Some days are very difficult for me. I am always filled with sympathy and understanding for the victims and survivors of child abuse but on some days the whole subject just makes me see red. It makes me angry that so many children have suffered at the hands of manipulative, controlling and abusive adults. Every day I hear tragic stories from people who have survived very dysfunctional childhoods at the hands of horribly sick adults. I get really angry at what so many children are enduring even as I write this and at what so many (now adult) children have had to endure.
And these same adult children have been expected to grow up “normally” after having a dysfunctional childhood like that. I was expected to function normally, and have high self esteem to the degree that was manipulated and convinced into believing that the low self esteem that I experienced was my own fault! And this expectation that I should “snap out of it”, “grow up,” “get over it” and take charge of my life, was often communicated by the very same people who abused and controlled me in the first place. First I was mistreated, devalued and manipulated and then I was blamed for having depressions and other difficulties in life!
As Survivors of this manipulation and abuse we learn to accept those expectations and turn them on ourselves, believing that we SHOULD just grow up and be fine and dandy without ever having a chance to deal with the ROOT of the problem. And the problem is that other people devalued and dismissed me and that there was damage was done. That didn’t start when I started needing help with situations in my adult life; it started when I was abused, mistreated and discounted and I didn’t get help or support. I was called an exaggerator and told I talked to hear myself talk. I was told that I was mistaken and that I was wrong. I learned not to tell about the ongoing things that happened and I learned not to tell about any new things that happened.
I learned that I was not going to be heard. I learned that telling made things worse.
Somehow I was blamed for what happened to me. As a child and again as an adult. In order to cope, I believed that I MUST have done something wrong in the first place.
I want to rip the eyes out of child molesters; I want to expose teachers who bully and tear down students, I want to fight in courts against adults who beat their kids, but I had to pick one area where I could make the biggest difference, and I have found that it is here through what I write. It is in the area of helping the survivors who have grown up but still bear the scars.
Abuse sucks. Abuse destroys. Abuse kills. Abuse makes me angry. These evil manipulative and abusive people have no concern for the lives they are destroying. These manipulative people have no regard for human life. I am not protecting them anymore.
I have so often wondered what it is that makes manipulative people do the things that they do. Do they actually feel good about themselves when they hurt an innocent child? Do they get some sort of surge of power when they overpower another person? Do they feel so pathetic in their own lives that they must prove their worth by destroying the worth of someone else? It seems pathetic that an adult would choose to disregard the feelings of an innocent child. It seems unfathomable that an adult would use a child as an object. It seems incomprehensible that an adult would devalue a child in order to make themselves FEEL better.
And they ARE pathetic. It is unfathomable. There IS NO WAY to understand why people do these things; how can we understand these crimes against children which go forward to become crimes against those same grown up children. And what about the adults who assist in the cover up? What motivates them to keep such horrible secrets? Why do people seem to think that children are NOT human? Why do so many people think that children won’t remember? Why do people in general think children won’t be damaged and won’t suffer life time consequences for the behaviour of manipulative people who only have their own sick interests and self protection at heart? I think that this is just as unfathomable as why the abusers do what they do.
Since all of this is so incomprehensible and there are no answers to those questions I realized that in order to heal, I needed to concentrate on healing the damage that was caused. There is no answer or solution in understanding manipulative people. There is no healing there. I had to learn to stop trying to understand them in favour of understanding what happened to me. It seemed easier to concentrate on the WHY questions about them, but I had to realize and acknowledge the damage and how it manifested in my belief system, so that I could overcome it. I had to do the opposite of what those pathetic adults did to me. I had to learn to consider myself.
Understanding the roots of the damage caused by manipulative, sick, evil and pathetic people and healing from that physical, mental and emotional damage is what “Emerging from Broken” is all about. Comments are deeply appreciated by everyone. Please feel free to share your thoughts.
Exposing Truth ~ one snapshot at a time;
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