Inspiration and Hope for Emotional Healing

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It is never too late to heal

I received a comment from a reader this week that just blew my socks off. I was inspired, flattered and thrilled by her words. I was reminded of why I do this work and why I chose to create this website (emerging from broken) in the first place. This is what it is all about! These comments are so filled with life and hope that I asked for permission to share them with my readers because hope for emotional healing was the first key for me. Please welcome Diane and her lovely comments by sharing your thoughts with her and I.

Diane’s comments came in on the blog post “Security Blanket of Coping Methods ~ My Survival Mode” which was written over two years ago in February 2010!    

Here is what Diane said:

I found the archives! I didn’t know there were archives, so now I have so much more to read and learn and grow from! Yay! I went through something so life changing last week and weekend and I have spent this week simply allowing the reality of it and the joy of it soak in. I became healed and free at the core of my being from the abuse of my parents..from caring about them and what they used to think of me…from wondering WHY did they abuse me…from excusing them from abusing me…from hating myself to loving and liking myself…and the list goes on! This is what I have been hoping, praying, searching, crying and desperate for!

Last week the puzzle pieces to my childhood all fell into place for the very first time in my life and I was able to let all of the blame and shame and hatred and dislike and rejection of ME GO forever. I now feel WHOLE as a person for the very first time…I don’t even feel damaged! I was crushed like a bug and now I am not. Now I feel compassion for myself…which I have never felt before. I want to heal more and more the bad habits I developed in trying to cope with abuse and neglect and move forward away from everything unhealthy. It is like a miracle has happened to me and I am so grateful and happy and the most important thing to me is that I can just BE MYSELF. I am able to just BE. No sense that something or someone is looming over me in disgust at how I act or what I say or how I do or don’t do things….no guilt and shame that I am less than ANYONE else. All of those feelings have disappeared. I don’t have to pretend or wear a mask in order to please someone. I really don’t have words to describe this new freedom, but I can say this: I WANT to learn now how to care for ME in new ways…I want to get rid of anything and everything that has held ME back.

I am now able to see when I need to question why I respond in different situations like I do. My next biggest “level” of healing is going to be with my husband. We definitely love each other in a healthy way, but there are also old patterns that just won’t work anymore. His silences…and me trying to fill them. It is amazing how silence can be controlling of someone else…deliberately. So I want to tackle this in our marriage..and I know he is trying to heal and change too, so I am looking forward to this process over time. I am really enjoying that now there is going to be a new process to change and living. I look forward to not trying to escape my life…but to BE IN IT and living it in the present.

I always felt like I was waiting for my life or something big to happen in the future, but really I was running away from myself and my life to a huge degree because I didn’t feel worthy of anything good for myself. I was the biggest cheerleader for everyone else, but I always only pretended that I was secure and motivated and full of self esteem…I wanted my daughter to have that as a mother and not how I really and truly felt on the inside. Now I don’t have to pretend and it isn’t because of anything other than I now believe it. My parents were so wrong in what they did and what they said and how they treated me…..and it was not love. I can now accept all that and I am not sad to let them go…I am more than happy not to have that in my life anymore! Yay!

So…I just wanted to say that my summer is going to be spent in loving myself and learning to self care and self soothe and find out what I want to DO now. Anytime I might feel the old emptiness or loneliness or voids, I am going to begin to ask myself WHAT DO I NEED right now!

Thank you Darlene….many many hugs and thanks to YOU!  ~ Diane

Please share your thoughts with Diane and I.

Inspiring hope on the road to healing;

Darlene Ouimet

Did you know that the Emerging from Broken book “The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing” is ready for download! If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, get this book today! This 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to healing.  Get yours here through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

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See the original post and comments here:    Security Blanket of Coping Methods by Darlene Ouimet                                                

 

 

69 response to "Inspiration and Hope for Emotional Healing"

  1. By: Mimi Posted: 1st June

    Drained,
    I always hear how wonderful my mother looks. I agree, she looks very very good for her age. But, I get sick of hearing it because if she is present as well, you can almost literally see her head swell. YUCK!!

    I like your insights. It is a no-win debate, and they do knock you off balance. So true. Gotta remain standing!! It’s soooo tough at times, especially when you still have a little shred of your soul, hanging on, or missing people, or wishing it could have been different. The thing I am coming to realize the last 48 hours, is that it won’t change, (not speaking of my mother here, I gave up on her a long time ago), it is what it is, and I have to accept the truth about everyone.

    Hope you’re doing well,
    Love,
    Mimi

  2. By: Drained Posted: 31st May

    On this long, bumpy road to healing, I’ve found there are many jolts, or figurative slaps in the face along the way. It knocks you off balance but you must remain standing and continue down the road. These “slaps” often come from clueless outsiders. Be ready for them, because they will always be out there.

    The last thing a daughter of an N mother wants to hear is:
    1. Your mother is SO smart!
    2. You look so much like your mother!
    3. You sound a lot like your mother!
    4. I love to come visit your mother. She’s so much fun to talk to!

    This is what I’ve heard just in the last 2 weeks. I feel my stomach clench and I quickly move to a different topic. What I’m thinking to myself is always the same thing: Well, YOU didn’t have to be her daughter…. But I keep it to myself. No need to get into that no-win debate.

    Keep standing. Don’t let “her” or “them” knock you down back into that box.

  3. By: R Posted: 27th May

    🙂 Glad I’m not the only one who posts ‘novels’ here Diane and really well done for finding what works for you with your eating plan!

    Always knocks me for six when I see someone else getting angry on my behalf – i always think ‘that’s what i should be feeling’ but it’s not there in such strength yet.

    One reason where the foster lot are concerned is that I am grateful in lots of ways for the life they were able to give me and i have always felt that some work or chores and responsibilities are good and even necessary for any child.

    Didn’t so much agree with the amount that was heaped on me with very few breaks (can’t turn the cows off when it suits is don’t you know….) it’s added to the feeling that i was raised as a good and uncomplaining worker bee if that makes any sense.

    The relief when I left at 18 and realised my life no longer revolved around the cows milking and feeding schedule was enormous, still remember that vividly 20 years later 🙂

    Interesting that your friend also suffers from ‘rush-itis’ – mine is made worse when I’m out with someone especially if they’re waiting for me outside a shop or similar. Always feel I’m taking the piss out of them by ‘ambling’ along taking up their time when in reality they’re wondering while I’m running like a lunatic 🙂

    Now I’m starting to see why i do it it helps a lot when my friend firmly says to me ‘dont’t rush’ (sometimes twice) – it lets me know they don’t mind being held up by my ‘slowness’ and it’s easier to move at a normal pace.

    Anyway, rambling now and there are hungry cats staring at me so best wrap this up for now 🙂

  4. By: diane Posted: 27th May

    R…I felt anger when I read what you have written….anger at what you have suffered and all of the times your life has been in an upheaval and you were taken and placed in places out of your control, but you had to adapt just to survive. And the things you have suffered in the situations you have been in. Well meaning people, perhaps, but in the end they hurt you too by neglect …abuse…and the lack of real love for you. If that were ME…I wouldnt feel “grateful”…grateful for WHAT? You didnt ASK for any of this to happen to you, and you didnt bring it upon yourself, so what do you have to be grateful to them for? And “kudos in the community” is almost sickening to think about. So self-serving if that was indeed a motive behind clothing and feeding and rooming you! Also..the working on the farm….I dont know how much you had to do there, but honestly! Why take a child in your home if you dont want to LOVE it? I have never understood that. For the money and the kudos? I feel very sad that you suffered in these ways and I am SO glad for you that you are realizing the things you are and learning to validate yourself and value yourself more and more! It is so shocking to realize all of a sudden that you actually were blameless and just an innocent little kid who didnt deserve any of the abuse and neglect and horrible circumstances that adults threw us into. It is also a shock to realize that we are valuable and how DEvalued we were…and how we have every right to be happy and that noone has the right to put us down or treat us with disrespect. I am so glad that you are beginning to peel back layers of lies to reveal your own personal truths and to see how WRONG those ppl were. You dont owe them anything as far as I can see it…they CHOSE to take you in and they made choices that were out of your control for you . I am so glad that you are realizing that and that you are aware enough today to begin learning how to be more patient and kind to yourself. I have a dear friend who had a horrible childhood and she rushes through life in everything she does too. It may not be the same life you had, but she cant slow herself down at this point. She has a few children and a wonderful husband, but it has concerned me at times with all of that rushing. I almost think it is to run away from her childhood and make sure that her children never experience anything like it. She is always chronically tired and overlaps her schedule every single day of her life. I dont say anything about it to her but you reminded me of her when you wrote that. We all have to cope in some way to deal with the traumas! I think that is normal! If a child isnt given a “normal”…or a childhood without abuse, neglect and traumas…they have to survive somehow with it all! Mine was always food! From the time I was eight years old! I am in the process of learning how to be kind to myself and not use food to cope…it has been exactly one week on my new healthy eating plan and it has been easy. I do have to always be AWARE, but now I want to be aware..before I was just coping. Every person I personally have known has used something to cope. My husband used to gamble, my next door neighbor drinks, another friend smokes like a chimney, and I have known scores of ppl who have done drugs….actually, I know many many women who truly believe they are not coping by using prescription meds, but they are! On and on….so when you have used rushing around…it sounds normal to me! lol. Anyway..sorry for the novel! I write as much as I talk! Take care…it is great sharing with you! Here is to hoping that you learn quickly what makes YOU happy and comforted and joyful in life! Diane

  5. By: R Posted: 27th May

    AND – another insight – as I was reminding myself to unclench my jaw and relax the fixed grin just now it finally occurs to me why I’m so furious at my last foster family (when oddly I made peace with the abuse in my birth family a long time ago)

    It’s because I was taught there to deny any and all of my feelings, any physical signs of illness were ‘explained’ to me as me making it up so I could do less work on their farm.

    So long as everything was rosy and sunny that was fine but the minute I needed anything emotionally it was very clear that I was a nuisance and an inconvenience.

    We could all do that couldn’t we? ‘save’ and fix an abused child by constantly telling him or her just to forget what happened and be ‘normal’, don’t ask for anything that’s not solid and practical (food, clothes for example)

    Pretend you have no needs and that nothing is or was ever wrong and hey presto – kudos in the community and a compliant quiet and above all grateful for the smallest crumb child!!

    Apologies if this entirely inappropriate for this section just needed to get that out lest I forget.

  6. By: R Posted: 27th May

    Thanks for your comment Diane, really appreciate it.

    Still amazed this has finally clicked into place for me and the anger is quickly giving way to relief that I’ve found a major way to quit punishing myself every minute of every day.

    Since I was a child I’ve had the outward signs of a great deal of internal fear and anxiety – fingernails bitten to the point of missing nail beds, bleeding etc, teeth grinding at night, stiff neck, flushed red face from the constant rushing etc but I never allowed myself to slow down enough to acknowledge that there is a very valid reason for my feelings.

    My history means I’m not ‘wired’ exactly the same as those who had an abuse free past and that it’s not my fault.

    Makes it much easier to put a plan in place to be much kinder and more patient with myself from here on in.

    Noticed I even wear a permanent ‘rictus’ smile when I’m just by myself – how ridiculous is that? 🙂

  7. By: Kelly Posted: 26th May

    Oh Darlene, I can’t tell you how much hope and encouragement I have received from your posts, thank you a million times over.

  8. By: diane Posted: 26th May

    R….Hi! I loved what you wrote about your revelation! That is so powerful to realize that! I feel sad that you have been working and running around frantically for too many years…trying to please and help and be productive etc. Being furious is how I have felt everytime I get a new revelation too! I dont know if you feel this way too, but I suddenly feel angry and cheated…! It is so infuriating to have lived X amount of years and then realize that you didnt have to and you could have been living it FREE of all the crap! It sounds like you are really healing and things are beginning to stick into place with you in areas of your life! WOW! I am excited for you. Sending you internet hugs and peace and comfort!!!! 🙂

  9. By: R Posted: 26th May

    Barging in as usual 🙂

    Just wanted to share my light bulb moment which occured a few days ago and is and will be important on my road to recovery.

    For as long as I can remember I have rushed through life, every single thing that needs doing from my job to shopping to feeding the cats and everything in between feels like a really urgent rush .

    Consequently im always running around, doing things at breakneck speed, thoughts, heart and body racing – like everything was a major disaster/emergency.

    A comment from a friend at the weekend finally made me stop and think ‘hang on, are you saying not everyone lives their life with their heart beating in their throat, desperately trying to stave off the next disaster?

    Early research has me thinking ive been left with some form of anxiety condition – something I never would have stopped to consider before i came to this site.

    It’s very clearly linked to my childhood – nothing was ever allowed to be done at a ‘snails pace’ if i did do things at mu pace then i was ‘wasting the lords good day’ and so on but Im also thinking that living in a state of constant of panic is a way for me to avoid thinking about/facing my real feelings in any detail.

    Stunning to think that i’ve lived feeling so horrible and jittery inside for literally decades without questioning it.

    And the benefits others have reaped from my rush rush rush mentality and consequently beating myself through twice the work ‘normal’ people get through in a day is making me furious atm.

    Thank you as ever for helping me break down the walls of denial and ‘I’m fine, my crappy psychotic, violent childhood didn’t affect me at all’

  10. By: SMD Posted: 24th May

    Mimi,
    I hope your weekend goes well & you rise above any family drama!…I’ll be routing for you. Hope you set a limit on how long you will visit. I know how family parties can get & they can drag on & before you know it, your drained & even more anxious. Nothing wrong with walking away any time you feel the drama or tension. I’ve learned that myself. Like I always say, Boundaries & Limits…easy to say but hard to do sometimes. Peace & Good Times!
    Sonia

  11. By: Diane Posted: 24th May

    Mimi, thank you for such kind words! :). I absolutely feel for you about your health issues, anxieties, stress, caffeine, food, and everything else you are experiencing! I am so sorry all of this is going on in your world! I used to go haywire with anxiety whenever a “family” event was coming up, so I can totally relate! For me personally, it was one main reason behind cutting them off. I would look forward to the gathering, and absolutely dread it at the same time! Part of me was so hoping and longing for approval, compassion, etc….and I also was waiting for that one special day that I would become important to them. It was a fantasy because they never changed, so each gathering had so much tension in the air that it could have been cut with a knife! I also had anxiety over what behaviors my ” family” members were going to throw into the event. One brother of mine could be counted on to say and do things to stir up emotions deliberately with some head games. Other relatives could also be counted and depended on to bring their personal criticisms to the table…along with an unhealthy dose of “teasing”….and also chronic unhappiness. I could always depend and count on “family” for those type of things! The positive, loving, and kind things were never real or ever there….and if they were, it was so difficult to understand which was which sometimes. Now I don’t have even a smidgeon of the anxiety that I used to because I don’t have to deal with any of their craziness…they can feed off of each other! That is exactly what it seemed like to me….a frenzied feeding time. Count ME out! I know everyone has to do what is right for them, and I wish you the best for your weekend! Comfort and peace to you!!!

  12. By: Mimi Posted: 24th May

    Diane,
    You are so right. I forgot to be kind to myself. I ended up sick, and was forced to be kind to myself and let everyone else slip out of my head. I did get something good from being so so sick!! I’m suffering emotionally, and letting it eat me alive. It has to stop somewhere!! From that perspective, there was beauty in being so sick. Thank you for kindness and support and although I haven’t commented on everything, I read all your posts. I was in bed for a few days and commenting was impossible. I love your insights and support and bright outlook on things. You have really blessed me and others. Thank you for that!!
    With love,
    Mimi

  13. By: Mimi Posted: 24th May

    Sophia,
    I’m really happy for you that your brother pulled through. I do the same thing you mentioned ~ reacting out of what we think we deserve, or for me it’s maybe even moreso that I react out of expectations from others and a sense of doom surrounding that. I don’t tend to be able to rely on anyone for what they say. It leaves me with a feeling of walking on thin ice and at any moment, I could fall in. The debilitating blows, one after another over the past 16 months have made me doubt many things, and expect the worst in most situations. I really didn’t need help doing that anyway.

    SMD,
    Post 41 to Sophia ~ that is good information about reading minds and sticking only to the facts. And, the stuff about feelings. Really good information to try to remember when I’m stewing over other people and trying to predict what they will do, creating scenarios in my mind, etc. I did learn some valuable stuff while I was sick or soon thereafter. I realize that stress plays a big part in chronic illness and I’ve had one illness after another for a month. I mentioned I had to self-parent on Monday and had no idea how. Well, I was too sick to take a crash course so I just did the best I could to get through it. My phobia is vomiting, and although I rarely do, when I get sick like that and feel so close, I really lose control. Anyhow, I was determined not to let a run of the mill illness debilitate me like it has in the past. Yesterday morning I woke up scared and really anxious. I said, Okay, I feel much better in terms of being sick, time to start figuring out this reparenting thing. So, I prayed and talked to my little self for the first time ever. I was able to realize through illness that I was subconsciously giving ALL my energy and thoughts to worrying about my family and the upcoming weekend. I was not at all staying in the moment. For several weeks I have been ruminating non-stop over this weekend, and all my extended family being here. In the illness, I realized, I HAVE to stop this and take better care of myself. I have to give it up and just let whatever will be, be! I have to remind myself that I’m who I am, and if they don’t like me, I can’t help that! I am suffering physically now because of all the stress and worry. Time to do something different!! It has given me strength to realize this. Now, my health has suffered, I HAVE to do something different. I have had weird eye infections, kidney stones, a stomach flu, and a tooth in pain. I know it’s from letting the worry eat me alive.

    Another revelation I had in being sick, was that caffeine is not my friend and I have to give it up for good. I’ve known it all my life. I just tend to blow it off for periods of time. I need to be done with it forever. I’m now taking steps to eliminate it. I know, sounds simple. Not really that easy. I have used it as a form of self sabotage, food replacement, a source of energy in depression, etc. It’s also an addiction. I drink coffee all day, and forego food. Not healthy!!

    Anyhow, all this said, I had some time to reflect while I was in bed. 🙂
    I spoke to my little self, and to God a lot. I figured some things out that need to be set in motion, and the bright side is, I’m back to myself pretty much. Illness such as this has caused great and lasting havoc for me at other times in my life. The fear (which I couldn’t recognize) was overwhelming and I ended up hospitalized unable to eat. After huge weight loss and dehydration, and a battery of tests, it was boiled down to one thing, anxiety! I HAVE to get that arrested PERIOD!! This time, I’ve done much better. I am back to eating, and I had the brief period of waking up with fear and doom yesterday. Today, I’m looking it in the face and saying NO MORE!!! I need to LIVE!!
    Thanks for your support everyone!! I needed this feedback and soft place to fall!
    Peace and love to you all,
    Mimi

  14. By: Diane Posted: 23rd May

    Mimi….hi! I hope you feel better soon! I feel for you about your fear issues and black and white thinking! I think it can be difficult to remember to be extra kind to ourselves when we feel icky! Sending you hugs and extra comfort today….and you aren’t all alone! It is so great that we “check in ” with each other in our discussions….it has been a source of comfort for me personally too! I appreciate that healing is a process….and in some ways we ARE healed, and in some ways we are still healing, and then in other ways we are still messy and trying to find our way. It is all good and we learn so much in the process! I am so proud of myself for how far I have healed…and even though there is more….it’s all good and okay! Like Sonia just wrote….brighter days are ahead for us….for YOU!

  15. By: SMD Posted: 23rd May

    Mimi,
    Thanks for your support & kind words. LC does feel like slowly ripping off a bandaid OUCH! I’m still dealing with my guilt, which I made a conscious decision to release, when I threw my rock. It’s going to be a work in progress is what I’m seeing. Thanks for the compliment about being a strong lady. It’s more about being aware of my limitations & strengths. I’ve been physically sick too, with bronchitis & a sinus infection, which as me feeling cranky and vunerable the last couple of weeks, on top of dealing with my mom being in a bad way. When it Rains it Pours sometimes! Wish it would stop raining & light will be on it’s way LOL. I hear you about Fear too & I’ve had more than my share. You are doing well too. Your a kind & strong lady yourself. Recovery can be lonely but you are far from alone! Brighter Days are ahead of us all!
    Love, Sonia

  16. By: SMD Posted: 23rd May

    Sophia,
    Great News!…It sounds encouraging & such a relief to have your brother on your side. He does sound supportive & it’s a good thing you gave him the benefit of the doubt. I know exactly what you mean when you say, “I got triggered on my false beliefs about deserving abandonment & rejection.” I automatically go there too & it’s not always the truth of the situation though. I’m looking at my automatic negative emotions & saying to myself, “Do I really believe that & Is that True”. Feelings are not good or bad, right or wrong, it’s just how we interpret them. I look at what do I know to be true..the facts and I don’t really know what someone else is thinking or feeling, unless they tell me. I’m trying not to be a mind reader because that is faulty thinking. I’m glad things worked out for you. Wishing you happy days ahead with your brother.
    Hugs,
    Sophia

  17. By: SMD Posted: 23rd May

    Alaina,
    Thanks for your support! Your right, I have done what I could with my mom and I’m working on letting the guilt go. I understand intellectually, but the hard part is to emotionally detach. It’s a work in progress for me and I find myself saying the same thing over & over to let it sink in. It’s like Darlene says, it takes time to let things gel & sink in, until it becomes cemented into our belief system. Wish I could skip to the healed part already UUGGHH! I do have more good days than bad lately, it’s just outside stressors are anxiety provoking and it sometimes feels like I’m slipping back. I’m going to keep moving on in my healing journey.
    Hugs Alaina,
    Sonia

  18. By: SMD Posted: 23rd May

    Diane,
    Thanks for your support & positive comments!…You made me smile. It means a lot to have validation regarding my family. I often feel alone, when it comes to seeing my family’s dysfunction. It’s been amazing & eye opening to read that others here deal with the same crap! It’s inspiring to see others growing & supporting each other on EFB! It’s a great on-line support group! Yay for that!!
    Hugs to you too Diane,
    Sonia

  19. By: Sophia Posted: 23rd May

    Thanks to all for being here for me! He did call me this morning and we had a good talk. He was warm and encouraging and he did point out just how busy he’s been lately (in business meetings until 9pm last night, for example). We’re both working on repairing years of damage from trauma and abuse, and he did say that he is open to talking with me about what I am experiencing and learning in therapy.

    I figure that when he didn’t call back right away I got triggered on my false beliefs about deserving abandonment and rejection. Again! Anyway, tonight we are supposed to do a conference call so I can connect with him and my nephews, and then we will discuss my visit.

    Everything is bubbling up in me: anger, tears, years of frustration. I have to work hard to distinguish historical pain from present day incidents which may or may not be hurtfully meant. I have to cherish my brother, I think, because he DOES acknowledge the truth about our family, he wants me to do better, and he has his own struggles, too. If I say that the fact that our father is dead now and our stepmother is out of our lives is actually a blessing, I think you all know what I mean.

    Thanks so much,
    Sophia

  20. By: Alaina Posted: 23rd May

    Hi Sonia,

    That’s heavy stuff but I’m impressed by your boundaries. I imagine it’s really tough not to think about and also to handle the emotional tug, but you sound like you know what you’re all about and where you stand. Hopefully she will seek out the help she needs from her Dr. and/or other resources. Take care and be good to yourself. I’d like to say, let go of the guilt because you’ve done what you could and there’s nothing for you to feel guilty about, but such things are so easy to say and another to do… but I do wish that you may have that release.

  21. By: Mimi Posted: 23rd May

    Sophia,
    I understand your pain. I have cried so many tears over my sisters. They claimed we needed to stick together in holding my mom accountable. They both have kids, so the bottom fell out of that. They have all but said they are going back to the “pretend” life. Now, I’m alone in it and it hurts and it’s scary. I don’t know your brother’s intentions. All I can say is, I would be crying too. Even if the intentions are good, there is so much crap surrounding family pain, that I’m very sensitive right now
    to the slightest indication of MORE pain. I sincerely hope your brother pulls through and means what he says. I hope you come and share the outcome as well. Love and hugs to you.

    SMD,
    You are one strong lady!! Limited contact seems to be like slowly ripping off a bandaid rather than just giving it a good jerk! I am plagued by all or nothing thinking. In many areas of life. I forget that I do that. It happens with my mom. I think I have to be completely free of her to experience any freedom at all. It feels like I’m connected to her IV on a very slow drip.

    I have really had big setbacks lately. I don’t know if I’m coming or going. Being sick doesn’t help. Although, being in bed gave me time to work on the letter I’ve been drafting to mother. I am anxious and tearful. I am going through a time of forced self-parenting and it’s abundantly clear that I have no idea how to do it. I freak out a little when I’m sick (or a lot sometimes). I had to really bear down and pray Monday and be sick alone. That’s hard for me. I get so scared. If I could ever figure out the root of that, I could maybe reverse it or at least work on reversing it. I have no idea where the fear comes from though. I didn’t do so well on Monday. I survived it of course, but, I was very scared. I am SO SICK of fear!!

    Anyhow, sorry to get off subject. You seem to be doing well SMD. Congrats for that and for minding your boundaries.
    Love,
    Mimi

  22. By: Diane Posted: 22nd May

    SMD….wow you are REALLY going thru some stuff today! You sound amazingly aware of what everyone is about in your family, and I can understand why you are choosing to stay in limited contact! I read what you and others here deal with in their relationships and my heart goes out to you and them and I wish I could give you a real hug right now! You have been such an inspiration to me! I send you Internet hugs and comfort! 🙂

  23. By: SMD Posted: 22nd May

    Alaina,
    I agree with you on having a choice to engage in empathy “regularly” or for “extended periods of time”. I don’t want or need to do that with my mom. She has my dad, although my dad is not that empathetic. He tends to discount my mom’s feelings & pain. However, I will stay emotionally detached, since it is not my problem to take on. I have to take care of myself & my kids. I have expressed my concern to my mom & dad, over my mom’s severe physical pain and suggested pain management. She has multiple health problems.

    After talking to my mom’s sister today, I found out that she is also having suicidal thoughts & doesn’t want to “burden her family” with her problems. Well, it would be more of a burden if she acted on her thoughts, in my opinion. It was upsetting to hear about her mind set, however, part of me thinks she is vying for sympathy by burdening my Aunt. Don’t like to think she is being manipulative, but she knows I talk with my aunt. However, I talked to my dad & she will be going to the Dr soon. I did not mention the suicidal thoughts to him, since my aunt told me that in confidence, and she already confronted my dad with it. I plan to stay in limited contact by phone for awhile. I feel guilty for not being there, however, she is not alone and again, I don’t want to put myself in the line of fire. She is nasty when she is sick! Wishing her Peace & Pain Free days ahead….
    Sonia

  24. By: SMD Posted: 22nd May

    Sophia,
    I don’t see it as a warning signal either and I understand your concern. I too feel like certain family members avoid me by not returning my phone calls. Recently, I left two messages on a family member’s cell phone on two different days. One message was an invitation to a party and the other call was to follow-up a few days later. I was going to throw in the towel, until I gave it one last shot, the day before the party. Nothing like the last minute, but I wanted an answer either way. So, I was in luck the 3rd time and he answered. He did explain that he was away, however, I know he goes everywhere with his phone. I let it go, since he came through and I took his explanation at face value. He was able to come to the party after all.

    Sometimes people are really just too busy & other times they avoid, for whatever reason. My sister is another story, I can never leave a message for her, since her messages are always filled and she usually doesn’t answer the phone. Other family members have the same problem and go through her husband’s cell phone. Some people just don’t bother to return calls & I wonder is it there way of avoiding others, until they want to reach out. It’s not fair or mutual. It’s happened in my dysfunctional family for years. I have said something to my sister about not being able to leave a message or get in contact. She shrugs it off & doesn’t change. With my sister I think it’s a control issue & avoidance. She wants to talk, when she wants to talk. So one-sided. Anyway, hope this helps in some way. For me, it’s more frustrating to track certain people down. It’s just too much work and I don’t do it often. Hope it works out!
    Sonia

  25. By: Diane Posted: 22nd May

    Sophia, I feel for you! I grew up with 3 brothers…one older and two younger and let me throw this out to you as perhaps another possibility. My brothers were not TAUGHT and TRAINED when they were growing up, so they developed different expectations in relationships for themselves and by themselves. No one was right or wrong….but it did hurt when we weren’t on the same page in how we related back and forth. I agree with Dave and what he said …..hang in there and hugs and comfort to you !

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