Finding Myself on the Emotional Healing Journey


emotional healing and finding myselfFinding ME was not my original goal in the process of emotional healing.  Looking back, I had always been focused on “changing me” and not so much on “finding me”.

I had all sorts of questions such as “who am I? How do I find myself; what is my purpose; do I have a gift?” But when I think about it today, I did not want to find “me” or “find myself.” The fact is that I had spent a life time avoiding myself. When I was finally desperate enough to seek healing by facing the past, I was way past those questions.  I just wanted to feel okay. I just wanted to want to get up in the morning. Some days I spent hoping that I could finish raising my kids before I completely gave up on my life.

As I started my journey to emotional healing, I began to realize that all my life I was either trying to escape myself or trying to re-invent myself. When I was trying to accept myself, it was through the eyes of others.  Subconsciously, I saw finding the original me as counterproductive, because all my life the truth was that I had been trying to escape me.

And I didn’t want to go back to me. I believed that I had never been good enough in the first place. I believed that if I had been good enough, then I would have been loved, I would have been protected and accepted and I would not have been abused or hurt.  So I was angry at “me”.  I thought that I had failed as a person; I believed that I had let everyone down and I believed that I had let myself down, so why would I want to “be me” now?

I didn’t realize ANY of this back then! It was all hidden in my mind and those deeply hidden thoughts were all part of my survivor mode. Not becoming “me” I believed was best for ME and for everyone else. This knowledge occurred to me much later in my emotional healing process.

And all along I had this “imposter issue.” I felt like an imposter. I felt like a fake copy of myself that didn’t belong anywhere. I had this constant “feeling” that “if you knew me, you wouldn’t like me” and I never knew where it came from.  Today I realize that I felt that way because I had been “disliked” as a child by the people who were supposed to take care of me. They didn’t say that they disliked me but it was communicated in other ways.  Actions speak louder than words and the accumulated actions of others towards me communicated to me that I was unworthy.

As a child I had no other option but to try harder. Children don’t blame their parents or the adults in their lives because if it is up to someone else to change then there is no hope. I can’t make them change. As a child I believe it is ME that needs to change and if it is up to me, I can try harder to be what they expected and to be worthy of their love. If I succeed, then I will have everything I want; love, acceptance and protection. SO I kept trying to succeed. And in my mind, I had failed because I was never good enough. I was never worthy of their acceptance. I always had to try harder. SO, I was mad at me. I believed that I failed and how could I love myself or accept myself when I failed at being worthy?  And since I believed all this stuff deep down, then why on earth would I want to be ME?

It makes sense to me now that under those circumstances and because of those false beliefs, I wouldn’t want to be me. And I didn’t want to be me.

All my life I strived to change me. I tried to become a new me; the one that they or at least the one that SOMEONE wanted instead of who I was because as I said, who I was, was a failure. In recovery seeking to find the original me was a concept that subconsciously, I rejected.

Looking at it this way, it is understandable that my default mode (my habit) was to keep trying to change me and that I longed to be someone else.

As I came along in my recovery, I didn’t “try” to find myself I just tried to stop running from myself. I stopped running from the past, from the memories and the pain.

Finding myself was a result of the work that I did.  And finding myself felt like “coming home” after being away forever.  I wasn’t a failure, I had been failed.  I wasn’t unworthy or unlovable; I had been falsely defined by the actions of others.  I wasn’t the problem! I didn’t need to change in the way that I had been conditioned to believe that I did.  I needed to stop trying to change. I was already good enough. I needed to look at the truth and realize that it wasn’t my fault or my failure.  I needed to sort all that out.

One more very important point before I finish ~ I didn’t need THEM to change either. My longing for them to change was rooted in the same belief that they could validate me as worthy instead of unworthy and the bottom line is that no one can define me as worthy or unworthy. Everyone is worthy. Everyone has equal value!   

Please share your thoughts.

Lighting the Path on the Journey to Emotional Healing

Darlene Ouimet

The Emerging from Broken bookThe Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing” is ready for download! If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, get this book today! This 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to healing.  Get yours here through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

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80 response to "Finding Myself on the Emotional Healing Journey"

  1. By: Naomi Posted: 18th February

    Hi Darlene and everybody who contributes so insightfully and knowledgeable towards my journey on finding myself.

    It’s great to read all the different scenarios on how we are all striving towards a common goal. Myself, together with all of you are so fortunate and blessed to want to find inner healing.

    I come from a very staunch Christian home; with mother and father who is still married for 43 years, a recipe for a happy childhood and nothing to complain about, everybody would think. Somehow I have lost myself in that perfect scenario. My feelings has never been my feelings, my thoughts has never been my thoughts, no decision has ever been made by me until the day I met somebody I could marry at the early months of being 21.

    I have never really realized until a few months ago; I’m 41 years old now, on my second marriage that is on the brink of a divorce; that my childhood has left some unresolved voids in my life.

    So, with all of this said, I’m on a journey; a journey to find me. I don’t care what it takes but my goal
    I’m going to reach. These journeys tend to make you lose friends and even family along the way but nothing is going to stop me.

    Thank you Darlene for the wonderful blog. Naomi

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 18th February

      Welcome to emerging from broken Naomi! You are not alone in any of this.
      Hugs, Darlene

  2. By: Cate Reddell Posted: 24th September

    This makes so much sense to me. I spent much of my life feeling like a complete fraud, and only now through a lot of healing can accept that I have a place in this world and I belong here as I am. That is such a good feeling. Thanks for sharing this. 🙂

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 24th September

      Hi Cate
      Welcome to Emerging from Broken
      Yes, we all have a place in this world and we all have equal value.
      Glad to have you here!
      Hugs, Darlene

  3. By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 1st October

    Hi Libby
    I totally hear you my friend,
    Thank you for sharing,
    Hugs, Darlene

  4. By: Libby Posted: 30th September

    Thanks Darlene.
    Looking back, its clear that the other people in the house were not “available” to me then – and certainly not now. I was taught at a very young age to be self-sufficient – it was a matter of pride for my mother that I was good at taking care of myself.
    I have few conscious cognitive memories of my abuse, only somatic memories, so I don’t know if I was “cut off” by my abusers – preventing me from telling – or whether it was the family culture of neglect. I guess it was probably a mix of the two.
    I remember feeling abandoned by my parents, being bewildered by their unconcern when I was hurting or scared, so I had to self-manage in order to simply survive. I’ve been doing it ever since. Till now – it is a matter of some wonder to me that there are people “out there” who say they want to help – and who actually follow up and DO it. Self-management is giving way to self-nurture slowly, oh, so slowly!

  5. By: Libby Posted: 30th September

    I had a powerful dream last night – I don’t often remeber my dreams – but I was couiscious I was dreaming this one.
    I am alone in my room in what seems to be the house we lived in when I was a pre-teen. The room is cold – really quite chilly. When I go to the window, it is covered by a thick sheet of ice, all over. I “know” there are other people in the house, so I go to my bedroom door to go and join them – but when I open the door, the doorway is blocked by a thick wall of ice. I can break through it – but the landing is even colder, so I go back into my room. As I do so, the ice wall in the doorway quickly re-forms.
    I feel lonely and afraid, that no-one will come and warm me up; I don’t know how to get help from the other people in the house.
    All this time I am walking about in my room I am aware that I am carrying something small and warm – a living being. When I first woke from this dream I thought it was a puppy – now I think it was me, a very much younger me.
    When I woke, I was not distressed by this dream – I was just amazed by the symbolism of it. It so clearly reflects the climate, the culture of the “family” in which I grew up. An unhappy and self-absorbed mother, and a child-man of a father. As a child I was definitely the outsider in my family – a feeling that has lasted into my adult life.
    Today, I am SOooo tired – the impact of this dream is profound, and gives me yet more evidence of how dysfunctional my parents were in relation to me. On such days, I can barely function – zero concentration – it tells me I have to sit with this and let it settle. My energy clearly fluctuates according to what is going on in my sub-coonscious – fortunately I am able to do this. Tomorrow is another day.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 30th September

      This is very profound, I agree. Interesting that the ice reforms after all your efforts to break through it. (and it is still colder beyond the wall) You say that you don’t know how to get help from the peopole in the house; I am wondering if you CAN get help from them, or if the fact that you realize you have something “in the room” with you, possibly yourself, that means that you don’t NEED help from the people in the house. I love dreams! thanks for sharing!
      Hugs, Darlene

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