“Accept responsibility for your life. Know that it is YOU who will get you where you want to go, no one else.” Les Brown
There is a critical fact that I had to DRILL into my brain in order to get the full benefit of the process of emotional healing.
EMOTIONAL HEALING DEPENDS ON ME
My emotional healing would not have been accelerated if my mother or father suddenly admitted their part in all the dysfunction that I grew up with. It would have been wonderful and today it might mean that we could restore our relationship and heal the damage there, but it would not be the source of my emotional healing. It would not be the necessary fuel.
Emotional healing would not have happened more rapidly if my parents sincerely apologized to me for the damage that they contributed to in my childhood. It might have helped a bit but it would not be where the healing comes from.
My emotional healing would not have happened faster if the people who sexually abused me suddenly confessed and turned themselves in.
My emotional healing would not have miraculously emerged because the police arrested the perpetrators and the courts agreed that these people committed crimes against me, and put them behind bars. It would be great; it would be a cause for major celebration, yes… but it would not have been the foundation of my healing process.
Emotional healing did not occur because I had “the right therapist” A therapist cannot do the work for you. Therapists are only guides and most of them caused me more damage in the long run by trying to get me to “accept the past and leave it there” instead of getting to the core of the damage and overcoming it. And then there are the ones who actually seem to help and then take advantage of the trust that you put in them.
My emotional healing did not happen because my husband stood by me. In fact he DIDN’T stand by me at all. He fought me and he fought the process. My healing and taking my life and individuality back threatened his control over me. It threatened his orderly little world where he was King and I was his servant. He had his life all organized the way HE wanted it. He liked me messed up and compliant and he is the first one to admit that today.
My emotional healing did not depend on ANY of that.
In the beginning, when I first realized that I was not born broken and that the way I got messed up was not my fault but was in fact caused by other people, I was really angry that I had to FIX what “they broke”. I had to move forward with my emotional healing anyway. No one was going to do it for me in fact the majority of people in my life didn’t want me to heal. They too liked me weak and sick and compliant. NO one wanted me to realize that I actually had equal value to them or their power over me would be exposed and they would therefore lose it. And when I healed and faced the truth about the ways that I was regarded by them, they did lose their power over me; because I refused to live that way anymore.
Overcoming dysfunctional relationships and emotional healing depends only on ME. Not on results, outcomes, negotiations, agreement from others, the law, or whether or not I lost or gained weight. Emotional healing does not depend on people or on “things”, money, or circumstances.
It depends on ME.
My husband’s emotional healing did not take place until HE did HIS work.
My healing came because I did the work. My emotional healing depended on ME.
YES YOU CAN… IF I CAN THEN YOU CAN.
Yes you can do the work. I told myself that I could do it a million times and I still tell myself that. I can do this. I can face this. I can get through this. I can get to the roots of this and overcome it. And I keep going forward. I learned to FIGHT for me where no one else ever did. I had to do it. I learned to depend on ME. I became everyone and everything that was ever missing in my childhood. I did this for ME.
I keep going forward; knowing that my identity, my self esteem, my emotional health ~ depended and still depends on me now.
That is how I emerged from broken. That is how I accomplished my own emotional healing.
This concept is one of the biggest stick points that I encounter when working with others. I think that in my case I was afraid to believe that it was up to me to do this, because I was so convinced by the messages from others my whole life, that I could not succeed at anything and that I was not really worthy of equal value and a wonderful full life. I was afraid to take my life back in case I failed. I was afraid to fail because that would prove “they” were right.
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From surviving to thriving on the journey to wholeness;
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