freely given. I have been doing it backward all this time and just this one lesson was a huge aha moment for me. Even bigger, was realizing a little bit further down the road that FOO doesn’t just get it because their your FOO.

    I seriously thought I could trust them all. But I now know I was a real fool in believing that. (Ha! Notice the first three letters in the word fool?) 😉

    I am really just becoming fully awake so it’s like, “Oh, now I get why my life hasn’t been working.” And although it’s alarming, it’s also freeing. It is also a relief to now feel justified in my shakes of the head when I was met with phrases like, “Just let it go and other similar phrases. I thought something was wrong with me since everyone else in the fam was saying the same thing.

  21. By: Melody Posted: 12th February

    All, There has been a new development in my dysfunctional family system. My brother who lives away just sent out a heavily guilt laden email to us 3 sisters who cannot get along. Since I trust no contact I get from my FOO anyway, I feel no guilt for bowing out of it all. I do find ir hilarious that he actually thinks it’s all our fault that we don’t get along. Nothing to do with his perfect little angel of a mothers’ behavior. So my sisters are now feeling belittled like I have been for years. I will not respond to the ridiculous attempt to get Nmom’s family back together after she’s been destroying it for years. Wow that didn’t take long at all for mommy dearest to enlist the boy’s help. He’s been out of town or overseas since high school and doesn’t know how she operates.I expect one of my sisters to call me soon and try to patch things up because they are hurt now also . I’m not taking that bait as I’ve been betrayed and badmouthed to my Nmom for years by both of these sisters. The youngest brother was spared this email as he is the golden child. This makes me even stronger in my resolve to stay away. Mother made her bed and must lay in it…peace all…

  22. By: Raven Posted: 6th February

    You have such a wonderful gift of really getting to the heart of the matter. For me, trust is such a huge thing. I rememeber throughout my life, there were many times where my little voice or intuition would whisper to me that this person, event, etc., was not trustworthy, and my parents, especially my mum, would tell me I was wrong. I learned that I had to give trust and not expect it back, or worse, take whatever was given back and be thankful for it. (Beggars can’t be choosers was my mum’s saying) I have learned too many times that my voice, my intuition is right more than anyone else’s opinion or belief. I too can identify with so many others who have posted here about false friends. My problem is now and has been, that there aren’t a lot of trustworthy people out there. If I am trustworthy to someone and they prove not to be with me, then I have to re-evaluate the whole relationship and decide whether or not they can be trusted in the future. When I have done this, people all of a sudden get really upset and expect me to be open with no reservations. They have gotten upset and I find myself alone.
    My stepfather called me a perpetual liar, anything and everything that ever came our of my mouth was lies. In reality, I didn’t lie, and when I look at him and how he lives his life, he is the liar. If I had lied like he has, I’d be beaten. I’d have been made an example.
    To trust in one’s self is the greatest gift and freedom that anyone can give themselves. My problem is I can’t find any really trustworthy people. I hate being so alone. My grandfather who I really loved would say, he’d rather be lonely than live with mean and deceitful people. I think I am living my life this way.
    One person I know says she doesn’t trust in people, this way, she won’t get disappointed if they hurt her. This isn’t a way to live. In the climate of people today, when it seems as if everyone is out to step on everyone to get ahead, it is so hard to trust much less expose one’s self to what ever’s out there. Where are the decent people? (where I live, I mean, not on this website… 🙂 )

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 6th February

      Hi Raven
      Yes, and being defined as a ‘begger’ was part of the problem in the first place! Being brainwashed to believe that we had no right to expect anything BUT the crumbs!
      Isn’t it interesting to see that most of the insults hurled at you were in reality the truth about them!
      I have found that I can be in relationship with people as long as I have my boundry in place while the truth unfolds about trust stuff. Thats what I mean about trust not being mandatory. Trusting me has been huge; trusting me means that I know that I will keep myself safe and stand up to anything that hurts me or devalues me in relationship. I also know that I value other people the same way.
      About ‘decent people’ ~ It was amazing how when I drew my boundaries and saw the truth more clearly that I attracted a different type of person and I found some of those decent people!
      Hugs, Darlene

      • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 6th February

        Hi Everyone
        I have been ill with some sort of stomach but but today I am feeling better and I have published a new post!!
        This one is about the ‘why’ behind people who refuse to hear what you are trying to explian. It also talks about my marriage and how my husband Jim, at first, refused to hear what I was trying to tell him too.

        You can read it here: “The Reason that People don’t Hear what You are Trying to say”

        Hugs, Darlene

  23. By: Libby Posted: 6th February

    I too didn’t really realize that I trust people until they are proven untrustworthy. This has gotten me into so many dangerous places…….
    WHile I think I trust my gut instincts, the fact is, that time after time I over-road them and did not trust myself….
    That the abusers in my life had “rewritten my reality,” making me feel that what I think and feel and do is wrong, so I struggle greatly with self-doubt. The only feelings I learned to trust were fear, shame and self-loathing….
    But I am learning to change all that.. its slow progress and so easily de-railed, but I now recognise and acknowledge my warning signs more.. I don’t always get it right – but I do keep myself safe.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 6th February

      Hi Libby
      That is awesome; I hear your willingness to keep going and esp. love your statement “I don’t always get it right – but I do keep myself safe.”
      Hugs, Darlene

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