Is Trust a Necessary Key to Emotional Healing?

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trust and emotional healing
Mutual Trust

I didn’t have to learn how to trust in order to heal.  In fact if trust had been the criteria or even part of the requirement for healing, I may not have ever achieved emotional healing.  I had to take a few chances, I had to reveal a few secrets and take the chance that doing that might have negative results, but honestly, looking back over it, I didn’t actually have to trust.

I didn’t trust anyone when I began this journey. I had learned that trust was a dangerous thing to do. I got by alright without trust.

There are different ways to look at this I suppose. Two of my children were born via cesarean section.  I suppose that it could be assumed that I had to trust that the surgeon would do the job right, but the truth is that I had no choice. It was either let him do the surgery, or die. That was not the same as putting my trust in him. In this same way as a child I had no choice but to “trust” that the adults in my life were doing the best that they could too. Rebelling against them surely meant death.  I accepted their wishes and for the most part complied with what they wished from me. But that is not exactly trust in the way that we think of it as adults. Through my childhood and the way that I was so ill regarded, I learned a false definition of trust.

You don’t have to trust me. I believe that I am trust worthy, but how would you know that for yourself? I have had a few angry people on this website, so you may be able to find people that would suggest that you should NOT trust me.  It doesn’t really matter though because trusting me is not the key. I have very intentionally written the articles in this website to inspire HOPE for healing without trying to convince anyone that they have to “trust me” in order to achieve emotional healing. I write the way that I speak trying to communicate that this process is what worked for me. The things I write about are the processes and insights that have worked for me in my emotional growth and healing processes and that is all I can convey to the reader.  I let my work speak for itself, but you have a choice about how you feel or react towards what I present here.

I had to think about what “trust” meant to me. Trusting meant that I believed this “new person” would not invalidate me like I had been invalidated for most of my life. The problem was; how could I do that when invalidation was so much of what I had been raised on? I was used to it. It was familiar and comfortable.  How was I to believe that the next person (who had an answer for me) was going to be any different in the way they regarded me?

For me, having to “trust” someone else in the healing process produced further anxiety and fear. So I thought about “why do I have to trust??” The truth is that I don’t have to trust.

All that I needed in the beginning was the hope that I could recover and heal from the past. I had a glimmer of hope that I could overcome depressions and dissociative issues.  I had an inkling that I might find healing if I faced the reasons why I had so many trust issues. As always, it was at the roots of the damage where I found the keys to freedom.  

I gave myself permission NOT to trust until I had good reason to trust. I trusted people a little bit at a time when they continued to prove themselves trustworthy. People earned my trust when they treated me with respect and equal value. When people invalidated me or treated me as though I were beneath them, that was when I knew NOT to trust them. Those people are no longer worthy of my trust.  

I learned to trust myself way before I learned to trust anyone else. I learned to trust myself by realizing all the lies that I had come to believe about myself and setting the truth straight. I was convinced by the actions and inactions of others that I was invalid and unworthy of love and that was what I knew as truth. Invalidation was all I knew. Empowerment and validation of my human worth had not been taught to me. I trusted that I could face the truth about how that happened and I faced it one step at a time. Through that process, I began to trust that I could learn to love myself and I trusted that I could learn to take care of my own needs. 

I began to trust myself when I started to change the way that I regarded me. I no longer regard myself the way “they” taught me to regard myself.

It was when I achieved some progress in self love and self trust that I was finally able to trust a few other people in my life because once I trusted myself, it wasn’t such a big risk to trust others. As I grew stronger, I knew that I could protect myself if someone violated my trust. I knew that I could stand up to that kind of invalidation. I knew that I could be there for me. I was no longer a victim of the world and its people.

Today I know that “trust” was not a key in the healing process.  I didn’t trust most of the people who helped me. I gave myself permission NOT to trust which gave me the freedom to move forward without the usual fears I had when I was with other people.  I had to go through the process of trial and error. I had to take those little steps forward, testing the foundation, testing the waters, checking my feelings and asking myself if I was safe and if I didn’t feel safe was that a real feeling or a belief system leftover feeling? 

This has been a big part of the process of “Emerging from Broken”.

Please feel welcome to share your thoughts in the comments here. Please remember that the name you use in the comment form will be the name the other readers will see therefore you are welcome to use any name you wish here. (first name only, or even a fake name) Your email address (which is only asked for to validate that you are a real person) will remain private.

There is freedom on the other side of broken,

Darlene Ouimet

Are you aware my of my e-book “Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing”? If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you and you would like to find out “HOW” I broke out of the oppression I lived in, this 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to busting out of the fog and to healing. I’ve received hundreds of thank you notes from people that have bought my book. Get yours here for 9.97 through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

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48 response to "Is Trust a Necessary Key to Emotional Healing?"

  1. By: Laurie Posted: 28th February

    Yes it really does. 🙂 And learning to trust myself is an ongoing process. It has meant facing the reality of what others are, learning to hold my own in the face of pressure, not worrying about what others think of me, self-forgiveness (rather than self-blame) for deluding myself in the past, and accepting current failures as ‘doing my best’.

  2. By: Laurie Posted: 28th February

    Wow, this post really hit home for me. I have always given trust too easily. In reality, it was just my lack of self esteem pushing me to “trust” those I knew I really shouldn’t. So in my healing, I have had to allow myself to NOT trust, because to me, requiring someone to really earn trust is equivalent to trusting myself.

    But one of my biggest fears has been that I don’t know if I will ever be able to really trust people again. And that’s what hit home about this article. I am hearing you say that I don’t have to worry about that. Which is a very freeing thing to hear.

    Thank you!

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 28th February

      Hi Laurie!
      It takes the pressure off doesn’t it?? I can’t tell you how many times I thougth I would have to trust someone in order to heal and my heart would just sink. Those words “trust me” had been used against me so many times… they had been the set up for many types of abuse. What a relief that I didn’t have to! (and today I actually can trust, because I trust me! )
      Hugs, Darlene

  3. By: Deborah Posted: 25th February

    Wow thanks i always wondered why I had such a hard time trusting….and self trust seemed impossible, being told that I was wrong or something wrong with me for feeling, thinking as I did…I found that my gut instinct was right but it was almost like I went in the opposite direction…. I still dont fully understand what that was about..when I met my ex partner I had a gut instinct that he would not get me or see me but because of that I was compulsive in needing to win his love….which was impossible in the end…and ended in so much pain.. Im finally free of a lot of the pain but I still have self doubt as he is with someone and inside my head a voice says “hes with her because she is a more together person” despite this before we separated he said ..”I love you cause you are you and not like anyone else” within two weeks it had turned around and he was calling me names…thanks for reminding me that trust needs to be earned.. and thanks Pam for your bank deposit analogy.. its makes so much sense.

  4. By: Brenda Posted: 19th February

    The Tag Cloud! DOH – Thanks Darlene! 🙂

  5. By: Brenda Posted: 19th February

    Hi Darlene,

    Do you know off-hand the particular blog you mentioned when you were going through “who was I going to be now”? If so, would you mind providing me with that link?

    As far as the link I provided above, Sorry it didn’t work. It is in .pdf format, so maybe that is the snag? Anyway, it was an excellent and lengthy review for the book:
    “Trusting Yourself: How to Stop Feeling Overwhelmed and Live More Happily with Less Effort” by M. J. Ryan

    Here is the amazon link, FYI: http://www.amazon.com/Trusting-Yourself-Feeling-Overwhelmed-Happily/dp/0767914902

    I noticed that it does have the option to “Click to LOOK INSIDE”, so that maybe helpful.

    Ryan talks about how self-trust has become a lost art/virtue. How it seems that we are always looking for the answers outside of ourselves etc. I find it a rare and refreshing topic and am glad that she has addressed it!

    Some of the reviews are less than 5 stars, but I think for people who have had a very difficult/abusive/traumatic upbringing, it could indeed be very useful information.

  6. By: Brenda Posted: 19th February

    Hi Darlene,

    I ran across an excellent article recently on the subject of self-trust which is really helping me a lot!

    Here is the link for anyone that is interested:

    https://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&q=cache:tTO0RRG35A4J:www.frumi.com/images/uploads/TrustYourself.pdf+how+to+trust+yourself&hl=en&gl=us&pid=bl&srcid=ADGEESgUWuNXQ5fJnXBEWL-_Lt6qrlYgoOJr9c9YFzCWICTkk6yG_KOK5SGgl9VqJYSOyvUn9FlCtIsGhHUGcI_YU8eHc5_vUkF-LwVWYtReAY28l6cDlXOhcSr07TidKSum0jBZAIVn&sig=AHIEtbSFH1Sh9x8PuiOUv23ffOclMUgHfw

    I am in a state of a major transition right now in my life, and rather than just plow forward and push my feelings aside (which is what I did in the past), I am making the conscious decision to remain *present* with myself and my feelings during this process.

    The benefits of self-trust is helping me to remain (somewhat) calm through this and not get all freaked-out and make any more major, unhealthy decisions in my life!

    I am learning that I already have exactly what I need to get through this and it has been there all along. I just have to trust and rely on my own judgement about my own reality and not be swayed by any and all external forces and influences – past, present and future.

    I guess, in a way, it is actually a new identity I am in the process of fostering and adopting for myself. I’m feeling that the PRIMARY label of victim/survivor (though 100% legitimate) isn’t serving me anymore and of course this begs the question…Who Am I Going To Me…NOW?

    I haven’t quite figured that one out yet, but I have no doubt that I will…and I don’t think that would be possible if I didn’t just recently realize that self-trust beats at the very heart of it.

    Thanks for letting me share ~ 🙂

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 19th February

      Hi Brenda,
      Excellent comments! I had that fear… or anxiety about “who was I going to be now”. (I have written about it in this site) but like other things that answer came as a result of going forward and doing this work!
      Thank you so much for these inspiring comments!
      Hugs, Darlene
      (I can’t get the link to work )

  7. By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 12th February

    Hi Pam
    I have times like that too. And I always feel “disapointed” that what I thought was past isn’t. That certain things have to be faced “again” sometimes. And sometimes I feel exhausted! I think that is normal in this healing process.
    Thanks for sharing,
    Hugs, Darlene

  8. By: Pam Posted: 11th February

    Hey Darlene,I read your new post and commented but I think comment 19 spoke to me the most. I think that is where I am right now. I’ve been feeling a lot of grief this week. I thought I was past it but I guess not. I’ve also, been feeling so weary of it but now I see that is just one stage in the process. Thanks.

    Love,
    Pam

  9. By: sojourner Posted: 10th February

    After reading the post and most of the comments I see that trust is a choice. There are as many definitions of trust as there are experiences leading to those definitions. By necessity survivors of abuse run relationships new and old through our trust algorithm. Therapists, spouses, bosses, new neighbors, old friends, family, clergy, and church leaders. Like some of the others I had to withdraw trust from a psychiatrist because I confirmed what I suspected. He did not believe I had RA abuse. He thought my memories were delusions. No more psychiatrist, meds cut back to a low dose anti-depressant in the winter prescribed by my family doctor. Since I have no insurance I won’t even see him again until June. Because of no insurance I am limited on obtaining therapy.
    I quit trusting my therapist for a while because I wasn’t sure what I wanted and needed was going to match up with her skills and her opinion. I asked questions about her of a former client of hers that I know and spent time in prayer asking for guidance. I have DID as a result of the RA and a part of the “job” of the system is keep everyone safe and to keep the system going. My system has constantly sabotaged me. In a sense I can’t even completely trust “myselves” in this healing process. I can barely keep a job and work low level jobs because of the stress of keeping it due to interference from my alters. I had to choose to go back to see this therapist even though I barely had any trust. I found a way to open up by writing things down and reading them to her in spite of the “no, no, no” going on inside. I am glad I did this…we have uncovered some things about my system that we can work on. Unfortunately she has decided to take a thing called a vacation and go see her grandchildren clear across the country…so I have to wait. But its ok because I know she needs the break…after all she is human!

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 11th February

      Hi Sojourner!
      Thanks for sharing. I find that trust is way more a choice today than it used to be. I think I said I trusted way more then I ever really did in the past.
      Hugs, Darlene

  10. By: Lynn Posted: 10th February

    Darlene, until this post, I thought there was a defect in my healing process because I do not learn to trust. Your perspective sure gave me something to think about. I do concentrate on the ways that my husband shows me he is trustworthy. My family of origin did not exactly teach me to trust. In fact, it’s like they deliberately taught me that you can’t trust anyone. Oh, the phrases I heard from my parents regarding relatives: “She will rob you blind.” “He will stab you in the back.” “She is two-faced.” “He is a conniving SOB.” “She is a cunning B.” “Can’t trust him as far as you can throw a rope, a snake, a…” “Watch your back, she’ll turn on you like a dime.” [What child can understand THAT phrase.} And the confusion over what was safe to say to whom when. IE My mother would say, “Don’t say anything to Aunt Susie about ______. She’s really sensitive…” The family and their phrases controlled who I spoke to than to announce everyone else’s’ untrustworthiness. I have a rough draft of an essay re: trust waiting for my blog. I think the post remained unfinished because I had never considered the perspective you provide. Now I have a missing piece. Cheers! Lynn

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 10th February

      Hi Lynn
      Oh yes… great points and great reminders about all those sayings! Total mixed messages that get STUCK in our young minds! They colour our whole lives. We are taught not to trust in SO many ways! and then reprimanded for it and then trust is demanded often by the very people who taught us not to trust in the first place.
      I was thinking this morning about being told by a therapist that I had to trust him or “it” wasn’t going to work. (I didn’t trust him but I didn’t tell him that”) I was wondering WHY I had to trust him in order for it to work?? Really I just needed a little faith in the process ~ but trust him??? doesn’t make sense to me anymore! It is the false definition of trust!
      Hugs, Darlene

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 10th February

      Hi All!
      I just published a new post ~ this one is a little different ~ I wrote it to myself in 2007 when I was only part way out of the fog of dysfunction! I was trying to convince myself that going forward with healing was worth it and I disguised that fear in a little pep talk about gardening. Hope you like it!
      Hugs, Darlene

  11. By: Pam Posted: 9th February

    Jen, I so agree with you about false teachings regarding forgiveness and I think it fits here so well as the way I’ve had it used against me actually confuses forgiveness with trust. It is possible to forgive and withhold trust. I forgive my parents but they won’t take responsibility for their actions. I can’t give them trust and there can be no healthy parent/child relationship without trust. They don’t trust me either because they know I’m not like my sister and brother and that I remember a lot about my childhood. They’ve done a good job of deflecting and much of what I remember has never been talked about. However, they are afraid of what I remember. It’s horrible to be together. There’s absolutely nothing to say after, “hi, how are you?”. I haven’t been able to look my dad in the eye for decades. I forgive them because I think they are very sick but they can’t get well unless they take responsibility for their behavior. I believe that holding them accountable is the loving thing to do. There are plenty who disagree with me on this but I apply the same boundaries to relationship that God does. I think my point of view is the Biblical one and the other form of cheap, easy forgiveness is very unbiblical.

    Pam

  12. By: Jen Posted: 9th February

    Darlene,

    Thank you for this. It was just what I needed to read. For me at this exact moment, the most important thing I took from this was learning to trust myself. To trust my instincts. It has just come to my attention that I have been the victim of RA (cultish) in addition the rest of the abuses and certainly making sure I never trusted my own perception or instincts was par for the course. Funny thing is, I didn’t lose those instincts, I just ignored them with the thought that I must have been wrong. My healing journey today is a matter of going back to my childhood and reclaiming them so that I can put them to good use today.

    Like you, I don’t trust people easily or quickly either. I think I am one of those people who keep a scorecard. Burn me once, cover it with lies, and I’m done with you. I think part of the issue with trust is that it is also confused with the false teachings surrounding Christian forgiveness today. By false teaching I mean, forgive offenses from other Christians even though they are unrepentant. Just let it slide. If you don’t then you are judging. Of course, this tactic is part of Spiritual Abuse implemented into my life early on. If only more people would read their Bible, they would not fall into this. I gave a lot of my life away to it, that’s for sure. But no more.

    Hope everyone is well.
    Jen

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 9th February

      Hi Carol
      Thanks for sharing, glad you are here!
      Hugs, Darlene

      Hi Robert
      Thank you! It was really important for me to learn that degrees and titles don’t make someone a great person and they don’t give someone all the answers either. Some people go after certain jobs because they want that positional power more than the want to help someone else.
      Hugs, Darlene

      Hi Jen
      I think I lost a lot of my instincts because I ignored them for so long! But I got them back through healing.
      Thanks for sharing!
      Hugs, Darlene

  13. By: robert Posted: 8th February

    In all truth, looking at the experiences that I had with psychologists and counselors, I can pretty much say with clarity, that I could NOT trust them to know what was best for me. I wanted them to know, and I expected them to know, but they never did. I am not blaming them for being insincere or faulty. I am saying that I had to learn to trust myself to know what I needed to do. I was/am the only one who can make the best decisions for me. Darlene, you have been such a strong advocate for individual freedom and trusting in our individual voice and insight as being worthy. Thank you for being here.

  14. By: carol Posted: 8th February

    wow, again darlene. you hit the nail on the head with this thing called trust. the thing that takes so long to build but is so easily destroyed.
    as a child and into young adulthood, i had the idea that there was nothing a stranger could do to hurt me as my family had already hurt me so much. i was wrong about that, but that was because i held onto the ones that abused me mentally and verbally yet then did the same to the mext person. my personal relationships where all over the shot. i drank so i didnt have to make choices that others expected of me. i drank to sleep so i didnt have to face a world where those who said they loved me hurt me so bad. even now i havent been able to overcome this issue, but is a work in progress.
    when i found this site, years ago now, i was in so much turmoil as to what and how i was meant to behave in relation to my mother and other people who thought they could manlipulate me to take the blame for things i knew to be the fault of others, and that discount my life experinces, because they didnt match what they wanted from me. the validation i found here gave the strength to stick to my guns and if i knew i was wrong to say i was wrong, to admit if i was unsure and yet to be able to fight for my version of what happened to me. to be able to state me opinions and be able to let others have theirs has been hard, especially when it involves discounting somebodies experinces, usually mine. but i have ben able to grow and know i am letting things in without being aware now. my awareness stick that used to beat me is now help to block the blows the past still tries to send my way.
    my old motto of ‘ that offence is the best form of defence’ stood me in good stead, when it was needed as a sheild. now im older and hopefully a little wiser and am moving towards better times. well once i crack those last few issues anyways

  15. By: Diane Koenigsberg Posted: 8th February

    Hi Darlene,

    I agree with you completely. I’ve adopt a medium ground like you. I don’t trust or mistrust. Trusting a little at a time is a truly balanced approach, that is based on reality.

    Thank you!
    Diane

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 8th February

      Hi Diane
      Welcome to EFB! Thanks for sharing!
      Hugs, Darlene

  16. By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 8th February

    Hi Razz
    Welcome to EFB
    Professionals are just people. Many of them are not trustworthy!
    Glad you are here!
    Hugs, Darlene

  17. By: Razz Posted: 7th February

    I found this article to be very helpful and informative. As I have said on Facebook, I am beginning my healing process over again. I started once before, but the trust I put in to a therapist/psychiatrist turned to be very misplaced. I ended up getting hurt further rather than healing. I have tried to avoid the psychiatrists/therapist setting because I find it to be difficult to place myself into that position again.
    This article on trust has put some of my issues into a different perspective. Thank you for broadening my perspective.

  18. By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 7th February

    Hi Libby
    I have been abused by therapists so that would not have worked for me either. I think a huge problem with trust is that we are brainwashed into thinking trust has something to do with acceptance or love (for the other person). That is part of any grooming process.
    About your question, here is what I do now when I feel unsure about a situation; I ask myself what is the worst thing that could happen. Then I ask myself what I am willing to do about it ~ for instance call the police and press charges or tell the person that they are not working out for me, or whatever. I make a few “plans” for the “just in case scenarios”. You could as for an interview time and prepare questions about this person’s opinions and reactions to certain issues before you agree to go to that person as a therapist. Trusting myself is about knowing that I can take care of me and that I am willing to stand up FOR me.
    Hugs, Darlene

    Hi Lynn
    I didn’t trust my husband either but it was suddenly when I came out “of the fog” and realized that he put himself (or his business) before me in many circumstances. He was really upset to realize that I had some trust issues, in fact it drove him nuts and we fought over it. But he had trust confused with love, and his actions (putting the biz before me) did not show love either… we had to get both words sorted out. It was not only because of the abuse of my past in my case. In the end, He realized WHY I didn’t totally trust him and it was okay and he knew he has stuff to work on too~
    Trust was never part of the requirement for us to get our marriage sorted out. (today I do trust him! We did a lot of healing work to get here!)
    great to hear from you!
    Hugs, Darlene

  19. By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 7th February

    Hi Pam
    Yes. I think that we have the wrong definition of trust in the first place. There is a lot of manipulation around that word through out the whole world. And lots of baggage too.
    Just from reading these first 5 comments I have ideas for more articles about this topic!
    Hugs and thanks for sharing!
    Darlene

    Hi Fai
    I had a lot of “permission” things to get through! Thanks for your support!
    Hugs, Darlene

    Hi Patricia
    Great comments. Reminds me of all the inconsistency that we grew up with too. (judgement is moody)
    Hugs, Darlene

  20. By: Lynn Posted: 7th February

    Thanks for the article about trust. After 10 years of marriage, my husband and I went to counseling with the chief complaint that I could not trust. I said, “I trust you as much as I can trust anybody.” I will admit that I don’t trust anyone at all. My measure of trust for my husband has not increased. Oh, and what Pam says, it is so true that those in the psych profession ask clients to trust them. I don’t trust myself in many ways but I respect my own instinct, intuition, insight more than ever. Glad to hear that learning to trust is not a condition of healing.

  21. By: Libby Posted: 7th February

    I would have to say that trust has been – and continues to be – a big deal for me. I have not been put in the position of therapists expecting me to trust them on first meeting them – I would not be able to do that anyway. Trust – like respect – has to be earned. Lets face it, too many people who SHOULD have been trustworthy in our lives have proved to be completely false.
    I have been let down – not just by family, but others who really had a duty of care towards me, as a child and adolescent. It continued as a young adult. Even as recently as 3 yrs ago I had people I counted as friends let me down when I needed them the most. SO I have had to learn who I can trust – what that looks/feels like – what ARE my gut feelings – and why I have over-ridden them in the past. Recognising the root of this has been tough – and tougher still learning HOW to do things differently now that I know this. Self trust is the base-line – Trust that I AM worthy, that I DESERVE to be treated with respect, kindness and consideration. That I DO have rights. And now I know that therapists and others are required to behave decently and not abuse my fragile trust…. If they do, there will be consequences – I will remove myself from their circle.
    I agree trust is not a key requirement to start healing – but I think it does help. I had to develop trust in my therapists – got a meeting with a new one on Thursday this week and who I have a lot of anxiety about. This comes about because someone I had been seeing for some time has retired and recommended this new person as her successor – but…..the new therapist is male, and that raises huge concerns for me. So – do I believe my old (faulty) thinking, – or my previous therapist that I am ready to do this? OR do I just chicken out and run for the hills??? OR give the guy and chance and see how I feel in a few weeks???
    By now I am familiar with my ambivalence in this situation, and its roots – I have come this far by suspending my trust/suspicion and going with the flow when I am in a safe environment to do so. I would go so far to say that by doing this I have developed MORE trust in myself and my ability to heal, to cope.

  22. By: Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker Posted: 7th February

    Trust was not one of my first issues to be looked at either. Trust for me comes slowly. There are some people who have earned my trust and some who will never get it and that is as it should be. I was slower to learn to trust women because all of the important women in my childhood were judgmental. I also had to learn to trust myself before I could trust anyone. It was a very slow process.

  23. By: Fai Posted: 7th February

    Thanks for the hope Darlene and putting it so understandably-permission NOT to trust.

  24. By: Pam Posted: 7th February

    Darlene, The part of seeking therapy that always bothered me the most was the kind of trust psychologists and psychiatrists ask for. The only one I give that kind of trust is God. They would probably say that the reason they couldn’t help me very much was that I didn’t give them that trust but I think I gave them too much trust and I’m glad I didn’t give them the trust I give to God. I think of trust as a savings account and a person who wants to have a relationship with me must make deposits in that account over a period of time and those regular deposits represent the amount of trust I give them. If they break that trust, them some or all of those deposits are withdrawn. At that point, I may choose to close the account or allow them to start over by making regular deposits.

    What I share or don’t share about my life and the abuse I’ve suffered is up to me to decided. The only thing I don’t want to continue doing is to protect my abusers and continue to carry their shame and guilt, by remaining silent. I don’t think most people want to hear about the sexual abuse that happened to me, it’s repugnant and I’m sure some people don’t want that picture in their head but if they are going to be a close friend, they need to accept and understand what happened to me. What happened to me happened during the time in my life when my personality was still developing and it is a part of who I am. I rejected that little girl (that was shattered into many little girls) for a long time but now I’ve embraced her and I love her. Anyone who says they love me, must love and accept her too. I want to get to the point where I can talk about my sexual abuse in front of a whole room full of strangers, if I choose to do so. I also, want to retain the right to remain sient if I choose to. I had little power to prevent the things that happened to me back then and part of taking that power now means choosing when, where, and to whom I reveal my past. There aren’t many people that I trust and all the trust I give to other human beings has limits. I do trust God and when I choose to reveal the things that happened to me, I am trusting Him and the power He’s given me to govern my life, not the people I reveal my past to. It’s the best way I know of to not be made a victim again. I can’t control what others do and I can’t tell just by looking if they are trust-worthy but I can put my trust in God and me, while I tally the deposits they make in the trust account that is a prerequisit for relationship.

    Pam

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