Finding Myself on the Emotional Healing Journey

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emotional healing and finding myselfFinding ME was not my original goal in the process of emotional healing.  Looking back, I had always been focused on “changing me” and not so much on “finding me”.

I had all sorts of questions such as “who am I? How do I find myself; what is my purpose; do I have a gift?” But when I think about it today, I did not want to find “me” or “find myself.” The fact is that I had spent a life time avoiding myself. When I was finally desperate enough to seek healing by facing the past, I was way past those questions.  I just wanted to feel okay. I just wanted to want to get up in the morning. Some days I spent hoping that I could finish raising my kids before I completely gave up on my life.

As I started my journey to emotional healing, I began to realize that all my life I was either trying to escape myself or trying to re-invent myself. When I was trying to accept myself, it was through the eyes of others.  Subconsciously, I saw finding the original me as counterproductive, because all my life the truth was that I had been trying to escape me.

And I didn’t want to go back to me. I believed that I had never been good enough in the first place. I believed that if I had been good enough, then I would have been loved, I would have been protected and accepted and I would not have been abused or hurt.  So I was angry at “me”.  I thought that I had failed as a person; I believed that I had let everyone down and I believed that I had let myself down, so why would I want to “be me” now?

I didn’t realize ANY of this back then! It was all hidden in my mind and those deeply hidden thoughts were all part of my survivor mode. Not becoming “me” I believed was best for ME and for everyone else. This knowledge occurred to me much later in my emotional healing process.

And all along I had this “imposter issue.” I felt like an imposter. I felt like a fake copy of myself that didn’t belong anywhere. I had this constant “feeling” that “if you knew me, you wouldn’t like me” and I never knew where it came from.  Today I realize that I felt that way because I had been “disliked” as a child by the people who were supposed to take care of me. They didn’t say that they disliked me but it was communicated in other ways.  Actions speak louder than words and the accumulated actions of others towards me communicated to me that I was unworthy.

As a child I had no other option but to try harder. Children don’t blame their parents or the adults in their lives because if it is up to someone else to change then there is no hope. I can’t make them change. As a child I believe it is ME that needs to change and if it is up to me, I can try harder to be what they expected and to be worthy of their love. If I succeed, then I will have everything I want; love, acceptance and protection. SO I kept trying to succeed. And in my mind, I had failed because I was never good enough. I was never worthy of their acceptance. I always had to try harder. SO, I was mad at me. I believed that I failed and how could I love myself or accept myself when I failed at being worthy?  And since I believed all this stuff deep down, then why on earth would I want to be ME?

It makes sense to me now that under those circumstances and because of those false beliefs, I wouldn’t want to be me. And I didn’t want to be me.

All my life I strived to change me. I tried to become a new me; the one that they or at least the one that SOMEONE wanted instead of who I was because as I said, who I was, was a failure. In recovery seeking to find the original me was a concept that subconsciously, I rejected.

Looking at it this way, it is understandable that my default mode (my habit) was to keep trying to change me and that I longed to be someone else.

As I came along in my recovery, I didn’t “try” to find myself I just tried to stop running from myself. I stopped running from the past, from the memories and the pain.

Finding myself was a result of the work that I did.  And finding myself felt like “coming home” after being away forever.  I wasn’t a failure, I had been failed.  I wasn’t unworthy or unlovable; I had been falsely defined by the actions of others.  I wasn’t the problem! I didn’t need to change in the way that I had been conditioned to believe that I did.  I needed to stop trying to change. I was already good enough. I needed to look at the truth and realize that it wasn’t my fault or my failure.  I needed to sort all that out.

One more very important point before I finish ~ I didn’t need THEM to change either. My longing for them to change was rooted in the same belief that they could validate me as worthy instead of unworthy and the bottom line is that no one can define me as worthy or unworthy. Everyone is worthy. Everyone has equal value!   

Please share your thoughts.

Lighting the Path on the Journey to Emotional Healing

Darlene Ouimet

The Emerging from Broken bookThe Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing” is ready for download! If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, get this book today! This 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to healing.  Get yours here through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

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80 response to "Finding Myself on the Emotional Healing Journey"

  1. By: Roshani Posted: 28th September

    Ciao Darlene!!! Since two days it is a very Strong time for me because i have to change the place where i have lived for the last two months and half , with my Friend Kavita with whom i shear also my Spiritual Path!!! For me every time there is a change in my life, i go so in STRESS …and so like you shreared, i fall again very easy in my OLD BELIVES …and the main BELIVE it is that every time i have some difficulty to overcome , i begin again to feel that I Have done something WRONG to deserve this ….and i belive again that only me I can not have what instedad everyone deserves to have in LIFE!!! And I become very aggressive with the words against Kavita not because my HEART wish to harm her…absolutely no…but because my INNER CHILD it is so terrorized and in FEAR to be let by herself in difficult moments in life , i am so in FEAR to be leaved to do all by myself……..like in my CHILDHOOD!!!Now i know that Kavita is not my MOTHER but i project my mother on her , because in the moment she is the person closest to me!!!!So for me becomes very PAINFULL in situations like this, because I realize , i am aware of all …but still i am not able to stop .To break this BELIVE!!!And I feel so desperade not to be GOOD ENOGHT!! LOVE!! Roshani

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 28th September

      Hi Roshani,
      This is really great work! Great insight. Thank you for sharing your processing with us! It is so great to have those understandings shared here! It was in sorting through all that stuff that I was able to overcome those fears, and to lose that desparation that ran my life. Really what we are talking about is overcoming survival mode and taling our lives back, so that we can live!
      Hugs, Darlene

  2. By: stacy Posted: 26th September

    Darlene
    This is great! Thank you so much for sharing! I have come to realize that my abusive parents were also workaholics escaping into their work and defining others by the jobs they held. I have always tried to be the important business hard working type of person they recognized and showered them with respect and attention. I thought if I became ‘that’ person I would be loved and recognized. I always had trouble with finding my passion because I was not able to find me. So the last part of post really rang true that I didn’t need them to change… it is all the same story. Today I am excited because for the first time I feel that I can accept myself in this certain area of my life. Gather up my energy that I had invested into my parents and deposit it in my worth. Thank you!!! Thank you!!!!

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 26th September

      Stacy,
      I love how you put that ~ you said you would “Gather up my energy that I had invested into my parents and deposit it in my worth”.

      That is a brilliant way to look at it! Thank you so much for sharing that idea!
      Hugs, Darlene

  3. By: Kelly Posted: 26th September

    I am really struggling at the moment.. struggling with all of this, struggling with me, struggling with who i am and who i am not.. I thought i was ready, you know? thought i was strong enough, to get back on my journey to me… i now think i was wrong, again, as i am always, always wrong… My head is spinning, with all i read, all i think, all i feel and don’t feel… one cannot move forward while they are spinning in one place… I dont know how to stop the spinning and i am growing so so tired.. I think i need to take a break, step back again.. and try again later or never or who knows.. i am just so very tired. I found this site and felt i was ready to start figuring things out, felt i was ready to learn and work and find my path to happiness, contentment and freedom.. I think maybe not now.. Its so hard, so heartwrenching to look at all this again… to take things apart, disect myself, my life.. then put it all back together again.. to finally find me, freedom….. but i just can’t do it… it is too much for me to bare…. it exhausts me… i even fell asleep at work, sitting at my desk, i fell asleep.. I thank you Darlene, i thank you all for sharing you and your journey.. i am learning much, i am not feeling so alone anymore… You are all such a blessing… i wish i was as strong as you all..
    I am hoping i am just having a rough moment, hoping i am just overwhelmed and that maybe,just maybe, tomorrow will be a better day… tomorrow will be a stronger day.. and if not tomorrow, the next day the strength will come and i can continue on this path of learning and growing in myself.. i would hate to get stuck again, as i have been these last years of mere existance.. i want to live, truly live a life of joy.. so maybe just a few days of rest is all i need to find the energy to fight on…
    I apologize for this ramble..

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 26th September

      Hi Kelly
      I have been where you are. I was not always the way that I am now. It was a process. When I started to write this blog I had been living in my wholeness and cementing my new belief system for a few years! I had many days in the process of healing that sent me back to bed and many times I felt that I could not go forward. This process is huge. It is okay to take breaks. It is okay to be overwhelmed and to acknowledge that you are overwhelmed. There are no rules. I did not get to this place I am now overnight. It was a process and an exhausting one at that. Please be gentle with yourself. Share as often as you like or want to. There are no “rambles” here. 🙂
      Hugs and love, Darlene

  4. By: Vicki Posted: 26th September

    I might as WELL read the other articles, you don’t get any support from people who call themselves “normal.”
    Someone I work with just said you have to be there for family no matter HOW terrible they act. I thought ‘Right. That’s exactly what David expects and probably definitely is the reason he acts whatever way he wants to. He thinks he has diplomatic immunity b/c our mom and dad were egg and sperm donors.
    Of course, I might be feeling too harsh about it. IDK b/c I’ve haven’t done anything about it until a few days ago. Well, nothing drastic until now.
    I agree more with the lady on the sitcom who said ‘Just b/c we’re sisters doesn’t mean we have to be friends.’
    Her sister had been using her and her friends throughout the whole episode.

  5. By: Sharon Turncliffe Posted: 26th September

    AMAZING! I Just started My Healing Journey. THIS absoloutly explains it ALL & I THANK YOU

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 26th September

      Hi Sharon,
      Welcome to EFB! I am glad that you liked this post. Please feel free to share often!
      Hugs, Darlene

  6. By: Roshani Posted: 25th September

    I don’t know exactly why , after my Experiences of INCEST with my cusuin , I have decided not to use no more my sexuality with no one???Now i try to feel in my MEDITATION how i could have felt in that moment as a little girl, to make such a decision, without really knowing what would have ment really and without knowing the consequences of such a choice , for my life!!! I have arrived to this conclusion: I was a child very educated and raspectfull to my parents, so if I understand that i have done something so WRONG and So TERRIBLE,the first thing that i could have told to my mother, in order to be forgiven from her it is :” OK mom …i have done something wrong , but i promise you that i shall not do NOMORE THIS STAFF with no one!!!” This promise I have never spoken out to her …but I have some flashback that a similar tought, somethig like this was going on in my head when I have spoken to my family what was going on ,,,an they were all so busy to scream each other …Forgetting ME THAT I was the VICTIM !!!Was so terrible the situation in that moment …but on the other side a BIG WEGHT had releiseffrom my HEART….did not matter …so all inside myself I have promised inthe reality to myself that I would not have done no more these THINGS and know I begin to bridge that all my DISCIPLINE with the extreme phisycal training I needed to maintein this PROMISE TO MY MOTHER AND TO MY SELF ,BELIVING that was a great decision!!! BUt now i now that it has not been at all a CHOISE but only my STRATEGY TO SURVIVAL THE PAIN!!!THEN my mother died of CANCER INTHE BREAST when she was 49 years old …I was 22 tears old ..just finished the UNIVERSity ….so also after i have tried hard to maintein mine promise to her also stronger…because i could never speak to her no more about my wrong choise!!! SO..for today this is my REALIZATION OF MY PAST and of my PRESENT!!!I. I am with all of you !!! LOVE!! Roshani

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 25th September

      Vicki,
      Your question “why” is a huge question that we all ask ourselves. I encourage you to read some of the other articles in this website because I talk about all this stuff a lot.
      Hang in here!
      Hugs, Darlene

      Hi Roshani,
      You are doing some very deep work here Roshani! Thank you so much for sharing it here.
      Hugs, Darlene

  7. By: Vicki Posted: 24th September

    I guess. I don’t understand computers. I guess you have to be a friend or family member, but I just told my OTHER brother I can’t handle seeing him, which I’ve never done before and I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that he blamed me.
    I’m the only one who even gets upset about it, so why does it bother me to tell a person I can’t handle seeing him when his response is “I don’t want people in my life who bother me.”
    Then I say “Goodbye” and hang up without waiting for HIM to say goodbye, b/c he’ll talk until he has the last word, which I already know will upset me more.
    The whole thing has been twisted around to be MY fault, and I’m already physically sick–which is really the only reason I even got up the nerve to call and tell him I can no longer handle him.
    He turned my bacterial infection into being about HIM. That’s beyond disgusting and should make me glad I don’t have to talk to him anymore.
    So why do I feel like crap after doing what I need to for myself? That’s not a rhetorical question, I really want to know why I’m punishing mySELF for HIS feelings and thoughts.
    And I feel like I’m not a strong person, b/c they’ve all TOLD me that. If I can’t put up with continual abuse, I’m just not strong enough. My former sister-in-law called herself the strong one, b/c she can “understand he’s not perfect.”
    He’s WORSE THAN simply not perfect. It’s not like he’s upset b/c he disagrees with me on Republican vs. Democrat. He’s upset b/c I’m coughing and the sound of it irritates him, and he doesn’t give a DAMN what it means for me. I’M the one who’s sick and he thinks his hearing it is way more important than the fact that I have another infection in my lungs.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 24th September

      In the past and because of abuse I viewed others as more important then I was, and viewed myself as having no right to make choices for me. I wanted to be heard. I wanted others to understand why I said things or felt things. If they dismissed me I felt so bad. I let their actions define me as unworthy. But today I look at who I was asking to define my worth. People who made me sick? People who showed by their actions that they didn’t care about me or my wellfare. I looked at the roots of this stuff in order to break free of it. I had to do the self care and self love work.
      Hugs, Darlene

  8. By: Vicki Posted: 23rd September

    I find myself by avoiding garbage like the following link: http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=2424843337513&set=a.1150356996151.23495.1144385245&type=1&theater

    It’s a picture of my biological father, who physically and emotionally abused us, receiving kudos and congratulations for what a WONDERful person he wasn’t.
    And, every single solitary time I say how I feel, they create another bullshit photo talking about how fuckin’ SAINTLY every abuser in our family was.

    If that’s not sick behavior, I don’t know what the hell will ever define freakin’ abnormal, downright WEIRD actions.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 24th September

      Hi Vicki
      People will go to any length to make the victim wrong and to normalize the past however, what saved me is that I stopped caring what they thought about what I KNEW was the truth. They were the abusers! Why would THEY tell the truth?
      Hang in there. You are right, it is sick behaviour.
      Hugs, Darlene

      p.s. there must be security on that link ~ I can’t see it.

  9. By: Libby Posted: 23rd September

    Robin, Darlene – great idea – I think I will give it a go…:) And Darlene, you were spot on – I am triggering my husbands own pain at times. I can’t stop now, I have to go on, no matter what. Hugs to you too
    Libby

  10. By: Kate Posted: 23rd September

    Robin,
    Great idea! That process could be helpful in discoverin gall sorts of things about myself, including the belief system I have developed.

  11. By: Roshani Posted: 23rd September

    If all of us , Survivers to sexuale Abuse, we take each other by hand in a big circle and we connect with the Pulse Beat of our BROKEN hearts, it will happen a MIRACLE ….slowly….slowly every pulse beat will unifye to the other untill IT will become only ONE HEART BEAT !!!This is what i try to do in my PRACTICE of every day…to HEAL MY HARTFULL wounds of the PAST!!! If you like you can join yo me!!! LOVE!!! Roshani

  12. By: Robin Posted: 23rd September

    Since we’re talking about finding ourselves I wanted to offer a suggestion for a way to start to get to know yourself. It’s simple, but it can’t hurt to start simple, right. What I have begun to do is to list out all of the things that I like and to desribe the reason in great detail. Favorite movie, favorite book, favorite color, favorite store… I write about how it makes me feel or what it reminds me of, etc.

    I found that in doing that, I got to know myself and what’s important to me. My focus was on myself and not a picture of myself through someone elses eyes, which is how I had been seeing myself before. I began seeing the real me.

    Anytime I go through this process I feel such a warm glow inside. I see myself in a positive light and I find that I like myself.

  13. By: Libby Posted: 23rd September

    Darlene,
    Thank you for your kind and insightful words. Yesterday was the worst day I have had for a while – the coming face to face with the fact that I was disliked by my parents. My father was the eternal child – himself a survivor but unaware and my Mum, desperately unhappy and trapped in a relationship she felt she couldn’t leave – with a child, and she didn’t like children, although she SAID she loved ME. So – how could I, as a child, not absorb the double message – and come to believe I was an imposter? Although at some level I understood this suddenly, yesterday it was brought up into sharp and present focus, and I was overwhelmed. The only thing I could think was “how on earth can I move on from here?” How can I find out who “I” am – and become a real person – the questions of who, what and how were too much to handle.
    My husband, doesn’t get it – he so wants to just get me fixed – and his words yesterday were not helpful, and in fact I felt he invalidated me – which provoked the first angry exchange we have had since this journey began. Not his fault, not mine – but it also was helpful, in that I have been unable to get angry until now.
    Today, I have re-read the post – and also read a synchronous chapter in another book – and feel that I can (must) take this to my next therapy session. When I can’t see my way, I trust my therapist can. For a control freak this is another big issue – someone else is now my guide – just as well, since my imposter self was pretty much unable to do a good (safe) job, which is why I am here in the first place!
    To hear from you – and others here, that this IS doable is so reassuring. I’ve heard it from therapists – but I guess I have the “they would say that” head on when they say it…:)) To get it from one who has lived the journey is so much more trustworthy. Thank you for being here, thank you for your sharing and your ability to articulate so precisely those internal drivers and triggers.:)))

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 23rd September

      Hi Robin,
      I too only saw myself through the eyes of others. Thanks for sharing your idea about getting to know oneself! (comment # 51 everyone) I love your suggestions!
      Hugs, Darlene

      Hi Libby
      I know that pain of coming face to face with that truth that my parents didn’t really care. They said I love you and their actions prove otherwise. I spent a lifetime fighting that truth, but it never helped me to fight it.
      But accepting it was like another growth spurt for me. It set me free a little bit more! My husband also was not helpful at first. But my pain was triggering his pain with his own family situation. I had to just keep doing this for me.
      Thank you for sharing so honestly!
      Hugs, Darlene

  14. By: Roshani Posted: 23rd September

    HI!!Now that I have discovered that all of YOU exsist ….I am not able no more to write my book about my STORY !!!! I am just so happy that all of you exsist and finally I have found a place where I feel I belong!!! My priority now it is to share with you my feelings, my thougts, my believes, my fears ….my self and finally break the long SILENCE!! Do you know why i have changed the picture of me in my profile with the one that there is now , that means with a BUTTERFLY??? Because the BUTTERFLY for me is the simbol of the PROCESS OF TRASFORMATION that all of US we are going trought!!!!We have to DIE and BORN AGAIN !! I have to destroy all my old belives, all my old conditionings of my education , I have to arise all the lies that are not who really
    I am …in order to be able to FLY and if we all do this , then …WE CAN FLY ALL TOGHETER!!!LOVE!! Roshani

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 23rd September

      Roshani
      YES, that is true for me as well. I had to wrong definition and understanding of love in the first place. I was taught not to trust love. (but of course what they did was NOT love)
      This is great that you are working through this stuff! All of this adds up to figuring out the mysteries. I am enjoying all your comments and I am so glad that you are here!
      Hugs, Darlene

      Pam,
      LOVE your comments (# 48) about your mother. I wanted to point them out because so many of us will relate to that.
      Hugs, Darlene

  15. By: Pam Posted: 22nd September

    Kate,Karen, My mom also enjoyed popping my baloon. The two things I wanted from my mom the most and never got, was understanding and support. She isn’t capable because I am only a mirror to her that reflects back what she doesn’t want to see in herself. She doesn’t even know who I am and I wonder if she even knows what I look like. I do know that she sees no good in me. That kind of disapproval is tough for any kid to grow up under and it didn’t get any easier as an adult.

  16. By: Roshani Posted: 22nd September

    Ciao !! I am again me!!After having written the other comment about my difficulty to receive LOVE,I have gone to walk between the beautifull mountains here in AUSTRIA and Meditating on what I had just sheared with you, I had another insight about this tema!! It is this: I have difficulty to receive LOVE , because if I receive LOVE i have also to feel that it was not there when I needed as a child ….and it is so PAINFULL to feel this ….unconsciously I don’t want to feel!! But I am sure that it is better to feel this Pain consciously ( knowing that now we are adult and not VICTIME!!) and with this to be able to receive LOVE , rather than to fight against the Pain and deprive ourselves to be LOVED and to LOVE the others and ourselves!!!Now have have really finished for today !! Thanks to be!! Roshani

  17. By: Kelly Posted: 22nd September

    Roshani,
    So beautifully put!! I am so happy for you that you now have in your life someone who loves you so completely and unconditionally. this is something you have always deserved to have, but never received, until now..
    Thank you for sharing!!

  18. By: Roshani Posted: 22nd September

    Dear Darlene and FRIENDS all!!!I like today to share with all of you a little more about myself!!! I am born in MOdena, a beautifull city in the north of Italy !! I have been a wished child from my parents and i was an happy little girl untill when i was around seven years old , my cousin began to abuse me sexually whenever was possible for him!!He was the son of the sister of my mother ,and we were living in the same building house, so was very difficult for me avoide his Not Wished Attentions!!! SO i became a very difficult little girl , trying to express without speaking the TRUTH,my feeling harm in a very REBELLIOUS WAY against my family , who was not realizing of anything!!!I was waiting to be recognaized harmed,because i knew that my parents loved me !!! but this recognaizment never arrived, also after 6 years when i menaged to break the SILENCE!!!The family of the side of my mother has diacriminated me and my parents they have forbitten me to speak more about it!!! i was a GOOD little girl so I have obeyed to my parents and I have pretended to manage to do a so called normal life trying allways to help the others in order I think now , to have they approval!!! Now i know than i am not what the others asked me to become….but I don’t know neither really who I am!!!This is the Reality!!!Around 8 years ago I wanted really to begin to look at my story , because I organized in Modena a GROUP OF ” TIBETAN PULSING HEALING” with a THERAPIST that I liked were much and she was avaible to guide me in this , but in that precise moment all my life began to break down!! My relation with a man with whom i was living togheter for 15 years wthout having no sexuale relation ( he has accepted my choise!!!) ; my phisical health ; my financial situation ….so I have lived my cou Ntry and I have decided to go in Germany with my therapist and dear FRIEND to take care only of myself!!! We had a lot a difficulties in every level in these hard years but with KAVITA ( this is the name of my friend) I am learning slowly slowly that also in the worst moments in life….in TWO it is allways better than By ourselves, alone like has allways been my experience since my childhood!!!!SO …this a massage of HOPE that it will arrive before or later what we deserve ….because we DESERVE IT ….It will arrive THAT RECOGNITION that we are looking for since so long….the RECOGNITION of our PAIN, of our SUFFERING!!!! But I give you an inside coming from my experience if i can!!! Even if it sounds so beautifull and it so, for it is still so DIFFICULT to take , because I stillbelieve that I am not A GOOD ONE and I have todestroy this LOVE in order to prove to myself and to the others that I don’t deserve it!!! I know that it is TERRIBLE to do like this for my HEART AND FOR THE PERSON who gives to you …but living with a person with CONSCIOUSSNES like KAVITA, I am learning something new , because even if i try hard to fight against her LOVE , she continues to tell me :” Roshani …I love you in any case, because i know that what you act it is not who YOU ARE and it is not what your HEART whises but it is a projection of what you have suffered with your Mother” .And then sometimes I just CRY AND I HUG HER and I thank for her pacience!!!We have to be able to receive UNCONDITIONED LOVE …and it is not easy for me…but I wish that every woman harmed in her childhood can make this experience , with all the TRUST that she will not be harmed again!!!LOVE and LIGHT DEAR FRIENDS!!! Roshani

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 22nd September

      HI Libby
      I totally relate to what you wrote too. I had a hard time with that kind of worthiness too. I had to change everything about the way I thought about myself. It seems overwhelming when I look at the whole picture all at once, but when I broke it down in my process it was totally doable. It is hard, and it is emotional! And that is okay! Tears are healing and the truth is very healing.
      So glad you are here!
      Hugs, Darlene

      Hi Kelly
      I love your comments. Yes.. so true, wanting to find myself WAS a bigger issue. What your mother told you is a hard thing to get over. Those are the things I am talking about in this website. This is the process. I still have to guard against my default mode, which is to believe that it is all up to me to be what “they” want. I still have to watch what I am thinking.
      I am excited that you are progressing in this way you describe! yay
      Thanks for sharing,
      Hugs, Darlene

      Hi Roshani
      Thank you for sharing about your life and struggles and your new plans. This process is very big but the freedom on the other side of it is the most worthwhile thing I have ever worked for.
      Please keep sharing!
      Hugs, Darlene

  19. By: Kelly Posted: 22nd September

    Finding ones self is never easy… wanting to find ones self, is even more difficult a hurdle to jump i think.. As a child, i always wished to be someone else, as the self i was, was so wrong, according to my mother. the self i was, deserved the sexual abuse, the physical abuse, the emotional abuse, otherwise, it would not be happeneing to me. As a child, we grew up in a very small town, on a lake. i remember on my saddest days, even from a young age.. i would sit on this big rock on the shore looking acroos at the land on the otherside of the lake. i had a whole other life on the other side… in my mind, obviously.. if i were born on the other side of the lake my mother would love me, my father would enjoy spending time with me, over there, nobody hurt me.. over there my heart didn’t hurt all the time.. i sat on that rock often, looking at myself on the other side of the lake.. to the place i would be loved. that vision though, of course had me always being good, always well behaved etc… so that the love i would feel was still wrapped up in me being good enough… I still struggle with finding me.. for years, when i thought i found part of me, found something i liked doing, i was usually told that i didn’t like it.. that it wasn’t me… so i would stop… but now.. in this time of my life, where i am choosing to stay single.. i think now, finally, i have the space and the permission to start allowing myself to shine through… that now, i can finally start introducing myself to myself…

  20. By: Libby Posted: 22nd September

    Once again you post something that seems to directly speak to me and my process. Yesterday I was challenged by the therapist in a joint session with my partner. The challenge? To specifically and postitively say to myself, every day that I am a good person, that I deserve to be me, that I deserve to heal. As I type, this makes me cry. All my life I have done things for others, believing that this was the only way I could justify my place on the planet This healing process is trying to help me to find the real me – and it scares the living bejasus out of me because I have been trying to get away from the “me” that I have believed I am, through other peoples’ lack of care/outright lies. The sense of being an imposter, a fraud, has been such a strong thing for me, and I too couldn’t say why. Your post has given me the gift of clarity. Got to stop now, crying too much – but I AM OK, just reeling from another piece of truth about my life, this too will heal

  21. By: joy Posted: 21st September

    Kate

    Sadly many believe that its ok to abuse children and many believe in hiding the truth.. even though its causing someone else immense hurt.

    Joy

  22. By: Kate Posted: 21st September

    yes, it is there in their memories, to whatever extent, it cannot be erased, hence the abuse continues…futile attempts at drowning out the truth

  23. By: joy Posted: 21st September

    Kate

    The memory I was kind of referring to are those who know what’s happening but pretend not to..Like the church .. with all it’s power.. that told me to be quiet..how many years of abuse I took because I believed it was the good and holy thing to do..I kinda think it’s in those people’s memories ..But, then again.. they may not see any wrong in their ignoring the cries of the little ones.

    joy

  24. By: Kate Posted: 21st September

    Joy,
    What words! There in our memory, yes, and in my memory some verse from the Psalms that the sound of their cry never fades from His ear, and that is why it is there in our memory…

  25. By: joy Posted: 21st September

    Darlene

    I am glad I am the beginning: before I wasn’t even close to beginning . Am so grateful for blogs like this and to my very good Therapist.. who is one of a kind smart person .. Little by little, step by step, tear by tear..am going to come out from underneath all the mess. I am sure of this.

    Joy

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