How Abusers and Perpetrators Get Away With It


unnamedWhat if I told you that there is a predator in the survivor community posing as an advocate for survivors of child sexual abuse. What if I told you that he has a large following, is well respected, has been interviewed many times and has even been on television. What if I also told you that the evidence against him goes back several years. What if I said that 11 women have come forward with very similar stories of sexual harassment, bullying, blackmail, shaming, and threats.

Would you believe me? I am guessing you would believe me. Most people who follow me, read my work, buy my book and share my posts believe me when I write about my childhood, my mother, my upbringing, my parents and the ways that I was regarded and disregarded, all of which communicated to me that I was not as lovable or as valuable as the people mistreating and disrespecting me were.

But what if you were a friend of my family? What if you realized that I was talking about someone you knew that had been the one doing this stuff to me? What if it was your pastor, your teacher or your coach that had been messing with me? What if it was your aunt, your cousin or your brother in law? How would you react then?

This survivor advocate that I am talking about today is very skilled in grooming his victims to be afraid to tell on him. He is just like any other manipulative controller or abuser who knows that he has to find a way to keep his victims quiet. His pattern is very similar with each of the women he has targeted. He gains their trust, he finds or creates something that he can use against them and when the victim objects, or realizes that he is an abuser, he uses threats, guilt and calls them all sorts of horrible names defining his victims as the problem, taking them back to the helpless childhood they are trying so hard to emerge from and keeping them in the web of fear.

How do you feel about this? What if I told you his name? And what if he was your friend? What if you have had discussions with him and found him to be ‘so nice’ and ‘knowledgeable’ and so “helpful”. What if you had nothing but respect for this guy. What would your reaction be then?

In the general survivor community, a huge part of advocacy work has to do with people encouraging victims to come forward and tell their story. The problem is that so many come forward and are called liars.

I posted a warning on my personal Facebook page this week about a man who is a well known advocate for child sexual abuse survivors. I personally was not friends with him but we had over 180 friends in common. I posted a warning based on the evidence that had been shown to me, most of which is not public due to the FEAR the victims have of him, and I was attacked. I was shamed. I was told that I could be ruining this mans life with my accusations. When I said that there was a magnitude of evidence, someone commented that it is easy for people to create fake email or Facebook accounts and impersonate the perpetrator. That is how important it was to her to discredit the victims and discount the evidence! This was a fellow survivor of sexual abuse AND an advocate for survivors healing from abuse!

People demanded names of these victims. Two of the victims allowed their names to be public and they were shamed so much that one of his victims had to shut her Facebook account down due to the amount of hate mail she was getting. She had proof, she had text messages and emails. And she wasn’t the only one that had proof.

I was reprimanded, guilt tripped and shamed, but mostly (and possibly the most concerning) I was ignored. I had very little impact. On my personal Facebook page – I am not referring to the Emerging From Broken Fan Page which has 84,700 followers – but on my Personal Page I have 1700 friends and 1300 followers. And I was pretty much ignored. When I posted about my eye injury, I over 1000 likes and over 300 comments, but when I post a warning about a perpetrator in our midst, I was ignored. I suspect that most people didn’t want to get involved. And yet, my only purpose ON Facebook is to empower people to heal from the pain that has imprisoned them and to validate that abuse really does happen and that healing is possible.

I am pretty happy today that I don’t tell everyone that healing depends on being believed.

All the encouragement that these same people spout off about “telling” and reporting the abuser, and all the shaming and responsibility that is put on people who “know about the abuse” but don’t come forward and this was the result. The same people who say “just tell” and “stop abuse” are shaming the people that ARE telling and the people supporting them.

I have experienced an amazing range of feelings over this; I felt my hope slipping away. I felt powerless; I wondered if I was actually hurting the perpetrator, I wondered if I should just “mind my own business”. I questioned my purpose for doing this kind of work. But bigger than all those feelings, I remembered all the times that I was called a liar, exaggerator, and that I had ‘misunderstood’ the situation and how helpless I felt. I remembered that feeling of being alone because no one would help me. I remembered the fear of tomorrow because my survival was all up to me. And I remembered that because I was the one that people judged as was liar, the perpetrator of the abuse was empowered to keep abusing. He got a free pass. He got to abuse again and again. I was imprisoned and he went free.

And that is what is happening to the victims of this online perpetrator. People are supporting HIM. The victims are once again alone, shamed, unsupported and disbelieved. No wonder victims are afraid to come forward. Think about it.

I am an expert on emotional healing. Since most of us have never been empowered to think for ourselves or to have a choice I don’t encourage people to do anything that they are not ready to do. I find that is the most empowering stance to take. Therefore, although the solution when it comes to healing doesn’t depend on victims reporting abusers I am very against abuse and I am passionate about doing whatever I can to expose it.

If you suspect that you have been harassed or abused by an advocate for abuse in the survivor community, please contact me through the contact form here, at the button above, and I will put you in touch with the people who are heading up this investigation.

Will you share this post? Will you comment in support of this ongoing investigation for the victims? Do you need ‘proof’ or can you believe that I have seen the proof and that I respect the victims rights NOT to risk the persecution that so often comes with exposing the truth about abusers. Please help me. 

Exposing Truth,

Darlene Ouimet

Related post by Christina Enevoldsen on Overcoming Sexual Abuse ~ Christina shares some of the comments posted by fellow survivors in her new post “What’s Inappropriate About Exposing Abuse?”

The Emerging from Broken bookThe Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing” is ready for download! If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, get this book today! This 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to healing.  Get yours here through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

155 response to "How Abusers and Perpetrators Get Away With It"

  1. By: elisabeth Posted: 17th February

    Thank you so much!

    People far away in the internet are closer to me than anyone at this time. I suffer the consequences from emotional abuse through my mother. No one believes me. Not my husband, not my therapist. I feel so hurt and so alone with this.

    Best wishes from Austria

  2. By: Susan Posted: 2nd September

    I am saddened I didn’t see the post. I am so grateful for this post. The timing lines up exactly with what is going on in my life. You are a large part of my healing.

  3. By: Annabelle Posted: 25th August


    I am a mother, a sister, a friend, a person who had been abused. My abuser was my second husband which by the way is no longer the case as I ended the marriage and he is out. I live in a small community and since I ended the relationship (second marriage), I am still being abused by those who ignore me as though I don’t exist. I went for a year and a bit of counselling and it was the best thing I did for myself even at the time I was still married to my abuser. He is evil, not nice and belongs to the rotary club. Yes, these people want to look good in front of everyone and show a different side behind closed doors as long as they have their victim. The first time I kicked him out but brought him back into the home, which was the worst mistake I made. He got worse and he was doing it to my own daughters especially my youngest. I kicked him out again, went to see my lawyer and I have a prenup so that was great, the house I own I put in my mothers name so he has no way of getting it divided. I helped this man leave and paid him money which he wanted me to buy his stuff. I was not in the mood to argue, I just wanted him out, so I made him sign an agreement which I typed up before giving him a cheque. Bye Bye evil person. So, now I’m in my home, lots of work to be done since he destroyed most of the house, going to list it and move out of this area for good.

    My family and my daughters and close friends from afar are all very supportive and happy that I did this on my terms. The other day, a rotarian came to my door and knows we are not together but asked if I can donate sports tickets to their charity event. The person said we are not Dave, we are rotarians. I told him I will let him know and before he left I said one thing, I was abused. The word needs to get out and people do not need to know all my marriage problems nor issues, no ones business but I did come out and say I was abused by him. I felt great because abusers do not want you to tell anyone and on top of that they will deny any of it. Honestly, I don’t care and his abuse continues as he has told many lies and stories around the community playing himself like he is the victim. I laugh and I stand proud and I don’t care what anyone thinks because all I care about is that I ended the abuse and the abuser is no longer apart of my life. I believe in Karma, what goes around comes around, so let him say his stuff, I believe it only makes him look foolish. My point is, it does not matter what others say, yes it hurts a bit and yes we get abandon by the community but who cares, let them have him and let them find out what he is as long as I can stand up and not fear anymore that which I don’t.

    So, the rotarian I spoke about that came to my door wants me to donate tickets, I will think hard about that as I know clubs have alot of abusers in them. Some people are good and some just use these clubs or their own benefit of not being noticed, under the radar! I will see what I decide, Im not sure what to do and I was kinda not ready for this person coming.

    I looked at alot of things in the past during this (only, thank god) almost 6 yr marriage. He had an affair, drinks alot of booze (alcoholic for sure) and uses alot of drugs. He showed his true colours just after I married him, actually even on my wedding day and ever since he continued. I thought, maybe to settle in as a blended family, no that wasn’t it. I thought maybe he will change, no that did not happen. I thought marriage is for better or for worst and in sickness and health, no that was not in his cards but mine. I was verbally, emotionally, mentally and finally physically abused by this person. I had spousal abuse or another better term is stockholm syndrome. Thank god for the therapy that i continued to go to, my therapist helped me help myself.

    I do not talk to, see, or communicate through cell phone, house phone or fb or emails to this person, ever!

    This person is weak and has their own issues in life which I personally do not care about period.

    I am free, I am happy, I learned that you cannot change nor accept these abusive behaviours, no one deserves to be treated like this.

    Freedom is better than loosing your life to an abusive person which will end your life sooner than later.

    One life to live and it is yours not anyone elses.

  4. By: Light Posted: 25th March


    I am so very sorry you had to go through this emotional and physical abuse and neglect. It sounds brutal. I once had a therapist who told me that I accomplished what I did IN SPITE of my parents, not because of them…and I think this applies to you and your strength as well. Stay strong, keep going, enjoy what you can….

    Do you have an animal companion? (I can’t recall) They can bring such comfort and joy. I like the steadiness of companionship every day.

  5. By: Yvonne Posted: 22nd March

    Dear Ellie,

    You took the words right out of my mouth! I was abused twice—by both of my parents—and then you can add my abusive live-in adopted cousin, and the entire past string of therapists who could not understand or help me. I know that Darlene has an excellent article on why do others side with the abuser and NOT the victim. When I grew up, I had absolutely no idea on just how abused I was! It came out in small pieces and then seemed to snowball and move faster until I realized how big these past issues were.

    I was VERY hurt and angry about having my reputation slandered by both of my parents. I don’t know why they hated me so much. I know now that they were/are very sick people. The irony of it all was that my NM and enabler father (although I’m beginning to view him also as a Narc) would try their best to slander me. They had positively NOTHING on me! I was a well behaved and excellent student. In elementary school, teachers praised my homework and liked me. I had a small circle of girlfriends, too. As an older teen, there was no juvenile delinquency, no drug or alcohol abuse, no teen pregnancy—-basically NOTHING! I was also the live-in maid who did ALL of their housework. I was not allowed to go out with friends, school activities or dating according to my NM. I can remember sitting in a “therapy” session and the therapist could not figure out what the problem was! This therapist had to ask my NM what the problem was and NM could only give her a vague, nonsensical answer.

    It hurt me when my NARC parents would try to gossip and slander me to their neighbors, distant relations, and social acquaintances. These people only got one side of the story—my Narc parents—and not mine! How could these strangers believe any of these accusations if there was absolutely NO EVIDENCE! Another trick that my NARC parents did was to label me in front of others as a “spoiled brat”. They simply could not give up on finding ways to diminish me like a non-person. It’s funny but most of the neighbor kids had more toys and treats and money for their sport/hobbies than me.

    I remember how my NM would try to embarrass me in front of guests at a dinner party and when I was older how I could argue back! She was so illogical that it was pathetic! My favorite comeback as an older teen was, “If you’re so smart then how come you never graduated from college or had a high-paid profession?” and “How come you’re only a high school drop-out?” (I did earn a BA Degree as an older student).

    I can write many stories and examples to support this idea. My father had no involvement in my life and his world consisted of sitting in a recliner chair, with a small dish of peanuts on a side table along with the paper TV Guide, and always the same drink when he came home in the evening. When the TV set was on you didn’t dare suggest changing the channel or try having a brief conversation with him. He was always moody and grouchy and sided with his wife and never protected me! He could be physically abusive toward me, but not as bad as the NM.

    There is a minor story which comes to mind that really hurt me. I’m a Gen X-er and grew up in the 70s and 80s, born in 1968. I was a bookworm as a child and had read “The Black Stallion”. Right after I read the book, they made a movie based on the book. I really wanted to see the movie. This took loads of courage, but I begged and begged my father to take me out to see this movie. The problem being that the movie theater was across town and back then there were no movie rentals on TV or computer. My father finally agreed to take me out and I knew that I would never hear the end of this wonderful gift that he could forever use against me. He dumped me at the movie theater and saw another movie next door. (My father also did this to me a few times when I was a five year old seeing Disney movies and now in today’s world he could have been arrested for abandonment!) I wasn’t afraid of being alone, just hurt that he felt that I was not important enough to spend time with and watch a kid’s movie. I remember being so excited and happy for my father actually giving me a little time and attention and sadly created a complex that my father actually cared about me. I told myself that I would hold onto and cherish this memory for years.

    Fast forward to moving to a new state about 25 years later. I had moved in and out of my parent’s house a couple of times due to being single and not having a high paid job. My Narc parents were hosting yet another one of their horrible dinners. I was so surprised and hurt when my father brought up the incident about seeing that kid’s movie and how it was so inconvenient for him to drive across town since I was a “spoiled brat”. I almost choked (back tears) and excused myself to the kitchen pretending that something went the wrong way. How could this A-Hole NARC father use a simple movie, one day from an innocent child’s life, as if I were some kind of “spoiled brat”, or “criminal”, or whatever? You have got to be kidding me! It was surreal that my one and only good memory was tarnished in an instant by my NARC father.

    I could write an entire book about my NARC family. I have many posts on EFB and in my own way it’s like writing my own book here. It’s interesting how many of our experiences shared here on EFB have to do with perceptions. These NARCS have no real empathy and they are always right and we were gaslighted into believing that we did something wrong as the crazy ones! My father NEVER protected me and he died last year in 2015. I am just realizing now how NARC my father was and he was like an accomplice with my NMom. I think that is how they lasted so long as a couple. They were both a pair of crazies. My NFather could hide it even better than his wife since he was a professional person and labeled as a nice man, but rather quiet at his work!

    I just wanted to share another small but painful incident about NMom slandering my reputation. My NMom had written a letter that was on the kitchen table and I was walking by and glanced down. I never read any of the letter since my NMom jumped right in front of me, grabbed the letter, and ripped it up into shreds. It was a letter slandering me and she knew that it was wrong but did not want me to read it. Talk about a devious woman! My Nmom also had a habit of stealing my mail and paychecks when I was a teen. There is a story I shared once on EFB where I was accepted by a private girls’ high school (all tuition and expenses paid)and NMom hid the acceptance letter from me. I once received a small check from a relative (father’s side) and she took the check out of my hand and said that this money was hers since I lived in my parent’s house!

    I have healed much of my child abuse issues but not all of it. Some days I think that I’m so strong and I try to keep busy but then there are days when I just want to cry and roll up into a ball. I do get the last laugh, however, since I have written numerous comments on EFB exposing “what THEY did to me!” I feel at home here in a safe space.

    Blessed be,


  6. By: Ellie Posted: 18th March

    I am reading your post, and nodding in agreement. I cannot help but think that there is a serious problem with many abuse cases, in that the perpetrator is able to get away with it. I am of the opinion that society allows perpetrators to get away with it – not necessarily doing this deliberately, but doing this out of complete ignorance.

    People who find themselves dealing with a situation where they know somebody is being abused appear to suffer from a multitude of problems, and serious misconceptions. Even those who would, with all the good and well-meaning intent in the world, attempt to offer assistance can get it very wrong.

    First out – as you rightly point out – abusers can be very manipulative. They will go out of their way to hide the abuse, or, if a victim speaks out, they will attempt to slander the victim and make everything the victims says appear like lies. Abusers are very good at creating a false persona – a mask that they use in order to fool people. So, the people they know they have to impress, or people that they are wary of, get a sort of “schmoozing” offensive directed towards them. This is the abuser’s attempt to ingratiate him/herself with anyone that the abuser wants to keep “on side”. Abusers create a false persona of respectability and trustworthiness in the hope that people will be duped by it. As a result, some abusers may like to set themselves up as “pillars of the community” – joining charities, social groups, things like Freemasons and the Rotary Club… These are all things for the abuser to hide behind; they all give a false air of respectability. They make the abuser appear kind, caring, charitable, hardworking, philanthropic… Anything that the abuser hopes onlookers will be fooled by.

    Sadly, onlookers are fooled – VERY easily. For the abuser, it’s all about appearances. Just as an abuser plays with his/her own appearance, pretending to be good, kind, caring; so an abuser will also play with the victim’s appearance. The abuser wants to make the victim appear like a liar, a fraud, or else “crazy”. So, once the abuser has got onlookers to believe the lie that the abuser is a “good” person, it is even easier to get them to believe the lie that the victim is a “bad” person. The abuser uses what amounts to a “smear campaign” – finding out as much that is negative about the victim as possible, and then spreading this malicious gossip. Or, worse, making things up.

    It seems to me that onlookers are not very good at asking questions; they come to the wrong conclusions far too quickly. In believing all the false claims that the abuser makes – claiming to be good, kind, caring – onlookers set the stage for the abuser to get away with the abuse. Furthermore, if onlookers also believe an abuser’s lies about the victim, this adds to the likelihood that an abuser may get away with it. Abusers LOVE to hide behind VICTIM BLAMING.

    Victim blaming can take many forms, one of which is the above. ALL forms give abusers excuses, and allow them the chance to get away with abuse. Often, victim blaming takes the form of questions. These questions always have a similar theme… They are along the lines of “Why does so-and-so let it happen?”. There seems to be an assumption that victims somehow “attract” abuse, or “let it happen”. Victim blamers will ask why victims do not do more to try to stop the abuse happening. They never seem to consider the fact that a victim may be trying everything possible to stop the abuse. Or, that a victim may be too scared to try anything at all.

    Sadly, even Counsellors and Therapists can fall into this problematic behaviour, and become victim blamers. This happens often when a Counsellor or Therapist becomes convinced that a victim has the “power to change his/her own situation”, without really considering what that situation involves. Therapists and Counsellors who fall into victim blaming may make comments to victims such as “You need to change your perspective”, “You need to alter the way you see and respond to the situation”, “You cannot continue to allow matters to affect you like this”. What they are implying is that if the VICTIM could somehow CHANGE, everything would be all-right. The VICTIM should somehow be able to grow a thicker skin, somehow be able to tolerate comments or behaviours that were once hurtful… Just HOW does the Counsellor or Therapist think this will happen? In situations like this, a victim could do all the work in the world in order to become more confident and thick-skinned – BUT if an abuser wants to continue the abuse, then they WILL DO. True, insults may not be as effective if the victim becomes more thick-skinned, BUT the problem is that in some cases this will simply enrage an abuser even more, and he/she will INCREASE the level of abuse. NO amount of self-confidence or thick-skin will stop the harm of abuse, if an abuser decides to “ramp it up”. It’s all very well for Counsellors and Therapists to advise that victims become more confident and thick-skinned, in the belief that this will help them brush off abuse – IT WILL NOT STOP A FIST, A BEATING, IT WILL NOT STOP AN ABUSIVE PARENT SHAKING A CHILD, IT WILL NOT STOP AN ABUSIVE WOMAN PUNCHING HIS WIFE.

    The one most important thing that ANYONE who is trying to help somebody who is being abused should know is this –

    Abusers ENJOY being abusers. They do not want to let go of their victims. This is why they do all they can to hide the abuse from anyone who could stop it. This is why they make their victims out to be liars, or mad. This is why they want nobody to believe their victims. Put simply, abuse cannot occur without a chosen victim. ABUSERS KNOW THAT.

  7. By: Carlos Posted: 2nd February

    I have always let my abusers get their way, which therefore has led for the content written in this article to completely resonate with me. Now for the story: love my younger sister even if I hate the fact that she’s entertained my father’s favouritism, which has sometimes led for words like: “Kuya (which means older brother in the Filipino language) I am better than you” and or “I can do this, you can’t”. Then when I react she’s like: “Just joking, why are you so hostile?” Whilst I admit that she’s brainier and a lot more talented, that doesn’t mean that I paid someone to do my essays in high school or University. I still managed to get credit, regardless of how terribly composed some of my efforts were (*Breaths* Alright drama over). Regardless of all that, we have a great relationship, which has occasionally allowed me to be able to reveal the true colours of our father and maternal grandmother to her (which thankfully she didn’t tell me to just suck up and be a man for). Because of my experiences from those two, I felt obligated and pressured to see to it that my sister won’t ever face the same wrath and fury. Boy did I fail myself in fulfilling that duty guys.

    Never did I think that my father can distribute the same amount of pain to someone who he favours over me. Anyway the story: 2013 or 2014 Grandma became addicted to Facebook (ever since we have mistakenly decided to create an account for her). Her addiction to the ego boosters of “Likes”, “Comments” and “Shares” have led her to be more conscious about her seemingly fat body, thinking that her figure won’t result in more likes, comments and shares from her many “fans”. So she decided to enrol in a gym to start losing weight (which honestly to me hasn’t even produced or yet to produce a single result for her) and okay here come the flood of comments on FB like “Omg 64 with a 20 yr old body” (Okay that wasn’t really said, but you get the drill there were comments about how proud they were of her for having the initiative and the drive to commit to a fitness program in our local gym).

    Now for where I failed as an older brother to my younger sister: As my grandma was finally starting to look “sexy”, her self-righteous narcissistic attitude has skyrocketed up to a whole other dimension. Before I cut to the chase, I to have subscribed to a gym program to which has produced some results (Though I am still awaiting my 6-8pack abs and toned arms). However I have never told any fat friend of mine or family member the words: “Haha I am losing weight, which means you are not!” (Okay maybe once I told my sister that but our relationship was the kind where we can just tell each other to shut up before the much awaited kiss and make up) Can you guess what’s about to happen next? MY SISTER BECAME THE TARGET OF MY GRANDMOTHER

    One time, Mom, Dad, sis and I were at the dining table (occurred during 2013) enjoying a nice meal for dinner, when my “strikingly gorgeous” grandmother just walked in from her gym session or wherever the hell she came from. *Trumpet roll* My grandma, who casually stood alongside the kitchen bench, waiting for the kettle to boil for her coffee, decided to eye on my sister and said “Omg look at her, still fat and miserable not even getting an ounce of exercise, whilst here I am looking great.” As the tears flowed down my sister’s face, my heart shattered (history repeating itself right before my eyes and what sucks is I couldn’t do anything for her). My Mom could have easily put my grandma in her right place (But that’s her mother so I guess I’d let it slide). Then my father of whom I thought would rescue his favourite child just allowed my sister to cry during dinner and even managed to sneak in a casual conversation composed of: “So my daughter, it’s your final two years of high school, what subjects have you chosen to pursue, that will be of use for your dream degree at University.” My sister, still crying, named her subjects, but I can tell that the damage was just to harmful for her, that if she decided not to comply, she would probably cop more abuse if she reacts even more. I found out last year that my Dad actually confronted grandma dearest about this. Did he really? Honestly I don’t even know anymore and nor should I care. But regardless they have both forever scarred my sister and the sad thing is, I was also a contributor to that scar for not protecting her from the same experiences I have encountered from those two. There folks, I failed myself and my sister so badly. I, just as the article title suggests, have let the perpetrators get away with what they have done, letting them live an apple pie life of which they so don’t even deserve.

    Did I mention that my Dad has started to have the drive to lose weight to? Oh yeah he has started drinking lemon water, which has apparently resulted in him going down a few shirt sizes. Oh instead of taking the elevator to work he takes the stairs, very good! I have in the present, maintained my weight and figure and have not returned to my original weight (From 115kg to 83ish) and my Dad from time to time has gone up to me and say: “I am even fatter than you son” (Truer words have never been spoken Dad, oh oops sorry I shouldn’t have said that!) But the time where I really felt the lack of sincerity in those words was this recent situation. My Dad gave me some of his size 46 shirts, because he apparently doesn’t fit them anymore or he feels entitled to wear 44. As a slight retaliation, I was like so you are suggesting something since I you’re giving me these? But to save face, he was like uh no it’s just height difference or whatever. I am fatter than you anyway son, so take these size 46 shirts. They may come in handy for your next interview, he says. (Whatever you condescending prick).

    As my therapy for situations like these, I occasionally call my grandmother fat now (I know I shouldn’t have right) or I juice out all the lemons before Dad could even drink his sorry excuse of a beverage for exercise. Immature yes, but they’re just brushing it off anyway so yeah.

  8. By: Moon Girl Posted: 23rd January

    I always believe the accuser. I know first had the crap they tell to make you believe it was your fault.

  9. By: Light Posted: 8th January

    Hi Yvonne,

    Anyone who announces that they might come live with you sounds very entitled and aggressive. Does he have trouble with authority figures/the police/etc.? Has he or your mom crossed physical boundaries like coming into your home uninvited, taking your possessions, etc.?

    I’ve been reading about narcissists, and for some narcissists they are fed by creating upset in their targets. This sounds like what you are describing when you say ” I think that he wants to purposely upset me so I choose to ignore him.”

    For you or anyone, here is a GREAT detailed list of characteristics of a narcissist. I don’t think it necessarily has to be a mother:

    When they create chaos it makes them feel better to be on top, in control, and that they “win”. From what I understand it has to do with profound shame and low self-esteem.

  10. By: Yvonne Posted: 8th January

    Hi Light,

    Yes, I understand. I am sorry for what this country has become with numerous true horror stories online. My situation now is that I am job searching and my money is tight. My name is on the house title and not his name! I have lived in my house for five years without problems from him.

    There are differences between laws for trespassing versus squatter’s rights. If someone tries to break a window or door, etc. and force themself into the house to live then it’s called trespassing and a crime. If the homeowner can call the police immediately they can be removed. A squatter can invite themself into the house with a key or an open window. Sometimes there are scams involving renters moving into foreclosed homes. You can call the police and report them. There have been stories where the homeowner has hired an attorney to take these squatters to court for eviction. I will save his emails and print them for evidence. I may go directly to the police department first if he is still threatening me like this in July. I have evidence including the copy of my house title, HOA statements, and drivers license.

    What I don’t understand is why this SOB cannot leave me alone? I could complain and go back to my Narc mom with this email but she defends the Narc cousin golden child. He is always the hero and it’s my fault for not understanding or liking him. Translation: they are both the same type. I really don’t want him to move to my city in the future but I can’t control everything about him. I am concerned that he may just come over to my house anytime and bang on the door when I have company visiting. He just wants to harass and attack me. Sadly, his daughter lives with her mother in a small town in my state. I can take future legal action like getting a restraining order on him at work.

    I read that there are legal papers that you can file. They say NEVER physically try to harm a squatter. There are times when a squatter can have an eviction forced by a sheriff and if they won’t go peacefully then it’s jail for them. Hahaha…..LOL! So, no he can’t win and it would not be good with a police record when you’re going to to school and looking for jobs in a new town.

    For the record, I did nothing to provoke him in the past, not one bit, when he first moved into my parent’s house when I was a teenager–(I’m five years older than him). He took one look at me and instantly hated me since I am the biological daughter of my parents and I was there first. I do not communicate with him at all. I do not call him or send him a Christmas card. I don’t reply back to his nasty and controlling emails. I think that he wants to purposely upset me so I choose to ignore him.

    What do you think of him? Is he really aggressive or just plain dumb or both? I take back my power when I ignore him. I think that he wants a good fight and I won’t give it to him.

    I am not worrying about this and refuse to lose any sleep over him. I will visualize a positive outcome. Thanks for any support in advance.

    Yvonne 🙂

  11. By: Light Posted: 8th January


    That takes some nerve!!! He didn’t even ask you, he told you. He sounds very aggressive. If I were in your shoes, I would consider going to the police dept. before anything ever happens – perhaps just sit down and talk with the police and ask what they suggest and what the laws are. Then there would be something reported as a concern before anything happens. There may very well be squatter’s rights, etc.

  12. By: Light Posted: 8th January

    Nikki post 132 – Yes!!! My sister will bully me in a covert way, and my mother will go along with it. It’s all very subtle yet powerful. For example, my sister will do something excluding (like not giving me information about a family visit so I won’t know it’s happening)and when my mother finds this out she says that “it was a confusing time” and “I can’t believe she would do that on purpose”.

    This makes me so angry! If I bring it up, sister will deny and mother will say she doesn’t want to discuss it any more. I have disengaged with my mother and am pulling back from my sister. Very dysfunctional and the only way to deal with this is to leave.

  13. By: Yvonne Posted: 7th January

    Hi Darlene and All,

    I don’t know where to begin but I am having more issues with the adopted Narc cousin. I know that I touched upon this before but he never quits! The Narc cousin enjoys sending emails to me regarding my elderly Narc mom. He is trying to take control of everything like my parent’s house listed for sale (for sale by owner).

    His most recent email is again scary and unbelievable. He wrote that he will be retired from the military after 20 years of service. He is planning to move to my city and look for jobs. But get this—he may attend a real estate school in my city. Then he wrote that he may want to actually move into my house in July to live while he is attending this school! Unbelievable! I can’t believe how bold and nasty and controlling this SOB jerk really is! Well, this is NOT happening!

    My name is on the house title and I also live in a model home community and the HOA also has the homeowner listed in their records. Their is no way in heck that this idiot can just move in with me because he feels like it! I don’t know what is wrong with him. He claims that he would be gone for most of the day. He did not mention paying any rent but I would not have him living in my house for a million dollars!

    The question is what does this idiot Narc cousin want and why can’t he leave me alone for one second. He knows that we don’t like each other or get along. What does he want? Does he want to torment me? Does he want to steal my important papers? Does he want to rife through my cherished memories and steal items? Is he trying to lie and take over my house by the retarded laws like squatters’ rights? He is NOT that poor and can rent a motel room. I don’t trust him for one minute.

    When my father died in the hospital last year, the first thing that the medical staff did was to throw away his pants (with wallet and keys in pockets) and clothing. This was actually good since there was a copy of my house key with the other keys together. So, now my mom and cousin cannot just come over to my house to snoop around without a key to enter. I do not visit my Narc mom’s house in the other smaller town (about 2 1/2 hour drive from my house). The Narc mom and cousin still talk about wanting to come over and visit me. Why?

    The Narc cousin will NEVER live in my house. I really don’t know if this is a serious idea or another threat to rattle my cage. I am not sending him an angry email reply back because it will go back to my Narc mom and create more fighting. I can argue the fact that since I’m female that I do not want a male roommate living in my house.
    If this SOB cousin ever tried to just move into my house with all of his belongings, then I would call the police when he is here and have him arrested or thrown out. I could wave my house title in their faces and have the HOA from my home community on my side, too. It’s not too swift to have a police record in a new town when you’re seeking a new job and place.

    Of course the ultimate weapon that I can have is renting out the bedroom to a new female roommate. It’s almost as if this Narc cousin views me as an easy target since I live alone. I sincerely wish that I had a romantic man relationship living together (or soon to be living together) who could move into my house.

    I am not totally sure what will happen in the future. My Narc mom just turned 83 years old and she is not in the best of health. I have NO love for any of my family members. It was a shame that my father died first and when he died so did the last traces of any decency whatsoever. I am NOT afraid of my Narc cousin and mom in a physical sense. I am concerned about them trying to control me or take over my affairs in a business sense. If I had to call the police I would. It would be good to embarrass him and teach him a lesson.

    I know that I have mentioned many times here on this site that I am a very metaphysical person (Druid/Wicca) and involved in all positive divination, alternative healing, and magic. I have had a couple of recent psychic readings with gifted readers and they both say independently that my mom will die soon like in 2016 and her house will sell about the same time. She could go soon before the hot summer months. Then I would have to deal with my Narc cousin and woman lawyer in the other town to settle my parent’s business affairs. I know that the Narc cousin would love to take over and steal everything but I know that he can’t the way things have been set up.

    I think that the Narc cousin views me as being “easy” or “dumb”. He has no respect for education (I have a BA Degree) and erroneously believes that I am “shy” and cannot defend myself. He thinks that I have no common sense or street smarts, but only academic, like I was over-sheltered growing up. He believes that I have no friends and have not had any serious male relationships. I am not worried about him threatening to move into my house in July! It just won’t happen but I am amazed by his insane control issue ideas! If my crazy Narc mom insists that this is a wonderful idea, I guess that I will nod my head and kind of pretend to agree to it.

    Do you think that the Narc cousin really wants to go to jail by moving into my house? It seems as if these Narcs push so hard that hopefully they screw themselves in the end. It’s kind of like stories about these arrogant Narc criminals who believe that they will never get caught since they are so clever and above everyone else.

    I am just so tired of it all. The Narc cousin just wants to destroy me until the very end of my Narc mom’s death and then some. I am open to all suggestions and help here. Thanks for reading.

    Blessed Be,

    Yvonne 🙂

  14. By: headedoffabridge Posted: 30th December

    My step dad is the perpetrator, he targets males sexually
    and has had me sexually assaulted and raped by 5 different men . I wont go down without a fight . Right is right and wrong is unacceptable … Everyone believes and thinks I’m not well mentally yeah well go through all that battery in 1 year you’d be a little off your game too. I want to speak for those who had no choice and his future targets I have lived with the fraud for 12 yrs. I cannot just sit and protect him while he’s. Forming A crazy mob to protect himself and his secrets

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 2nd January

      Hi “headedoffabridge”
      Welcome to Emerging from broken. I am sure that you will find lots of information and insight here in this website that will comfort you. Thanks for sharing,
      Hugs, Darlene

      Hi Sara,
      Welcome to Emerging from Broken.
      Yes, exactly. Thanks you for sharing,
      hugs, Darlene

  15. By: KateE Posted: 25th December

    I want to wish everyone here a “Merry Christmas”, no matter how or whom you wish to spend it with. There is so much to be grateful, I know that I can’t change others as that is out of my hands and goes for my family members as well, but I can change what I do for myself and how happy I choose to be and that is the greatest gift I can ever give to myself! For me, no more wallowing in self-pity, I always have a choice to make my life better. I cannot change the past and the past needs to stay the past as it doesn’t serve me. But each new day awaits and I have the power to make it whatever I choose it to be. I can smile and be happy because no one can do it for me. It has taken a long time and a heavy load to realize that the more I focus I what I lost or didn’t get from my family the more happiness I lose for myself and quite frankly that is not an option. Did the hurt go away overnight, no it did not, but in coming to terms with all of it was freedom and peace and there is nothing better than that. So today, on Christmas I spent it with my family many whom have hurt me to my core and yes I enjoyed the day as I chose to, for me. We still have small children in my family and I truly enjoyed them today. I can’t change the one’s who didn’t speak to me but I realized how far I came today as it didn’t bother me at all, I never got upset and retreated to a different room, no, I never lost my peace and truly enjoyed today regardless of how other’s treated me as my choice was to enjoy myself and I did just that.

  16. By: Nikki Posted: 21st December

    Worst is when it’s a sibling who is the perpetrator and your own mother not only witnesses it but years later when you come out about it in hopes to find some type of repair…she not only denies it happens but disowns you and continues a relationship w my sibling who abused me.

  17. By: maria binnie Posted: 12th December

    re Hobie’s comment ‘the whole world is nuts’ yes it feels like that to me too, for example there is a sign before the toll bridge reading ‘YOU HAVE COMMITTED an offence if toll charge is not paid by 3 days….’ the toll charge is $2
    that sign sticks in my mind as a world not making sense the threat of having committed an offence for not paying $2 bridge toll by 3 days compared to when reporting child abuse the uphill battle the victim has to go through to get action to protect children against abusers. I made complaint to child protecton 3 times coming in through their complaints department a fourth time and on followup last week taking time off work to go in to follow up my report of concern only to find that they had deemed the report as not having evidence so it was closed, I asked what evidence they had received the employee looked at what i had and said well we didn’t have all this information i said well good now you have it, she said i can’t accept it sorry as the case has been closed it it has to come in through the main centre as a new notification of concern you are doing the right thing but you need to do another report of concern!!!. go figure!!! Yep the whole world is nuts its upside down to how it should be. I’ve resorted into contacting members of my abusers community via social media telling them so they know the facts so they don’t leave their children with the one who abused me. Social media is an option but hard to measure its effectiveness as society in general lacks courage to say thank you for the warning. meanwhile ive probably committed an offence having forgotten to pay my $2 road toll,,,,,

  18. By: DXSMac Posted: 12th December

    basically saying that unless I be the person they want me to be I am outcast from the family

    At least your parents ADMIT it. My mom won’t even admit this is what she wants. She says she “Just wants me to be HAP-PEEEEE” but what she won’t admit is she wants me to be like HER!

    My mom never says what she mans, nor does she mean what she says. Except a long time ago on a phone conversation, she blurted out, “I don’t care one IOTA about YOUR feelings.” I got this after forcing a “Law and Order SVU Interrogation” thing. Mom will never ever get to unring this bell….

    It also made me think about my pet peeve related to certain self-help books. What I don’t like about some of them is that they focus more on anecdotes than practical solutions.

    Oh man, thank you for saying this! I sort of noticed this, but didn’t get the “AHA” moment until you SAID it.

    S1998, regarding your seatbelt comment….. Technically you are correct. But I will refute your statement and say, “It’s not always about the seatbelt.” During my youth, I have had three car accidents, all three my fault, I was NOT wearing seat belts, and I should have been hurt or died, and I walked from them. Fortunately, no one else was hurt either. All I can say is the “angels” wanted me alive and walking for some reason……

  19. By: DXSMac Posted: 12th December

    Missourikid identified herself as a mother, and mentioned “Boundaries.” Ok, got me thinking……

    Apparently, my mom’d “boundaries” about what “respect” is far different than my “boundaries.” To her, “Respect” seems to mean, “always say yes, never say no, and always agree with her.”

    This violates my boundaries. Thus, I cannot have a good relationship with her. Her “definition” is warped, and her “Boundaries” make ME the bad person.

    I have only read one post from Missourikid,haven’t read others, so I may be wrong in a projection here, but I’m guessing Missourikid wants to understand (unlike MY mom….)

    Ok, what do you do when “boundaries” keep both parties out? I think my mom is warped and has some “entitlement” mentality about respect, yet she thinks I’m the bad person…..

  20. By: Shelly Posted: 11th December


    I wrote this comment this morning but accidentally sent it just to Darlene…

    I just got this update and had to respond right away to let you know you’re not alone in feeling the internal struggle of knowing what’s best for you but maybe still hoping for that “normalcy”. I do the same thing on occasion. But I always find the “thinking” about it even brings me nothing but anxiety/turmoil so staying in the loop would be even worse and back to the same old cycle. I would love nothing more than for my narc mom & sister to just take their share of responsibility in the relationship but because they are narcs I know that will never happen. I just do my best to really take a step back and remember how far I’ve come and how much healthier I am. Although I might always long for that normal relationship with a loving mom & sister…they would have to want the same thing and they’ve made it very clear they don’t, unless it is on their terms. Very sad for them truly, a sad way to live. I hope you find some comfort in knowing that no…you are not an idiot or alone for craving something that should be a normal part of parent/child relationships. Hugs and prayers to you and stay strong! And…you are in no way responsible for her health…we are all responsible for our own health!!

    Also…I looked back at something that Darlene said to me when I first found Emerging from Broken that had really made sense to me. She said…”The hard part in recovery is getting the logic to match up with the emotional but it can happen.” Don’t be too hard on yourself…it’s a process!

  21. By: Missourikid Posted: 11th December

    As a mother who did everything right – took care of her children etc. it took one maladjusted husband to begin the process of PAS – I never realised it.
    My daughter and son are no longer in my life. They are models of their narcissistic sociopath father. I did nothing to deserve either his treatment or their treatment. When I put up the boundaries – I was told I was awful, not a good parent and self-centred, delusional, crazy and expected to be at their whim.
    Let’s face it – for those who have been good parents – our kids have turned out rotten, and we are not to blame. I no longer read about all the excuses given ‘why’ they as Adults are not responsible for their actions. Phooney. They certainly have reasoning ability and know what is right and wrong – even if they try to forget what is in their heart and not their mind. I am fed up with excuses from those who never been there and those who feel that the alienated parent is responsible. That is simply no true. PAS adults are responsible. They are responsible for their actions, misdeeds and the burdens they so call blame everyone for. I am sick of hearing ‘shut them out but not permanently.’ No matter how it hurts me, they have no goodness and no love. Why would I want them around me or in my life. They will add misery, unhappiness and a constant reminder of ‘what I did wrong’ but dare I mention their bad behaviours and treatment of me – they don’t want to know. It’s about time someone writes a book on the selfishness of Adult PAS people – they are responsible after the age of 18 for their own actions.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 11th December

      Hi Missourikid
      It is really horrible when one parent successfully throws the other parent under the bus. I totally understand that. That isn’t really what this blog is about though.
      I also want to mention that kids who are raised in this kind of dysfunction don’t simply become able to make the greatest choices just because they turn 18. Although it may not be you that was the primary abuser, there WAS an abuser who has modelled this type of relationship style to them.
      Thanks for sharing. hugs, Darlene

  22. By: jojo Posted: 11th December

    Thank you Andria and Darlene, your words mean so much in a sea of how did it get to this? I know I have made the right choice but its sad to be consistently rejected by the people who should be your protectors in the world. I have no children partly as I didnt/ dont (not sure if its because of what we went through as kids) want them but I have four beautiful nephews through my husbands side of my family and a fantastic sister in law and I know I’m lucky. I look at these energetic fun and beautiful kids and I cant imagine not having them in my life but more importantly I cant imagine ever hurting them which makes the whole situation with my family of origin so much more acute as they clearly dont give a damn. I feel very blessed to be a part of the efb community what Darlene has created is a miracle and I thank you more than you will ever know for this. Thank you xxx

  23. By: Andria Posted: 11th December


    No need to give any apologies. There are so many on Darlene’s site that experience nearly the same experience you describe: myself being one of them. Your post is not off topic. It is exactly on topic.

    You are not stupid. You get caught up in this crazy cycle of wanting to be left alone by your family, but then wanting to be in the loop like everyone else. Don’t blame yourself for not wanting to be the scapegoat anymore. I always got the wrath of my sister and mother. My dad was the passive aggressive abuser. My mother has been dead since 1999, but the dynamic in the family is like she never died. When I decided I was not going to be the scapegoat anymore that is when the attacks and the abuse got ramped up. I am NC with my sister and her family and my father.

    It is hard to just forget about these people because you have so much history with them and it is not a good history. It is sad not to be in a normal family, but I had to accept that if I wanted my self esteem and mental health I had to cut loose of these people. Once you begin to recognize what is happening and what they are doing to you; you begin to have an intolerance to this type of treatment from anyone.

    It sucks big time jojo, but I can never forget about my family either. As time goes on, you get used to the fact that these people don’t care about me and never cared about me. I’m not saying that it does not hurt big time, but be gentle with yourself and feel the grief because it is a grieving process, and the process may not happen quick enough for you but things will get better with time. This is still a very fresh wound for you. You may have good days and bad days. This is normal. It is kind of like a divorce which I have heard said is like a death. The real bad thing about it is that you were rejected by the family which should be a haven of safety. It is an ultimate betrayal.

    I hope you have a good weekend. Try not to beat yourself up for things you think you should have done or should not have done. In my case, I believe things are finally right in my life. If people cannot treat you with decency they truly do not have a place in your life.

  24. By: jojo Posted: 11th December

    Sorry to share and I know its off topic but I have to write this as its circling in my head and its sending me mad, I decided to go no contact with my narcissistic mother earlier this year because the lying and backstabbing were just to much and it was sending me to a horrible dark depression, as a result my father (still married to mother) decided to send me nasty text messages basically saying that unless I be the person they want me to be I am outcast from the family they havent bothered to contact me since. Moving on to this week I recieve a christmas card from aunty (my mothers sister) she always writes a catch up with whats happening in the family its a nice gesture. Anyway she writes that my mother had a health scare earlier in the year and has lost lots of weight, of course I’m then thinking whats wrong, as nobody has bothered to tell me so I call my aunty and we have a nice chat and she tells me my mother was hospitalised due to high blood pressure and stress (no doubt caused by my complete inability to be the family scapegoat anymore) now I feel upset that I wasnt kept in the loop which is stupid really as I did walk away and sad that I can’t have a family who are normal or at least more normal than they are. I know you may all think what an idiot I am but it sucks I wish I could forget about these people as they have been truly horrible to me and were never there for me as a kid through to now but I cant, sorry but thank you all for listening.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 11th December

      Hi Jojo
      No need to apologize for making a decision that is right for YOU. If you think about the reason you had to make this decision, and the truth about what happened as you have explained in your comment, is it really YOU that walked away? just some food for thought.
      hugs and thanks for sharing. hang in there!

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