emotional healing “Accept responsibility for your life. Know that it is YOU who will get you where you want to go, no one else.”  Les Brown

There is a critical fact that I had to DRILL into my brain in order to get the full benefit of the process of emotional healing.


My emotional healing would not have been accelerated if my mother or father suddenly admitted their part in all the dysfunction that I grew up with. It would have been wonderful and today it might mean that we could restore our relationship and heal the damage there, but it would not be the source of my emotional healing. It would not be the necessary fuel.

Emotional healing would not have happened more rapidly if my parents sincerely apologized to me for the damage that they contributed to in my childhood.  It might have helped a bit but it would not be where the healing comes from. 

My emotional healing would not have happened faster if the people who sexually abused me suddenly confessed and turned themselves in.

My emotional healing would not have miraculously emerged because the police arrested the perpetrators and the courts agreed that these people committed crimes against me, and put them behind bars.  It would be great; it would be a cause for major celebration, yes… but it would not have been the foundation of my healing process.

Emotional healing did not occur because I had “the right therapist” A therapist cannot do the work for you. Therapists are only guides and most of them caused me more damage in the long run by trying to get me to “accept the past and leave it there” instead of getting to the core of the damage and overcoming it. And then there are the ones who actually seem to help and then take advantage of the trust that you put in them.

My emotional healing did not happen because my husband stood by me. In fact he DIDN’T stand by me at all.  He fought me and he fought the process. My healing and taking my life and individuality back threatened his control over me. It threatened his orderly little world where he was King and I was his servant.  He had his life all organized the way HE wanted it. He liked me messed up and compliant and he is the first one to admit that today.

My emotional healing did not depend on ANY of that.

In the beginning, when I first realized that I was not born broken and that the way I got messed up was not my fault but was in fact  caused by other people, I was really angry that I had to FIX what “they broke”. I had to move forward with my emotional healing anyway. No one was going to do it for me in fact the majority of people in my life didn’t want me to heal. They too liked me weak and sick and compliant. NO one wanted me to realize that I actually had equal value to them or their power over me would be exposed and they would therefore lose it. And when I healed and faced the truth about the ways that I was regarded by them, they did lose their power over me; because I refused to live that way anymore.

Overcoming dysfunctional relationships and emotional healing depends only on ME. Not on results, outcomes, negotiations, agreement from others, the law, or whether or not I lost or gained weight. Emotional healing does not depend on people or on “things”, money, or circumstances.  

It depends on ME.  

My husband’s emotional healing did not take place until HE did HIS work.

My healing came because I did the work. My emotional healing depended on ME.


Yes you can do the work.  I told myself that I could do it a million times and I still tell myself that. I can do this. I can face this. I can get through this. I can get to the roots of this and overcome it. And I keep going forward. I learned to FIGHT for me where no one else ever did. I had to do it. I learned to depend on ME. I became everyone and everything that was ever missing in my childhood. I did this for ME.

I keep going forward; knowing that my identity, my self esteem, my emotional health ~ depended and still depends on me now.

That is how I emerged from broken. That is how I accomplished my own emotional healing.

This concept is one of the biggest stick points that I encounter when working with others. I think that in my case I was afraid to believe that it was up to me to do this, because I was so convinced by the messages from others my whole life, that I could not succeed at anything and that I was not really worthy of equal value and a wonderful full life. I was afraid to take my life back in case I failed. I was afraid to fail because that would prove “they” were right.

 Please share your thoughts and feelings.

From surviving to thriving on the journey to wholeness;

Darlene Ouimet

The Emerging from Broken book is ready for download! If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, get this book today! This 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to healing.  Get yours here through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

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Related Posts ~ False Beliefs like “I know I would be okay if…” 

Saying Sorry doesn’t automatically Cancel the damage 


  1. By: Mr Reid Posted: 31st October


    Your story has truly inspired me to father heal myself. Last week I went to speak with a dr about my depression and I instantly realized it’s not up to them. It’s on me and my thought patterns. As soon as I admitted to myself that it’s my responsibility, the healing process began almost naturally. For so long, I’ve felt very alone and dependent because I’ve allowed myself to be that way. I’ve allowed people to take advantage of me because of my need to be dependent on someone. My need for the validation of others buried me underneath the rubble of depression but now I’m learning to fight. I love your quote “I have to fix what someone else broke”. That perfectly describes my situation. A lot of things in my childhood is now the root cause of my insecurities and fear that I deal with. It’s getting better everyday but I do also feel resentment towards my mother and father. My father wasn’t in my life and my mother was sort of like yours. She didn’t treat me the way she treated others. Now that I’m older and going through my issues, I can sense her guilt. It makes me so angry but I remind myself that it’s my healing process and holding anything against her will only hinder my progression. Just the fact that I know that I’m healing myself is a wonderful feeling and it allows me to admit my flaws instead of hiding them from the world. I love sharing my story because there are so many people like me who are dying to live without the fear of rejection. Thank you very much for sharing your story. God bless!

    -Mr Reid

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 31st October

      Hello Mr Reid
      Welcome to Emerging from Broken.
      Yes, I hear you. Looking back I realized that I thought I needed validation from others, because I had been so INvalidated by others. I had been defined by others so I believed I would be re-defined by others too. I had never been empowered to know that I could do anything (like this) by my own steam so I didn’t know. I am so glad that I found out!
      Thank you for sharing
      Hugs, Darlene

  2. By: Leslie Posted: 12th December

    It seems like I have to keep on starting over with the healing process. I keep getting sucked back in. I separate myself and the next thing I know I get involved with them again. I had a long time of staying separate from my father, but still spoke to my mother. I have realized lately that she is so much a part of the horrid abuse but she was subtle about it. She used me as a scapegoat and a buffer. It was a weak moment when I invited her to my wedding (at 50) She flew to Texas and was SOO NICE to me. I mean, I was CONVINCED she changed. She kept it up for a week.. staying supportive and loving. I bough the whole deal. It turned out that she was so jealous of my new home that she HAD to have a new home. She bought the house across the street from me CASH. Now they are back. I am not talking to them again. They have sucked me in and now I pay by having to deal with them across the street and its my fault for being stupid.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 12th December

      Hi Leslie
      Welcome to EFB ~ It isn’t your fault. You were responding out of a good heart. It isn’t your fault that you got sucked in again. It is part of the way the grooming process we go through in childhood plays out later. 🙂
      Hugs, Darlene

  3. By: Amber Posted: 10th December

    One of my stuck points was thinking that I had to get people to understand that they were wrong, being mean, mistreating me, being disrespectful. I thought I hadn’t succeeded until I was able to change them. So I continued to feel unworthy. Now I accept that these people are dysfunctional, they are not going to change and that them not changing is not my failure. It is theirs, and my well-being does NOT depend on them changing at all. I feel much healthier after changing my thinking on this. So my work is on validating the damage they caused and no longer blaming myself for the way that they treated me.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 10th December

      That was a big stick point for me too. Accepting that they were NOT going to change was huge and freeing for me!
      Awesome comments!

  4. By: Lora Posted: 9th December

    Hey Darlene! I can just feel the power as I read this and I applaud you because I’ve come to realize that my anger is my greatest motivational force to keep me trudging throught the crap.

    I used to be afraid of my anger because it felt wreckless and out of control. I was afraid to own my anger because I was afraid I might do more harm with it. I felt such rage to my mother and I was told by a counsellor to confront her with it.

    That may have been good advice if it was in a controlled environment where a mediator could be present but I did it on my own and it could have cost me my life. When I started to express I how felt and then she asked if she could explain her part I completely lost it and if restraint was not with me that day I felt like I could have actually killed her. I chose to walk away and cool myself down. That’s the day I learned that I too had my own demons that I must get under control.

    It’s a very sick feeling to know that I am capable of killing another human being, especially my own mother and it also taught me alot about the person I didn’t want to be. After I thought about what could have happened to me if I did succeed, it made me feel even more sick inside. I could have ended up in jail and added more onto my plate. It was a very humbling experience and it made me realize that love or fear is a choice. I could continue living in fear and put myself and others at risk, or I can choose love and heal my wounds and learn to start my life again.

    I am so grateful I chose love and even though there are times when I ask myself if the journey is worth it, I remind myself of that day and I thank myself for making a good choice. I may have not been able to choose my up bringing when I was a child, but I do get to choose how I will heal and love myself through the wreckage of the past.

    I thank you so much for being a bright light to get me through my dark moments. The sharing in this forum is priceless and I am truly inspired to hear other people’s stories because it reminds me that I am not alone and that I matter. My self worth comes from the love I show towards myself and the rest is out of my hands. I can’t control how people will respond to me but I can walk away if I feel my life is in danger or not respected. Education is power and I’m grateful to have tapped into it. Namaste to all of you on this journey! Hugs!

  5. By: Molly Posted: 8th December

    Darlene, thank you for these words. I’m excited to “emerge from broken”, very hopeful. I read your blogs every day and always get the goods!! I grew up in a very disfunctional household and even though I’ve been out of the house for 20 years the relationships are still there and a complete mess. My parents divorced when I was 13 ( I’m 36 now) and a sibling of 4. My father was an alcoholic and recovering for 20 years now, being the recovering alcoholic that I am I have forgiven my father. I wonder how it happened but I’m so glad it did. The mental, physical, emotional abuse was horrific. I was the only sibling never hit by my mother or father. Reasons today I believe was Fear. He’s going in tomorrow for brain surgery and I’m sitting in self-pity because my mother Still hasn’t called me to see how I am or if I need anything. I have all these expectations of her and I’m not sure why. Growing up she was never available why dhould I think she’d be available today. I guess it just hurts. I’m so angry and just wish I could let it go and move on with my life. My sponsor tells me until I accept it I will remain insane. I’m in between it being acceptable behavior and accepting she’s a sick woman and totally incapable of reaching out and being a mother.
    Thank you for your blogs, they help me a lot.
    Thanks for letting me share, I’m trying to change and be the best person I can be without hatred. Love and peace are the keys to happiness, and pain is the touchstone to growth.

    • By: Darlene Ouimet Posted: 10th December

      Hi Molly
      Welcome to EFB ~ It does hurt. For me I was only able to let go of the expectations was to validate for myself how wrong the whole thing was. NOT to try to understand my parents and not to try to forgive when they were still denying that they ever did anything wrong but to validate that there was dysfunction and it wasn’t my fault. That was the beginning of the process of healing for me. Thanks for sharing,
      Hugs, Darlene

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