I talk a lot about realizing all the lies that were in my belief system. I realized that I believed I deserved to be treated the way that I was. But that was a lie. I believed that I was not good enough, and that I was unlovable. Those were both lies. I believed that I somehow attracted the abuse and even that I asked for it… and that was also a lie. Because I believed that I had done “something” to either deserve it or attract it, I lived in fear of doing whatever it was that I was doing that was causing me to be hurt!
As you can see, this belief system stuff is complicated and takes some detective work to unravel.
A big part of the problem was that I was addicted to proving that I was worthy by doing things that would prove to others that I was good enough and that I was lovable. But I was addicted to proving it to others. Add to that the fact that although I didn’t consciously KNOW it ~ I didn’t believe that I even had self worth. Deep down I believed that I was all that they communicated to me that I was. Their words and their actions had defined me as unworthy, unlovable and not good enough. I thought that my worth would come when THEY validated it. I thought that when other people agreed that I was actually worthy, that I would believe it too. I especially wanted to be worthy in the eyes of the people who controlled me and defined me the most. I invested so much time trying to change ME so that I would be validated by others.
It didn’t occur to me to convince myself that I was already good enough. It never dawned on me that I didn’t need anyone else to validate me! I had always been defined and invalidated by others ~ I was who they said I was… which was NOT good enough, unworthy and all that devaluing and discounting other stuff. When I began to realize all the lies that were at the bottom of my low self esteem, realizing that they were lies wasn’t enough. I had to change them to the truth. That might sound easier than it really is though because those lies are so deeply rooted in the belief system and because I’d developed and accepted the belief SO DEEPLY, that I was the one that had to change and try harder to make everyone accept me.
This belief had its roots in the belief that their worth was greater than my worth. I had no concept of equal value when it came to myself, which was also part of my false belief system.
The only way that I could unwind all this was to see it for what it really was by looking at the individual events that defined me as unworthy and that had convinced me that “they” were more worthy. (I only had to look at a few of them) There were actual reasons that I had accepted guilt and shame that was not mine to carry. There was a reason that I believed that I was responsible for the emotional welfare of everyone else. I had to dig down into my belief system in order to discover where the roots of those beliefs had their foundations. Then I needed to clear them out and build a new foundation. This was where my emotional healing originated.
I wasn’t born depressed. I wasn’t born broken. I wasn’t born dissociated and with multiple personalities. I wasn’t born with low self esteem.
The truth is that I don’t need to be validated by others. The truth is that I was born valid. The truth is that I was born equally valuable to everyone else. I was born whole and emotionally healthy. That is the absolute truth. How could it not be the truth? I had to look at both sides; why I thought the lies were truth, and why these new healthy truths HAD to be true.
It was in finding out where I lost that knowledge (the knowledge that I was born with self esteem, that I was worthy, lovable and deserving,) that I found the keys to having that knowledge again. I took my life back. I found my true identity and I live in it today. I found freedom from depression and low self esteem and I embrace my life and my individuality. I am equally valuable to everyone else.
I live in that truth. You can too. There IS emotional healing from abuse. There is life to the fullest. There is freedom and wholeness on the other side of broken!
Please share with the other readers and with me, anything you wish to share.
Exposing Truth one snapshot at a time;
The Emerging from Broken book is ready for download! If you find that the subject matter I am writing about resonates with you, get this book today! This 197 page, downloadable, printable, live linked e-book will put you on the fast track to healing. Get yours here through the upper right side bar or click this link~ Emerging from Broken The Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing –
~ For more information on Self Esteem Recovery see the Category above for “Self Esteem”