Oct
31

How Abusers and Perpetrators Get Away With It

By
470

unnamedWhat if I told you that there is a predator in the survivor community posing as an advocate for survivors of child sexual abuse. What if I told you that he has a large following, is well respected, has been interviewed many times and has even been on television. What if I also told you that the evidence against him goes back several years. What if I said that 11 women have come forward with very similar stories of sexual harassment, bullying, blackmail, shaming, and threats.

Would you believe me? I am guessing you would believe me. Most people who follow me, read my work, buy my book and share my posts believe me when I write about my childhood, my mother, my upbringing, my parents and the ways that I was regarded and disregarded, all of which communicated to me that I was not as lovable or as valuable as the people mistreating and disrespecting me were.

But what if you were a friend of my family? What if you realized that I was talking about someone you knew that had been the one doing this stuff to me? What if it was your pastor, your teacher or your coach that had been messing with me? What if it was your aunt, your cousin or your brother in law? How would you react then?

This survivor advocate that I am talking about today is very skilled in grooming his victims to be afraid to tell on him. He is just like any other manipulative controller or abuser who knows that he has to find a way to keep his victims quiet. His pattern is very similar with each of the women he has targeted. He gains their trust, he finds or creates something that he can use against them and when the victim objects, or realizes that he is an abuser, he uses threats, guilt and calls them all sorts of horrible names defining his victims as the problem, taking them back to the helpless childhood they are trying so hard to emerge from and keeping them in the web of fear.

How do you feel about this? What if I told you his name? And what if he was your friend? What if you have had discussions with him and found him to be ‘so nice’ and ‘knowledgeable’ and so “helpful”. What if you had nothing but respect for this guy. What would your reaction be then?

In the general survivor community, a huge part of advocacy work has to do with people encouraging victims to come forward and tell their story. The problem is that so many come forward and are called liars.

I posted a warning on my personal Facebook page this week about a man who is a well known advocate for child sexual abuse survivors. I personally was not friends with him but we had over 180 friends in common. I posted a warning based on the evidence that had been shown to me, most of which is not public due to the FEAR the victims have of him, and I was attacked. I was shamed. I was told that I could be ruining this mans life with my accusations. When I said that there was a magnitude of evidence, someone commented that it is easy for people to create fake email or Facebook accounts and impersonate the perpetrator. That is how important it was to her to discredit the victims and discount the evidence! This was a fellow survivor of sexual abuse AND an advocate for survivors healing from abuse!

People demanded names of these victims. Two of the victims allowed their names to be public and they were shamed so much that one of his victims had to shut her Facebook account down due to the amount of hate mail she was getting. She had proof, she had text messages and emails. And she wasn’t the only one that had proof.

I was reprimanded, guilt tripped and shamed, but mostly (and possibly the most concerning) I was ignored. I had very little impact. On my personal Facebook page – I am not referring to the Emerging From Broken Fan Page which has 84,700 followers – but on my Personal Page I have 1700 friends and 1300 followers. And I was pretty much ignored. When I posted about my eye injury, I over 1000 likes and over 300 comments, but when I post a warning about a perpetrator in our midst, I was ignored. I suspect that most people didn’t want to get involved. And yet, my only purpose ON Facebook is to empower people to heal from the pain that has imprisoned them and to validate that abuse really does happen and that healing is possible.

I am pretty happy today that I don’t tell everyone that healing depends on being believed.

All the encouragement that these same people spout off about “telling” and reporting the abuser, and all the shaming and responsibility that is put on people who “know about the abuse” but don’t come forward and this was the result. The same people who say “just tell” and “stop abuse” are shaming the people that ARE telling and the people supporting them.

I have experienced an amazing range of feelings over this; I felt my hope slipping away. I felt powerless; I wondered if I was actually hurting the perpetrator, I wondered if I should just “mind my own business”. I questioned my purpose for doing this kind of work. But bigger than all those feelings, I remembered all the times that I was called a liar, exaggerator, and that I had ‘misunderstood’ the situation and how helpless I felt. I remembered that feeling of being alone because no one would help me. I remembered the fear of tomorrow because my survival was all up to me. And I remembered that because I was the one that people judged as was liar, the perpetrator of the abuse was empowered to keep abusing. He got a free pass. He got to abuse again and again. I was imprisoned and he went free.

And that is what is happening to the victims of this online perpetrator. People are supporting HIM. The victims are once again alone, shamed, unsupported and disbelieved. No wonder victims are afraid to come forward. Think about it.

I am an expert on emotional healing. Since most of us have never been empowered to think for ourselves or to have a choice I don’t encourage people to do anything that they are not ready to do. I find that is the most empowering stance to take. Therefore, although the solution when it comes to healing doesn’t depend on victims reporting abusers I am very against abuse and I am passionate about doing whatever I can to expose it.

If you suspect that you have been harassed or abused by an advocate for abuse in the survivor community, please contact me through the contact form here, at the button above, and I will put you in touch with the people who are heading up this investigation.

Will you share this post? Will you comment in support of this ongoing investigation for the victims? Do you need ‘proof’ or can you believe that I have seen the proof and that I respect the victims rights NOT to risk the persecution that so often comes with exposing the truth about abusers. Please help me. 

Exposing Truth,

Darlene Ouimet

Related post by Christina Enevoldsen on Overcoming Sexual Abuse ~ Christina shares some of the comments posted by fellow survivors in her new post “What’s Inappropriate About Exposing Abuse?”

The Emerging from Broken bookThe Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing” is ready for download! If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, get this book today! This 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to healing.  Get yours here through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

Categories : Survival

148 Comments

1

So sorry Darlene I didn’t see your post exposing this abuser I do follow your personal page. I would have commented and will niw go and do so. I wish to say that I have the same response when I warn those in my abusers community about the abuser they are leaving their children with some of them. They don’t believe me I guess as get no response and they are still her Facebook friends. I even have evidence in my father’s own words about what my mother usesd to do in front of us. I recorded my father saying about the odd behaviour my mother often did in front if us. It’s prob not enough evidence for a court room but I sent this recording to those that may be leaving their children with my mother. I know some of them are giving my mother sole care if their child. I’ve reported to child protection. The thing is the 1st time years back when I reported this stuff my mother then reported me as an elder abuser. Cause I kept tx her but I wasn’t abusive I was pleading I was upset she would not even meet with me. So my parents tell everyone that I’m listed with police as an elder abuser and say I’m delusional with memory syndrome. So I don’t even kn9w if they listen to the recording. Accident compensation have been recommended by my therapist that I need 2 more years of support services for the mental injury I have from what my mother did. Yet child protection can’t see past the report if me supposedly being an elder abuser I don’t think they are even contacting those that are leaving their child with my mother. It’s even harder to get attention to this because ‘mothers don’t do these things thinking mentality yet it’s clear when if it’s a man abuser still we are told abuse is wrong speak up then we are ignored shamed made to feel bad and loose often whole family for speaking out. We are further damaged. Thank you for being our crusader. Thank you for trying to help us those of us and children everywhere right n8w at risk.

2

Hi Maria,
Thank you for sharing this! Yes, your example is exactly how it works. If they can discredit you ~ they win. And it’s so horrible. I really appreciate you for sharing.
p.s. about the post on my page, I was not trying to make people that follow my page feel bad. Of course a lot of people would have missed the post; I was just trying to show an example of how sometimes uncomfortable things are ignored. No worries!
hugs, Darlene

3

Darlene, you have my support as do the women who have come forward. It is such a classic example of abuser/victim/community cycle of psychological manipulation, it is pretty much astounding that so many survivors cannot bring themselves to recognize this pattern, or even look at the evidence. One thing I will say is that I understand the psychology of the denial, the cognitive dissonance, because as survivors, we have this notion that because we are ‘aware’ and are out there spreading ‘awareness’, we can no longer be fooled. It goes to show you that it is wise to always listen to that inner voice that tells you when something is not right, when someone is too nice, when someone is too eager to get into your history or your head, when boundaries are chipped away slowly and methodically. And just because it isn’t happening to you doesn’t mean it isn’t happening to someone else. Sociopaths are good at what they do, we best not be naive and think that they are not in our community. It is one of the best places to be a predator and get away with it.

My heart goes out to all those who have been hurt, and I hope that you can find some measure of comfort in knowing there are some of us out here who believe you.

Carla

4

Hi Darlene… I’m also sorry I missed your post. But THIS one I’ll share… Maybe you remember where I came from, we even told & no one would believe… So we stopped telling & somehow survived, on the surface anyway. I can’t find the post on your wall regarding the POS whos damaging souls while looking like an innocent person. Anyway, carry on my friend… The world needs more of people like YOU!!! ????

5

I did not see your post. What was/is the date you posted it. I want to read it too. I will continue to be an advocate for abused victims and train as many as possible in prevention. D2L Take care and God Bless you my friend.

6

Hi

So much truth in here.
I also try to raise awareness in my local community about a specific offender who is now even on probation. But people don’t want to ‘touch’ the subject. Apparently it is easier to believe that the victim/s made it up than that this well respected guy could have possibly done this ‘unmentionable’ thing. And ‘hasn’t him and his family not been through enough’.
#ibelieveyou

Stand for the truth, stand by the victim. NO. MATTER. WHAT.

7

I understand why people don’t tell. The risk of further damage is real. Until society becomes aware that it is their attitude lack of back up lack of belief lack of speaking out in support and outrage at what has happened abuse will carry on because the fact is abusers can still get away with this because of community attitude that they have not even heard what we are saying that its not their problem that it is ok to dismiss this what is being said as not even worthy of a response back. It is not just the responsibility of government agencies and police, it is a commmunity responsibility

8

Such a terrible situation. I’ve been wondering about false accusations and the complications they create, which are then used to discredit true accusations in other situations. Everyone decent wants to protect their children from abuse, but I believe I’ve seen parents who “use” their children as excuses to be paranoid and yell at everyone. Me personally, I have mentioned before how a younger person who was dumped on me for babysitting many times over the years (which I now realize my parents should not have allowed, but if anything they encouraged it), later turned on me after her mother (I believe) became insecure because her daughter bonded with me over art. I don’t know what her mother said about me, but it must have been “good.”

Well, I take that back; I know one thing she said because she told my Mom: “She doesn’t have any friends.” No; I didn’t have a large social circle, because I was slowly shedding people who made me feel awful. Obviously, that made me a horrible person. I spent a lot of time trying to think of what I could have done to make the mother so upset with me, was it something I said … but in the end, I don’t believe it had anything to do with me, except that I eventually refused to let her yell at me because she had a bad marriage and wanted to take it out on someone soft-spoken and vulnerable.

9

I have been following some of the Facebook activity around the person you refer to – so devious and manipulative, but still, somehow, he is able to deceive. So frustrating!

A few years ago we discovered a person who was secretly emotionally and psychologically abusing others in a church situation and causing a lot of harm. We reported it through the ‘proper channels’ several times over a 12 month period because this person was in the process of being trained for a role in ministry! But because the type of abuse wasn’t illegal (i.e. not physical or sexual) there seemed little those in authority seemed to be able to do, particularly as she would have been prepared to take legal action on perceived discrimination grounds had the powers that be attempted to stop her. The situation was resolved in this case because she died before her appointment could be made…! But I well remember the sheer frustration of seeing her get away with further abuse and about to be enabled to do even more harm.

How much more frustrating and painful, then, to watch someone posing as an advocate behaving in this way and apparently getting away with it. I have nothing but respect for all those who are active in exposing him and others like him who prey on the vulnerable like this. And as for the victims who have gone public – how courageous is that? My heart goes out to them and to all who have suffered for standing up to him and doing their best to stop him.

It can never be easy to expose an abuser, particularly if it’s someone one has known and maybe even trusted, and even more difficult for the victims – as you say, there is so much fear and pain involved there amongst all the other issues. Yet somehow these abusers must be exposed if they are to be stopped, and those who have the courage to take action need whatever support we can give them, and not further abuse!
Thank you so much for all you are doing in this area, Darlene. I guess being strong can be tough sometimes!

10

Hi Carla
I know what you are talking about! ~ I have been fooled even in the last few years! I keep reminding myself that when someone deceives me, it is about them and not about me. And it isn’t just sociopaths that are good at what they do, all abusers are good at what they do and at getting what they want. Most of them learned it at the hands of a perpetrator. 🙁 The thing that bugs me about this situation is that people are standing up for him when there is so much evidence ~ but people stood up for Sandusky and for Bill Cosby too. And whole families will reject one kid when they tell, even if the same thing happened to them by the same perp! Sad world we live in but I am still passionate about healing! That’s why I do what I do!
Hugs, Darlene

11

Hi Debbie
I do remember your story. It was one of the first I ever heard about horrific child abuse! Amazing how we survive isn’t it!
hugs, Darlene

Hi Gerda
Yay for continuing to advocate for abuse victims.
hugs, Darlene

12

Hi Rachel,
Welcome ~ isn’t is sad that people don’t want to protect each other. This is exactly how these perps get away with it. They count on the people that don’t want to know.. ugg.
Hugs, Darlene

13

Hi Tripleguess
I think that people make snap decisions without thinking. And they make them without thinking because most people in dysfunctional families have never been empowered to think for themselves or they have learned there are serious consequences (such as rejection) if they DO think for themselves. It’s so often all about something we would never realize.
Thanks for sharing
hugs, Darlene

Hi Sue
yes, it is so frustrating! I am not an advocate of everyone jumping on the band wagon and forming a lynch mob without evidence and investigation, however I don’t think it is right when people decide in favour of the abuser / advocate/ famous actor, pastor/ priest/ etc. without even considering the victim either. There are 11 that have come forward after all. Oh and not to mention all the other red flags! Many people have come forward saying he asked them for money and when they said no he blocked them. And others who were blocked for not writing a letter of support when he was being investigated by child protective services! If we look at the whole picture, something isn’t right here!
Hugs, Darlene

14

“… however I don’t think it is right when people decide in favour of the abuser / advocate/ famous actor, pastor/ priest/ etc. without even considering the victim either.”

But what if there was no victim of the alleged abuses even though they were victims of exploitation? The Michael Jackson cases were famous for that. The boys he befriended were used as pawns by their greedy (and possibly jealous) parents to accuse him of something he didn’t do so they could milk money from him.

Telling children to say they were abused when they weren’t as a way vilify someone is abuse, too. It’s so sad that Michael had to die to finally get some peace.

15

I didn’t see your personal facebook posts, I think I only subscribe to your Emerging from Broken. I think one of the reasons why so many people look the other way, is because they don’t want to get involved because in doing so, might draw the wrath upon themselves. People will talk about abuse away from the actual abuse, I think they are just weak minded people. Gosh, just watching the Jarod Fogel tapes, it is incredibly disgusting and shocking, In England we had Jimmy Saville. He had plenty of access to children. He would even visit sick children in Stoke Mandeville Hospital, where kids couldn’t leave. The children he molested goes into the hundreds. People want to ride the celebrity-ism and don’t have the damn balls to actually call out predators. A lot of talk and finger pointing but no one really does anything. When you stop and think about it, and realise that there are way too many people on this planet that by doing nothing, actually are CONDONING irreprehensible behaviour. I just think the numbers of people who do this is really staggering. It’s totally unreported. I believe the issue is NARCISSISM, and everyone wants a piece of the action, the shiny light. No one wants to have to be the bad guy and actually put themselves within the firing range. This to me is the most depressing aspect. This, is why abuse will continue to happen.

16

Darlene,

Thanks for this, it is very well written, from the heart & experience.

I had no idea, & did not see the post. My life has been a struggle to breathe…and live. Too many things still being thrown in my face.

I was also called a liar. My ex/perpetraror lobbied the judge on almost a daily basis after he granted me an ex-parte, telling him judge you know me I would not hurt my wife or kids she is just saying that to make me look bad for the divorce. I was threatened for years to never tell anyone that I would be sorry. Well I am sorry, but not for not speaking up..but for not speaking up sooner. I was told by several counselors that my children were good reporters of the facts. Yet they were not believed. They were forced in a meeting with the dfs worker, her supervisor, the GAL, the perpetrator, and his atty. I was not included and never knew about it till later. The Dfs people asked the girls what, when & how did their father abuse them. They were afraid to speak then & to the judge. No one was on their side..or believing them. The judge talked to them.much like their father did, intimidating them.

The GAL wrote on his website that it was one of the worst cases of parental alienation he had ever seen. Strange thing is, he was correct, he just had the wrong person.

Once when one daughter, about age 10 was looking in the fridge for something to eat, her dad told her to get out of the fridge or he wod beat the crap out of her. She goes, you can’t DFS said not to hit us again! He said I can do whatever I want, just hide and watch. Guess he was right. He has. (Interesting point is that nobody ever told me to stop hitting the kids, they didn’t have to….also he had DFS workers come to his house for weeks at a time, to learn how to parent these 4 daughters, since he did not know how. They didn’t have to tell me or send anyone to teach me, I knew how to!)

This same daughter told me after that, that it didn’t matter what she said about how their dad abused them and I didn’t, that they think you are bad, so there is no use.

I appreciate that you shared who it was, sorryyyyy that I missed it. We have to watch out for each other. Sometimes we do not know. I shared with someone once that one of her so called “friends” happened to work with my ex, and that I am not sure how they could be friends. We are in the midwest and she’s on the East coast. She did nothing! I was surprised and disappointed. I know that he was there to watch me.

I had noticed that I was not getting posts from you as I had, I assumed that it was due to some Facebook changes. I missed you and your posts.

I am so sorry that this happened to you. Please take care. I saw believe the victim. I asked the court & DFS to err on the side of protecting my kids, their comment was we don’t err. Well they did big time.

I was estranged from my second daughter and will never be able to since she passed in a tragic motorcycle accident June 2 of 2014. I truly believe that if she was in my custody she would still be alive.

I thank you for all of your sharing.

Michelle SAVEDNOW! STAND-UP AGAINST VIOLENCE ESPECIALLY DOMESTIC! I say take a stand for those who cannot stand up for themselves!

17

I believed you. You have shown yourself to be caring, and a person of integrity. You have shared your truths to help others at great personal expense, both monetary and time. Thank you for all that you do, Darlene.

18

Deflecting and projecting is their specialty; honed an perfected, to reverse shame an blame onto victims, an further harming ones already disturbed psyche.
A lot of times a victim turns perp. Learning all the forms of manipulations from their abuser. Using it all on their own victims. With all the skills of a master pedophile. Sometimes even defended by like minded appearingly upstanding, undetected pedophiles
This is the reason it continues, an is passed down from generation to generation.
The feeling no one cares or believes you causes more harm to an already tramatized victim.
And we end up being called crazy, an targeted for further abuse, with absolutely no recourse. An on top of it all to be retaliated on, an revictimized.
Godspeed to all advocates an survivors an children afflicted by this seemingly acceptable crime, that rarely ever gets justice.
The perp has more rights than the victim…in the end. Sad but a,fact.

19

Re situation of who to believe – the point is to find out the accuracy of a situation does require effort by each in society. It is this lack of effort worse than that often the shunning turning away as if not heard through to the downright refusal victim blaming responses that are by default providing the abuser with approval for what they have done and potentially do again. If society made the effort to look into the research on the methods tactics all that of an abuser the profile of the seemingly nice person (abuser) to look a bit deeper and at the survivors past reactions drops im grades, behaviors the clues are there. However the response often given by society I mean society everyday people in the community through to family – most people DO NOT WANT TO KNOW/REFUSE TO BELIEVE without even making effort to check the situation. Even to look at actual evidence!! To the survivor (who damm well fights to be a survivor its not a given to be able to survive such treatment for some its a daily hurdle) to be met with this lack of care to even look at the facts/listen to the survivor speaking out its as if they are like standing there while these terrible things were happening and they don’t give a shit. Many would not intend this to be the effect but its like all the yuk feelings that abuse bring to mind are sort of projected out back to the victim/survivor from society as a whole thats the environment a victim/sruvivor is too often up against.

Regarding the facts of Michael Jackson situation – I have not met his potentially legitimate victims nor him which of course not possible now but i would most certainly be familiarizing myself with all specific relevant information before coming to any such judgment that his potentially legitimate victims are lying,and that is not saying that the parents are not potentially money hungry deceivers still the victims could be legitimate there are parents that do ‘sell’ their children this stuff happens and im not saying either that that has happened specifically in the michael jackson situations as I DO NOT KNOW but id does happen so is a potential – WAKE UP SOCIETY! BECOME AWARE MAKE THE EFFORT THE CLUES AND OFTEN THE EVIDENCE IS THERE AT LEAST DAM WELL LOOK AT IT!!!!! This last sentence is not meant directed to anyone here its to society as a whole

20

First of all, I would like to thank you Darlene for taking your time to spread awareness and warn women and the entire survivor community about this man. For the following week, it has been full of hate and anger towards me because I decided to come forward with these accusations and with the evidence. Unfortunately, many are in disbelief because this man is very well liked and a very infuential  known advocate. In fact, I’m surprised that I was believed at all. I expected everyone to turn agaisnt me. I expected my page to be reported and shut down because of the evidence on my page. However, out if this whole chaos the most affected ones are the victims. They seem highly depressed because of some terrible comments made by the survivors and advocates. Calling a victim a liar is awful but victim blaming is worse. I remember when I was a child and no one believed that I was being sexually abused by my father. The worse feeling for me was when they tried to blame me and told me “Why didn’t I come forward sooner?” My mom even said that I liked it. How can a child process all this? My entire family rallied against a child. For years I was isolated and my father loved and respected by everyone even though he was convicted for rape and sodomy. I know how it feels when people choose to take the wrong side. I really do…

  When these women came to me my first thought was no this can’t be but then I remembered how this is so typical for powerful and infuential people to get away with it because no one believes and the victim. It’s sad that the same advocates that say “Tell” if your being abused are now against them for speaking out. To be an advocate isn’t just to post pictures, blogs or spread awareness. To be an advocate is to stand for the voiceless and bring to light what is hiding in the darkness. I’m not here to follow the crowd I’m here to stand against abuse and injustice. What has been my lessons throughout this whole scandal? We can’t trust anyone and not everyone that says to be an advocate really is, and this is sad because survivors need real support and encouragement. Unfortunately,  abuse of vulnerable women will continue until he is stopped. Don’t you think that if he would be innocent he would stand and prove it. Don’t you think that he would sue for slander? But he is not, he created another profile and he is moving on as if nothing happened. If he sues he knows that this will be taken to the law and he won’t be able to escape.

Cecibel Contreras
Advocate/Founder
ISUVOA.COM

21

Although I don’t have Facebook, I want to thank you for giving people the information. it is an amazing pattern that warnings or attempts to receive justice are so repellant. from the description, it sounds as if you were giving a warning. For myself, I now recognize that my intuition and ability to listen to myself was pretty shattered. Without any calibration I would switch between trusting no one and then completely trusting , without any boundaries at all. I see warnings as soooo helpful. They help me to tune into and believe those small feelings I have that say be alert or don’t go there or there is something off with this person. Having experienced many disorienting traumas, it is very helpful as I learn to find what feels right. Based on what you believed to be real, you provided information, to empower people from a vulnerable population to listen to themselves and strengthen their boundaries around a person who may understand their vulnerabilities.
I find it very weird that the baseline of our society is to be open and free with people. that there are so many ways in which we are told not to have boundaries or pay attention to our internal warnings. As if not giving someone trust and access is somehow cruel or unfair. So, around this person some people will choose to be more alert….he will have lost the benefit of doubt.
Sometimes I wonder if the intensity of our societal response to abuse or rape is a means to make it unreal, especially given how serious and needing one hundred percent irrefutable evidence and even with that looking for any and every excuse or rationalization. for example, where I live the fines for littering range from $500-$1000, so no one is ever fined for littering. my city is litter covered. if the fine was $5-$10 people might actually get tickets. it might be something that was enforceable. the same goes for rape, the stated punishment is life in prison, so it almost never ever gets prosecuted, and when it does it is so heavy as a punishment that it is usually dealt with as a plead out…rapes really do happen here but the punishment is unenforceable. my point being that to say, heads up this person has been abusive is met with this huge pushback…what is the pushback about, really, people being more aware, alert, and judgement…is judgement so heavy as to make awareness and sharing of information unenforceable

22

I believe you Darlene. Your integrity, honesty, responsibility, and caring come through in your posts. I am stunned when people defend the perpetrator and not the victims, like in the case of Bill Cosby or Jerry Sandusky.

Also, I am glad you admitted you can be “fooled” by the sociopaths in post #10. I always admire a therapist/counselor who can say that…it’s the ones that think they can outsmart a sociopath that concern me because I think they have a false sense of “knowing”.

23

Hi
I too did not see your post. You have my complete support.
The truth is the truth.
They can try to Hide it, cover it up, lie about it, change the words around. Change their motivation. Whatever.

Abusers just turn it all around to throw the blame anywhere but where it belongs.. on them.
I stand beside you Darlene in any way I can. Karen Ranes

24

I was shamed by the director of my mothers assisted living when I took my name off her contact list. I was treating my mom in such an unkind way. Why are you doing this? I know you she said?
Like she was an old friend. I dont know the woman.
But suddenly I’m the bad guy.
Acting in a disrespectful way.
She believed the careful lies and sweet gramma appearances of my mother. She lies without speaking.
Sighs and pity for her emotionally unstable daughter. Smiles and praise for the golden child who only cares about her money.
Its all appearances and play acting to keep me in my place – defending myself and trying harder to please her.
And its believed.
When I tell the truth about her people are shocked. stunned. That tells me how careful her illusion is and how many well meaning people dont see past it and believe me the villan.
I only tell people who have shown me the personal integrity to keep an open mind. I dont care what the others think anymore. They arent worth my time.

25

Dawn my mother was the abused but learned from the masters, my grandmother and father to hone her skills. She became very entitled. That entitlement led her to scamming and stealing. Its like she decided that was the only way she could “win” over her abusers. So she began to sneak and steal, cover up and justify. That seeped into every aspect of her life.
Everything became a lie, a scam and she got her self esteem from getting away with it. Til she embezzled a bank and they were smarter than her.
She got probation playing the desperate mother.
Every job she had she stole from.
Shes a psychopath. Im so glad Im no contact. She recognises no limits.

26

If I had to do all again I would’ve screamed to the rooftops until someone heard me! 10 in my family and all covered my abusers asses and abandond me. I look at them all as the cowards they are.
My brother emptied a canister of spray starch in the downstairs bathroom after I locked myself in from his advances. There was a big enough space up top of the partition to enable him to take aim. I burst out of the bathroom because I couldn’t breath. He grabbed me and tried to slobber all over me. I broke free and ran for the stairs, he hit me with a dart and it lodge in my thigh bone. The tip broke off when he pulled it out, it’s still there. He spent an hour rocking me and apologizing and begging me not to tell. Days later Mom as ironing and got upset the spray starch she bought was empty. My brother shot me a look to shut up and I did. what was wrong with this picture, everything!!! I should’ve had a parent to turn to right when it happened but I was always to blame so I learned to be silent. why do they protect the wrong one. because they are just as distorted and twisted and stake their reputation, (that’s everything), on holding the secrets in the family. I live my truths now while they continue to lie about me to whoever they can. They are getting worse while I am feeling better having removed myself from their hell! I have no need of them. Be with people who uplift and are a benefit and leave the cur dogs to fight over the raggedy-ass bone!

27

Hi Raven
I didn’t mean to make anyone feel bad about my FB post ~ I was just trying to make a point and I know hundreds of people that always support me, never saw it.
Yes, people are afraid of predators…(the ones they see as having the power) so much easier to just turn away. That is what happened to most of us no matter what type of abuse we suffered, people just turned away. I agree that this is HOW abusers get to continue to get away with it. :/ Thanks for sharing,
hugs, Darlene

Hi Michelle!
Thanks for your passionate comments! Your story is a great example of exactly what I am talking about here! Thanks for sharing!
hugs, Darlene

28

Hi Judy,
Thank you and I appreciate you so much too. It is so great to know that my heart is visible. 🙂
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Dawn,
All perps/abusers were once victims. (but not all victims become perps!) I believe it is because they are taught that the one with the most power wins and they have power mixed up with worth. I think that this misunderstanding is at the root of this cycle of abuse. and so yes, it continues to be passed down from generation to generation ~ a false belief system. I am glad to say that I broke the cycle in my family!
Thanks for sharing,
hugs, Darlene

29

Excellent commets Maria B.!
The unwillingness to even check.. the way that people just pick a side ~ boom pow wow.. so careless. The guy we are talking about said he would post an apology if the evidence against him was removed from Facebook. He admitted that he did it, even named two of the victims and apologized (although he worded it “sorry for any damage I MAY have caused”) and then got really angry when the evidence was not removed. But people were not willing to look at the evidence ~ they just said that they didn’t believe that he would EVER talk to women like that etc. Like I said, I don’t post accusations without evidence. I don’t take this stuff lightly. I know that there are people out there that will try to shut someone down ~ it has even happened to me.
Hugs, Darlene

30

Hi Michele,
Thanks!

Hi Cecibel,
Thank you for your comments and for sharing your story. It is horrific when a child is blamed that way. It is horrific how common it is for a child to be blamed and shamed. That is why I wrote this post. Victim blaming is a huge contributing factor when it comes to why the cycle of abuse continues. (and not just children either. This guy uses his knowledge of how victims feel and think in order to get away with what he is doing ~ he has the grooming process down pat)
Thanks for sharing,
Hugs, Darlene

31

Hi Mariah
Yes I was posting a warning. I love your description of how warnings are validating for you. That is why I write the way that I write in EFB. To validate. To sort of reach through the fog to the heart of the men and women who have been so invalidated that they no longer trust their own feelings.
Great comments, thanks for sharing,
hugs, Darlene

Hi Light,
Thanks! You know I wasn’t upset that people didn’t believe me.. I was upset with the people that so quickly defended him where there was so much evidence against him. He himself admitted it. when I posted that, this woman said that his Facebook account must have been duplicated. Good grief! I read the whole thing. His admission was just a bribe to get the ‘smear campaign’ taken down. He threatened the woman who posted it. His bullying was so entitled!
I was really disappointed that people in the survivor community ~ people who have all been abused and called liars… were so quick to stand up for an abuser without looking at the story. It was so sad.. and yes, so typical but for me it was such a powerful example of why victims DON’T tell. That is what this article is really about. It isn’t about Bo, or any other perpetrator specifically, it is about ALL perpetrators and ALL the people that dismiss the victim.
Thanks for sharing,
Hugs, Darlene

32

Hi Karen,
I know that i have your total support!I love and appreciate you so much! I hope everyone knows that I never intended to shame anyone who is on my Facebook. Thanks for sharing your story about your mom too. That is such a typical example of what I am talking about here!
hugs, Darlene

33

Hi Mary
Thank you for sharing your story! This is exactly what I am talking about! Good grief… it is horrible. Yay for standing up and feeling better. I too got sick of being blamed and I don’t miss any of it.
Hugs, Darlene

34

Darlene, you know that I believe you as I too shared the same post on my Facebook page. I posted it and tagged the majority of my friends who were mutual friends of his. I didn’t count how many “friends” that I tagged but only 22 responded to my post, some privately and others on the post itself. Some told me that they too were verbally abused by him. Others told me they were warned by other friends to keep their distance. Out of fear, so many have kept quiet about this man. In keeping quiet, we allow the abuse to continue to other innocents. Is it any different that these innocents are adults rather than children like we were? It shouldn’t matter but apparently it does in our survivor community, otherwise the victims would not have been victimized again by his supporters. I pray that those same people would believe if it had been a child but I have my doubts. I am disappointed that more of my “friends” have not responded or even acknowledged that they now know. I do know a few friends are remaining in his groups to watch his behavior in the present and future. I don’t know the reason that the others remain his friend. Because I don’t know their reasons, I will be cautious in my future dealings with them. The one negative response that I got out of the 22 called me a gossip. I told her that I don’t consider the truth to be gossip. I didn’t share the post that I shared lightly. The post shared by his girlfriend which shared the letter from human resources did not say he abused her children. It said that he was under investigation. I believe the victims that came forth. I hate that so many people have been fooled and some continue to be fooled by this man who is abusing his power as an Advocate. I thank you Darlene and Cecibel for daring to raise the alarm and to speak your truth to protect the innocent.

35

Hi Patricia
Yes, you were one of the supportive people! I just went back and read my post and I wish I would have mentioned that there WERE supportive responses! My whole focus here was to show how abusers/perps get away with it ~ it was never about me personally not being believed. I wasn’t surprised at the reaction ~ this is a major part of the problem in the cycle of abuse. I too have had private emails from other survivors who were victims of this guy. Good for you for standing up to the accusation of being a ‘gossip’. The truth isn’t gossip! Thank you for sharing here Pat!
Hugs, Darlene

36

Darlene, you are very welcome. You and I are both far enough along in our healing that being believed isn’t a big fear for either of us like it may be for his victims. They deserve to be believed. It saddens me that they weren’t by so many. (((Hugs))) my friend for the tough stance that both of us have taken in exposing this abuser.

37

Hi Darlene (and all),

I understand what you are saying and thank you for clarifying. Denial is so powerful and for me, in my personal experience with my FOO, baffling and infuriating (though I know as you do that denial and aligning with the perpetrator is common). I’ve been shamed, guilt-tripped, abandoned, marginalized, blamed, dismissed, told “I don’t want to talk about it!” and left to emotionally cope on my own. It’s been hell, and many nights I feel like I want to die even though I know I’m not going to take my life.

It is a sad thing to see so many victims side with him and not adapt to the reality of what happened. I support you and your willingness to take him on.

38

One of the best acts I ever did was to write a CPS report and turned the completed hand written including names and addresses in. The information that the abuser was living with grandchildren was enough for me to come forward regardless of family members not ever believing or supporting me.
Each one of us needs to stand up for the children. For the child in us.

39

Those who side with him are not victims. By their silence and support, they just became abusers themselves. Silence is the biggest thing that allows an abuser to continue.

40

Here are some thoughts I have as to the possible purposes of denial, both in a family setting and in a larger group setting:

DENIAL

*Often keeps one spouse aligned with the other therefore does not threaten financial security, “status” security, or investigation from child protective services with risk of losing the children.

*Status is retained within the primary family and extended family, a “happy home” image is maintained, power as a solid family is maintained with the most powerful staying at the top. No cracks in the armor or weakness shown. No vulnerabilities exposed so no humiliating gossip to follow.

*Keeps the one in denial from having to admit there is a problem and therefore take hard steps e.g. leaving the relationship, moving, getting a job, finding child care, confronting the abuser, changing their reality, etc.

*Keeps the status of the ones who deny intact. If it “didn’t happen”, then no one will judge them negatively, think they are “dirty” or from a “dirty” family, think they are delusional, think they are an exaggerator, think they are troublemakers or that they are bringing shame to the family or group. They don’t risk being outcast, which can trigger powerful primal feelings because for a young child being an outcast can feel like death. Staying in the group = survival.

*Keeps the onus of blame and focus squarely on the shoulders of the whistleblower, therefore deflecting where the responsibility truly lies. Protects the perpetrator, therefore protects the one in denial.

*Denial of someone else’s experience of abuse as an alternative to fear: The fear of having to change one’s understanding of the family or group and make necessary changes in relationships. The person is challenged to rethink what they “know” about another, and it can be hard to admit that one has been tricked because they want to avoid feeling possible shame or weakness.

*Denial of one’s own experience of abuse as an alternative to fear: the fear of not being believed, the fear of bringing shame on oneself and family, the fear of possibly being outcast and rejected.

*Trauma bonds? My understanding is that it can be hardest to separate from those with whom there has been trauma and bonding.

Feel free to comment and add to the list.

41

I’m sorry for your experience, Darlene, and I understand all the emotional responses you went through. You did the right thing. You were given information and you acted on it. The man posed a danger to the people in your community. Saying something was the responsible thing to do. Not always easy or popular but the good thing, the right thing, whether others recognize it or not. I hope you will forget what they say, what they think. Those people will always be there. You’re right that they are why abusers get away with these things—and you can bet that the abusers know that and use that to their advantage. But remember that you are not alone and not all abusers will get away with what they do and that every little bit that you do counts for more than you know. If a hundred people pounce on you but one person hears you, what is that one person’s value? Can you even really measure that? The hundred people pouncing hurts, takes you for a ride through old, unpleasant territory, but ultimately you know the truth and can shake them off. It angers of course but you can’t make people see. They’ll come to understand in their own time or they won’t. In the end, there’s not much choice, is there? I mean there is, you could choose to stop, not do this work, not stand up when you see a threat, but I know that goes against every bone in your body. Take care of yourself and know that you have inspired me and many others many times over.

42

I agree with what so many have expressed here. Alaina(as usual)wrote so eloquently about the situation. I am inspired by you Darlene as well. And similarly to Light, I have been baffled and infuriated by family’s behaviors.

I am glad you wrote this post Darlene. It exposes human behavior we sadly realize exists. We must rally against this abuse. It is not easy to take that road, but it is worth it.

43

Hi Darlene,

I agree with everything you are saying and it is much easier as an adult to be able to stand up for yourself and speak out against the abusers who have treated you wrongly. But as a child and someone who has been abused and hurt both physically and psychologically, you have no power, no strength to fight against what is wrong. The abusers creep and crawl into every space, every crevice, every inch of your world, your mind. They manipulate others around you so they look to the outside world as if they are a pillar of the community. They creep into the worlds of those closest to you and alienate you from those people. The abusers make you feel there is nobody there for you, because you won’t be believed if you tell. They make you believe it is you with the problem, not them.
I wish I realised this about ten years ago. I would have gone to the police when my abuser was still alive, reported it, fought for a prosecution. Anything to stand up and shout that what he did was wrong. It wouldn’t have mattered if i had lost my family over this because he already did the damage all those years ago.I have very little contact because they perceive me as the one with the problem.
Sometimes it feels like whatever you do you will never win. But I win by surviving, by living, by standing up and saying no to things that are wrong for me. The abusers haven’t won.
My light still shines

44

Dear Darlene,

I wasn’t sure if there was a spot to post a general comment but felt I just had to let you know that this site got me through my first night of being abandoned by my mother. I know I had started the process of healing about 3 years ago when I decided that the unhealthy relationship I had with my mother (and my sister and her family) was going to end. I was going to break that cycle and not continue it with my two children. I am 50 and wanted a relationship so badly with my mom that a month or so back I gave in to her list of demands (she literally had a list of things I had to abide by…which included not being able to talk about anything that had happened in the past…in essence to not have a voice}. I wanted her love/approval so badly that I agreed to everything that she asked only to have her call the next day to say I had already done something else (which was completely untrue and her rationalization was beyond ludicrous). That was the “end” I thought until she made an appearance through a card to my son this past week. I called to try/beg once again for a relationship…I thought if I gave everything she would somehow have to say yes. It didn’t work that way and she said “she” couldn’t do this anymore…once again I was to blame. I think I “stood” up and told her that this is the choice she is making and she said “this isn’t about choice”. I know that none of what transpired yesterday or for the past 20 plus years is rational but the pain is still real. I am 50 but feel like a little child when it comes to being abandoned and told that I’m not worthy of working on a relationship with her. I know I will be getting your book and will be visiting this site often…the things I’ve read so far resonate with me like nothing ever has…you put into words what I have been experiencing. THANK YOU!!

45

Hi Light
Thanks for your list expanding on some of the reasons/motives behind why people don’t want to ‘hear’.
hugs, Darlene

Hi Alaina
I decided ‘easy and popular’ were over rated long ago! LOL
I saw this whole thing as a great opportunity to highlight WHY people don’t come forward. And yes, abusers use that to their greatest advantage. My hope is that one day, when enough people see how this whole thing works that they will get a little energy back and realize that the only way to stop the cycle is to heal enough to be able to stand up to it. Thank you for sharing and for your encouragement!
hugs, Darlene

46

Hi Andria
Thanks! I am glad that I wrote about it too. This whole situation gave me inspiration to write about a whole lot of other things related to the way the cycle operates. Onward!!
hugs, Darlene

47

Hi Clare
Sadly for many, because of the consequences of trying to be heard as a child, many adults are unable to take the risk as adults either. And the abusers know that and rely on it. Something I realized is that because I finally rejected the definition of me that ‘they’ put on me, I won. I got away and I won. I got my freedom and individuality back and I won. As you say.. THEY haven’t won!
hugs, Darlene

48

Hi Shelly
Welcome to Emerging from Broken!
I thought if I gave everything that my Mom would want me (and a relationship with me) too.. isn’t that the hardest part? They want me to jump but even when I do it isn’t enough. And I am okay with that now because I know from the bottom of my heart that that is about them and not about me. And the pain is very real no matter how much logic we finally see. The hard part in recovery is getting the logic to match up with the emotional but it can happen. I am so glad you are here. Thank you for sharing your story,
hugs, Darlene

49

Shelly, I have to respond to your post because your story is so much like mine . I’m so sorry that you have a mother (like I do) who can’t see all the good things in you and accept you & love you as you are . I know how painful this is . I hope in time you can come to see the truth: that you are worthy of love and of belonging & your mother’s inability to love you has everything to do with her and really nothing to do with you . I’m 45 and i’ve spent the last two years focused on healing, separating from my mother, giving up on the idea that it’s even possible to meet her impossible demands, that it’s even possible ever to please someone who really can’t be pleased, someone who will never be satisfied no matter what I do. I wish you so much peace and healing Shelly, I know that it’s possible.

50

I was just thinking of one last thing Shelly, in regard to your post. it’s amazing to me that someone can treat us so poorly and then they have this way of twisting our perception so that we go begging to have a relationship with them when all the relationship brings us is pain and confusion. this is unbelievable to me & so sad. Up until 2 years ago, I kept going back for more, kept trying to be a better daughter & now it’s so strange to me because I look at my mother & there’s just NOTHING there, nothing that feels like love or comfort or goodness. I feel that all I’ve really lost is the fantasy of who I wanted her to be. She was NEVER capable of real love. Sad.

51

Hi Darlene,
I’m looking forward to reading your future articles about how the system operates. I appreciated this article because I’ve been thinking a lot about this subject lately. You said you hoped people healed enough to be able to stand up to it. With several people in my family, I’m not sure it really had anything to do with being healed enough. Sometimes it seemed more like if two people heard about some horrible news event and one person decided they had to go and help and the other person felt no need, no desire or obligation. It didn’t have anything to do with them and they had better things to do with their time, didn’t want to make the sacrifices, wasn’t in their self-interest. Or it wasn’t “bad enough.” Or they’ll say something, the person won’t listen, will go on the defensive, so they’ll back down in the name of family, of keeping things together, like it’s not worth splintering the family over these things, better to have something than nothing, just put “differences” aside. Or if you think the person won’t listen anyway, have seen that to be true already, what good comes of speaking out. Of course for the victim that doesn’t work. But for the other people, I kind of understand. I don’t agree with it, but I don’t know if it’s possible to get those people to really understand and change. I walked away from those people because it was way too painful but none of them thought they were doing anything wrong and none of them were “too scared” to do anything. They just didn’t want to and didn’t see anything wrong with that. They understood my position toward my parents. They just had a boundary there, perhaps in their understanding/compassion of “why” (the generational cycle aspect) and thinking that people have to come to understanding on their own time, that you can’t force people to change. (so they just acknowledge things behind people’s back) To stand up for me would have meant breaking up a bunch of relationships. They couldn’t see why I couldn’t just be fine with them continuing on as is, just know that they love me and not take their silence as any kind of sign. Maybe if my brother wasn’t in denial, believing my parents’ version, making it impossible for me to have a relationship with him and my nephew, it wouldn’t have mattered so much, or maybe if in the middle of my crisis, my dad hadn’t been planning a big family vacation, sending out info to everyone and everyone being all excited, maybe then I could have been less destroyed by their position.

52

Hi Alaina
What I meant when I said My hope is that one day, when enough people see how this whole thing works that they will get a little energy back and realize that the only way to stop the cycle is to heal enough to be able to stand up to it.” is pretty much what you are saying in your comment. When people see the dysfunction for what it is, they are able to draw a boundary so much easier. When enough people draw boundaries, (heal) the abusers have less places to hide, less ability to just get away with it. The ‘normalcy’ of the dysfunction becomes less normal.. and more visibly dysfunctional. The point isn’t about speaking out so much as it is about rejecting their false definition of how relationship and family works. It’s about facing the consequences of the fact that they don’t give a crap about the truth and they will let people who stand in their way ~ go; when I faced that they didn’t care what i did or said, they were NOT going to stand up for me and I finally didn’t care. I had to stand up for me. And that is what I mean by ‘if enough ppl. heal.
Love, Darlene

53

Into the Light
I wanted to acknowledge your beautiful comments to Shelly.
Hugs, Darlene

54

I’m with you, Darlene. I think many in my family would put up boundaries against direct abuse happening in their presence but they won’t put up active boundaries against neglect (i.e. holding people accountable to past actions), which pretty much means every day gets swept under the carpet. I think some of them would even understand how this contributes to the problem; in fact I know they do. It’s that they want the privileges or the comfort afforded by the dynamics (or avoiding this discomfort of what holding those boundaries would cost them). At the end of things, I remember just thinking everyone was a sociopath (not really, truly a sociopath, but kind of, yeah). It sucks when you realize the people who you thought were supporters and advocates turn out to be “with” the abusers in some essential way, even when they might sound good. They weren’t advocates. They weren’t victims (at one point they were from different angles). They were abusers. I just didn’t know it. One of them was a counsellor. She helped me for 8-9 years and she did help… but she also didn’t. I know you spoke before about how the therapist who helped you figure your past out turned out to be abusive… it’s a weird thing when that happens; it screws with your mind.

55

I’m kind of in a similar situation where there’s someone in my family who’s the “neutral” party, but really supports the abusers. She’s my older sister.

It’s so weird. My mother, sister, and brother despise Dad for what he did, yet still associate with him, but they enable and defend their own dysfunctional behaviors.

I got an email several weeks ago from my sister to call her if I needed anything. That doesn’t make any sense. How can one claim to support me and support the dysfunctional parties, too? I guess she thinks that she can have a harmonious relationship with all of us, but it’s not working very well, especially since I’m seen as the one with the problem.

56

S1988,
I had an aunt ask me why I was continuing to let my mom control me by letting her behaviour affect my relationships with the rest of my family. (She also would say if I needed anything, just to ask.) This was in particular to the family vacation that was happening–like why wouldn’t I go along just to be the rest of the family. I asked her why I would want to spend my time in the company of people (my parents) who had done so much damage that it almost killed me, refused to take responsibility and instead found me at fault… and why would I want to spend my time in the company of people (the rest of the family) who wanted to spend time with the kind of people who could do that to me. She couldn’t argue that point. Unfortunately the conversation devolved from there, defending my parents, talking about how good they’ve been to her and her family and how they haven’t shown my parents enough love in return. I tried to keep up the relationship for a while and then I ended up apologizing to her, saying it was too painful for me to keep things up, and I hoped that she’d “remember me well.” Groan. I had many good times with her over the years but I can’t say I will remember her well anymore. I’ll remember her decision.

57

Dear Darlene and Into the Light,

Well, I got up yesterday morning and was determined to not let my mom take another minute of my happiness away and headed out to grocery shop. It doesn’t take long for the mind to start swirling…yesterday it was about that last call and what I wished I had/hadn’t said. I didn’t handle it perfectly. But then I was in line at the store (thank God for long lines) because I checked my email and there were your comments…your touching, melt my heart, on target comments…and my day was changed. I had gotten help from a counselor (learning how to set boundaries, have a voice, and just how to have healthy relationships in general) and thought that was the key to having a relationship with my mom and my sister and her family. But I realized you can get yourself to go to counseling to work on things but you can’t make/beg other people, no matter what’s at stake. And although the counselor helped me tremendously, hearing from the two of you and scouring this site , there is something so much more meaningful from hearing from people who truly know your pain. Thank you so much!

Darlene, you mentioned “jumping”…that was constant and the sad truth is that I believe my mom and sister enjoyed every minute of watching me jump…they enjoy conflict (although they would say I’m the one who enjoys conflict). I’m baffled to this day about that when I’m the one who sought help and who wanted to work on everything peacefully. My husband and I also admitted that we hadn’t handled everything perfectly. My mom and my sister have not once ever taken responsibility for anything which after reading here I see to be a common thread. I agree, I have to figure out how to bridge the logic/emotional gap and I’m determined to do so.

Into the Light,

I’m not exactly sure of your story but it could have been my voice behind the words you wrote. And to see that we are close in age and going thru this…I thought I was the only one who at this age couldn’t work out things with my mom. You mentioned the twisting of perception…it was so outrageous in my situation, that’s why I begged my mom to go to a counselor with me, so maybe someone could help us communicate with out that misperception. I was like you, going back for more, always being rejected in the end. It truly is the fantasy of the mom/daughter relationship I need to move on from. Only if you want to share, I would love to hear more of your story. Does it involve sibling relationships as well? I have only one sister who has sabatoged my relationship with my mom for as long as I can remember so I now have no relationship with her or her husband or my niece and nephew (that happened approx 3 years ago when I finally stood up to my sister and her lying). But I somehow knew that when that happened it was a package deal with my mom. My mom had asked me shortly after that that “If your 2 kids weren’t getting along could you have a relationship with both of them?” and I told her “Absolutely, they’re both my children and it’s between them and I am an impartial mom to both of them” She couldn’t understand that thinking and I so couldn’t understand hers. Anyway, I know I could ramble here forever just to get everything out that noone has listened to for years and years!!

I’m going to download your book Darlene, is that the best way to get started in the healing process? I thought that I had started the healing process when I started really trying to get to the root of the problems with my mom and sister 3 years ago but now I wonder if that wasn’t just the start of the process of having a voice and now that I have separated from my mom and sister that now I need to figure out how to really heal. Also, I’m still not sure this is where to post these types of comments, any advice on navigating this site would be appreciated!! Thank you both again so very much!!

58

Darlene and Into the Light,

One thing I meant to say…last Friday my mom told me she needed “to think about” whether she wanted to work on a relationship with me..it took 3 days and me calling her to find out the answer was no. It took the two of you (complete strangers to me) less than 24 hours-ish to reach out to me. To me that speaks volumes about the character of people.

So grateful!!

59

Great list Light I think all the points you have listed are relevant real reasons why denial occurs and victim often pushed away. The face of reality and truth is not welcome. They want the victim to just go away.

60

What is it that makes so many people so afraid to admit that they were scammed or conned that they support the scammer instead? Being a liar seems to be more honorable than being trusting.

Then we get all sorts of “encouragement” to forgive the most unrepentant violators while the victims and those who are trying to change end up being judged mercilessly.

The whole world is NUTS!

Hobie

61

Hello…

Sorry I missed your post…I am curious to know WHO you are referring to and WHAT these posts were …could you or would your repost them? I think it would be a good real life example of how they operate…I would love to see it if you wish to send it to my email…I personally am having a continued problem with the NO CONTACT NO CONFRONTATION part of dealing with these people…I think it is time for us to find a way to confront and STAND UP and speak out…to empower ourselves and quit hiding and quit being afraid to stand and speak truth to what is “perceived” as power….this is a true and burning issue for all of us survivors…YOU have my full support…YOU have stood by the thousands of us here who have found a way back to ourselves through your courage and your wonderful work….Let me know how I can help!

62

Shelly,

I completely understand where you are at, its like you are telling my story. Please never feel its all your fault its really not, a relationship has to be worked on by all parties and like me its feels like you are doing all the trying, its unfair to bear the brunt of other peoples issues.

Like you I asked my parents to come to counselling with me in the hope we could work on having a better relationship, their answer and they didnt have to think about it was no we are having a new kitchen and are too stressed to go to counselling with you, I find it sad that they didnt prioritise a realtionship with their own daughter over a new kitchen and I could have waited till the kitchen was completed but it was a flat out no.

The sad thing is some people my parents included enjoy the attention not speaking to their own child brings, they have sadistically enjoyed bad mouthing their own flesh and blood to pretty much anyone who would listen to gain sympathy.

Im not particularly religious but I remember reading on a website that sometimes you are better giving a situation to god and letting him figure it out, this is where I am now at I havent spoken to them since mothers day this year as I refused to send my mother a card feeling it would be hypocritical, well that really fuelled their burners and they went all out saying what a horrid person I was, so i walked away.

Shelly please never feel you are alone as the loneliness is the pits and in the end use to be like a drug that would drive me back to them and the cycle would repeat, be strong and remember what an amazing person you are. My counsellor told me I cant change them and I had to wait for them to change, I feel it may be a long wait.

Sending hugs, jojo

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@jojo

How ironic. I offered dual counseling with my mother, too, back when I was staying with her. It seemed too good to be true. Later on, I found out that she planned to complain to a therapist because I wouldn’t be her therapist when I refused to listen to her jeremiads about how hard she had (and has) it, like it’s MY job to rescue her instead of finding solutions herself. I decided to drop the idea because going to counseling together would had probably made things worse. Of course, she preaches the importance of therapy, but doesn’t think she needs it herself. I’m the one who needs it, not to heal, but to be “fixed”. I doubt if she went since I moved out.

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Dear jojo & S1988,

I can’t tell you how much strength I’m finding as I get these words of encouragement. I’ve gotten more support in the past week than I have in 20 plus years from what is supposed to be “family”. Thank you so much!! Because I’ve had almost 3 years of “almost no contact” with my mom, sister & family…sometimes I feel like I’m at an okay place. I truly know that there are enough issues to go around in my family and that I’m the only one who chose to deal with them. I didn’t like parts of who I was (parts that were similiar to my mom and sister…parts that they liked and what made our relationship work because it made me fit with their perception of how relationships should be). My mom said to me on one occasion that “she wanted the old me back”..that would have been the me that gossiped, talked bad of other people, lied and didn’t know the first thing about healthy relationships. It was when I started to actually act like who I truly was and found a voice to vocalize who I was that the real trouble began. My mom too (when asked to go to counseling) told me that they were “my issues” and there was no reason for her to go. Although I knew they were my issues…I also knew they were issues that were the direct result of how she treated me. But even knowing that, I gave her a pass and begged her to go and help “me” to work on “my” issues. She said no. The rejection I felt that day was probably the worst…asking your mom for help and being told no. I don’t regret one minute of counseling and I’m not ashamed to admit that I did have issues and I’m proud that I chose to overcome them…they can think (which I know they do) that I was the “crazy one” who needed counseling and needed to be fixed like you said S1988. I think you and I are both in a better place. Despite all of that…I still go in spurts of self-blame…replaying bits of conversations and thinking about things like you’ve both mentioned…like how does a relationship with your daughter not trump a new kitchen, or in the case of my mom coming to an important event for my daughter…a new roof….or bad mouthing your daughter to people and I think what did I do that was so awful to deserve that? Even though I know in my head…that I didn’t deserve it. I think that’s why/how I know I’m in need of healing. That’s where I think I’m at now…how do I start healing?

I can so relate to the feeling of being hypocritical of buying a mother’s day card…I used to stand there forever trying to find just the right one that said enough but not too much. It was agonizing as I read the ones I wished I could buy. The only thing that gets me through mother’s day is the relationship that I have with my daughter (she’s 19) and my son (he’s 17)…and although I didn’t become the better me until later in their lives, I’ve been very open and honest with them about my struggles and wanting the cycle that was in place to end with me. It’s been very painful for them though losing their grandmother, aunt & uncle and cousins.

I have relied on God heavily through all this…sometimes thinking that to be a good Christian I needed to forgive and forget, although that didn’t even work in the end because “they” couldn’t forgive or forget. Someone then said to me at some point, God does want us to forgive but on some level there has to be reconciliation which means both parties have to take responsibility for their parts in it. Well, there was my answer because that was never going to happen, in their eyes they had done nothing so no need to take responsibility (even though the last incident with my sister was a provable lie). Anyway, jojo, one of my favorite verses/promises in the Bible is Romans 8:28…”And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him…”. So I may not understand it this side of heaven but know that this too is for my good.

In 2 comments you both have blessed my life and definately have helped me to realize I’m not alone in this. Thank you for sharing and hugs to both of you too!

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Hi everyone…

Darlene, you are an angel. Your bravery and intergretiy to create and maintain this web site is astounding. Know that there is one more devoted reader and believer in you in little ol me!! I’m sure I speak for all victims and survivors of abuse when I say thank you for being you and doing all that you do to help others. I’m a first time commenter and discovered your web site a couple months ago. Regarding your latest post, of course I believe you Darlene. I hope you are doing okay and safe because I’m concerned for your well being after outing this fraud, this monster, just sick. I pray that you are well and no one is trying to hurt you/”take you down”, etc. Are some human beings so sick and evil that they continue to protect abusers even when there is concrete evidence?!? Unfortunately the answer is yes. Hobie you said it best, the whole world is nuts!!!!

Light, your list is incredible. Right on.

Patricia Singelton, amen sister. Standing by in silence is supporting abuse therefore that person/party becomes abusers themselves. I STRONGLY believe there is no such thing as a “neutral” party. You can’t claim you support a victim/survivor and then vacation with his or her abusers!!! Aliana, I’m so sorry for your pain and all that has happened to you by the hands of your parents, I too have been abused by my parents my entire life. My heart hurts for you, I know, family vacations with you FOO are over…it’s so horrific… I get it Aliana. I just had a falling out with my only remaining relative who claimed to be “neutral party” “on my side”…Your Aunt, my sister in law…same situation. I literally feel your pain. It’s unbearable. My sister in law is prego with twins and married to one of my brothers. My parents have brainwashed and lied to my entire family, extended family, anyone with ears that I’m mentally ill, pathological liar, selfish, ungrateful the list goes on and on you get it. My sis in law claimed to be “on my side” “I got your back Megan” No she never really did. I so desperately wanted to believe that because she was the last relative I had left and I barely have any friends, the irony is I really am a great girl, a sweetheart, very loving, I have all this love to give and I will never see my nieces. We had a falling out last night, it’s demolished what little faith and light I had left in me. I’m sure her husband (one my my brothers) will be overjoyed at the news. The last time I spoke to him he said he never wanted to see me again, end my relationship with his wife, and oh wait a minute..if you come back to “the family” and make nice with mom and dad all will be well. Ummmmmm no, was my answer. That’s never going to happen.

When I ended my relationship with my parents and have been no contact as well, that was 1 year ago. How could I possibly have a relationship (a healthy relationship) with my sis in law when she is married to one of my brothers who has BECOME one of my abusers?!? I have 2 brothers and they have verbally abused me to no end since I’ve cut off our parents. I have no contact with them now either. Silently or not so silently standing by abusers therefore makes them abusers of me as well. I was lying to myself and grasping at air to hang on to my sis in law, to hang on to “normalcy”…I should be moving forward with my life and feel blessed with what I do have…I should be giving all my love, light and energy to my darling husband, have a child or children of my own (I really do want that, more than anything) but as Darlene puts it, I’m stuck. My heart is so broken, the sadness is so thick I can’t “snap out of it”. My husband and I had it out last night because he literally cannot take my sadness anymore. I don’t want to lose my husband,but like I told him, I don’t know if I’m ever going to be truly happy. He agrees, he doesn’t know either. But he loves me and isn’t leaving me, yet. I get it, who wants to be around let alone married to someone who crys all the time, generally sad, lots of anger oh the anger, and can’t sleep, has nightmares etc? I told him I get it and I agree with him and he deserves to be happy. I deserve to be happy too,but like Darlene says, it’s not “a choice”.

I’m at a point in my life where I’m losing my faith, my will to live..because I can’t take being in pain anymore. I’ve been strong and survived somehow for the last 33years, (My first therapist that I saw when I “came out of the fog”, when I realized at age 21..holy bleep my parents are NOT like good nice parents are suppose to be and I think I’m being abused/something is VERY wrong here..the therapist called me a diamond in the rough. I defied the textbooks about who I am suppose to be coming from a sick abusive household because I’m such a good, sweet girl who excels at academics, isn’t promiscuous and drug free.) I’m very proud of myself that I came out of the fog over 10yrs ago, I just wish I had also cut off contact at that time as well, but I wasn’t ready. Same therapist (bless her) said that he fact I “get it” right now is HUGE/AMAZING because she has patients who still don’t get it and they are in their 40s and 50s. So I wasn’t ready then, gotta have mom and dads love and approval. It’s biology. Screw biology is what say!!! but I’m only human, and these days I feel like giving up. I very recently remembered, vivid detail, being sexually abused by a boy or a young man while in a daycare. I was 2, 3 yrs old. My mother is an alcoholic and has never been a mother to me. She would drop me off at various daycares/preschools so she could party and drink while my dad worked full time. She is also pure evil, and possibly a narcissist, same goes for my father. Both also verbally abusive, neglect and dad physically abusive on occasion. Long story short about my abuse/life history, when I made it to kindergarten my teachers called (to my knowledge but who really knows right? Evil ppl generally lie and I don’t believe most of what has come out of my parents’ moths) parent teacher confereces, “a couple times, 2 times?” because they said I was emotionally disturbed. This went on during the first grade as well. What did my parents do? LAUGH. To this day they still laugh about it and make fun of me. “Oh yeah, something is wrong with you. We already knew that hahaha. Keep drawing your weird pictures Megan. Hahahaha! Emotionally disturbed! Hahahaha!” I’m actually thankful, I can’t put into words…how thankful I am my brain allowed me to remember being sexually abused as a toddler, because it means I’m not “bad” or “crazy” as my parents told me literally my entire life. Iam thankful for knowing. I really am. Darlene like you wrote in a previous blog, no child is born bad :-”)

Anyone else having a bad day? All of you commenters are angels too! Like one commenter wrote, the commenters on here (like you Darlene) save lives. The support and inspiration on this website save lives. Reading it and the commenters comments make me feel like I’m really not alone in this cruel world…

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Hi Megan,

I am sorry you are in so much pain right now. You are in the right community for there are many here that can sympathize and offer you the warmth and understanding you need. Learning to live life without a FOO is so so hard, and I have personally experienced how it causes a ripple effect through the sister/brother-in-laws and then the nieces, nephews, etc. It can be so hard to navigate, and just as hard to let go. There are almost no words for how devastating it can be.

I hope you feel better soon. Someone recommended to me Cheryl Richardson’s book “Extreme Self Care” which I want to read; also for me medication for depression was an option.

I pulled way back from my FOO about two years ago. It continues to be difficult, but I’m not having the crying jags for 2-4 days in bed after a holiday that I used to have. When I would go, inevitably I would feel overlooked, left out, not in on what was happening in the family, and I would tolerate subtle crappy behavior toward me. Now I am learning how to get through the holidays mostly on my own or with friends.

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Dear Megan,

I kept thinking about your post lastnight…it’s like reading bits and pieces of my own life. I know, like Light, that although it is difficult and excruciatingly painful at times…things have gotten better and I’ve made progress day by day as long as I keep the focus on my own health. I know without a doubt that I am a “better me” since I’ve challenged and gone no contact with my FOO (that includes the one sister, BIL, and niece and nephew I have on my side). I do have a wonderful relationship with my husbands family and am hoping that you have support there as well as it sounds like your husband has been supportive. It was terribly hard for my husband too, I was at a very low place for a very long time, and it was only through the last incident (lying blatantly to my husband by my BIL) that he started to see what I had been going thru. I won’t lie, it took 3 years, some difficult counseling sessions and lots of tears to get to where we are today but it’s a very good place. I also know that I am now the mom I always wanted to be and maybe you have broken the cycle as well and your future children will benefit.

For me, counseling…working on healthy relationships with the people who are in my life and worrying less about the people who aren’t…taking care of me physically and spiritually…and of course being here are what helps day to day. Just know having a wonderful, productive, fulfilling life without your FOO can be a reality. It is a journey but one well worth taking…you are worth it!!

Take care!

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Hi Megan ~ welcome to EFB!
(my apologies if I have missed welcoming anyone else! Things have been busier than usual lately and I have been unable to keep up here!)

Thank you for sharing. You are not alone!

Hugs, Darlene

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I find estrangement less difficult now than I did a few years ago since this isn’t the first time I cut my family out of my life. The first time was really tough because I was torn between being angry and hurt by what they did and hoping they would change someday. After breaking my first hiatus because of financial issues, I realized they weren’t sorry after all. My mother “forgiven” me when I moved in with her, but still chided me for leaving in the first place, and continued to treat me like an omega wolf one moment and like her personal messiah the next. Even my older siblings hoped that I would care for her while I was staying there, which wasn’t my intention. I moved in to stay temporarily, not be her unpaid caretaker/scapegoat. It’s ironic that they like her more than I do, but live in different places, yet I don’t like her, and we live in the same town. I hope she moves in with one of them one day.

Now, I have a “sister” in my friend who lives in Iowa. I envy her because she has six siblings, and have healthy relationships with all of them including her parents, but I can’t have one with any of my toxic family members.

Contact with term has greatly decreased, but I do get updates of their lives and “I love yous” and “I miss yous” occasionally. It’s amazing how I can be lowly and special at the same time.

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Megan,

Reading your post echos my life and the sadness, its like a dark depression I like you find it really difficult to lift the heavy cloud of sadness. I just have to have hope that everyday I will feel a bit better but boy is it a long process.

I was raped and my friend suggested I tell my parents so I could get help, my parents refused from that day to now to believe I was raped and were quite nasty about the whole thing, when i said I was scared I could be pregnant they said It would serve me right as I didn’t have protected sex, ridiculous really I didnt want to be raped. I was 18 when this happened but really due to the poor upbringing I had a mental age of about 16, boy did this experience make me grow up, I dont think you realise your own strength till you have no one but yourself to care for you.

Looking at this whole situation with the benefit of nearly 20 years life experience I can see that the lack of concern from my parents should have been a massive wake up call then and I should have gone no contact then and moved on. Looking back I think I would have been a healthier person now had I walked away then.

I would also say that failure to believe by the people who are meant to be your protectors and guardian’s make them complicit in the abuse, and there is no more a sad situation than that.

We are a community of survivor’s, a group of people who have been slammed down and refuse to give up and succumb, we know the truth about these people and this knowledge is our power. Together we can continue to be strong, because each and every one of us is amazing.

I love you all for your support

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jojo,

I understand how you feel. It is so sad to realize that your parents and family don’t care about you and display it in many ways. I am so sorry for what happened to you at the tender age of 18. To have your parents lash out at you and blame you for having “unprotected sex” is pure insanity to me.

Thank you for sending your love to the group. Right back at you!

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My parents did much the same thing.
I was a compliant doormat when thrownout at 18. Had sex with a 26 yr old once that my mother let me date at 17. She never even met him. She was overjoyed I had caught the notice of someone older. When I turned up pregnant I was hidden in the house til my child was given up for adoption. The event never to be spoken of again. My father raged and screamed horrific things at me, unspeakable words. I was naive, didnt understand my body or that I could get pregnant.
I was kept deliberately stupid by my mother to be her live in servant. I followed their rules until I spoke up again against my treatment a year later and was thrown out again like garbage. The finger pointing to what a bad, crazy, aweful person I was continued. I had up until that point not one healthy loving kind person in my life. A guy I had dated picked me up, found me a safe place to live and got me a job. I will always be grateful for his kind actions. I too should have gone permanently nc with my FOO but I was so groomed to work for their approval that I didnt go nc for 20 more years. I did move 1300 mi away with no phone thank goodness. But they continued to put me down for years. In 2007 my son contacted me and we have an ongoing loving relationship. My remaining family ignores them. Thankfully.

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To Light and Shelly,

Thank you for your kind words, support and advice!! I appreciate you both so much for taking time to write/respond to me. :’) I actually wrote response back to you both, but I only sent them to Darlene by mistake, thank you Darlene for pointing that out to me! I’m new to commenting and not a techie person so I’m still figuring out how to cut and paste my responses to you both without having to re write them again!! Gonna try using PC instead of smart phone. I have nothing but love and gratitude for you both and everyone who is in our shoes hurting and trying to live life more than just surviving.

To S1988,

I can’t imagine still getting updates/having some form of contact with my FOO. Actually I can, because up until recently I was getting updates a little bit from my now estranged (her choice, she was the last relative i had who claimed she was on my side/believed me, loved me, never leaving me) And yikes was that painful not to mention totally unhealthy. I get that now. I’m now mourning a relationship that’s gone but was never really “real” if that makes sense. It was toxic. Like I wrote in my first post, how can you have a relationship with someone who supports your abusers AND is married to one of your now abusers? (My sis in law is married to my estranged brother, who has become an abuser and supports our evil parents)

And ditto on the “I love you” BS messages from parents. How can you love me one min then get pleasure from hurting me in extremely abusive ways the next?!?!? Like Darlene says, that’s not love.

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Into The Light #50: Ditto. You wrote my thoughts exactly.

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About #50:

For me, it was about the hope that they would change and see the error of their ways. During my pre-teen and teen years, and even now sometimes, I would read or watch fiction, and had this burning hope that the villain in the story would have a change of heart, and that does happen in some stories. Unfortunately, that doesn’t happen in the real world too often. I tried to apply this idea to the real world many times only to be vulnerable to toxic people including family members. Now, I still have this hope, but it’s not strong as it used to be. When one is bitten by an animal, one shouldn’t return to it only to be bitten again.

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Hi everyone!

It is hitting me how my internal system was a replica of what it was like living in that toxic home. Constant turmoil and fear and isolation. When I read our posts my heart aches. I don’t think I will ever get how our own mother’s and father’s can just throw us away like a piece of garbage without any regard for us as just plain old human beings let alone being their sons and daughters and I don’t care what happened to them in their childhoods. What makes a person tell themselves that this is ok??? Blows me away every time I read our posts filled with more of the same old crap. It is like I am almost immune to it like when I used to work at veterinary hospital and we performed euthanasia’s on people’s pets and after a while it just became a part of your every day routine. Maybe that is what it is like for our abusers except we are the one’s that they are euthanizing…bits and pieces of our souls just whittled away over time until one day our spirits are completely dead, void of all hope and filled with that never ending fear and utter aloneness stemming from parents who didn’t give a damn about their own children. I could live a thousand years and still not completely get it. Just goes against every grain in my body.

Thinking and praying for you all.

Peace,
Kris

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Kris,

Yeah, I know what you mean. I do not completely get it either. I have explained to my father how I feel, what I have gone through, how I have been treated and he just does not care. My mother did not care either. It goes against every grain in my body as well. Peace to you.

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Andria,

I think in order for them to care that would require them admitting that they did something wrong to begin with so we will probably never get that feeling from any of them!!! Sorry you are in the same boat as me!!!

I know that underneath all of this garbage that my mother does care about me in her own way. It is just a sick way is the problem!! She has done things for me to indicate that. My father on the other hand didn’t have to because none of us made him. We put up and shut up just like my mother taught us to do which only enabled more of his poor behavior at our expense.

So many sick dynamics are in play when you live in this type of environment but what I have found out is that was then and this is now. Now I have my own rule book that is pretty much just the opposite of what my parent’s taught me filled with healthy ways of thinking that bring me happiness and joy instead of that constant turmoil I was living in before. Thank Goodness!!

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My own family is quite a puzzle. They pay lip service to loving me, but their actions are anything but loving. My father, who favors me, sees me only as a tool for revenge to use against my mother. (She does this in her own way, too.) When my mother’s not seeing me as a bad child, then I’m her savior. When I told her about my problems, she would either make non-apologies that blamed me or something else, or tell me to get therapy. Yet, she wants ME to be her therapist, too. I can’t get help AND be someone’s messiah, too, especially to someone unrepentant. My older brother can’t admit to hating me. He’s nasty one moment, then suddenly nice the next. My older sister (like my brother and mother) hates our father, yet associates with him, defends my brother and mother, and claims to care about me, though I know she sees me as the “problem one”.

My sister enables my brother and mother, my mother enables my brother, and both my siblings enable our mother. What a sick merry-go-round. They can have their dysfuntional relationship, but I don’t have to be a part of it.

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Kris I like what you said about having your own rule book. Instead of the rule book we were raised under. Its taken a long time to realize the error in that book.
I have always lived under someone else’s rules. First my family’s then my husband’s. Every one of them had guidelines I must adhere to but they don’t accept any restrictions on their actions or words. I know to the letter what I’m “allowed” before I cross the invisible line and I still restrict myself, my words, and my actions. But at least I now see the restriction. Im not consistant in standing up for myself and if I allow one bad interaction, then it seems like Im back to square one, all progress lost. My husband is so passive/aggressive and everything is turned around by him to be me. I Know its not me but living with it day to day is becoming more and more difficult

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Kris,

Thanks for your kind words. Yes, you are correct that they would have to admit they did something wrong, and of course we all know that is not going to happen. Growing up I knew the way my parents acted was not right in many cases. I did the same as you and did the opposite. I did not use my parents as role models for the most part.

I am glad that you have happiness and joy in your life instead of the constant turmoil!

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Hi Karen R,

I know what you are saying about that invisible line and it is so hard to break through it when we were taught all the wrong ways of thinking but now that I have DARED to cross that line it has made my life so much better because now I am no longer beating my self up because I didn’t speak up and honor my self which fed into my feelings of worthlessness all at the same time perpetuating this sick cycle of abuse.

CONSISTENTLY being able to stand up for my self has changed the whole dynamic between me and my husband and at the end of the day he no longer gets to be selfish and I no longer get to be his doormat which in turn allowed both of us to feel better about ourselves. I see how me changing MY way of thinking has in actuality helped him feel better about himself too even though at the beginning stages of this thing it sure didn’t feel that way for either one of us. In simple terms it was war inside of this house!!

Hang in there. The more you are able to consistently stand up for yourself the more you will build up your self confidence and the less wiggle room your husband will have to be able to disrespect you with his immature passive aggressive bullcrap which will force him into thinking about choosing another way of handling things that better include YOUR best interest at heart too or he is going to get more of the same thing from you!!! Eventually HE will get sick and tired of doing things his own way and once he gets the hang of your new found healthier way of thinking he too will begin to feel better about himself and then you will both be able to reap the benefits of all of your hard work without even realizing that this is what was happening to the two of you along the way!! Funny how things work. It took me almost 3 years with my husband to get to this place but considering how we spent the last 26 it is a drop in the bucket!!

If your husband refuses to get on board that is on him and then he will have to suffer the consequences of his poor actions not you. All progress is NOT lost if you end up back peddling sometimes. It takes time to learn a new healthier way of thinking and how to implement it. Years!!! So be PATIENT with yourself… and him because it is all new to him as well. Remember that he was taught all the wrong things too not just you. At the end of the day you don’t need him to do anything. All you need to do is focus on yourself and do what it takes to build up your own self confidence and the rest will fall into place because once you learn how to do that no one will get away with disrespecting you without them having to at least hear about it from you in the end so you CANNOT loose.

When we stop allowing other people how to dictate our lives our whole world changes for the better. Now we play by our rules. Healthy rules that require mutual respect. When you said I know that “it’s not me…” I have to disagree with you. It is you. It is all up to you… how you are willing to allow other people to treat you and how you choose to treat your own self. We were just taught that we didn’t deserve to have a voice but that was never the truth. I used to say the same exact thing but now I see that I was just as much of the problem as he was by allowing my self to be treated poorly by him. It was when I learned how to respect my self and everything that is entailed with being able to do that that everything changed for the better in my life. It will for you too.

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Andria,

Thnx for the well wishes too. It is the support of the people on this site that has allowed me to progress in my own recovery and I will forever be thankful for all of you.

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I dealt with passive aggressive behavior when my father lived with us. I looked it up on the internet after he left. I found out it is a covert form of abuse. Wow! I never thought of it as abuse before, but you know something? It surely felt like abuse. And it is crazy making! I never got any satisfaction from any conversation I had with him about why I felt the way I did. I also learned from this same article that you will wait a long time to get what you want from a truly passive aggressive person. Like you will never get what you want. My father operated this way the whole time he lived at my house. If he didn’t want to converse anymore he would just walk away or just sit there and not say anything. As you can imagine, the relationship suffered and died.

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Andria,

I wanted to fill you in with my experience of being passive aggressive to give you another perspective on this thing. I know that for my self the reason why I was passive aggressive was because underneath all of this junk I was afraid of reliving how it felt to be emotionally rejected and abandoned by my parents. I wanted to be close to other people because underneath I craved the love I never got from them but when it came down to the time of being able to do what it takes to do to get closer to someone I backed off out of fear of reliving those feelings of utter aloneness each and every time. So my intentions weren’t to hurt or confuse anyone. I was just terrified to death inside because if you ever experienced those feelings of utter aloneness you would try to avoid them at all costs!!! It feels like you are a wounded animal out in the snow in the middle of the forest sitting there in the dark and then you hear someone rustling in the leaves but you don’t know if that person is going to help you or devour and eat you up alive so you sit there and wait all alone in fear terrified to death to make a move continuing this sick cycle with inside of your self that you so desperately don’t want to do but you have no clue how to stop it because it involves taking a risk and trusting someone enough to believe that they wont hurt you which is next to impossible when you are emotionally abused and neglected at this level.

Living with some one like this IS toxic. I admit that about my self but you can’t fix what you don’t acknowledge and no one was telling me any of this so how was I to know. Not making any excuses here. Just another outcome of being abused outside of my conscious awareness. Now that I know the root cause of it I have taken the necessary steps to not put people through this anymore including my own self because to live this way is terrifying. It took me being able to overcome so many of the sick warped belief systems stemming from being abused as a child in order for me to finally stop doing this. It involves taking risks and learning that not everyone out there is going to hurt you. For me there was a lot of underlying anger and resentment that fueled this whole process and it all stemmed from two parents who didn’t give me the time of day that they should have when I was a little girl. There is a lot more to this sick dynamic then meets the eye.

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Here’s the short version!!

The whole purpose of being passive aggressive is to keep other people away from you so you won’t get hurt all over again yet you crave that feeling of being loved all at the same time but the fear of reliving those feelings of utter aloneness stemming from being emotionally neglected when you were a child stops you in your tracts each and every time and ergo the passive aggressive dynamic emerges time and time over again until you get to the root cause of this all.

You want to be close to people yet your actions say stay away.

87

Kris,

I understand what you are talking about. It is hard to be afraid of being rejected. Everyone wants to be loved but sometimes it is hard to know how to get the love you need. It is nice to know someone likes you for you. Not for what you can do for them or give them.

What you described about being terrified and not wanting to take a risk to trust someone sounds sad and I can see how that happens. I find it hard putting myself out there in social situations wondering if I will say all the right things.

It sounds like you have thought long and hard about these things and you are getting it sorted out. I wish this healing would go faster but I have learned to be patient and gentle with myself.

88

Andria,

You sound like you are well on your way to a full recovery! I have a hard time in social situations too but it is getting better. I isolated my self for so many years I didn’t have a clue how to strike up a conversation with anyone. There are so many skill sets that we were either taught wrong or not at all and now we have the daunting task of learning how to do them now. I flub up so many times but I have learned patience with my self as well. Glad you have too. I say to my doctor all the time that we need to speed things up here!! His response to me is in God’s timing and he is right because otherwise I would have been crushed discovering all my parents betrayals all at once so now I try to tell my self this too but some days it is beyond difficult to be patient when you are in so much pain.

89

Andria,

Another thing that hit me regarding your post is when you said “Everyone wants to be loved but sometimes it is hard to know how to get the love you need.” It is difficult because we tend to look for it in every place but where we need to look and that is with inside of ourselves because until you are able to love your self you will never be able to receive another’s. It’s not that other people don’t love us it is that we cannot receive their love because of our ten zillion warped belief systems that are set in place that tell us what a worthless piece of garbage that we are preventing us from being able to see just how lovable we really are…that we are lovable for just “who” we are. Not from what we do for other people but just for being ourselves

90

Kris and Andria,

But, what if you enjoy being alone? In spite of spending a great chunk of my childhood sharing a room with an older sister, I loathe the idea of sharing living space now. I can’t imagine having roommates or getting married because I will have little time to spend by myself and do what I want.

For many years, I was chided for being a loner, and my mother and other adults tried to “cure” me of my introversion rather than leave me be. I still get flak every now and then today, but it’s easier to escape it now that I’m an adult.

It’s why I’m grateful for the Internet. One downside is that it’s harder to have privacy with things such as social media, but in a certain odd way, it’s also easier to have privacy. Though there are others who don’t mind telling about their lives on the Web, one could also be anonymous, and interact on their own time, not on someone else’s like in the offline world.

It’s also why I can’t stand to work outside my home anymore. Practically everything’s people-centered, and it’s difficult to find work for loners. I enjoy working remotely, and not constantly deal with people all day.

It doesn’t matter to me that I have few friends since to me, quality is important, not quantity. One could have a thousand “friends”, but no real friendships. I have a friend in Iowa who I see once a year. I think if we saw each other every day, our friendship could be taken for granted.

Besides, I don’t think I’ll get much of a break if I interacted a lot. What if I wanted to take a nap or run an errand, but someone constantly wants me to do favors for them or hang out with them every day? Talk about annoying.

I also assume my need to be alone partly stems from my mother. When she not treating me like a bad child, then I’m her substitute parent. I listened to her woes while toning down mine, and she had me tag along with her errand and other outings when I preferred to be alone. What a nuisance.

Being a loner also decreases my chances of being around persnickety, power-hungry people. So for me, it’s a coping mechanism AND a lifestyle. Some may find it unusual, but no one’s being hurt. That’s just how I am. I hope I don’t appear to sound condescending or insulting in any way. (Sometimes, I have a tendency to be rude when I don’t mean to.) I’m just expressing my view concerning my loner lifestyle.

91

Kris, it is very true that you have to learn to love yourself. I never really thought about it until I heard the Whitney Houston song about the “greatest love”: learning to love yourself. I was so mixed up about it I thought it was a ridiculous song until my husband explained it to me.

S1988, there is absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying being alone. I understand about not wanting to share living space. I shared a room with my sister as well. When I lived in college dorms, I liked it much better in a private room than with a roommate. I have been married for 34 years, but because of work and other circumstances we spent a lot of time apart. I am used to my husband, but I cannot imagine living with another person but him. We did not enjoy the times we had my father-in-law living in our home or when my father lived in our home. They were elderly and not well.

Yes, it is true that the world does not value introverts very much. When my husband was a kid his mother would ride him about not having any friends because he was going camping by himself. He had friends. He did not have to spend every minute with them.

I understand not wanting to deal with people all day. I used to work for a major airline. I dealt with enough people to last me a lifetime.

I heard a quote from Pope Francis the other day that you really only have a couple of friends. Like two or three. People you can really count on. I have found that people come in and go out of your life very easily and often. It just happens for many reasons.

I don’t find the loner lifestyle unusual myself because I am an introvert. I like being alone with my animals and nature. You do not sound condescending or insulting in any way. I believe it is nice to able to enjoy one’s own company!

92

About the loner/socializing thing, this is what I’m thinking… So in some way it’s basically human to want things from people and want to use them for some purpose. We use EFB as a platform to use each other to help ourselves try to overcome our circumstances. The deal is that we all do so willingly. It’s a matter of choice and mutuality, hopefully never at anyone’s expense. In a lot of situations in life, people will want something from you and they may rest on the idea of their good intentions but in truth they’re using manipulation or taking advantage of your nature. Sometimes they’re doing it consciously, sometimes not. Lots of people don’t actually care why you’re giving them what they want so long as you’re giving it, although people may require a certain degree of illusion to be able to live with themselves. Personally I don’t want relationships with people who aren’t in it entirely out of their own freewill. I want someone to say no to me if they don’t feel like participating. I may hope and be disappointed when things don’t happen the way I want it but, for example, I don’t want the friendship of someone who’s just saying yes because they don’t want to be rude but really they’d rather be elsewhere. It’s as much a waste of my time (and an insult to myself) for them to say yes when they really want to say no as it’s a waste of their time. Of course this may bring up ideas of selfishness but not necessarily because it’s also human nature to want to be generous, to care, to decide to do something that may on the surface be a chore but on a deeper level you want to do this chore because you see it as a part of something bigger that you want to be a part of that gives you meaning or pleasure or whatever. Of course there should also be decorum. I hate it when people leave me out cold. They’re free to say no. I want them to say no if they want to say no. (and the same applies to myself) But I hate it when people do it in a way that’s disrespectful or mean because feeling unworthy or invisible is definitely a trigger. I tend to personally go from avoiding people and being a loner and then being too much, wanting, hoping for too much from someone so that I come off as needy/clingy. I try to find the middle ground. Mostly I just want relationships that are real and morph along the lines of what all participants want and choose freely. Relationships between parents and children are of course different. You can’t just be a parent—i.e. doing what’s best for your child’s wellbeing—when it suits you. Of course plenty do and the consequences are the consequences. As an adult, I’m okay with present circumstances. I’m adjusting. Children adjust but they don’t have the choice of rejecting all the bad stuff (i.e. ridding their world of it) unless the parents themselves also reject the bad stuff. You grow up but you haven’t learned that you can reject what you don’t want, what doesn’t work for you, because in your childhood you weren’t afforded that right unless your parents were onboard with it. You learn that you have to take people exactly as they are when in fact you don’t. It’s not just that you can reject a person entirely. You can negotiate. You can express the truths of your life, of what you think and feel and want and don’t want and see if things can work, shift to suit both parties, or if they can’t. Dysfunctional relationships are static, defined in a very fixed manner; you fit or you don’t. You become unchanging. Functional relationships are their own kind of living organism where neither your own identity is fixed, nor the identity of the relationship as a whole. You’re always developing and in flux. But that only happens when you can be honest, when you can say no when you need and want to say no, and can bring things to the table to be heard and so can the other person. I’ve often found people to be exhausting because of that notion that love is compliance and the ensuing guilt-trip and fighting the guilt-trip when I’m not naturally in conformity (we do fall naturally into conformity, i.e. when we say yes because we want to). I want to stay away from people because it’s exhausting having to be something or exhausting just fighting against that notion to give myself permission. But there really are people who actually have no desire for you to be anything other than what/who you are, which is not to say that they will inherently love who you are (which is impossible particularly because who we are is in flux with every choice we make). They might not like you at all or are lukewarm. They just aren’t interested in having a fraudulent life or in seeing others living fraudulently. Dysfunctional people, at base, don’t really care if it’s fraudulent. They just want what they want with a certain veneer. In some ways we are all susceptible to this–because we need and want relationships—but you can live a life in which your goal is truth and you’ll keep shedding off the lies and what doesn’t fit, or realizing what you thought was a lie was actually a truth you’ll go back to pick up or you’ll settle for some degree of self-delusion that fits you and hopefully doesn’t hurt anybody else. But I think in general a healthy person is a person who is always trying to get closer to what’s true and to living a life that is not at odds with itself.

93

Andria,

Thank you for your comment. I’m not surprised that other introverts/loners aren’t bothered by the loner lifestyle since they’re familiar with it, too. Most of the judgmental comments come from narrow-minded extroverts. I don’t tell them to be quieter, so they shouldn’t force me into being more outgoing.

That must have been awful to put up with your father-in-law and father. I read a few posts you written in the past about those experiences. I was in a similar situation not so long ago except I was the one staying with my mother. Thank goodness that’s over. I’m doing what I can to be self-sufficient so that I would never depend on a toxic person again.

There are perks to having golden siblings. If my mother comes to a point where she no longer care for herself, she could stay with one of them. Besides, my place is too tiny for another person. Ha!

94

S1988,

As long as you are happy being alone I am happy for you!!! I am an introvert as well and many of the things that you and Andria talked about I am right there with you too but with all that being said I would not give up the new found friendship that I have developed over the past two years for nothing. There is a difference between being AFRAID of being around other people and just preferring to be alone. I was afraid!!! Not anymore so while I enjoy being by my self nothing compares to being able to share my sorrows and joys with my friend because now I no longer feel all alone inside so I am able to share that part of my self with her. We go out and have fun. We laugh and we cry together and we share each other’s pain and now my life isn’t just full of all of that drudgery like it was once before. So thankful to be able to break through all of this bullcrap and finally start to be able to enjoy life for a change. Amen to that!! I pray for that for everyone because life is too short to never have any fun.

95

Kris re: post 85 (and anyone else)

How did you learn to take the risk to let love in and trust people? Are there specific things you did?

I don’t know if I’ll ever trust someone 100% to know me fully and not leave me. My father “left me” in the sense of covert sexualized behaviors, my mother was impossible to fully bond with and she didn’t solidly back me up re: my father, both brothers are loyal to my mother and don’t accept or hear how this may be hard for me. My sister seems to get it because she went through something similar with my father, but she was validated by my mother and now is on good terms with her and my brothers.

Family dynamics are dysfunctional, and I haven’t even described the emotional neglect, hands-off distance from my mother, being the youngest (an accident) and having my siblings leave one-by-one in my formative years, medical neglect.

So when I think of my background, plus the prevalence of divorce and cheating – I just don’t know if I could take the leap to fully bond with another in an intimate relationship. I crave closeness but I fear rejection more.

96

Hi Light,

I feel your pain. Believe me when I tell you if I can break through all of this garbage so can you!! I came from a place of complete brokenness. There isn’t just one thing that allowed me to finally be able to take a chance and trust someone. It was a series of events. Ultimately what it came down to for me was learning how to trust my own darn self because once I was able to do that then I knew in my heart that if anyone did try to hurt me that I would be able to handle it now. I was no longer this little girl who was trapped like a rat who didn’t have any choices. I came to realize that I am a grown woman who could stand up for my self and be counted and if anyone did try to hurt me I knew that I could just turn around and walk away. I didn’t have to take their crap.

It took me finally realizing that I wasn’t this worthless piece or garbage anymore. It took me overcoming the ten zillion warped belief systems that were in place to keep me isolated and afraid of everyone but were never the real truth. It took me learning how to love my self because until I was able to do that I was never going to be able to receive another person’s love.

Each time I took a chance and allowed my self to be around other people I saw that what I was believing about the world was one big lie. I didn’t have people trying to hurt me. In fact I found just the opposite. There were a lot of nice people out there who genuinely wanted to help me who wouldn’t hurt a fly let alone me!! It finally hit home that the only people who I really needed to be afraid of were my own parents. That’s how I broke free from this warped belief system.

I journal daily. That is how I was able to figure out the root cause of all of these warped belief systems. I read a zillion books regarding how to overcome the damaging affects of being abused and what being abused caused me to believe about my self that were all a pack of lies. I read Darlene’s E-book and posts and other websites out there and I see my therapist twice a week. I have dedicated the last three years of my life to my recovery. I hope this helps you. We all deserve to know what it feels like to be genuinely loved by another human being. I pray for this for you too. It has to come from with inside of your self. There is no other way to do it.

97

Thank you for your thoughtful reply Kris. I really appreciate it. If you have a book that you especially liked I would love to know about it.

Yes, trusting and loving myself…that seems to be the first step.

98

Hi Light,

Some books that helped me were: “Healing the Shame that Binds You” by John Bradshaw, “the Drama of the Gifted Child” by Alice Miller, “Adult Children of Alcoholics” by Jane Geringer Woititz. “Complex PTSD: from Surviving to Thriving” by Pete Walker and the latest one I read was Psychology of the Heart” by Raymond Lloyd Richmond. I refer back to Darlene’s E-book all the time. I cannot tell you how many AHA moments I have experienced using her book as a reference guide because I was finally able to make the connection in my head why I do the things I do because I was still believing some warped belief system that was outside of my conscious awareness due to being abused when I was a child. Everything is connected to that.

99

Hi Darlene, I’m so sorry this is happening but I’m not surprised. You have all of my support. Fear is a formidable enemy. I will keep you in my prayers.
Love,
Pam

100

Thanks for your interesting blog !!

101

Hi Darlene(and everybody),

I’m just catching up with my reading these articles and comments. I have been off for a long time. I think that I am so strong but then I start to lose it again.

I am having serious issues with my Narc mom and adopted Narc cousin. No, I did not spend Thanksgiving with them and nor Christmas. After my father’s death last spring, they have slowly started their devious tricks again. I don’t know what it is with these Narc people. My elderly mom re-listed her big, luxury house and she wants to move near me. There was a scare last week when I thought that my Narc cousin was trying to impersonate me. My mom’s house is listed for sale by owner on zillow and the cousin gave my mom’s landline phone number and my cell phone number. I got a weird phone call and the man leaving the message sounded like he thought that MY HOUSE was listed for sale! I double checked these real estate websites and looked up my house and NOT—thank goodness that my house was safe! (I could sue him for fraud if he was trying to sell my house without my permission!)

I know it sounds crazy but my Narc mom has tried to impersonate me in the past. She embarrassed me at the bank and pretended to be me and read my bank statement. She was then laughing with the bank teller about how her daughter did not earn much money! She has lied and received my past cell phone statements so she could call people on my list and argue with them! She actually tried to find out information about me! Now it seems as if both my Narc mom and cousin have become a kind of evil team wanting to frighten me and harass me because they can! I know that my adopted cousin has always been jealous of me and in his sick mind he feels like he is justified in harassing me! My mom can put on a good act and her social life consists of lunch/dinner invitations from the neighbors. They view her as a “nice” person who is just so talkative and an excellent hostess.

I do try to avoid phone calls and messages from them. The adopted cousin likes to send emails pretending to actually care about me! He actually had the nerve to find old movies stored in boxes in the garage—(the old kind of movie projector reels)—and transferred them to newer videos. Then he emailed these old movies in videos to me! Huh? Why would he give a care about ancient family movies about me as a toddler? I honestly think that if the cousin had a chance many years ago when he moved into our house—(I was 15 years old and he was 10 years old)—he could have done some kind of foul play towards me.

The pain that I feel toward this Narc cousin has been increasing through the years. He knows that he became the “golden child” years ago and enjoys playing the part. He makes more money than me since he has a stable job in the military. I was more academic and have been rather underemployed in my adult life. I am thankful that the military keeps him away from me. It’s more than wanting money from my parent’s estate with this cousin and sometimes I really fear him. He makes wild statements saying how he wants to buy a duplex together with my mom after her house sells and move here to my city.

I’m wondering if anyone here has issues with understanding the motives of crazy Narc relatives? Why can’t these people leave us alone when we are adults? I do maintain very low contact with my Narc mom and no contact with the cousin. Please do not lecture me but if I had known how bad these people were years ago, I would have moved far away to another state when I was younger. I really have no money to move and I don’t want the psychological trauma of losing the few good friends and spiritual groups that I have here. I am between jobs right now and Narc mom enjoys shaming and gossiping about me to these neighbors.

The shaming and verbal abuse never ends. I have been called names for being overweight. My Narc mom insults my hobbies saying that knitting/crochet is for “old women”. It’s funny but I’m one of the older women in my knitting group (age 40s) and the average age for the group is like 30 years old—and making projects for their kids. I can take the verbal abuse but I fear being stalked by the Narc cousin. It’s almost as if they would both love to destroy me financially—-and trust me I don’t have a lot. I am grateful that I live about 2 and 1/2 hour drive from my Narc mom’s house and she cannot drive anymore. I think that the Narc cousin puts ideas into her head. She told me that one of these days that her and the cousin would come over to my house when I’m not home and get a moving van to load up all of my furniture and items! So now they’re threatening to steal my possessions. I don’t know why she is so angry and I’m not sure if this is some kind of bottled anger over my father’s death.

My Narc mom will be 83 years old in December and she does not have the best of health. I think that these threats are her way of scaring me but it doesn’t make any sense. Does she just want to dump her anger on me as an old woman? I am considering getting a future security system in my house when I’m working again. I am home a lot right now so they can’t just come over and steal everything. I can get a restraining order for the cousin in the future if he is really nuts and stalking me. If he got arrested it wouldn’t look good on his military record. LOL! I do NOT provoke these idiot people and I’m a quiet person so why can’t I just be left alone?

If I could say one thing to the new members on this site if you are a young adult in your 20s please seriously consider rearranging your entire life if you can and move far away to a new city and new state to the opposite coast. If only I had known how bad these people were I would have pushed even harder when I was younger to move. My problem was listening to stupid shrinks and acquaintances who kept telling me that “they can’t be all that bad can they?” YES, THEY CAN BE THAT BAD! Anyway, I know that the Narc mom cannot live too much longer and then I can deal with the Narc cousin. Thanks for any support here.

Blessed Be,

Yvonne

102

@ s1988, Andria, and Kris:

I read your “loner” comments. I have been an introvert for all of my life and I actually like myself and would never change a thing! A long time ago, I actually took the Meyers-Briggs personality test and of course, I was an introvert with some more letters…I read in an article that around 3/4 of the population are extroverts and only 1/4 are introverts. So, the majority rules and we’re called the “oddballs” for not wanting to be around people every minute during the day. I’m not an expert on Jungian psychology but it’s my understanding that the common extroverts get there “charge” by being around groups of people and loud activities. In contrast, the introverts feel “drained” by being around large groups of people and need to be “recharged” by being alone and having a lot of down time and privacy. When I was a teen girl, I needed to have my own bedroom away from school and parents, and thankfully I was an only child so I never shared a bedroom with a sister.

The introverts are sensitive and feel more deeply than the extroverts. They need more recovery time from emotional events than the extroverts, like guarding from sensory overload. The nasty extroverts (Narc people etc.) are called the “psychic vampires” who drain our energy. If you’re metaphysical like me, an introvert can also be called “empathic”—where there is a tendency to feel everything, including feeling others’ emotions as if they were your own. I also fit the definition for an “indigo adult”. If you can take this further out, then a highly sensitive person is very close to being a natural intuitive or psychic. Many abused kids (including me) with any natural flair for the psychic can become a stronger psychic due to the abuse issues. I respect all positive religious Faiths (including my own—Wicca/Druids) but there is an advantage to past child abuse issues. By quieting yourself and going within, you can develop clairvoyant abilities and so on….I know that I sure have and I want to become a pro. psychic/medium in the near future. It’s all the introverts who are the truly gifted creative artists, writers, musicians…..You have to quiet yourself to go within.

I have NEVER had any burning desire to be an “IN PERSON” or popular. I like good ideas, and books, and people who are brilliant conversationalists. I like crafts and writing. I know that I would be terribly unhappy being so concerned of what others think of me. I normally keep myself busy with my job, spiritual groups, hobbies and managing my house as a woman alone. I,too,value quality friendships over quantity. In the past, I have even said “no” to a few men asking me out and “no” to female friendships since I want real, lasting relationships.

I am proud to be the opposite of my Narc mom. I pity these extroverted Narcs who NEED to have power and attention in the world. I laugh at them, knowing that I am quite contented and peaceful with my lifestyle. It’s funny but I was labeled “shy” as a child and my secret is that I’m really not. When I was a kid, I learned how to build walls around me to protect myself. I have been called adjectives like shy, snooty, stand-offish, and reserved. It’s funny but I actually love to talk when I’m with the right group of people. I’m also stubborn and I do have quite a temper, but only if I’m pushed really hard. Now I can laugh and I don’t care. I like having my space and if people think that I am like a mystery woman whom they can’t figure out then I enjoy it. It’s a shame that the world cannot accept introverts. I think that we are like the moon compared to the sun. We’re soft and reflective and romantic. Here’s to all introverts!

Blessed Be,

Yvonne

103

Yvonne,

I am sorry that your mother and your cousin are messing with you. I understand people like your cousin who work hard at pretending to like you one minute and then turn around and do something dastardly the next minute. They think they can fool you into believing that they are nice and treat you nice. It is just plain crazy. I hope you will be able to stay away from them. I don’t understand the threats they make to you like taking the stuff out of your house. It just sounds like they do not need to be in your life at all.

I am glad that you like yourself the way you are. I was never popular, but have found that the if you are an interesting person, people can be drawn to you. You sound like an interesting person to me. I could talk to you about your religion and your other interests.

I too have experienced the vampires that can suck your energy. They are everywhere. At times I did not realize that I was dealing with this kind of person and I got too close and made them a friend. It is something to watch out for to keep out of your life or at least a safe distance.

I hope for you to have a way to keep safe from your family. I know from experience that I cannot change people or make them understand why I feel the way I feel. I just stay away and don’t contact people that have hurt me or have the ability to hurt me in the future.

104

Hi Andria,

Thanks for your insight. I know that the situation with my Narc mom and cousin will not last forever. I have survived this long and I can’t quit now. These Narcs want to destroy you until they die. Too bad that they can’t focus more on improving themselves.

105

Yvonne,

But, that’s the problem with narcissists. In their eyes, you’re the one who needs to change, not them. They’re not perfect, but you shouldn’t criticize them.

My family’s pretty toxic, too, but even they’re not as extreme as your mother and cousin. I hope your situation improves, too.

106

S1988 & Yvonne,

It’s hard to empathize with a narcissist due to the mass destruction that they leave behind them especially when you are one of their victims and experience it first hand. I didn’t find Yvonne’s comment all that critical but more of the sad truth. They will take you down if you let them. They are wounded too but that doesn’t give them the right to abuse other people and I have found the best thing for me to do is to love them from a far!!

Yvonne,

I related to your post describing the differences between an introvert and extrovert. My husband is an extrovert and if we go to a party he feels rejuvenated where I feel drained. No right or wrong to it but I get the feeling that society as a whole is threatened by us introverts for many of the reasons that you listed in your post. We are too “close” for them. They don’t feel safe and they appear to protect themselves by getting lost in a group of people where you never really need to share anything too intimate. Just the feeling that I get dealing with my own husband. Don’t mean to lump all the extroverts into his same pot!!

Peace,
Kris

107

Kris,

When I said, “They’re not perfect, but you shouldn’t criticize them”, I was speaking from the narcissist’s point of view since many of them hide behind excuses and contradict themselves. I should’ve been more specific.

108

Because that was the “apology” my mother would use on me. “Please forgive me for not being perfect, but the circumstances in my life made me mean, and it’s your fault for not understanding me.” If I’m to blame, then why apologize?

109

S1988,

Now I got ya!! Thanks for clarifying this for me. Makes a lot of sense to me now. Sorry you had to suffer at the hands of your narcissistic mother. I had it with my father and my ex-boss. Since being in recovery now I am better off at spotting them. Thank goodness because they really are toxic. I pray that I will never allow my self to be sucked in by one of them ever again. Pure “H”!!

110

Yvonne,

I am sorry you are in such a crazy situation. Your idea of getting a security system sounds like a good one. I also went online and got a lot of good low cost tips on how to be more secure at home and out in the world.

Your mother and cousin sound extremely difficult to have contact with and very draining.

111

Hi s1988, Kris, and Light:

Thanks for your support. I try not to worry but there are days when I don’t feel safe. I don’t know if they would actually carry out these threats or they just enjoy scaring me. I do not have the money to pay for a big security system now. Sometimes, I think that having an animal companion like a dog or renting the extra bedroom with a female boarder would be helpful. It would take a very special person to live in my house (not my habits) but she would have to put up with hearing my screaming mom phone calls. Another power trip that my Narc mom has threatened me with is saying that if I ever get a female roommate that she will call the sheriff on me. I think this means that she would lie about this roommate to the authorities like saying that the roommate is a drug dealer or something to have the roommate arrested—I really don’t know! (This reminds me of growing up when Narc parents cannot allow their own child to choose her own friends). So, I would have to protect any future roommate along with me. I just can’t win from these monsters.

The part that I can’t understand is why my Narc mom and cousin have joined together like a team. My Narc mom has become more evil and controlling as an elderly woman. It seems as if my entire life has been one big battle where I am a comic book super-hero protecting myself and the world from my evil Narc family members! I know that my Narc mom enjoys getting information on me in order to lie to her neighbors. She gains sympathy and attention by slandering me.

If my Narc mom and cousin try to invite themselves over to my house then I must be gone all day. It’s crazy but I can leave a note on the front door with some kind of excuse saying I had a job interview or another excuse. There is no way that I can face both of them in person anymore. I think that if I confronted them directly in anger and defending myself that my Narc mom and cousin would become more wild and crazy and actually carry out some of their threats. It’s sad but I still feel trapped in my adult life. The only way I can deal with her phone calls is trying to be polite and change the conversation. My whole life has been trying to brush off mean verbal abuse and public shaming from my Narc family. The situation seems hopeless until my Narc mom finally passes away. I may have to deal with legal action in the future if they push me too far or attempt breaking into my home.

In my life, nobody understands that I fear my crazy family. I really don’t miss my father after his death, but it hurts me when long time family friends think that I was actually close to my father and it was a great loss. The truth be told is that I was secretly glad to be free from a verbally abusive father who always sided with his Narc wife and adopted cousin. If I worry too much I will make myself sick and lose sleep. The last thing that I need right now is having a major illness due to stress while waiting for these problems to clear. Everyday I must force myself to relax by spending time on my computer a lot and doing crochet/art and reading books.

I appreciate any advice here. Thanks everybody. Blessings!

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Yvonne,

I am so sorry that you live in fear, and the people you fear are related to you. I have always found it weird that people can’t understand why one would not care if your parent passed away. If the parent did not care about you and/or treated you badly; why the hell would you care if they were dead? I hope you can see that these “family friends” never knew the truth about your parents and even if you told them they still might not believe you. Just because they may have found him to be a “nice” person does not make him one. The same for your mother. Please try not to worry. I know this is easier said than done. I have been in the position before of being so stressed out over crappy family members that I lost sleep. I was glad when my father-in-law passed away. He was a pain in the ass and at the end he was so selfish that he put us through stuff that he should not have put us through. A couple of days after he died my husband got bronchitis. I hope you can stay calm and be okay.

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Andria,

Thanks for your letter. I try not to live in fear but I’m human and there are days when I feel lost and scared. I hope and pray that I can hang on until my mother’s death. My Narc mom turns 83 years old in December and without having her husband to harass, there is really nothing left for her anymore. The big family house has been relisted and I have faith that it will sell next year.

It seems as if I’m playing a kind of chess game where no one can trust the next player. My entire life since I was a child has been trying to outwit my mother and stay safe. There were excuses made for buying necessary school supplies and cosmetics. It’s interesting how these Narc people cannot give or share anything. They are never content with how much they have and their house is never luxurious enough for them. I sincerely wish that my Narc mom could have found religion or even a single hobby to pass away her time.

Christmas is coming and I cannot worry about it. I actually sent my Narc mom an expensive cake made by a Catholic monastery with a card. Since my Narc cousin got divorced now he can visit my mom more. I believe that he will take a special trip to visit her alone. My excuse for not visiting is that my budget is very tight and I can’t afford to drive there. There is NO WAY that I am spending Christmas at her house alone! They can’t make me drive there. I think that if Narc mom and cousin threaten me to visit my house that I will leave a note on the door and leave for the day.

My mom actually had a minor fight recently with a neighbor—a good neighbor who formerly helped her drive to the store and run errands. The neighbor came over with a visiting young adult relative who made a remark about Arizona houses(stucco/tile roofs) saying that my mom’s house looked like the Flintstone’s house(old cartoon). I guess that northern states’ people are not accustomed to seeing a different style of house with rocks in the front yard—(although it’s a big luxury house with a view and amenities). My crazy mom started insulting her back and asked the neighbor to leave! This crazy mom is now a bit senile in my humble opinion! Who cares about that stupid Flintstones cartoon! LOL! Nothing ever makes any sense when you’re dealing with Narc people. Luckily, my mom found a local non-profit group helping the elderly/disabled where you pay them a small fee and they can come to your home and drive you for shopping and also do house cleaning,too. So, Narc mom has to continually destroy every nice person in her path, like a dangerous hurricane with nothing left.

I count the days off my calendar and rejoice in another week, and then another month. I will be happy after the New Year. Yes, I am very metaphysical and two extremely gifted psychic readers gave me messages saying that my Narc mom will not last too much longer—less than a year. When that day comes and my mom has died, I will cry and cry tears of joy at home behind closed doors. I will have a great release of emotion that it’s finally over with this woman. I have been dreaming of this day since I was a little girl to be free and wondering what it would feel like. My only regret is not moving far away when I was younger to a new state but I had no idea how bad that they were!

Why must she continually scream on the phone and verbally terrorize me? I will get legal help or security around my house if my cousin is too crazy.

It’s true that my Narc mom has fooled many people. When you’re a good talker and a good actress you can easily get on others’ good side. I have too many stories about meeting good talkers in my life who turned out to be not so nice people! I remember how hard it was when I was younger and working at my string of past customer service jobs in fast food and retail stores as a cashier. I am a NICE person and polite, but I was so traumatized by my Narc mom that it was very hard for me to make eye contact with customers and engage in the required small talk. There was a woman manager who simply hated me and she confused being loud and talkative with being a nice person. I was told to, “be nice to the customers” and the manager thought I was being rude or something. She was definitely NOT a nice woman in her office with the other coworkers.

I have healed so much of my unhappy child abuse issues. There is way too much to tell here but I understand so much of what THEY did to me! When I became an older college student(like 15 years ago), I had an instructor insult me in her office. I remember that she was quite rough and intrusive and nasty toward me. Now I understand more and I believe that I may have been silently suffering a bit of PTSD, with major anxiety issues. However, I was not a bad person, but quiet and reserved. This seems to part and parcel of abuse toward introverts by the extroverts who want to “change” us. Funny how I have never wanted to “change” these extroverts to make them like me! LOL! It’s a sad world when others do not understand abuse victims like us. I can’t even have a long talk with my coworker BFF and she just changes the conversation. It’s a tough world out there with very few safe people to talk to. I am thankful for EFB and youtube videos on child abuse, narcissism, and other sites. I would really have no one to hear me now.

Blessed Be,

Yvonne

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Yvonne,

So sorry that you have to deal with that craziness of your mother. I understand why you will cry tears of joy when she is gone.

There is definitely not a shortage of people who want to be mean to others like that woman supervisor that you had. I always figure it’s them that has the problem, but they can make problems for you because of their nastiness.

I am glad for you that you have healed many of your childhood abuse issues. There are definitely people who trigger things in us when they treat us in unkind ways. I understand that it is hard for people to listen with an attentive ear. I think Darlene had a guest writer on EFB say something to the effect that a lot of times friends and others cannot listen to your story of your pain and hold space for you because they have not dealt with their own pain. In essence they don’t have the capacity to help you or even be able to listen at all. Perhaps that is the deal with your coworker BFF. Yes, it is hard to find “safe” people to dialog with. I too am thankful for EFB and other things on the internet.

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Yvonne and Andria,

I have to admit that one of my downfalls is empathy in some scenarios. (It’s a bit of a wonder why I’m on this site to begin with.) If I were to make a career change, I won’t want to be a counselor or therapist. I think it’s because I’ve been giving “free therapy” to my mother since childhood. I was scolded for telling her about being bullied, but I had to listen to her diatribes about how she hated her job, our father she divorced, and how it’s up to my siblings and I to accomplish what she failed to do. I guess I’m tired of “being understanding”.

The part of the reason why I’m a loner is because I wouldn’t have to deal with others’ baggage, and listening to others problems (depending on the problem) is a turn-off for me at times. The odd thing is if I could relate to it, I have empathy, but if I can’t, it’s hard to connect. For example, I could relate to getting flak for loner behavior, but I can’t relate to losing a spouse because I don’t plan to get married.

Another example of having to keep my haphazard empathy in check is there are times when I say something insensitive, and don’t notice until someone calls me on it. If you’re familiar with the deaths of John Nash and his wife, they died in a car crash because they weren’t wearing seat belts. When I heard about it, the first thought that popped into my mind was, “It was sad they died, but they could’ve prevented it by wearing seat belts.” That statement would probably infuriate someone, and I’m working on giving something careful thought before saying something.

I know what I have written sounds callous, but at least I have the audacity to reveal a dark side of me.

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S1988,

I think it is perfectly natural to have more empathy in some scenarios than others. Of course you cannot “relate” to losing a spouse. Socially, you give your condolences, but it does not mean that you feel this deeply.

Everyone has a dark side, but I don’t think your statement about the Nash couple is “bad”. It is merely stating a fact that the news already stated. Some people may call you out about a statement like that, but I believe their call out would be more about how they think than about what you said. Myself, I would agree with you. Sad that they died, but we all know seat belts save lives!

Like you, many times I give careful thought before saying something. In a social environment you learn your coworkers or friends likes and dislikes. If a certain type of remark that I find unoffensive sets a certain person off; I make a mental note and refrain from these conversations with them.

That really sucks what your mother did to you. She didn’t want to hear any of your problems which is HER JOB being a parent, but you were supposed to help her with her stuff plus fulfill HER DREAMS which may or may not be YOUR DREAMS. That to me is the definition of an extremely selfish person.

From what you wrote here S1988, you should not be hard on yourself. I don’t find what you wrote here callous in the least.

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Andria,

Thank you for your comments. I guess I was a little concerned about my empathy levels since I have memories of being chided for making an insensitive statement, and not realizing it until someone said something. It also made me think about my pet peeve related to certain self-help books. What I don’t like about some of them is that they focus more on anecdotes than practical solutions. When I read those type of books, I think, “I picked up this book to try to solve my problems, not to read other people’s stories.” Maybe reading others’ stories help some people with their issues, but it’s a nuisance for me. “To each his own,” as they say.

It also doesn’t help that my siblings are on our mother’s side, which makes me second-guess myself at times. However, there are times when I feel a bit sorry for them. Sometimes, I wonder if they’re pursuing their career paths because they want to or if they’re only doing it to please our mother. Maybe there are times when they wish they can pursue their real dreams instead of feeling like they have to be her saviors. I’m not sure. If that’s the case, they can stop if they want to. It’s not like they’re powerless children who would be punished if they disagree. But, I’m not sure it’ll ever happen since they cater her so much. I guess that’s the upside of being the “not so great” child. There aren’t as many expectations from me like there are for the “great” ones.

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Hi S1988,

Here’s a thought I had on your factual observation concerning the Nash couple’s accident:

You are not saying (or thinking) “They weren’t wearing seat belts, therefore they deserved it and there’s no need for me to waste sympathy here.” But some people jump there; maybe because they hear the original statement as victim-blaming, maybe because there’s some truth in the factual observation of negligence and they don’t want to hear it, maybe because they think everyone who doesn’t feel and react as they do is wrong and calloused, maybe because people are generally eager to think the worst of others.

I read a novel once (The Gauguin Connection by Estelle Ryan) about an austistic woman who, while highly gifted, was constantly offending people with her blunt observations. Society needs people who can deal with crime, fraud and abuse objectively, without having their judgement swayed (toward a charismatic perpetrator instead of the wreck of a victim, perhaps!) by the fuzzy wuzzies, but I don’t think it really wants them.

For what it’s worth.

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Tripleguess,

I appreciate your insights. (Though, I’m not autistic since I don’t thrive on rigid routines. I do spend a lot of time alone, and live a somewhat uneventful life, however, but I find much peace in that.)

Yes, I never thought they deserved it, but I was surprised a genius like Nash (and his wife) neglected to do something so simple.

Advising people to take precautions isn’t victim-blaming, just common sense. For example, no one deserves to have a possession stolen, but it doesn’t mean it’s okay to leave a car or home unlocked.

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S1988,

I understand how it feels to be on the outside of the family looking in. It is natural to do the second-guessing. I did it for years.

I am pretty sure my sister became a lawyer because my parents started telling her as a small child that she would be a great lawyer because she argued with everyone so much. I never was into pleasing my parents too much. I did things that pleased me and made me proud of me. They never said it to me, but I know they did not like that about me. So like you put it: I was the “not so great” child.

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Sorry to share and I know its off topic but I have to write this as its circling in my head and its sending me mad, I decided to go no contact with my narcissistic mother earlier this year because the lying and backstabbing were just to much and it was sending me to a horrible dark depression, as a result my father (still married to mother) decided to send me nasty text messages basically saying that unless I be the person they want me to be I am outcast from the family they havent bothered to contact me since. Moving on to this week I recieve a christmas card from aunty (my mothers sister) she always writes a catch up with whats happening in the family its a nice gesture. Anyway she writes that my mother had a health scare earlier in the year and has lost lots of weight, of course I’m then thinking whats wrong, as nobody has bothered to tell me so I call my aunty and we have a nice chat and she tells me my mother was hospitalised due to high blood pressure and stress (no doubt caused by my complete inability to be the family scapegoat anymore) now I feel upset that I wasnt kept in the loop which is stupid really as I did walk away and sad that I can’t have a family who are normal or at least more normal than they are. I know you may all think what an idiot I am but it sucks I wish I could forget about these people as they have been truly horrible to me and were never there for me as a kid through to now but I cant, sorry but thank you all for listening.

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jojo,

No need to give any apologies. There are so many on Darlene’s site that experience nearly the same experience you describe: myself being one of them. Your post is not off topic. It is exactly on topic.

You are not stupid. You get caught up in this crazy cycle of wanting to be left alone by your family, but then wanting to be in the loop like everyone else. Don’t blame yourself for not wanting to be the scapegoat anymore. I always got the wrath of my sister and mother. My dad was the passive aggressive abuser. My mother has been dead since 1999, but the dynamic in the family is like she never died. When I decided I was not going to be the scapegoat anymore that is when the attacks and the abuse got ramped up. I am NC with my sister and her family and my father.

It is hard to just forget about these people because you have so much history with them and it is not a good history. It is sad not to be in a normal family, but I had to accept that if I wanted my self esteem and mental health I had to cut loose of these people. Once you begin to recognize what is happening and what they are doing to you; you begin to have an intolerance to this type of treatment from anyone.

It sucks big time jojo, but I can never forget about my family either. As time goes on, you get used to the fact that these people don’t care about me and never cared about me. I’m not saying that it does not hurt big time, but be gentle with yourself and feel the grief because it is a grieving process, and the process may not happen quick enough for you but things will get better with time. This is still a very fresh wound for you. You may have good days and bad days. This is normal. It is kind of like a divorce which I have heard said is like a death. The real bad thing about it is that you were rejected by the family which should be a haven of safety. It is an ultimate betrayal.

I hope you have a good weekend. Try not to beat yourself up for things you think you should have done or should not have done. In my case, I believe things are finally right in my life. If people cannot treat you with decency they truly do not have a place in your life.

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Hi Jojo
No need to apologize for making a decision that is right for YOU. If you think about the reason you had to make this decision, and the truth about what happened as you have explained in your comment, is it really YOU that walked away? just some food for thought.
hugs and thanks for sharing. hang in there!
Darlene

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Thank you Andria and Darlene, your words mean so much in a sea of how did it get to this? I know I have made the right choice but its sad to be consistently rejected by the people who should be your protectors in the world. I have no children partly as I didnt/ dont (not sure if its because of what we went through as kids) want them but I have four beautiful nephews through my husbands side of my family and a fantastic sister in law and I know I’m lucky. I look at these energetic fun and beautiful kids and I cant imagine not having them in my life but more importantly I cant imagine ever hurting them which makes the whole situation with my family of origin so much more acute as they clearly dont give a damn. I feel very blessed to be a part of the efb community what Darlene has created is a miracle and I thank you more than you will ever know for this. Thank you xxx

125

As a mother who did everything right – took care of her children etc. it took one maladjusted husband to begin the process of PAS – I never realised it.
My daughter and son are no longer in my life. They are models of their narcissistic sociopath father. I did nothing to deserve either his treatment or their treatment. When I put up the boundaries – I was told I was awful, not a good parent and self-centred, delusional, crazy and expected to be at their whim.
Let’s face it – for those who have been good parents – our kids have turned out rotten, and we are not to blame. I no longer read about all the excuses given ‘why’ they as Adults are not responsible for their actions. Phooney. They certainly have reasoning ability and know what is right and wrong – even if they try to forget what is in their heart and not their mind. I am fed up with excuses from those who never been there and those who feel that the alienated parent is responsible. That is simply no true. PAS adults are responsible. They are responsible for their actions, misdeeds and the burdens they so call blame everyone for. I am sick of hearing ‘shut them out but not permanently.’ No matter how it hurts me, they have no goodness and no love. Why would I want them around me or in my life. They will add misery, unhappiness and a constant reminder of ‘what I did wrong’ but dare I mention their bad behaviours and treatment of me – they don’t want to know. It’s about time someone writes a book on the selfishness of Adult PAS people – they are responsible after the age of 18 for their own actions.

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Hi Missourikid
It is really horrible when one parent successfully throws the other parent under the bus. I totally understand that. That isn’t really what this blog is about though.
I also want to mention that kids who are raised in this kind of dysfunction don’t simply become able to make the greatest choices just because they turn 18. Although it may not be you that was the primary abuser, there WAS an abuser who has modelled this type of relationship style to them.
Thanks for sharing. hugs, Darlene

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jojo,

I wrote this comment this morning but accidentally sent it just to Darlene…

I just got this update and had to respond right away to let you know you’re not alone in feeling the internal struggle of knowing what’s best for you but maybe still hoping for that “normalcy”. I do the same thing on occasion. But I always find the “thinking” about it even brings me nothing but anxiety/turmoil so staying in the loop would be even worse and back to the same old cycle. I would love nothing more than for my narc mom & sister to just take their share of responsibility in the relationship but because they are narcs I know that will never happen. I just do my best to really take a step back and remember how far I’ve come and how much healthier I am. Although I might always long for that normal relationship with a loving mom & sister…they would have to want the same thing and they’ve made it very clear they don’t, unless it is on their terms. Very sad for them truly, a sad way to live. I hope you find some comfort in knowing that no…you are not an idiot or alone for craving something that should be a normal part of parent/child relationships. Hugs and prayers to you and stay strong! And…you are in no way responsible for her health…we are all responsible for our own health!!

Also…I looked back at something that Darlene said to me when I first found Emerging from Broken that had really made sense to me. She said…”The hard part in recovery is getting the logic to match up with the emotional but it can happen.” Don’t be too hard on yourself…it’s a process!

128

Missourikid identified herself as a mother, and mentioned “Boundaries.” Ok, got me thinking……

Apparently, my mom’d “boundaries” about what “respect” is far different than my “boundaries.” To her, “Respect” seems to mean, “always say yes, never say no, and always agree with her.”

This violates my boundaries. Thus, I cannot have a good relationship with her. Her “definition” is warped, and her “Boundaries” make ME the bad person.

I have only read one post from Missourikid,haven’t read others, so I may be wrong in a projection here, but I’m guessing Missourikid wants to understand (unlike MY mom….)

Ok, what do you do when “boundaries” keep both parties out? I think my mom is warped and has some “entitlement” mentality about respect, yet she thinks I’m the bad person…..

129

basically saying that unless I be the person they want me to be I am outcast from the family

At least your parents ADMIT it. My mom won’t even admit this is what she wants. She says she “Just wants me to be HAP-PEEEEE” but what she won’t admit is she wants me to be like HER!

My mom never says what she mans, nor does she mean what she says. Except a long time ago on a phone conversation, she blurted out, “I don’t care one IOTA about YOUR feelings.” I got this after forcing a “Law and Order SVU Interrogation” thing. Mom will never ever get to unring this bell….

It also made me think about my pet peeve related to certain self-help books. What I don’t like about some of them is that they focus more on anecdotes than practical solutions.

Oh man, thank you for saying this! I sort of noticed this, but didn’t get the “AHA” moment until you SAID it.

S1998, regarding your seatbelt comment….. Technically you are correct. But I will refute your statement and say, “It’s not always about the seatbelt.” During my youth, I have had three car accidents, all three my fault, I was NOT wearing seat belts, and I should have been hurt or died, and I walked from them. Fortunately, no one else was hurt either. All I can say is the “angels” wanted me alive and walking for some reason……

130

re Hobie’s comment ‘the whole world is nuts’ yes it feels like that to me too, for example there is a sign before the toll bridge reading ‘YOU HAVE COMMITTED an offence if toll charge is not paid by 3 days….’ the toll charge is $2
that sign sticks in my mind as a world not making sense the threat of having committed an offence for not paying $2 bridge toll by 3 days compared to when reporting child abuse the uphill battle the victim has to go through to get action to protect children against abusers. I made complaint to child protecton 3 times coming in through their complaints department a fourth time and on followup last week taking time off work to go in to follow up my report of concern only to find that they had deemed the report as not having evidence so it was closed, I asked what evidence they had received the employee looked at what i had and said well we didn’t have all this information i said well good now you have it, she said i can’t accept it sorry as the case has been closed it it has to come in through the main centre as a new notification of concern you are doing the right thing but you need to do another report of concern!!!. go figure!!! Yep the whole world is nuts its upside down to how it should be. I’ve resorted into contacting members of my abusers community via social media telling them so they know the facts so they don’t leave their children with the one who abused me. Social media is an option but hard to measure its effectiveness as society in general lacks courage to say thank you for the warning. meanwhile ive probably committed an offence having forgotten to pay my $2 road toll,,,,,

131

I just published my Christmas post!

For years people have been asking me to address the issue of going no contact and how to decide what to do when it comes to our children; here is the article: ” Do my parents have a Right to See my Children if They don’t Love me?”

Hope you like it!
hugs, Darlene

132

Worst is when it’s a sibling who is the perpetrator and your own mother not only witnesses it but years later when you come out about it in hopes to find some type of repair…she not only denies it happens but disowns you and continues a relationship w my sibling who abused me.

133

I want to wish everyone here a “Merry Christmas”, no matter how or whom you wish to spend it with. There is so much to be grateful, I know that I can’t change others as that is out of my hands and goes for my family members as well, but I can change what I do for myself and how happy I choose to be and that is the greatest gift I can ever give to myself! For me, no more wallowing in self-pity, I always have a choice to make my life better. I cannot change the past and the past needs to stay the past as it doesn’t serve me. But each new day awaits and I have the power to make it whatever I choose it to be. I can smile and be happy because no one can do it for me. It has taken a long time and a heavy load to realize that the more I focus I what I lost or didn’t get from my family the more happiness I lose for myself and quite frankly that is not an option. Did the hurt go away overnight, no it did not, but in coming to terms with all of it was freedom and peace and there is nothing better than that. So today, on Christmas I spent it with my family many whom have hurt me to my core and yes I enjoyed the day as I chose to, for me. We still have small children in my family and I truly enjoyed them today. I can’t change the one’s who didn’t speak to me but I realized how far I came today as it didn’t bother me at all, I never got upset and retreated to a different room, no, I never lost my peace and truly enjoyed today regardless of how other’s treated me as my choice was to enjoy myself and I did just that.

134

My step dad is the perpetrator, he targets males sexually
and has had me sexually assaulted and raped by 5 different men . I wont go down without a fight . Right is right and wrong is unacceptable … Everyone believes and thinks I’m not well mentally yeah well go through all that battery in 1 year you’d be a little off your game too. I want to speak for those who had no choice and his future targets I have lived with the fraud for 12 yrs. I cannot just sit and protect him while he’s. Forming A crazy mob to protect himself and his secrets

135

Hi “headedoffabridge”
Welcome to Emerging from broken. I am sure that you will find lots of information and insight here in this website that will comfort you. Thanks for sharing,
Hugs, Darlene

Hi Sara,
Welcome to Emerging from Broken.
Yes, exactly. Thanks you for sharing,
hugs, Darlene

136

Hi Darlene and All,

I don’t know where to begin but I am having more issues with the adopted Narc cousin. I know that I touched upon this before but he never quits! The Narc cousin enjoys sending emails to me regarding my elderly Narc mom. He is trying to take control of everything like my parent’s house listed for sale (for sale by owner).

His most recent email is again scary and unbelievable. He wrote that he will be retired from the military after 20 years of service. He is planning to move to my city and look for jobs. But get this—he may attend a real estate school in my city. Then he wrote that he may want to actually move into my house in July to live while he is attending this school! Unbelievable! I can’t believe how bold and nasty and controlling this SOB jerk really is! Well, this is NOT happening!

My name is on the house title and I also live in a model home community and the HOA also has the homeowner listed in their records. Their is no way in heck that this idiot can just move in with me because he feels like it! I don’t know what is wrong with him. He claims that he would be gone for most of the day. He did not mention paying any rent but I would not have him living in my house for a million dollars!

The question is what does this idiot Narc cousin want and why can’t he leave me alone for one second. He knows that we don’t like each other or get along. What does he want? Does he want to torment me? Does he want to steal my important papers? Does he want to rife through my cherished memories and steal items? Is he trying to lie and take over my house by the retarded laws like squatters’ rights? He is NOT that poor and can rent a motel room. I don’t trust him for one minute.

When my father died in the hospital last year, the first thing that the medical staff did was to throw away his pants (with wallet and keys in pockets) and clothing. This was actually good since there was a copy of my house key with the other keys together. So, now my mom and cousin cannot just come over to my house to snoop around without a key to enter. I do not visit my Narc mom’s house in the other smaller town (about 2 1/2 hour drive from my house). The Narc mom and cousin still talk about wanting to come over and visit me. Why?

The Narc cousin will NEVER live in my house. I really don’t know if this is a serious idea or another threat to rattle my cage. I am not sending him an angry email reply back because it will go back to my Narc mom and create more fighting. I can argue the fact that since I’m female that I do not want a male roommate living in my house.
If this SOB cousin ever tried to just move into my house with all of his belongings, then I would call the police when he is here and have him arrested or thrown out. I could wave my house title in their faces and have the HOA from my home community on my side, too. It’s not too swift to have a police record in a new town when you’re seeking a new job and place.

Of course the ultimate weapon that I can have is renting out the bedroom to a new female roommate. It’s almost as if this Narc cousin views me as an easy target since I live alone. I sincerely wish that I had a romantic man relationship living together (or soon to be living together) who could move into my house.

I am not totally sure what will happen in the future. My Narc mom just turned 83 years old and she is not in the best of health. I have NO love for any of my family members. It was a shame that my father died first and when he died so did the last traces of any decency whatsoever. I am NOT afraid of my Narc cousin and mom in a physical sense. I am concerned about them trying to control me or take over my affairs in a business sense. If I had to call the police I would. It would be good to embarrass him and teach him a lesson.

I know that I have mentioned many times here on this site that I am a very metaphysical person (Druid/Wicca) and involved in all positive divination, alternative healing, and magic. I have had a couple of recent psychic readings with gifted readers and they both say independently that my mom will die soon like in 2016 and her house will sell about the same time. She could go soon before the hot summer months. Then I would have to deal with my Narc cousin and woman lawyer in the other town to settle my parent’s business affairs. I know that the Narc cousin would love to take over and steal everything but I know that he can’t the way things have been set up.

I think that the Narc cousin views me as being “easy” or “dumb”. He has no respect for education (I have a BA Degree) and erroneously believes that I am “shy” and cannot defend myself. He thinks that I have no common sense or street smarts, but only academic, like I was over-sheltered growing up. He believes that I have no friends and have not had any serious male relationships. I am not worried about him threatening to move into my house in July! It just won’t happen but I am amazed by his insane control issue ideas! If my crazy Narc mom insists that this is a wonderful idea, I guess that I will nod my head and kind of pretend to agree to it.

Do you think that the Narc cousin really wants to go to jail by moving into my house? It seems as if these Narcs push so hard that hopefully they screw themselves in the end. It’s kind of like stories about these arrogant Narc criminals who believe that they will never get caught since they are so clever and above everyone else.

I am just so tired of it all. The Narc cousin just wants to destroy me until the very end of my Narc mom’s death and then some. I am open to all suggestions and help here. Thanks for reading.

Blessed Be,

Yvonne 🙂

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Nikki post 132 – Yes!!! My sister will bully me in a covert way, and my mother will go along with it. It’s all very subtle yet powerful. For example, my sister will do something excluding (like not giving me information about a family visit so I won’t know it’s happening)and when my mother finds this out she says that “it was a confusing time” and “I can’t believe she would do that on purpose”.

This makes me so angry! If I bring it up, sister will deny and mother will say she doesn’t want to discuss it any more. I have disengaged with my mother and am pulling back from my sister. Very dysfunctional and the only way to deal with this is to leave.

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Yvonne,

That takes some nerve!!! He didn’t even ask you, he told you. He sounds very aggressive. If I were in your shoes, I would consider going to the police dept. before anything ever happens – perhaps just sit down and talk with the police and ask what they suggest and what the laws are. Then there would be something reported as a concern before anything happens. There may very well be squatter’s rights, etc.

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Hi Light,

Yes, I understand. I am sorry for what this country has become with numerous true horror stories online. My situation now is that I am job searching and my money is tight. My name is on the house title and not his name! I have lived in my house for five years without problems from him.

There are differences between laws for trespassing versus squatter’s rights. If someone tries to break a window or door, etc. and force themself into the house to live then it’s called trespassing and a crime. If the homeowner can call the police immediately they can be removed. A squatter can invite themself into the house with a key or an open window. Sometimes there are scams involving renters moving into foreclosed homes. You can call the police and report them. There have been stories where the homeowner has hired an attorney to take these squatters to court for eviction. I will save his emails and print them for evidence. I may go directly to the police department first if he is still threatening me like this in July. I have evidence including the copy of my house title, HOA statements, and drivers license.

What I don’t understand is why this SOB cannot leave me alone? I could complain and go back to my Narc mom with this email but she defends the Narc cousin golden child. He is always the hero and it’s my fault for not understanding or liking him. Translation: they are both the same type. I really don’t want him to move to my city in the future but I can’t control everything about him. I am concerned that he may just come over to my house anytime and bang on the door when I have company visiting. He just wants to harass and attack me. Sadly, his daughter lives with her mother in a small town in my state. I can take future legal action like getting a restraining order on him at work.

I read that there are legal papers that you can file. They say NEVER physically try to harm a squatter. There are times when a squatter can have an eviction forced by a sheriff and if they won’t go peacefully then it’s jail for them. Hahaha…..LOL! So, no he can’t win and it would not be good with a police record when you’re going to to school and looking for jobs in a new town.

For the record, I did nothing to provoke him in the past, not one bit, when he first moved into my parent’s house when I was a teenager–(I’m five years older than him). He took one look at me and instantly hated me since I am the biological daughter of my parents and I was there first. I do not communicate with him at all. I do not call him or send him a Christmas card. I don’t reply back to his nasty and controlling emails. I think that he wants to purposely upset me so I choose to ignore him.

What do you think of him? Is he really aggressive or just plain dumb or both? I take back my power when I ignore him. I think that he wants a good fight and I won’t give it to him.

I am not worrying about this and refuse to lose any sleep over him. I will visualize a positive outcome. Thanks for any support in advance.

Yvonne 🙂

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Hi Yvonne,

Anyone who announces that they might come live with you sounds very entitled and aggressive. Does he have trouble with authority figures/the police/etc.? Has he or your mom crossed physical boundaries like coming into your home uninvited, taking your possessions, etc.?

I’ve been reading about narcissists, and for some narcissists they are fed by creating upset in their targets. This sounds like what you are describing when you say ” I think that he wants to purposely upset me so I choose to ignore him.”

For you or anyone, here is a GREAT detailed list of characteristics of a narcissist. I don’t think it necessarily has to be a mother:

http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/characteristics-of-narcissistic-mothers/

When they create chaos it makes them feel better to be on top, in control, and that they “win”. From what I understand it has to do with profound shame and low self-esteem.

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I always believe the accuser. I know first had the crap they tell to make you believe it was your fault.

142

I have always let my abusers get their way, which therefore has led for the content written in this article to completely resonate with me. Now for the story: love my younger sister even if I hate the fact that she’s entertained my father’s favouritism, which has sometimes led for words like: “Kuya (which means older brother in the Filipino language) I am better than you” and or “I can do this, you can’t”. Then when I react she’s like: “Just joking, why are you so hostile?” Whilst I admit that she’s brainier and a lot more talented, that doesn’t mean that I paid someone to do my essays in high school or University. I still managed to get credit, regardless of how terribly composed some of my efforts were (*Breaths* Alright drama over). Regardless of all that, we have a great relationship, which has occasionally allowed me to be able to reveal the true colours of our father and maternal grandmother to her (which thankfully she didn’t tell me to just suck up and be a man for). Because of my experiences from those two, I felt obligated and pressured to see to it that my sister won’t ever face the same wrath and fury. Boy did I fail myself in fulfilling that duty guys.

Never did I think that my father can distribute the same amount of pain to someone who he favours over me. Anyway the story: 2013 or 2014 Grandma became addicted to Facebook (ever since we have mistakenly decided to create an account for her). Her addiction to the ego boosters of “Likes”, “Comments” and “Shares” have led her to be more conscious about her seemingly fat body, thinking that her figure won’t result in more likes, comments and shares from her many “fans”. So she decided to enrol in a gym to start losing weight (which honestly to me hasn’t even produced or yet to produce a single result for her) and okay here come the flood of comments on FB like “Omg 64 with a 20 yr old body” (Okay that wasn’t really said, but you get the drill there were comments about how proud they were of her for having the initiative and the drive to commit to a fitness program in our local gym).

Now for where I failed as an older brother to my younger sister: As my grandma was finally starting to look “sexy”, her self-righteous narcissistic attitude has skyrocketed up to a whole other dimension. Before I cut to the chase, I to have subscribed to a gym program to which has produced some results (Though I am still awaiting my 6-8pack abs and toned arms). However I have never told any fat friend of mine or family member the words: “Haha I am losing weight, which means you are not!” (Okay maybe once I told my sister that but our relationship was the kind where we can just tell each other to shut up before the much awaited kiss and make up) Can you guess what’s about to happen next? MY SISTER BECAME THE TARGET OF MY GRANDMOTHER

One time, Mom, Dad, sis and I were at the dining table (occurred during 2013) enjoying a nice meal for dinner, when my “strikingly gorgeous” grandmother just walked in from her gym session or wherever the hell she came from. *Trumpet roll* My grandma, who casually stood alongside the kitchen bench, waiting for the kettle to boil for her coffee, decided to eye on my sister and said “Omg look at her, still fat and miserable not even getting an ounce of exercise, whilst here I am looking great.” As the tears flowed down my sister’s face, my heart shattered (history repeating itself right before my eyes and what sucks is I couldn’t do anything for her). My Mom could have easily put my grandma in her right place (But that’s her mother so I guess I’d let it slide). Then my father of whom I thought would rescue his favourite child just allowed my sister to cry during dinner and even managed to sneak in a casual conversation composed of: “So my daughter, it’s your final two years of high school, what subjects have you chosen to pursue, that will be of use for your dream degree at University.” My sister, still crying, named her subjects, but I can tell that the damage was just to harmful for her, that if she decided not to comply, she would probably cop more abuse if she reacts even more. I found out last year that my Dad actually confronted grandma dearest about this. Did he really? Honestly I don’t even know anymore and nor should I care. But regardless they have both forever scarred my sister and the sad thing is, I was also a contributor to that scar for not protecting her from the same experiences I have encountered from those two. There folks, I failed myself and my sister so badly. I, just as the article title suggests, have let the perpetrators get away with what they have done, letting them live an apple pie life of which they so don’t even deserve.

Did I mention that my Dad has started to have the drive to lose weight to? Oh yeah he has started drinking lemon water, which has apparently resulted in him going down a few shirt sizes. Oh instead of taking the elevator to work he takes the stairs, very good! I have in the present, maintained my weight and figure and have not returned to my original weight (From 115kg to 83ish) and my Dad from time to time has gone up to me and say: “I am even fatter than you son” (Truer words have never been spoken Dad, oh oops sorry I shouldn’t have said that!) But the time where I really felt the lack of sincerity in those words was this recent situation. My Dad gave me some of his size 46 shirts, because he apparently doesn’t fit them anymore or he feels entitled to wear 44. As a slight retaliation, I was like so you are suggesting something since I you’re giving me these? But to save face, he was like uh no it’s just height difference or whatever. I am fatter than you anyway son, so take these size 46 shirts. They may come in handy for your next interview, he says. (Whatever you condescending prick).

As my therapy for situations like these, I occasionally call my grandmother fat now (I know I shouldn’t have right) or I juice out all the lemons before Dad could even drink his sorry excuse of a beverage for exercise. Immature yes, but they’re just brushing it off anyway so yeah.

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I am reading your post, and nodding in agreement. I cannot help but think that there is a serious problem with many abuse cases, in that the perpetrator is able to get away with it. I am of the opinion that society allows perpetrators to get away with it – not necessarily doing this deliberately, but doing this out of complete ignorance.

People who find themselves dealing with a situation where they know somebody is being abused appear to suffer from a multitude of problems, and serious misconceptions. Even those who would, with all the good and well-meaning intent in the world, attempt to offer assistance can get it very wrong.

First out – as you rightly point out – abusers can be very manipulative. They will go out of their way to hide the abuse, or, if a victim speaks out, they will attempt to slander the victim and make everything the victims says appear like lies. Abusers are very good at creating a false persona – a mask that they use in order to fool people. So, the people they know they have to impress, or people that they are wary of, get a sort of “schmoozing” offensive directed towards them. This is the abuser’s attempt to ingratiate him/herself with anyone that the abuser wants to keep “on side”. Abusers create a false persona of respectability and trustworthiness in the hope that people will be duped by it. As a result, some abusers may like to set themselves up as “pillars of the community” – joining charities, social groups, things like Freemasons and the Rotary Club… These are all things for the abuser to hide behind; they all give a false air of respectability. They make the abuser appear kind, caring, charitable, hardworking, philanthropic… Anything that the abuser hopes onlookers will be fooled by.

Sadly, onlookers are fooled – VERY easily. For the abuser, it’s all about appearances. Just as an abuser plays with his/her own appearance, pretending to be good, kind, caring; so an abuser will also play with the victim’s appearance. The abuser wants to make the victim appear like a liar, a fraud, or else “crazy”. So, once the abuser has got onlookers to believe the lie that the abuser is a “good” person, it is even easier to get them to believe the lie that the victim is a “bad” person. The abuser uses what amounts to a “smear campaign” – finding out as much that is negative about the victim as possible, and then spreading this malicious gossip. Or, worse, making things up.

It seems to me that onlookers are not very good at asking questions; they come to the wrong conclusions far too quickly. In believing all the false claims that the abuser makes – claiming to be good, kind, caring – onlookers set the stage for the abuser to get away with the abuse. Furthermore, if onlookers also believe an abuser’s lies about the victim, this adds to the likelihood that an abuser may get away with it. Abusers LOVE to hide behind VICTIM BLAMING.

Victim blaming can take many forms, one of which is the above. ALL forms give abusers excuses, and allow them the chance to get away with abuse. Often, victim blaming takes the form of questions. These questions always have a similar theme… They are along the lines of “Why does so-and-so let it happen?”. There seems to be an assumption that victims somehow “attract” abuse, or “let it happen”. Victim blamers will ask why victims do not do more to try to stop the abuse happening. They never seem to consider the fact that a victim may be trying everything possible to stop the abuse. Or, that a victim may be too scared to try anything at all.

Sadly, even Counsellors and Therapists can fall into this problematic behaviour, and become victim blamers. This happens often when a Counsellor or Therapist becomes convinced that a victim has the “power to change his/her own situation”, without really considering what that situation involves. Therapists and Counsellors who fall into victim blaming may make comments to victims such as “You need to change your perspective”, “You need to alter the way you see and respond to the situation”, “You cannot continue to allow matters to affect you like this”. What they are implying is that if the VICTIM could somehow CHANGE, everything would be all-right. The VICTIM should somehow be able to grow a thicker skin, somehow be able to tolerate comments or behaviours that were once hurtful… Just HOW does the Counsellor or Therapist think this will happen? In situations like this, a victim could do all the work in the world in order to become more confident and thick-skinned – BUT if an abuser wants to continue the abuse, then they WILL DO. True, insults may not be as effective if the victim becomes more thick-skinned, BUT the problem is that in some cases this will simply enrage an abuser even more, and he/she will INCREASE the level of abuse. NO amount of self-confidence or thick-skin will stop the harm of abuse, if an abuser decides to “ramp it up”. It’s all very well for Counsellors and Therapists to advise that victims become more confident and thick-skinned, in the belief that this will help them brush off abuse – IT WILL NOT STOP A FIST, A BEATING, IT WILL NOT STOP AN ABUSIVE PARENT SHAKING A CHILD, IT WILL NOT STOP AN ABUSIVE WOMAN PUNCHING HIS WIFE.

The one most important thing that ANYONE who is trying to help somebody who is being abused should know is this –
THAT WHEN A VICTIM OF ABUSE FINALLY SPOTS THAT HE/SHE IS BEING ABUSED, AND DECIDES TO DO SOMETHING TO STOP IT, THIS IS THE MOST DANGEROUS TIME. IT IS JUST LIKE IN DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. THE MOST DANGEROUS TIME IS WHEN THE VICTIM FINALLY DECIDES ENOUGH IS ENOUGH AND WANTS TO LEAVE, OR PUT AND END TO THE ABUSE.

Abusers ENJOY being abusers. They do not want to let go of their victims. This is why they do all they can to hide the abuse from anyone who could stop it. This is why they make their victims out to be liars, or mad. This is why they want nobody to believe their victims. Put simply, abuse cannot occur without a chosen victim. ABUSERS KNOW THAT.

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Dear Ellie,

You took the words right out of my mouth! I was abused twice—by both of my parents—and then you can add my abusive live-in adopted cousin, and the entire past string of therapists who could not understand or help me. I know that Darlene has an excellent article on why do others side with the abuser and NOT the victim. When I grew up, I had absolutely no idea on just how abused I was! It came out in small pieces and then seemed to snowball and move faster until I realized how big these past issues were.

I was VERY hurt and angry about having my reputation slandered by both of my parents. I don’t know why they hated me so much. I know now that they were/are very sick people. The irony of it all was that my NM and enabler father (although I’m beginning to view him also as a Narc) would try their best to slander me. They had positively NOTHING on me! I was a well behaved and excellent student. In elementary school, teachers praised my homework and liked me. I had a small circle of girlfriends, too. As an older teen, there was no juvenile delinquency, no drug or alcohol abuse, no teen pregnancy—-basically NOTHING! I was also the live-in maid who did ALL of their housework. I was not allowed to go out with friends, school activities or dating according to my NM. I can remember sitting in a “therapy” session and the therapist could not figure out what the problem was! This therapist had to ask my NM what the problem was and NM could only give her a vague, nonsensical answer.

It hurt me when my NARC parents would try to gossip and slander me to their neighbors, distant relations, and social acquaintances. These people only got one side of the story—my Narc parents—and not mine! How could these strangers believe any of these accusations if there was absolutely NO EVIDENCE! Another trick that my NARC parents did was to label me in front of others as a “spoiled brat”. They simply could not give up on finding ways to diminish me like a non-person. It’s funny but most of the neighbor kids had more toys and treats and money for their sport/hobbies than me.

I remember how my NM would try to embarrass me in front of guests at a dinner party and when I was older how I could argue back! She was so illogical that it was pathetic! My favorite comeback as an older teen was, “If you’re so smart then how come you never graduated from college or had a high-paid profession?” and “How come you’re only a high school drop-out?” (I did earn a BA Degree as an older student).

I can write many stories and examples to support this idea. My father had no involvement in my life and his world consisted of sitting in a recliner chair, with a small dish of peanuts on a side table along with the paper TV Guide, and always the same drink when he came home in the evening. When the TV set was on you didn’t dare suggest changing the channel or try having a brief conversation with him. He was always moody and grouchy and sided with his wife and never protected me! He could be physically abusive toward me, but not as bad as the NM.

There is a minor story which comes to mind that really hurt me. I’m a Gen X-er and grew up in the 70s and 80s, born in 1968. I was a bookworm as a child and had read “The Black Stallion”. Right after I read the book, they made a movie based on the book. I really wanted to see the movie. This took loads of courage, but I begged and begged my father to take me out to see this movie. The problem being that the movie theater was across town and back then there were no movie rentals on TV or computer. My father finally agreed to take me out and I knew that I would never hear the end of this wonderful gift that he could forever use against me. He dumped me at the movie theater and saw another movie next door. (My father also did this to me a few times when I was a five year old seeing Disney movies and now in today’s world he could have been arrested for abandonment!) I wasn’t afraid of being alone, just hurt that he felt that I was not important enough to spend time with and watch a kid’s movie. I remember being so excited and happy for my father actually giving me a little time and attention and sadly created a complex that my father actually cared about me. I told myself that I would hold onto and cherish this memory for years.

Fast forward to moving to a new state about 25 years later. I had moved in and out of my parent’s house a couple of times due to being single and not having a high paid job. My Narc parents were hosting yet another one of their horrible dinners. I was so surprised and hurt when my father brought up the incident about seeing that kid’s movie and how it was so inconvenient for him to drive across town since I was a “spoiled brat”. I almost choked (back tears) and excused myself to the kitchen pretending that something went the wrong way. How could this A-Hole NARC father use a simple movie, one day from an innocent child’s life, as if I were some kind of “spoiled brat”, or “criminal”, or whatever? You have got to be kidding me! It was surreal that my one and only good memory was tarnished in an instant by my NARC father.

I could write an entire book about my NARC family. I have many posts on EFB and in my own way it’s like writing my own book here. It’s interesting how many of our experiences shared here on EFB have to do with perceptions. These NARCS have no real empathy and they are always right and we were gaslighted into believing that we did something wrong as the crazy ones! My father NEVER protected me and he died last year in 2015. I am just realizing now how NARC my father was and he was like an accomplice with my NMom. I think that is how they lasted so long as a couple. They were both a pair of crazies. My NFather could hide it even better than his wife since he was a professional person and labeled as a nice man, but rather quiet at his work!

I just wanted to share another small but painful incident about NMom slandering my reputation. My NMom had written a letter that was on the kitchen table and I was walking by and glanced down. I never read any of the letter since my NMom jumped right in front of me, grabbed the letter, and ripped it up into shreds. It was a letter slandering me and she knew that it was wrong but did not want me to read it. Talk about a devious woman! My Nmom also had a habit of stealing my mail and paychecks when I was a teen. There is a story I shared once on EFB where I was accepted by a private girls’ high school (all tuition and expenses paid)and NMom hid the acceptance letter from me. I once received a small check from a relative (father’s side) and she took the check out of my hand and said that this money was hers since I lived in my parent’s house!

I have healed much of my child abuse issues but not all of it. Some days I think that I’m so strong and I try to keep busy but then there are days when I just want to cry and roll up into a ball. I do get the last laugh, however, since I have written numerous comments on EFB exposing “what THEY did to me!” I feel at home here in a safe space.

Blessed be,

Yvonne

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Yvonne,

I am so very sorry you had to go through this emotional and physical abuse and neglect. It sounds brutal. I once had a therapist who told me that I accomplished what I did IN SPITE of my parents, not because of them…and I think this applies to you and your strength as well. Stay strong, keep going, enjoy what you can….

Do you have an animal companion? (I can’t recall) They can bring such comfort and joy. I like the steadiness of companionship every day.

146

Hello,

I am a mother, a sister, a friend, a person who had been abused. My abuser was my second husband which by the way is no longer the case as I ended the marriage and he is out. I live in a small community and since I ended the relationship (second marriage), I am still being abused by those who ignore me as though I don’t exist. I went for a year and a bit of counselling and it was the best thing I did for myself even at the time I was still married to my abuser. He is evil, not nice and belongs to the rotary club. Yes, these people want to look good in front of everyone and show a different side behind closed doors as long as they have their victim. The first time I kicked him out but brought him back into the home, which was the worst mistake I made. He got worse and he was doing it to my own daughters especially my youngest. I kicked him out again, went to see my lawyer and I have a prenup so that was great, the house I own I put in my mothers name so he has no way of getting it divided. I helped this man leave and paid him money which he wanted me to buy his stuff. I was not in the mood to argue, I just wanted him out, so I made him sign an agreement which I typed up before giving him a cheque. Bye Bye evil person. So, now I’m in my home, lots of work to be done since he destroyed most of the house, going to list it and move out of this area for good.

My family and my daughters and close friends from afar are all very supportive and happy that I did this on my terms. The other day, a rotarian came to my door and knows we are not together but asked if I can donate sports tickets to their charity event. The person said we are not Dave, we are rotarians. I told him I will let him know and before he left I said one thing, I was abused. The word needs to get out and people do not need to know all my marriage problems nor issues, no ones business but I did come out and say I was abused by him. I felt great because abusers do not want you to tell anyone and on top of that they will deny any of it. Honestly, I don’t care and his abuse continues as he has told many lies and stories around the community playing himself like he is the victim. I laugh and I stand proud and I don’t care what anyone thinks because all I care about is that I ended the abuse and the abuser is no longer apart of my life. I believe in Karma, what goes around comes around, so let him say his stuff, I believe it only makes him look foolish. My point is, it does not matter what others say, yes it hurts a bit and yes we get abandon by the community but who cares, let them have him and let them find out what he is as long as I can stand up and not fear anymore that which I don’t.

So, the rotarian I spoke about that came to my door wants me to donate tickets, I will think hard about that as I know clubs have alot of abusers in them. Some people are good and some just use these clubs or their own benefit of not being noticed, under the radar! I will see what I decide, Im not sure what to do and I was kinda not ready for this person coming.

I looked at alot of things in the past during this (only, thank god) almost 6 yr marriage. He had an affair, drinks alot of booze (alcoholic for sure) and uses alot of drugs. He showed his true colours just after I married him, actually even on my wedding day and ever since he continued. I thought, maybe to settle in as a blended family, no that wasn’t it. I thought maybe he will change, no that did not happen. I thought marriage is for better or for worst and in sickness and health, no that was not in his cards but mine. I was verbally, emotionally, mentally and finally physically abused by this person. I had spousal abuse or another better term is stockholm syndrome. Thank god for the therapy that i continued to go to, my therapist helped me help myself.

I do not talk to, see, or communicate through cell phone, house phone or fb or emails to this person, ever!

This person is weak and has their own issues in life which I personally do not care about period.

I am free, I am happy, I learned that you cannot change nor accept these abusive behaviours, no one deserves to be treated like this.

Freedom is better than loosing your life to an abusive person which will end your life sooner than later.

One life to live and it is yours not anyone elses.

147

I am saddened I didn’t see the post. I am so grateful for this post. The timing lines up exactly with what is going on in my life. You are a large part of my healing.

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Thank you so much!

People far away in the internet are closer to me than anyone at this time. I suffer the consequences from emotional abuse through my mother. No one believes me. Not my husband, not my therapist. I feel so hurt and so alone with this.

Best wishes from Austria

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