Continuing from part one “Emotional Healing by Understanding Psychological Abuse” I talked about how Psychological Abusers misuse their power in order to control and abuse others. In this post I continue with some of the statements that emotionally abusive controlling people make to create fear, confusion and the inability to think, and to force compliance and obedience.
NOTE: These statements are used by ALL controllers, and although I often refer to parents, these statements are used by everyone who misuses their power in order to control others.
I believed statements like this:
“After all I have done for you.” This statement often ends with comments about how ungrateful that I am and it implies obligation. Obligation has nothing to do with love.
“If you don’t like it, you are free to leave” This statement means that I have no option, that I am just NOT allowed to disagree; I am not allowed to have an opinion. I “can” either have an opinion, OR a place to live. Not both. This implies that I am not only valueless but that I am also not smart enough to have my own thoughts.
There are other related statements that imply stupidity such as “what would you know about that? Or “Who do you think you are?” Voice infliction is used such as in sneering statements like “what makes you think you know?” “and “what makes you an authority on that?” Another control tactic is simply not being acknowledged at all.
I didn’t question why some people didn’t acknowledge my thoughts, or ideas. They acted as though no matter what I said, they didn’t hear me. They discounted me as if to say, I can’t be bothered with you. They did not allow me to impact them or their lives. This is very devaluing because it confirmed the fear and belief that I already had learned; that I had nothing to contribute and no knowledge or value to offer. And that is what they wanted me to believe.
What about a statements like this;
“Everyone in this family (office, organization, etc.) has an equal say, but I know best, so in the end we do what I say we do”. (remember that not all statements are verbal!)
“I am doing this for your own good.” Because psychological abusers think that what they have decided is BEST, but their definition of BEST is not based on love. It is not based on what is best for both people involved. I started to realize that I needed to ask myself “BEST for who?”
“You are such a disappointment… I don’t know where I went wrong”.
“Oh Darlene, you’ve always been so sensitive, dramatic…..” You can fill in the blank for whatever fits for you. This implies that I am over reacting. That my feelings about a situation are wrong and that I could not possibly know how I feel. Some statements are actually MEANT to hurt me, to make me try harder, to make me feel like I am doing something very wrong.
As a young girl, I often heard relatives speaking mockingly about me, right in front of me as though I was not in the room, sometimes with false concern in their voices;
“Well you know Darlene; she’s kind of slow; she had that “brain damage” thing happen when she was born.” ~ *apparently the forceps being used to assist in my birth, slipped and that was used as a convenient excuse to tear me down by exaggerating the event~ inferring that I was mentally challenged and therefore not to be taken seriously. Lies such as these are meant to tear down and destroy and to “prove” that there is something wrong with ME. These lies cause a fog storm to force compliance and dependence. This is common! I am not the only one this happened to. Hurtful damaging lies. I have heard similar ones;
~ She was dropped as a baby…
~ He had that bad fall down the stairs that time…
~ Oh remember when Johnny fell out of the tree?
Very often these statements kind of trail off…. leaving the listener to come to their own conclusions about the mental health of the person they are hearing about. They are usually said within a conversation where the victim is saying something a psychological abuser doesn’t like. If a controller or psychological abuser can discredit the victim, they have way more power.
“Love, honor and obey your parents…….”
I had to think about these statements. I had to question myself ~ What will happen to me if I don’t love honor and obey? What do you think will happen? I did a whole exercise on what my beliefs were about just this one statement and when I realized what I believed about the implications of this statement, I realized that these were once again, false beliefs.)
I am not obligated to love. Not even to love my parents.
Just because emotionally abusive and controlling people said that I was crazy and stupid, doesn’t mean that I am. It was so important for me to realize that truth.
I am not crazy. I am not stupid. And I certainly never had BRAIN DAMAGE!
There are a million of these statements all designed to squish independence and individuality. They are used to force compliance and cultivate guilt and shame or fog up the thinking. All are designed for the purpose of control. All of them get the focus OFF the emotional abuser or controller and back on to you ~ the one they want to control.
Psychological abusers don’t want you to look at the truth because as long as we are thinking about how much we disappoint everyone, or don’t measure up ~ as long as we are trying harder, we don’t realize how pathetic these control tactics are. Our emotional healing depends on our dissecting the ways that we have been falsely led to believe the lies about ourselves.
Remember that the focus is on our realization and implementation of the true belief that EVERYONE including you and I have equal value. Abusers do not like to teach (by actions) that their value is equal to yours, because it would imply that their authority over you, the authority that they control you with, would be diminished. Breaking the cycle of abuse depends on discovering and recognizing what abuse and the misuse of power and control really is.
As the traumatized, the victims and the emotionally abused heal and get stronger and as more and more people realize and embrace the truth, these psychological abusers will no longer be able to hide behind the fog that they create because the fog and the real truth will be exposed. The tactics will be revealed and talked about freely. The secret won’t have to be a secret when enough people are talking about it.
This is the real fight that I had to fight in order to fully recover from emotional abuse (all abuse) and the resulting depressions. It was in busting through those lies that I was able to embrace my true self and take my life back. This was my journey to emotional healing.
Please share your thoughts, discoveries, experience or whatever you wish to share in the comments and check back, the discussions are always wonderful here.
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