Aug
05

Introducing The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

By
470
Emerging from Broken The beginning of hope

“This warm, wonderful book shows you how to put the past behind and become a happy, inspired and joyful person.”~Brian Tracy – Author, Kiss That Frog

 I am excited to announce that my first e-book ~ “Emerging from Broken ~ The beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing” ~ is finally ready! The original articles from my early work have been edited, cleaned up and some cases, re-written and I have re-ordered them for better flow and readability. The e-book is 197 full pages, printable and live linked to the associated website articles~ and it’s a steal of a deal for only $9.97

It’s been well over 2 years since I first got the idea to reorganize, edit and compile some of my key blog posts into e-books after receiving thousands of emails and comments through the blog and questions on the Emerging from Broken-Facebook page from people asking where to start reading and how to navigate through the EFB website. Thousands and thousands of people want to know “where to start” this healing process.

I share the “Where” and “How” answers in the ‘Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing’ collection of my writing. The way that I write shines a light on a path that I have travelled. The answers that I have found are available for you to find in your own way, in your own life and in your own time and thousands of people report that this light I am shining has lit up a path for them as well.

If you are anything like me, I thought I was alone in the way that I felt and the way that I experienced life.  I even thought that I might be a little “crazy”. I thought that it was me and that it was my fault and since I had been “told” through the actions and inactions of the people in my life that it ‘was me’, I believed it. But it wasn’t me. Their actions were not about me but I couldn’t see it. I just kept trying harder and I explain why in the book. Understanding the ‘why’ about me went miles towards overcoming the damage.

Majority doesn’t rule when it comes to the way that people define people and just because everyone says it’s you, doesn’t mean it is you. Emerging from Broken is kind of like overcoming brainwashing. I wasn’t born with low self-esteem and through looking at the ways that it got damaged I was able recover it. I found out that it wasn’t so much about what was wrong with me, as it was about what was what was communicated to me about me.

This e-book is available for download on your computer or laptop. There are versions for Kindle and iPad as well as other e-readers. Your choice! (All of these options will be available to you when you get the book!) AND if you like to write in the margins, print a copy for yourself!

AND I have included a special feature in this e-book;

Since unity and community has been a big part of the healing experience for so many and since each blog post on the Emerging from Broken website has a discussion associated with it, I have kept the original titles so that if the reader of “The beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing” has a particular interest in a particular title within the book they can go to the original post and read the comments and get further insight. I have personally participated in these discussions, answered questions from commenters and there is a wealth of healing information in those discussions! Depending on which version you download, the titles are LIVE LINKED ~ which means that when you click on them, they take you straight to the conversation on the article itself.

If you are not familiar with my work or are new to my website, read some of what people are saying ~ When I asked my readers to send me endorsements and feedback about my work on Emerging from Broken I was overwhelmed with almost 200 endorsements and thank you notes. If you would like to read what people are saying about EFB many of these endorsements are right here in the website on the blog post ~ “Emerging from Broken Book News and my Birthday wish”  These endorsements are priceless, heartfelt and are sure to give you an idea about the value of the book itself.

Self-Help Movie Producer Robin Jay (remember I am co-staring in her next movie ~ the Secrets of the Keys!)endorsed my new book and she also encouraged me to send the manuscript to personal development and success expert Brian Tracy; I was really excited when I heard back from him! Brian Tracy is a New York Times bestselling author and he sent me an endorsement quote for the cover!

In order to cut down on expenses there isn’t a hard copy version at this time but ‘The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing’ is available for download as a pdf that you can read on your computer and print out exactly like the free “Guide to Getting Unstuck” that thousands of people have downloaded, read on their computers and it is also available in other e-reader formats.

Make sure that you register when you buy ~ your payment will bring up the registration page which is the page before the download page.

I am looking forward to your feedback! (The early feedback is really awesome so far!) I thank you in advance for your support! The book is available through the book button at the top of the right side bar here in Emerging from Broken.

Exposing Truth, in a great big chunk this time;

Darlene Ouimet

Categories : Freedom & Wholeness

62 Comments

1

Darlene, I’m part of the way through your e-book and I am very much enjoying it. Although maybe that is not the right word. No, I am finding similarities in our respective experiences in so many chapters. Sometimes I have to take a breath and put it down because I recognized yet another thing that happened to me too. I also find the way you offer your point of view and how you did it/are doing it refreshing. It’s not preachy like so many “self-help” books (and god knows I’ve read truckloads of those useless things). Maybe if you priced it at $238 the therapists would buy it;-)

2

Hi Alice

Thanks for the feedback! I appreciate it so much. 🙂
Hugs, Darlene

3

Darlene,
This is AWESOME!!! What a gift it is to have something like this to share! I can’t count how many times I’ve recommended your website to friends who have needed this kind of insight, hope and encouragement. It’s wonderful to be able to point them to your book now. Of course, I’ve benefited from your work too and I’m so appreciative of the gifts that you share with me and with the world.
Love and hugs and a high five with a cherry on top!
Christina

4

Hi Christina!

Thanks! I saw the recommendation for my book on your website (“Overcoming Sexual Abuse”) and it looks so great, and professional!

Seeing it there, I think the fact that I have a published book sunk in a little more! I appreciate it so much! And I appreciate YOU so much too!

Hugs, Darlene

5

Hi Darlene, I’m happy for your success! I know your book will help many broken people become whole again!
Love,
Pam

6

Hi Pam!
Thanks!!
Hugs, Darlene

9

Well, I bought the kindle version and here is my book review. “Emerging From Broken, the Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing” is a gem of a little book that belongs among the giants. First,this book should be required reading for every practicing therapist out there and a mandatory study guide for all college students getting degrees in any type of guidance and counseling.

For all of us who have spent years, even decades in counseling but eventually labelled ourselves therapeutic failures, this book holds the key as to why. The pieces of the puzzle that have been hidden for so long can be found inside these pages.

Unlike so many other books on healing from traumatic childhoods, this book is written right from the trenches. It is the most brave, honest self-help book I have ever read. It is both direct and easy to follow. There are no difficult sets of instructions or assignments to follow. It is a book of epiphanies and “ah ha” moments.

This is a book about inquiry, about examining the core beliefs we have brought with us from our childhoods into adulthood. We know from recent research that affirmations and positivity do not work and can actually backfire on people with low self esteem. Darlene doesn’t ask us to put on a happy face or chant “I love myself unconditionally” a thousand times a day. She asks us to look at what we really believe about ourselves and why. Prepare to be stunned, prepare to see the blinders come off and the weight to be lifted. This is where the process of healing can actually begin.

As simplistic as this sounds, don’t be fooled, this is really deep stuff. This kind of introspection requires diligence, patience and a willingness to be open and vulnerable. I have not completed the book yet. I am still processing all of the revelations that are coming rapidly right now. When Darlene shares her thoughts, feelings and her beliefs about herself they are so familiar, even though our experiences are different. I can personally relate to every story that Darlene has shared. She speaks our language, she has been there. This book will have universal appeal to all who struggling to heal.

I give this book 5 stars! I am certain it is going to be a catalyst, a touchstone and a most valuable resource on the path to healing and becoming whole. Thank you Darlene!

10

I just gave myself a birthday gift! I ordered your Ebook!! ( Darlene, I ordered it under my other email address so you may not recognize it as coming from me, but it is!) I am so much looking forward to reading this. Thank you from the bottom of my heart writing this and everything else you do.

11

Kaycee!
This book review made my whole week! I felt like I was reading a newspaper review! I read it out loud to my family and we all celebrated!
Thank you so much for expressing your thoughts about how this book is impacting you. I especially love the part about ‘required reading and a mandatory study guide’.. Maybe I should send it to some universities with your quote on the cover page!! I have always wanted to speak in universities to psychology students. 🙂
Thanks so much!
hugs, Darlene

Hi Amber!
YAY! That’s awesome. Let me know how you like it!
hugs, Darlene

I am getting a lot of private email about the book and so far the feedback is amazing!
Thanks everyone.
hugs, Darlene

12

Darlene, I will definitely let you know how I like it. I ‘m going to take time reading it so I can absorb everything. I suspect that I’m going to love it!

13

(((HUGS))) Darlene.

One thing I have struggled with is I did at times disobey, I did pretend to be sick once or twice to get out of school, and I did make mistakes as a child. Because of this,I have not ever quite been able to feel deep inside that I was not the cause of my family demoting me to ‘less than.”

Reading your book has helped me put this in perspective. It wasn’t possible for me to be a perfect child. My family took every normal trip and fall of of my childhood, blew it out proportion. They made a caricature out of me.

In doing this they were able to diminish their own trips and falls, while exaggerating mine. They were shameless in pointing the finger at the distorted picture they painted of me whenever anything when wrong.

I am finally getting that I wasn’t a bad child, nor am I a bad person, that I wasn’t born flawed with something wrong with me. I am starting to understand how horrible it was for them to so distort the normal, developmental learning and testing that all children experience. I am realizing how damaging it was to my self worth to be denied a safe , nurturing environment to learn and grow in.

I used to turn my record albums over and my books with pictures of the authors. I couldn’t stand having posters of my idols hanging in my room. I felt like the people in those photos were watching me. I was being watched, constantly for the smallest infraction. I am hyper self aware to this day, so afraid of taking one misstep, so afraid of being publicly shamed, humiliated and exposed for being such a clumsy, dumb ox.

Today I am going out to a fair and I am going to work with the idea that nobody is watching me waiting for me to screw up just to see how it feels to move around with that kind of freedom.

14

Kaycee, this is EXACTLY how I feel. My family did the same with my errors but at the same time told me that they “weren’t perfect” whenever I brought up how they had hurt me. Darlene goes into some good details about how abusers will hold their victims to standards and defnitions that they themselves do not meet towards towards the victim.

My mother also told me that I had brought my difficulties upon myself or that I had “chosen” to see things the way I did when it came to considering her mistreatment.

I have just finished my first reading of Darlene’s book and I am going to go straight back to the beginning and start again.

Darlene, your book is like fresh water to me. Thank you for writing it.

15

Isn’t it just so frustrating Alice? I mean, yeah, we were kids, we made mistakes. Even as adults we make mistakes. It’s like our mistakes carry this huge weight and burden. They use them to prove their beliefs and support their cause in an extremely judgmental way.

But their own mistakes are feathers in the wind. Our value isn’t high enough, we are held to a different standard. And yes, reading Darlene’s book gave me an ah ha moment about this because I always felt deep inside they were right about me because some of the stuff they still tell stories about I actually did do. But what it has always been about is me not being equal.

And then, thee is the fact that I am not allowed to talk about this, I am not allowed to challenge it, I am not allowed to be equal. I never needed the massive martyrdom and the interventions that they used to put themselves on a pedestal. Those things they credit themselves with rescuing me from (from myself) did huge damage to my self worth and stunted my growth so badly. They kept me from experiencing anything close to a normal childhood.

I’m supposed to look at all the good things, but they never act like I might be of value and have something to contribute. I am merely tolerated out of the goodness of their hearts. It is a demeaning relationship. Yet they will not even consider looking at what I have to say about this, they will not consider the possibility that I am right when I confront them. To them it is just me causing problems again, me being troubled.

There is huge grief in this, so much to process, so many big pills to swallow. Being wounded by your own family in this way is devastating. And yet, I know from this little place of light inside that I am the lucky one because I can see the dysfunction and heal. They lack the honesty and the ability for the kind of introspection. I’m starting to really feel like it is their loss because I am actually pretty awesome if I do say so myself! I’m a far better person and I have more strength and ability then I was ever permitted to have as part of my family.

16

Kaycee and Alice I am very interested in this discussion you two are having on childhood mistakes. That’s because I went through the same thing. Children are born a blank slate. They are not born knowing what is right and wrong or how to do things correctly. And it takes many years of development to learn skills in all areas of life including social skills. And…..it’s up to parents to teach these things, and to teach them in a kind and considerate way. It’s amazing that we, as the children with the blank slates were held to higher standards than our parents held themselves, yet they were the alleged grown ups who should have already developed in all these areas. It was okay for them to be far from perfect, but not us. My father would get angry if I missed one word on a fifty word spelling test. And he’d run upstairs and yell at me if I played one wrong note on the piano. It sucked the joy out of life. Yet when I found an old report card of his where his grades were not as good as mine, he got angry at me for snooping. Children are in the process of learning about life. Why are they not allowed to stumble a little during their learning and why can’t their errors be handled with love?
I was a nervous wreck growing up and beyond, always trying to be perfect. Always under pressure to meet an impossible standard. It’s no wonder I always felt ” less than”.

17

Amber and Kaycee, it is something, isn’t it? I can remember 2,3,4 maybe, what I would call “big” mistakes that I made and that I was pretty severely punished for by my parents/family. But looking back at them, what were those mistakes really? I think one out of the 4 was borne of a more or less malicious intent but even that one was about trying to please someone else.
I remember being told that I “should just know” what was right or wrong. And I remember saying in my defense “I didn’t think that such and such would happen” and getting a slap upside the head with an accompanying “No, you didn’t THINK at all, did you Alice?”
I was supposed to “just know” things. Whether or not I had actually been told or shown any of the things I was supposed to “just know”. It was almost as if they had expected me to arrive on the planet fully formed and operational, like some kind of alien. In fact that’s exactly how I felt, like I was supposed to understand things but didn’t. So I gave a lot of time over to observing things. To trying to understand.
Looking back at it, it was just neglect. My mother/family couldn’t be bothered to make the effort to teach me things. But it is weird that they still expected me to know things. How could I know if no-one taught me? I can’t really get my head around that one.

18

Alice, I think it is very common that parents just expect kids to know things ( out of nowhere!!). One example that comes to mind was when I was a young girl and we went away overnight for the first time. We were sitting in a fairly nice restaurant for dinner and I had roast beef. I cut it up all at once and my mother yelled at me for not cutting it one piece at a time. I think she may have slapped me too. I remember being stunned and just staring at her not understanding what was wrong. If cutting meat one piece at a time and then eating each piece before cutting the next was so important, why was this the first time she brought it up? She never taught us this at home. Was she embarrassed that I had atrocious manners out in public? Who knows, but if she didn’t teach this to me how in the world was I supposed to know some obscure rule about meat cutting?? This wasn’t the only time this happened, but because she humiliated me in public for something I never heard of before, it really stands out in my mind. Like you said, Alice, they just expected us to know things out of the blue. I guess you and I were both supposed to be fully formed and operational aliens! Shaking my head.

19

Amber, well that one takes the biscuit. Another of my family members was really upset with me that I didn’t display proper “critical thinking” or have great business abilities. Like WHERE would I have gotten that from? Certainly she never taught me any of that stuff. Irony was that actual critical thinking was punished as being “disrespectful”. Sigh.

20

Alice, so is critical thinking a skill we are not supposed to have? Or are we just not supposed to have it as a child because it’s considered disrespectful but then we are magically supposed to have it at adulthood without feign taught it? Wow! This illogical thinking of our parents is astounding! Here’s one for you. We are never taught to stand up for ourselves at home because that was disrespectful. One day when I was four and my brother was five we were playing outside on our block. Two neighborhood boys came over to us and started bullying us. They were a little older than us. So my brother and I ran home. My mother yelled at us and told us we were cowards. She also called our Grandparents and told them not to come to visit that day because we were being punished for running away from those bullies. First of all, running away from kids that were bigger than us was probably the smart thing to do because they really could have hurt us. And second, at home we were taught absolutely NO skills for standing up for ourselves, and infact that was completely squished at home. But we were supposed to know how to do it with kids that were bigger, older and stronger than us. Sigh.

21

Alice, Kaycee and Amber
Alice ~ your ‘fresh water’ compliment really made me smile! That is exactly what I had in mind… when I started speaking in seminars I knew that I had something ‘fresh’ ~ A new way of looking at things and I wanted to pass that on. It is especially important for me to hear the feedback from all of you here because THIS book isn’t the one I am excited about! My friend and editor Carla, who has known me for years and has read every blog post that I ever wrote for at least the first 2 or 3 years of EFB convinced me to do this one when I doubted it ~ which was last year when the body of the book was actually done! A whole year ago… and I thought it was kind of “weak” so I wasn’t sure about going the distance to publish it.. So thank you all for the validation! Love this discussion too!

I am over half way through completing the next book! This second book has all the what I consider to be ‘the deep stuff, the real meat stuff’ and I tried to keep the first book fairly ‘foundational’ sort of as a primer for this ‘fresh water’… I am thrilled about the feedback! The emails are pouring in too from other readers and everyone is really happy with what I have published so well… WOW! You have all given me the courage and validation to go forward!

hugs, Darlene

22

Amber, wow, even more crazy! I recall a particular incident where I had been nasty to a friend of mine and her parents brought it my parents’ attention and I was punished. I think they did the right thing. When I was being phone harrassed by kids at school and I told my parents. Nothing. F*cking nothing. So it’s fine to be seen to be doing the right thing but not having to do it for your own kid.

23

I just read the running away from the bullies comment from Amber (it was posted while I was writing my last comment and I completely missed it)
Amber this is such a great example of what goes on! The mixed messages that we get in this type of upbringing are VERY difficult to sort out! But looking at them we have a chance to see that they WERE mixed messages. I had this “NO WONDER I am mixed up” sort of ah ha moment when I saw this clearly for myself.

Alice ~ you said it all in your sentence “So it’s fine to be seen to be doing the right thing but not having to do it for your own kid.” – It’s all about them and how they are seen and usually has little to do with what is “BEST” (you know how I always say that love is the definition of best) for the child. (or best for the one loved… hummm)
hugs, Darlene

24

Darlene, yes! I don’t remember hearing that “it’s for your own good” thing because my family, mother especially was concerned about my doing things for everyone else. It was supposed to teach me about not being “selfish” (accordingly to them) but what is one to say when your mother uses you to show what a good mother she is because she has this polite kid that offers everyone a smile and goes out of her way to be useful to them?
When I was an adult and living in another city- one people liked to visit as tourists, my mother would tell me that she had let her friends and their kids and other random people I didn’t know that they could come stay at my place.
When I objected she said “Well what’s the use of having a daughter in Xcity then?” It was about making herself look good at my (literal this time) expense. So you can see how much she considered she owned me, right down to offering my house (that I had bought!) to people for their vacation.

25

Alice
Isn’t that a truth leak!! as in her statement “what’s the use of having a daughter in X city”… It is such an invalidating statement about your purpose in her life! It’s like saying “what’s the point of having a daughter if she isn’t serving my purpose”… which is exactly what my mothers actions said. (I am writing a new post about this right now. I hope to publish it tomorrow!)
hugs, Darlene

26

I’m really looking forward to that one Darlene! I find myself frequently upset when I hear or read things about “finding your purpose in life” or “having purpose”. All the things I was good at and interested in as a kid were deemed unsuitable to pursue “seriously” and my family actively squashed my desires to follow through with creative studies in favor of just about anything else.

The end result has been that I’ve felt aimless for pretty much my whole life.
And you’re right Darlene, my value to my mother was not about who I was but what I could do for other people. It was mostly caretaking, service stuff and emotional support. And if I wasn’t doing that then I had better be a huge financial/business success instead. Needless to say I am neither of these things and sometimes I feel bad that I haven’t “succeeded” in them. But EFB has helped me to understand that these definitions did not come from within me.

27

Darlene, (message 23), mixed messages! absolutely and in several different ways! First, in that we were squished in expressing our feelings and standing up for ourselves at home when we got far worse bullying than from those kids. And also, a very mixed message about choosing to run away when we felt unsafe. I would say we showed better judgement than my mother in leaving an unsafe situation.

28

Alice, yes that is a BIG truth leak and one that I faced myself. It seemed that my only purpose was what I could do for my mother. Infact she loved to heap work upon me and then just watch the show. She was an expert at making it as difficult as possible for me. In adulthood when I struggled raising a special needs child, she would never come in to visit to help me out. But as she aged she demanded that I fly out to her to take her to doctor appointments that an aide at her assisted living place could have taken her to. I think she got off from having things as inconvenient for me as possible. It must have given her some sick sense of importance. Wasn’t she surprised when I put my foot down and said NO!

I too am sorting out the definitions of me that didn’t come from me. Some of them are: Ugly, wimp, awkward, clumsy, stupid, lazy, fat, family slave, uptight, servant, inferior girl and the list goes on and on. Yet people who really care about me don’t see me that way. And I am working on undoing seeing myself by their nasty cruel definitions.

29

I wanted to take a moment to say how ground breaking this book is right now. I am watching the coverage on the tragic loss of Robin Williams, I have heard a couple of his friends try to bring up his childhood only to have their comments quickly glossed over and redirected by the commentator. Looking through the articles online throughout the years, there is little written about his childhood.

But there are a few interviews, buried underneath all of the sensational stuff over the years. He described his Father as being “scary.” His Mom, he said was very busy and he spent a great deal of time with a nanny. He said he was lonely and summed up his childhood as “looking for love.”

One of his friends attempted today to speak of Robin’s Mother’s depression and how Robin tried to get her to love him by making her laugh. The news host abruptly dismissed the comments only later to look into the camera and wonder “What were his demons?”

Many of us who have been stunted and fallen so far short of our potential because of our low self esteem often look back in regret. We feel we have lost so much. Yet here was a man who achieved greatness but in the end, all the accomplishments in the world were not enough.

This work that we do, it is the most important work in the world. To learn the roots of our pain, to identify the false messages we received as children and rip them out by their roots and grow something worthy of ourselves in their place. That is what is most important and so neglected in psychology today.

Nothing, no amount of achievement, no amount of love or adoration from others, no amount of money, fame, fortune, success or good works will ever compensate for a lack of self love.

I can’t help but think the field of therapeutic psychology and addiction treatment has gone very far astray, that they have missed the most crucial element needed for healing.

I wonder often if part of the reluctance to look at childhood trauma is the fact that all of us know we are not perfect parents, that we have made mistakes. I think this brings up great fear for people. I don’t think it needs to be so hard though. When I make a mistake as a parent, I say so, I apologize, my child’s sense of self and self worth remains intact. It’s not that hard to do and kid’s get it, that we aren’t perfect but that we love them and see them for who they really are.

I once read a commentary on how Virginia Wolf was locked into Freud’s theory because that was what was available to her during her time and how that was all she had and she did her best to heal within those constraints. But Freud’s theories were flawed and inadequate.

I hope beyond hope that Darlene’s message gets out there and reaches the people so struggling to heal but can’t find that key, that missing piece of the puzzle. It is so essential that we give people permission to go back and focus on healing those old wounds, allowing people to put a critical eye on the messages they received from their parents so that real haling can take place. So that people can know their own worth.

30

Kaycee, great post. “…only to have their comments quickly glossed over and redirected by the commentator.”
I’ve been reading the calls for compassion over the last 24 hours and people’s account of their own clinical depression and I find myself questioning why the possibility that many depressions stem from very difficult childhoods (or current socioeconomic circumstances, with one bleeding into the other) is not offered up for discussion.

We refer to “brain chemistry” so often as if it were the cause rather than a correlate (“demons” are indeed another conceptual approach to the issues of mental health in other times and places).

I don’t know to what extent it is either but my own experience is that the “demons” are the beliefs and behaviors that we adopt (consciously, unconsciously, to cope, to escape, and so on and these may include chemistry-changing substances and behaviors) as a result of abusive behaviors on the part of those who have power over us (at whatever stage in life that is the case). My own childhood prepared me to be a grade-A people-pleaser with both anxiety and depression (my mother told me that I had “inherited” it from my father) and also set me up for later emotional abuse.
Whether I was “predisposed chemically” to be more or less affected by the way I was treated is unclear at this point. And it sort of doesn’t even matter.

31

Yes Alice and when we talk bout healing we often talk about rewiring the brain. Our childhood experience dictates the neuro pathways in our brain and I wonder what percentage of that they label as “mental illness” is really just the brain as it adapted to childhood trauma, abuse or neglect.

I have heard Robin Williams talk about his relapse saying he felt lonely and afraid, years before he had mentioned having a fear of abandonment as a child. I just can’t help but wonder, he himself said in an interview that he was never diagnosed as being bi polar and many people in his inner circle have said he was quiet and shy, that the mania was a performance, not the real him. There is so much focus on the addiction, the “mental illness” but I think there may have been some deeply held beliefs and unhealed wounds from childhood. And we all know how majorly depressing that can be.

32

Kaycee, my thoughts are that my mother used the “inherited” excuse to obscure her role in my depression and anxiety. You know, “anyone else” but a kid with a “delicate predisposition” (I think she even used to scoff at me for my “sensitivity”) would have been fine with her treatment. You’d think (well I would anyway) that faced with a child predisposed that way that a parent would be MORE caring and attentive, not less. But the momster logic trumps all.
Williams must have been in such pain to take his own life. I’ve been reading all these posts about “Well didn’t he know he was loved?” But what does that even mean? How can someone else’s feelings do anything for anyone unless through some kind of action?

I was thinking of the “mental” component this morning. I don’t find it “mental” at all. It’s emotional, sometimes very physical and has almost nothing to do with thinking at all. At least not the conscious sort. I’ve found it very difficult to get to the bottom of what I believe because thoughts don’t go there.

33

Last week I was thinking about “what I wanted” from the people in my life that made me feel like ‘nothing’ and I realized that the biggest thing was that I wanted to be SEEN ~ I wanted to be seen for me; as WHO I AM and not for what I could do. The whole Robin Williams story feels very close to my heart. I wonder when I hear of this kind of struggle with depression etc if wanting to be seen for who you are and not for what you can do, is a factor. I have struggled with this myself, even with this blog.
I don’t think that it is “mental” either.. I believe it is emotional. I have also seen little snips of Robin talking about his lonely childhood and wanting to make his mother laugh. I think it gets exhausting when your gift becomes more important to everyone (what you can do for them) then who you really are and once again you feel lost and discounted.
Hugs, Darlene

34

Darlene, yes I agree with you. That is also a great question “What do I want from these people?” I still often struggle with wanting, and not getting, the kind of respect I believe I offer others myself. Or that I seem to see others get so effortlessly. But we’ve talked about where that definition was all too likely messed with by my family and so I can’t even be sure that what I’m giving is respect and not some other thing that in it’s turn sends the message that it’s ok (still, after all this time) to disrespect me. But again, that’s placing the blame firmly back in my camp.
I think you do so much for people just by being yourself and talking and writing so articulately about your experiences:)

35

Alice and Kaycee,

When I was younger as a teen and young adult I went through a chapter of my life as being very depressed. It nearly killed me, and not directly by me, but rather as a result of not being to ride this out like being on a big wave. I was controlled, abused, and used with no value or worth as a person. It was like being caught in a cycle that I couldn’t escape from. I believe now that my parents never truly cared about how I felt, but it was always about them and then it was more about them. My parents NEVER APPROVED of my depression since it made them look bad. Both of them have NEVER had normal human emotions or thoughts. Both of them do not have the ability to understand anything about kids or everyday normal issues of growing up.

I was seeing a therapist in high school, a woman with a MSW degree, masters degree, and she was fine. She was more about talking and supporting me. My Narc mom became curious and demanded to have a session with her. The therapist started asking my Narc mom questions like: what do you want for your daughter’s future? Is your daughter going to college? The therapist tried to ask about making a regular home chore list since I did everything in the home! Finally, the therapist wanted to give my Narc mom a book on child development and communication. Of course, Narc mom became angry and refused but then it got worse.

I was then hurt and used by a real psychiatrist whose only purpose in life was to hurt kids by being sadistic and prescribing meds. I was labelled with “depression” and a “chemical imbalance”. The shrink was like a vulture ready to attack it’s prey, namely me. What is it with older middle aged shrinks who enjoy being sadistic and ready to destroy a young person’s life? My parents took Dr.Evil’s side by saying that, “we just don’t know what to do with our daughter since she’s depressed…” I actually had the indignity of having a CT scan with a brain xray. I remember taking an anti-depressant and having to spit it out due to dry mouth. I can’t remember all the details but my Narc mom who cared more about money agreed that I could quit seeing “Dr.Evil”. I am so very glad that I’m stubborn as a mule. I knew nothing about pharmacology but use of a “safe” anti-depressant, especially in teens, can lead to long-term health issues later on.

Depression is nothing more than anger turned inward. I had no place to go but to live with these two mean monsters called parents who destroyed me. They were mean and selfish and only cared about their big luxury house and showing off. None of these adult idiots could allow the fact that I was abused and I had a right to feel depressed. Where would I go? Becoming a teen runaway was not an option and my only goal as a teen was to graduate from high school. (I later ended up in a domestic violence shelter in my early twenties after having moved to another state with parents—but that’s another story—see past comments).

I am so glad that I am an adult age 40’s now. We are living in such an over-medicated society that it’s become a nightmare. I don’t have kids but I find these psych. screenings in schools, both public and private, as frightening. This modern “witch hunt” loves to pull out specific kids and label them as being either “too loud/ ADHD” or “too quiet,shy,introverted/Depression”. The frightening side of this is having parents being trapped by these “white coated gods” known as doctors, pharmacists, and shrinks.

Once I watched a TV documentary on the PBS channel about these psych. drugged kids. I ended up changing the channel after several minutes since it was so disturbing. There was an interview with the parents of a little boy had actually bought into the school screening label that their son needed “help” with a psych drug since apparently he was too loud and hyperactive. Fast forward to the son’s 15th birthday and he was a total and complete physical and emotional vegetable. He was drooling and his eyes were glassy and he appeared rather retarded in a wheel chair. He had symptons like tardive dyskinesia (sp?)—basically a tongue rolling which can’t stop. His parents knew the damage and understood that they gave permission to these shrinks to let their son’s life be destroyed.

Regarding my past teenage depression, I never gave my consent to be treated. I was the equivalent of being a slave used by others. I would scream back saying, “I’m not depressed and you don’t live inside my head to know exactly how I think and feel!” I know that these old shrinks do not like being challenged by younger people. They all have a need for power and control and get their jollies by being cruel and sadistic.

There is website that I follow about the anti-psychiatry movement:

http://www.antipsychiatry.org

There are many excellent articles by Dr.Peter Breggin and others on psychology myths and treatments.

In my own adult life, isn’t it interesting how I am no longer a teenager with serious depression issues? Could it be that I was actually a victim who had no where to go when I was young? Amazing how well I turned out when I got so very far away from my own parents and starting living my life on my own terms.

Surprisingly, I did not grow up to become a “people pleaser”. Quite the opposite since I have a good mind and sometimes quite a mouth on me, too! LOL! I am a free and independent thinker and it’s a gift. I don’t give a hang about what others think of me and became an older college student in my 20’s to do what I wanted. It’s funny since I have been called shy and many people have tried to verbally abuse me. Boy, are they in for a shock when they get it all right back in their face. I am quiet, reserved, peaceful and polite. I don’t have different colored hair, tattoos, piercings, or trendy clothes. I’m quite the wallflower until someone provokes me or says anything about my real religion, Celtic Paganism.

My biggest pleasure in putting my Narc mom and dad in their place has been able to rebel in a positive way. My Narc mom would have loved to have gossiped about her daughter being a “loser”—-drugs, alcohol, teen pregnancy, juvenile crime, but they had absolutely NOTHING on me! LOL! Instead I grew up and earned a BA degree, worked, became a homeowner, found interesting hobbies, and essentially surpassed all of their labels on me.

If I were to believe for one minute that I was emotionally depressed and that’s emotionally, not a “mental illness”, then I would take a more natural route seeing a Naturopathic Doctor. There are herbs and homeopathics, like St.John’s Wort with no addiction or bad side effects. Thanks for reading!

36

What did I. want from the people who treated me like nothing? All I ever wanted was to be treated with respect, treated as well as they treated other people. I guess I just wanted to be accepted and treated with equal value. I didn’t know I already had equal value. And I didn’t know I could accept myself.

37

Hi Amber,
You are right.I too feel the need to be respected.My father completely lacks table manners.I won’t give you the details,as i don’t want to gross you out.Today my mother finally sent him to the bathroom,as that is the place for bodily functions,not the kitchen.She said:”Stop doing it.You know Laura is sensitive”.When he left,she bragged about how she defended me.No,that’s not what she did.She told him he should stop because i couldn’t handle it.Again,i was the problem,not table manners.

The minute i say something,my father says i don’t have a right to speak,as he is the one who puts food on the table for me.In my opinion,that still doesn’t make it ok.By the way,my father is a very educated man.I saw him eating in other people’s presence,and he ate impecable.So he does it on purpose.He could be the one teaching me how to properly use my fork and knife.

That’s what hurts me.I feel disrespected.How can he enjoy seeing the reaction of disgust on my face? How can my mother enable him?Whenever i’m mad at my father,my mother always shuts me up.She says she wants peace and quiet.I could say that she fears conflict or rocking the boat,but that’s not the case at all.If i confront HER and not my father,she immediately flies into a rage if it’s about her.

Amber,that’s what abusers hide from us.Not only do we have equal value,but we value so much more than all of them.

PS:Referring to all the life situations abusers put us through.I’m curious to know how the so-called boundaries could make us gain respect.I dare all therapists to put their own stupid and useless advice into practice.How would they respond to each and every situation described in all the comments,not only mine?

38

Amber, Laura, Darlene, well, it happened yet again the other day in a quasi-professional setting. None of the other people (as far as I could tell) got the same “treatment” (the person asked me if I would serve food/drinks to the other people there and I said no.

I didn’t offer any justifications (progress!) but the person did respond to me pissily the remaining times I spoke with him (which was hardly and only because I was trying to be polite).

Anyway, the good news is that I only stayed annoyed at this for 24 hours (this is progress:)) and I didn’t blame myself (this is even more progress:)) but indeed the pissy person. Who I will know to avoid like the plague the next time.

But this is nowhere near as painful as family doing these things. Laura, I’d suggest that my “no” above was an example of a boundary “in action”. But when it came to my family, they refused to accept that I had or needed or “should” have any due to what they believed my place as “their” daughter/niece/whatever was supposed to be and stomped all over the few I attempted to show, because I am a person, while insisting I respect theirs. Abusers do not deal in mutuality. Darlene’s book lays this one out very well too.

So the thing is, this is nothing about me as a person, it’s about their refusal to see me as one outside the definition THEY have established for me. I haven’t heard of any therapy addressing what OTHER people believe. What EFB (or I imagine a “good” therapist) helps with is addressing what WE believe. It’s harder to access than one might think.

I remember watching the movie “The Matrix” ages ago and being so struck by this one phrase “Don’t let The Matrix tell you who you are”. Also “Matrix” is a word akin to “Mother”. I found that interesting.

39

Laura,
When I put my boundaries in place they were for me; I made the statement to myself that I deserved respect. Putting boundaries in place does not mean that abusive controlling people will change. They may NOT respect you at all, and in my case that is when I made a new decision about the relationship. For me. So how it worked for me was that I stuck up for myself, I took care of myself, I learned to respect myself. (and I no longer keep company with people who treat me like crap)
hugs, Darlene

40

Hi Laura, I find that many times when someone asks another person to stop an offensive behavior because a third person doesn’t like it, the one asking also doesn’t like the behavior. Yet they stay in their safe little corner by not admitting that they too are offended and just throw the other person under the bus. I have even occasionally found my husband telling someone that Amber doesn’t like something when he also doesn’t. I,fact I called him out on this very thing just this week and told him he needs to own up to his own feelings and that I do not want him to throw me under the bus so he comes out looking like the good guy and me that bad fun spoiling cranky unreasonable person. I don’t have many issues with my husband, but this was one that I found really annoying even though it happened just a couple of times. So I set a boundary this week.

Laura I agree with you on disagreeing with the “father puts food on the table so you have no right to speak”. Great that he puts food on the table, but that does not give him the right to reduce you to insignificance. You deserve respect no matter what your role in the family is, just like any other person does and this includes all children of all ages. It sounds like a control thing to me. The gross table manners also seems like a control thing. It’s like he is burping, farting or whatever he is doing to gross you out and implying “I’m doing this and you can’t stop me”. It seems like third grade boys locker room behavior. He is looking for a reaction from you.

Alice, good for you setting a boundary! And I’ve found the same thing, that things always hurt more when done by family. We expect that family will be the ones to love us and have our backs and when they don’t, well, OUCH! I have found that some people are willing to change their definition of me as they see changes in me, but others want to keep me in the confines of their ( usually negative) definition of me. I was in just the right setting two weeks ago to see this in action. I was at my class reunion. Some people treated me as I significant as they treated the very shy awkward withdrawn nine year old version of me. But for the most part people there went with the flow of changes in me that have occurred gradually over the years and then more significantly this year as I started charging through the fog. But I think the most important thing is that I have been gradually creating my own definition of me as I go through this process, and I know that that one is the biggie. That is the only one that really matters.

I love what you said about the Matrix. I didn’t see the movie, but whoever or whatever the Matrix is, I will not let it tell me who I am. Especially if it is akin to Mother!

41

Great comments Amber and Alice
There is no obligation in love. When we ‘have to treat someone a certain way’ because they put the food on the table or they are the parent, that isn’t love and it isn’t the correct definition of respect either.
hugs, Darlene

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Alice
LOVE the sentence “Don’t let The Matrix tell you who you are”. Don’t let ANYONE tell you who you are!
hugs! Darlene

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And here is another good article about punishing children http://www.naturalchild.org/james_kimmel/punishment.html I found it when I was looking for “Why do parents punish children for standing up for themselves?”

44

Alice,
When the same abuse happens again,often to the detail,that’s when it becomes clear that abusers are sadistic,enjoying the pain they inflict on us.As for other people getting a whole different treatement,i can relate to it too.When my sister visits,my father suddenly becomes the most well-manered gentleman i know.It seems my sister deserves respect,but i don’t.You were brave to set a boundary.

Darlene,
If i could,i’d leave this very instant and i’d no longer stay in their company.Unfortunately,i can’t,as i already explained in my previous comments.Whenever i write that i’m still living with my abusers,i get this stigma.People are quick to judge me:”You are allowing them because you stay there,so you are guilty”.Well,i don’t think so.I don’t stay because i want to.I respect myself outside the abuse,by indulging in a lot of me-time and doing things for myself.I also take care of myself by knowing my own value.As for setting boundaries,maybe not all abusers react violently,but mine do.Some abusers may cry or deny,wich makes it a bit easier for victims to stand up for themselves.I’m in danger if i do it,and the law is not on my side.

Amber,
You get me so well.You expressed exactly what’s going on.Eating at his table,i pay the price of being reduced to insignificance.He does it to control me.I can’t pretend not noticing his loud intentional burping and farting at the table.I know i can’t stop him.He is looking for a reaction from me,and he wins every time.This is more than boy behavior.It’s retarded.My mother is bothered too by his attitude,but she makes it my problem to get herself out of the issue.I’m tired to hang on to maturity in order to replace my parents’ lack of responsibility.

45

Laura
It’s not a stigma thing. I was trying to communicate in answer to you question ‘how does drawing a boundary work…’ I am saying it doesn’t work if they refuse to honour your boundary. I realize you are stuck in that situation and I am not judging that.
Hugs Darlene

46

Laura, exactly what I meant with my throwing a person under the bus comment. Your mother doesn’t like your father’s behavior, but she extricates herself from the situation and puts everything on you by making it seem that just you don’t like it. That way she avoids any backlash. I see it the way you do; that BOTH of them are behaving inappropriately ( and abusively ).

Darlene, I love the ” no obligation in love”! And I fully “get” that. It’s something that my mother absolutely didn’t get. It was one sided too, flowing to her but not from her.

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Darlene, I think therapists and other advice givers don’t make that clear enough: “I am saying it doesn’t work if they refuse to honour your boundary.” Especially for the person who has been told all their life that the responsibility for the relationship and the other person’s behavior and feelings is theirs. THEN they are told that if they just get their boundaries straight then other people will somehow automatically respect that.

Again, the responsibility for other people’s behavior is put on them! I spent two years too long in an abusive work relationship telling myself it was up to me to do the right thing and change – including making my boundaries clearer before I was forced to leave due to the depression it was causing me. I later found out the person had also been abusive to others. What I’m saying is boundaries will NOT magically change an abuser’s behavior.

When I put boundaries in my relationship with my mother she refused to honor them so I brought out the technological solutions (blocking email, calls, social network etc). This has allowed me peace from her but it most likely hasn’t made her respect me any more than she did before. In fact I’m probably even more the family scapegoat since I’ve gone NC.

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Hi Alice,
My feelings exactly.All my life,i thought boundaries were the solution,but i was too stupid to put them into practice.When it didn’t work,i thought i hadn’t used the right words.I thought therapists were professionals,experts in human psychology,so they had to know what they were talking about.Right?Wrong.I’m disappointed in this boundary advice because it’s coming from so-called experts,not friends wanting to comfort me and saying:”Try this;it should work”.

49

Alice and Laura, with the boundary thing, I find that for the most part the people that don’t respect my boundaries are the people who are messed up. I feel that a reasonable person would respect reasonable boundaries. I also have found unreasonable people placing unreasonable boundaries on me. Which led to me having to put a boundary on their boundary.

My mother is an example of an unreasonable person putting unreasonable boundaries on me. She was a conflict addicted person and thrived on always being in an argument with someone, usually a relative. She would then expect me and my brothers to join in her argument, or to not speak to that relative. When I was young and living at home I had no choice. If she was angry at her parents she prevented us from seeing our grandparents. But at 18 I did what I wanted, which if course led to conflict with my mother. But I was no longer willing to adhere to her unreasonable and selfish boundary.

When we set a boundary the other person has a choice in whether they adhere to it. Their response is not within our control. I used to think I failed if a person didn’t accept my boundary. But I now realize that it is not a failure on my part and even at that point I have a chouce. I can choose to stick with the relationship and the unaccepted boundary, but I would probably be unhappy, OR I could limit or end the relationship. I have limited, and have had no contact periods with my mother. After the three year no contact, she actually eased up on some of the behaviors that were bothering me and we were then able to have a limited relationship.

Anyway, those are some of my thoughts on boundaries.

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Good post, Amber. This actually helped me a lot. You’re right. It’s not a failure on our part if another person doesn’t respect our boundaries. It’s up to us to maintain our boundaries and remain resolved. That gives us inner strength.

Thank God for the ability to develop inner strength!

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Thank you Callynt. So glad my post was helpful to you. I have learned so much on here from Darlene, and from many others’ messages. It is good to feel that I helped someone! 🙂

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Hi Darlene,

I just bought your e-book this morning, and am partway through reading it. So far it’s been one of the best purchases I’ve made! The fact that I bought it in itself is a step for me in the right direction (I believe) because I always feel unworthy of getting things and spending money on myself. I’m still in the compliant stage, even though I don’t have to be anymore, and I found myself asking my husband if it was okay to buy the book!

You’ve shared so openly and I can really relate! So far, what has resonated with me most is the wonky belief system. I’ve always been the scapegoat in my family with my mum and sister always using me as a punching bag or to blame. My dad was more of an enabler than anything. Although I’m hearing the voice of one of my best friends here. We had a six-hour conversation over the phone with her trying to make me see that what I thought was discipline was actually abuse by my father. I’m still living in denial about that one and trying really hard to accept that I did not deserve to be beaten until I peed myself.

Reading your book so far has made me realise that I have SO MUCH of work to do on changing the lies to truths. I’m only at Chapter 4, and I already feel as though I’ve got my money’s worth. The book is definitely worth more than the $10 price tag. Thank you so much.

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Amber,

In relation to your post in #40, I totally agree that it hurts a hell of a lot more when the abuse is committed by family. We expect that our families will be the one who protect us no matter what in a “family vs the world” mentality. Sadly, this is untrue. I remember my best friends betraying me in school. It smarted, but I didn’t fall into a black hole because of it. I think the whole notion of betrayal by flesh and blood that makes the pain never want to seem to go away.

I am trying to learn that family isn’t always about blood – it’s about those who are there for you when everyone else is gone. I am also trying to drill it into my brain that although my biological mother did not love and support me (and never will), because I was passed around from pillar to post as a child, I have other mother figures. One of whom openly tells me she loves me and that no matter what, she’ll always be there for my family and me.

My mother has never been happy that I’m communicating with my “other mother” who was her best friend for a very long time. This is partly due to not wanting to live with the shame that my married sister had an affair with her unmarried son. They were first loves. And that’s one of the things that my parents refused to believe me on. It fell on deaf years. But when my sister’s affair came to light, it became my fault. To put it rather crudely, I did not put his man bits into my sister’s woman bits, so how is that my fault? I didn’t even tell her husband. But he got suspicious 5 years later and everything blew up – and I ended being the collateral damage. My sister had told my mother that I told her husband (although I had woken up to a fight because she had told him that morning! Without any clarification, the first thing mum yelled on the phone was “Why did you tell him?” All I know is that I screamed, threw the phone on the floor and ran to the bathroom crying and chain smoking.

It was quite funny because my mum keeps blaming my other mum for dabbling in black magic and having her and dad “hexed”. Our whole family went back to my country of origin in 2012 for the Christmas New Year break. So of course I went to visit my other mother. When we got back to my parents place (as we were staying with them for the 2 odd weeks) we were not allowed to enter the house without being blessed with holy water and drinking some because we had eaten at her house. It was also embarrassing cos my mother-in-law joined us for the trip and was subject to the same “purification”! I did warn my MIL though (and she knows the nut case that my mother is). My little one refused to drink it and he’s a hard-headed little one. It was funny watching my mum try to coax him into drinking the holy water by adding some to his favourite drink!

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FireandIce, I could never understand when I got irrationally blamed for something, yet it happened many times during my childhood and adult years. And it was my mother who did it. A favorite saying of hers was “It’s all on account of Amber” yes, a little child was responsible for so much and she was responsible for nothing. And I would feel guilty even if it made no sense to me. Because if mother said it it must be right. That’s how I thought as a child and even through part of adulthood. I didn’t know my mother was using me as a scapegoat and I didn’t know my guilt was because of a false belief. It sounds like you are being scapegoated too.
I wasn’t my mothers only scapegoat. She could never be wrong so if it was something outside of the family she found someone to scapegoat. I was the family scapegoat. She even blamed a four year old child one time for telling a lie. The child was instructed by the parents to tell the lie. But my mother expected the CHILD to know it was wrong, and no blame was placed on the adults who told her to lie. Unbelievable!

55

I still have these flashes of fear of getting blamed for anything I point out as being an issue. So often I just go along to get along.

My mother blamed her “lack of figure” on me (her first pregnancy).

Last night I had a nightmare where I was being threatened with violence by a family member and the people protecting me were blaming me for causing the trouble and really doing the strict minimum to “protect” me, telling me “See what you’ve done?”

The dream was more violent than the actual events but when they happened I kind of blacked out at the time.

My mother thought it was ok to then repeatedly put me in situations where I would “just happen” to meet the people who had behaved violently towards me (she was first tell me they weren’t going to be there) and when I refused, it was all my fault and she called my not wanting to be face to face with the people who were violent “disgusting”.

I told her that “No, what’s disgusting is that you won’t defend your own daughter because of your deference to these people”.

The message was that she valued those relationships more than me.

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Hi FireandIce
I am so pleased that you like my book! The denial (or fog) doesn’t lift all at once so do be dismayed or concerned about being in denial. The fact that you realize it is huge!
If someone else told you that they were beaten until they peed, what would your response be? do you think there is anything anyone could do to deserve that??
At first it seemed overwhelming to me at how much I had to sort through, but some patterns emerged when it came to the messages that I got about myself through the actions/inactions of others and seeing those helped me to speed up the process.
Thanks for sharing,
(I changed your ‘real name’ back to your screen name when I saw your ‘oops’ post in case you are wondering what happened there. you will have to change it back in the comment form to prevent that happening again)
Hugs, Darlene

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Alice, that is the thing isn’t it… WAS it okay for a parent to put a child in those situations? Of course NOT. YOU are right, it is her actions and inaction that is wrong here.
hugs Darlene

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I just published a new blog post that was partly inspired by the discussion about boundary issues, and partly inspired by the amount of emails I get asking me if I feel guilty about going no contact with my parents.
I am looking forward to the feedback ~ Here is the post: Going No Contact with Family of Origin and Guilt
hugs, Darlene

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Hi Amber,

I definitely hear you about the irrational blaming and scapegoating! I found out later that it was actually in my mother’s interest to blame me because she had known about the affair and told her sister while she was drunk. Her sister is someone who cannot keep her mouth shut if her life depended on it. So in addition to protecting my sister’s butt, she had to protect her own too! It still doesn’t make sense to me now as to how I got blamed for it.

I don’t know for sure if my mother scapegoats anyone else, but I know how she loves to gossip about other people. That’s another thing that I don’t have time for.

Growing up, I always used to get a beating whenever my sister got a beating. But when I got a beating for something I’d done, it was just me. It just makes me really angry thinking about it now because they have enabled her extremely Narcissistic behaviour.

Alice,

I’m with you on the fear of being blamed. I live with the terror too, and because of my PTSD, I get nightmares about it too. I found out through FB that my sister was coming to Australia for a holiday. Although she was going to a different state and with 2000 miles or more between us, it still triggered all sorts of nasties. I had panic attacks every day for about 2 weeks, immensely terrified that she was gonna rock up at our front door.

While talking it out with my hubby, he reckons I fear her because of her irrationality and randomness – not knowing how she’s going to act depending on which way the wind blows. I have set boundaries with my mother that I didn’t want to hear about her golden child because if anything happens or if news about her beloved daughter reached someone else, I’d be blamed. And I’m not going to allow that to happen anymore. My mother still tries to tell me about her, but I shut her down.

My mother’s always harping on to me about not putting this, that or the other on Facebook. She still tries to silence me that way, but I don’t give a rat’s ass. Ironically, she should be more worried about what her golden child posts! I had a cousin ask me the other day because she posted that she was in a new relationship. She tried so hard to project her perfect little family in a perfect little bubble that she lured her ex-husband back in January this year when my mother visited her and then kicked up a stink with my mother (they are both alcoholics and after a certain point go crazy and start hallucinating). She then kicked her ex-husband out of the house as soon as my mother and brother left.

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Alice,

When I was about 17, I got assaulted in school by a classmate. We had done a project together and my mother had paid for all the materials so she asked me to collect the money from my other team members. One girl and her girlfriend were not happy about it, and the next thing I know, I got clocked on the cheek. I was absolutely terrified.

My then boyfriend picked me up on his motorbike and we went to make a police report. I was staying at my auntie’s and uncle’s place then after I had overdosed previously. My mother was there when I got home, and she actually sided with my classmate although she hadn’t even seen or heard of her before! It became MY fault. It was quite sad, actually, and I still feel really hurt and rejected. Especially when my boyfriend had marks on his left forearm for weeks because he was riding the bike while carrying my relatively heavy paper bag. Any my mother Just. Didn’t. Care.

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Hi Darlene,

Thank you for changing the name back to my screen name! I greatly appreciate it! 🙂

I’m pretty sure I read this somewhere, but I’m like you in thinking that what’s not okay for anyone else is okay for me. I mean, if anyone else told me they had been beaten to that extent, I would be extremely horrified! But when it comes to me, it seemed like I must have done something to deserve it. It might be the brain trying to repress memories, but I have absolutely no idea why I had gotten the beating.

It all boils down to the false belief that I am not worth it and of no value. I think this is the first core belief that I will be attempting to reprogram.

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Hi FireAndIce

Some of it has to do with our survival instinct. Even accepting the message of having less value is how we survive as children. It wouldn’t matter what you did, nobody “DESERVES” that treatment.
Yay for working on that particular belief ~ it is the biggest problem one and changing it reaps the biggest rewards!

hugs, Darlene

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