How to Recognize when Your Best Interests are NOT Considered

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silencing child abuseSometimes I get comments from people that are so filled with judgement that I don’t even consider publishing them. I am sharing the following comment with you today because it is a fantastic example of the judgement that is out there in the world about what we reveal when it comes to our dysfunctional family stuff.  I didn’t publish this comment on the post it came in on~ I didn’t see the point in giving this woman a voice and her comment is so ridiculous ~ especially since it is from this total stranger who doesn’t know me, my story or my family.

This comment speaks volumes about her judgements; she really thinks that she knows my family history and sides with my father. She offers proof that I misunderstood my father’s intentions and decides that it is up to me to mend this broken fence. She absolves my father of all responsibility for the abandonment that I suffered at his hands.

And because this kind of lecture is SO common, and since we have been hearing this kind of stuff since childhood, it is easy to get sucked into this kind of judgement and “feel bad” for MY actions; or at least it might have made me feel bad 5 years ago. Today I was shocked. I thought “how the heck does this woman KNOW anything about my parents or what happened in my family or to my mother? Why does she think she knows anything about my father, his decisions, his actions or his intentions? 

I didn’t publish this comment on the post where she left it because this kind of stuff heaps more damage on the already damaged reader.  I am publishing it today to highlight a typical example of what survivors of abuse and dysfunctional family stuff hear all the time from judgemental and unhelpful people.

This comment originally came in on the post “The Foundation of a Dysfunctional Mother Daughter Relationship”  Here is the comment:

“It seems to me from my perspective, that the move of the family may have been your dad’s way of perhaps, “A new environment would improve your mom’s outlook on life.” Unknowingly a move is a big stress factor, a situation that burdens a family so much that at times it collapses. It appears your Father was emotionally drained (as you are now) by your Mom. He probably in all fairness felt your Mom could better care for the children. I don’t know if he was supportive $$$. If he was, this seems to support the theory that because of his overload with your mom, he felt she would better nurture you guys. You don’t know that your mother asked him to stay away. You also don’t know his side. You only know what your Mom wants you to know. Give the fellow a chance. Do not pull him into your Mom’s and yours relationship, but just form a friendship with him and leave your mom, and the past where it belongs. Reach out to your Dad in love and chances are at first he will wonder why you’ve contacted him, but the relationship, if you leave the past behind, can evolve into one of mutual love and respect.”

I don’t even know where to start to pick this kind of comment apart because it is so crazy! How on earth does she come to these conclusions??? But I didn’t post this comment to justify what I wrote in the original post. I published it here now to show you that people who say stuff like this don’t actually know what they are talking about therefore we don’t have to give them credibility. This woman is a total stranger who is judging me and my decisions concerning my parents from one blog post about when my father left my mother.  How can she possibly have “a perspective”? She has no clue about the truth here and so I don’t have to give her any weight in my life. Her opinion doesn’t matter. I don’t owe her any explanations. I don’t need to fill in the gaps so she understands my decisions or my conclusions. She is simply wrong and furthermore, it is none of her business. And the same goes for people who think they DO know me. 

That is how it is with most of the people who tell us that we are ‘wrong’. They don’t know the whole story. They don’t want to hear the whole story. They have their own reasons for wanting us to sweep our stories under the carpet and we don’t have to understand those reasons in order to move forward with our lives.

So next time someone says “your parents did the best they could” ~ consider that they are wrong. Period.  You don’t have to prove it.

The next time someone tells you to ‘leave the past where it belongs’ ~ consider that the person advising you to do that is either the one who doesn’t want their treatment of you exposed OR that they too have burdens they are afraid to deal with. Consider that they really don’t have a clue what the past they want you to leave without sorting out, IS. Consider that these people are advising you to keep carrying that burden by not letting you lay it down by talking about it in order to deal with it.

Consider becoming the captain of your own ship and the master of your own life and consider that you deserve to have freedom of speech. You have a right to tell your story. It’s yours to tell. You deserve freedom and wholeness. You deserve to move forward and away from the past by facing the truth about that past without anyone else having a say about the way you do that. 

These people have their own agenda. It isn’t that they don’t understand, it’s that they don’t want to understand. This comment is about the woman who wrote it and about HER fear. Comments like these from family members come from the same mind set.

I don’t have to care what her motive or her trigger is. I only have to assure myself that I do not have to engage in any kind of justification for my decisions with anyone. I can simply dismiss them.

And I do.

Please share your thoughts about people who tell you that you are wrong when it comes to your own story or about any other aspect of this subject. Your privacy is important and you are free to use any name you wish in the comment form. Only the name you use in the comment form will be seen by others. Although Emerging from Broken has a facebook page, the comments on this page are not posted there.

Exposing Truth; one snapshot at a time

Darlene Ouimet

The Emerging from Broken book is ready for download! If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, get this book today! This 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to healing.  Get yours here through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

 

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282 response to "How to Recognize when Your Best Interests are NOT Considered"

  1. By: Mary Ann Posted: 24th November

    Catherine,
    I understand the pain and heartache you feel about never really belonging.I was the only child from my mother’s second marriage. Her first husband and 6yr old son died when their car was hit by a train at a blind crossing. My half siblings had many false memories of their father being a saint. My father being the predator he was caused me to be on the lowest level of the pecking order in the family. My mother ignored my half sisters protests about him also so they resented him and it spilled over on me. I became the scapegoat and was never treated with equal value. My half sisters were close in age and they protected each other over the years until they left home. They lived out their scripts one married a very controlling man and one married a phedophile. My brother in law was my second abuser. I was the whisle blower and it really rocked the famliy boat. My mother could never handle the truth so she discounted and blamed me. I know what it was all about now,they thought if they could shut me up there wouldn’t be any trouble for them. My family ignored me until I had a bad bladder infection when I was 10 and I told my doctor about my abuse. My parents were so mad at me on the way home there was dead silence in the car. I kept quite about it after that experience. My doctor didn’t help me and I don’t know what they told him to get off the hook. I don’t think my mother ever liked me but I was her best source of supply because I was so broken by the time I was 16yrs old that I had panic attacks and a depressive episode. She was happy to shove me out the door at 15 and lie about my age so I could get married. There is so much more I could say about the abuse my father put me through when I lived with him one summer. I put all that stuff away for years hoping for a crumb of love from my family for protecting them.I missed my chance to bring charges against my father and my mother and I accepted my role as scapegoat for many years. If a law suit will validate you then go for it. They had everyone snowed and labeled me as mental and defective. I had one half brother that wanted to help me but his wife wouldn’t let him keep me with them. I’m over 60 now and I am free and I really don’t need my family to love me now. My half sisters the two siblings I have left can go on living their scripts with my blessings. There has been some form of sexual abuse in their own families that they didn’t have the courage to deal with and their children suffered because of it. I tried to protect a niece of mine but one of my sisters lived with that man for 40 yrs. Finally I thought why do I want love from these people or acceptance? How would their validation add any value to my life? I have no respect for any of them for living the way they do and the only way they can feel better about themselves is to discount me and twist the truth. You don’t heal by hanging out with people like that whether it is family or not. They mouth the word love and then stab you in the back as soon as they get the chance. A snake is a snake no matter how good you are to it given the chance it will bite you with no remorse. The story about the Crab Bucket was an excellent resource for me posted on Sister Renee’s site. There is another one about the Boiling Frog but don’t remember where I found that one.

  2. By: Kimberly Posted: 24th November

    Hi Catherine…when you find that answer please let me know! Fir me it was the realization that no matter how much you wish a snake was a swan and tried to dress it up…forgive it…charm it…wish it or pray..a snake it always will be.
    Sorry…I wish I knew!
    But here is a hug! Kimverly

  3. By: Catherine Todd Posted: 24th November

    I keep going back to Mary Ann’s description of “Climbing Out of the Crab Pot.” What a perfect way to put it! I did that at the tender very young age of 16, but lately have been trying to climb back in! What craziness is that?

    Darlene, how about creating another discussion just about this phenomenan? Or am I the only one going through this, at my late(r) age? When I hit 60 I realized that with the last few years of my life in the Third Act, I always believed that one day “all would be well.”

    Now, almost 50 years later, I have to face the realization that this is never going to happen, and this has been devastating to me. I didn’t know I was living this way and that this was a “core belief” that kept me going. I am now going through the same anger and grief that I went through 25 years ago when I accepted being cut off from my family. Now I am being cut off from my own dream of reconciliation. But I am left with my anger and grief.

    MY OWN FEELINGS at this point are killing me. How can I keep myself in this prison of emotions is beyond me, and how to get out is even farther in the murky distance.

    I ask God to help me find a way towards the light.

    So sorry for the many posts I am making, essentially saying the same thing. If it’s too many you don’t have to post them. But for some reason I can’t seem to stop reading and writing, and everyone here has a statement that is a diamond or pearl. It’s keeping me going at this moment in time.

    Not only am I digging graves, I am stringing a necklace of diamonds and pearls.

    Dear God, please show me The Way.

  4. By: Kimberly Posted: 24th November

    I agree…who they are has nothing to do with who we are…it’s who they..it’s their core of being. We are just told lies that brainwash us from the cradle. Oh they live you! Oh they hurt! Oh we all make mistakes…blah blah blah…yet we want to overlook that cause we want the fantasy and that us where we make our mistakes…I think sometimes we have to just get stung so many times and maybe so badly that we finally see what the truth is. Only recently dud I finally get it…it has nothing to do with me! It’s not even on their radar to care…they don’t get it and what I keep seeing in my life and those around me too is that we want to ignore it…pretty it up…cause who we were…is so wrapped up in that…it defines us sadly…and this is where we unwrap and detach from…we see as we can what horrible layering of the webwork they weave.

  5. By: DarleneOuimet Posted: 24th November

    Hi Catherine
    In answer to this very very popular question “And despite all my accomplishments in all the world, it means nothing to me because my mother did not love me. How can I be worth anything at all?” which you have also posted today~
    The key is in realizing that your mother does not get to define your worth. No person gets to define another person ~ they try and they convince us that what ever they say is the truth, that they know best, that they are right and they find all kinds of ways to “teach this to us and to prove this to us” but they are wrong. Your mother is wrong. Her love or lack of love does not define your worth. Not even a bit. Finding out HOW I was defined by specific actions and trauma is what helped me to UN-define myself and then re-define myself with the truth. That is the way out of the darkness and pain. Keep reading, it takes time for it to all sink in!
    Hugs, Darlene

  6. By: Catherine Todd Posted: 24th November

    Darlene, in #265 you said “That is why it is so important for us to heal as individuals and heal by seeing the truth.”

    Yes, I understand this and “see the truth” but how do I come to accept that my own mother hated me? She did from the day I was born. She told stories about how awful I was because I “didn’t care about anyone but myself, because I stepped on my baby sister when I was two years old and just kept walking.”

    This was a family story she told at every single get together, Christmas and Thanksgiving included, with both branches of the family sitting there. I ended up leaving the table in tears almost every time. And that was just the beginning with her. Then my father would get into it and physically threaten me for one thing or another, and everyone would jump on me saying I had done this or that” so I stopped going to any family event.

    The few times I broke that rule, such as when I got married, they managed to ruin it in the present and in perpetuity too. I’m still hearing horrible stories, some for the very first time! about what I did or what went on at my wedding that I know nothing about. These stories circulate endlessly in this family, and they haven’t seen me in 25 or 30 years.

    I thought my mother was the Guardian at the Gate and once she was gone, like the Wicked Witch of the West, all her monkey military would suddenly transform into fine, caring individuals, who would WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH.

    But no. They have taken up the cudgel and the sword and have raised the flag even higher.

    And despite all my accomplishments in all the world, it means nothing to me because my mother did not love me. How can I be worth anything at all?

    I never realized that this “CORE BELIEF” was so strong in me, as I lived all these years believing that surely before my mother died, we would have a reconciliation. We were working towards that, I thought, and then the atom bomb was dropped. She refused to see me before she died and I have been left devastated. I can write about this a hundred or a thousand times and nothing makes the hurt go away.

    I have to find a way out of this darkness and pain. Thank God for forums like this where I can at least read what goes on for other people, and it’s not much different for the rest of us. So I will live another day. That is my legacy and my will and all the Guardian Angels who have saved me.

    But how to come to terms with this? Just by continue to read and write and participate and tell the truth, heartache and pain, and cry out the tears until acceptance comes. I guess.

  7. By: Catherine Todd Posted: 24th November

    Mary Ann, you wrote in #260: “I am the one that actually climbed out of the Crab Pot!”

    This has really hit home. I have read your post over and over again. I can’t believe how much wisdom and truth it contains. I also “climbed out of the crab pot” and I am the ONLY ONE out of a family of TEN. But now that I’m old I see that I’ve been trying to CLIMB BACK IN!

    When my mother was dying with cancer a couple of years ago, I really thought we would have a deathbed reconciliation. Who doesn’t have this? But no, she and my sisters refused to allow me to come. Even though we had re-contacted by phone and email for the last year or so. I couldn’t believe it. It really hurt me more than I ever realized, as I’m still not over it and it’s been more than two years.

    I have been trying to reconnect with one sister, who was the youngest one that I always thought I had a good relationship with. But she – and everyone else included – nieces, nephews, people I have never met – have all been indoctrinated with the lies my mother told. That woman did everything she could to destroy me and luckily it didn’t work, but all my accomplishments mean NOTHING to me BECAUSE MY MOTHER DIDN’T LOVE ME.

    I didn’t even know this until NOW that she’s gone. And I am relieved, because she can’t hurt me anymore. But my youngest sister has taken up “the cudgel and the sword.” She has become the keeper of the flame, and my sisters have all begun the “beatification process” of my mother’s name. I just can’t believe it. I thought after 50 years they might start wondering just what went on and have a few questions, but they have “all the answers” and throw them like acid in my face, every chance I get.

    Any contact at all with any of them is so incredibly depressing, I just can’t believe it. My brothers have not participated in this, but have heard all the same gossip and lies, but don’t send hate mail or make other statements that the females in the family do. Why? But I have no relationship and no family whatsoever so the deepest longing in my heart will never be realized. They will “never love me” and they will never support me and I don’t even know if they even know what those words mean. On the surface they espouse “family,” but in reality what do they do?

    Blackball me and hurt me and destroy me every chance they get. How can I be so hated by people that I haven’t even seen for 25 or 30 years? All I did was “tell” what my father did to me to protect my niece from the same thing at the same age. How could these people not THANK ME?

    Are they as evil as that?

    I have come to the conclusion that my sisters may have willingly participated in the sexual abuse that went on when we were young. One sister came up with the new name for me of “S.W.W.A.R.N.” “She Who Will Always Remain Nameless.” That’s what they have been calling me for years. Me.

    What is to remain “nameless?” What my father did. What my mother did by denying it and trying to have me arrested and committed and actually jaied, when I was 14 and 15 years old. Didn’t work and God saved me and I was able to leave when I was 16 years old. But I am still stuck in a mental prison that is equal to the physical one they kept me in, the last year before I was legally allowed to leave home.

    And 46 years later they hate me still.

    I’m like a foreign country that war has been declared on and everyone in there has been indoctrinated against me. People and children I have never even met. How do I walk away from all of this, at this late stage? I thought it didn’t matter anymore, but it does.

  8. By: Catherine Todd Posted: 24th November

    Mary Ann, thank you for your comment about the hopelessness and trauma of reconnecting with some of your siblings. When I tried to reconnect with ONE out of TEN, I have been traumatized, accused, lied to, everything I say twisted into unrecognition, blamed, criticized, told to keep silent, everything under the sun. I want to take them all to court for defamation and emotional distress and I’m looking into the laws right now. I could file pro-se (by self) and regardless of whether I “won” or not, I would have had my story backed up by FACTS and my story would be told.

    They would have to answer in a court of law to all the horrendous gossip, slander, libel and defamation they have heaped upon me all these years. So I would win either way. I actually am “dreaming” about this and I know it’s practice to do it for real.

    It’s a question of standing up for myself, and I am trying to find the strength to write my story all over again and get it over with and out of me I hope. I want this to end. It’s my own anger and pain that makes my life miserable. They are all doing just fine.

    I have to find out how to take care of me after a life-time of wishing those others cared about me. So now it begins.

  9. By: Catherine Todd Posted: 24th November

    What I meant to say is that I wrote a letter to my parents when I was 38 years old disclosing my father’s sexual abuse when I was much younger, living at home, because my sister’s daughter who was 16 was going to stay with them for a year. This was the same age I was when I finally was legally allowed to leave home, as I had gone to court to become an emancipated minor.

    I wrote to both my parents about what my father did to me, and that if I heard one breath about him abusing my niece, I would have him put in jail. When he was abusing me, there was nothing I could do about it. We had no protection under the law. But now things were different and I would see him jailed if need be. I begged them both to get help and get counseling for all of us and find a way to resolve this. That of course, fell on deaf ears.

    And as you can imagine, that was the end of me.

    They all came after me with hate mail and hate phone calls and then my mother put a ban on me that lasted ten years. For some reason it was lifted, and one year they all wrote letters “forgiving me” one Christmas and I did not answer.

    I was “no contact” for 20 or 25 years. I finally I contacted them again when my mother had cancer, and we exchanged phone calls and emails. I thought resolution was in the offing. But on her death bed, she refused to see me. I couldn’t believe it. And none of my sisters wanted me there.

    I’ve been trying to resolve things with my youngest sister who is married to a pastor, of all things, and they have hurt me the worst. Throwing lies about me like acid in my face. And she was 6 years old when I left home, so she knows nothing about me! But her pastor husband has “heard the same consistent stories about me all these years” so he “knows” they must be true.

    I really believe that some of my sisters were willing partners in the sexual misconduct with my father. Willing and active, given their behavior with men afterwards. And that is probably why they hate me so much. Because I TOLD.

    My youngest sister says my “crime” is that I talked about things that should be “kept within the family.” As if a life of lies and denial is the only and right way to live and her husband is in charge of a Methodist Church and a “flock” of parishioners! He’s as bad as the Catholic church in protecting the abusive pedophile priests. Or the University administrators who protected Jerry Sandusky. I am so angry about this I can’t see straight, and I am 62 years old. I left home at 16, so that means this was “over” 46 years ago. Almost 50 years ago. Almost half a century ago. And I am reliving it as if it were yesterday, thanks to my stinking mother and sisters who went after me as if I were the devil himself.

    But THEY WERE THE DEMONS. Not me. I was a good child who told the truth and got away. I hope they burn in hell. As another friend said, “As soon as my mother got to those pearly gates, someone was sitting her down and she was getting a talking to. And she had a lot of explaining to do!”

    So I always have to laugh in the end, when my stomach doesn’t hurt so much I feel like crying. This Sandusky trial has really brought up a LOT for me. I feel like an emancipated slave who still has the whipping scars I bear, for the rest of my life.

    My father has to live with what he did to me, and so do I.

    I ask God every single day to lift this anger and depression from me, and show me The Way.

    Amen.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 24th November

      Hi Catherine
      In some families where the children are punished for non compliance, that punishement is always the order of the day. That is why it is so important for us to heal as individuals and heal by seeing the truth. (that THEY were the demons and not you). I had to see that this punishment was about them and not about me. When I was a kid it worked, in fact it worked until I was in my 40’s. (so affraid of the punishment that I complied). For me I had to see that their ways were wrong and just because the majority agreed, didn’t mean that any of them were right. As I healed, the clarity increased.
      Hugs, Darlene

  10. By: Catherine Todd Posted: 24th November

    Mary Ann, I know just how you feel. You wrote: “there are lots of them and only one of me.” Yes, there’s ten in my family and there’s only one of me. I get hate mail too. What I did was start “picking them off, one by one.” Turns out some of them (the boys) didn’t really care what was happening to me. They didn’t participate. It was my mother and sisters that were really going after me, especially after I disclosed my father’s sexual abuse (again) as an adult. They were so incredibly vicious that I am coming to believe that some of them must have been active participants and that’s why they can’t stand me telling the truth.

    Either way, as you say, I’m stronger than they are and they can all go to hell for all I care. That’s where they belong. And as a spiritual friend of mine said, my parents are going to have “a lot of explaining to do” when they get to the pearly gates! I look forward to that. It’s one of the few things that makes me smile whenever I think of them and the hereafter!

  11. By: Mary Ann Posted: 23rd November

    I believe I have finally recognized what is in my best interests and what is not with my family. I am the one that actually climbed out of the Crab Pot! I have two siblings left and trying to resume a relationship with them almost pulled me back in. I understand now what the struggle was all about because now they don’t get to define me by their perception and attitude about me anymore. I think it messes with their script to allow me to be who I really am. If I disagree with them or confront them about an issue they go covert on me try to twist the issue. I was the family scapegoat for many years and it never occured to them that I had changed. Uncomfortable with the new me the invisible war began.I really thought they were just Codependant and had been in controlling relationships most of their lives like me. The definition Narcisstic never occured to me until I began an up close view of the Family Dynamics! I’m still trying to sort it all out on my own now.I have been in Therapy off and on most of my life because of my abusive childhood. I didn’t deal with the sexual abuse from my father and brother in law with a Therapist until I was 30yrs.old. All through the years I believed their bullshit about me being weak because of my depressive episodes and needing Therapy. When I began to validate myself and not accept the role they put me in the war began.I realized that I was the smart one,the independant one and the strong one and they can’t take that from me ever again. They could only love me being less than them and going limited and no contact with many family members has been my only option so I can continue my healing.I don’t hate my family but I do hate what they did to me.On the other hand I can’t feel any love for the ones that have let me down and continued to discount me over the years. I wonder sometimes about my parents and how they explained themselves to my Heavenly Father after they died. I’m so relieved to have a safe site to express myself on.I was mobbed on Sister Renee’s site and got hate email for posting on one other site. They were banned but I know there watching me and there are lots of them and only one of me. I have gotten a lot of excellent information here and it really helps me keep my focus. Thanks to all and especially Darlene for this site.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 24th November

      Hi Kimberly
      Yes, that is so very often true. The reaction is so often “how dare you?” and “who do you think you are to say ‘no’ to me”. It is stunning really…
      hugs, Darlene

      Hi Mary Ann
      YAY for climbing out of the crab pot! Great comments Mary Ann, thanks for sharing. I am sorry for what happened to you on other sites and I am glad that you feel safe here!
      Hugs, Darlene

  12. By: Kimberly Posted: 23rd November

    Yes…when you are no longer their punching bag anymore they really begin to hate you even more…

  13. By: Catherine Todd Posted: 22nd November

    Wow Darlene. You hit the nail on the head!

    “There is a truth leak in what your mother said when she said “what happened to my loving daughter” it shows her false def. of love. (that love is compliance and obedience) and finding out that is NOT love really helped me a lot!”

    Love your term “truth leak.” And now I understand why I never agreed that my parents “loved” me when I was exorcised when I was not compliant or obedient. And I probably rarely was, given the violence I grew up with in that house (not a home). Truth Leak is my middle name now that I’m naming things. Gracias, amiga.

  14. By: Catherine Todd Posted: 21st November

    Kimberly wrote in #254:

    “When I got strong and held her accountable…she claimed she didn’t know who I was anymore! She would say what happened to my loving daughter?”

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA HAHAHA!!! Kimberly, I couldn’t stop smiling. Really. So you got strong and you know what? It showed when you stood up so well to Cathy. Good going, Kimberly! If nothing else, these people teach us to be strong, or die. Literally. So even if we don’t want to have to be that strong (I certainly am, but didn’t wish to be), they have done us some kind of favor. Even if we could have done without it!

    Thanks for telling more of your story. I really enjoyed reading it, as I could so easily put myself in your shoes. Amen!

  15. By: Kimberly Posted: 21st November

    My mom used to throw blame on me whenever we would argue…it would start with her saying something underhanded and then me getting upset then her asking me what my problem was and me thinking there was something wrong with me and me apologizing. I used to say to people…why does my own mother hate me so much? Why does she do this?
    It took me a long time to figure it out…she was jealous of me.
    When I got strong and held her accountable…she claimed she didn’t know who I was anymore! She would say what happened to my loving daughter?

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 22nd November

      Hi Kimberly
      I could relate to your comments here too. There is a truth leak in what your mother said when she said “what happened to my loving daughter” it shows her false def. of love. (that love is compliance and obedience) and finding out that is NOT love really helped me a lot!
      Hugs, Darlene

  16. By: Kimberly Posted: 21st November

    Yes people who support abusers often are guilty if the same crimes but when your mother sides with your abuser…it’s pure evil. And you have every right to be angry and upset! To say the least! My parents sided with my uncle who one if them said he was innocent and I was wrong about this…never asked me to share my experience and the other parent said she believed me but get he is my husbands brother in law..so the hell with my child? No there is more going on here…people who throw their child under the bus are not human.

  17. By: Catherine Todd Posted: 21st November

    Shay wrote in #250:

    “Shouldn’t my mother chuck my sexual abuser to the curb and put her child first instead of getting laid and showing off to the world? No one is telling her what to do but everyone is telling me. What s**t!”

    Absolutely! FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY I have found this group where I (we) am not always WRONG. What a relief this is. I feel like I am finally able to start coming alive. PERFECTLY PUT, SHAY. Gracias!

  18. By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 21st November

    Hi Shay
    YES ~ it is not up to you to be the one to do all the repair. SHE is the one that did something wrong. Seeing the truth about all that made a huge difference in my recovery process!
    Thanks for sharing!
    Hugs, Darlene

  19. By: Shay Posted: 20th November

    This is very true. The same can be said about ‘friends’ and coming out the closet. They want to make judgments, create a narrative and every explanation justifies this so-called friends reasons as to why you’re not who you say you are. You’re right though, you shouldn’t have to explain in fact you shouldn’t have to explain no matter who the person is cause it isn’t their business.

    As for abusive parents, I’ve had people tell me that I should just forgive my mother and all this other jazz. But shouldn’t I do that in my own time? Shouldn’t my mother chuck my sexual abuser to the curb and put her child first instead of getting laid and showing off to the world? No one is telling her what to do but everyone is telling me. What s**t!

  20. By: catherine todd Posted: 14th November

    and gracias Darlene!

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 14th November

      Hi Everyone!
      I have published a new post using a quote about narcissism and narcisists from the mayo clinic that sheds some light on why victims of abuse so often question if they are actually the problem (as we have all been told we are). I look forward to the discussion!
      “Survival Mode and an Alternate view of Narcissism”
      hugs, Darlene

  21. By: catherine todd Posted: 14th November

    Silent One and Kimberly put it so perfectly. Thank you all!

  22. By: Kimberly Posted: 14th November

    I am glad to have found this place…I feel very safe here to share and people are generally respectful and kind…there are not many places you can visit where this us true it’s either your banned and cut off for idiotic reasons or the other extreme…a free for all right out abuse.
    Yes…I am truly blessed to have found the people here;)

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 14th November

      Hi Kimberly
      I am blessed too. I had a vision for this site and I acheived it. Now on to the next stage of growth for EFB!
      I am glad that you are here.
      Hugs, Darlene

  23. By: Silent One Posted: 14th November

    Darlene,

    I am so sorry for all the negative comments on here about “denying this woman her voice.” You didn’t deny that woman her voice, you kept yet another dangerously blame ridden comment from reaching the hurting people on your site. This is should be the safe place you are trying to make it.

    As far as I can see, you are keeping hurting people from comments that are so subtly full of blame and misplaced guilt that they lure people back into the cycle of feeling full blame for what their abusers did to them because “they just misunderstood” their abuser’s intentions. The woman was trying to be helpful, but when you have a person that has proven themself harmful and abusive (from past situations) and they tried to blame you for these past events themself, it just reinforces the powerful/harmful message of the abuser that it is the victims fault.

    The woman’s comment is harmless to a person who has not received these messages all their life. But, to someone who has gotten these messages in various forms (subtle, implied, or blatant) her words trigger all those past comments influence psychologically. It goes so far beyond giving the woman her “say” and “voice”. She could SEVERELY set back someone’s healing process, potentially by years.

    Thank you for protecting us from these well meaning, but potentially very harmful comments.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 14th November

      Hi Silent One
      Thank you for your support and encouragement.
      Hugs, Darlene

  24. By: catherine todd Posted: 11th November

    thanks, kimberly… you really gave me a lot to think about. my computer is broken so i had to borrow this one to respond, so i,ll be gone for a little while. but keep responding. gracias, amiga!

  25. By: Kimberly Posted: 10th November

    Then I think it’s not really the men who are at the root if it but the people who raised us and abusers us…these men and other people we meet in the world take advantage if us…they sense a broken spirit and they use that to their advantage. And I had women use me…set me up for things I didn’t do cause they knew no one would believe me and they knew everyone liked them.
    One girl in particular comes to mind to me. She worked in the corporate office in advertising. I was a phone operator and sales clerk. She was everything I was not and one day she said to me…oh come up to the corporate office with me Kimberly…we went into this room where ads were made and she picked something up and broke it in purpose. I had no idea why she did that…as we left she made sure people seen me with her.
    She then told everyone I broke it and everyone hated me. I wasn’t sure exactly what I did but my hours were cut back and no one would talk to me anymore…nit that they really dud before but now it was really bad.
    I didn’t even defend myself and talk about it to anyone…I just accepted it like I did everything else. To this day I am sure people still think I broke it.
    My guess is that she wanted to stick it to someone else and make me take the blame. Gosh I never realized how much I been screwed over…I just totally forgot about this…this was 25 years ago when I worked at a merchandise distributor.

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